October 4, 2011
(The title screen for “The Tommyknockers,” an image of Stephen King and footage from the miniseries are shown as NC speaks)
NC (voiceover): Yes, it’s time to pick on Stephen King again with “The Tommyknockers.” Poor Stephen King. Why do I pick on him so much? Why do his miniseries give me so much joy? I know he’s written good stuff, but the bad stuff is just so entertaining. His returning clichés and overuse of character traits often transfer so poorly into film, and oddly enough, the more time they have to explain and analyze it—say, in an over two-and-a-half-hour TV special—usually, the more horrible it is.
NC: What’s that? Why, yes, that is an ass-numbingly long time! So, let’s not beat around the bush. Let’s dive right into “The Tommyknockers.”
(The miniseries begins)
NC (voiceover): So our story takes places in…
(Giant text labeled “MAINE!” is placed onscreen)
NC: Aww, go ahead and take a shot! As for me, I can’t play the Stephen King Drinking Game anymore. I want to survive! But hey, that doesn’t mean I still can’t plug it.
(A Photoshopped image of a fake drinking kit labeled “The Stephen King Drinking Game Kit” and featuring Stephen King holding a glass of beer is shown)
NC (voiceover): With the brand new home version, you won’t ever have to worry about watching a Stephen King miniseries sober or awake ever again.
NC: Complete with beer glasses…
(A Photoshopped image of Bob Jenkins from “The Langoliers” on a beer glass with a speech bubble saying “I deduce you need more, dear boy.” Is shown)
NC (voiceover): …pool toys…
(A Photoshopped image of Pennywise the Clown from “It” standing by a pool saying “They Float” with a clown toy floating in the pool is shown)
NC (voiceover): …baseball hats…
(A Photoshopped image of a baseball cap with a red balloon with scary eyes and text saying “Balloons scare me (with the eyes substituting for the two “o”s is shown)
NC: And even your very own talking Mr. Toomey doll. (Holding up a small male figurine, he pretends to flip a switch on its back)
Craig Toomey (from “The Langoliers”): (audio over the figurine) Scaring the little GIRL?!
(Back to the miniseries)
NC (voiceover): So in the state of Maine, we’re introduced to Hilly, and he’s excited, because his grandpa just got him a magic kit.
Hilly Brown: Well, Dad says there’s no such thing as magic.
Ev Hillman (Hilly’s Grandpa): Kids and old people. We know that magic is real, no matter what anybody says. There is even…a place that’s magic.
NC: Uh-oh, Grandpa’s off his meds again.
Ev: Out by the Anderson farm, in my day, we called it “Big Injun Woods.” But it’s called “Burning Woods” now, but no matter what it’s called, there’s magic there. The Injuns believed it.
NC: I think they prefer the term Injun-American, but keep going.
Ev: Magic spirits. You have to keep your wits about you when you go there. Hilly, never, never go there alone.
NC: You know, my grandpa told me a story like that, too. He also ate sandpaper and called himself Vanessa, but I still believed him.
NC (voiceover): And seeing how this is a Stephen King story, we cut to one of the other umpteen gazillion characters. This is Officer Ruth, and she’s showing the kids around the station for a field trip.
Officer Ruth: (shows the kids a jail cell with an actual inmate inside) This…this is where we have our cells, and we put in all the people who break the law in here.
NC: (as Officer Ruth) That man over there used to molest little children just like you. Go ahead, touch him. Go ahead, touch him.
Officer Ruth: (to the children) Okay, come on in here. Let’s go see the schoolroom. This is the best part. (She leads the children into the schoolroom) You see, when I was a little girl, my parents used to travel a lot.
(Inside the schoolroom is a large collection of dolls)
NC (voiceover): What the hell?
Officer Ruth: Every time they went to a new country, they would bring me another doll.
Little Girl: Was that always your hobby?
Officer Ruth: Oh, yes, they are my hobby. My friends know that I like them, so every time they travel, they’d bring me one.
NC (voiceover): And suddenly, this character got disturbing and uncomfortable. Seriously, what police station would allow DOLLS inside the office?!
Teacher: (to Ruth as the Little Girl picks up a doll to hold) You don’t like them to break now, do you?
Officer Ruth: That’s all right, that’s all right. Jojo’s never been broken.
NC (voiceover): This is beyond a creepy hobby. This is just unnerving! Does your work allow that?
(Cut to a scenario with NC first standing in front of an image of an office setting)
NC #1: (as a supervisor in just a white shirt) Ryan, um…I was wondering if it was at all possible for you to, um…
(Cut next to NC #2 (as “Ryan” in his usual clothes) standing in front of a collection of Roger Rabbit dolls and looking creepy)
NC #1: …by any chance, get the report done by this Thursday.
NC #2: Well, we’ll have to ask Roger before I can answer that. (He turns to speaks to one of the dolls) What do you think, Roger?
(Silence passes before we see NC #1 shift his eyes left to right, sensing the awkwardness)
Roger Doll: (speaks in a low voice) No.
NC #2: (to NC #1, shrugs) I tried. (He chuckles)
(NC #1 looks puzzled)
Roger Doll: Go!
NC #1: Okay! Okay! (He quickly leaves)
(Back to the miniseries)
NC (voiceover): But one of the children—imagine this—actually gets scared of one of the dolls.
(A scarecrow doll, in Davey’s vision, comes to life by opening its mouth, showing its sharp teeth and growling)
Davey Brown: (quickly goes to hug Ruth’s legs) They're bad. I’m scared.
NC (voiceover): Eh, to be fair, that does look more realistic than the “Jaws 3” shark. (A brief clip of the shark from “Jaws 3D” is shown)
Officer Ruth: (to Davey) Tell you what: why don’t you come back some other time, and we’ll see them together, okay? All alone. Just you and me. (Beat) Alright, bye, Davey.
NC (voiceover): What kind of cop is this?! Does she not know how creepy this looks?! And you know what the weird thing is, the really freakin’ out-there thing? All throughout the rest of the movie, she’s totally normal. She’s easy-going, laid-back, a nice person, there’s nothing odd about her in the least. Oh, except for that one REALLY FUCKED UP THING, but aside from that, nothing. They say normal people are just people you don’t know very well. Well then, by God, I don’t want to know her very well.
(Cut to a post office with a phone ringing and a sexy female post office worker (named Nancy Voss) doing her makeup)
NC (voiceover): We then cut to a steamy post office where you can clearly see a red flag always stays up around here.
Joe Paulson: (is on the phone talking to his wife while eyeing Nancy) Honey, I’m sorry, really. I-I think I’m gonna have to work late tonight.
Deputy Becka Paulson: (calls from the police station) Oh, Joe, come on. Will you tell her (Nancy) for me that Becka Paulson likes her husband home for dinner?
Joe: (while leaning in close to kiss Nancy) Yeah, honey, I will. Honey, I will. I gotta go now. (He puts down the phone to kiss Nancy on the lips)
Becka: (on the phone) Fine.
Nancy Voss: (to Joe after the phone is hung up and embraces him) Are you ready?
Joe: Am I ready? Is that your question? Am I ready? Yes, like the sign says, “Neither snow nor…rain, nor…sleet.” (He sweeps Nancy around to swoon her, and she giggles)
Cinema Snob (voiceover): Ah, yeah, now this is why the postman always rings twice.
CS: Except he’s about to find out that the mail lady (NC reacts in surprise to CS’s appearance) really is a mail lady. M-A-L-E.
NC: Cinema Snob? What are you doing here?
CS: Oh. Sorry. I thought this was a porno. This is how most of them start out.
NC: No, it’s a…Stephen King miniseries.
CS: Oh. (scoffs) Condolences.
NC: Thanks. (He takes a remote and flips channels back to the miniseries)
NC (voiceover): We then cut to our writer named Bobbi, who stumbles across something very odd in her backyard.
(While out with her dog Petey, Bobbi finds what looks like a manmade metal object, but after trying to pick it up with one hand through the inside, she gets a shock and retracts her hand away)
(Petey proceeds to dig at the object, and a small green light appears, zapping Petey on the nose before he howls at the sky)
NC (voiceover): While that’s going on, we cut to a poet played by Jimmy Smits who’s an—(exasperated sigh) Oh, God. An alcoholic? Really?!
Jimmy “Gard” Gardner (Smits): (is at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting) I haven’t had a…drink in about a year now.
NC (Voiceover): Jesus, we’ve got all the callback characters in check! Why don’t we just sing the cast that appears in every Stephen King movie?!
(The theme song to “Gilligan’s Island” starts playing, but with different lyrics and accompanying parody images of Maine and the miniseries’ characters appearing inside a helm in front of a lighthouse)
Singers: The people live in Maine, of course /There’s nowhere else to live / With the writer, the alcoholic, too / The adulterer and his whore / Some dumb rednecks, a disappointing resolution / Here in Stephen King’s Maine!
(Back to the miniseries)
NC (voiceover): So Smits is upset because he feels his alcoholism is keeping him from writing any new work, and he often talks about it with Bobbi, as apparently, they used to be an item. But she currently has her own problems, like how her dog is acting strange after getting zapped by that radioactive muffler.
(After a visit from the veterinarian, Bobbi takes Petey out into the waiting room, and all the pets in the room start to act crazy)
NC (voiceover): (laughs) What?
(We see a cockatoo twist its head wildly and a cobra getting loose from its glass cage)
NC (voiceover): WHO OWNS HALF OF THESE ANIMALS? I mean, a parakeet is one thing, but an owl? A cobra? A fucking komodo dragon? What the hell?!
Young Boy: (to Bobbi, while trying to control his komodo dragon) Hey, lady, why don’t you get your dog out of here?
NC: (scoffs) Can’t a kid just play some ball with his ferocious killer komodo dragon for just one moment?
NC (voiceover): So Smits gets in front of a crowd and reads to an awaiting public. He reads specifically to the ethnicities of Maine—who seem to take up these three seats right here—and the people applaud with delight. However, (speaks as a rich snob) not everybody is amused.
Patricia McCardle: I pay you to read new poetry, not old stuff. When’s the last poem you wrote that got published? You’re nothing but a drunk, Gardner. Always were, and always will be.
NC (voiceover): Of course, he’s not gonna take any of that. He’s gonna show her that he’s not a drunk by…
Jim: (to a young bartender) Why don’t we add some vodka to that?
NC (voiceover): …getting royally plastered. That’ll show her.
Jim: (to Patricia) Shall we maybe go upstairs or just give everybody a treat and do it right here on the rug, huh?
Patricia: (slaps Jim in the face) I’m going to see to it that you’ll never work again…
Jim: (sees a waitress walk by with a tray with two wine glasses) Excuse me. (He takes one of the glasses)
Patricia: …you drunken, pretentious, worthless— (Jim takes a whiff of the wine, is repulsed by it and dumps it down into Patricia’s cleavage) Oh!
NC (voiceover): (speaks snobbish) Well, this is a new one: A writer who’s an alcoholic. I never heard of such an odd combination!
(In his drunken stupor, Jim takes out a black umbrella from an umbrella holder and uses it as a weapon against another man (named Ted) fighting him)
NC (voiceover): Oh, no, he’s been taking fencing lessons from Burgess Meredith!
(A clip of the Penguin from the Adam West “Batman” TV series cackling is shown)
Jim: (to Ted) Is that all you can say, Mr. Power Man? Mr. uhh…Kilowatt. You nuking S.O.B. (Cut to him standing at a window) If you remember nothing else in this world, remember this: God hates a coward.
NC (voiceover): Well, there’s only one dignified way to exit this scene.
(Jim jumps out the window and falls onto the ground)
NC: (laughs) I’m sorry. I know we’re supposed to feel sorry for him, but…that’s like the ending to a Goofy cartoon.
(The clip of Jim falling out the window is shown again, this time with the Goofy yell added in before we see him land on the ground)
NC (voiceover): He wakes up on a beach after a drunken rampage and is picked up by Officer * who takes him home. While that’s going on, Hilly’s brother is frightened by something he hears making noise in the closet.
- (I have no clue what he said there; feel free to correct me)
(Davey approaches the closet that is glowing with green light, opens it, and a figure with glowing yellow fingertips spooks him)
NC (voiceover): (as the figure) Zuul, motherfuck—(Davey slams the closet door in fright) Ow! Son of a bitch. Ow.
Davey: (wakes up Hilly) Hilly, wake up. There’s a monster in my closet.
NC (voiceover): (as the figure in the closet) Don’t listen to him! Just put your delicious brains back to sleep. Doop-ee-doop-ee-doop.
Hilly: (checks the inside of the closet with the light on and finds nothing) It’s not a monster, Squirt.
NC (voiceover): But Hilly doesn’t see any monster and tells his brother to go back to sleep.
Davey: Can I sleep in your bed tonight?
Hilly: Sure. (He gets into bed with Davey) Back we go, all warm and safe and toasty.
NC (voiceover): Eww, I don’t like the way he said that.
(Hilly turns out the light and goes back to sleep, snuggling near Davey)
NC (voiceover): And I don’t like the way he’s snuggling with him, either. You know, Maine is sick. Do you know that, Maine? You’re very sick!
(Cut to the backyard of the Paulson residence with Joe heading off on a trip and Becka quickly stepping out the back door after him)
Becka: (shrieks) Joseph Bart Paulson, you get back here this instant!
NC (voiceover): So we see the cheating postman out again, as his wife—Deputy Olive Oyl—reminds him that he forgot his sandwiches.
Becka: (hands a brown bag lunch to Joe) For you and the boys, for your fishing trip.
Joe: Oh, this is great.
NC (voiceover): Well, as bad as he is, at least he appreciates the fact that his wife made him sandwich—(Joe tosses the bag lunch behind him as he drives off in the woods while Nancy rides with him) OH, MY GOD, HE NIXED THE SANDWICHES! HE NIXED THE SANDWICHES! YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!! Cheating on your wife is one thing, but throwing her sandwiches out the window? You are a bad, BAD MAN!
Nancy: (acts coy before Joe) Then let’s hop on and see what we can catch.
Joe: Aww. (He kisses her)
NC (voiceover): So while he’s getting a good look at her tommy-knockers, Smits meets up with Bobbi, who tells him that the strange device she started digging up seems to be making her smarter. Not only does she fix the plumbing in the house, but she also manages to take the water heater apart and fix that, too.
Bobbi: As I uncover it, it’s sending out some kind of…transmission.
Jim: It turned you into an Einstein, huh?
Bobbi: I have no idea how I got the water heater to…work. I just…knew as I was doing it, everything seemed clear as a bell.
NC (voiceover): God, it makes women good at plumbing AND machinery? If this thing takes away women’s fear of spiders, men are gonna have no use on this planet at all!
Bobbi: Let’s experience it together.
NC (voiceover): But at you’ll see, she’s not the only one getting the invention bug. Hilly, Olive Oyl (Becka), and even the Post Ho all seem to be freaking geniuses now, which might not be good news for Mr. Adulterer.
(Becka and Joe are having dinner in front of the TV)
Becka: Do you still love me, Joe?
Joe: What kind of a dim bulb question is that, anyway? No, you’re crazy. You’re—(He gets up but accidentally knocks his TV dinner tray over, breaking some glass in the process) I’m sorry. No, I’m not—geez! (Standing up, he looks around as though looking for his keys)
Becka: (stands on the couch) Why are you so mean to me?
Beverly Marsh (from “It”): Why is it so mean?
Becka: Where are you going?
Joe: How dare you ask me that question. I’m going out now, and I’ll be back when I want to. You got it?
Becka: But Joe—
Joe: But-but-but-but! See, I never wanna hear that word again. I never wanna hear “but” again, because but is what a goat has for brains. And but is for the small-minded people in this small town.
(Cut to him outside at night after having left the house and shutting the gate)
Joe: (chuckles to himself as he walks away) And but is what you say when you wanna get away from your stoop of a wife.
NC (voiceover): MY GOD! WHAT IS THIS GUY?! First the sandwiches, now laughing evilly while he’s off to have an affair?! Even Darth Vader would be like…
(An image of Darth Vader is shown)
NC (voiceover): (as Darth Vader) Dude, you’re a fucking ass!
(Back to the miniseries)
NC (voiceover): (normal) But Olive Oyl seems to get advice from an unlikely source.
Chaz Stewart (a TV show host): (speaks from the TV) Listen, Becka. Joe, he’s been cheating on you.
Becka: Okay, Chaz.
NC: No, no, the correct response is, “THE FLYING FUUUCK?!”
Becka: TVs don’t talk.
Chaz: Becka, it appears that this one does.
Becka: He’s having an affair?
Chaz: You got it.
Becka: Well, what am I gonna do?
Female Contestant #1: Kill him.
Female Contestant #2: Kill him.
Female Contestant #3: Kill him.
(Becka makes a stifled laugh as though becoming crazy, thinking that killing Joe is a good idea)
NC (voiceover): Now, you might be thinking to yourself: “She’s taking this way too comfortably well.” But let me tell you: When your TV comes to life, there’s no point in arguing with it. I know; trust me.
(Cut to a scenario of NC sleeping on his recliner with the TV playing off-screen)
“Vito Corleone”: Listen, I’ll make him an offer he can’t refuse—Oh, wait a minute, this cock-cheese is asleep, hang on. (He shouts to wake NC up) Hey, cock-cheese! (NC wakes up, startled) I’m trying to tell a story here. Pay attention. (NC reaches for a remote and is about to change the channel) Oh, don’t even think about changing the channel. I got a hit-man pointing a gun at you right now. (NC reaches into his pocket to get at his cell phone and dial it) There’s no point in calling the cops. I cancelled your phone service. They’re now on-call. (NC starts to get up from his recliner) And it’s useless to get up from your chair, seeing how I’ll kill your mother if you do. (NC sits back down, concerned) But I guess that doesn’t matter, because I rigged the house to explode in just a few seconds. Happy Halloween, Sleepy. (NC screams) Don’t do that. NC: Oh.
(An explosion occurs in a ball of flame, covering the screen)
(Back to the miniseries)
NC (voiceover): So as these two (Bobbi and Jim) continue to dig up the lost city of Tetris, Smits finally realizes maybe it’s best to call the police.
Bobbi: Gard! They will come here with-with trucks filled with barb wire and men with guns, and…they’ll gag us, Gard, and you know that they would do it.
NC: (points to the camera a few times) E.T. is a true story! All the feds will come over here, they’ll take all our stuff away, and then all the guns will turn into walkie-talkies! It’ll be weird.
NC (voiceover): Speaking of weird, Hilly’s magic trick—using the invention of the crocodile tongues seem to help create—seems to do its job a little too well, as he makes his brother disappear, but then never brings him back.
Bryant Brown (Hilly’s Dad): Hilly, you stop fooling around and get Davey back, now.
Hilly: I’m trying, but I can’t! I’m trying, okay?
Marie Brown (Hilly’s Mother): Okay, where is he, Hilly? Where did he go?
Hilly: I don’t know. I don’t know where things go when they stop being here. (Ev looks down in a bit of grief) Come back, Davey. Come back.
NC: It’s okay. I’m sure he just went to another dimension right within the realms of Outworld.
Shang Tsung (from “Mortal Kombat”): Your brother’s soul is mine!
NC: See? He’s in good hands.
NC (voiceover): But it turns out the brother really has disappeared, and nobody can find him. So the whole entire town shows up—all twelve of them!—to help track him down however they can, all except for one person who had to go home early.
Officer Ruth: (to Becka) Oh, Joe left the search early. He said he was coming down with the flu.
NC (voiceover): No. He can’t be. He seriously can’t be!
Becka: I’ll be back first thing in the morning.
Officer Ruth: Okay. (She hugs her) Thanks, Becka.
NC (voiceover): I’m going to puke up my lung if he is actually—
(Cut to Joe having an affair with Nancy in bed)
NC (voiceover): OH, MY GOD!!!! YOU LEFT A SEARCH FOR A LOST CHILD TO FUCK THE MAIL LADY?!! First the sandwiches, then the evil laughter, now abandoning a child to get laid!! Dude, you’re not gonna find the kid in her vagina!!
Joe: Forget it. Becka’s gonna be manning those phones day and night until they find him.
Nancy: (moans in lust) Mmm.
Nancy: Day…and night.
Joe: Night and day.
(They both embrace and kiss)
NC (voiceover): I can’t take this guy. I really can’t. He isn’t just an asshole; he’s like…a compilation of assholes to make the world’s biggest asshole. The six million dollar asshole!
(Cut to footage from the intro to “The Six Million Dollar Man,” overlaid over footage of Joe)
NC (voiceover): (as Oscar Goldman) Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We will take elements from the world’s biggest dick-horses (Images of people like Kanye West and Mel Gibson are shown quickly) and make him shittier than he ever was before! Shittier, crappier, straight-up cockmunch.
(At the end of the parody, we get a title “The Six Million Dollar Asshole along with the smiling Joe)
(Back to the miniseries)
NC (voiceover): But Olive Oyl decides she can’t take it anymore, and sets up a trap for the dick-meister.
(Joe enters the living room and sees Becka watching TV while eating Ritz crackers from a box)
Joe: Will you turn this junk off? I mean, I hate this show.
Becka: Turn it off yourself.
Joe: What did you say to me?
Becka: (speaks with a cracker in her mouth) I said, “You could damn well turn it off yourself, Joseph Paulson!”
NC: Hey, now, you don’t mean that. It’s the crackers talking.
Chaz: (on the TV) That’s it. Goodnight, good day to you.
(Joe looks at her with a devilish grin before he pushes the Power button on the TV, and green electric light shocks him severely, electrocuting him)
NC (voiceover): (as Joe) Oh, no! I’ve been Listerined!
(Joe falls to the floor dead)
NC (voiceover): (as Joe) Make sure my coffin is minty fresh.
NC (voiceover): And the inventions keep on going, as Bobbi, it appears, put together a type-writing machine that actually writes the story while she’s asleep. I’d make a Stephen King joke here, but let’s face it; you’ve already made it in your head. But things get even worse when Hilly suddenly slips into a coma.
Bryant: (carries Hilly to the front door while Marie and Ev follow behind) I’m taking him to the hospital.
Ev: (stops in front of Bryant) No, no, no, no, you two stay here. I’ll take Hilly to the hospital. I’ll call you as soon as I’ve spoke with the doctors.
NC (voiceover): Ah, yes, trust the guy who believes in Injun magic with the safety of your child.
Marie: (while Ev gets in the car) Dad. Be okay, honey. (We quickly see Bryant lift a hand up, almost as though smacking her face with the back of it; NC adds in a “Smack” sound effect here) Be okay.
(Ev drives off)
NC (voiceover): And just where is the hospital, you may ask?
(Cut to Hilly’s hospital room with NC’s subtitle “Derry, Maine” and a “Ding!” sound)
NC (voiceover): Oh, good! I hear they have a real good health plan down there. Whenever a kid is in trouble, they just…
(Footage of “It” is shown with an old man walking inside his home while Young Beverly Marsh is being teased and taunted by some bullies)
NC (voiceover): …walk inside their house and pretend like nothing is going on. Suck on that, continuity lovers!
(Cut to Becka in an insane asylum and wearing a straitjacket in a padded room)
Becka: Tommyknockers, Tommyknockers, knocking at the door.
NC (voiceover): So as you can see, Olive Oyl is put in the nuthouse, and it seems like the rest of the town is not too far behind. Not only is everybody making Dr. Seuss inventions, but many of them start becoming more psychic and acting more crazy. I know a psychic in a Stephen King story. Alert the media!
Nancy: (to Jim) What was it that you wanted?
Jim: Well, aren’t you gonna read my mind like everybody else has?
Nancy: I’m not getting it.
NC (voiceover): The only one who doesn’t seem to be affected by it is Smits, as he had a metal plate put in his head years ago that they think blocks off part of his brain, probably the part that said, “Say no to ‘Star Wars’ prequels.”
(Cut to Jim approaching Bobbi at home)
Jim: Are you okay?
Bobbi: (is seen having finished washing her face at the bathroom sink) Yeah, I just needed a good night sleep. Ready to dig. (She goes to sit at an armchair and put on her working boots)
Jim: Well, I think you should take a good look at yourself.
Jim: You’re obsessed. You can’t stop.
Bobbi: I can’t stop? Wh-wh-what are you implying?
NC: (is shocked, finding this unnerving) You’re obsessed and you can’t stop?
Bobbi: I can stop…
Jim: When I want.
NC (voiceover): Officer Ruth starts to catch on as well and tries calling for backup. And seeing how she’s doing it in the doll room, I beg you’ll never figure out where this is going.
(A doll’s hand presses the switch hook, disconnecting the phone call)
NC (voiceover): What a shock.
Mustachioed Doll: Too late, Ruth.
Rag Doll: Too late!
(A witch doll comes to life and cackles, flying up to Ruth and hitting her on the head, knocking her out and fall onto the floor; all the dolls start to approach her)
NC (voiceover): (as the dolls, singing to the tune of “The Lollipop Guild” from “The Wizard of Oz”) We represent the Homicide Guild, the Homicide Guild…
(A bust of Thomas Jefferson magically falls forward and hits Ruth on the head)
Chucky (from “Child’s Play 3”): Don’t fuck with the Chuck!
(Ruth soon passes out)
NC (voiceover): Yeah, I bet you thought all those dolls were just gonna sit there nice and quiet all throughout this Stephen King story, didn’t you? But nope! They hide her body and disappear off to…I don’t know, “Puppet Master 12” or something. And meanwhile, the Post Ho has been doing some inventing as well, as she tries her new invention on a pair of dimwitted cops.
Nancy: (to Cop #1) Is he always so mean and grumpy? Is he like that to you, too, Trooper? Or is it just me?
Cop #1: I, uh—
(NC mocks Cop #1 by babbling and chewing his tongue with a dopey face)
Cop #1: I, uh—
NC: (as Cop #1, babbling and chewing his tongue in a dopey way) I’m just an officer. I don’t use big words in front of pretty ladies. (He stops what he’s doing and realizes something, speaking normally) That sounded like Randy Newman.
(Getting an idea, he reaches off-screen camera left and pretends to play on a piano)
NC: (sings like Randy Newman) Officers / They don’t use words for the ladies…
Nancy: I just wish you’d known better than to come snooping around like this. (She reaches into her purse for something)
Cop #2: (draws out his pistol to aim at Nancy) Hold it right there, now.
Cop #1: (draws out his pistol to aim at Nancy as well) Do as he says, Ma’am.
Nancy: (pulls out her lipstick) You wouldn’t stop a lady from putting on a little lipstick, would ya?
(Both cops put down their pistols)
NC: (as the cops) No, no, that is true. We do have to let a woman put on her lipstick. It’s, like, Rule 22.
Nancy: (aims her lipstick at the cops) Bye-bye, boys. (Green light shoots out from the lipstick and cover both cops, making them disappear)
NC (voiceover): Really? A lipstick death ray? We’re actually writing in a lipstick death ray? This is silly, even by Stephen King standards! Did they just want a reason to steal the effects from the 1960s “Star Trek” show? Tell me the scene where she fights Gorn is coming up next!
(A Photoshopped image of Nancy (with her face superimposed over Captain Kirk) fighting against Gorn is shown)
(Cut to the hospital with Hilly still in a coma and both Ev and Trooper Butch Duggan observing him)
Ev: Two disappearances in one week. That’s more than a coincidence.
Butch Duggan: Just…vanished into thin air without a trace.
Ev: Butch, have you ever heard of the Tommyknockers?
NC: Oh, hey! The…title of the movie! Just…two hours in and we’re finally gonna figure out what it is. Let’s see.
Ev: Last night and the night before, “Tommyknockers, Tommyknockers, knocking at my door.” You said yourself there was…as if they had vanished into thin air.
Butch: (sighs) Well, I’ll think about it. If anything else occurs to you, give me a call. (He leaves the room)
NC (voiceover): Well, that explained everything. I’m sure he’s gonna rub off Mr. Boogedy and the Leprechaun people to find out their location.
NC: Or…is this gonna be like every other Stephen King story where he makes up a name for something that already has a name? Like…
(The movie poster for “The Shining” is shown)
NC (voiceover): …the Shining is just Psychic? (“Psychic” appears onscreen)
(The poster for “It” is shown)
NC (voiceover): It is just an alien. (“An Alien” appears onscreen)
(The movie poster for “The Langoliers” is shown)
NC (voiceover): Or Langoliers was…
(Brief footage of the Langolier creatures are shown)
NC (voiceover): Okay, you can keep that one, but to be fair, we didn’t want it, anyway.
(The townspeople gather at the front of the church where green light shines out from a large barrel-like machine, and Jim observes this from afar)
NC (voiceover): So everyone gathers around the Church of Slimer as everyone is hypnotized by the lean mean green machine to keep digging it up.
Bobbi: (speaks before the crowd of people) The time for all of us to unite is at hand. Are you ready to complete the “becoming”?
NC: (as a townsperson) Is that sort of like “The Happening,” only funnier? (The movie poster for “The Happening is shown briefly)
Jim: (whispers to himself) Bobbi, no.
NC (voiceover): But the crowd heard that…inane whisper, captures Smits and forces him to start digging up the device. Meanwhile, Grandpa and the officer return to check on the town, only to find that it’s completely abandoned. But hey, that doesn’t mean they can’t stop for a nice cold one.
(Butch purchases a Coke bottle from a vending machine, but it is jammed)
Butch: (kicks at the machine) Come on, you stupid… (Reaching in to get at the bottle, sharp clamps clasp around his wrist, and the machines starts to shake and get smoky before many Coke bottles and loose change spit out and liquid Coke is sprayed on him)
NC (voiceover): Did they booby-trap the Coke machine? You know, how about, like, a mine in the road or something like that? I mean, this is goofily abstract. What if military forces AREN’T THIRSTY?!
(Ev tries to help Butch out)
Butch: GO! NOW!
(Ev hurries away from the scene before the vending machine spontaneously explodes)
NC: (claps his hands once) THEY DID IT! THEY FRIED THE COKE AGAIN!
(The clip of the vending machine exploding is shown again)
NC: Oh, this is good. This is really good, ‘cause this gives me a chance to properly explain what “Frying the Coke” is. (He clears his throat) It’s when somebody does something so stupid…
(A clip from “Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus” of a giant shark jumping out of the ocean to attack a flying jet plane high above is shown as NC explains)
NC (voiceover): …or phenomenally over-the-top, that you can’t help but find it unbelievably awesome.
(Cut back to the exploding vending machine scene)
NC (voiceover): And by God, what is more awesome than being killed by an exploding soda machine created by glowing Nickelodeon slime?
NC: Aside from…a tiger…
(A clip from the climax to “Double Team” is shown)
NC (voiceover): …stepping on a mine in a coliseum where a Coke machine is your only salvation.
NC: BUT ASIDE FROM THAT, none.
(Back to the miniseries)
NC (voiceover): So Grandpa goes deeper into the woods to find the evil diggers. At first, I thought it was weird that he didn’t go back and try to get help, but then again, I guess it would sound odd telling a police officer that a Coke machine ate your friend and there’s a cult trying to dig up Ecto Cooler, so maybe he made the right choice. But he gets captured, too, and it seems like Smits is the only one left to save the day. He convinces Bobbi that he’s turned to their side and that only the two of them should be allowed to finish the digging and see what’s inside.
(Bobbi and Jim activate a glowing octagon they uncovered from the earth, and a portal opens beneath them, which takes them underground)
NC (voiceover): And just what is inside the machine? The Tardis from “Doctor Who”! (The caption “The Tardis!” appears onscreen) No, no, that’d be somewhat creative. No, it’s just aliens. (Beat) That’s it. They crash-landed and have been here for years eating up people so they can repopulate.
Jim: (to Bobbi) They’ve been giving you brain boosters when all they’re doing is-is fattening you up!
Terence Baggett (from “Naked Gun 2 ½: The Smell of Fear”): It’s a cookbook! It’s a cookbook!
NC (voiceover): How does eating people help them repopulate? Why is the town now being hypnotized by them? Why do intelligent life forms suddenly seem to CRASH THEIR SHIPS?! Never explained. They’re just aliens! (scoffs) They’re just weird.
Bobbi: (starts to grow scared) This has all been a lie.
NC (voiceover): But they do find some of the missing people, including Hilly’s brother.
(Bobbi and Jim help Davey out of a bubbly trap)
Bobbi: (to Davey) Drop your head.
Jim: Come on.
Bobbi: Are you okay?
NC (voiceover): (as Davey) Worst…magic trick…ever.
NC (voiceover): (normal) So it’s kind of confusing, but I guess Smits throws the Toy-R-Us alien off the wheel and takes control of the ship with his mind. But the aliens try to stop him—which is…weird. Why didn’t they stop him when he first came in?—but Smits manages to get the ship up, and—(A cheap-looking shot of the spaceship flying in space is shown, and NC laughs at this) Oh, God, that looks silly.—and blows it to hell with him inside.
(The ship explodes in space in a green splatter; as the sky clears, NC’s caption “Services will be held on Alderaan” appears at the bottom)
Bobbi: (falls to her knees and shrieks in sorrow) NOOOOOO!
(NC adds in a new caption “Okay, Hoth.”)
NC (voiceover): And…that’s where it ends! Eh, I shouldn’t say “end”; just more…stops. And with that said, kids, I must ask the question: “What have we learned today?”
NC: (brief pause) Well, I…learned there’s a rumor that Stephen King wrote this while high off his ass.
(Clips from the miniseries play again as NC speaks)
NC (voiceover): And honestly, I wouldn’t doubt it. I mean, yeah, it’s stupid, silly and makes little sense, but it’s also kind of like looking into somebody’s psyche. Most of the story is talking about how a certain substance increases your creativity but also increases your dependency, much like when King admitted that’s what happened when he was a stoned alcoholic, so in that sense, it’s actually sort of fascinating; Seeing one guy try to get rid of his dependency while also trying to make others beat theirs. But taking that out of it, this actually is one of the more entertaining Stephen King miniseries, just based off of its goofiness. As usual, it’s a lot of buildup to a disappointing payoff, but…the buildup is always good and the over-the-top delivery is a ton of fun to watch. Honestly, I say give it a watch. Just don’t play the Drinking Game while watching it; your lungs will disappear.
NC: I’m the Nostalgia Critic, and Nostalgia-Ween is on the way. (He pulls out the “Craig Toomey” figurine and pretends to flip a switch behind its back)
Craig Toomey (from “The Langoliers”): (audio from the figurine) Lady!
Channel Awesome Tagline—Hilly: All warm and safe and toasty.