The Top 11 Drug PSAs
June 22nd, 2208
NC: Hello I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. Hey kids, it's best not to do drugs. Why? Because it's bad for you, it kills your brain cells, it makes you stupid, you could get arrested for it, and it's really really addictive which means that it's hard to stop doing it. So if you don't wanna go through all that stuff, just stay away from drugs. ...WHY IS THAT SO HARD? Just tell your kids the truth, and they'll get the idea! But nope, public service announcements wanna scare the shit out of us by making it look like drugs came from the devil and if you do drugs you turn into one of his evil little minions.
Some footage of a devil and his minions in hell
NC: These PSAs were so far fetched, you couldn't help but laugh at them. Which is why today, I am bringing you the Top 11 Greatest Drug PSAs ever. Why Top 11? Because I like to go one step beyond. So, pull up your couch and enjoy what I'm sure is medicinal in your hand. This is the Top 11 Greatest Nostalgic Drug PSAs.
A title sequence; interlude that sounds like a bong being lit
Footage of the first PSA
NC (voiceover): Number 11--I used to see this one all the time when I was a kid, and to be honest, I kinda liked it. It was short, sweet, it had a lot of energy to it. But here's the thing: their tagline is "Be An Original." So wouldn't that technically mean not listening to what the TV is telling me to do?
NC: It's kinda like a weird Zen riddle. If I do what the TV tells me, I won't be an original. But if I DON'T do what the TV tells me, I'll be following everyone else. ...God I wish I had some drugs.
NC (voiceover): My other problem with this is that the drugs in this PSA don't even look like drugs. They look like some sort of weird alien technology.
NC: The real tagline should've been:
Shot of the drugs again, this time with the spoken words underneath, and them glowing green
NC: Just say no to Radioactive Gerbleekle Plax. Because intergalactic crack is whack!
Interlude; next PSA
NC (voiceover): Number 10--This one starts with a father talking to his 13 year old son.
Father: I figured when you were old enough, I'd talk to you about drugs.
NC: Okay, well this doesn't seem too bad. After all it is important to talk to your kids about drugs and make sure that they don't go down the wrong pa-
Camera in the PSA pans out, showing the father standing in a cemetery, talking to one of the graves
NC: OH MY GOD! He's dead, he's dead, he's talking to a dead boy, he's dead, drugs took his life, oh my God! What a twist! He just M. Night Shyamalan-ed my ass!
NC (voiceover): You know, there was a lot of PSAs about how parents should talk to their kids about drugs, but, they were always shown during Saturday Morning Cartoons.
NC: And if you're like every other parent in the world, you hadn't woken up to see Saturday morning in YEARS. It's your day off, and you're gonna sleep. Sleep like the dead!
Cut back to father looking at the grave
NC: Oh sorry, I...I didn't mean that dead line...um...condolences.
PSAnnouncer: If you don't take the time to tell your kids to say no to drugs, it's as good as saying "Yes."
Interlude; next PSA
NC (voiceover): Number 9--Here's a weird little PSA that actually gives drugs its very own theme song. Is it me, or does it sound like this PSA is actually PROMOTING drugs? And if that's not bad enough, there's actually parts of the song where they talk about the good things that drugs do.
Song: Drugs can make you better, when you're feelin' ill.
NC: Uh, mixing the signal there guys!
NC (voiceover): Now to be fair, they do talk about bad drugs too, but it's hard to hear cause you can barely make it out.
Song again, but nearly unintelligible
NC: Uh, sure to have a paw? Let's struggle with the law?
NC (voiceover): I don't know which are good and which are bad, the way you're singing, I don't even know what the hell drugs are!
Interlude, next PSA
NC (voiceover): Number 8--Now this isn't really as much about drugs as much as it is about smoking, but this Star Wars PSA definitely deserves mentioning. Why? Because it actually shows R2D2 lighting up!
NC: WHAT THE HELL?! I didn't even know robots had lungs to damage!
C3PO: I don't think smoking is grown-up at all!
NC: Yes, now golden robots and trash cans on wheels, THAT'S very adult.
NC (voiceover): Seriously, who even knew R2D2 was addicted. Cigarettes are hard to beat, and something tells me R2 didn't back down quite as easily as they let on.
C3PO: (gasp) Oh R2! You're on fire!
Superimposed words implying RS is saying "Jesus, not this A-Hole again"
C3PO: R2D2 you found a cigarette!
"No shit, Tin Cock"
C3PO: Well I don't think smoking is grown-up at all.
"Lay off dick box, or I'll kick you in the golden nads, again."
C3PO: Smoking does dreadful things to your lungs, and it's very bad for your heart.
"Bite me, plastic douche"
C3PO: Well no, I don't have one, but humans do, and I think we should set a good example.
"You have made a powerful enemy;" he drops the cigarette
C3PO: Well done R2!
"Sleep well, dead man"
NC: Breaking a habit is hard.
C3PO: Don't smoke.
Interlude; next PSA
NC (voiceover): Number 7--This one is just weird. It doesn't even really say drugs are bad or anything, it just...well watch it.
Businessman: I do coke. So I can work longer. So I can earn more. So I can do more coke...
He continues the last two lines while walking around; the camera pans out, showing him walking circles around a room, never leaving or changing his path
NC: Yeah...never let David Lynch direct a drug PSA
NC (voiceover): I mean it makes NO sense! So the guy does some coke, runs around like the roadrunner, and then disappears into a "The End" credit?
NC: I never even saw a PSA that had a "The End" credit before. My guess is that they commissioned the writer from The Shining to write this shit up, and then they just put some visuals in at the end.
Scene from The Shining
Jack: How do you like it?
Interlude; next PSA
NC (voiceover): Number 6--This is another one that has one of those quote-unquote twist endings. It's just a woman who's about to take a dive in the pool while the narrator talks about drugs.
Narrator: Doin' drugs is like...bein' on top of the world. Everyone says so.
NC (voiceover): Okay, not bad so far, everything's goin'-
The woman dives off the board, and the camera switches to show the pool is completely empty.
NC (voiceover): OH MY GOD, THERE'S NO WATER IN THE POOL, OH MY GOD OH MY GOD THERE'S NO WATER IN THE POOL OH MY GOD!
NC: What a twist! Honestly, I know I'm supposed to be horrified by this, but all I'm really thinkin' about is if the mark she left in the pool looked like this:
A cartoonish illustration of a perfect body-shaped hole in the pool floor
NC: You know, that kind of Wile E. Coyote look. I don't think her hair would weigh so much that it would leave an indent, but you get the idea.
Narrator: You just better know what you're jumping into.
Interlude; next PSA
NC (voiceover): Number 5--Yeah, remember this guy? If you ever pissed yourself in your sleep you do. This guy starts off as just some loud-talking drug dealer, but then slowly turns into this scary-looking snake guy.
Snake: You know who I am--Snake. Dealin' in weed, coke, crack, your choice, if you want to. You'll beat on yo momma, cheat on yo homeboys, but hey, do I look like the kinda guy that would do that to a kid like you?
Throughout the speech, Snake has turned into a hideous monster, and NC has become more and more frightened.
NC: (below the camera, just holding up a hand and pointing) GO TO THE NEXT ONE!
Interlude; next PSA
NC (voiceover): Number 4--Oh, I love this one. And again, it has something of a twist ending.
Dad: (holding a box of drugs to present to his son) This yours?
Son: No, it's-
Dad: Your mother said she found it in your closet.
Son: I don't know, well the guy must've-
Dad: Must've what?
Son: Look dad, it's not-
Dad: Where'd you get it? Answer me!
NC: Answer me you little punk!
Dad: Who taught you how to do this stuff?
NC: WHO TAUGHT YOU TO DO THIS STUFF?
Son: You, alright?! I learned it by watching you.
NC: (gasp) You stole my drugs you little bastard, I'll kill you! I'll kill you!
NC (voiceover): Actually, I love this PSA, cause I always wondered how the conversation went afterwards.
NC/Dad: I taught you how to do this?
NC/Son: Yeah, well, you were high while you were doing it.
NC/Dad: Oh yeah yeah, that makes sense, yeah. ... ... So uh, did you ever figure out where to buy the filters for the bongs?
NC/Son: Well most places like Ace Hardware don't sell them anymore, you know, for this exact reason, but there's still a lot of places online that could hook you up, and for reasonable prices too.
NC/Son: Oh yeah, real cheap.
NC/Dad: I taught you well son.
NC/Son: Well, I had a good teacher...
NC: Now that's a PSA I would listen to!
Interlude; next PSA
NC (voiceover): Number 3--People know this one so well they could say it in their sleep.
Commercial: This is drugs. This is your brain on drugs. Any questions?
NC (voiceover): This is probably one of the best well-known PSAs ever. But why?
NC: I think it's because everybody had a witty retort to say after the PSA was over. For example, here's a few I heard growing up.
Commercial: Any questions?
NC: Can you serve my brain with a side-order of bacon? Is that made with real brains, or substitution brain-meat? Can I get mine as a Brain Benedict? Is it true you can't make an omelette without breaking some brains? Would this technically be considered brain food? Is my brain part of a complete breakfast? Are you gonna eat my brain, cause I'm REALLY hungry...mostly from doing drugs.
NC (voiceover): Actually, this PSA was so popular that it spawned a sequel PSA with this FUCKING crazy woman.
Rachel Leigh Cook: So this is your brain. This is heroin. This is what happens to your brain after snorting heroin. (she smashes the egg with the frying pan) And this is what your body goes through. This what your FAMILY GOES THROUGH!
She begins smashing up the kitchen
Rachel: And your friends and your MONEY! And your job, and your self-respect, and your future! ...any questions?
NC: Yeah, what the hell kinda drugs are you on?
Interlude; next PSA
NC (voiceover): Number 2--This is personally one of my favorites. It starts with a kid in school being teased by the world's most generic, and probably youngest drug dealer.
The dealer asks the kid if they're chicken and clucks
NC: Did you ever in your life actually know a bully that went "bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk!"
NC (voiceover): Suddenly we cut to a classroom where the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are apparently teaching a class of kindergarteners.
NC: Aw dude, how did I not get THAT class growing up?
NC (voiceover): So the kindergarteners say that Joey should "get out of there!"
Kid: GET OUTTA THERE!
Donatello: You got it. Let's see if Joey's that smart!
NC: And then, Joey comes up with the greatest comeback line in the history of victorious zingers.
Joey: I'm not chicken. You're a turkey!
NC is surrounded by a mystical aura
NC: Wow, that was...that was cosmic.
NC (voiceover): I mean, you will never hear a greater defense in ALL of junior high history.
Joey (slo-mo): I'm not chicken...you're a turkey!
NC (voiceover): This insult was so good that the bully had no choice but to stuff himself in his own locker.
NC: Where he hanged himself with the straps of his backpack. It is that good.
Sad music plays over images of the dealer, with the words "Billy Sleeze, 1982-1993"
Interlude; final PSA
NC (voiceover): And the Number 1 Greatest Nostalgic Drug PSA is...
An incredibly dramatic opening
NC: Wow, what is this?
NC: It must be serious.
PeeWee Herman comes into focus in the PSA; NC is very confused
PeeWee: This is Crack. Rock cocaine. It isn't glamorous, or cool, or kid stuff. It's the most addictive kind of cocaine, and it can kill you. What's really bad is nobody knows how much it takes. So everytime you use it, you risk dying. It isn't worth it. Look...everybody wants to be cool. But doing it with Crack isn't just wrong. It could be dead wrong.
A picture of a vial of crack, with the words "Don't Even Try It. The Thrill Can Kill."
NC: Oh my God...where do I start?
Footage of PeeWee's Playhouse and other things related to Paul Rubens
NC (voiceover): First of all, look at this show and tell me it isn't somehow inspired by an illegal substance. No sober person could possibly come up with this. Second, didn't he play a drug dealer in the movie Blow? Isn't that just a LITTLE contradictory to what's being said here? Third, this is just a few weeks before the infamous movie theater scandal where Paul Rubens was found whacking-off in public.
NC: Kind of a mixed message there PeeWee. I mean, how do you think the follow-up PSA for this went? "Hey kids, remember, Crack is whack, but wax the smack. So whack off whenever you can! (PeeWee laugh)"
NC (voiceover): Last, but definitely not least, PeeWee Herman talking to me about Crack is absolutely HILARIOUS.
NC: If it was Paul Rubens, the actor who PLAYED PeeWee telling me about Crack, MAYBE that could work. But when PeeWee Herman, not Paul Rubens says "This is Crack," I die a little inside. I die of laughter, and I know I look very together and collected right now, but when I first saw this, I had to go through hours, and HOURS of laughter, to get to this point. I mean that's hours of oxygen probably taken off the end of my life that I will never get back. It is THAT hilarious.
NC (voiceover): Look, I love PeeWee Herman, but this is just insane. Most of these drug PSAs are. Instead of being truthful or honest, drug PSAs just wanna scare us and not question the truth behind this government propaganda.
NC: I guess they have good intentions, but is it really worth it to go so over the top about a subject matter that many of us probably wouldn't have even known about before we heard it on TV?
NC: AH! Okay, just don't show me that guy again! I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to.
He runs off screen