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Hi! I'm the Rap Critic, and these are the top 5 worst lyrics I've ever heard… this month…

5

Now, with number 5, I'm kinda cheating, because it's technically not a lyric in the song, and other people have done this before… but in 2014, it's getting old:

*DJ Mustard audio watermark*

This trend in general just feels like it's cheapening the music itself, like, when I hear this, I don't feel like I'm listening to a song, it feels like I'm listening to a product

And honestly, for this DJ Mustard guy in particular, I don't see why he NEEDS any trademark intros to tell you whose beats they are, mainly because they all sound the same…

"I'm different, R.I.P., My Nigga, Paranoid, Show Me"

Overblown synth bass and light xylophone or piano melody seems to be the only thing this guy has to offer. But then I thought, "Hey, he NEEDS to put his name on the intro of his tracks, so you know it's not just some generic, boring producer making an uncreative beat, it's specifically THIS generic boring producer making an uncreative beat. *watermark* Oh yes, my friends, this is the unique, trailblazing originator himself, THE ONE AND ONLY, EASILY reproducible sound that IS the product of DJ Mustard. You know, sometimes I wish I could go back to a time where beats were more than just a synth noise and finger snaps

4 "Laffy Taffy" (2004)

2004? Huh. I didn't realize how long it's been this way…

"Girl, shake that laffy taffy"

I just wanted to make a clarification here, because for the longest time, most people thought they were referring to girls shaking their butts when they said "shake your laffy taffy", a candy that, as you may note, looks nothing like a butt. No, in fact, on the contrary, they were asking women to shake the part of them that most resembles a pink laffy taffy, which… would be a thing that makes sense, since when a booty is shaking, it is presumed that the rest of that region is shaking as well, but when you specifically demand that she shake her vagina, as it were, uh, I can't help but conjure up the oddly detailed imagery of a woman's… other set of lips flapping freely, which is an odd request to demand of a woman, mostly because it requires said woman's nether regions to have been… frequently… inhabited… in order to have it get to the point of being able to… I'm gonna move on…

I wanna DUH-NUH-NUH

Okay, nevermind, it's hard to get past that line. I mean, what the hell makes you...

"Girls Call Me Jolly Rancher, cause I stay so hard!"

Oh wait, I found a new line to pick on!

And you know what's funny about that line? He sounds so proud of it, as he relates it to saying that girls call him Jolly Rancher because, as he has deduced...

"You can suck it for a long time, oh my god!"

...but personally, the first thing I thought of when I heard that was, "Hey, aren't Jolly Ranchers only an inch long? I'm just saying Faybo, those girls MIGHT not have been giving you a complement

"Ms. Jackson"

"Ms. Jackson", by Outkast, is a song about apologizing to the mother of your baby mamma over the fact that you and her daughter had a child before ever getting married and are no longer in a relationship, and in the song, Outkast talk about how they're willing to be adults about the situation and instead of running out on these women, they still want to raise their children despite their tattered relationship, and the fact that the new grandmother, Ms Jackson, does not like them

Why do I bring this song up, then? Because… this has been on my mind for a while…

3 "Lights, Camera, Action"

Uh shorty, turn it around lemme see somethin Fuckin with me for real, it's gone be somethin Yea, I'm talkin lights, camera, action Had me singin "I'm sorry Ms. Jackson"

Okay, so how does the meaning of THAT song work in relation to this chorus?

Because from what I gather, this chorus can be summed up as, "Girl, you're so fine, that I want to attempt raising a child who's early developmental stages will be spent divided between two opposing households. It strikes me as odd that he seems to have skipped the whole "having sex" part, and derives pleasure purely from the possible future of single parenting. And yeah, I know it's just some forgettable club jam that didn't think twice about it's meaning, but if you're gonna quote my favorite rap duo, you'd better use it appropriately, dammit! You hear me, Mr. Chee-- *laughs* wait, is his name actually "Mr. Cheeks"? Like, facial cheeks, like he's smiling and happy all the time? 'Cause… that'd be lame. Or does he mean butt cheeks? Like, he's "Mr. Butt Cheeks"... 'Cause… that's also kinda lame. Okay, we should make a rule right now: any time your rap name could be confused with either a crappy kids t.v. show character or the name of a gay porn star, you need to choose a new rap name

2 "Keep On Keepin' On" MC Lyte

Ah yes, my girl MC Lyte, possibly the best female rapper of all time. But of course, even the greatest rappers in the mainstream still have to have their club slash sex jam, so here's "Keep On Keepin' On", which, hey, it's cool to hear a song where a girl approaches a dude every once in a while

B-boy where the fuck you at?

Well damn, what are you asking for, a romantic rendez-vous, or last month's rent? Seriously, there's no need to be that confrontational…

I get loose and produce large amounts of juice

Oh… oh, damn…

More honey than a bumble-bee hive

Hm. You know, due to the fact that most graphic sex raps are done through a male perspective, we only get what they focus on, which is penis size...

Big Pun: I rip my prick through ya hooters I'm sick, you couldn't meaasure my dick with six rulers

...but I never really hear much of what women would brag about concerning sexual superiority, which, interestingly enough, concerns her bragging about her let's say, natural lubrication

Sweet like licorice, sugar from a booger

And hey, what's wrong with a female rapper bragging about her-- wait, run that back one more time

Sweet like licorice, sugar from a booger

Did she just compare her vaginal juices to boogers? Look, I don't know about you guys, but in my personal sex life, I make it a rule to not bring up the taste of dried snot in direct comparison to cunnilingus. Now, I'm wondering what conversation her and her lover had after this presumed one night stand

Guy: I just wanna let you know, every time I pick my nose, I'll think of going down on you

Lyte: I… don't need to be reminded of that

1 "#Rihanna"

Gas Pedal, Gas Pedal

Oh god, not this guy again… wait, this isn't even that song, this one is called… hashtag Rihanna, because… oh hell, you know why

"And I'll shoot your face off Turn on the t.v. and watch Face/Off"

Wait, actually, I'm not sure anymore, what did that have to do with anything?

He just starts with …"And I'll shoot your face off". You wanna clarify what might have motivated your actions? Or, maybe he got his lyrics backwards and what he's saying is if you turn on the t.v. to watch Face/Off, he'll shoot you. That's the only reasoning I can figure out, because I'm not cutting anything off there; that's how his verse STARTS: in mid sentence. Look, anytime you start off a song with a conjunction, just erase it and start over. And I don't mean the song, I mean go back to grade school and start over, because the education system has clearly failed you

But hey, it's not Sage that came up with the original idea for this song, it was actually Glasses Malone, so please, tell us why this song is called…

"Treat it like Rihanna: beat it up, beat it up"

Yep! You heard right! But wait! Allow him to clarify what he means by that

"I love a freaky island bitch And I'll beat, beat, beat, 'til she's out of hits"

…YEP. And if you listen really closely, you can hear his voice quickly fading out at the end, cutting off the "Oh my God, I'm going to hell!" that would surely follow something so asshole-ish. But they still released this song, oh, and they kept that hashtag on there, you know, so if this song gets popular, when Rihanna looks up her own name on twitter, she can see THEIR song piggybacking off of a devastating event that happened to her, used strictly as a jarringly insensitive punchline… no pun intended

I'm the Rap Critic, and I just gave these guys more publicity than they needed…

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