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The Top Ten Worst Hit Songs of 1991

Top 10 worst hit songs of 1991 by thebutterfly-d8qs129

Date Aired
April 23, 2015
Running Time
15:26 (Part 1)
14:29 (Part 2)
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IntroductionEdit

Todd lets out an exasperated sigh. Screen shots of various tweets requesting...

Todd (VO): [mocking] Todd, why don't you do another Top 10 list? Hey, you should do another Top 10 list. Do another Top 10 list.

Todd: Fine! [Reaches down, picks up his pile of lists, and leafs through] You know these things are, like, a ton of work, right? I have to do, like, tons of research and editing and...you don't wanna hear it. [Finds a suitable list and puts the rest down] Anyway.

Todd plays "It Ain't Over 'til It's Over" by Lenny Kravitz[1] on his piano.

THE WORST HIT SONGS OF 1991
A year-end review

Todd: Y'all ready for this.

Brief clip of 2 Unlimited - "Get Ready for This"[2]

Well, I'm not!

Video for C+C Music Factory - "Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)"[3]
Martha Wash: Everybody dance now!

Todd (VO): 1991 is a strange, strange year for the pop charts. Not necessarily a bad year, but more like an...

Todd: ...aborted experiment.

Montage of clips of Mariah Carey - "Emotions"[4]; Janet Jackson - "Love Will Never Do (Without You)"[5]; LL Cool J - "Around the Way Girl"[6]; Color Me Badd - "I Wanna Sex You Up"[7]; Extreme - "More Than Words"[8]; R.E.M. - "Losing My Religion"[9]; Prince and the New Power Generation - "Cream"[10] Seal - "Crazy"[11]; DJ Jazzy Jeff & the Fresh Prince - "Summertime"[12]; Divinyls - "I Touch Myself"[13]; Chris Isaak - "Wicked Game"[14]; EMF - "Unbelievable"[15]; Poison - "Something to Believe In"[16]; Wilson Phillips - "Impulsive"[17]; Deee-Lite - "Groove Is in the Heart"[18]; Paula Abdul - "Rush Rush"[19]; Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch featuring Loleatta Holloway - "Good Vibrations"[20]; and Nelson - "After the Rain"[21]; audio is Jesus Jones - "Right Here, Right Now"[22]

Todd (VO): Historians call the 20th century the "short century" because every important trend in it seemed to end abruptly with the end of the Cold War in this particular year, 1991. And that's the way this pop chart feels—it's a premature ending instead of a beginning. Except for a few future heavyweights like Boyz II Men and R.E.M., the pop charts of 1991 are littered by artists with no future, be they novelties from short-lived genres, the remaining dregs of hair metal, the soon-to-be eradicated plague of adult contemporary, and a surprisingly large number of no-name Paula Abdul wannabes. 90% of this 1991 list will be has-beens by '92.

Todd: And so, let us examine this year in music that time forgot. We're counting down...

Clip of C+C Music Factory - "Here We Go"[23], which serves as the interlude throughout the countdown.
C+C: Here we go
Here we go

Todd: The Top Ten Worst Hit Songs of 1991!

#10 Edit

Todd (VO: #10.

Clip of Bell Biv DeVoe - "Poison"
Ricky: [as Todd gets down] Girl, I must warn you
Never trust a big butt and smile
That girl is poison

Todd (VO): While pretty much every trend of the early '90s now seems horribly dated, the hip-hop-influenced R&B genre called new jack swing now seems...

Todd: ...wonderfully dated.

Clip of Boyz II Men - "Motownphilly"[24]
Boyz: Motownphilly's back again

Todd (VO): This is retro in the best way, and I don't know why it hasn't made a comeback yet, but I'm sure it will. The tunes are slammin', the bass is jammin', not too hot, not too cold. Really, who doesn't like this stuff?

Todd: [as the song begins] So, let me say that I really, really struggled with putting a song with one of those classic early '90s grooves under it. I don't want something like that to be on this list, but there was this one song that...that I just couldn't get past for...for some reason, and...well, see if you can see the problem.

Video for...
RoRo: Iesha, Iesha
So glad to meet ya
See you in the schoolyard
Strolling with your teacher
The little skirt you played

Todd: Why am I watching a group of dancing fetuses?

#10. Another Bad Creation - "Iesha"[25]

Red: At the playground, you know
That's where I saw this cutie
This girl was swingin'
And she looked so fly

Todd (VO): In 1990, Michael Bivins from New Edition put his clout behind a new singing group that he discovered in [picture of...] a maternity ward somewhere. [Promo pic of Another Bad Creation] He named them Another Bad Creation, which is truth in advertising, if I ever heard it.

ABC: Iesha
You are the girl that I neva had

Todd (VO): They were clearly trying to make people think they were the new Jackson 5, especially as they picked a name with the initials [single cover of the Jackson 5's...] "ABC." But even if they genuinely had discovered a Michael Jackson level of talent...

Todd: ...which they didn't...

Red: She couldn't stay out that late
Her mother told her
To be home by nine

Todd: Auto-Tune can't come quickly enough. But even if they were child prodigies so amazing that they made [brief clips of a young...] Michael Jackson look like David After Dentist, the Jackson 5 made sunny, bubblegum pop, not this style of music.

Brief clip of Bell Biv DeVoe - "Do Me!"

Todd (VO): Which does not really lend itself to being performed by preschoolers.

RoRo: So I passed her a lollipop and a letter

Todd (VO): I know Michael Jackson was a little kid and you knew he was a little kid, but he didn't call attention to it, and neither did most others. New Edition didn't, the Osmonds didn't, but Bebe's Kids here want you to know their age.

ABC: Yo, Red, where'd you meet her?
Red: At the playground, you know
ABC: We ate cereal
Red: On the monkey bars

Todd: Kid, you're not interested in girls. I know you're not interested in girls. You haven't even finished teething.

Todd (VO): I wanna say here, I'm not opposed to pop songs by little kids on principle. I still think [clip of "Jump" by...] Kris Kross are the miggida miggida mac daddies. And for the record, people forget that this very song is a diss track to Another Bad Creation.

Mac: Don't try to compare us to Another Bad little fad

Todd: Exactly.

Todd (VO): Another Bad Creation were wiggida wiggida wack. They were a stupid little fad, not like Kris Kross.

Todd: They're gonna be around forever!

Todd (VO): And like I said, otherwise, the tune is good, but it's also a ripoff of [single cover of...] "Poison." I don't need a Rugrats re-write of "Poison."

Todd: Nowadays, we just cut out the middleman and have the kids [album cover of Kidz Bop 21] cover the songs directly. And really, aren't we all better off for it?

ABC: Peace

Interlude

#9 Edit

Todd (VO): #9.

Video for...

Todd: Oh, boy. You again.

#9. Gerardo - "Rico Suave"[26]

Gerardo: Rico...Suave

Todd (VO): Gerardo did for Latinos what [picture from Sixteen Candles of...] Long Duk Dong did for Asians. Matter of fact, I would argue that [picture of...] Speedy Gonzales was a hotter sex symbol than Gerardo.

Todd: No, seriously, Speedy was a pimp. [Brief clip of Speedy rowing a boat with beautiful female mouse] I actually saw him gettin' laid, and he didn't have to brag about anything. This guy?

Gerardo: Would you rather have me lie
Take a piece of your pie and say bye
Or be honest and rub your thighs?

Todd (VO): Gerardo claims that ladies love him, but the only moves he seems to know are rubbing your thighs and puking.

Gerardo: If I try that I'll be puking

Todd: Smooth as butter...if that butter had gravel and broken glass mixed into it.

Gerardo: I never said I was a prompt date

Todd (VO): Yeah, Gerardo should've picked up moves from Speedy. The only thing he seemed to learn from him was how to speak in the exact same tone of voice.

Gerardo: There's not a woman that can handle a man like me
That's why I juggle two or three

Todd (VO): Yeah, it's hard to sell that you're a sexy lover-man when your voice is...

Todd: ...comparable to a cartoon mouse.

Todd (VO): I already did a full episode on this weasel-faced idiot. You can go watch that if you want a full review, but there is one thing that I missed that I want to bring up.

Todd: He's not actually Latino.

Todd (VO): His name is [picture of some guy] Gregory Michaels, and he was born and raised in Erie, Pennsylvania. I mean, you think that any real Latino would be caught representing his people by dressing and acting like that? [laughs] Right. Next you'll tell me that you think the Indian chief [picture of...] from the Village People was a real Indian.

Todd: Quit being so naive.

Gerardo: Suave

Interlude

#8 Edit

Todd (VO): #8.

Todd: Oh...I'm about to do a bad thing. Bad, bad thing.

Clip of Whitney Houston - "The Greatest Love of All"
Whitney: I believe the children are our future
Teach them well and let them...

Todd (VO): It's, um...generally considered bad taste to speak ill of the dead, especially someone whose life story is basically just very sad and tragic and is still being mourned by so very many people. Feels a little like sacrilege to suggest that, even during her peak years, Whitney Houston was squandering her talents on terrible, middle-of-the-road schlock.

Todd: Even though that was the prevailing wisdom for years.

Clip of live performance

Todd (VO): Look, she did make a lot of good music. A lot of fun dance pop, a lot of very powerful love songs, she was quite talented.

Todd: But she had limits.

#8. Whitney Houston - "I'm Your Baby Tonight"[27]

Todd (VO): This was a huge hit at the time; I don't know if it's still considered in the higher echelon of Whitney's songs. I don't think so, but that might be because I hate it so much.

Whitney: Whatever you want from me
I'm giving you everything
I'm your baby tonight

Todd (VO): This isn't a laughably stupid song like "Rico Suave," so you're gonna have to wait 'til I try and articulate why I don't like it so much. Look, from what I can understand, "I'm Your Baby Tonight" was Whitney trying to regain some R&B cred after becoming mostly known for soft ballads.

Todd: And...it does not work.

Whitney: Hold on and enjoy the ride

Todd (VO): It does not work at all. Whitney Houston was Whitney Houston, [brief clip of "Nasty" by...] not Janet Jackson.

Todd: When you think Whitney Houston, you think sheer, raw power.

Footage of a Howitzer being fired and a nuclear blast, backed by...
Whitney: And I....

Todd: But this?

Whitney: Whatever, whatever

Todd (VO): It's a waste of Whitney. Whitney was so good at ballads because they gave her space to breathe. This...doesn't. It's just that farting synthesizer blaring over everything. And Whitney Houston just was not loose enough to do something with this. Michael Jackson could rise above it, and Aretha or Tina, they had that edge to their voices, that they could make themselves known. Whitney? Whitney is still just perfect little Whitney. I buy this as much as Celine Dion trying to cover "Anaconda." She's just too nice and too clean and too innocent to pull it off. No one buys sexy, bad girl Whitney.

Todd: Yes, I know all of these criticisms sound hilarious in hindsight.

Todd (VO): 'Cause we all know what happened to her. Eventually, she did get her bad girl cred in [tabloid article: Inside Whitney's Drug Den!] the worst way possible. Look, apparently, behind the scenes, she may have been Amy Winehouse, but on record, she was Debby Boone. This was terrible at the time, it's terrible now.

Todd: Ugh, such a waste, I can't even talk about this anymore.

Video ends

Interlude

#7 Edit

Todd (VO): #7.

Clip of UB40 - "Red Red Wine"
Ali Campbell: Red, red wine

Todd: I don't know if this is controversial or what, but I think UB40 are just an atrocity of a band.

Clip of "Can't Help Falling in Love"

Todd (VO): What Michael Bolton did for R&B, UB40 did for reggae. What Michael Bolton did for R&B, UB40 also did for R&B because UB40 just loved ruining classic oldies. And for the worst example...

Todd: ...I give you this.

#7. UB40 - "The Way You Do the Things You Do"[28]

Ali: You got a smile so bright
You know you could have been a candle

Todd (VO): If it were up to me, it wouldn't be [picture of...] Vanilla Ice who was the standard-bearer for white people ruining black music, it would be these guys. Yeah, they had quite a few black members, you get my point. I think this may be my least favorite UB40 song ever, but I don't think it's especially noteworthy in their catalog. It sucks in exactly the same way as all other UB40 songs suck. I mean, the only major difference is how vast the gulf is...

Todd: ...between the original version and this one.

Clip of the Temptations performing the original
Temptations: You got a smile so bright
You know you could've been a candle
[Todd snaps along]
I'm holding you so...
The way you do the things you do
Ali: As pretty as you are
You know you could've been a flower
[Todd can't snap to it]
If good looks were minutes
Ali: The way you do the things you do
All right

Todd: All right?

Todd (VO): I mean, you hear the difference, right? Isn't reggae supposed to be soulful? Loose? I mean, they've got a full band there, I can see them. How do they sound so much like a hotel lounge singer performing with a drum machine. [Pictures of...] MAGIC! is better than this, Snow made better reggae than this.

Todd: Elton John made better reggae than this.

Clip of Elton John performance with "Jamaica Jerk-Off" dubbed over
Elton John: We're all happy in Jamaica
Do Jamaica Jerk-off that way

Todd: Ugh.

Todd (VO): More than anything, I think the blame for their eternal suckiness is lead singer Ali Campbell, who has all the stage presence of wet phlegm.

Ali: And baby you're so smart

Todd (VO): Every single song, the dude sounded like he was dying. And yet, he seemed to believe that songs made by some of the greatest vocalists in history—Al Green, Dusty Springfield, Elvis Presley—would sound better if it was served by his dead, dead whine.

Todd: Look, bottom line: most reggae is stuff you can get stoned to. UB40 is stuff to fall asleep on a pool chair after eating too much lunch to. Next.

Video ends

Interlude

#6 Edit

Todd (VO): #6.

Todd: Look, making these Top 10 lists is hard, hard work. So I hope you'll forgive me if I take the lazy route and punch on an easy target for a little bit.

Video for...
Voice: Yo Vanilla, kick it one time, boy...

Todd: You knew it was coming. Play that not even remotely funky music, white boy...

#6. Vanilla Ice - "Play That Funky Music"[29]

Backup: Play that funky music, Vanilla Ice
Play that funky music
Get on up, get on up
Play that funky music right
Vanilla Ice: Pump it up!

Todd (VO): Vanilla Ice has spent two and a half decades as a walking punchline, so you kind of forget how genuinely famous and successful Vanilla Ice was in his prime. He wasn't a novelty, he was one of the biggest names in music. And this is amazing, because even after you peel off the years of jokes and stupid hair and "Ninja Rap"s, he was still incredibly bad. Just like the worst thing ever in the history of mankind. Vanilla Ice...

Todd: ...is worse than the Nazis! [beat] Oh, okay, that's probably over the line. I'm sorry. I shouldn't go comparing the guy to Nazis.

Vanilla Ice: Now you're amazed by the VIP posse
Steppin' so hard like a German Nazi

Todd knows he spoke too soon

Clip of "Ice Ice Baby"

Todd (VO): Seriously, if you go back and listen to his biggest hit, "Ice Ice Baby," you will be shocked at how bad the Iceman's rhymes were.

Vanilla Ice: 'Cause my style's like a chemical spill

Todd: Indeed it was. His style was a toxic disaster.

Todd (VO): "Play That Funky Music"'s rhymes are not as stupid, but "Ice Ice Baby" is still probably the better song because it at least still has that bass line. His followup also samples a song with a great bass line, but somehow he decided it should be barely audible. All the better to keep his focus on his sneering, nasally voice.

Vanilla Ice: Check it out, 'cause Ice is rhymin'

Todd: Yeah, like a preschooler. Not rapping, just rhyming.

Vanilla Ice: "Go, Ice," everybody is sayin'
To the funky beat that's playin'

Todd (VO): I realize it was the early '90s and rap was a little less complex than it is now, but even so, Vanilla Ice's flow was pathetically awful.

Vanilla Ice: Yo, take it from the Iceman
Lyrical poet with a master plan
Tellin' ya how it is in showbiz
A white rapper with some street knowledge

Todd: Amazing, not even remotely on the beat. I've heard smoother rhymes from '80s cartoon characters.

Clip from Transformers: The Movie
Wheelie: Friend find, look behind
You go wrong way, you fool I say
Clip of Wild Cherry performance

Todd (VO): And it's tragic, because the original "Play That Funky Music" is indeed one of my favorite songs.

Vanilla Ice: So come on, everybody and sing this song
Say - Play that funky music
Backup: Play that funky music
Vanilla Ice: Say "go white boy, go white boy go!"
Backup: Go, white boy! Go, white boy! Go!

Todd (VO): I guess that's a lesson. Even when white people don't ruin black music...

Todd: ...white people will still ruin it.

Vanilla Ice: That's right, baby

Interlude

#5 Edit

Todd (VO): #5

#5. Timmy T - "One More Try"[30]

Timmy T: One more try, I didn't know how much I loved you.
One more try, let me put my arms around you.

Todd: [in a state of disbelief] W...what is this?

Timmy: It's been a long time since you left me.

Todd: I...um...I-I-I tend to think I'm a pretty knowledgeable guy about music, but I have literally no idea what I'm looking at here. I don't know the singer, I don't know the song. I've never heard this, or anything remotely... like it, like...Anybody? Anyone have any idea what the hell this is?

Timmy: It's been a long time since I've kissed you.

Todd (VO): Even AllMusic.com, the most comprehensive resource on popular music in existence, [Shot of Timmy T's very small AllMusic profile] gives me close to nothing, except that...

Todd: ...this was apparently a #1 hit!

Todd (VO): This was a #1 hit? That can't be right. This can't have been big enough to hit #1. I've never heard of it! How has history so thoroughly erased this?

Timmy: Living all these lonely nights without you.

Todd (VO): Uh, I'm a little stymied, I've got nothing. This is just shitty in a...pretty non-specific way. I-I think I'm just gonna move on here. Next!

Timmy: Can we give it one more try?

Interlude

#4 Edit

Todd (VO): #4.

#4. Stevie B - "Because I Love You (The Postman Song)"[31]

Stevie B: Because I love you and I'll do anything

Todd: [still in disbelief] Wha...?

Stevie: I got your letter
From the postman just the other day

Todd (VO): Is this not the same song as the last one? Like...ju...just with the drums removed? This is...I've never heard of this guy or this song either! And again, AllMusic almost tells me nothing except that this was also a #1 hit!

Todd: How?!

Stevie: Girl, won't you please come on in

Todd (VO): Like, I...I could buy one...

Todd: ...but how are there two...

Brief clip of "One More Try"

Todd (VO): ...completely different #1 songs that I've never heard of, from artists I've never heard of, with similar voices and similar names?! [Respective album covers of Time After Time and Best of by...] Timmy T? Stevie B?

Todd: They have names like the fake people who give testimonials in [Faces of ACE ad] diet pill ads.

Todd (VO): I...I guess these guys must be real people, but why were they popular? These were both garbage.

Todd: I think people might have bought...

Another clip of "One More Try"

Todd (VO): ...this guy's single because they confused the [single covers of Timmy T's...] ballad named "One More Try" with a much [...and George Michael's...] better ballad named "One More Try" from a much better singer.

And...the other one is called [single cover] "Because I Love You (The Postman Song)." I...I don't even know why it's called that. He only mentions the postman once right in the beginning, and that's it. I think he was trying to trick people into thinking this song might be interesting.

Todd: "The Postman Song"? Like, ooh, is it like [single cover of the Marvelettes'...] "Please Mr. Postman," like he's begging his postman to bring his girlfriend's letters? Or is he [picture of....] a postman in love? [Picture of "I ♥ My Mailman" t-shirt] Is he in love with his postman? [Shot of mailmen firing guns from Naked Gun 33 1/3] Is he sad because his girl got shot by a disgruntled postman? Nope, nothing.

Todd (VO): AllMusic tells me they were both guys in the Latin freestyle genre.

Todd: Which, as I recall, sounds more like this. [Brief clip of Shannon - "Let the Music Play"] So...I don't know what these two doofs have to with that. Also, they both can't sing.

Stevie: And I'll do anything

Todd (VO): Notice how they have the reverb effect all the way up? Yeah, that's the same trick karaoke machines use to try and help even the most inept twerp sound like they can sing. [Respective clips] Trying to tell the two apart, I guess Timmy B's has the better music, but Stevie T is the better singer.

Todd: No, no, hold on, it's Timmy T and Stevie B. [Shrugs it off] Look, there's not any real difference between...

Todd (VO): ...the two. It's basically a tie, they're both equally shitty.

Video ends

Interlude

#3 Edit

Todd (VO): #3.

Todd: I used to watch a lot of VH1 back when VH1 was still watchable, and they always liked to show the ooh, Most Shocking Moments in Music, Sexiest Moments in Rock 'n Roll. I was just a kid back then, so I think for a while, I got the impression that grownups were turned on by shitty music.

#3. Madonna - "Justify My Love"[32]

Todd (VO): As I think I've made clear in the film retrospective of her undoing, I'm not really a fan of Madonna's non-musical projects.

Todd: And I can't think of any project more non-musical than this one.

Madonna: You justify my love

Todd (VO): To even call "Justify My Love" a song is being generous. It's safer to call it part of an experiment Madonna was conducting at the time, to see if people would literally buy any piece of dog crap that involved her being naked in some way. And the public responded with a resounding "yes," as "Justify My Love" went #1, despite basically not being a finished product in any way.

Madonna: Kiss me, that's right

Todd (VO): This was actually written by [picture of...] Lenny Kravitz for what has to be the easiest million dollars anybody has ever made. It's two notes and a string of random, non-rhyming sentences.

Todd: I'm sorry, a string of [in sultry voice] deep, erotic fantasies.

Madonna: I want to run naked in a rainstorm
Make love in a train cross-country

Todd: I want to stick my toes in your mouth. I want to eat chili off your naked body.

Todd (VO): On VH1, all they ever talked about was the video, never about the song, and for pretty obvious reasons. Basically, it doesn't exist. The lyrics aren't even that sexy.

Madonna: Poor is the man
Whose pleasures depend
On the permission of another

Todd: Um, permission is pretty important, in my opinion. Forget justifying my love, justify that sentence.

Madonna: Poor is the man

Todd (VO): Well, I must be the richest man on Earth because all of my pleasures don't even involve another person...

Todd: ...and haven't for years. [Gives a thumbs up]

Todd (VO): Because we're all suckers, Madonna's experiment worked like a charm, racking up yet another #1 hit for what's basically the soundtrack to a bad porno. This trick would only work for a little while longer, though, as the public started to experience shock fatigue. Eventually, the world runs out of monocles to pop. In my opinion, "Justify My Love"...

Todd: ...doesn't justify its existence. Next!

Interlude

#2 Edit

Todd (VO): #2.

Todd: You want to know how much of a stranglehold adult contemporary music had on the charts back then? [Brief clips of "The Motown Song"[33] and "Time, Love and Tenderness"[34] by, respectively...] You know, the Rod Stewarts, the Michael Boltons. That genre was so big, there was an actual contemporary Christian artist on that list.

Clip of Amy Grant - "Every Heartbeat"[35]
Amy: Every heartbeat bears your name

Todd: A couple, actually.

Clip of Michael W. Smith - "Place in This World"[36]
Michael: I need your light to help me find
My place in this world

Todd (VO): Yes, 1991 was so bland that Christian artists could cross over to the mainstream.

Todd: Look, I know I've said some harsh things about this genre before, but I...I want to make clear, it's mostly for aesthetic reasons, not because I dislike religious music on principle.

Todd (VO): The sound of this music, the sound of this guy's voice makes my skin crawl, but I don't hate it just because it's Christian...or quasi-Christian. Wanting guidance to find your place in this world from God or...from whoever, I don't...I don't think that's a bad idea for a song at all. I think that's quite a nice sentiment. Believe me, if I'm offended by a religious message...

Todd: ...I will tell you.

#2. Bette Midler - "From a Distance"[37]

Bette: From a distance, the world looks blue...

Todd (VO): Since the dawn of time, there's been one question that philosophers and religious scholars have struggled with.

Todd: Why do bad things happen to good people?

Bette: God is watching us

Todd (VO): Why does God allow such awful, seemingly pointless tragedies like war and famine and death to befall so many? Doesn't God care what happens to us? And Bette Midler's "From a Distance" answers that question pretty definitively.

Todd: No! No, He doesn't.

Bette: From a distance, there is harmony

Todd (VO): I swear, I'm not twisting the message of this song. That's exactly what it's about. If you zoom out, everything looks calm and peaceful.

Bette: And there are no guns
No bombs and no disease

Todd (VO): Yep. So there's your answer. Why does God let all these terrible things happen?

Todd: 'Cause He doesn't know about 'em.

Todd (VO): Turns out, from the Almighty's perspective, everything is peachy keen because He is simply not looking very closely.

Todd: From a distance, your problems don't exist. You don't exist. Isn't that comforting? [shrugs]

Bette: God is watching us from a distance

Todd (VO): I...I've always just been baffled by why people find this song uplifting, why it meant so much to people back then. I've only ever found it horrifying. There's nothing in there about God loving us or caring about us or even knowing about us.

Todd: They may as well name the song "God Is Deeply Uninformed of Your Current Situation."

Todd (VO): Look, if there is a God up there, I refuse to believe He is as either apathetic or bored with us as He seems to be in this song.

Todd: I mean, I hope. [Folds his hands and prays] Are you there, God? It's me, Todd. You listen to me, right? You care about my problems, we have a relationship, right?

A heavenly choir sings

God: Todd, I'll be honest. From up here, you basically matter as much as an amoeba. Sorry.

Todd: But I saw, on the beach, there were two sets of footprints because you were with me, but during my hard times in my life, there was only one set, and that's when you carried me...

God: That wasn't Me. I don't know whose that other set of footprints was. Some guy, I guess. Now go away, I'm busy.

Todd hangs his head

Bette: God is watching us from a distance

Interlude

#1 Edit

Todd (VO): #1.

Clip of Michael Bolton - "Time, Love and Tenderness"
Michael (with backup): Time, love and tenderness

Todd (VO): You know, I've already slammed Michael Bolton several times in this review, but with the full-on charm offensive he's waged in recent years, maybe it's time to re-evaluate the guy.

Clip of "Love Is a Wonderful Thing"[38]
Michael: Love is a wonderful thing

Todd (VO): There was a time when calling Michael Bolton a no-talent ass-clown was the least controversial statement in history, but why? Probably because unlike other soft-rock gods like Sting or Phil Collins, he never had a good period. He doesn't have any undeniable quality tracks that everyone loves that would count in his favor.

Clip of "When a Man Loves a Woman"[39]

But because he shows up several times on the Hot 100 this year, I've had the chance to re-look at him, and...was he really that bad? Well, he certainly wasn't great, but now that I've had the chance to listen to the many songs he notched on this list...

Todd: ...my answer is...no. Fight the real enemy.

#1. Bryan Adams - "Everything I Do (I Do It for You)"[40]

Bryan: Look into my eyes

Todd (VO): I feel like we've all collectively decided to give Bryan Adams a pass because he made "Summer of 69," and that was a good song that everyone likes, right? So we all decided to just move on and forget everything else he ever wrote. But...pretty much everything he wrote after that song was terrible! And then there's this turd—the biggest song of Bryan Adams' career, the biggest song of 1991, and one of the most wretched, unbearable turds that I can remember!

Bryan: You know it's true
Everything I do
I do it for you

Todd (VO): I can't even put my finger on why. Is it his watered-down Springsteen voice, the sappy music production? Honestly, I think more than anything, it's the intolerable blandness of the lyrics. Everything I do, I do it for you. Everything? Eat lunch? Go bowling? Watch reruns of M*A*S*H? It's a meaningless statement. And silly love songs don't need great lyrics, but even lowering my standards, this is too vapid for words.

Todd: He may as well have named this song "I Super-Duper Love You More Than Infinity." It's not true, and if it was, it wouldn't be healthy.

Todd (VO): Because I have two functioning ears, I've done my best to avoid Bryan Adams' music, so I don't actually know that much about the guy. So again...

Todd: [picks up laptop] ...let me see what they say on the AllMusicGuide. Finest resource a music lover has ever had. And um...

Shot of AllMusic search results page: No search results were found for bryan adams

What the...what? Why is there no Bryan Adams entry? How could the...AllMusic has everything. It has information on [album cover of Bobbi Humphrey - Passion Flute] obscure '70s smooth jazz flute players. [More searching...] What the...how...

AllMusic tweet: "Due to the request of Mr. Adams, we no longer display his information on AllMusic."

Are you shitting me?

Todd (VO): He threatened to sue AllMusic.com unless every bit of information about him was erased. They're a reference publication. [World News article: Guys named John sue Webster's over definition of "toilet"] That's like suing the dictionary. They didn't have to just delete negative reviews, they can't even list basic information like his name or his albums.

Bryan: There's no love like your love

Todd (VO): Rock stars have been assholes since the dawn of time, but I have never heard of an artist using their power to bully critics into erasing reviews! This offends me on a level I didn't even realize I was capable of!

Todd: Fuck you, Bryan Adams, you censoring dick! Fuck you and fuck all of Canada too!

Clip from South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut
Canadian: Now, now, the Canadian government has apologized for Bryan Adams on several occasions.

Todd: Not good enough! And Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves is a terrible movie! I'm Todd In The Shadows, and I'm done!

Gets up and leaves
Bryan: Do it for you

Closing tag song: Chesney Hawkes - "The One and Only"[41]

THE END
You down with O.P.P?[42]
This video is owned by me

THANK YOU TO THE LOYAL PATRONS!

FootnotesEdit

  1. #36 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  2. Not on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; peaked at #38 during the year.
  3. #3 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  4. #22 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  5. #19 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  6. #64 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  7. #2 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  8. #7 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  9. #33 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  10. #66 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  11. #75 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  12. #38 Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  13. #52 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  14. #79 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  15. #6 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  16. #78 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  17. #48 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  18. #91 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  19. #4 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  20. #20 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  21. #56 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  22. #17 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  23. #35 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  24. #11 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  25. #54 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  26. #89 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  27. #42 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  28. #71 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  29. #57 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  30. #5 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  31. #12 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  32. #21 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  33. #99 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  34. #62 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  35. #28 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  36. #77 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  37. #15 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  38. #49 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  39. #54 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 of 1992
  40. #1 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  41. #93 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  42. #94 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100

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