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Top Ten Worst Hit Songs of 2012

Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2012 by krin

Date Aired
January 12th, 2013
Running Time
27:19
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IntroductionEdit

Todd plays Demi Lovato's "Give Your Heart A Break"[1] on his piano

THE TOP TEN WORST HIT SONGS OF 2012
A year-end review

Todd: The dawn of a new year is a cleansing.

Montage of clips of Maroon 5 - "Payphone"[2]; Rihanna - "Diamonds"[3]; Neon Trees - "Everybody Talks"[4]; fun.- "We Are Young"[5]; Bruno Mars - "It Will Rain"[6]; David Guetta ft. Nikki Minaj - "Turn Me On"[7]; Justin Bieber f.t Big Sean - "As Long As You Love Me"[8]; Katy Perry - "Wide Awake"[9]; and PSY - "Gangnam Style"[10]

Todd (VO): And it is time, once again, to hose off the bird crap that is last year's bad pop music from the windshield of life. Let us consign this year's bad music into the dustbin of history. Let us incinerate it like so many photos of our ex-girlfriends. Let us toss it into the garbage like so much Thanksgiving leftover ham we forgot in the back of the fridge. We are deleting all of it off of the collective hard drive so that we may have some space on it for next year's terrible, terrible pop music.

Todd: Also, as always, I choose to restrict this list to the hits because they're the ones that actually matter, which is why I use [screen shot of...] the Billboard Year-End 100 to narrow down my choices. But this year, I'm also expanding it to any single that placed in the Top 20 in 2012. So that way, I avoid stupid crap like [clip of Cee Lo Green - "Fuck You"] when I had to put Cee Lo on the 2011 list, even though his song came out in 2010.

Got all that? Good, 'cause we're not waiting any longer. We're counting down...

Video for Pink - "Blow Me (One Last Kiss)"[11], which serves as the interlude throughout the countdown
Pink: I think I've finally had enough

Todd (VO): The Top Ten Worst Hit Songs of 2012!

Pink: Blow me one last kiss
You think I'm just too serious
I think you're full of shit

#10Edit

Todd (VO): #10.

Beginning of the Behind the Music episode covering Train
Jim Forbes: They're the quintessential American band.

Todd: [beat] Excuse me. What?

Jim Forbes: They're the quintessential American band.

Todd: Holy crap, VH1, I don't think I've ever even heard al-Qaeda say anything that anti-American.

Clip "Drive By"

Todd (VO): I guess if you're trying to say that the United States is sinking into a quagmire of recession and misery, then yeah, Train would be the the quintessential American band in that sense. And since the abomination "Drive By" proved that Train had staying power into the 2010s, I guess I couldn't be surprised that their next single sounded exactly like it. But most times when bands rip themselves off,...

Todd: ...it's usually not on the same album.

#10. Train - "50 Ways to Say Goodbye"[12]

Pat Monahan: She went down in an airplane
Fried getting suntanned
Fell in a cement mixer full of quicksand

Todd: [disbelief leading to crying] It's the same song. It's the same damn song.

Todd (VO): Well, that's not quite true. "50 Ways to Say Goodbye" is distinguished from "Drive By" by a couple things. First off, they added some mariachi horns, which is at least a musical idea, and not a bad one at that. Fortunately, they made up for it with possibly their single stupidest set of lyrics yet.

Pat: She dried up in the desert
Drowned in a hot tub

Todd (VO): This song's obviously inspired by Paul Simon's 1975 megahit "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover," which was silly in its own way, but [clip of same] it's worth noting that Simon used that kiddie rhyming game as an ironic and callous counterpoint to a very dark song.

Paul Simon: You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free

Todd (VO): Train, meanwhile, uses a silly conceit to come up with stupid ways to say his girlfriend is dead so he doesn't have to admit that he got dumped, which is neither funny nor compelling, nor, in Train's hands, even particularly mean or sad.

Pat: How could you leave on Yom Kippur?

Todd: They're not even Jewish.

Todd (VO): I legitimately don't know what attracts Pat Monahan to music, and I doubt if even he knows why he wrote this.

Pat: She was caught in a mudslide
Eaten by a lion
Got run over by a crappy purple Scion

Todd: If you can't find a good rhyme for a word, just use a different word, for Christ's sake.

Pat: Fell in a cement mixer full of quicksand

Todd: Yeah, that's a...that's a pretty stupid lie, considering that people don't really put quicksand in cement mixers, not...not that it was a funny joke to begin with.

Pat: I'm all out of lies
And ways to say you died

Todd (VO): Look, Pat Monahan is a madman. His brain just doesn't work the same way as most people. He's a defective product. And there may be 50 ways to say goodbye,...

Todd: ...but they performed it at only one way—sucking.

Video ends

Interlude

#9Edit

Todd (VO): #9.

Todd: I try not to let overplay affect my year-end rankings, but oh God, was I sick of this.

#9. Rihanna - "Where Have You Been"[13]

Rihanna: I've been everywhere, man
Looking for someone
Someone who can please me
Love me all night long

Todd: I don't quite mean I'm sick of this song, I'm sick of everything it represents.

Todd (VO): I'm sick of the not at all titillating references to sex, I'm sick of the tired club stutter beats, but most of all, I'm sick of Rihanna.

Todd: Here's a statistic for you: in the eight years of her career, Rihanna has released [covers of Music of the Sun, A Girl Like Me, the deluxe edition of Good Girl Gone Bad, Good Girl Gone Bad: The Remixes, Good Girl Gone Bad: Reloaded and Rated R] seven and a half albums. That's insane.

Todd (VO): Even the greatest artists of all time would have trouble making decent albums with a release schedule that tight, and it's quickly becoming clear that Rihanna is not an all-time great artist. Rihanna needs to take a break, but her manager is so fearful of Rihanna being forgotten that she's actually not allowed to.

Todd: If Rihanna said she was checking into rehab for "exhaustion," I would actually believe she was telling the truth.

Rihanna: Where have you been all my life

Todd (VO): As for "Where Have You Been," I don't think I would say this is the worst song she's ever released, but it's certainly the most tired, the most uninspired, the one that least rewards repeated listens. Basically, the only interesting thing about it is that it starts with a quote from an old country song.

Rihanna: I've been everywhere, man
Looking for someone

Todd (VO): But all that does is remind you that you should probably leave the club and go home and listen to some Johnny Cash.

Picture of Johnny Cash set to "I've Been Everywhere"
Johnny: I've been everywhere, man
I've been everywhere, man

Todd: Seriously, why wouldn't I just listen to that?

Todd (VO): No one could've seriously thought that a well-crafted chorus about love and gratitude and hot sex should just go, "where have you been all my li-i-i-i-i-ife" over and over again.

Rihanna: Where have you been all my li-i-i-i-i-ife
Where have you been...

Todd (VO): Well, I know where you've been, Rihanna, because you won't go away!

Todd: How can I miss you if you won't leave?!

Rihanna: Looking for you, babe
Searching for you, babe

Interlude

#8Edit

Todd (VO): #8.

Todd: #8? Are you sure this isn't number twoooo?!

#8. Pitbull - "Back in Time"[14]

Mickey & Sylvia: Baby, ohhh baby

Todd (VO): Yes, let us have a short remembrance of Pitbull's already forgotten theme song for the already forgotten Men in Black III, wiped from collective consciousness by the [image of Agent J holding a...] neuralyzer of mediocrity. This song certainly was a big steaming pile of...

Pitbull: Number two!!!

Todd (VO): What with its mismatched sample, off-topic lyrics, tired self-aggrandizing, and baffling out-of-place Dubstep breakdown. But despite all that, I think I'm done ever being angry at Pitbull. He's...he's just kind of adorable to me now. I...I honestly almost kind of admire how bad this song is. I realize I'm condescending to a multi-millionaire here, but I'm just like...

Todd: ...aw, this is precious.

Mickey & Sylvia: Baby...

Todd (VO): It's just, like, wow, how did this even happen? Seriously, how? I can only conclude [picture of History's Giorgio A. Tsoukalos, with stamped below him...] aliens.

Todd: Yes, my theory is that this song about aliens secretly living among us is, in fact,...

Todd (VO): ...by an alien secretly living among us. Extra-terrestrials abducted Pitbull and replaced him with a replicant or possibly like a [image from...] Meet Dave-style robot piloted by tiny green men. And this was the result of them trying to understand our...

Todd: ...hu-man musical art forms.

Todd (VO): And since I've already talked about the song, let me talk about the movie for a second. God, what a letdown that was. K keeps talking about how he should've killed Boris the bad guy 40 years ago; when you find out why, it's just nothing, nothing at all. Also, it's kind of depressing that Agent J is still acting like the Fresh Prince in his mid-40s, just like it's depressing that Pitbull is still making the same party-party-party baller jams he's been making for years now.

Todd: To understand the future, we have to go back in time. And going back in time just six months, I think I understand why our future will probably have no more Pitbull in it. Dale!

Video ends

Interlude

#7Edit

Todd (VO): #7.

Video for...
Cher Lloyd: Uh!
Mmm, yeah.

Todd: Inexcusable.

#7. Cher Lloyd - "Want U Back"[15]

Cher Lloyd: Boy you can say anything you wanna
I don't give a shh, no one else can have ya
I want you back

Todd (VO): In a year where the UK inflicted both Jessie J and One Direction on the world, Brit brat Cher Lloyd brought us the very worst of the Transatlantic crossover hits, "Want U Back"—a genuinely charmless song from an absolutely reprehensible artist. If anyone ever tells you that the British are more sophisticated than us, don't buy it.

Cher Lloyd: And now you're taking her to every restaurant

Todd: Taking her to every restaurant?

Cher Lloyd: And now you're taking her to every restaurant

Todd (VO): Every single restaurant, huh?

Todd: Gosh, how dare your ex take his new girlfriend on, gasp, dates?! Shut up!

Cher Lloyd: Uh!
Boy you can say anything...

Todd (VO): Cher Lloyd is there to remind you of everything wrong, evil, and sociopathic about teenage girls. If Taylor Swift speaks to adolescence at its most innocent, Cher Lloyd is there to represent it at its stupidest, bitchiest, and ugliest.

Cher Lloyd: Tryin' to rock them ugly jeans jeans jeans
Uh!

Todd (VO): And if I may be bitchy in return...

Todd: Oh, honey, I don't think someone who dresses like a [picture from "Swagger Jagger" of Cher Lloyd dressed like a...] fifty-year-old mob wife from Long Island should be criticizing other people's fashion. Cha!

Cher Lloyd: Uh!

Todd (VO): Perhaps it would be more appropriate to replace every constipated grunt from Cher with the sound of me groaning in pain whenever I hear this song.

Todd: American public, I beg you, please, please, please send this back to its own continent.

Cher Lloyd: Wa-want you, want you back
Uh!

Todd: [British accent] It's the sound of trying too hard. *raspberry*

Interlude

#6Edit

Todd (VO): #6.

Todd: One big trend of 2012 is that teen idols are back in a big way.

Clip of The Wanted - "Glad You Came"[16]
Nathan Sykes: You cast a spell on me, spell on me

Todd (VO): I mean, they'll always be around, but for a while now, they've been confined to their little teen pop ghetto. At least until 2012, when they came back into the mainstream. [Clips of "Boyfriend"[17]...] Justin Bieber can actually claim to have hits this year and we've started importing the British boy bands, but while Bieber's new-found maturity has not translated to anything but mediocrity, and [and "What Makes You Beautiful" by...] One Direction are just an awful, awful, terrible group, they're not the ones I've singled out for this list. No.

Todd: I want to introduce you to a charming young man named Hunter Hayes.

#6. Hunter Hayes - "Wanted"[18]

Hunter Hayes: You know I'd fall apart without you

Todd (VO): Yes, there's a country Justin Bieber.

Todd: Did that sentence just make you involuntarily shudder, because I know I sure did.

Todd (VO): This is actually the highest-ranking country song on the list, unless you count Taylor Swift, which, of course, I don't. Hunter Hayes is the final step in the boy-bandification of country music, yet somehow worse than that implies. His publicists have been hyping him up as a super-talented multi-instrumentalist, which I respect, but talent isn't the same thing as quality.

Hunter: I wanna wrap you up
Wanna kiss your lips
I wanna make you feel wanted

Todd (VO): The fact is that his first big single "Wanted" is absolute garbage, possessing one of the lamest set of "baby, baby, love you, girl" lyrics I've ever heard.

Todd: Including from Bieber, whose biggest hit just went, "baby, baby, baby, oh!"

Hunter: I wanna make you feel wanted

Todd: [drearily] I need you in my life, babe; wanna hold you in my arms, girl; etc., etc., etc.

Hunter: I wanna call you mine
Wanna hold your hand forever

Todd: "Wanna hold your hand"? It...it's not 1963 anymore, guy. There is no man in the world this innocent, girls.

Hunter: I wanna make you feel wanted

Todd (VO): "I want to make you feel wanted" is how drunk guys hit on you. This song is so unbelievably chaste that I can only see it as a complete con. Hunter Hayes just wants to get laid, girls; don't fall for it.

Hunter: And I just wanna wrap you up

Todd: But they're all falling for it, aren't they? Why do I even waste my time.

Hunter: You'll always be wanted

Interlude

#5Edit

Todd (VO): #5.

Todd: I was gonna give this one a full review, but it's likely going to be gone by the time I finish these Top 10 lists, so I might as well just tackle it now.

#5. will.i.am ft. Britney Spears - "Scream and Shout"[19]

will.i.am: I wanna scream and shout, and let it all out
And scream and shout, and let it out

Todd (VO): Yes, folks, the long-awaited team-up of will.i.am and Britney Spears, both artists we could've safely left in the previous decade.

will.i.am: You are now, now rocking with will.i.am and...
Britney: Britney, bitch

Todd: [taken aback] She called me a bitch!

will.i.am: Rock and roll

Todd (VO): Now, will.i.am was always the brains of the Black Eyed Peas, and I have to admit a kind of grudging respect for him as some kind of idiot savant—an artist with a distinct style and a claim to auteur status despite being a complete moron.

Todd: The Michael Bay of music, if you will.

will.i.am and Britney: I wanna scream and shout, and let it all out

Todd (VO): Now he's always struggled for success without the Peas behind him, but here he swaps out Fergie for Britney Spears, which is basically just trading too much personality for not enough. Britney Spears stopped giving a shit about her chosen profession many years ago, and boy, does she sound like it.

Britney: When you hear this in the club
You're gonna turn this shit up

Todd: Actually, no, wait. Is that even Britney Spears at all?

Britney: When we up in the club

Todd: Is she being dubbed by Lady Gaga?

will.i.am: You see them girls in the club
They looking at us

Todd (VO): "Scream and Shout" is like a grand tour of will.i.am's worst traits—his patented jumble of disconnected, vaguely party-ish lyrics in the grand "Boom Boom Pow" tradition, a painful, ugly beat lifted straight from "Dirty Bit," and a pervading sense of utterly vacant nonsense. This is the degradation of pop. When they say they wanna scream and shout, I don't picture a wild party or a primal scream of release, [picture of shouting toddler] I see a two-year-old throwing a tantrum.

Todd: I mean, this song does make me wanna scream and shout, will.i.am, but...probably not for the right reasons.

will.i.am: You are now, now rocking with will.i.am. and...
Britney: Britney, bitch

Interlude

#4Edit

Todd (VO): #4.

Video begins...

Todd: Fittingly enough, a song called "Whistle" totally blows.

#4. Flo Rida - "Whistle"[20]

Flo Rida: Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle baby
Let me know

Todd (VO): I already did a review of this, but I don't think I firmly conveyed what I think about the man they call Flo Rida.

Todd: I want to make a definitive statement about what is surely the definitive artist of our time. So let me remedy that right here, right now. This is, in full, what needs to be said about Flo Rida.

(nothing)

There, I think that sums it up. This man is not worth expending thoughts on. The end.

Video ends

Interlude

#3Edit

Todd (VO): #3.

Video begins...
Adam Levine: Ooo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-ooh

Todd: Okay, Maroon 5, you're officially on the shit list.

#3. Maroon 5 - "One More Night"[21]

Adam: You and I go hard at each other like we're going to war.

Todd (VO): As we continue into Maroon 5: The Sellout Years, I can honestly say I didn't hate "Moves Like Jagger," and I can even forgive "Payphone," whose biggest crime was mostly just being boring. But then the inexplicably popular "One More Night" happened, and all I can say is Maroon 5 needs to officially go away.

Adam: So I cross my heart and I hope to die
That I'll only stay with you one more night

Todd: Okay, see, the British have a useful term, [image of fish with dreadlocks] "cod reggae." Basically, it just describes lame, stiff, usually [picturing of blond guy with dreadlocks and acoustic guitar] white people co-opting Caribbean rhythms for their music. I assume it's called cod reggae because it [image of...] stinks like dead fish. And "One More Night" would be a prime example of such.

Todd (VO): It's also a good illustration of why Adam Levine is so easy to hate as a performer. [Clip of "This Love"] All his "woe is me" bad relationship songs always sound like a backdoor way to brag about all the hot sex he's having.

Todd: And "One More Night" brings that subtext right into the text.

Adam: I'll be waking up in the morning, probably hating myself.
And I'll be waking up, feeling satisfied but guilty as hell.

Todd: [sarcastic] Oh, we're so bad for each other, but we just lay in bed and bone each other all day. Oh, it's so awful, woe is me. Eat me, Levine.

Adam: Yeah, but baby there you go again, there you go again, making me love you-oo.

Todd (VO): This is the douchebaggiest song of the year, and every time I hear it, I wanna swing a golf club into Levine's nuts, which, by the way, is exactly what it sounds like when he's singing.

Adam: Ooo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-ooh

Todd (VO): I've never liked Levine's voice, but he has never been as unlistenable as he is here, honking out these bizarre, discordant yelps like a strangled parrot. This is Levine at his very, very most punchable. And the rest of Maroon 5 should be ashamed for every note they played on this, by which I mean they shouldn't...

Todd: ...be ashamed at all because I seriously doubt they [image of band with only Adam Levine not colored over in red marker] played a single note on this soulless piece of dreck.

Adam: And I know I said it a million times

Todd (VO): What exactly is the point of this song? Is it supposed to be angry? Sad? Romantic? Hot? What?

Todd: All it is is obnoxious. This kept "Gangnam Style" off the #1 spot. I hope you're happy, America.

Adam: I don't know, whatever.

Interlude

#2Edit

Todd (VO): #2.

Todd: [still, after all this time...] "Hefty bag"?!

#2. Train - "Drive By"[22]

Pat: Oh I swear to you
I'll be there for you
This is not a drive by

Todd (VO): Pat Monahan hates music, romance, the English language, and you.

Todd: Most of all, what I detect from Train's music is smug detachment, as in, "I can put out any kind of malformed crap I want in these lyrics. If you don't buy it, screw you."

Pat: Oh but that one night

Todd (VO): And...why Train? There are so many bands from the 90s, and how many are making hits still? Is it...you know, is it Smashing Pumpkins? Is it Pearl Jam? Is it, you know...I don't know...

Todd: ...Spice Girls, Ace of Base. No, it's Train!

Pat: Just a shy guy looking for a two-ply
Hefty bag to hold my -

Todd (VO): I c...I can't pretend that the "Hefty bag" thing doesn't still piss me off. Pat Monahan's brain needs to be dissected in a lab so that we can understand what exactly causes his brand of schizophrenic aphasia, and whether or not it's contagious.

Todd: But despite all that, after repeated listens, I think I've found a lyric actually worse than the Hefty bag line.

Pat: They don't like it sue me
Mm the way you do me

Todd: "Mm the way you do me"?

Pat: Mm the way you do me

Todd: Excuse me, let me go find a two-ply Hefty bag to vomit in.

Todd (VO): "Drive By" is worse than just being badly written, it's gross. It's a garbage song about garbage. And if there were any justice in this world, Pat Monahan would be a victim of a drive-by instead of using one in one of his...

Todd: ...inane, tortured lyrics.

Pat: This is not a drive by-y-y-y-y

Honorable MentionsEdit

Todd: And now, before we get to #1, a couple of honorable mentions in sucking this year.

Drake ft. Lil Wayne & Tyga - "The Motto"[23]

Drake: You only live once ‒ that’s the motto, nigga, YOLO
And we 'bout it every day, every day, every day

Todd (VO): Right, this would be the song that brought us that idiotic catchphrase, "YOLO," which, of course, stands for, "you only live once," [Time article: "Aspiring Rapper Drunk-Tweets “YOLO” Just Before Fatal Car Crash"] which people used as an excuse to do all sorts of stupid shit this year. If this list measured worst effect on culture as a whole, "The Motto" would be #1.

Todd: If "you only live once" is your motto, try to sound more enthused about it.

Drake: Every day, every day, every day

Todd: YOLO, YOLO, YOLO, YOLO, YOLO, YOLO, YOLO, YOLO, next.

Jason Mraz - "I Won't Give Up"[24]

Jason Mraz: I won't give up on us

Todd (VO): Dreadfully boring white-guy acoustic guitar song, but ultimately sincere enough that I granted it mercy and left it off the list. Next.

Alex Clare - "Too Close"[25]

Alex: And it feels like I am just too close to love you

Todd (VO): I have to say I've never really been a fan of dubstep, but I was immediately struck by Alex Clare's intensity and passion when I first heard this song, and it was largely this that helped me understand the potential of dubstep in a pop context.

Todd: And once I understood that, I...I suddenly realized that this song is garbage.

Alex: And it feels like I am just too close to love you

Todd (VO): "Too close to love you" is one of those douchebag "it's not you, it's me" breakup lines. It's patently insincere, and did it really need the WOMP WOMP WOMP WOMP WOMP WOMP and the primal scream of agony?

Todd: I think we should see other people! I'm not really feeling a relationship right now!

Nicki Minaj - "Starships"[26]

Nicki Minaj: Starships were meant to fly

Todd (VO): Oh, right, "Starshits." Biggest waste of talent in pop music. Next.

One Direction - "What Makes You Beautiful"[27]

Liam: You're insecure, don't know what for

Todd: Let me make this clear.

One Direction: You don't know you're beautiful
Oh oh
That's what makes you beautiful

Todd (VO): There's a reason One Direction thinks that you're beautiful 'cause you don't know that you're beautiful. It's because you're hot enough to make a good trophy, yet too insecure to make them feel threatened by it.

Todd: I...is that clear? You're beautiful because you're too stupid or damaged to ever leave him. That's what they're saying here. Got it?

One Direction - "One Thing"[28]

One Direction: I don't, I don't, don't know what it is
But I...

Todd: I would've put this on the list if it had been an actual hit.

One Direction: And you've got that one thing

Todd (VO): You got that one thing, teenage female fan. You've got that one unnamed thing that makes me love you.

Todd: Wherever you are, whoever you are, you know, that one generic thing, generic love interest. Swoon, damn it!

Karmin - "Brokenhearted"[29]

Karmin: So let's get up, let's get on it
Don't you leave me brokenhearted tonight

Todd (VO): The Katy Perry wannabes arrived in full force this year. If there was a more generic, soulless song on the radio, I didn't hear it.

Amy: Cheerio

Jessie J - "Domino"[30]

Jessie J: Ooh ooh-ooh ooh

Todd (VO): Oh, right, there was this too, right? Yeah, the other big Katy Perry wannabe hit of the year. Uh, Jessie J is a better singer than Katy Perry, and I actually kinda liked this one at first before I noticed that none of the lyrics made any sense at all.

Jessie: You're like a shot of pure gold

Todd: Do...do you drink it?

Jessie: We can do this all night
Damn this love is skintight

Todd: Is that a good thing?

Jessie: You strum me like a guitar

Todd: What?

Jessie: Take me down like I'm a domino

Todd: Knock you over into other dominoes? What? Next.

One Direction - "Live While We're Young"[31]

One Direction: Let’s go crazy, crazy, crazy

Todd (VO): I just want to reiterate that One Direction are f[beep]cking awful.

Todd: Just...seriously, just an awful, awful group. Okay, enough jerking around. Back to the important stuff.

Interlude

#1Edit

Todd (VO): #1.

Todd: I consider it a duty to bring you my opinions as honestly as possible. So I search really deep inside myself to find what pisses me off the most and, you know, what is the most detestable, what is the least justifiable, what is the stuff that hits me in the gut as just unworthy of being displayed even once for consumer ears. And if we're talking about that kind of sheer, visceral disgust, it comes back, as it always does, to Chris Brown.

Clip of Chris Brown - "How I Feel"
Chris Brown: It's only me right?

Todd (VO): I thought both I and the world had expended all our Chris Brown outrage after his Grammy controversy nine months ago, but since then, he has generously continued to give [screenshots of articles about Chris Brown wearing terrorist costume for Halloween, his "beaten woman" tattoo, and his deleted Twitter account] the world all new reasons to hate him, and with hilarious regularity at that. [Hollywood CIA video of...] But probably nothing was as controversial as his interactions with Rihanna, the woman he put in the hospital in 2009. Rumors of them rekindling their romantic relationship pervaded the tabloids all year, but more concretely, they publicly resumed their professional relationship by showing up on remixes of each others songs, which, just on its own, sent a very, very questionable message. But despite the endless gossip and moral quandaries that it brought up, I want to make clear that my #1 pick for this list has nothing to do with my dislike of Chris Brown as a person, and it has nothing to do with whether or not I disapprove of Rihanna for continuing to associate with him.

Todd: No, this is my #1 pick because it is just an obscenely terrible piece of music.

#1. Rihanna ft. Chris Brown - "Birthday Cake" (Remix)[32]

Rihanna: Come and put your name on it (put your name on it)
Come and put your name on it (your name)

Todd (VO): This is supposedly a remix, but it's not really since the original "Birthday Cake" is a minute-long interlude that was just put on the album essentially unfinished. There was never a music video for it because Rihanna and Chris Brown's stupid, careless handlers at least know enough not to put the two of them onscreen together. But that didn't mean I was lucky enough to avoid it either.

Todd: If you needed a reason besides the obvious that Chris and Rihanna should never get back together, here it is.

Rihanna: Nothing else like this
I’mma make you my bitch
And it’s not even my birthday (my birthday)

Todd (VO): "Birthday Cake" is yet another example of Rihanna musically exploring her BDSM kink, which she's done over and over again to diminishing returns, none less so than here with a beat that conveys all the sexiness of a throbbing migraine.

Rihanna: Cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake

Todd (VO): If you thought a song about S&M that just went "S S S & M M M" over and over again was repetitive and uncreative, well, try on this for size, where it just repeats a single word until your skull cracks.

Rihanna: But he wanna lick the icing off (icing off)
I know you want it in the worst way (the worst way)
Can’t wait to blow my candles out
He want that...

Todd: I think I know what the icing is, but what exactly is the candle?

Chris: Girl I wanna fuck you right now

Todd (VO): I reiterate, my distaste for this song has nothing to do with the fact that one of the singers beat up the other. But even so, the fact of Chris Brown's violent assault makes this hard to listen to in its own right.

Rihanna: Remember how you did it?
Remember how you fit it?

Todd: Oh, I remember how he did it. In fact, I kinda wish I could forget.

Todd (VO): Most people would try and get people to forget the most heinous thing they ever did, but Chris just can't stop bringing it up.

Chris: Been a long time, I’ve been missing your body

Todd: Yeah, it has been a long time...because she dumped you...because you hit her.

Chris: But I wanna lick the icing off
Give it to her in the worst way

Todd: [seriously?] Why do people keep letting Chris Brown do this to himself? Wh...why doesn't he have people who can tell him, "don't sing about giving it to her in the worst way"?! 'Cause...

Todd (VO): ...cause you did already, Chris. You already did. You gave it to her in the worst way possible. Are...are his managers secretly slipping that kind of thing in his lyrics as a prank? Do they hate him as much as I do?

Rihanna: Cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake

Todd: The cake is a lie...and Chris Brown is a convicted felon. Chris Brown—still reprehensible in 2013. I'm done.

Gets up and leaves

Rihanna: Bet you wanna put your name on it


Closing tag song: Usher - "Scream"[33]

THE END
Goodbye 2012. Insert apocalypse joke here.
This video is owned by me

FootnotesEdit

  1. #39 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  2. #4 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  3. #94 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  4. #22 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  5. #3 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  6. #26 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  7. #35 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  8. #34 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  9. #15 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  10. #47 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  11. #37 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  12. #81 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  13. #21 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  14. #62 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  15. #55 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  16. #6 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  17. #28 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  18. #52 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  19. #23 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 for 2013; did not appear on the 2012 list
  20. #17 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  21. #18 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  22. #19 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  23. #20 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  24. #25 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  25. #30 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  26. #9 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  27. #10 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  28. Not on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; peaked at #39
  29. #59 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  30. #46 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  31. Not on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; peaked at #3
  32. #79 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  33. #44 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100

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