The Wicker Man
January 21, 2014
35:08 (Youtube version)
(The Nostalgia Critic comes into the studio whistling "The Review Must Go On". On his finger, he carries a Wicker Man DVD. Just before he gets to the door his reviewing room is in, he senses something behind him and turns around, seeing Tamara Chambers with a rather creepy smile on her face)
Nostalgia Critic: Have you been helped?
Tamara: Don't you remember, Critic? It's me, Tamara.
NC: Tamara... Oh, yeah, from the Catwoman review. Yeah, yeah, you were funny in that.
Tamara: Thank you.
(An uncomfortable silence follows)
NC: I find you socially awkward due to your disturbing silence.
Tamara: I see that you have the Wicker Man DVD in your possession.
NC: Oh, uh, yeah.
Tamara: Did you know that that's my favorite movie?
NC: I don't even know what your last name is. Why would I know that?
Tamara: Do you have the original or the unrated version?
NC: (looking at the disc) Uh, the unrated.
Tamara: Oh. Good.
Tamara: No reason. Enjoy your movie.
NC: Oh, thanks, I will— (he looks at the disk, then back to Tamara, only to see that she's gone) That was wei— (Tamara suddenly appears back in front of him) Gaah! Fuck! Can you go that way, please? (Tamara turns and leaves) Ah, Jesus! (he opens the door to his reviewing room) The hell's going on around here— (Tamara is in NC's chair) Will you get out of here— (Tamara is now behind him) Turn around and piss off! (he pushes her out, only to turn around and she's right back in front of him!) Get out of here, you little whack-a-mole! (She finally leaves as he gets in his chair) As if this week couldn't get any more creepy, let's keep it going with Nicolas Cage Month!
(The Nicolas Cage Month opening plays out, with every single face being replaced with Nicolas Cage's, who in this sequence is voiced by Anthony Sardinha)
I'm Nicolas Cage
Actually I have a confession to make
I'm actually not Nicolas Cage
I'm Nicolas Cage pretending to be a narrator who sounds like Nicolas Cage
It isn't fucked up!
(wheezing laugh) Of course it is!
By the way I'm gonna be starring in twenty-six other movies this month
But if they ever made a live-action Winnie the Pooh, I'd play Eeyore
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic; I remember it so you don't have to. Let's talk about Neil LaBute.
NC (vo): You might not recognize his name, but you might recognize his movies. Lakeview Terrace, Nurse Betty, and, probably his most controversial, In the Company of Men.
NC: And if you were like most movie goers, this was probably your reaction to them.
(Cut to Rob Walker, Malcolm Ray, and Jim Jarosz in a movie theatre with very shocked "WTF" faces)
NC (vo): His films usually had a shockingly harsh mean-spirited tone that many critics like, but most audiences didn't know how to accept.
Chad: (from In the Company of Men, played by Aaron Eckhart) We take a girl of that type... just some corn-fed bitch, then one day... out goes the rug and us pulling it hard. She'll be reaching for those sleeping pills within a week... and we will laugh about this 'till we are very old men.
NC (vo): People came out of each film saying, "It is piss-my-pants uncomfortable, which I think is the film's intent, but is the film actually any good? I think so-ish. It's saying something-ish that I think is beneficial-ish." For years and years, nobody quite knew what to make of him.
NC: That is, until the abominable remake that finally gave moviegoers clarity. That being that out of all his films, we know that quite clearly this one is absolute shit. That remake is, of course, Wicker Man.
(Clips of the original movie and the remake play)
NC (vo): Based on the British cult hit of the '70s, the film centers around a cop brought in to investigate an abduction on an island ran by an bizarre cult. The major change in this one: the island is dominated by women. (beat) Yeah, interesting change, but I'm sure the guy who wrote a story about sexist men breaking the heart of a lonely depressed deaf woman would clearly show no signs of misogyny here.
NC: But why wait to find out? Let's take a look at the burning disaster remake that is Wicker Man.
NC (vo): So as the credits roll, we naturally open up with our hero, played by Nicolas Cage. (The "Hallelujah" chorus plays) He's a cop who likes checking out books that I'm sure most of us will need to read after viewing this picture. (Edward Malus (Cage) holds up a book titled Everything's OK!) He's off doing his coply duties when he sees a kid drop her doll out the window.
(Malus bends down while still riding his motorcycle and swoops the doll up in one move)
NC (vo): Jesus, I didn't think you could make Nicolas Cage grabbing a girl's doll actually look cool, but, by God, this movie actually kinda pulled it off!
(The clip plays again)
NC (vo): (as Malus) In the name of Strawberry Shortcake, you shall be avenged! (Normal) So he pulls the car over to give the child back her doll.
Mother: We won't let it happen again, sir.
Malus: Great, thanks a lot.
(The girl throws her doll out of the window again)
Mother: Honey, stop that! I'm so sorry, she's belted in and--
Malus: Don't worry, it comes with the territory. I'll get it.
NC (vo): (as Malus) As an officer, it's my duty to keep my eyes peeled for any opportunity to serve and protect, except of course when a giant truck is traveling on the wrong side of the road for no reason, plunging innocent civilians into a fiery ditch. (This happens as he speaks) For some reason, I'm not very good at spotting those.
(Malus sees the girl alive in the back of the burning car)
Malus: Keep your head down!
NC (vo): Cage tries to save them, but the little girl's too busy being needlessly creepy because... that's what kids in movies kinda did for a while... (Posters for The Ring, The Sixth Sense, The Grudge, and Stir of Echoes are shown) and she burns up in the fire.
(Malus is thrown back as the car explodes)
NC (vo): Cut to some time later—they never say how long—as it seems Cage has a problem getting over his mistake.
(Malus opens his front door and a female cop comes in)
Female Cop: Hey!
Female Cop: So...
Malus: That about sums it up.
NC (vo; as female cop): So, um... you got a scene for me?
Female Cop: Stop helping ya?
Malus: You don't have to stay. I don't really need visitors.
(Another awkward pause)
NC (vo): Well, she added a lot! As we see Cage gets a letter from his ex-fiancée... who apparently has Elvish penmanship... and alerts him that not only has she moved to an island called Summerisle, not only does she have a child named Rowan, not only is she probably his, not only is she now missing and she's incredibly concerned, but she wants him to come to the island and look for her. God DAMN! That's like Jesus finally writing to his father saying... (painting of Christ carrying the Cross) ...how he enjoyed Jerusalem! So he goes to his cop friend to try and get some advice, who quite frankly seems way to spontaneously into this having just heard about it.
Pete (Michael Wiseman): The plot thickens. So is this like some old girlfriend or something? This... Willow?
Malus: We were engaged.
Pete: Sound like she got close with someone else, too? Summersisle?! And she has the nerve to contact you now? Shit! I mean, you're gonna blow this off, right? Why don't you do a little digging on her first? I mean, come on! Tell her to contact the father! Give her a call!
NC (as Pete): I don't know why, I'm just really upset about your problems right now! (his phone rings and he picks it up) Hello? Oh, your husband's been murdered? Well, BOO-FUCKITY-HOO!
(Back to the scene, as the female cop from earlier comes at the door)
Female Cop: We need to be at a briefing in ten minutes.
Female Cop (to Malus): Hey, it's good to see you.
NC (vo; as female cop): Still got no scene for me? Okay. (normal) Nevertheless, Cage agrees to the case, as while traveling to the island, he can't help but to still think of the girl he let down before.
(Malus sees the little girl from the car on the boat, looking out on the railing. While Malus looks her over, a truck horn is heard and the girl suddenly gets run over by a truck)
NC (vo): JESUS CHRIST! WHO LET THE TRUCK ON THE BOAT?! Do boats really need a sign that says "No trucks allowed"? If it's a party boat, do we have to put "No trucks under 21 allowed"? (the clip replays) Holy fuck! This movie's dramatic subtlety is on par with "UHF"!
(In UHF, a man gets hit by a train)
NC (vo): So he gets to the island of Summerisle, or as I like to call it "The Creepyshire", as he comes across some scary Hobbit folk.
Malus: Now, a complaint has been made by a resident of this island...
Old Woman: A complaint, you say?
Malus: Yes, ma'am. About a missing child.
Old Woman: Well, now, that's always trouble.
(Some villagers pass by, carrying a large, squirming bag)
Malus: What's in the bag? A shark or something?
Old Woman: Go on, take a peek.
(Malus slowly reaches out to the bag, which seems to be leaking. The bag flinches and he flinches away. The old women cackle)
NC (vo; as Malus): Well, nothing suspicious here. You go ahead and take your bleeding, moving, human-sized bag to wherever while you laugh maniacally. I'm gonna go see if this place has any cake. (normal) So he walks into the middle of the Hocus Pocus 2 auditions to see if he can get any answers.
Malus (to Sister Beech [Diane Delano]): Are you the bar maiden here? Or... whatever you call it?
Woman: I'm Sister Beech, yes.
NC: (snickers) What's her name again?
Sister Beech: I'm Sister Beech, yes.
NC: (snickers) Please tell me that's the only time we hear that name.
(A montage of people in the movie saying Mrs./Sister Beech is shown)
NC: There's not enough images of slaughtered bunnies in the world to make me not laugh at that.
(Another character says it, making NC snicker over the table. Back to the movie, a bee buzzes and lands in front of Malus. He immediately grabs a jug and squashes the insect, shocking everyone else in the store)
NC (vo; as bee): My brethren will get revenge in the hokiest, most over-the-top way possible.
Malus: Sorry, I'm allergic.
NC (vo): So he comes across his ex-fiance named Willow, who has quite the talent for giving all information, and no information at the same time.
Malus: What in the hell happened to you?
Willow (Kate Beahan): We were young.
Malus: So what?
Willow: Why do we do anything?
Malus: I need some kind of answer.
Willow: I was scared.
Malus: Why do this?
Willow: We're different here.
Malus: Was it some other guy?
Willow: I wasn't ready for this.
NC (vo; as Malus): OK, if I give you a multiple choice between A, B, or C, will you give me a straight answer then? (as Willow) I choose Q. (as Malus) Christ! (normal) Speaking of which, Cage continues to see all sorts of strangeness on the island. Twins talking in unison, women wearing red hoods over their heads, everyone talking in scary, foreshadowing tones, Leelee Sobieski, and oddly enough, decides not to get the fuck out of there! But then again, being Cage, maybe all this makes him feel at home.
(Malus turns to Sister Honey [Sobieski])
Malus: Excuse me, did someone unpack my bag? Because I'm missing some tapes.
Sister Honey: I wouldn't know about that.
Malus: They're called "Everything's OK".
(Sister Honey nods and walks away. It should be noted that Sister Honey is dressed in a simple light blue dress with a white shirt and white apron, similar to Belle from Beauty and the Beast)
Chorus: (from Beauty and the Beast): (vo; singing) Look, there she goes! The girl is so peculiar!
NC (vo): Things don't get any better when he continues to dream about the same girl he lost before.
(Malus imagines the girl on the boat again. As she turns to see him, she gets hit by another speeding truck)
NC (vo): AGAIN?! This thing follows his subconscious like Freddy Kreuger driving the truck from Duel! It doesn't get any scarier the more you show it; it just gets funnier!
(The clip replays to prove NC's point)
NC: (chuckles) Can we just get a loop of that?
(The clip loops several times)
NC: And they say there's nothing good on the Internet.
NC (vo): But Cage thinks he sees Rowan in the garden and tries to go after her, thinking he's narrowed her down in the barn.
(Malus investigates inside the barn. Just above him, a shadow whooshes by. A "vroosh" sound effect follows the shadow)
NC (vo; as Malus): I can hear your "vroosh". (normal) Which is really obnoxious when you think about it. How come in a movie, whenever somebody passes the camera in the dark, it's always accompanied by a "vroosh"?
NC: I mean, do people have no control over that? It's really annoying--
(He gets cut off as Malcolm suddenly "vrooshes" by)
NC: D'AH! Malcolm!
NC: Can you keep your "vroosh" down? I was just talking about how obnoxious it is.
Malcolm: Sorry. It's the new shoes.
(Malcolm walks off, making the "vroosh" sound with each step he takes. We cut back to the movie)
NC (vo): He loses track of her and doesn't seem to get any closer.
NC: Making this scene... ("Entirely Pointless" captions pops up with a "ding" sound effect)... Entirely Pointless!
NC (vo): He does, however, notice what any fucking idiot would notice the first time being there: a massive lineup of pictured girls all looking like they're about to be sacrificed at an altar. But one picture seems to be missing.
Sister Beech: The Harvest Festival, we have one the end of each autumn. And then the Festival of Fertility, too, of course.
Malus: What happened to last year's?
Sister Beech: Afraid... it got ruined last night.
NC (vo; as Malus): OK, let's cut the bullshit! We all know you're Brian Cox in drag! Just stop pretending! (normal) So he goes to see if he can get any answers from little Leelee.
Malus: Hey, I meant to ask you in there: do you recognize this girl?
(Sister Honey simply chuckles and smiles in response)
Malus: Yeah, well, where's the other woman who works here?
NC (vo): Nooo. Let's go back to that question you just asked and clearly didn't get an answer to: "Have you seen this little girl?" God! Do you have ANY policeman insight? Would you do this on any other case?
(Cut to a scene showing Malus, played by Doug, and a creepy, smiling woman holding an ax, played by Malcolm. Behind them, the dismembered head of Rob Walker is swinging from a noose)
Doug: (as Malus) Excuse me, have you seen this white man with glasses and a goatee?
(Malcolm (as creepy girl) simply smiles and chuckles)
Doug (as Malus): OK, that's good enough for me. (he walks away) All right, guys, nothing to see here!
(Back to the movie)
NC (vo): Things get, imagine this, even stranger when he goes to a school that only seems to be teaching girls.
Sister Rose (Molly Parker): Would you tell us what man represents in his purest form?
(All the students raise their hands)
Sister Rose: Yes?
Twin Students: Phallic symbol, phallic symbol.
NC: (outraged) Hey, HEY! HEY! As a man, I am very offended! I mean, you're not supposed to just say it.
Malus: School's really changed since I was a kid.
Sister Rose: How dare you stand there and frighten my children.
NC (vo): Wow. Nicolas Cage is so creepy, he can just scare people by just standing in the same room as them?
NC: Oh, let's be honest; none of us are surprised by that.
Malus: Whose desk is this?
(No one answers. Malus walks over to the desk and opens it. A live crow suddenly flies out of it)
NC: My apologies. We are studying the textbook of lazy jump scares. (to the side) OK, Chapter 2, children! Walking by the camera and going "vroosh"!
NC (vo): The more questions he asks, of course, the fewer answers he gets.
Sister Rose: If Rowan Woodward existed...
Malus: If?! And I suppose her mother is lying to me, too, huh?
Sister Rose: Not lying, no. Grieving.
Malus: You mean that Rowan is... dead?
Sister Rose: It was an accident.
Malus: What kind of accident?
Sister Rose: Leave things alone, please?
Malus: Sister Rose? How did she die?
Sister Rose: She'll burn to death.
Malus: What did you just say?
Sister Rose: She burned to death.
NC (vo): So seeing how Rowan has more inconsistent backstories than Tommy Wiseau, Cage sets out at least to locate the body or grave, which neither Willow or Cage thinks proves at all that she's actually dead.
Willow: They put it there. I didn't.
Malus: Whose "they"?
NC (vo): So here's a crazy idea! He asks her to take him to the place where she last saw her. Uh... shouldn't that have been the first frigging thing that he did?
Malus: So this is where you last saw Rowan?
(Willow says nothing)
Malus: Yeah? Can you give me the details? It's important.
NC (vo; as Willow): Sorry, I don't operate in details. Just foreshadowing bullshit that makes for great creepy padding.
Malus: And you're sure there's no way it can be someone from off the island?
(Malus notices scribblings under the desk in red ink, the largest of which reads "Help Me")
NC (vo): Well, that would be considered a clue if it wasn't typical writing for any child stuck as school. So he doesn't seem to get any closer. That is, until he thinks he sees her drowning under the dock.
(Malus gets into the water to try to pull Rowan out. When he reaches her, he wakes up on the dock)
NC (vo): Huh. Clearly it was just a dream... (Malus is suddenly holding Rowan's body) OR MAYBE IT WASN'T! OH, MY GOD! (Malus wakes up once again) Nope. Just a dream.
Malus: GODDAMN IT!
NC (vo; as Malus): A double fake-out? REALLY?! We're that desperate?! God, the least they could have done was thrown in another tru—
(The truck from before is photoshopped to hit Malus)
NC (vo): So he goes to ask more questions... after randomly passing by the cult of Jawas... (an "Utini" is added into the scene) ...as he JUST NOW fucking realizes that Rowan was the girl missing in the framed picture. Naw! Ya think?!
(Malus confronts Willow)
Malus: Why didn't you tell me Rowan was a part of all this, huh? The... rituals?
Willow: Well, I'm frightened of this place, too.
Malus: All right, I'm sorry. It doesn't matter. (He hugs her)
NC (vo): Jesus Christ! Does this guy ever use his brain?! These have got to be some of the worst detective skills of all time!
(Cut to NC with a smiling Tamara suddenly beside him)
NC: I mean, how stupid do you have to be...
(NC stops speaking, looks behind him and flinches when he notices Tamara)
Tamara: How's the review coming, Critic?
NC: THAT'S IT! (He gets up) Listen here, you creepy little elf on the shelf, I'm not going to let a crazy and potentially dangerous person get in the way of my work!
Tamara: What are you going to do? Leave? Call for backup? Bring in as many sane and rational people possible to level out this insane playing field?
NC: No. That would be unbelievably stupid. I'm just going to ask obvious question after obvious question that anyone would know in the hopes that you would give me an incredibly vague answer that will make me more angry!
Tamara: Oh. All right, then. Go ahead!
NC: What's going on here?
Tamarra: They would know.
NC: Who is they?
Tamara: They is them.
NC: Them is they?
Tamara: All is knowing.
NC: Knowing is all?
Tamara: You can't understand that not understanding is understanding when you can't understand. Understand?
NC: Your vagueness is making me ANGRY!
Tamara: Then maybe I should leave.
NC: Fine! I think I've utilized my detective skills long enough. GET OUTTA HERE!
(Tamara walks out, her creepy smile still turned to the Critic. She walks backwards out the door, smiling along the way)
NC: (Sitting back down) Whew! Okay, so after that...
(He pauses to take a look at the door. No one is there. He keeps his eye on the door. The scene cuts back and forth between the door and the Critic, until we suddenly see Tamara peeking from the side.)
NC: Will ya get outta here?!
(Tamara slowly slinks away. NC tries to start again when he notices something else at the door. He turns to see Nicolas Cage's face)
NC: (spooked) FUCK!
(It turns out it's just Tamara, with a picture of Cage's head on a stick. She smiles and slinks away again)
NC: (rubs his temples) It's a bad day to be me.
(Cut to commercial)
(We return from the commercial)
NC (vo): So, in keeping with his brilliant deduction skills, Cage gets absolutely no answers from anybody, so he tours the island more. He notices that the men on the island are only used for labor and are never allowed to speak. Kinda like how they treat people at Wal-Mart. But trouble starts a-brewing when he comes across a giant farm of bees. As you remember, Cage is horribly allergic to bees. So, what to do? Run deeper into the farm of bees, of course!
NC: Because it's... (confused) Opposite Day?
(Malus soon ends up rolling down a hill)
NC (vo): He gets stung too many times and passes out, but is saved by some of the workers who dropped him off at Sister Summerisle's home, the woman who runs the island, played by Ellen Burstyn. They go walking just outside the beehives, which...Cage seems to be taking miraculously well, seeing how he nearly died from them. I'd piss my pants if I saw one on a sandwich after that! So she talks about how they honor the great goddess and also their treatment of men on the island.
Malus: Men are what, second-class citizens?
Sister Summerisle: No, not at all. We love our men. We're just not subservient to them. Men are an important part of our little colony. Breeding, you know?
NC: My God, this island is terrible. All the men do around here is mate, and stay at home, and mate, and not have to talk to anybody, and mate, and—can I vacation here?
Sister Summerisle: The strongest, the finest, the most sturdy of our kind.
Malus: Female, right?
NC: Well, when the upper body strength fairy comes to help you move a recliner, then we'll talk!
NC (vo): But then Cage remembers, "Oh, yeah, the little girl thing," and brings the questions back looking for her.
Malus: Perhaps it's time for you to stop bullshitting me, okay?
Sister Summerisle: Now be careful.
Malus: Especially when a little girl's life is at stake. My little girl! I'm sure you've guessed.
Sister Summerisle: As a matter of fact, yes.
Malus: I'm more interested in the law.
(Smash cut of Rico from Judge Dredd)
Malus: Now do I have permission to open the grave of Rowan Woodward?
Sister Summerisle: Oh, I was already under the impression I'd given it to you.
(Malus is digging through a grave at night)
NC (vo): So he gets permission to look through the grave, but all he finds is a burnt little doll. This, of course, gets Cage EVEN ANGRIER!
(Malus is confronting Willow about the doll)
Malus: This hers? TELL ME! How'd it get burned? HOW'D IT GET BURNED?!
Malus: HOW'D IT GET BURNED, HOW'D IT GET BURNED?!
NC: Somebody lit it! Somebody lit it!
Willow: Where are you going?
Malus: Back to her place!
Willow: I'm coming with you!
Malus: No, Willow! I mean it!
Willow: But maybe if we...
Malus: Something bad is about to happen. I can feel it.
NC (vo): Yes, because everything's been going great up until now. I'd hate to see what happens if this all went down some weird, nonsensical road.
(Malus opens a door and finds a man in a bed covered in bee stings, confusing NC)
NC: Like that's a good start.
NC (vo): Let's see what's behind door number two!
(Malus opens another door to see a naked woman covered in bees)
NC: (pretending to look at a watch) Oh, is it weird bee thing o'clock already?
NC (vo): And, folks, that's only the beginning of where this Tijuana car wash of insanity takes you. (Sister Rose comes up on a bicycle wearing a mask) Including the Great Gonzo being pulled over at gunpoint.
Malus: Get off the bike. (Rose ignores him until he pulls his gun out) Step away from the bike!
(NC is holding his hands out like a gun)
NC: (as Malus) I have shot people over less than this!
(Malus rides off on the bike)
NC (vo): (as Malus) Hey, guess who I am? (hums the Wicked Witch of the West leitmotif) That's right, Monica Crowley.
Twins: It is he.
(Malus just pedals off)
NC (vo): Huh. So that's why the Olsen twins don't make public appearances anymore.
(Malus opens up a closet which makes a little girl fall out. She just laughs at him, as well as a couple other girls)
NC (vo): We were playing "Why the hell would we be laughing except to create a not-so-creepy environment because the acting and storytelling can't deliver on its own?"
NC: Now with a take home edition.
(A picture of said board game is shown. A keg is smashed as people celebrate by walking down the street in a costumed parade)
NC (vo): And now we've entered a kegger in Narnia. But instead of Aslan leading the party, we have...
(Sister Summerisle comes out with her face painted half white and half blue)
NC: (laughing) Oh, my God!
Sister Summerisle: O Goddess of the fields, please accept our offering.
NC (vo): (as William Wallace from Braveheart) We may be able to take this off our resumé, but we'll never be able to take it off our embarrassing IMDb page!
(The crowd cheers Sister Summerisle)
NC (vo): And, yes, it looks like Cage has finally had enough of this goddamn, motherfucking island. Time to punch a Beech in the mouth.
(Malus does just that, punching Sister Beech out)
NC: (as Malus, shaking his hand) That's for making me think you were Albert Finney!
NC (vo): But little Leelee attacks, and, yes, they actually do have a fight sequence together. (The festival is shown) All while Care-A-Lot is getting smashed.
(Malus and Honey's fight are intercut with scenes of the festival)
NC (vo): You know, for the stronger sex island, you could teach less wimpy fighting moves.
NC: (NC mimics Honey's "fighting" style) Fear me, I am mighty!
(Malus kicks Honey into the wall of pictures)
NC: Well, looks like Sobieski... (he takes his glasses off)... needs to sober up-ski. (he puts on sunglasses as a "YEAAAAAAHHHHH!" (similar to CSI: Miami) comes on)
NC (vo): So he disguises himself in a bear suit we assume Mrs. Beech was gonna wear, and he works his way into the LARP parade.
(Malus gets close enough to speak to Willow)
NC (vo): (as Malus) Help, a bear ate me. Get me out of here. Ha-ha, no, seriously, we're all in big trouble.
Malus: I thought I told you to wait for me.
Willow: What do you mean? I had to come.
NC (vo): So Cage finally finds Rowan who's about to be sacrificed, and decides to save the day in one of the most surreal, unintentionally funny moments put to film.
(Malus comes up close to the Sister performing the ritual)
Sister: What is it? What's wrong, sister?
(Malus punches her out. NC is speechless as the scene plays again. He gets up from his desk and leaves. He's soon on the couch looking over a book. Malcolm comes in)
Malcolm: Hey, Critic. What are you looking at? Family pictures?
NC: No. All my old bear jokes. I've made so many in the past. Oh, look at this one. (A picture of Christopher Walken is shown next to a bear) This is when Christopher Walken said "It's not over... bears!" He never says anything like a human. (Malcolm snickers) Oh, and here. (A picture of Darkheart is shown) This is from Care Bears 2, when Darkheart said, "Time for a game of disappearing bears." He never says anything natural, either. (Malcolm snickers at that. A picture of Charlton Heston is shown) Oh, and there's Charlton Heston talking about hunting bears. (a picture of the bear meeting from The Avengers (1998) is shown) There's even Sean Connery in a bear suit.
Malcolm: Wow. So many bear memories.
NC: And yet here, Malcolm, here in Wicker Man is the holy grail of bear scenes. A moment where Nicolas Cage is in a bear suit and he punches out a woman while Ellen Braveheart watches. (sigh) There's just so many jokes I can do, and I don't know which one to pick. Maybe I should just skip the joke altogether.
Malcolm: Hey, don't talk like that. (NC looks at Malcolm) You know, sometimes the more obvious the joke, the more it has to be addressed.
NC: But which one should I do? Which one should I do? (he covers his face in his hands, trying to solve this dilemma)
Malcolm: Tell you what, why don't you do all of them?
NC: (he looks up) All of them?
Malcolm: Yes. That way the public can decide which one's best.
NC: You know, that's not such a bad idea. Thank you, Malcolm. Thank you for understanding my bear dilemma.
Malcolm: That's what I'm here for.
(NC closes his book and heads back into his reviewing office. Tamara pops up from behind the couch)
Tamara: Is it working?
Malcolm: Yes. Everything's going according to plan.
(NC sits back down in his chair)
NC: Okay, so... Here are my Nicolas Cage bear jokes.
(The same clip is played with each line)
Waka waka, whore!
Papa Bear says this bitch is too conscious!
The Berenstain Family says hi!
Allow me to introduce myself, I'm Winnie the Shut-the-Fuck-Up!
The Bare Necessities would like you to get more acquainted with the ground!
Gummi Bears, bouncing here and there and in your FACE!
Sister Rose, meet Brother Bear!
I hear you've been harnessing pic-a-nic baskets!
Paddington told me we should meet face to fist!
NC: And the number one Nicolas Cage bear joke is...
Only you can prevent yourself getting your ass kicked by Nicolas FUCKING Cage!
NC: Play me off, Paul!
(NC dances as Paul Schaffer plays him off)
NC: So Cage saves Rowan, but little does he know she was never in any danger at all. In fact, she even runs back to her group who welcome her with open arms.
Sister Summerisle: You've come of your own free will to keep this appointment with the Wicker Man. And now the game is over.
Sister Rose: The game of the hunter leading the hunted.
NC: This was all part of a new reality show called "Fucking with Cage"! (We see pictures of Cage acting nuts in various films, other pictures of people laughing at him, and a caption that reads "Fucking with Cage") Next week, we're going to see what happens when we make him think he's a vampire.
(Clip from Vampire's Kiss is played)
Peter Loew (Cage): (running down a street) I'M A VAMPIRE! I'M A VAMPIRE! I'M A VAMPIRE!
(Back to the movie)
Sister Rose: We led you to believe that your daughter would be sacrificed due to the failure of the crops last year.
Sister Summerisle: They failed, all right. Disastrously so! But, we are always prepared with a powerful sacrifice. And that, my friend, is your destiny.
Twins: It is your destiny!
NC (vo): So their thought is that his sacrifice will bring the crops back to flourish like it has all the other years of sacrificing they've done. But, wait. If he had to come of his own free will, why didn't they just capture him when he got to the island? Why all the running around and mystery?
NC: And most importantly, how did that little doll get burned?! (picture of that scene is shown) I'm sorry, it couldn't have come from a match.
(Malus points his gun at the crowd)
Malus: STAY BACK!
NC (vo): Cage tries to fight them off, but what do you know?
Elmer Fudd (vo): No more buwwets!
(Willow has his bullets in her hand. The townsfolk overwhelm and capture Malus)
NC (vo): They break his legs, take him to a giant wicker man, and put him inside, setting it ablaze. Worst. Burning Man. Ever.
Townsfolk: (chanting) The drone must die! The drone must die! The drone must die!
(Malus screams as the flames start to overtake the wicker man)
NC (as Malus): Oh, hey! I can see there's a Haier Resort just over those trees! Boy! Don't I feel stupid. AAARRRGGGGHHH!
(The towns folk continue chanting while Malus screams as the fire reaches him)
NC (vo): And thus, the poor man is burned alive by the power-hungry women, who wish to do nothing but break and control anyone of the opposite sex. Well, at least we now know how Rush Limbaugh views feminism. But it doesn't stop there! We get one more ending where, I swear to God, James Franco and Jason Ritter are off-duty cops in a bar chatting it up.
(The two guys see a girl in a bar)
Franco: Check it out.
NC (vo; as Franco): Hey! You wanna hear about a role where I destroy a world's entire future by my mere existence?
NC (vo; as Ritter): Planet of the Apes?
NC (vo; as Franco): No! Oz the Great and Powerful!
Franco: Well, hello, there!
NC (vo): But then Sister Willow enters in and presumably, it all starts over again.
Willow: When you leave here, where are you going?
Ritter: To my apartment.
(Bees can be heard buzzing)
Willow: When you do, will you take me with you?
(Ritter smiles as the buzzing grows louder, Malus' scream can be heard. The Looney Tunes circles close in on them as the "That's All, Folks" music starts to play. The image switches to Malus)
Malus: BITCHES! YOU BITCHES!
(The image switches again to Castor Troy shrugging as the "That's All Folks!" caption appears)
NC: And that was Wicker Man! What the fuck?!
(Clips from the movie play out as NC gets to his last thoughts)
NC (vo): I think it's trying to be anti-feminist, but on the other hand, Cage is kind of a shouting, idiotic jerk, as are half the other guys in the movie, so maybe it's the other way around. Showing that being chauvinistic and misogynistic will lead to your demise. But then, why do they try to make this place come off so creepy and insane? I don't know, and in the end, I don't care, because it's incredibly obvious this is a giant piece of shit. I mean, this flick is so entertainingly bad, and every other second has something to laugh at in terms of how awkward it is. So, if you're looking for a bat-shit insane movie that will have you unintentionally laughing in the aisles, then this wicker-ham is for you.
NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to!
(He gets up and leaves. The credits roll, ending the review, but the credits suddenly stop rolling as Tamara appears from the side, shoving the credits away. NC, eating a bowl of Cheerios 2, is stunned to see that the video isn't over)
NC: Uhh... isn't that usually it?
Tamara (off-screen): Not quite!
(The camera shifts over to Tamara and Malcolm. Malcolm is holding a bat, wearing a bee costume, and Tamara's face is painted blue, with a tic-tac-toe game in white)
Tamara: Aren't you forgetting something, Critic?
NC: Tamara? What the hell are you doing here? The review is over!
Malcolm: There's one famous part you forgot to mention.
Tamara: The most famous part of the movie, and my all-time favorite scene.
(NC is confused. Then, he suddenly realizes what the two are talking about)
NC: NO, GODDAMN IT! EVERYBODY HAS TALKED ABOUT THAT STUPID SCENE! THE INTERNET HAS TALKED ABOUT THAT STUPID SCENE SINCE THE BEGINNING OF STUPID SCENES! WE ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT THAT STUPID SCENE! I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT THAT STUPID SCENE! YOU'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT THAT STUPID SCENE! YOU'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT THAT STUPID SCENE! WE ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT THAT STUPID SCENE!
Tamara: I thought you'd say that. Which is why we've come to make sure you follow through.
Malcolm: Over 4 million hits on YouTube.
Tamara: Countless quotes in countless forums.
Malcolm: It cannot be ignored.
Tamara: It is your destiny!
Malcolm and Tamara: The more obvious the joke, the more it has to be addressed.
Malcolm and Tamara: The more obvious the joke, the more it has to be addressed.
NC: Wait. You think saying that in unison is somehow gonna change my mind?
Tamara: No. But this will.
(Malcolm hits the NC with the bat, knocking him to the floor. Tamara has a hold of him)
Tamara: Reference the bees!
NC (dazed): Never.
(Tamara nods, and Malcolm brings the bat down, right on the NC's crotch. He yells in pain)
Tamara: Reference the bees!
NC (higher-pitched): Never!
(Another nod, and another NC crotch shot. Tamara chuckles evilly)
NC (higher pitched): I'll see you in Hell, you fucking Smurfette!
(Cue crotch shot number 3)
NC (higher pitched): You crazy bitch! Tell the rest of the Lollipop Guild I say hello!
(Tamara shoots a look to Malcolm. He nods and goes to grab a black pot. Something seems to be buzzing inside. NC's voice has gone back to normal)
NC: What is that?
(He realizes what the buzzing sound is)
NC: No. No, not that! Anything but that! No! NO!
(Too late. Malcolm pours the buzzing memes out of the pot over the Critic's head)
NC: NOOOO! NOT THE MEMES! NOT THE MEMES! OH, THEY'RE EVERYWHERE! THEY'RE ALL OVER THE INTERNET! OOOH, THEY'RE IN MY EYES! I'VE SEEN THEM SO MUCH, THEY'RE INGRAINED IN MY EYES!
(The Critic is screaming and spazzing out while Tamara looks on with glee)
NC: ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! I'LL TALK ABOUT THE FUCKING BEES! (The memes buzz away) CHRIST!
(The infamous "Not the bees!" scene plays out as NC speaks)
NC (vo): The irony is that the most famous scene in this movie where Cage is being tortured by the bees isn't even in the original. It was in the unrated cut. So this moment is literally so enjoyed that it became popular despite it never getting a theatrical release. So, what is it about this moment that everybody goes nuts for? Is it the bees are so horribly CG'ed? Is it the idea itself is so crazy? Is it he keeps shouting "They're in my eyes!" when they're clearly not in his eyes?
Malus: OH, THEY'RE IN MY EYES! MY EYES!
NC (vo): Well, the only conclusion that I could come to why everybody loves this scene, of course, is the Cage man himself. It's only a few seconds long, but he does his thing! Screaming at the top of his lungs, asking what something is like they're honestly gonna tell him...
Malus: What is it? What is it?!
NC (vo): ...and even shaking his head back and forth going "BLLLAAAARRRGGGHHH!"
(Malus is screaming due to the bees)
NC (vo): Perhaps it's because it's not just typical over-the-top... well, OK, it kinda is. But, it's also kind of awkward. He's not going full Cage freakout. This is more like an 8 or a 9. If he was, his eyes would be more bulgy, like they usually are. (From Face/Off, Cage's character of Caster Troy bugs his eyes out as he sexually gropes a choir member) He just sort of goes halfway and then kind of gives up. Which, bizarrely enough, makes it even more over-the-top and strange. Perhaps it's one of those instances where going big, but not all the way big, makes it even more awkward and memorable, and surprisingly maybe making it the biggest moment in any Cage movie. It has its own unique blend of strange, not-of-this-world, so-bad-it's-good corniness that will live on in ridiculous film history.
Malus: OH! NO, NOT THE BEES! NOT THE BEES! AAAAAAAAHHHHHH! OH, THEY'RE IN MY EYES! MY EYES! AAAAAAAARRRGH! ARRRRGGGGGGGGH!
(Cut back to the Critic, Malcolm, and Tamara)
NC: (to Tamara) There! You happy, you crazy, obsessed fuck?!
Tamara: Oh, I am. I am.
(Tamara heads to the door)
NC: Wait! Where the hell are you going?
Tamara: Don't you understand, Critic? The journey never ends. I must find other Nicolas Cage fans to talk about this scene, so that it may be exploited for all of eternity!
(With that, Tamara leaves. The Critic turns to Malcolm)
NC: OK, we are having a meeting about this tomorrow.
Malcolm: She was very persuasive!
(The Critic yanks Malcolm's antennae off his head. We cut to the Cowboy Bar at night. Inside, several people are having a drink, including Carl and Quinn from Demo Reel. We focus in on an argument between the Cinema Snob and Spoony)
Cinema Snob: No! No! Best Nicolas Cage movie ever. Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans.
Spoony: You're out of your mind, because it's the John Woo classic Face/Off. Why? Because you've got Nicolas Cage wielding twin gold-plated Desert Eagles!
Cinema Snob: He was doing that in his own mind in Bad Lieutenant! Plus, with dancing souls, iguanas, and fat Val Kilmer.
Spoony: (as Cage) I could eat a peach for hours! (normal) Be that as it may...
(A clearing throat cuts them off. Tamara suddenly approaches them)
Tamara: I hear you two are Nicolas Cage fans?
Spoony: A touch?
Cinema Snob: A bit of an understatement, honestly.
Tamara: Would that mean that you would be interested in maybe doing a "Wicker Man" review in the future? Possibly for... little old me?
(The two try to pay it modest. A buzzing sound slowly grows, until...)
NC: Hold it!
(The Critic shoves Tamara away)
Cinema Snob: What the hell?
Spoony: Nostalgia cock-blocker!
(Snob groans in frustration. The Critic takes the smiling Tamara to a corner)
NC: Okay, Arya Stark! If you think you can just leave after all the crazy shit you put me through, you got another thing coming! You are by far the craziest, nastiest, meanest, sadisticesist, psychoticist...ist...ist..., criminally insane, unwell, mentally ill, FUCKING OBSESSED nutjob I've ever seen in my entire life, and I am going to do what needs to be done about it!
(Tamara keeps smiling. Snob and Spoony look on in shock at the confrontation. The suspense builds and then stops)
NC: You wanna come work for me? My views always seem to go up whenever I'm in pain.
Tamara (shrugs): Yeah, sure.
NC (cheers): WHOO-HOO!
(The Critic then gets hit by a truck as the credits roll. Afterwards, we cut back to Spoony and Snob one last time)
Spoony: Hey! Can't you read? (points to the "No Trucks Under 21 Allowed" sign) No trucks under 21!
Cinema Snob: Yeah, I'm pretty sure that was a 2012 Silverado.
(Channel Awesome Logo)
Malus: HOW'D IT GET BURNED, HOW'D IT GET BURNED?!