May 4th, 2008
NC: Hello I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. Well there's no doubt about it, Nintendo games ROCK.
Brief title card saying "ROCK."
NC: Movies based on Nintendo games BLOW.
Brief title card saying "BLOW"
NC: Therefore movies about Nintendo games BLOW ROCKS.
Brief title card...you get the idea, right?
NC: Thus we enter the horrifying realms of The Wizard.
Footage of The Wizard
NC (voiceover): Nintendo's biggest advertising fuck-up since Virtual Boy. The film, about a little boy who seems to be a prodigy with Nintendo games, literally teaches the lesson that Nintendo games bring families together. And as we all know, Nintendo games make us wanna do NOTHING but destroy our adversaries.
NC: So the idea of Nintendo being kinda this 8-bit Buddha was pretty damn stupid. But still, they advertised this movie big, with stars like Fred Savage, Christian Slater, a shitload of video games, a Nintendo tournament face-off, and even a sneak peak at their latest ground-breaking game which wasn't yet released. When you're a kid growing up in the 80s and 90s, this looked unbelievable. I mean EVERY kid had to see this. So, why is this film a let-down of digital proportions? Let's take a look.
NC (voiceover): First of all, let's take a look at this thrilling opening. ...pretty exciting, huh? (mock-grandios announcer voice) The Wizard! Champions of Nintendo, duking it out in a one on one tournament of the Nintendo mast- MY GOD, IS HE STILL WALKING?
NC: Seriously, the opening of this film is nothing but a kid walking down a straight, narrow, road. Fasten your seatbelts, we're in for a wild ride.
Universal Tour Guide: JUST SIT DOWN AND HAVE FUN, DAMMIT!
NC (voiceover): Okay, so the strange little boy walking down the road is a kid named Jimmy, who just wants to go to (mock child's voice) "California."
NC (voiceover): He's returned home to his mother and jackass step-father, where he continues to stare blankly out into space. Apparently he's been traumatized by the death of his sister and he's seeking an outlet for all his pent up emotions.
Jimmy's mom: I like to think that he's...searching for a way to express himself.
NC: If only there was some kind of...game console. With two-player gameplay and 8-bit graphics that could ALLOW him to express himself. But, that kind of awe inspiring magic only exists in the wildest realms of our imagination.
NC (voiceover): Meanwhile, we cut to Jimmy's real father, played by Beau Bridges.
NC: Who "surprisingly," was available.
NC (voiceover): We also get to see Jimmy's brothers, Nick--played by Christian Slater--and Corey, played by Fred Savage. And I never really noticed it before, but...Fred Savage is kinda weird. I mean he doesn't really act like a kid at all. Everything he says sounds like it's being spoken by a high-pitched adult.
Corey: Will you listen to me? Do you wanna see that happen? Huh? Do you wanna see him put Jimmy in a home?
NC (voiceover): It kinds sounds like a male Dakota Fanning. And I DON'T think that's a good thing.
Corey: You're gettin' awful personal, you know.
NC (voiceover): So he sits in his room, throwing darts at a map...cause I guess that's what kids did before the internet, and decides he wants to take a little vacation. Where?
NC: No no no, "California."
NC (voiceover): So Corey decides he wants to run away from home and live in California. On his way there he picks up his brother Jimmy from a mental home, where he literally just walks in the front door and steals him away.
NC: What the fuck security?! I mean there's no sign, no locked doors, no nothing!
NC (voiceover): Did they just forget that kidnapping's illegal? What a corrupt establishment!
Nick: I don't believe it!
NC (voiceover): When news of their runaway hits the parents, the mother and step-father hire a professional runaway...bringer...backer person named Mr. Putman. But Corey's brother and father are DESTINED to get them back first, because Mr. Putman has the AUDACITY to bring them back...while being mildly rude.
Mr. Putman: I make my money by bringin' kids in, and...I don't make it if someone else brings the kid in first.
NC: We can't let him bring our children back alive and well with such HIDEOUSLY poor manners. To the shitmobile!
Montage of Nick and his father driving around, to 60's Batman theme
NC (voiceover): Meanwhile, Jimmy and Corey stop at a bus station where they discover that Jimmy has a special talent for getting high points on Double Dragon.
Corey: You got 50,000 on Double Dragon?
NC (voiceover): There they come across Hailey, a girl who ALSO happens to be running away.
Hailey: What's his problem?
Hailey: Short a few bricks, I would say.
Corey: He just kicked ass on Double Dragon.
Hailey: Get outta here. Him?
Corey: Yeah, he could wax your tail.
Hailey: No way.
Corey: Wanna bet?
Hailey: How much?
Corey: How 'bout a bus ticket? You cash it in.
NC: What. Kids. Talk like this?
NC (voiceover): I mean seriously, they all talk like 1980's businessmen! Who raised 'em, Donald Trump?
Trump: You're fired.
NC (voiceover): Hailey is shocked to find out that Jimmy DOES beat her at Double Dragon. A BOY defeats a GIRL at a video game? Stop the presses!
Hailey: Your attitude sucks.
NC (voiceover): Meanwhile, Corey's dad and brother continue to search for them--after stealing the tree from Harold and Maude--and they decide to stay in a hotel. There, Nick hooks up a Nintendo system, which seems to bring this father and son closer together.
Dad: Doesn't take much intelligence to play that game, does it?
Nick: You should know.
NC: REALLY close together.
Nick: Wanna go grab a bite to eat?
NC: REEEEALLY close together.
Nick and his dad are sleeping in the same bed
Nick: I just wanna let you know...I'm glad that I'm here.
NC: Really, uncomfortably, unnaturally, unChristianly close together.
Nick: Remember those trips we used to take every year? That was great. Sleepin' with my father-
NC: Nintendo: it makes you gay!
Fake Nintendo ad screen
Announcer: Nintendo: Now you're playing with incest!
Nick: We can't even TALK to each other!
Dad: You're in your underwear!
NC (voiceover): Meanwhile, Hailey tells Corey and Jimmy about a Nintendo competition where they could win $50,000 and you'll never guess where it's being held!
NC: Right you are, ya little oddball.
NC (voiceover): So the three of them go from pitstop to pitstop, conning people out of money by making bets on video games. Which it seems are mostly played by a lot of middle-aged, stuck up, white businessmen. You know, the usual demographic.
Corey: Now my brother over here, HE could beat you.
Businessman: Ahahahahahahahahaha! Go on.
NC: (mocking) A child, defeat me at a children's game? Ohohohoho, how delightfully absurd.
NC (voiceover): While gaining more and more money, one kid recommends Jimmy to the Ultimate Nintendo Master.
Kid: He's good, but he'd never beat Lucas.
NC: Oh don't tell me you've never heard of Lucas; he's only the greatest Nintendo player that has ever roamed the universe.
Corey: And where might we find this Lucas?
NC: Within the twilight of a full moon. When the sky is dark and fire of stars PIERCES through the night! THAT is where you will find...Lucas.
Shots of Lucas, interspliced with NC's descriptions and graphics echoing him
NC: He's tough (tough!). He's cool (coooool). But most of all...HE'S BAD (b-b-bad!)!
Kid: Nobody's better than Lucas.
Lucas: You the Wizard?
Corey: No, he is.
Lucas: Is he like a poster child for someone?
NC: Ooh! (makes the finger poke/burning gesture)
Other Kid: Hey Lucas man, that was great!
NC: They say that he's less than a god, but more than a man.
Kid: Lucas...is awesome.
Lucas: Pick any game you want. I have all 97 of them.
NC: NINETY S- oh, oh
Hailey: You know all 97 of them?
NC: That's impossible!
NC (voiceover): Dirty Harry, Scarface, the Terminator...
Title card saying "PUSSIES"
The words "There is only LUCAS" are superimposed over an image of Lucas
Lucas: Why don't you make yourself useful and get me a cold drink?
NC (voiceover): Not only is Lucas a Nintendo master, he is also the keeper of a greater magic.
NC: What could be so important he has to keep it in a briefcase?
The briefcase is opened to dramatic music, revealing the Power Glove
NC: The legends were true!
Hailey: What is that?
Corey: I don't know.
Lucas: The Power Glove
NC: It's even more beautiful than I imagined!
Lucas uses the Power Glove to play a game, and NC reacts with shock and awe at every maneuver
NC: LOOK OUT LUCAS, LOOK OUT! My God! He's a madman, a madman! It's like watching Michelangelo carve his beloved David...but with a glove!
Lucas: I love the Power Glove...it's so bad.
Corey: Yeah well...just keep your Power Gloves off her pal, huh?
NC (voiceover): Oh I'm sorry, I forgot to make room for your spontaneous romance
NC: That literally started...RIGHT NOW!
NC (voiceover): All the sexual tension gets to Jimmy as he runs out of the room, while Lucas tells Hailey that HE'LL be entering the Nintendo competition too!
NC: Surely they don't have any openings...for gods!
Lucas: Is that right?
NC (voiceover): Meanwhile, we get a look at the continuing exploits of Corey's family and the professional child-catcher, Mr. Putman
Dad: YOU MAKE MONEY OFF OF LITTLE KIDS YOU MISERABLE JERK, YOU OUGHTA BE SHOT!
NC: How dare you try to bring our children back to us safe and sound!
NC (voiceover): Then they partake in some REALLY stupid car scenes that remind me a lot of an old Dukes of Hazzard episode.
Parody of the Dukes of Hazzard, using footage from The Wizard, labeled "The Dorks of Hazard"
NC (voiceover): (mimicking Dukes of Hazzard announcer) Now them Duke boys had better plug in their Game Genie or look up some cheat codes! Cause there ain't NO way they're gettin' outta this one with all their lives.
NC: Nintendo. It makes you wanna crash into people.
Fake ad screen again
Announcer: Now you're playing with vehicular manslaughter.
NC (voiceover): So to get ready for the tournament, Jimmy has to study as many Nintendo games as quickly as possible. While playing they also enlist the help of a Nintendo Power Hotline.
NC: God bless you Nintendo. Helping kids cheat the right way.
Dad: What a compliment.
NC (voiceover): While that's going on, Mr. Putman finally locates the kids, outside the swimming pool at a local- WAIT A MINUTE! What the hell?!
Zoom in on an old man in a speedo, standing in frame
NC (voiceover): Who greenlighted the old man in a speedo?
Mr. Putman: I've been followin' you across two states-
NC: No no no no no no, I'm sorry, I can't focus with an old man's BUTT cheeks hanging out in the background!
NC (voiceover): I mean what were they thinking? Did somebody actually look at this scene and say:
NC: You know what's missing here? An old man's package. That would really add some much needed drama.
Nick: That's disgusting.
NC (voiceover): And if you think this movie can't possibly get anymore uncomfortable, just listen to this:
Hailey: AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! He touched my breast!
NC is shocked
Mr. Putman: I touched her breast...she doesn't have any breasts.
NC is even more shocked
NC: Nintendo. It makes you wanna touch children.
Fake Nintendo ad again
Announcer: Now you're playing with pedophilia. ...And that's just wrong.
NC (voiceover): Corey's dad and brother aren't far behind when they come across a guy wearing Jimmy's hat.
Dad: Where'd you get that hat?
Guy: Couple kids...they owed me some cash.
Lucas: (overhearing) Hey! I'll tell ya where they were going.
Lucas holds up a magazine advertising the competition
NC: Lucas! ...Darling...
NC (voiceover): So the three kids make it to the competition that's held at the OTHER shameful plug in this movie, Universal Studios, where they come across some very strange adults.
Sign-up worker: Playing Ninja GaiDEN! HAI!
Competition Host: Come up here, my little beauties!
Sign-up worker: MOVE IT MOVE IT MOVE IT!
Host: Get to your stations!
NC: You know, I think I finally figured out the main problem with this movie: All the 12 year olds act like 30 year olds, and all the 30 year olds act like 12 year olds! It's like a topsy-turvy world that only Hollywood's limited understanding of reality could give us.
Mr. Putman: Ahahahahahaha, that's very funny.
NC (voiceover): While there, they come across an old enemy.
Lucas: Hey, it's the wizard!
Lucas: I brought my friends too. I wanted to show them...perfection.
NC reacts as if he's been punched in the face
Lucas: I hope you don't get nervous like last time cause...we wouldn't want you to whiz on someone.
Hailey: Let's just hope it's you.
Lucas: Yeah yeah, look dorklips.
NC reacts as if he was knocked unconscious
NC (voiceover): Mercy Lucas, mercy! But as Jimmy enters the tournament, we find that he ACTUALLY does pretty good, and makes it to the final three, where they get to play a brand new game.
Hailey: A new game? You didn't say there'd be a new game!!!!!
NC: Nobody said this movie would suck either, life's a bitch, deal with it.
NC (voiceover): Later we find that Mr. Putman has made it to the tournament too. He almost doesn't spot them until somebody gives away their location.
Lucas: They're down there..OVER THERE! Hey!
NC (voiceover): As we follow them for a chase slash promotional tour of Universal Studios, Putman finally traps them in the back of a storage room, just above the tournament. But the kids have an ingenious way to escape!
Putman: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!
NC: (mocking) What the...puh...an elevator? What will they think of next, phones? Horseless carriages? Automated mobiles?
Mr. Putman: I hate you!
NC (voiceover): So Jimmy makes it to the final round, where we find the mother of all brand new games is finally revealed
Super Mario Bros. 3 is revealed in a flashy, dramatic way with epic music playing
NC: HOLY FUCKING SHIT! SUPER MARIO BROS. 3! Don't look directly at it! It's so sacred it'll burn your eyes out!
NC (voiceover): So the game is quite literally on as Jimmy and Lucas go thumb to thumb in an epic battle for Nintendo godhood.
Corey: Come on Jimmy, score, score!
NC: Go Jimmy, go, go! GO GO GO! No Jimmy, no! Remember your training dammit!
Corey: You're gonna have to start over Jimmy, just stay calm okay?
NC: You can do it Jimmy, come on!
Corey: Find the warp, find the warp!
NC: You're falling behind, catch up, catch up!
Hailey: Get the star Jimmy, get the star!
NC: OH MY GOD!
Scenes of inspirational trainers/coaches from movies interspliced with The Wizard footage; Jimmy wins, everyone cheers, NC breaks down crying; Lucas sulks
NC: Don't worry Lucas, you'll get 'im next time.
NC (voiceover): So after he wins the tournament, everybody finally starts to head home. But Jimmy finds the dinosaurs that were in PeeWee's Big Adventure and has to go in. So why did Jimmy wanna go to California all this time?
Corey: It's all of us. I guess...he just wanted to leave her in a place where she was happy.
NC (voiceover): Wow. How phenomenally unsatisfying.
NC: I mean, how much more anti-climactic can you possibly get? If you're gonna have dinosaurs in a movie about Nintendo games, they better fuckin' eat somebody.
Step-dad: Would it do any good?
NC (voiceover): Bottom line? It's always more fun to actually play video games than it is to watch people play video games. And this movie is living proof of it.
NC: And on top of that, I think everyone's career actually got destroyed because of this movie, I mean look at the director, what did he move on to? Just directing the majority of all the Malcolm in the Middle epi...sodes... Okay, bad example. How about Fred Savage, can you think of anything that HE moved on to?
The Wonder Years theme starts playing
NC: Okay, okay. But I'm sure that Christian Slater kid never moved on to any kind of fame and publicity.
Christian Slater on a magazine cover
NC: Okay, Jimmy. The little prodigy in the movie. Surely spending your entire life just playing video games can't get you any kind of fame. Hahahahahaha!
NC looks at the picture, shocked, and dramatic music starts playing while he takes out a marker and draws glasses on Jimmy's face
NC: OH MY GOD!
An image of AVGN is superimposed over Jimmy
Same pan out as the end of AVGN Rant Part 2