The Worst Films of 2013 (Brad and Jake)
January 29th, 2014
Brad: Ready to revisit this?
Brad: [laughing] Thanks for the crickets, by the way.
Jake: No worries, brother. That was just for you.
Brad: There's still half of them left in that cup, if you want some. I might still have a leg or two stuck in my teeth, with a few popcorn kernels from last week's movie.
Jake: I could not eat a whole cricket, I am on a diet.
Brad: Now for our list of ten things we'd rather do than eat a thing of crickets.
Jake: Hold on now. At least five things I would rather do than eat a cricket. Like, my Top 5 isn't the greatest caliber of movies. I don't wanna watch any of my Top 5 again.
Brad: But you'd rather eat crickets than sit through the Top 5.
Brad: They were pretty bad. I mean, I don't know about Top 5 on my list bad, but yeah, when you start getting to the Bottom 10, that's when you start thinking, pondering, this movie or crickets.
Jake: Or crickets.
Brad: How did you really rank yours? Like, based on...based on anything, based on how much it pisses you off, based on...just kind of technical specs, or what?
Jake: From 10-5, I kinda did that as, "oh, I forgot that I saw these movies."
Jake: So they obviously didn't bother me as much, so those obviously made my bottom. And then the ones that are still actively in my head that irritated me, whatever the case may be, those were my Top 5. Like there's...two, three of these movies I completely...four of these movies I forgot I watched.
Brad: All of these, I totally remembered. In fact, it was pretty hard when I got at #10. That was pretty hard, 'cause mine is, I at least have to still be passionate about the fact that I didn't like this movie. There are some that are near the bottom, there are some that aren't even on the list that, by technically speaking, should probably be in someone's Top 3, but I at least have to, at this point, give a shit, still at least, by this point, has to somewhat piss me off in a way. And I've kinda just sorta stopped going by, ranking them by what pisses me off vs. technical means, and just gone with my gut, what feels right.
Jake: That's kinda ultimately what, that's what mine has been since we've been doing this. I mean, with me, there's been obvious #1's, like when I saw Smurfs, that was just obvious.
Brad: I'll say this, #1 on mine is obvious. It's gonna be obvious to anybody who is sitting here watching this what my #1 is gonna be. Really quick here...
Brad leaves briefly, turns on the light, then returns
Jake: Throwing a curve ball on mine.
Brad: I know, I'm trying to keep from looking. Your list is right there, and I'm trying to keep from looking down at it 'cause I wanna be surprised. Even though I know every single movie that will probably be on here, I just don't know the ranking of them.
Brad: What did you pick as #10?
Jake: #10, I picked... [posters appear briefly for each selection] To the Wonder.
Brad: That I had to remind you that you saw.
Jake: That's why I made that little disclaimer. I completely forgot that I watched that movie. It made no impact on me. Like...once I saw, once you sent me that text of the movies that I'd watched, like it [snaps fingers] dawned on me then, oh, shit, yeah, that's right, I did watch that. Now, if you were to ask me, "Jake, what happened in that movie?" I don't know.
Brad: We couldn't answer that five minutes after we watched it.
Jake: We couldn't answer that while we were watching it! What's going on in this? Ah...pretentious, pretentious, picture, picture, pretentious, done.
Brad: It was...
Jake: That's the abridged version, it was actually four hours.
Brad: For the one that was surprisingly under two hours.
Jake: Yeah, it was under two hours.
Brad: What I remember the most about To the Wonder is that honestly, I actually thought it was harder to sit through than Tree of Life, mainly, and here's why. Because when we saw Tree of Life, we saw it in a theater. We're stuck there, there's no way out, we are here watching this movie. Now, To the Wonder, we watched at home...
Jake: We watched at home.
Brad: ...where there's an endless source of things we could possibly be doing at that point.
Jake: All kinds of distractions.
Brad: Yeah, other than watching To the Wonder. For me, that totally made...it's not on my list, but that totally made it a harder sit-through for me, anyway.
- Poster of Tree of Life
Jake: They were both equally painful for me to watch. I'm not really the type to leave a theater early.
Brad: Yeah, me neither.
Jake: Just because it's a shitty movie. It's obvious we've been doing this crap for two years, or however long we've been doing this.
Brad: About two or three years.
Jake: Two or three years, and not a single time during the crap that I've seen have I walked out of a movie, though I got close. Like...Tree of Life, so much harder for me to sit through, and I think the reason was because I was stuck in one spot. Like, at least with To the Wonder, I could, like, kinda get up, move around, it's within the comfort of a home. But when you're in a theater, you can't really get up, move around, smoke a cigarette, do what the fuck ever. You gotta sit there in one spot, be quiet 'cause other people are watching it, even if it's infuriating you, watching what's happening on the screen. So, for me personally, Tree of Life was a little bit harder to sit through because I couldn't move.
Brad: I can see that, I can see that angle. Yeah, I totally can. Like, I've never walked out of a movie before, but I have, sitting at home, shut movies off plenty of times, not when I couldn't because we were doing it for reviews.
My #10, this was so hard because I saw quite... I saw quite a number of bad movies this year, and picking #10, oh, my God, was so goddamn hard because it is, what on the list? What am I putting on this list, and what am I giving a fucking pass to? So #10 on mine is Epic. That was the one. Goddamn it, that movie surprisingly pissed me off. That movie still pisses me off! We were out drinking the other night, and I was still pissed off at that fucking movie!
Jake: [laughing] You sure were.
Brad: Jesus fucking Christ! Epic, to me, honestly more so than Smurfs 2, represents so many things that are wrong with kids' movies today because Epic has far more ambition than Smurfs 2 did, but fucks it up with all the typical tropes that you see in fucking kids' movies! Whether we're talking about pointless celebrity voices, or...this movie, above all goddamn kids' movies I saw last year, would never let a moment happen. It would never let any kind of real emotion, real drama happen without those goddamn chucklehead fucking slugs... were they slugs, or where they snails?
Jake: "There's no shell over herre, baby." That makes them slugs.
Brad: Yeah, the fucking... "hang shell," "shell yeah," whatever the fuck they were saying, and mixed in with the horrible fa... horrible fucking father the girl had that the movie seemed to be unaware of this fact, and... I will admit, I will fully admit that I'm sure I was grumpier at this movie because we saw it early in the morning. But I still wouldn't have liked it, even if I saw it during my regular hours, I still wouldn't have liked this movie. Still might have even made it on my list, but... I'm not a morning person, and that was...those fucking slug/snail/slug shit was just too goddamn fucking much. That's my goddamn #10.
Jake: #9 for me was Monsters University.
Brad and Jake: The critically acclaimed one.
Jake: Well, fuck you, critics. I struggled with this. I didn't know if I should put it on my list, I still had two other movies to debate.
Brad: Is it kinda like me with Epic? Like, fuck, which fucking one is going on here?
Jake: I think the reason Monsters University made it on my list is because I got the goddamn pun shirt at the...fucking, at the end of the review.
Brad: So why isn't it your favorite movie of the year? You get a free shirt out of it, and it provides a solid mystery. We still don't know what "witch and famous" means?
Jake: That's a mystery I really don't wanna devote any time or attention to, Brad.
Brad: I searched, you're not gonna find anything. The only thing you're gonna find is that suburban mothers love that shirt. You're gonna find plenty of it at the school dance.
Jake: Ahh! Fucking "witch and famous," goddamn it. No context in that shirt! It just says "witch and famous"!
Brad: At least there's a broom on there.
Jake: There's a broom on it, in case you're confused on which witch they meant?!
Brad: It's about a famous witch, so obviously, it's a Goody Proctor shirt. I mean, it's pretty obvious.
Jake: Oh, yeah. It's so obvious! I don't know why the hell we didn't see that when we first looked at the shirt! You're a dick.
Brad: [laughing through above] What else happened in that movie? I mean, I didn't see Monsters University, but I watched the review, 'cause it had the shirt gag in it, so I had to watch it.
Jake: Ha ha, we're poking the bear, and it's fun! Assholes.
Brad: That shirt cost me fifty cents. That and the one I got for Irving, the African...urban bass, whatever the fuck that thing was. Ooh, a solid $1 purchase. What else happened in that movie? I remember you guys didn't like it, but...
Jake: Really, the reasoning why it wasn't liked, and looking at it now in hindsight, it seems kinda silly, but it is a little bit of a depressing children's movie. I have...I have to give it a little bit of respect in the sense that it did show that...the flip side to the "try as hard as you can, and you'll succeed" coin, 'cause Mike Wazowski, he was a bad man in school, he was. He tried the hardest, he busted his ass, and...sorry. Life's a motherfucker, ain't it? And then we move on. And while now, it's whatever to me, it's fine to see the flip side of the coin, at the time, it was...
Brad: The time you guys had to talk it out.
Jake: ...he's a little, tiny, one-eyed monster, he just wants to be the best, and he tries so hard, and no, we got John Goodman being a dickhead to him the entire movie. Like, college hazing, like, he's the popular one, and Mike's not. Mike's more the studying type, and then "opposite attracts" kind of thing, and the roommate, whatever. He's still kind of a dick. He's still that jock-dick type of monster, you know. The big man on campus, whatever that case may be.
So you still want to root for him, even though you know what's going to happen. He is not going to be the best scarer in that university. So you're watching this entire movie just feeling really sorry for him, basically. Because it's a prequel obviously. So we learn eventually, in the first movie, everything actually works out for Mike Wazowski. They learn humor is the best medicine, but they didn't know that at the time, so you're just watching this man go through college to not get, at all, what he wants.
Brad: Seems like, since it's a prequel too, you probably already knew how it was gonna end.
Jake: Exactly. You know what is going to happen, you know everything. We've already seen Monsters University, so that's kind of the problem with the prequel, especially since they chose that direction to go with, that they're in college. You know what's going to happen—Sully is going to be the head scarer, Mike Wazowski is just going to be his platform to let his friend succeed.
Brad: I'm just kind of done with Pixar sequels. Like...
Jake: Oh, come on, man, what about Jetsetter?
Brad: Well, that, I'm cool with. That's a spin-off.
Jake: That's my spin-off to Planes.
Brad: Which I would much rather have than the actual sequel to Planes that's coming out.
Jake: Wait, what?
Brad: There's a Planes 2 coming out. I'm guessing that they made it around the same goddamn time, because I don't see any other reason that that movie's getting a sequel.
My #9 is actually a three-way tie because they're the same goddamn movie. It's a tie between Movie 43, The Starving Games, and Scary Movie V. Now, you're probably wondering why these aren't higher on the list, because they're pretty legendarily bad, especially Movie 43. And by all means, if we're strictly talking, like, just on sheer movie value and, yeah, technical specs of the film, sure, they should be higher. But I'm not...I'm not in any way passionate about how much I hated these movies. These movies, I couldn't even get mad at myself when they were done. At this point, I've seen a hundred goddamn movies like this. Now, if these movies had come out ten years ago, yeah, I would've been a lot more pissed off at them. But fucking Starving Games, it's the same fucking movie as Meet the Spartans, Epic Movie, all of these. All of these, it's that again. Scary Movie V, what the hell do you think it's gonna be? Of course, it's fucking Scary Movie V. Sure, if this had been the beginning of this shit-parody trend, these would be farther up on the list. Same with Movie 43. Movie 43 is...all it is is just a bunch of sketches that are all one joke. That's it. One of them is Terrence Howard coaching a basketball team about how they should be good because they're black and...
Brad and Jake: ...the other team's white.
Brad: That's it. That's the entire joke through the... The Hugh Jackman one where he's on a blind date and he's got balls on his chin. That's it. That's the joke. He's got balls on his chin, which was done way better when they put balls on Butters' chin in the South Park episode. It's a constant reminder of other goddamn things you should be watching. Fucking Starving Games is spoofing...there's all you need to know about that. It spoofs the fucking "double rainbow" guy from YouTube and Annoying Orange. It spoofs Annoying Orange in the goddamn thing, I guess which must tell me I could be watching worse things. I could be watching Annoying Orange. Guess I'll keep watching Starving Games.
Jake: Guess I'll keep watching this fucking thing.
Brad: They're horrible. They're horrible examples of fucking comedy. They are. They were by and large some of the worst comedies of the year, and they deserve all the fucking flak that they get because they're continuing a trend that's goddamn awful. But they're about the twentieth version of several movies I've seen, which is why they're farther down than being higher up, because I've got to at least be a little more passionate than this about how much I didn't like them.
Jake: You've got a point. How many of these are you gonna see that are just rinse-repeat-rinse-repeat when you just don't give a fuck?
Brad: Exactly, and I gave them one slot because, 1., again, like I said, they're all three bad for the same reasons, but also, I'd rather that than give all three different slots to essentially the same fucking movie.
Jake: #8 was The Internship.
Brad: That caused you to, for the first time, burn your ticket. [Busts out laughs]
Jake: It did cause me to burn my ticket. That movie was so bad.
Brad: How much would you have flipped your shit if, when you burned your ticket and threw it out the window, a cop came up and gave you a ticket for littering?
Jake: Motherfucker! Here's one ticket for littering, here's one for starting a fire, here's one because I don't fucking like you, and here's one because you're watching children's movies as a 28-year-old man. Pay your fucking fines.
Brad: I seriously would've been like, "just give me those, I'll take care of them, buddy."
Jake: Would you please?!
Brad: That movie looked like ass. I didn't see it.
Jake: Even when Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn were doing their little buddy-tandem comedy thing back in...
Brad: '06, '07, maybe earlier than that.
Jake: Yeah, I was gonna say mid-2000s, late 2000s, somewhere in there, not terribly long ago. Let's say six, seven years roughly. This movie would've been bad by those movies' standards.
Brad: And I liked Wedding Crashers and a couple of those other ones.
Jake: There was Wedding Crashers, there was...
Brad: Starsky & Hutch.
Jake: Starsky & Hutch. I feel like there's more, but I don't give a fuck at the moment. But anyhoo, during that time frame where Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn were just making movies together, this movie would've just flopped then because it's just really fucking stupid. It's... I mean, the concept is that these two door-to-door salesmen are going to get a job at Google.
Jake: To get a job at Google, you have to be really fucking good, really skilled...
Brad: They are Noogles.
Jake: No, shut up. Shut up with the Noogles. In order to get a job at Google, you got to be extremely skilled. They're not gonna hire these two fuckheads from the street.
Brad: Who, according to the trailer, can't work a webcam.
Jake: They can't work a webcam, they don't understand this new-fangled Internet. It's literally...these...the door-to-door salesmen get fired by John Goodman—which is unfortunate, John Goodman was only in the movie for 35 seconds.
Brad: John G... he's on a movie on my fucking list coming up
Jake: I know! Come on, John! What are you doing?! So like, he fires them, they're fucked, and then one of them is, like, "well, I can get an internship at Google," and then, like, "hilarity ensues." The kids...well, the younger adults that they had working, that they showed working at Google are MTI grads, are incredibly skilled computer programmers, all the shit that it requires to run Google. You know, they pick the best and the brightest, not these two fucktards from the street. Their interview, they're spouting bullshit. Vince Vaughn is manipulating the conversation to where they don't actually answer the questions. Just bullshit is what it is. And they still get the fucking job, they're still completely in-fucking-competent at what they're doing, until at the end where...they bullshit some franchise or whatever. They win. Of course they fucking win.
But still...I can't make that jump of logic. I can't make that leap of faith, that Google, one of the more powerful countr...I'm sorry, one of the more powerful companies on the entire planet Earth, is going to hire these two fuckers who know nothing about the Internet or the fact that, when you're bullshitting somebody, they can pull up their phone, go to Google, search the actual answer, and say, "hey, you're a bald-faced liar. Here's the actual truth." That doesn't seem to...they don't comprehend that, and nobody really brings it up in the fucking movie! They do a couple of times, but that's it. Like, you would've thought that, on the goddamn interview, that maybe somebody would fucking fact-check. They're at Google! Google these fuckers' names!
Brad: A funny joke would've been, like, if everyone in the movie was using other search engines but Google, and pull it up on Bing, Yahoo, throw in AOL.
Jake: Yeah, I gotta check my AOL account.
Brad: Like, that would've been some joke.
Brad: All I remember is, from the trailer, was a lot of Flashdance references, which made me, like, okay, yes, I should watch Flashdance other than this movie.
Jake: Yes, I would love to watch Flashdance.
Brad: At #8, I've got Texas Chainsaw 3D
Brad: Dude, it sucked! I mean, it was kinda great in that it was the first video where the "Slaver Brian" joke popped up in, so I guess because of that, I'm glad...
Jake: See, it shouldn't even be in your list. That brought us so much joy.
Brad: Granted, if I'm basing this list on whether or not Slaver Brian got mentioned, there wouldn't be any fucking movie. That was the first movie we saw last year.
Oh, my God, this movie bills itself as the first "direct" sequel to Texas Chainsaw Massacre, which, 1., bullshit. And it doesn't even know that it takes place in... that the first one took place in '74. According to this plan, the events of the first film take place in the late 80s/early 90s, even though the poster says, "back in 1974," because a little fucking baby is found at the crime scene, which now suddenly involved twenty fucking people, at the end of the first movie, she's put into adoption. Twenty years later, the present...
This movie really confused a lot of us watching it. It seriously did. Like, I sat there, like, is this supposed to be taking place in the early 90s/late 80s, 'cause that would fucking make sense?! But every... you knew they were trying to bullshit us. This movie is not made by hardcore fans; it's made by people who have seen it, sure, but they're not hardcore fans because a hardcore fan wouldn't fucking make this goddamn movie. Every time it shows a date in the film, the date's obscured. A headstone from the characters at the beginning, the date's obscured.
Brad: Medical records will show everything but the year. It'll show the month and the day, not the goddamn year. And according to this movie, being a cannibalistic serial killer is way better than just being a vigilante. The villains in this movie are the vigilante cops who killed the family members at the beginning of this movie that picks up...that "picks up" from the first one. And the vigilante cops are the villains of this film.
Brad: They are the villains. This is the rest I'm gonna say about it. At the end, when he's facing off...when Leatherface is facing off against the fucking vigilante cop, his cousin, who's the main girl in the movie, throws in the chainsaw and says, "do your thing, Cuz." And he kills him, and the cop, the good? cop is like, "all right, take him back home, you keep an eye on him."
Jake breaks down laughing
Brad: This fucking happens in this goddamn movie. I'm dead serious.
Jake: "All right, little lady, you keep your eye on that boy. I don't wanna see him out in town causing trouble."
Brad: That's why she got the will to the house, is because the previous caretaker died and he had no one to look after him. Dude, it's fucking horrible. It's so goddamn bad. It's like two notches higher on my list than it was on Brian's. Brian's, it was only, like, #10.
Jake: Oh, Epic.
Brad: Nice. I concur.
Jake: I agree. It...was just really bad. Like, the setup to that, the fact that we had to watch that at the buttcrack of 10:30, which is early. Fuck you, there in Internetland. Just...everything, like, "hey, buddy, we're gonna go see Epic." Okay.
"Anyway, we gotta go see it at 10:00 in the morning."
Brad: We gotta see it with an audience, to get the full experience.
Jake: To get the full experience. And then we saw it, and...
Brad: ...and oh, no.
Brad: It was just what the longer trailers showed us it would be.
Jake: Oh, shit. And then you get into it. Like I said in the review, when I first, when I very first saw the trailers for Epic, I was a little excited because it looked fun, at least, you know. Because it had, like, they were just doing the cinematic shots of just going through the trees...
Brad: The music was good.
Jake: And the music and whatnot, and I was, like, okay, I can kinda get behind this. And then, here comes the second round of trailers.
Brad: How when they start talking.
Jake: How when they start talking and you start seeing a little bit more of the movie, and it's...there goes those expectations. Those were shot out. And then we get there and watch it. Boy! Boy, it was so bad.
Brad: I was shocked. I hate to repeat myself, but I was shocked.
Jake: Like, I knew it was going to be dumb. I knew it. [Picks up list] I know pretty much every movie I'm going to go see, besides maybe the one or two I get a year, are gonna be dumb. They're going to be dumb. There's a reason I'm going to go see this, it's probably not going to be good. So, like, every movie I go into nowadays, that's always in the back of my head.
Brad: This is gonna be stupid.
Jake: Yeah, this is gonna be stupid. Then that way, at least when it's good, then you're pleasantly surprised. At least I am, like, all right.
Brad: Like Frozen.
Jake: Yeah, like Frozen. I went in there, like, the short with the snowman and the ice, I was, like, this is gonna be so fucking stupid. Then I saw it, and I was very surprised. Very pleasantly surprised.
Brad: Me too. Which we saw in the morning at probably the same time we saw Epic, so that proves right there that there are more reasons that we didn't like Epic.
Jake: More reasons than the fact that we had to wake up at the buttcrack of 10:30! There are more reasons behind this, and it's... For me, it's, like, the slugs just made it so hard for me to watch this movie for exactly the same reason you said. It would not establish atmosphere, it would not establish the mood of the context of what's going on. So when something serious is happening, it would start to go serious for a second, and then it would cut to the slugs that would just say...something somewhat off-color. I'm not even gonna say fucking funny, because what they're saying is not funny, it's just awful.
Brad: Oh, look at my eyeballs.
Jake: Yeah, it's just...just off the wall. Like, okay, that's kinda out there. And it's, like, that was dumb. And then they try to take you back into the serious thing, but you're so gone from the stupid-ass slugs that they just end the seriousness right then and there, and then we just move on to the next scene. Let's do sad, slugs. Why are they sad? What are those slugs... okay, now we're on to a new emotion. Like, it jumps from all that, it doesn't establish anything, it's...it's a poor execution, and it's really because of those two characters. Don't get me wrong, there's other weak spots. There are other weak spots.
Brad: There are. Without those slugs...
Jake: ...it would've been tolerable.
Brad: It would've been medi... it wouldn't have made my list of the worst, if those slugs weren't in it. It would've, at the most, it would've been mediocre, probably, without the slugs. I mean, I wouldn't have loved it, I would've had other problems with it, the same ones that I do have with it other than the slugs, but... It really is just that one thing that really fucking pissed me off to the point of getting mad at it.
Jake: It's really what it boils down to, is that. It's so irritating to watch a movie... It's a movie, it's supposed to elicit that type of emotion, depending on the scene within the context of the film. So it's doing its job, it's supposed to elicit emotions from you, that's why we fucking watch movies to begin with!
Brad: Even the Gen...I love this movie, but even the Genie in Aladdin knows when to make a moment fucking happen. That's what good comic relief is.
Jake: That's what good comic relief does. It was a mediocre-at-best children's movie that was even further demolished by the fact of those comic-relief slugs that just take you out of the entire movie every time they're doing something stupid, which turns out is the whole movie.
Brad: And they should've been replaced by, what was the one thing that we liked? Wasn't there, like, a pimp frog in it, or something like that?
Jake: Yeah, Gangsta Frog.
Brad: Gangsta Frog. Why wasn't fucking Gangsta Frog in the rest of it?
Jake: Gangsta Frog ended up, like, he was in it for, like, three minutes.
Brad: And he just left. Bring that guy back! I kinda liked him!
Jake: That was Gangsta Frog. I remember Gangsta Frog.
Brad: Oh, man, my #7 is fucking Lone Ranger. That was hard to sit through.
Jake: Why didn't you like Captain Jack as an Indian?
Brad: That was... I have a lot of problems with this movie, I don't know if that was the worst thing about it, but there were so many awful things about this goddamn movie. My problem with Tonto in it, it's not really so much how he's played or even that it's Johnny Depp playing him. Yeah, he's wacky in it and slapsticky. I mean, he's not doing a Captain Jack impression, he's just playing another quirky character in another Bruckheimer/Gore Verbinski movie.
But 1., the fact that they made him the lead in it, in The Lone Ranger, he's the lead in this fucking thing. The movie bookends with him. It's him telling this story, it's pretty much his point of view. The plot itself is ripped off directly from Who Framed Roger Rabbit? And the Lone Ranger himself is the biggest ninny of an action lead I've seen in goddamn years. The fucking kid from Cop and a Half is a better action hero than how they've written the Lone Ranger in this film. He's the biggest puss...I not...I like Armie Hammer just fine. I'm strictly talking about how this character is written, because this is exactly how the character is written, as just the biggest pussy you've ever seen in your... Klinton Spilsbury from the 80s version was better than this, and that's... he was so bad, that's literally the only movie he's been in, and he had to be dubbed by James Keach.
And also, it's two and a half goddamn hours long. It's too goddamn fucking long. It got interesting in the last twenty minutes, when there was a big train chase action sequence that was actually pretty cheesy and jovial and fun and energetic...two hours into the goddamn movie when this happens. Earlier in the movie, there was slapstick that was going on concurrently with a genocide. Like, it was weird. And then there's—God bless him, he was the best part of the goddamn movie—there's Bill Fichtner, who's...even in a big piece of shit like this, he's amazing, even in a fucking Disney movie, literally rips a guy's heart out of his chest and eats it. I'm in the theater, like, WOW! Okay, Disney, it's that kind of Disney movie, huh? Let's bring back some Temple of Doom-PG. Fuck yeah.
Jake: About time!
Brad: That was just so whiplash in this movie, 'cause at least fucking Temple of Doom is consistently dark. It, honestly, was too goddamn fucking long, so fucking tedious, it was a chore to sit through. It is a prototypical, modern-day, Hollywood, over-budgeted train wreck, that's what this fucking movie is. I wouldn't like it's...I don't wanna say it's like the Waterworld of its time because I like Waterworld; and plus, movies are so expensive nowadays, we have a new "Waterworld of its time" every fucking year. So...stay home and watch Waterworld, that's basically what I'm saying. Stay home and watch Waterworld.
Jake: Just put on Waterworld.
Brad: Just fucking put on Waterworld. It's expensive, but it's fun. This movie's expensive, and is a literal goddamn fucking train wreck.
Jake: R.I.P.D. Waste of motherfucking time. That still irritates me.
Brad: That's the one I'm the most apologetic for.
Jake: That was the one where I was doing you a solid. I don't remember who was supposed to see that.
Brad: It was, there were, like, three movies that night.
Jake: Oh, that's what it was.
Brad: It was, like, six of us were at the movie theater, and you really did me a solid for that, and it just happened to be a piece of shit.
Jake: Just happened to be just... oh, it was so bad. It was MIB with ghosts, without any of the MIB charm. It...there was no charm in this, even... It was movie #2 of Ryan Reynolds that I saw.
Brad: Oh, okay, I remember the other one, all right, all right, yeah, yeah.
Jake: Yeah, it was movie #2 of the Ryan Reynolds movies that I saw. At least this one was better than the other Ryan Reynolds movie I saw.
Brad: Was...how was Kevin Bacon in this? He was in none of the trailers...
Jake: He was the bad guy.
Brad: I knew he was the bad guy. I remembered you guys talking about that in the review, and Kevin Bacon was actually in the trailers for this thing.
Jake: You probably would've went. It's Kevin Bacon.
Brad: Kevin Bacon, Jeff Bridges? All right. Apparently, that did not save this goddamn movie.
Jake: It really didn't. Like...Jeff did all right, I guess, but his character just kind of...grates.
Brad: Was a little too much?
Jake: Grates after a while. He's one of those...he was like an over-gung ho 1980s cowboy.
Brad: Oh, like an 1880s...
Jake: An 1880s, excuse me, 1880s cowboy.
Brad: He was the Urban Cowboy?
Jake: He was the Urban Cowboy. Wrong cowboy. I meant the 1800s, my apologies.
Brad: Just an old-timey, western gunslinger?
Jake: Yeah, who's just brash and, you know, yee-haw kind of, which is fine, but he was too over-the-top, and he was too over-the-top too many times for it to be an enjoyable type. Does that make sense?
Brad: It makes senses, and...I love Jeff Bridges. Jeff Bridges alone can save a movie. I kind of got that vibe from that trailer, when I saw the trailer.
Jake: He's phoning it in a little bit. He was having fun, but not that much fun. You know? And Ryan Reynolds was, like...
Brad: Ryan Reynolds?
Jake: ...like Ryan Reynolds.
Brad: He...you know, I don't hate Ryan Reynolds.
Jake: I don't either.
Brad: Man, he can't catch a break.
Jake: He really can't. He really cannot catch a break, the poor man. I like him. I loved him in Van Wilder, that's kinda what made me fall in love with him to begin with.
Brad: Van Wilder, Smokin' Aces...I know there's some other ones.
Jake: I heard a little bit of his standup when he was doing that, back before Dane Cook just completely took it over. Fuck you, Dane.
Brad: He has good comedic timing.
Jake: He really does, and I don't mind him at all, I really don't. Bring a friend with you, Ryan, the next time you're looking over a script. Like that good friend that'd be like, "nooooo." It's okay to turn down a paycheck every now and again.
Brad: Between that and the Green Lantern...
Jake: Green Lantern and...[looks at list] staring at the other one. Anyhoo, the movie itself, it's a colossal waste of motherfucking time.
Brad: You correctly predicted it, too. In the video, Jillian, at one point, said, "you know, we just gotta wait if the sequel comes out," and you just cut her off, like, "no, no, there is not going to be any sequel to this. There's not gonna be any follow-up, any fucking spin-off." It was one of the biggest bombs of the year. Like, it cost over $100 million 'cause every fucking thing does nowadays, and it didn't quite match that.
Brad: I've got, as my #6, Hangover III, with John Goodman. That's the John Goodman one on my list.
Jake: Oh, John Goodman, come on, man.
Brad: Hangover III sucks. Like, okay, it is technically more well-made than Movie 43 and those other movies that I mentioned. This one's higher on the list...it just annoyed me so much goddamn more. Goddamn it, it pissed me off so much more. I can...as bad as those other comedies were, I can—in all three of them, quite honestly—at least think of a moment where I could've gone, like, heh. This did not even have that. I did not laugh once in this goddamn thing. God bless the aud... we saw it, it was a packed house when we saw this. God bless the audience, you know? They had fun, they had the time of their lives. They were litera...they literally laughed at every joke, and beyond that, were laughing at parts that weren't jokes, that were not intended to be laughing moments in the movie.
And Brian and I did almost get our asses kicked.
Jake: Yeah, I heard about that.
Brad: 'Cause we were sit... [loud, fake laughing] Honestly, we weren't laughing any differently than anyone else were in the theater. It got to the point where we were kinda fake-laughing, that's how we sounded. But a couple of the guys behind us, I guess, were kinda like, "yeah, I don't think that laughter is genuine, bro!" Cause apparently, the fake joshes sitting behind us is gonna dump a fucking Coor's Light on our heads. So they didn't say anything to us.
Jake: [laughing through above] Just tell me that's what they said.
Brad: Apparently, like, not to us, they said it to Lettie. Not to Lettie, Lettie just overheard it. 'Cause when the movie ended, Brian and I were, like, fuck this, and we walked out. Lettie was behind us, and she... I think Brian and I went to the bathroom and she just overheard, like, "oh, they think they're really fuckin' funny. I don't think their laughter was fuckin' genuine, bro! They sounded like they were faking it. I don't know, man, I don't know. What do you think? What do you think, bro? What do you think? You think they genuinely thought the Skittles joke was as funny as we did?"
Jake is laughing his ass off
So it gave us a good story, quite honestly. And we got done with the review, and Lettie was like, "I think I see their truck still over at the goddamn...I think they're waiting for us."
Jake: Hey, bro! Hey, bro! We're here to talk to you about that ingenuine laugh, bro!
Brad: Bring it over! Bring it over, bro! We're gonna have a cold one and I'm gonna tell you exactly why you're wrong about this movie! Brewski?
Jake: No, I'm good.
Brad: Apparently, they were still parked at the other end, but we couldn't fucking see anybody, so I don't know if they were, like, jacking each other off. I had no fucking idea what the fuck what was going on in the corner of the goddamn parking lot. They stayed. We were like, I don't know, maybe we should leave. And then we took off.
Jake: In their defense, they're in the parking lot afterwards, right? You were also in the parking lot afterwards.
Brad: Yeah, but I'm not waiting to kick someone's ass!
Jake: How do you know that's what they were doing? Maybe they were doing a Bro Review, all right? Maybe they were doing a Bro Review.
Brad: Oh, my God, I hope so.
Jake: Like in their big-ass dually truck and they were doing a Bro Review of The Hangover III. We just haven't found it yet.
Brad: Oh, I'll fucking look for that thing.
Jake: Hangover III: Bro Review. Yo, bro! Yo, bro! Hangover III. Tits, bro!
Brad: I would watch that.
Jake: I would watch that in a fucking heartbeat!
Brad: I would be, like, you know what? They had a good time. For people that like Hangover III, it exists for...to go to and have a good time. I so fucking didn't at all. I did not laugh once, I thought it was poorly written, I thought it was poorly structured, completely goddamn unnecessary. If you're in that audience and you had a good time, then clearly you had a good time. I will not take that away from you. Go for it, man. It's all yours. You're much nicer to me than the Man of Steel crowd was.
Jake: You pissed those comic book nerds off so bad!
Brad: Well, I gotta save it 'cause I'll be getting to that in a little bit.
Jake: Yeah, Turbo. [singing] The snail is fast
Brad and Jake: The snail is fast
The snail is fast
The snail is fast
The snail is fast
Jake: That's all I fucking remember.
Brad: Why the fuck didn't that get a nomination for Best Song at the Oscars? I know it was on the shortlist for it.
Jake: The "snail is fast" song? That is what our music has degenerated to?
Brad: Well, it didn't get the nomination.
Jake: The fact that it was considered, and all it is is saying, "that snail is fast," over and over and over again. This is where our...the music? This is what popular music is, this?
Jake gives the finger
Brad: But you get to listen to the song...
Jake: Over and over again to the same stupid beat!
Brad: And it tells you exactly what the movie's about.
Jake: It's a fast fucking snail.
Brad: That movie was dumb.
Jake: It was really dumb.
Brad: It didn't make mine, 'cause I left that theater just kind of, like...yeah, it was pretty bad. It was dumb and whatever, but...I don't know. There was nothing about it that really pissed me off or offended me like that, but it was...oh yeah. It wasn't easy to sit through.
Jake: Actually, now that...
Jake looks at his list again
On second thought, I love this movie!
Jake: On second thought, this movie was great! I'm sorry, I was... Ryan Reynolds was the voice of Turbo, wasn't he?
Brad: Oh yeah, he was Turbo.
Jake: I thought so. Back-to-back, well done, Ryan.
Brad: Again, better agent, man.
Jake: Come on, man, it's okay to say no. Are you hurting for money that bad? I got twenty bucks.
Brad: Yeah, you don't have to do Turbo.
Jake: You don't have to do Turbo or Warm... not Warm Bodies. You're not in that, you dodged that bullet. Or R.I.P.D., is what I meant to say.
But as far as Turbo is concerned...[searches for it, but has nothing to say]
Brad: The snail is fast.
Jake: The snail is fast. I literally remember nothing else about that movie, other than "the snail is fast."
Brad: I remember the tagline: "He's fast,...
Jake: "He's fast, they're furious." I remember that. Uh...yeah. The concept was dumb, the angry race between the snail and that...
Brad: Oh, I forgot about that. He was trying to murder him...
Jake: He was trying to murder him, the snail. This just got really fucking weird now.
Brad: I don't think you can kill the other contestants.
Jake: Yeah, he actually is a contestant now in this make-believe world where snails can drive Indy Cars or race cars...NASCAR, whatever the fuck it was, who cares? Fast cars. Yeah, he just genuinely starts trying to kill Turbo. What's Turbo's real name? I remember that kid.
Brad: There's the kid in the audience that said, "why are they..." Theo.
Jake: Theo. That's what it was.
Brad: "Why are they calling him Theo?!"
Jake: "Why are they calling him Theo?! His name's Turbo!" I agree with you, kid. The marquee says Turbo. Why are you calling this little prick Theo?
Brad: Remember we walked in there, the kid's, like, "wow, are you guys here to see Turbo too?" Yeah, we are.
Jake: We are, little man. We sure are.
Brad: He obviously recognized us.
Jake: Look, I'm just trying to do my job for the review. I'm not here to do autographs or sign anything. You're in the age bracket of my fanbase a-fucking-pparently.
Brad: Wow, Angry Jake!
Jake: Wow, you are eight years old! You should not be watching those reviews, kid. Every fucking con, my biggest fanbase are eight-year-old boys. Like...wow.
Brad: I've had that. There was one con, an eight-year-old came up to me and said, "Cinema Snob? Oh, my God, I love E.T. the Porno." Like, at least with you, you're talking about kids' movies.
Jake: I'm talking about kids' movies, so yes. But after about ten minutes into any of my reviews...
Brad: Fuck! Fuck!
Jake: ...after I say, "fuck," about 455 times, right around there is where it should be, all right, you know, maybe as an adult, as a parent, you should stop that.
Brad: If my mom asks me if I wanna see Turbo, I'm gonna say, "fuck no, bitch!"
Jake: I'm gonna say, "fuck you, you dirty skank!"
Brad: And Turbo, it just wasn't funny. Like, at the end of the day, that's what that movie was.
Jake: At the end of the day, it was a failed project. It wasn't funny, it wasn't endearing, it wasn't charming, it wasn't cute, it was...it was a paycheck. It was another one of those...
Brad: It was a dumb idea movie. Let's think of the stupidest fucking thing we can think of, and make it animated.
Jake: Let's make it animated. A snail wants to be a race car driver, fucking make it happen.
Brad: Yeah, we'll give it a celebrity cast for no goddamn reason, we'll throw references to Fast and the Furious in there.
Jake: A bunch of people who don't need to be in this.
Brad: My #5 is Paranoia. The Harrison Ford Paranoia.
Jake: Oh, man, Paranoia made my #1, but I liked the Harrison Ford one.
Brad: Man, that fucking movie! I can't even say... the movie was... it was a corporate espionage thriller about cell phone companies. It was like The Departed if The Departed weren't about gangsters, but about cell phone companies! That's the goddamn fucking movie!
Brad: Yes! It's fucking Liam Hemsworth gets in trouble for taking the business company card out and having a party, so instead of arresting him, Gary Oldman, who is his boss at a large cell phone company, hires Liam Hemsworth to go undercover at the competing company that Harrison Ford is running so that Liam Hemsworth can find out what their brand new phone is so that Gary Oldman and his company can release it first. And it is fucking deadly. Like, they send, like, hitmen after him, there's gunfights, shootouts. When he sneaks into the fucking com... the building at the end to break into the vault to find the cell phone, it shows the security guard saying, "we need to take him down at all costs."
And it's serious. It's played serious. This is not a comedy, it's not self-aware in any way, shape or form. It is the single dumbest thriller I've seen in fucking years. Like, this... if this... okay, first of all, it plays like a fucking movie that would've come out in the mid-90s, along with, like, The Net or Johnny Mnemonic or something like that. But those movies are way better than this goddamn fucking thing, and those movies are dated as shit! This movie...this movie has no goddamn fucking excuse at all. And Liam Hemsworth as the lead is so goddamn terrible that they have to surround him with one of the best supporting casts I've seen all year—Harrison Ford, Gary Oldman, Richard Dreyfuss, Josh Holloway, Julian McMahon plays the hitman! What the fuck?!
Brad: I was the only one in that theater for the first half. After about 45 minutes, this old lady walked in and sat down and just played on her phone the entire time. I'm assuming she was just waiting for another movie to get out, but fuck. I had to see two movies that day: it was Paranoia, instantly followed up with Mortal Instruments: City of Bones. This movie was even worse than that. At least Mortal Instruments was kind of hilarious. This was...man, I cannot believe this movie was released in theaters. Like, there's...it's insane that this movie got released in so many goddamn theaters. It didn't even cracked the Top 12 at the box office. This thing bombed as shit.
Jake: Free Birds. Now, the reason why Free Birds is #4. Two reasons. 1., that movie was stupid. Like, wow. Like, I was watching it, like, this is, even by stupid kids' movies, this is atrocious. The issue I have is the fact that Woody...
Brad: Woody Harrelson.
Jake: Woody Harrelson, his character's name is Jake, which I talked about in the review. A young male turkey is a Jake; an adult is a Tom.
Brad: I honestly didn't know that until this movie.
Jake: Well, a lot of people didn't. I educated a lot of people that day.
Brad: I learned something after watching that review.
Jake: Here's the second reason why I don't like that movie, and it coincides with a State Farm commercial that I also don't like anymore. The character's name is Jake; there's a State Farm commercial that involves a character named Jake—Jake from State Farm. Everywhere I go where I have to put my name down, like... for example, I grabbed some McDonald's before I came over to do this. I drove inside because my window doesn't work in my car. So I go inside and place my order.
"Can I have your name please?"
"My name is Jake."
"Oh, you mean Jake like State Farm?"
Brad: I don't even know that commer...you know, I'm sure I've seen it.
Jake: It's the khakis one where the dude's talking on the phone to somebody, the wife interrupts and grabs it.
Brad: Oh! Oh!
Jake: And he's, like, "I'm talking to my State Farm agent."
Brad: "She sounds sexy." That one?
Jake: No, "she sounds hideous." That commercial.
Brad: Oh, I didn't realize his name was Jake.
Jake: "Jake from State Farm." People say that little thing all the time.
Jake: All the fucking time. And at this McDonald's that I was at right before I got here, the little 18-year-old girl who took my order who was flirting with me [quick with the guns], like, she did that "Jake from State Farm." Ah, you're sweet. Shut up and ring up my food. So she did her thing and I laughed it off. I'm the guy, I'm that one Jake from State Farm, that's me. Filled up my goddamn soda. Oh sorry, didn't fill up my soda 'cause they didn't give it to me. Stepped away, they brought my food up. The lady who was bringing my food up looked at the ticket and went, "'Jake'. Oh, you mean like Jake from State Farm."
Brad: Wow! I had no idea this was that popular of a character.
Jake: Apparently, this character is the shit. I don't know, I don't get it. That commercial and that movie are doing the same things because there are people who have seen Free Birds, and I'm, like, "hi, my name is Jake."
"Oh, you're like the big turkey from Free Birds."
No, not like the big turkey from Free Birds.
Brad: You must love Free Birds. That sucks.
Jake: It really does. I had to be the Smurfs dude, I had to go through the Madagascar fucking thing!
Brad: I recognize you!
Jake: You're the Madagasc... fuck. Like, the Angry Jake thing I kinda adopted as my own, that's fine. I don't mind that. But the fucking Smurfs Jake, that irritates me; Madagascar Jake, suck my dick; now I'm getting "Jake from State Farm" and Big Turkey. "You're like that big turkey Jake." Come on! Like, Jake has been one of the most popular boys' names since the year before I was born. 1984, I believe it was #1; the year I was born, it was #1. It was the #1 boys' name for a long fucking time! I am not the only goddamn person who is named Jake on the fucking planet, people! I'm not! Sure there's a lot of us!
Brad: John Wayne made a movie called Big Jake.
Jake: Big Jake! Hell yeah! Why don't we ever call me that?! "Oh, you're Big Jake." Hell yeah, like John Wayne! Exactly! No, it's Jake from fucking State Farm or Big Turkey Jake!
Brad: Big Turkey Jake, wow! Jesus Christ! Obviously, they don't know you if they're calling you that to your face.
Jake: Wow, you're lucky I don't feel like going to fucking prison then.
Brad: That sucks.
Jake: You're lucky I've calmed down in my old fucking age, or I would've choked the shit out of you.
Brad: That movie looked like... when I saw the trailer for that, I... It was kinda like when I saw the trailer for The Nut Job, it was like, I don't know, it could be really bad, but...
Jake: I'm just gonna go ahead and stop you right there. It was bad. There are ways that you can tell, at least I personally can tell, by looking at the trailers, besides, you know, there's been a few that I've mentioned that, you know, flipped the script on me, whether it be negative or positive. Usually on a kids' movie, you can tell, like, on that first trailer, the first teaser that they give you, whether or not you think you can at least sit through it. And when I saw Free Birds, the concept of two turkeys going in time to stop the first Thanksgiving so they don't serve turkey. They didn't serve turkey on the first Thanksgiving, so it makes... and they had that disclaimer. They actually had to put the disclaimer before the fucking movie started! It was like, "hey, this isn't historically accurate." Well, no fucking shit! "Are you guys getting mad because this is not historically accurate? This is just supposed to be a movie." But you don't send the turkeys to go back in time to stop something that never fucking happened! At least other time-travel movies, there's a reason why they go back in time! You know, at least the reason makes sense. These turkeys wanna go back to stop the first turkey from ever being served on the first Thanksgiving, when the first turkey was not served on the first Thanksgiving. There was no turkey involved!
Brad: Now they serve pizza, right?
Jake: Yeah, it's fucking pizza! We all... that's great. So now on Thanksgiving Day apparently in this new fucking universe, if this were to have fucking happened, if these two jackass turkeys went through history and fucked everything up, now that means not only do I have to fucking work on Thanksgiving Day, that means I have to deliver a bunch of fucking turkeys some goddamn pizza! It's really going to piss me off!
Brad: My thing too was, like, oh great, so we're eating for Thanksgiving what I have, like, once a week. Great.
Jake: Yeah. Woo!
Brad: And my thing was kinda like, when I saw the trailers, of course, I was, like, well, that looks stupid. But, like, and it was kind of the same with The Nut Job too. If it really kind of embraces how dumb it is and plays off of that, I don't know, maybe. Nut Job didn't do that, I'm guessing.
Jake: Free Birds did not pull off the tongue-in-cheek humor because there was no tongue-in-cheek humor. Like, in Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2? Love that movie. Yeah, I'm aware it's full of puns. There's puns every 45 seconds in that movie, they are hitting you with puns, but they are incredibly aware of the fact. They're very self-aware of what they're doing, which immediately makes it, you know, more humorous for me because, like, they're kinda making fun of themselves and the entire thing while they're still making an entertaining movie. It's a little difficult to do; Cloudy did it well. No. This one took itself too seriously...in the sense that a kids' movie can take itself seriously.
[Looking at list] I just realized this is Owen Wilson number fucking 2 that's on my list. I just realized that too. [Gives the finger] Fuck you, Owen. You don't get the same nod that Ryan Reynolds gets. I still like Ryan. Still got hope.
Brad: There's still a little bit of a twinkle there?
Jake: He's got that movie. He's got that movie. Just hold onto Ryan. He's gonna make that movie where everybody falls in love with him again. He's got it coming. I believe this. I know this is going to happen. Owen Wilson? No.
Brad: You don't think it's gonna... I don't know, he still has Wes Anderson to fall back on.
Jake: [after a good laugh] Yeah, I guess.
Brad: All right. #4, I've got...okay, all right, all right, here it comes. It's fucking Man of Steel.
Brad: Do I even have to fucking say anything? It doesn't matter what I fucking say. The really, really hardcore...and I'm not talking about the entire fanbase. I'm talking about the really hardcore people who've already made up their minds what I'm gonna say.
Jake: Oh, en masse, too.
Brad: Yeah, and are gonna tell me where I'm wrong, what I'm wrong about based on points I didn't even fucking make about the goddamn movie! What do you want me to say? You want me to say I hated it because I saw it at fucking midnight? You want me to say I hated it 'cause apparently I thought it was gonna be the Richard Donner movie? You want me to say I hated it because it was dark? None of those fucking things are goddamn true. Here's why I didn't fucking like the movie.
Okay, first off, I don't have a problem with the fact that this movie is dark. I've got nothing against a dark Superman. I don't. I'm not a hardcore comic book guy.
Jake: Actually, I can get behind a dark Superman more than I could a movie involving what the population...what the general population thinks of Superman. The 1950s...the boy scout. No, I want...it's gotten to a point where we're like, all right, Superman, it's time to get dark again. You know, like, snap. You know, like you did in comic books, try to blow up the planet, have Batman punch you in the mouth. You know, I'm cool with that. Superman is fine when he's dark. I actually prefer Superman when he's dark because, to be honest with you, the comic book character Superman? I fucking hate him. I hate, hate Superman.
Brad: I don't have any hatred for Superman, but I'm... It's not like it's... I have no hatred for him, but it's not like it's something that I hold dear to the extent to where I'm instantly upset when something different happens. That's certainly not the case at all. I think you can have plenty of room for interpretation on...most things, quite honestly. I have no problem with the fact that this movie is dark.
And in terms of the whole Superman killing a guy at the end of it, my issue with that isn't necessarily that it's showing Superman killing somebody, because again...I'm not hardcore into the comic books. Fuck, I mean, my favorite Batman movie is '89 Batman, where Batman is essentially the Punisher.
Jake: He really is.
Brad: I love that shit. I'm sitting there in the theater as a kid, like, "so Batman killed Johnny Gobbs."
Jake: So Batman is killing people now?
Brad: Chucked him off a roof, all right.
Jake: I can get behind that. Let's do this.
Brad: So it's not that, it's how it was done. It's how it was written. I like movies about characters, I like movies with some kind of soul, some kind of heart, and I've seen other Superman movies that do that w... Even the bad Superman movies, there were still characters, there was still some kind of a soul to it. In this one, you could just write... This movie has the characterization of a two-paragraph synopsis. We know she's Lois Lane because she's called Lois Lane; we know he's Clark Kent 'cause he's called Clark Kent; we know he's Pa Kent 'cause that's what they fucking call him, even though I've got some issues with that particular character. Again, not because it changes anything, just 'cause it's how it's interpreted. Here's a guy who's saying, "I don't know, maybe you should've killed that bus full of kids."
And the Lois Lane stuff, it's just...and the whole movie is exposition. That's it. It's an entire movie of exposition dialogue where no one is allowed to be an actual goddamn person, an actual fleshed-out, three-dimensional fucking character. It's all about exposition, it's all about what is the next fucking action sequence that's gonna happen. And then when it is, that entire ending...have you seen the movie?
Brad: Okay. The entire climax is how not to do that kind of sequence, which was straight-out disaster porn. I'm sorry, that's wha... This is a movie where Superman flies a dude into a working gas station that blows up.
Brad: Look the scene up. Seriously, just look this scene up. I've had people say, like, "oh, no, the people could've left the gas station before that happened." No. Look at the fucking scene. They fly at that thing like a bullet out of the fucking... where no one would've seen them coming, out of the fucking bru... out of the fucking fields, crash into this thing, and blow it up. Like, Superman is flying... he just does not give a shit about collateral damage in this fucking movie. He gives no fucks about col... I'm sorry. That's where this mo... no, the movie lost me way before then, but in this kind of... No, I'm sorry, I'm not buying Superman doing this shit. I'm not...this is too much of a leap even for me, even for me when I've seen Superman deliberately, deliberately go into...go higher up into the sky to finish a fight so collateral damage is not caused. Like, I'm taking this away from... let's get this the fuck away from the city.
And no, you cannot convince me that the city was evacuated. You know how fucking long it takes to evacuate a goddamn city? No, I'm sorry. 100,000 goddamn people fucking lost their lives in that fucking shit.
Jake: Oh, at least.
Brad: And you can compare it to the finale of The Avengers all you want. No. Just because it worked in one movie, does not mean that it's automatically gonna work in one movie. And in The Avengers, they were containing that shit. They were working together to make sure that the things...that the kind of shit that happens in this movie was not going to happen. This movie has an open-mouth kiss in a crater that used to be a goddamn city.
And in terms of Superman killing a guy at the end of it, here's where it loses me. It's not that he does it, okay? Because I know you already have your pre-written-out, "oh, but he did it in the comics." Okay, first of all, he did it in the comics. I've seen a Batman comic where Batman turns into a three-year-old kid. You gonna tell me that would've worked in The Dark Knight? Well, Dark Knight Rises.
Jake: Yeah, you could have little three-year-old Bane.
Brad: Okay, that would've been something in that movie.
Jake: [as Bane] I'm gonna take your toy, Batman.
Brad: You deserve a spanking, Batman. Fuck. This movie's stupid.
Jake: No, no, no, no, I'm really getting behind this Batman.
Brad: Goddamn it. The Dark Knight Trilogy did the equivalent of Emo Peter Parker dancing.
So when he killed...it wasn't...again, it was how it was written. If he wanted to kill somebody, fine, just write it well. In this fucking movie, it's...if he's gonna kill him... He kills him so essentially, he doesn't kill four people that are standing in Union Station in Chicago. I've seen the exact spot where this is. In the movie, these characters easily could've just ran out of the way, Superman easily could've put his hand in front of the dude's face to block what he did. And if he was gonna kill him in that instance... I was sitting there, I wasn't mad that he killed somebody, I was mad he didn't do it sooner in order to stop him from killing millions of people that he does in this movie.
Jake: That is actually the reason why I don't like Superman, even as a concept of Superman. Here's why I don't like him. There's been two reasons, at least in my personal history, why I don't like...never liked Superman. #1., I always felt like Superman's powers, to me, is the equivalent of playing with a really bratty kid when you're young on the playground. All right? And I'm gonna give you a sample. Let's say you're...pretend gunfight, right? Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew! He is that kid that, when you go, "pew! I got you."
"Nuh-uh, because I had this invisible blah-blah-blah that shielded me."
And you're like, "okay, well I did this."
"Nuh-uh, I have..."
Superman is that nuh-uh kid. Superman has laser beams, super hearing, super intelligence, super strength, super dick, super every...just everything about this motherfucker is heightened. Everything! And his only vulnerability is a little shiny rock, which is kryptonite. Fine, that's great, but unless you have this little rock that's from a planet that doesn't exist anymore, he's a god. He is a fucking god, is what he is.
And he's arrogant. He's extremely arrogant. He just comes across as the boy scout. "Oh, I'm just here to help." No, you're not, you fucking prick. You're an arrogant asshole, and I'm gonna tell you why you're an arrogant asshole. Superman...he thinks he better than everybody else.
Brad: Well, when I've seen Superman do well in movies as a character, it's because he's written...not that he's not written...to be kind of what you said, even thought... I'm not pretending to be an expert on the character here, but when I've seen the character work, he works very well when he's riding off of charisma. Christopher Reeve's incredibly charismatic. I thought Brandon Routh was charismatic as the character. He was basically doing a Christopher Reeve impression, but I thought he did it well. Which is fine, he's literally playing the same incarnation as Superman. That movie had some issues, but other than that. You can make Superman work when you have someone really charismatic doing it. Someone who's charming, someone who can...easily kind of carry through the movie. This movie...well, not only did he have zero charisma to speak of whatso-fucking-ever—I don't know if that's because of the script or because of the actor, I don't know, maybe it could be a little of both, I don't know—but in this one though, it also came down to the fact that all of this is happening, all of these horrible things are happening is because Superman was sent to Earth. If he wasn't there, none of this shit would be fucking happening. Like at all, like, so many people would not be crushed under an entire flattened city.
All of that destruction porn in this goddamn thing was almost worth it for the part that—if it was self-aware, it's kind of genius, but I don't think it was because this movie's not that smart—when the girl wakes up and goes, "thank God, Superman, you saved us." Really? Really?!
Jake: Oh, thank God, Superman! Thank God you were here to save us! Thank God you were here to flatten our city for us, you dick! Arrogant asshole! That's just always been my personal opinion of Superman as a a character. I haven't seen Man of Steel. I really have no reason to.
Brad: It is, by far and away, my feelings of the movie aside, it is, by far and away, the most polarizing... Really, one of the most polarizing movies I've seen since doing this site, in terms of comic book movies, by far. Way more than Dark Knight Rises is this movie...
Jake: I do remember the comment boards being lit up.
Brad: I know. I kinda love Man of Steel now. That video got crazy hits. The most commented-on video I've ever done.
Jake: Really, my favorite movies that we end up doing, that we end up watching, that we end up reviewing, are the ones that, for better or for worse, piss off or delight our audience so much that they're just compulsed to go to the boards, because God bless each and every one of you. Some of you just come up with some of the goofiest, funniest goddamn comments I have ever read before in my life. Like, when you guys start going just...with that fearless keyboard warrior mentality, like, "I can say whatever the fuck I want because I'm behind a computer screen." When you guys get that kind of just ballsiness going, you say just some of the most terrible, hurtful, horrible things to, like, us and other people. But it's so terrible and horrible that, goddamn it, I can't help but to laugh!
Brad: Same here! Like, I can take it. Like, you and I are both the same way.
Jake: You are not going to hurt my feelings.
Brad: We've all gotten annoyed by some things on there, each and every one of us, but overall, like... When we did the Man of Steel re-review, it wasn't out of anger, it wasn't out of spite, it was done because, hey, we want in on this. We wanna troll too.
Jake: We're not gonna let you fuckers have all the fun.
Brad: Look, we say horrible shit on here all the time, so it's only fair honestly.
Jake: Yeah, if someone's allowed to say horrible things...
Brad: Right. I'm not...when I go through and read... dear God, that was the most vitriolic board ever. It got the most comments, it got the most...wow! Like, I got death threats over that. That whole month was like riding a hurricane. Jesus Christ! Over that?!
Brad: You know what, the movie's yours. If you're that passionate about it, if you love it that much...
Jake: We're not here to take that away from you.
Brad: It's yours, man!
Jake: Like, a lot of people don't understand that. Like, when we're doing these reviews, we're not here to take these movies that...[holds up list] let's say you liked some of these. We're not here to take that away from you whatsoever, we're not here to take away whatever moviegoing experience that you have, even if we're poking fun at it, 'cause this is... this is all satire. This is supposed to be comedy. We're supposed to be making you people laugh. We're not actually that terrible of human beings. All right, well, I am, but everyone else is pretty much normal.
So, like, I know personally that I've said some things doing these that are just...wow. I know I have. I know I have.
Brad: We all have.
Jake: So because I don't really watch a lot of the videos because I don't have a computer. I watch all my shit through the Playstation, so it doesn't play Blip, but I can read the comments. The comments tell me pretty much how the movie went. And like, when I went on Man of Steel when you guys put that up, I was like, "all right...400 comments...oh YES! This is gonna be great!" Just going through here, it was like, death threat, death threat, death threat. Thank you.
Brad: Perfect. That's why we do this shit.
Jake: Exactly why we do it. Like, when that one dude kind of lost his shit about me...Chris Connelly.
Brad: "Hey! Hey! Jake is angry too! That means that I should be allowed to send a death threat e-mail message and call people Nazis!"
Jake: I didn't say anything bad about it. I wasn't even involved in the conversation that was going on; I was just brought into it. God, shit like that, it is so fucking funny for me. It brings me just so much joy.
Brad: I love giving shit, I love giving shit, I love taking shit, I give shit on the comments, I give shit on the videos, but you don't do it unless you have a sick thrill about it, quite honestly. Yeah, sure, you get annoyed by it; everyone does. I've seen some stuff that annoys me. My thing, like in terms of Man of Steel. If you're gonna yell at me for not liking it, at least yell at me because of an actual reason I didn't like it. Granted, of course, the fake reasons are pretty funny. You get some good mileage out of that, but come on. Don't be Josh Hadley.
Both start laughing throughout below
Jake: Don't be FJ's out there, all right? No more FJs going on out there.
Brad: Do you wanna take a break?
Brad: We'll take a break. We'll be right back.
Jake: We've got the Top 3.
Brad: Welcome back to Hour 18 of our annual, 24-hour...
Jake: ...24-hour Worst-Of list.
Brad: Worst-Of Telethon! That is not a bad idea.
Jake: That is a terrible idea, Brad.
Brad: [looking at the cat] Look, we were joined by Lloyd.
Jake: We're joined by Lloyd. Lloyd, you gonna say anything?
Brad: The one time he's silent. He doesn't even wanna look at us.
Jake: You look at this list. Look at it and be ashamed of me.
Brad: What are we at? #3?
Brad: What do you got?
Jake: Uh...I got Planes. Oh wow.
Brad: You just found out they're doing a Planes 2.
Jake: I just found... why? Why?
Brad: It's like Planes: Fire and Rescue, I believe. I saw it on IMDB, and much like the first one, it looks like something that should be direct-to-fucking-video. I can only...I mentioned this a little bit ago... I can only guess that they were made concurrently with each other or back-to-back. I didn't even know that movie was that big of a fucking hit.
Jake: I saw it. There's no way in Hell that movie was a hit. It just wasn't. It was... Just watching it, it looks like a direct-to-DVD movie. Not as bad as, say, Oogieloves, but still very obviously just should've been a direct-to-DVD, like an obvious spin-off from Cars. And they didn't my Jetsetter idea.
Brad: No, they decided to do Planes 2 instead of Jetsetter.
Jake: Fucking assholes.
Brad: What did you end up thinking was worse: that movie or Cars? The Cars movies?
Brad: Planes was worse?
Jake: Oh yeah.
Brad: I didn't know if the Larry the Cable Guy factor would...
Jake: I'm factoring that in. The first Cars, too much Larry the Cable Guy, but it still was...it was all right. I've seen it, it wasn't bad. The second one, ho boy. That one was a train wreck. Way too much Larry the Cable Guy. They made the entire movie about him. He just wasn't a strong enough or a good enough secondary character to warrant that.
Brad: This was Dane Cook?
Jake: This was Dane Cook as the plane, the crop duster...
Brad: With the heart of gold?
Jake: With the heart of gold. Just had that heart of gold, never say die. Oh, God...that...just...everything about that movie.
Brad: Just a punch to the gut?
Jake: It really is. Like...
Brad: Did it look like something that shouldn't be released theatrically? Did it look and feel like a direct-to-video movie?
Jake: Very much.
Brad: Which I read that...it seems like I read where that was the intent in the first place. But I was wondering if that was the vibe you had watching the entire movie.
Jake: Yeah, yeah, it was very much the vibe. The vibe wasn't as strong as it was for Oogie.
Jake: Well, that's a whole 'nother ballpark of bullshit. But with that being said, like, for a spin-off, Planes was still pretty fucking terrible. You know, it's like the Joey spin-off from Friends. Like, no. Just no.
Brad: That's the place. Move to LA to become an actor. He's there with his nephew, the kid from Road Trip, and Adriana from The Sopranos, for some reason. Man, I'll be at the second one with you this year.
Jake: You gotta make sure you watch the first one, or you're gonna be lost.
Brad: Oh, like I was lost in Smurfs 2?
Jake: Dude, you didn't watch the first one. You had no idea what was going on in that one. Planes was just...everything about that was just stupid. You know, they had more underwater scenes with cars with breathing apparatuses. It's just that little shit. Like, he's flying this cross-the-world race, that's what the big race is, one of those endurance flights. And he's flying over the ocean, he gets stuck in this terrible storm, and there's, like, this huge row of waves and whatnot, and he gets swallowed up by one of them. Luckily, someone finds him and pulls him out. Then, like, when they go under, they're wearing...just, like, a breathing tube. Why? Just why? Which...no, just why? At least, the only thing that Planes has to go for it is, at least nobody died like they did in Cars 2. Those fuckers just straight died in that one.
Brad: [*explosion*] Falls off the pier.
My #3's got death in it. My #3 is The Host. That was the night everyone lost, 'cause that was the night that Dave and Brian were at Tyler Perry's Temptation. The Host was...nothing...there was nothing that could've prepared me for that. Absolutely nothing, and I've seen all the Twilight movies. On Midnight Screenings, I've seen every single goddamn one of those things. And...no, The Host was, like, a whole other level of bad. Like, it was, I don't even know how to describe it. It's a post-apocalyptic movie that makes the argument that, yeah, the human race should've been wiped out. And completely unintentionally too, because, holy shit, are the aliens much better human beings than the actual people in this. This is... It has the same kind of shit that I've seen in other Stephenie Meyer adaptations in that, you know sometimes she creates interesting worlds. Say for instance, Twilight, where you had, like, Civil War zombies at one...not zombies, vampires at one point with...what's his name, Harpo's backstory; and the one girl who was, like, a bride, and on her wedding day, was...I don't know what came first, the Kill Bill in terms of the book. It was like a Victorian Age revenge story, like, with her on her wedding night getting killed, and then she's a vampire, comes back for revenge. Like, that's just a five-minute backstory. I'm sitting there, like, this is way more fascinating than every fucking thing we've seen in this.
And then you have this movie, The Host, that has these aliens that you probably could've made an interesting story out of, but it's a movie about a girl who's arguing back and forth telepathically with the alien who's taken over her body, and her real subconscious is fucking arguing with her because she's jealous that she's kissing her fucking boyfriend! That same fucking tweenybopper romance shit! I don't get... It's like having Nicholas Sparks write an adaptation of Blade Runner, like it makes no goddamn fucking sense, that this shit is... I'm twenty minutes into this goddamn thing of her audibly yelling telepathically at the alien girl, "hey, no, you stop that. Icky, gross, that's my boyfriend." I lean over to Sara 'cause I know, of course she's read it. I lean over, that's why she was there. I leaned over to her and I'm, like, "is the book this goddamn stupid?" And she's, like, "not this stupid."
The only relatively intelligent thing about that goddamn movie is that the aliens—who, by the way, are defeated at the end because they're massaged out of people's necks with the power of love. Like, they're gently coaxed out of a slit in the back of their neck, and they're these little jellyfish-looking creatures. That's how the fucking human race is saved at the end of the goddamn movie.
Jake: You're telling me, as a massage therapist, I have the power to save the human race? You motherfuckers think about that.
Brad: Yeah, if it's gonna be a Stephenie Meyer apocalypse, then yeah.
Jake: I have the power. I have the power in a Stephenie Meyer apocalypse to save every single one of you. Now the ball is in Jake's court.
Brad: That wasn't the... the one kinda clever thing—it wasn't that—but the one kinda clever thing is that when the aliens took over, they totally get rid of any kind of product placement or brand names, so, like, when they go to the store, it's just, in big bold letters, STORE.
Jake: Oh, that's cool.
Brad: Like, it's that all over the place. You can make interesting satire there, but sorry, I'm too busy finding out about this tweenybopper love triangle with a fucking alien! That was...that movie was insufferable
Jake: Did they show the boyfriend putting the girlfriend in the closet and beating the fuck out of her?
Brad: That's what I fucking mean! Everyone in this colony who this alien goes to are beating the shit out of her! They try just up and drowning her at one point! It's made clearly obvious she doesn't know what's going on. It's not like they're doing this to a killer, she doesn't know what's going on. That's what I mean. Like, this movie is providing no argument for the human race 'cause they're all just sociopaths. They're all straight up fucking murderers, and more so than the aliens, who are, by all accounts, genocidal, and they're the second-worst things in this movie. That is it. Yeah, that was The Host. And I haven't seen Temptation, but I would rather... If you were to ask me if I wanted to sit through Temptation or I wanted to sit through The Host again, I'm gonna watch Temptation 'cause at least it's undiscovered territory.
Jake: [after a good laugh from both] Well, you got a point there.
Brad: What's your #2?
Jake: I don't really wanna see either one of those, to be completely honest with you. Let's see. My #2 was Smurfs 2.
Brad: Why? We got naked in that video. That video trended on Blip for, like, two months.
Jake: Yeah, I know. Well, it was by far the sexiest Smurf review on the Internet, I'm willing to bet.
Brad: By far.
Jake: By far. I mean, doing the review was all right, but the movie itself was... oh wow. Just, wow. It didn't make me as mad as the first one because they made the first one a second time.
Brad: Yeah, that's on my same fucking logic with fucking Movie 43 and Starving Games and that shit.
Jake: Yeah, I wasn't as upset or as angry after Smurfs 2 because I saw Smurfs, and effectively speaking, they made the exact same fucking movie. Really the exact same movie. Only difference is that the three Smurfs that get teleported into the real world are two different than the first... one different than the first one. I think. No, first one's... yeah. First one was Functional Retard Smurf, Grumpy Smurf...
Jake: Papa Smurf. This one was Functional Retard Smurf, Grumpy was there again, wasn't he?
Brad: Yeah, I think so.
Jake: Grumpy was there, and then Vanity.
Brad: Oh, yeah, Vanity, and don't forget about Jillian Smurf.
Jake: Oh yeah, Jillian Smurf.
Brad: Jillian Smurf was in this. She wondered why she kept getting so many emails after we reviewed.
Jake: I can't help it, the evil Smurf looks like Jillian. It was Jillian Smurf. I'm so sorry, I mean that with all the love, but it looked exactly, exactly like Jillian. Holy shit, it's Jillian Smurf.
Brad: It was totally, 100% Jillian Smurf. That movie...
Jake: That movie, technically speaking, was...bad. The concept of it, the humor, the comedy, the timing, the pace, everything about this movie was just off. Everything about it was just bad.
Brad: And the ill... some of the ill-placed puns in it... I don't have the hatred for puns that you have, but in this one, when the duck is freed... no, the duck is freeing other ducks from the restaurant so they don't get eaten, he's referred to as Martin Luther Wing. Martin Luther W... yeah. That's right up there with that Oogieloves with that...J. Edgar, the Hoover vacuum.
Jake: God, I forgot about the Martin Luther Wing comment. But... boy... really just don't like that, which is now going to be a three-part. I don't like this trilogy, Brad. I'm already on Movie 2, and I don't think I'm gonna be a fan of this overall trilogy.
Brad: That's all right, the kids need their own version of The Hangover Trilogy, in terms of quality.
Jake: And watching the same movie three times in a row.
Brad: Yeah, they're giving it another one, even though... I guess it made its money back. I don't know that it made nearly as much as the first one did, but it must've fucking made enough to where they're giving it another goddamn sequel.
Jake just sighs
It was funny seeing Hank Azaria on The Daily Show promoting this, because that was when Jon Stewart was gone and John Oliver was sub-hosting. And John Oliver, I believe, was Vanity. He's one of them, I believe he was Vanity. I think he was Vanity. He was one of them, anyway. Hank Azaria was there to promote Lovelace. That was my favorite movie of the year. He was there to promote Lovelace, and at the end, John Oliver says, like, "and both of us are in Smurfs 2 together. We're both in the movie." He goes, "Lovelace, it's great, it's fantastic. Haven't seen Smurfs 2, but I assume it's also great." And Hank Azaria, literally, this is his reaction, he's... [turns his head around as if struggling to say it...] "okay, sure."
A good laugh is had by both
Jake: Goodbye, Lloyd.
Brad: Sorry, Hank.
Jake: I love you, Hank.
Brad: He was in Lovelace, though, so that is cool.
Jake: He was in Godzilla; that's what makes him cool too.
Brad: Oh, yeah, he does have that great scene in Godzilla where he flips his shit out 'cause he was this close to getting squashed underfoot.
Jake: Hell yeah! I love that Godzilla
Brad: I defend that movie.
Jake: I defend it, too.
Brad: I'm gonna lose some fucking people on this one, but I don't give a shit.
Jake: Whatever. That movie is a guilty pleasure. It really is. I love that movie. It's so stupid.
Brad: It's a terrible Godzilla film, but I can easily watch that as just a movie that's a fucking monster in New York tearing shit up. I can watch it because of that. If you take Godzilla out of it...hell, even if you factor in the continuity of Godzilla: Final Wars and just consider Zilla, and not Godzilla, there you go. All right. It's a movie about Zilla.
Jake: Whatever. It's still a monster destroying New York City. I just... I can get behind that.
Brad: It's got a scene where they use gumballs to make the little ones slip and fall on their asses. Like, I can't get mad at that.
Jake: How can you get mad at this?
Brad: I can't fucking get mad at that. I can't get mad at the fact that, throughout this whole movie, they kept losing him.
Jake: It's a fucking giant lizard, like, as tall as a skyscraper, and they keep fucking losing him! Or her, technically.
Brad: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right. 'Cause there was that stupid joke about it, about how it reproduced and shit. Yeah, that's one I can watch. Terrible Godzilla movie, but I can watch it. I probably lost so many people on that one, but I don't fucking care. You've seen how much I like fast food, I like some garbage. That movie...
Jake: That movie is garbage that I like.
Brad: Yeah, that movie is garbage that I can have every once in a while.
And my #2 is just trash, is just garbage that is just a sack full of fucking shit that I'm not gonna go anywhere fucking near. Now Godzilla is kinda like, it's fast food garbage. I don't mind putting that in my body, I know it's gonna kill me someday. But this movie is just the garbage that some asshole threw a carton of fucking cyanide in, and I don't fucking... It's fucking Grudge Match.
Grudge Match, that's my fucking #2. Just... [takes cap off and hits himself with it] There, that's my fucking review of the goddamn movie. That was me sitting through that goddamn thing beating myself in the head with my own fucking hat. Grudgement Day. It's fucking Grudgement Day. Okay, it wasn't goddamn funny. This is the kind of goddamn movie that has a running gag in it about a character whose name is BJ. [Fake stupid laugh] Has a running gag about a character whose name is BJ, and then it has this stupid little kid moment where he wonders why the name is so fucking funny, and they tell him it's because it means Butterscotch Jellybeans. So, "oh, Daddy, I hope I have fifty of those when I get older."
"You're gonna need to get a little older for that one."
So he can get chocolate wasted. I hated everything about that goddamn movie. And honestly, synopsis-wise, I don't think it could've been that bad if they had a fucking smart person fucking behind it, writing the script, directing it, whatever. You could've had a movie about two aged boxers who come out of their retirement. And okay, sure, one of them is Stallone; sure, one of them is Robert De Niro. You didn't need an entire goddamn movie reminding us of the better boxing movies that they were in. That's this whole fucking movie. He's fucking drinking eggs at one point. Alan Arkin's, like, "oh, that looks gross."
He's fucking in the freezer, he's gonna punch meat, "oh, we're just here for breakfast." Then what the fuck are you doing in the freezer?! And...turns out Stallone is blind in one eye, which...that fight would not happen because of that, but anyway. So when he gets cut at the end, he's, "it's okay, this time you don't have to cut me."
And then fucking De Niro is just eating and drinking throughout 'cause he played Jake La Motta.
First of all, we already wrote this goddamn movie!
Jake: [finally laughing] I was about ready to say that we wrote Grudge Match when we were in high school! Our version was much more hilarious!
Brad: Our version was darker. Our version was much darker.
Jake: Raging BS, that was the name of the movie.
Brad: It was called Raging BS, and we fucking wrote this movie as a class project. We didn't make it 'cause we didn't have time, but we wrote it.
Jake: It was actually for my film class. It was for the film class that I was in. We filmed, like, a half a scene maybe.
Brad: We filmed one scene. The movie was about... it was spoof. It was a spoof. This movie's not a spoof, it's just trying to be cute. The one we wrote, it was like a 15-minute spoof that was about a group of Rocky guys, fans of Rocky, and a group of Raging Bull guys. They were debating on which was the better movie, so they were gonna settle it in the boxing ring. So they each trained via what their movies were like. So the Rocky guy is actually training, he's talking like Rocky, and he's doing the things Rocky did; and meanwhile, the Raging Bull guy just makes himself fat and starts beating his wife. Just a little darker than Grudge Match.
Jake: Their training montage is ...I don't even remember who the hell we were gonna... oh no, it was me. I was the Raging Bull guy. All of my scenes were in black-and-white, and all of my training montages involve me, like, eating a bowl of cereal and watching TV.
Brad: A hock of big turkey leg.
Jake: A big turkey leg, sleeping, eating shit while we had a female actress, like, acting like my wife, which I would occasionally beat. And then I think one of the training montages was playing Punch Out on the Nintendo while...
Brad: Eating pizza, a waffle sandwich, or a Jimmy Dean pancake-wrapped sausage on a stick. All your shots were in black-and-white, and you just punch this girl, and then the Rocky guy's, like, "oh, that's your sister, man."
And it ended with the fight that just turned into, like, the ending of Blazing Saddles where they all just start running down the street.
Jake: We started running down the street because other professional boxers in this scenario showed up to, like, I don't remember why.
Brad: I remember why. It was because fanbases from other boxing movies showed up. Like, there was a group of girls who were huge fans of the movie Girlfight. Some other boxing movies too. Like other fanbases show up, so it was this rumble that ended with them just running down the street in pandemonium basically. Your character gets trampled over, and then the script...
Jake: Here is how I'm supposed to act when I'm in one of Brad's scripts. Literally, this is what it said when I read it. "Raging Bull Guy runs away. Raging Bull Guy gets trampled. He looks dead."
Brad: That was it!
Jake: That was it! Next scene. I was, like, "whoa, wait, really? This is all I get."
Brad: And then it ended. The last part of this was Ryan in his office. It was Ryan in his office.
Jake: With, like, a smoking jacket.
Brad: Smoking jacket, pipe, and he's looking out the window where all of this is going on down the street, like, it shows everyone running by. Ryan's in his office, he looks at the camera, and says, "and as it says in Isaiah..."
Jake: What we did was, like, we opened the Bible, and we just picked, "bam! Say this one." And like, what's really funny about that is that the random one that we picked out of the Bible... it actually was kind of appropriate to what we were talking about.
Brad: It had the phrase, "be strong," and it was from Isaiah, I think. Suddenly, the movie just turned... It was not genuine, it was us being assholes. It wasn't being genuinely religious, it was just us being smartasses. And that's how it ended, with him reading.
Jake: The opening shot of this entire movie, when we were doing the opening credits, was going to be, like, I drop a leaf over where we had this, like, bicycle trail. There was this old, cool-looking wood bridge. I remember what we were going to do. I was going to drop a leaf, and in the black-and-white, the boom was just going to slowly follow the leaf as it fell. As he was zooming in on it, it was just a tumbling little leaf until it landed into the water, and it just said "Raging BS." Oh, my God, that was a funny, funny project.
Brad: Way better than Grudge Match. I need to ask Ryan if he still has that script.
Jake: Oh, God, I hope so. I also want my copy of Boggy Creek.
Brad; That's the short movie that I'll bug Ryan about and see about posting online.
Jake: That one actually ended up being my film project, was Search for Boggy Creek.
Brad: Oh, yeah, yeah, that was what we replaced it with. I'll see if that one's still around. I'm sure Ryan has it.
Jake: I'm sure he has a VHS copy of it somewhere.
Brad: Well, here we have...what we're gonna do right now is look at ones that didn't quite make the cut before we get to #1. Before we get to #1, we're gonna name a few titles just really quickly that just didn't make the cut, but goddamn it, still sucked. Which ones do you have?
Jake: I have Oz the Great and Powerful. It was just poor execution. I just couldn't get behind that movie at all. The Franco Smile the entire time.
Jake: This one probably should've made my list. I made this, like, thirty seconds before we hit record. Warm Bodies. Looking back on it, I would take Monsters University out, put Warm Bodies in because the zombie apocalypse is not saved by the power of love.
Brad: It's not the aliens from...
Jake: Oh, yeah. No, it's not The Host. You can get behind those, those are aliens. Maybe they just don't know what love is.
Brad: Gently massage the zombies out of them.
Jake: But Warm Bodies.
Brad: You guys were pretty annoyed by that one.
Jake: The teenybopper, same style as Twilight, as Host, as any of that bullshit, just stupid masturbatory shit for preteen girls.
Brad: I've got on mine, just real quick, ones that you probably thought were gonna be on here, but aren't. After Earth. After Earth is not on here 'cause, goddamn it, me, Brian, and everyone in the theater just had a great time laughing at the movie. Like, everyone there knew that it was a piece of shit, we were all cracking up at all the stupid shit that happened, so I didn't regret that experience, so it's not on there.
Smurfs 2 is not on mine, even though it was vying for a #10 spot. It was exactly what I thought it was gonna be, and if this movie had come out later in the year, and I had a more recent memory of it, maybe it'd be on there. But right now, that movie is just in one ear and out the other for me. It was just what I thought it was gonna be going in. I'm not that passionate about how I didn't like it. It was horrible, it was certainly...it was less...filmmaking-wise, it was less fucking competent than I thought it was gonna be. Like, it did not look like a fucking movie or feel like one. That surprised me, but other than that, it was just what I thought it was gonna be.
You're Next, which is a movie that pissed me off. But I can say more good things about that than I can other movies on this list. It wasn't horribly made, some of the effects were okay, the soundtrack was fine. It had a really good lead character. The main girl in the movie was really fucking good. The movie was too goddamn in-jokey for me, I didn't think it did it well.
Only God Forgives, that's one people are probably surprised isn't on mine, considering how much it pissed me off when I saw it. But again, I can say better things about this movie than I can the movies that actually are on the list. It is well made, it's visually very striking. The music is very good, you can watch a select five minutes of this movie and think you're watching a pretty good movie. But altogether, it's so not.
And the other one is 47 Ronin, which, had I not seen Grudge Match directly afterwards, this might have been on my list. It probably would have, but Grudge Match really put what a true bad movie is into perspective. 47 Ronin is, along with The Host and After Earth, the three most uniquely bad movies I saw of the year, because 47 Ronin is... Keanu Reeves is Godfrey Hoed into the movie. He's not originally supposed to be in this. They just shoehorned him into the movie. 80% of the time, he's not onscreen with anybody. He's just there. It's crazy. Like, Pierre Kirby has more to do with Thunder of the Gigantic Serpent than Keanu Reeves has with this movie. And it was a $200 million disaster with a monster that look like the Bigg Mixx, but it was funny. This is ripe for a bad movie party, along with After Earth. So...it didn't quite make my list.
Brad: And now we're at #1. So what is your... what is your #1? I'm trying to guess and I don't know.
Jake: Walking with Dinosaurs.
Brad: Worst movie of the year: Walking with Dinosaurs. Don't tell Nick, you'll make him cry.
Jake: I fucking tried to tell Nick, you tried to tell Nick. Why am I doing this if no one is going to heed my advice?
Brad: Here's what happened. Do you want to tell the story, or should I? Since you saw the movie, or should I tell the story about what Nick did.
Jake: Nick decided to take his little boy out to go see a movie.
Brad: His first movie.
Jake: His first movie ever seeing in a movie theater, Nick was gonna go take him out. So Nick asks Brad: "hey, I'm taking my son out to see the very first movie he's ever seen in a movie theater. Should I go to Walking with Dinosaurs, or should I go to Frozen?"
Brad immediately said, "pfft, Frozen."
Brad: Frozen, dude!
Jake: Just hands down, Frozen. If he would've asked me, Frozen. I've seen both of them. Walking with Dinosaurs es no bueno. Go see Frozen.
Brad: Frozen is a damn good fucking movie.
Jake: Yes. Yeah, I really enjoyed Frozen. Motherfucker took his kid to Walking with Dinosaurs.
Brad: Why did you even ask me? That's seriously what I was thinking. He updated his Facebook about it with a picture of him and the boy in the theater. "We're at Walking with Dinosaurs." What the fuck? Why did you fucking ask me? He was, like, "oh, well, you know, dinosaurs, the kid liked it."
I'm like, Nick, you could've dangled keys in front of his face for 90 minutes, he probably would've liked it. You could've just at least given him a better movie to see as his first movie, 'cause in about 15 years, he's gonna be really mad at you for that.
Jake: He's gonna be incredibly pissed. Like, "you seriously took me to that garbage? The first movie I ever saw was Walking with Motherfucking Dinosaurs?" I'd be mad.
Brad: I had it easy with that. The first movie I was apparently in the theater for was National Lampoon's Vacation. Fuck yeah.
Jake: That's pretty awesome. I honestly don't remember.
Brad: I have no memory of that, but...
Jake: I was never told. I do know that the first music concert I ever went to was an AC/DC concert.
Brad: Mine was Huey Lewis.
Jake: Was it?
Brad: Yeah! Fuck yeah, it was Huey Lewis!
Jake: That's awesome. Yeah, my mom was eight months pregnant with me when she went to an AC/DC concert.
Brad: So it was...the voices were that bad?
Jake: Dude, it rips you out of it.
Brad: I knew bad, but worst movie of the year?
Jake: Look, bad voice acting is one thing. Having irritating characters is one thing. You know, like the characters... I like the dinosaur characters more than, let's say the characters I saw from...like the slugs, for example. But the slugs were supposed to talk. The slugs were supposed to talk. And the fact that they're comic relief, I'm okay if they have odd voices or maybe...you know, what they ended up being. Walking with Dinosaurs, when it was first pimped out, when the trailers first came out, there was no voice-over, period. There was none. There was a beautiful musical score, there was fantastic cinematography going, 3D looked great. Everything was just saying, this is the dinosaur movie. They have finally done it.
Brad: The movie they've been trying to do...
Jake: They've been trying to do for the past 30...20... however many years. Like, they're finally going to do it. And this is why I don't go into movies anymore with any kind of expectations. Because, like, I used to... when I pick a movie to go see personally, I'll still have expectations, you know? But when I get the phone call: "Hey, buddy."
Brad: It's always "hey, buddy."
Jake: "Hey, buddy." There goes my expectations. Like, this one, I maintained high hopes for this, like personal high hopes. Everybody loves dinosaurs. Everybody loves dinosaurs. And so I thought, you know, here it is, here is the dinosaur movie I've always wanted. Music, dinosaurs, tell me a story, great.
Then I got the second trailer, and that was the trailer where I was, like, "oh, no."
Brad: "There's me. I'm the runt of the litter."
Jake: "There's me. I'm the runt of the litter. It's hard being small sometimes."
Brad: [laughing] Shit!
Jake: God. Damn. It.
Brad: Poop shower.
Jake: Poop shower. And so, the second round of teasers that they sent out had the baby dinosaur talking. Showed some of the other dinosaurs, but only he was talking. They showed the bird, they showed his brother, but he was the only one who was talking. And in that trailer, halfway through it, they cut off all voice acting. All voice-over that is done, that is the "coming this..." That's the narrator doing that part. But even when...other movies have, you know, "coming this summer," there's still that talking going on. Like, they completely ended all voice acting in this trailer. Like, he was, "coming soon," but it was still music, pictures, dinosaurs doing dinosaur things. So, like, at that moment, like, I honestly have no idea now what the fuck they were doing. Is this going to have it or not? Please don't. Please, please don't. 'Cause those voice acting sounded horrible. Just horrible.
[Pounds hand] Fucking added it! Not only did they add it, they added just the stupidest what the fuck it was! They got the little baby dinosaur ends up being the narrator through the entire thing. He's the most irritating modern voice possible! Just possible! And then the older brother also talks in the movie. The older dinosaur brother who's just a fucking dick, don't like him, whatever. And then there's John Leguizamo, the Mexican bird. Those three people talk.
Brad: Was Justin Long one of the...
Jake: I don't know. I don't fucking know. I don't know. But when they start...oh, no, I'm sorry, there was a girl. The love interest. Like, when they start talking, it's so jarring to hear that coming from those dinosaurs 'cause it's all telepathic speech, of course. You know, their mouths aren't moving 'cause they made it with the intention of them not talking.
Brad opens the door
Brad: Hey, Nick.
Brad: Come here.
Jake: Yeah, get over here, you sonofabitch.
Nick: Hold on one second.
Brad: Get in here, we're talking about you. Come on, come on.
Nick walks in
Brad: Do you agree with Jake that the worst movie of the year was Walking with Dinosaurs?
Nick: What I saw, yes.
Jake: [handing the list over] It's my #1.
Brad: See, now you know what you should've done. You should've listened to us and gone and seen the snowman movie.
Nick: [throwing the list down and leaves] I should've!
Jake: You'll notice Frozen's not on my list. [Brad shuts the door] All right, get out now, we're done with you.
Brad: We'll take you to see Walking with Dinosaurs again in a minute. Don't let him lie.
Jake: But, like, the voices are so out of place and so, it's just so jarring to hear them.
Brad: 'Cause their lips aren't moving.
Jake: 'Cause their lips aren't moving, and the voices, they don't feel like they match the atmosphere that's being projected in the movie. You know what I'm saying? Like, it just doesn't fit. And that's what infuriated me the most about that movie, and that's why it's my #1. Because it genuinely, like, brought up old rage.
Brad: I can see that. Especially if it takes something that, regardless of that quality to it that's done horribly, it is doing it to a movie that otherwise probably could've been fine.
Jake: That otherwise would've been a fantastic movie. It would've been a really good... and I didn't even mind the fact that... they could've had narration. They really could've.
Brad: Oh, yeah, sure, like March of the Penguins.
Jake: Like March of the Penguins, but used somebody who's speaking like I am, in a normal conversational, you know, maybe try to portray some information or something like that, but not, "gee-willikers, guys! I sure wish I could play within your little group of friends."
"Well, you can't play over here 'cause I'm bigger than you."
Brad: "We need to make sure that Dinodolph can not play any more dinosaur games." [Both laughing] That was a stupid thing I just said.
Jake: It sure was.
Brad: They went for it like that. Remaking Rudolph.
Well, I don't even... Everyone knows what my #1 is. Everyone knows what my fucking #1 movie's gonna be. You probably know what it's gonna be. ["Eat Shit and" covers the first half of the title...] Yeah, it's fucking Die Hard 5. It's A Good Day to Die Hard. Saw it last fucking March or whatever, still the worst... The closest, closest I ever came to leaning over to Brian and saying, "do you wanna just leave?"
It was...I'm not even kidding. That was... I came this close. And then one of the motherfuckers in the movie said, "we need to get to Chernobyl." Well...let's see where this goes. It's gonna be bad. I wanna see what the journey's gonna be like, that apparently is only taking them a few hours to get to. To Chernobyl from fucking Moscow, wherever the fuck the movie started out.
This movie...I can literally say no good things about this movie. Not in the direction, 'cause it's fucking shaky cam shit, you can't tell what in the fuck is going on. Not in acting at all, this movie makes good actors look terrible. Like, I don't think Jai Courtney's that bad; he's horrible in this. Bruce Willis is not even trying. The script is nothing. The entire dialogue is just the father and son bickering at each other with father-son analogies. It's like someone took a couple of the father-and-son jokes from Last Crusade—which, in that movie, were funny—but it's like people took a couple of those and just decided that that's what the whole fucking movie is. Just that between the two of them. Like the bad guy's hugging his fucking daughter, and they're standing there, like, "why can't we be that kind of family? Uh, we're not the hugging family." That's it! The whole fucking dialogue is that!
And aside from that, even, like, just personally offending me as a Die Hard movie. Die Hard is...there's a reason it's called one of the greatest action ever made—'cause it fucking is. That movie is symphonic in how perfect it is as an action movie. And to have this? This... Not even looking at Death Wish, compared to Death Wish 5. It's not even that bad. Or...Death Wish 5 isn't even as bad as this fucking movie is. Like, the giant leap in quality is worse than that, is worse than... Going from Raiders to Crystal Skull, is not as bad as the leap from Die Hard and the leap to this.
Dear God, I made the fucking mistake of watching Die Hard right before I went to go see this piece of shit. I should've done what Brian did and watch it afterwards. Man, I wanted to cry because it's not even John McClane anymore. It's a guy who... The beauty of Die Hard, one of the many beauteous things about Die Hard is that it's a regular guy who's in the midst of this high-octane action sequence. Like, when he gets hurt, he's hurt. When he has to do something dangerous, he's scared. When he's on the roof at the end of Die Hard and is gonna jump off, he's, like, literally praying. He's legitimately scared he's gonna die, because he's not a cartoon. He's a real guy who's put in this giant action movie situation. Same thing in the second one, same thing in the third one, the fourth one got cartoonish, but... This movie, God, makes the fourth one look like the first one. This movie has him fucking dangling from a fucking semi truck that itself is dangling from a helicopter, that swings him into a glass fucking building that he just fucking brushes right the fuck off of him. Sorry, I've see... [looks down] Lloyd, don't eat the cord. Sorry, I've fucking seen what glass does to John McClane. He doesn't fucking brush it off.
So if you wanna see more about it, Film Brain is gonna be doing an episode on Die Hard 5. Watch that 'cause it's gonna be fucking beautiful 'cause he loves the first one as much as I love the first one. Fuck, even some other things on this. If you wanna see how much I hate Man of Steel, watch the Honest Trailers review of Man of Steel. Plenty more Die Hard 5 glorious bashing that'll coming up. That, by far and away, is the goddamn worst thing that I fucking sat through this year.
Jake: So that movie is one I should pick up, that Die Hard?
Brad: Oh, yeah.
Jake: 'Cause you know I haven't seen any of those, right?
Brad: Sorry, I'm just talking like, you know that scene right? I just spoiled the entire movie for you.
Jake: You're not the only person to spoil that movie for me. Like, it's one of those movies where people will start to talk to me about it, automatically assuming I've seen it.
Brad: You'll love Die Hard. You will fucking love Die Hard.
Jake: I have nothing against it, I'm just not the biggest movie watcher.
Brad: I've got movies like that that you'd think I'd have seen, but for some reason, I haven't.
Jake: Die Hard I've never seen, Aliens I've never seen. There's another incredibly popular one that people look at me like...
Brad: Seen Lethal Weapon?
Jake: I've...I missed the first one, but I got all the other ones.
Brad: Got you. Yeah, fucking watch Lethal Weapon. Shit.
Jake: I've seen the Lethal Weapons.
Brad: But yet you've seen Walking with Dinosaurs.
Jake: I've seen We're Back: A Dinosaur's Tale. I've pretty much seen any dinosaur movie that children watch. Just not Die Hard, not Aliens.
Brad: You would love Die Hard. Lettie hadn't seen...
Jake: Oh, Rambo! That's what it is. I have...I've seen the last one.
Brad: Oh, the new one?
Jake: Yeah, that's the only Rambo I've ever seen, period. Those are probably worth it.
Brad: Well, 3 is... Yeah, Lettie hadn't seen the original Die Hard. God bless her, of course she was with us at Die Hard 5 'cause Brian talks her into seeing all... She was at Die Hard 5, and she straight up didn't want to watch the first one. She's like, "I'm not fucking watching it." She's sitting there, like, "really? This is the fucking shit you guys have raving about?" And so Brian was, like, Brian's sitting there, like, "honey, do you think if the first one was like this, 1., it'd have sequels; and 2., that I would've loved it?"
Jake: That second part is very plausible with Brian. He got mad at me because I have yet to watch Executive Koala.
Brad: Oh, yeah, I'm surprised you haven't watched that one yet either. I'm surprised I haven't seen it.
Jake: I need to watch that with a group of people. Executive Koala will follow Blaxploitation Night.
Brad: Well, I'm gonna take a few hours and get this video rendered, get this bad boy posted so...
Jake: Yeah, hurry up so we can read all the comments, like: "man, I watched that for all three and a half hours worth. That was long!" You know, at any time, you could've hit, "I don't wanna watch this no more."
Brad: We'll get yelled at for the video. I think they've stopped yelling at us on my site for these videos being too long. On That Guy, we might.
Jake: Yeah, on That Guy With The Glasses, we might get yelled at. I get yelled at a lot more on That Guy.
Brad: I get yelled at on both of them. But at this point, on my site, you guys are just used to these videos.
Jake: At least when it's on your site, you know it's our fanbase, so you know... third year, second year, whatever we've been doing us. This is not the first time we've put out an hour and a half long.
Brad: This isn't my first time at a rodeo.
Jake: This isn't my first time at a rodeo, boy. They can go ahead and yell at us, I don't give a fuck. It's not gonna change anything. It's going to be a really long review. If you don't wanna watch it, then you're gonna be mad at the fact that I just told you now at the end of the review.
Brad: This is still gonna be really long, for those of you skipping to the end.
Jake: No, this will continue to go. Like, we made the joke earlier about a 24-hour telethon. Ain't no joke. Brad's gonna sit here for the next 24 hours.
Brad: You're not gonna stay here for 24 hours?
Jake: I still haven't beaten Grand Theft Auto yet. I need to finish that storyline.
Brad: Yeah, you do, so we can fucking talk about it and shit.
Jake: Yeah, I'm almost done with it.
Brad: All right, so we'll be back with Hour 23. Thanks for listening to us ramble. See you guys.
Jake: Love you all.