The Worst Films of 2014 (Brad and Jake)
January 29th, 2015
Brad: You ready to do this, bro?
Jake: Yeah, let's do this, bro.
Brad: Things actually got a little reversed, scheduling-wise. It was gonna be the Brian, Dave & Sarah edition of the worst movies, and then Jake and I were gonna do it when I got back from DC. But fuck it, we're gonna do it now. Here's our worst movies of the year.
Jake: Fuck it, we're wingin' it.
Brad: Okay, how easy was it to do yours this year?
Jake: There was a couple that I felt... well, my #1 was pretty easy. I'm not gonna lie, my #1 was easy.
Brad: I think that the #1 for all of us is probably really easy.
Jake: Sure. The rest were somewhat difficult for me. I wasn't really...there's a few that I wasn't really sure what order to put it, so I just kinda...this is what I'm feeling at the moment, about two minutes before we hit the record button.
Brad: I did mine the other day, and honestly, mine did not take that long at all, like even ordering them. I saw a lot of bad movies this year. I saw so many bad movies this year that Blended is not on my list.
Jake: That's impressive.
Brad: Million Ways to Die in the West is not on my list; that's how many really bad movies I saw this year.
Brad: You wanna go first? #10?
Jake: My #10 is Annie.
Jake: "Yeah"? Fuck you.
Brad: Aw man, we're gonna get more hate mail.
Jake: I hope so. No-typing illiterate fuck. But yeah...I wasn't really sure where to put Annie. I just...I don't like the musical Annie. I just...I've never been...I just don't care. I don't care about Little Orphan Annie, I never have, I don't think I ever will.
Brad: Did the audience make that go lower on your list, or is it because of the audience that it is on your list?
Jake: It's because of the audience it is on my list.
Brad: [laughing] Or because you saw it by yourself?!
Jake: Yeah, I got tabled on that one.
Brad: I forgot you saw that by yourself.
Jake: Yeah, I saw that by myself with that large black woman cackling at the Afro-headed white boy a few rows below them. "Ha-ha, what's that white boy doin' here?!" Man, I'm on the clock, lady. Fuck!
Brad: My #10, even though I would rather watch this a million times more than I would rather watch something like Blended or A Million Ways to Die in the West or even some of the more mediocre movies I saw this year, this movie is at #10 only for objective reasons. #10 is The Identical. Hands down the most watchable movie that's on this list. Normally, in any other year, I might not have put this on here because it was a funny movie. It was unintentionally funny. I mean, like, Winter's Tale's not on my list, and I thought that was pretty funny; but at least that was way more well-made than The Identical. But because of some other stuff that pop up later on this list, I guess I have to be a little more objective this year, and The Identical is a shit-made movie. It's horribly acted, it's horribly made, it makes all the wrong decisions you'd ever want to do when making any kind of, I guess, pseudo-serious movie like this. In terms of casting, it's a fucking 40-year-old man playing an 18-year-old.
Jake: "I'm sorry, Daddy!"
Brad: "I'm sorry, Daddy!"
Jake: "I won't go out and do it again, Daddy!"
Brad: And they couldn't get the rights to call him Elvis, so this is a parallel universe where apparently Elvis does still exist.
Jake: Elvis still exists, so his brother is the greatest impersonator of Elvis of all time, so that makes him the greatest impersonator of an impersonator.
Brad: Of a fucking impersonator!
Jake: Of all time!
Brad: And the music is all like if Elvis still existed and made music in the '90s, along with, like, the Counting Crows or something like that, but it still takes place in the '60s. It's shockingly bad, but it's watchably bad.
Jake: It sure is.
Brad: And I feel bad for putting it on my list, but it really is, by technical terms...
Jake: Don't feel so bad.
Brad: It is one of the worst of the year.
Jake: Don't feel so bad, it made mine.
Brad: Is it your #9?
Jake: My #9 is As Above So Below. That experience at that movie theater fucking sucked.
Brad: Oh, that was when the power...
Jake: That was when the power kept going out. I had to like... When they finally restored the power, when Brian and I finally went in there, they were like, "you know, we can start it over from the beginning." No, you fucking can't! No, you won't! No, you fucking won't! I will tell you where the fuck this shit stopped! Let's go!
Brad: They did that to me at Ninja Turtles. They did that when we were at When the Game Stands Tall. You don't have to stop it!
Jake: You don't have to... no! No! Please, God, don't!
Brad: And you guys...that happened to you guys, like, about half...maybe a little early on into that. When that happened during me and Dave's movie that same night, we were at November Man, it was at the last minute of the movie. Wow, totally worth it. That was a bad night all around, but at least me and Dave's movie was just mediocre.
Jake: You should start theirs again.
But besides that theater experience, that movie, on the whole, was...that was the one where they were in the French catacombs and...ugh. That was stupid. That was just levels of stupid. There was nothing worth...I'm sorry, there was nothing worth getting frightened over, they didn't really feel like...there was no real danger. Nobody gave a fuck. All the typical jump-scare tropes...tripes, whatever the fuck that word is, that shit's in it too.
Brad: But at least we didn't get The Pyramid. I mean, wait, we did, but it was, like, three weeks after its premiere.
Jake: Man, I missed Pyramid, shucks. Mummies.
Brad: I'm kinda sad I missed that. No, it's not. I heard some reviews on it. It is not mummies that's chasing them. I'm not even kidding you, it's, like, hairless feral cats.
Jake: You've gotta be fucking kidding me. You couldn't have even done mummies?!
Brad: But doesn't that kind of make you want to see it? Like, little hairless Lloyds chasing him!
Brad: They just went some attention.
Jake: They just want some lovin'. Smooga-boogums!
Brad: My #9 is Legends of Oz.
Jake: [looking at his list] Oh, shit.
Brad: Oh, no, did you forget? Oh, just make it tie with something.
Jake: Don't worry. Yeah, I'll put it in there.
Brad: Just make it tie with something. Legends of Oz sucked, and I was remembering it more so because we had that re-release of Wizard of Oz last week. This was...not only did the movie look and feel like you should've been watching this in, like, '93 or '94, maybe even earlier than that because of its original Bryan Adams soundtrack.
Brad: But even back then, this movie would've sucked. Cause this isn't like, "oh, I probably would've liked this if I was 13." No, no, nothing about this—same with something like The Identical—nothing about this movie felt like you should've been watching it in the theater. It's insane that this was released. Mainstream audiences, like, in thousands, in 2000 fucking theaters. That's fucking crazy in what should totally be a direct-to-video movie that you just get your kids because you see it for $5 at the checkout aisle, and even then, it would've been really, really, really bad.
Jake: Even then, it would've been like one of those, like, "all right, here, kid...five bucks, whatever." Like, after the second time they're watching it, you are wanting to shoot yourself in the face. That's a bad decision.
Brad: It did give us...the only good thing, it did give us Noble Mouse King, so there is that.
Jake: All hail Noble Mouse King.
Brad: One of the most memorable characters of the year, does not have one single fucking line of dialogue, but he's the Noble Mouse King. Also, really fucked up shit too, like the China Queen or whatever murdering people by screaming and shattering them to death. Fucking cra... This movie sucked.
Jake: This movie's bad.
Brad: What you got at #8?
Brad: [laughing] You put it higher than mine. But you know what I mean, though? Wouldn't you rather watch that...
Jake: I would much rather watch Identical than...[counts the list] every single one of these movies on my list. Which...I didn't really want to put it in there because I had fun when I was watching it. But...exactly what you said, I gotta look at it objectively.
Brad: It makes me wish I saw, like, eight or nine more movies like that so I could have a separate list of the best bad movies of the year, 'cause that would've been #1.
Jake: I know, right? That would've been #1, this movie was fantastic.
Brad: Would've easily been up there.
Jake: But it's exactly what you said, it's so bad.
Brad: It's shockingly bad.
Jake: Shockingly, hilariously bad.
Brad: It is the kind of bad movie that you're glad that you're there, to see this in the theater, to witness this.
Jake: That movie immediately bred like a cult...it had a cult feel to it. What the hell, why can't we stop watching this? This is hilarious. Why are there three Elvises. What the fuck? Who died? Wait, there was almost four Elvises?!
Brad: Drexel died in a plane crash, I remember that.
Jake: Yeah, Drexel died in a plane crash.
Brad: And the dad was blind at the end. Fuck, I need to see this movie again. Why wasn't this on my best movies of the year list?
Jake: You didn't even ask me for that, you prick. You only asked me to come over and, "hey, you wanna do the worst-of?" I'm still waiting for that text, "hey, you wanna do the best-of? Oh, dude, I shot that two weeks ago."
Brad: Jake's best-of: "I watched these on my own, motherfucker."
Jake: I watched these on my own, you pricks!
Brad: My #8 is fucking Left Behind, speaking of movies that should not be in theaters. This movie, as a die-hard Nicolas Cage fan, I've thought about it, and I've thought about it, and I've thought about it. This has gotta be his worst movie.
Jake: Woo! That's saying something.
Brad: His worst movie. Nicolas Cage is...he's the kind of the actor that, when Nicolas Cage...Nicolas Cage makes great movies even greater, and he makes bad movies watchable. Like...Wicker Man would be unwatchable without Nicolas Cage. There's some other movies I can think of that would...
Jake: I like Con Air.
Brad: Con Air's got...Con Air has the magic of Cage, Malkovich, Buscemi, like, a "who's who" of people who make movies totally watchable. This movie, it was...obviously he is in this because he has sev... at the time, I don't know about now, but had severe money problems, and had to say yes to a bunch of shit. It is so sad that he had to say yes to this, and it's even sadder when you can tell that he did not want to say yes to this. Like, you see it on the screen. He is just sad. Like, the spark that Nicolas Cage has—when he makes bad movies really fun, and just has the time of his life with it—is not there. Like, even as a Rapture movie, this is barely even that. This is simply...it's a cheap airport movie...that just happens to involve the Rapture. Like, that's it. That's all this movie is. It is the least ambitious Rapture movie I've ever seen. I've seen Asylum Rapture movies that were way more ambitious than this. So fuck Left Behind.
Jake: Well, I have to add a little hash to this, but Planes 2, slash...
Brad: Legends of Oz?
Jake: Legends of Oz.
Brad: [laughing] Okay, goddammit, what other kids' movies are on this list?
Jake: As soon as I looked down, it was, like, the other one that looked like it should've been a direct-to-fucking-DVD movie that I saw on the big screen. Goddamn, Planes 2 was fucking stupid.
Brad: I don't know, the other guy in the theater kinda liked it.
Jake: Yeah, he had a goddamn blast.
Brad: Planes 2 was...it's not on my list, but that was...ugh. That was...I'll say this about Planes 2—it was exactly what I thought it was gonna be. Well, maybe not. I mean, like, it was a little...some of the crash sequences were a little more intense than I thought they would be.
Jake: Yeah, I mean, there was that lightning scene that kinda got intense, when they were in that storm cloud and they couldn't hear over the shit. Like, that got intense. But it still looked like shit.
Brad: But Boat Reynolds.
Jake: Yeah, there's Boat Reynolds. Motherfuckin' Boat Reynolds.
Brad: And the Best Little Boathouse in Texas.
Jake: The Best Little fucking... these are the worst goddamn fucking puns. You're not even trying. "What can we put 'boat' in?"
Brad: [laughing] And I like the idea that there would be, like, a three-year-old kid in the audience who would hear that pun and go, "oh, like Best Little Whorehouse in Texas."
Jake: "Yeah, like Best Little Whorehouse in Texas! I got you! I got you!" Damn, kid! I gotta respect the classics, but fuck, how do you know that?!
Brad: Planes 2 sucked. The only thing that was carrying me through that movie was, I was like, "well, at least I get to see The Purge 2 later. At least I just get to see non-stop mayhem and violence after sitting through Planes 2."
Jake: Oh, yeah, I forgot about The Purge 2.
Brad: Purge 2—way better than Planes 2.
Jake: Yeah, unfortunately, but still. Shoot the WASPs. That's not fair. That's just not fair.
Brad: He did. He did when they did, like, the Most Dangerous Game section, where the trailer made that look like it was gonna be, like, half the movie. It was, like, oh shit, no, he took care of that in, like, fifteen minutes.
Jake: Yeah, that was, like, fifteen minutes. You know what? Everybody stay down, I'm tired of dickin' around with these stupid white people. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang! You're all dead, let's go. [Claps lightly] Well done, well done.
Brad: Purge 2—way more fun to talk about apparently than Planes 2.
Jake: Yeah, way more fun.
Brad: I've got...I don't think you saw this. I've got as my #7, Endless Love.
Jake: Yeah, I didn't see that.
Brad: I think a lot of people are gonna probably expect that movie to be higher on my list because, of all the stuff that I saw this year, I think that one probably made me rage the most, or not...not so much rage necessarily, but more like you doing That's My Boy. Less rage and more "maybe I'll just quit."
Jake: Oh, I've been there. Like, I'm done.
Brad: But I can't... The reason why it's not higher is because I'm certainly coming at that movie from somebody who knows the book very well and really digs that book, and that movie, hands down one of the worst adaptations I've ever seen. Like, it would be like...it would be like if the movie While You Were Sleeping was an adaptation of Misery. Like, that's how really, horribly they take this movie. If I didn't know the book and kinda just went into it not even knowing that it was based on a book, yeah, it would be really bad. It would be like every trope of every Nick Sparks thing ever, so basically you have a stereotype of something that's not even that good to begin with. That would kinda be what that movie is. It would probably make my worst list if I didn't know the book, but the fact that I did...oh, my God. Like, a key difference here—the book, the kid is fucking crazy as shit in the book. It's a book totally about obsession. At one point, to, like, impress the girl, he, like, sets her house on fire so he could save her. In the movie, it's like this big, heroic moment where it's the girl's asshole dad who accidentally sets the house on fire, and then the kid comes in at the end and saves everyone. It's awful, it's so fucking horrible. Like, I'm getting madder even talking about it; maybe I should've put it higher.
Jake: All right, all right, calm down, Skeeter.
Brad: What's your #6?
Jake: Uh, Left Behind.
Jake: Fuck! Fuck! Man, I forgot about that, and I also forgot about Oz that I saw. 'Cause as I was making that, right before we started shooting, I was, like, "hey, Brad, what the hell was Left Behind?"
"That was the Nic Cage..."
Brad: Nic Cage, Rapture.
Jake: Stupid, terrible-ass plane movie! Oh, that was just depressing to watch. That was terrible.
Brad: That wasn't even fun to sit through.
Jake: Man, that hurt. Like, I will not claim I'm the biggest Nic Cage fan on the planet, especially compared to you. I got nothing against the man, I'm just saying I don't think he's all that great. But with that being said, oof. Like, what you've said, I've seen some legitimately bad movies with Nic Cage in it, and I couldn't help but laugh because he was over the top in it, so I find enjoyment in it. So based on that merit
Jake: ...this was hard to watch. This was like, ooh...no, this was one you should've said no to. This has, like, a terrible, disconnected Christian-y family, and it turns out crazy mom who's Bible-thumping is right, so she's gone up to Heaven, and her heathen-ass family is left behind. It was basically like reconnecting with daughter in terrible airplane featuring Rapture.
Brad: Yeah, featuring a cameo by Rapture.
Jake: Featuring in guest appearance: Rapture.
Brad: And if you didn't know people were religious in this movie, which 1., you should because they've been raptured, but even if you didn't, they're, like, looking through people's day planner, and it's like, "bible study."
Jake: "Bible study." Like that stewardess with the fucking cro... Yeah, I get it, I know what they're called, dude!
Brad: And that movie did, I just remembered, I believe that has the record for the longest Midnight Screening. I think we hit, like, a hour and a half.
Jake: Oh, we hit, like, an hour and nine minutes. We went on forever.
Brad: There was a lot to talk about.
Jake: That was also... One of the shortest ones was Ryan.
Brad: With 12 minutes? I love that. 12 minutes, and half of it is trailers. For Paddington.
Jake: Hey, you know what? Paddington's pretty good. Even the trailers. Looks good. Deuce.
Brad: Thumbs up! Me and Dave's was, like, 23 minutes that night; and then Brian and Sarah's on The Wedding Ringer was, like, 50 minutes.
Brad: They won. #6. Think Like a Man Too. Not even God wanted us to see this movie. There was a huge lightning storm that night when we were reviewing that. We have to drive the car under the awning because we kept thinking it was gonna crash through the fucking window to fucking zap the camera and fry our asses. That would've been the best thing to happen to us that night. Think Like a Man Too is like...it's like watching a theatrical version of Zack and Kelly's Vegas wedding from Saved By the Bell. It's like watching an epilogue to a show that you've never watched.
And it has...everything that you would expect to happen in something like that, happens in this movie. There's a misunderstanding with the bill on the room, so they owe a lot of money, so they enter a strip competition in order to do it. There's the womanizing guy who's with his girlfriend, and she keeps hearing about how he was such a playa. Oh my God, the wedding gets, like, the wedding gets postponed at the end, but then there's the magical Jeeves butler who says, "well, now, maybe we should just do it outside." Okay! It's that for a really, really, really long time.
Like, I went into this movie really not expecting anything one way or the other; I kinda thought it would be, like, this year's Best Man Holiday. But wow, this was shockingly hard to sit through. I was sitting there just confused and perplexed while watching it. Dave was sitting there just [pounds his palm] like he's gonna beat someone. 20 minutes into this, we both slowly looked at each other, and I got it out before him. I was, like, "this movie sucks!" Like, out loud in the theater, I don't think anyone heard us. The movie is so thin that there's a music video halfway into it. Like, all the girls at their, I don't know, their bachelorette party, they just start going into a music video of "That Girl Is Poison." And I'm talking, like, fish-eye lens, punching towards...backwards hat punching towards the camera. At the end of the scene, there's even a music video credit on the bottom of it to say who directed the scene.
Jake: Oh, wow.
Brad: It was agghh! The fact that it is only #6 on my list is the most surprising thing about that movie.
Jake: #5 was Draft Day. The most boring...what the fuck, are you fucking kidding me? I gotta sit here for an entire hour-and-a-half-length movie featuring the NFL Draft? Like I give two flying fucks who gets picked the fuck up? It's only a big deal for, like, maybe a grand total of a few months, 'cause then there's all this hype about this and that, this is the hot rookie, and blah blah blah. Then the preseason happens, half of them get fucking broke, so okay, there goes that fucking angle. And then the ones that do get through, usually like Game 1, Game 2, wow, a lot of you suck! And then all of it disappears into maybe one person who stood out. I mean, recently there's been a few exceptions. But that's basically what happens in the NFL. It's like this big hullabaloo, and then jack fucking shit happens!
So now I gotta watch a movie like I give two fucks who's getting picked the fuck up by the Cleveland Browns, of all fucking people?! Like, it would flash over to the...hey, we're Seattle. SEATTLE! God, dude, I know where we're at, the big-ass needle took it off, dude!
Brad: Are you just mad 'cause you got this movie in your fantasy movie review league?
Jake: Yeah, dude, I had this as my starting quarterback, bro. It was, like, Draft Day's gonna be where's it at, the best sports movie of the year! You fell flat on me!
Brad: I completely forgot that this movie existed until I made, 'cause I sent you a list of all the bad movies that you saw. Like, "Draft Day? What the fuck was...oh!"
Jake: Yes, that stupid-ass NFL movie.
Brad: But was Denis Leary good in it?
Brad: What?! Okay, fuck it! If Denis Leary's not good in this movie, I'm putting it on my fucking list, and I've never even seen it. I'm gonna pull a Hadley.
Jake: No. I mean, he's Denis Leary in it, but you can tell even then, he just doesn't give a fuck, even by Denis Leary's not-giving-a-fuck standards, he doesn't give a fuck!
Brad: Oh, compared to Amazing Spider-Man 2? Ghost disapproving-Denis Leary would show up.
Jake: I love ghost disapproving-Denis Leary. That was my favorite character in that entire movie.
Brad: Fucking mine, too! That movie's probably not on my list just because of ghost disapproving-Denis Leary.
Jake: Dude, I forgot that I saw that too.
Brad: My #5 is Haunted House 2.
Jake: Oh, yeah, I forgot you saw that.
Brad: I had to see that the same night that I saw fucking Transcendence. That was a horrible fucking night. Like, Transcendence was a piece of shit, but at least it was ambitious. Haunted House 2, God, no! Probably the least ambitious movie I've seen all year. The only enjoyment I got out of Haunted House 2...well, two things. 1., Gabriel Iglesias was at least trying. [...and...] I saw the movie with Jillian—we saw both that and Transcendence that night. As miserable as I was during Haunted House 2, I wasn't...I don't know if I was really getting that mad necessarily because, dear God, was it exactly what I thought it was gonna be. But Jillian, on the other hand, was getting very mad throughout the movie. There's, like, a five-minute scene in this movie of Marlon Wayans fucking the Annabelle doll. It goes on for, like, five minutes. It comes out of fucking nowhere, just suddenly the Annabelle doll's there, and suddenly he's having sex with it for, like, five minutes. And I'm talking, like, tossing salad...like, all that shit, like water sports, like, everything is...yeah. It's like this for five minutes, and Jillian is just wanting to leave so bad during this scene. I can see her out of the corner of my eye, she's going, "you know, we could leave. We could fucking leave."
"No, no, maybe it'll get better."
Jake: God, I swear to God, dude, every time you do that to me, I want to punch you in the face. If you weren't my friend, I would've punched you in the face so many time. Look, it could get better.
Brad: You gotta be an optimist, man. You gotta find your zen. Maybe it goes up from the scene where he's having sex with a doll.
Jake: Well, it wasn't 'cause she wasn't into water sports?
Brad: Oh, she is. Oh, we're talking about Knight's Action Park water slides, right? 'Cause it is fun to go down those slides.
Jake: No, it isn't. All but one of those slides. That slide is not fun to go down, nor is the toilet bowl, you lying motherfucker.
Brad: Oh, that one's great.
Jake: Every time I go on that, it's just like Whee...KKKKKKKKK...PLOP!
Brad: You just gotta make sure not to land on your gooch.
Jake: It's not the gooch that I land on, it's the flat of my back on the heated metal that is not touching water, so I literally every time hit, PLUNK, EEEEEEEEE...OWWWW...blunk.
Brad: Look, here's what you do. You do, like, in the cartoons and you belt one of those big ice blocks to your back, like they did in the old-time days to go sledding in the summer.
Jake: This is happening. Whee!
Brad: The remaining thing I can say about Haunted House 2 is, just stay home and watch the "Richard Pryor Is Scared for No Reason" sketch from In Living Color. It's a minute and a half long, it's a million times funnier than Haunted House 2. Just watch that sketch...just watch it right now, the sketch is amazing.
Jake: Yeah, fuck it. We'll give you time.
Jake: My #4 was Ouija.
Jake: Oui-ja. That ol' oui-ja board. Get that dang ol' oui-ja board outta here.
Brad: That movie sucked.
Jake: That movie was so fucking stupid. That had me mad. Wasn't that the one where her fucking dead friend could've just saved them at the very beginning? Like, couldn't she have just walked up and be, like, "hey, you see that big scary bitch? She's the one that's trying to kill you. Go stab..."
"Okay, well, I'm not fuckin' with this no mo'."
Like, I don't understand it.
Brad: Yeah, you remember more of it than I do.
Jake: Yeah, that's what pissed me off about it. This movie could've been done the first little seance shit that they did. It'd be, like, "hey, that big scary lady's the bad guy. Do something to get rid of that. Here's what you do."
"You go and do it? One love."
Fuckin' movie over, five minutes. "This was this creepy thing to happen to me once, but I took care of it."
Brad: There are so many really great horror movies that revolve around Ouija boards that 1., it kinda makes this movie not necessary, and 2., stay home and watch The Exorcist. One of those Slumber Party Massacre movies had a Ouija board in it; stay home and watch that.
Jake: I mean, really, in this day and age, what the fuck is the Ouija board doing here? Why is it made... this is its big debut movie?
Jake: Damn. Really missed the mark, Ouija board. You should've done that years ago.
Brad: It's exactly what you think it is. It's a movie catered to 12-year-olds, and it's...dear God, is it PG-13. It's catered to the audience of...junior high kids are gonna go there on a date, and the girl is gonna scream every five seconds because of a jump-scare. That's what it is; it sucks.
Jake: You'll get your 12-year-old jollies off 'cause she'll hold your hand. There you go.
Brad: Yeah, it was this year's Paranormal Activity 4.
Jake: Fuck! Fuck! Stupid-ass movies.
Brad: Yeah. Ouija didn't make mine, but #4 on mine is Tyler Perry's Single Moms Club.
Jake: Oh, dude, you didn't like that?
Brad: No. I watched this movie, and no... this was... I'd seen clips of his stuff here and there, like, scenes. This was the first one that I watched full-on, beginning to end. And it was me and Sarah, we went to it because Dave and Brian had all the other Tyler Perry movies, so we were like, "okay, well, this year, we'll go to the Tyler Perry movies." Thank God there was only one.
But when I got about 20 minutes into this fucking movie, I was sitting there, like, "this is what I've been sending them to see?! Oh, my God, I'm a monster!"
It really was... I was expecting it to be bad, yeah, but in terms of just sheer film-making, I was not expecting his skills as a director to be the modern equivalent of, like, Coleman Francis, or, like, the directing style you would see...yeah, the directing style you would see in, like, Red Zone Cuba, The Skydivers, shit like that. Like stuff you'd see on Mystery Science Theater. Because this movie is so poorly shot, it is so poorly edited that at times, I didn't know if characters were in the room or if they weren't. There's one part where it's like...it's the girl sitting there talking to her boss. And she's the stuck-up girl, like the snooty, kinda rich, you know, suburban girl, and her name in the movie is Jan Malkovich. [Humorless laugh] So she's sitting there talking to her boss; and so angle, the boss, angle, the girl. Okay, fine. What I didn't realize is that towards the end of the scene, it goes into a wider shot and you find out that this has been a board room meeting the entire time with about 12 other people in this room. Shit like that happens throughout this movie.
There is a girl...there's one scene where you can tell that...you can tell that none of the actresses were there at the same time, so they're all shot individually and spliced together, which, fine, that happens a lot. That happens a lot, and you just cover it up with editing and whatnot. This didn't! This was person, person, person, person, person, person, person, with not even an attempt to kind of covering it up with, like, overlaying audio or anything like that. And there was a part where there's a girl sitting at the bar talking to her ex-husband, her boyfriend is the bartender, and so they're talking. And then it just cuts to a reaction shot of the bartender, but with no audio laid over it, so it just sounds like there's this awkward break in the conversation just to cut to the bartender. And then later on, they're driving in a car, and I just thought there were, like, three people in the car because it was kind of the Midnight Screenings angle.
Brad: So passenger's seat, driver's seat, person sitting in the middle in the back. All right. And then partway through the scene, it just cuts to where there's five people in the car; the other two were sitting behind the driver's seat and the passenger's seat. You just didn't know that until it randomly cut to them with a line, and it scared the shit out of me. The movie was really scary.
Jake can't help but laugh
But Terry Crews was good in it, there was that.
Jake: God bless Terry Crews.
Brad: There was that, there was that, but it's Tyler Perry, so the movie was like...victimized women more than most exploitation movies that I've seen that do that kind of thing. It got severely awkward. Like, even in the romantic parts, it's like...even for me, it was wildly misogynistic. But they did involve Tyler Per...uh...Terry Crews, sorry. No offense to Terry Crews. At least Terry Crews was kinda funny in it.
Jake: #3. Expendables 3
Jake: Man, fuck that movie. Wow, that was bad. That was bad! That was the Wesley Snipes being in this hardcore train prison for tax evasion.
Brad: Get it?!
Jake: That's why you haven't seen him around for a while.
Brad and Jake: Because he had problems with/evaded his taxes!
Brad: Drummer's in the house!
Jake: Oh, boy, that...goddamn it!
Brad: He's not here. He's not in the picture anymore, 'cause Bruce Willis isn't in the movie anymore.
Jake: That stupid, two-f... like, way too obvious with the jokes, way too in-universe with it.
Brad: Way more so than the other ones were.
Jake: A lot more than the other ones 'cause the other ones...you know, at least I can understand the tongue-in-cheekness of it. This one, there was no tongue-in-cheek. It was just pbbbbbth!
Brad: Meme, meme, meme, meme, meme, meme.
Jake: Yeah, all over the place. Meme, meme, explosion, meme, meme, stab. Or PG-13 stab, wasn't it?
Brad: Off-screen stab.
Jake: Off-screen stab, goddamn.
Brad: It's...it's not on my list, but that movie sucked. I sat there, like, "why am I not enjoying this? I should be enjoying this. Why am I not enjoying this?"
Jake: This is not working. Everything about this is not working.
Brad: Stallone should not do PG-13 action. The movie isn't even...okay, yeah, theatrically, it's PG-13, but this is not shot as a PG-13.
Jake: It's not shot as a PG-13. You can tell by the [imitates hacking sound] motions of, like, Wesley Snipes with his knife and the guy going, "aah!"
Brad: Yeah, we just watched an edited-for-television movie in the theater.
Brad: And it was so poorly...even beyond that, it was so poorly choreographed that, even beyond the blood and stuff that's getting cut out. I could not make heads or tails what the fuck was going on in this movie.
Jake: No. Just so much chaos, no organization, it was just terrible.
Brad: It made us be really lenient towards The Giver, which was later that night. Which wasn't very good, but we just saw Expendables 3.
Jake: We just saw Expendables 3, so hey, it's not Expendables 3.
Brad: At least I can tell what's going on in this movie?
Jake: I definitely can tell what's going on in this movie.
Brad: Yeah, if they do another Expendables movie, I really hope they get their shit together. I do. A director who can actually choreograph action, tone it down on the fucking references, and if you're gonna make it R, don't do CGI blood, please. Like, as much as I like the previous two movies, God, the CGI blood is a thorn in those movies' fucking side. No, I'm with you, I really did not like that movie either. It's not on mine, but if I did a Bottom 20, it would be on there.
My #3 is Moms' Night Out. This will be the last time I need to look at my phone 'cause I know what my other two are. Moms' Night Out was single-handedly one of the most awkward movies that I sat through this year. It's...you know what, all the religious movies that came out this year was, like, the best friend of stuff like Expendables 3. If it weren't for the several...
Jake: You got a good point. If it wasn't for the several extremely terrible religious movies that came out this year.
Brad: And I saw most of them, so...like, half of them are those movies. If that wasn't on there, Expendables 3 would probably be on this list.
Moms' Night Out was...I probably got the most mad at that. It's a movie that does not, in any way, shape, or form, understand what severe anxiety disorders are, or depression. Depression post, you know, giving birth to a child, among the other kids that you have. Because here's a movie about a woman who is going through severe anxiety. Like, it's really awkward to watch, and it's really awkward because it's played for laughs, but it's acted seriously. It's acted very serious. Like, yeah, it's a comedy, and it's presented as a comedy with hijinks music in the background. The audience that we saw it with was laughing at it, and...like, I know a lot of...I know people close to me who have gone through a lot of the same stuff that this woman is going through in this movie. And to be in the theater while that's treated like this, was really unsettling. And no one says to this woman, like, "you really need to see a psychiatrist." Like, it gets really severe. It gets so severe that she's, like, she has what's called, like, what does she call it in the movie? Like...stress paralysis. She straight-up calls it that in the movie, where she's, like, in a ball on the bathroom floor, like, shaking and crying. And she has a blog where she goes on these very tangent-filled things because she's very manic, so there's obviously some issues there with this person. But it's treated as, "aw, girl, you just need a night on the town!"
I'm not even kidding.
Jake: That's really uncomfortable.
Brad: Dear God, was it ever uncomfortable!
Jake: Girl, you just need a lot of medication!
Brad: No one says to this person, like, "you really need to talk to somebody."
Jake: You need help.
Brad: "You really need help." No, no, it is, "you just need a night on the town. Like, get yourself a fancy dress, go out to a nice restaurant." In which they get to the restaurant, and she has an episode because they got their reservation wrong. And that was, again, really awkward. And this is all...
It all turns happy at the end because...okay, you remember the scene at the end of Ferris Bueller's Day Off where Charlie Sheen was in the police station talking to Jennifer Grey, and he, like, gave her, you know, wise advice and stuff like that? Imagine that, but if instead of Charlie Sheen, it was Trace Adkins, country superstar, telling her that she just needs Jesus.
Jake: Goddamn it. A big ol' spoonful of Jesus in your mouth is not the same as taking medication because your brain chemistry is all out of fucking wack.
Jake: Goddamn it, no. You don't just need two cupfuls of Jesus in the morning to start your fucking day right. You need to go see a doctor and get on some kind of medication. Get some help, talk to a professional who'd actually be able to help you, not country superstar Trace Adkins, who doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about. Would you like me to sing you a song about Jesus?
Brad: Oh, my God. You know what? If this movie ended with, like, a Trace Adkins musical number, at least that would've distracted me from the other shit that was pissing me off. At least I can get mad about this now.
Jake: Can I get mad at this for a second instead of just being genuinely uncomfortable and upset?
Brad: Was it Trace Adkins or...
Jake: Who gives a fuck? They all sound the same. Twangy-ass assholes.
Brad: Now I'm confused. Was it Trace Adkins, or was it, like, fucking "boot in your ass, courtesy of..." Toby Keith?
Jake: Toby Keith.
Brad: No, I think it was Trace Adkins. I think it was Trace Adkins 'cause otherwise, I'd be, like, "well, at least he has a mighty fine restaurant."
Jake: Mighty fine restaurant.
Brad: "With some good Red White and Blue Nachos."
Of all the religious movies I saw this year, this one was the most uncomfortable to sit through. Probably even more so than the next one that's on my list, even though I think the next one was probably more offensive. This one, for personal reasons, was very uncomfortable to sit through.
Jake: My #2 is a movie that I saw around Christmastime...with you people. After I got our Secret Santa gift...from you.
Brad: [getting it] Oh. At first, I was, like, the hamburger? Oh, I forgot, there was movie money in there.
Jake: There's movie money there underneath the quarter-pounder that was inside of the Big Mac box that was wrapped in tin foil.
Brad: Hey, that was a present with layers, my friend. "Big Mac, thanks."
"Open it up. Psych! Quarter-pounder! Open it up. Movie money!"
Jake: I was expecting, like, a tiny cheeseburger under that, and then I open up the tiny cheeseburger, and it's like, found the quarter! Brad, you're a dick! But well-played, sir. Well-played.
No, it was Winter's Tale.
Jake: No! No! Not "aww"! That movie was fucking stupid!
Brad: But you were mesmerized.
Jake: I was! I was genuinely mesmerized by that movie because I was trying so hard to figure out what the fuck is going on! And then, what felt like an eternity later, the movie ended with me going, "did I just get Twin Peaksed? What the fuck just happened?! No, I don't wanna watch it again!
Brad: I'll see all the answers.
Jake: I got my fucking hipster-ass friends, and they're like, "oh, no, you just need to watch it again. It's like Twin Peaks."
Brad: I know what to get you next Christmas—the book. Then you'll know the answers.
Jake: Now I'll understand "horse!"
Hello, my friend. It is I, Celestial Horse, here to help you get laid!
Brad: "Damn, they found the horse."
Jake: "They found the horse."
Brad: Oh my God, it's the redhead we were looking for.
Jake: Yes, I have brought you to your pussy. Now you tame said pussy! I shall disappear into the night sky. For when you need me, when...out of whatever era he was in, and whatever fucking stupid weird shit started happening with that.
Brad: With a 110-year-old...
Jake: 110-year-old. I have come back to help you get old strange. Welcome! Fuck! Why is the horse here, why does he have wings, what does Pegasus have to do with? This movie is stupid!
Brad: You gotta admit, though, one of the most unpredictable films of the year.
Jake: No, it was the most unpredictable film of the year.
Brad: Predestination might be my most unpredictable movie of the year, but it's a tossup, man. That's a tossup, 'cause Sarah and I saw it in the theater, and we saw it because we heard it was so batshit. And wow, were they not kidding. Like, I think in the first 15 minutes...no, even earlier than that. It was when Russell Crowe goes, "damn, he found the horse." And I'm just in the theater—we were the only ones in there—and I'm in there, like, "what the fuck is happening?!" Just like, out loud, and then, like, at the end of the movie, I'm like, "what was that all about?!"
Jake: What the fuck just happened?! Why am I still here?! What the hell...what just wasted my time for what felt like eight hours?!
Brad: I didn't think it was a waste of time.
Jake: Oh, dude, I did! I did! I was so irritated at all of you, by the time that thing was done, I was like, "I just wanna go home." I was so sick of seeing every last one of you.
Brad: I relished every moment, man.
Jake: I don't wanna watch Celestial Horse. This is stupid.
Brad: From Satan...Will Smith's Satan with Jimi Hendrix shirt. The gangsters in modern day still with the bowler hats.
Jake: Oh, God, it was so stupid.
Brad: But so good.
Jake: No, it wasn't good. That was not good. It was fucking godawful, I am so glad I didn't see that in the theater. Fuck!
Brad: It's not on my list. Dear God, am I not gonna argue that that's objectively a terrible film. It's not on my list, even though I do... Dear God, did I get enjoyment out of that movie. I thought that movie was fucking hilarious. But it... it isn't on my list. I mean...I really didn't have room for it, but also, compared to, like, The Identical, which is another movie that I thought was very funny, this was at least more well-made than The Identical.
Jake: It was.
Brad: This had...the acting, some of it, was okay, at least. At least it had better actors than the lead in The Identical. This at least looked like a movie.
Jake: It looked like a movie, and then just shat out a bunch of crap. Fuck.
Brad: Polishing a turd.
Jake: It's still a fucking turd.
Brad: But maybe, at one point, it was delicious caviar. I don't know.
Jake: What the fuck does that have to do with the current piece of shit?
Brad: I don't know why I said that, I've never had caviar.
Jake: It's not that delicious.
Jake: Yeah, rich people don't have it right, dude.
Brad: Not even James Bond?!
Jake: Not even James Bond, bro.
Brad: Aw, fuck that. I don't believe you.
Jake: Well, you can not believe me all you want. I have tasted the fine, incredibly salty, gross taste of caviar.
Brad: Maybe you didn't get it from Beluga north of the Caspian.
Jake: No, I don't know where it came from. I truly don't.
Brad: You had the McCaviar.
Jake: I didn... Hey, McDonald's. McCaviar. Make this happen.
Brad: My #2 is... I really struggled with what I wanted to have as #1 'cause it was either gonna be this or it was gonna be what is my #1. My #2 is God's Not Dead. Hands down the most offensive movie of the year. It is horribly made. I mean, it's...it's as well-made as, like, The fucking Identical or something else that I shouldn't be seeing in the theater. For all I know, they're made by the same fucking people, I don't fucking know. Or ghost-directed by the same person, because again, it looks like...this is what a grandma gives to her kid if she thinks the kid is religious.
This movie is...it's like the Crash of Bible movies; it's a bunch of different stories going on at the same time. But the theme of this movie is that if you are not hardcore Christian, then you are a verbally abusive sonofabitch who just verbally abuses his girlfriend; you are, like, the stereotypical, like, liberal blogger who drives around with a "COEXIST" bumper sticker, but she finds Jesus because she gets cancer, and then her lawyer boyfriend dumps her. Again, he's not religious, so that just means he's a terrible person. When she tells him, he says he's gotten a promotion, she tells him, "I found out I have cancer," and then he goes, "ugh, that couldn't have waited until tomorrow?" [Jake snickers] There's a Muslim family in this...
Jake: Sorry, that is an oppressively dickish comment.
Brad: It was Dean Cain who said it, too.
Jake: That makes me laugh every single time you say that.
Brad: It was Dean Cain who said it, too, and later you're supposed to have sympathy for him because his mom is dying, 'cause, like, fuck you.
Jake: Fuck you, you're an asshole.
Brad: Fuck off, man. The worst was, there's a Muslim family in the movie. So in this movie, this movie's idea, general idea of that, is, the daughter of the Muslim family is a closet Christian, so she hides out in her closet and, like, reads her Bible, and then she listens to, like, hymns and stuff on her iPod. And then the dad finds out about it and proceeds to beat the shit out of her and throw her out of the house. That's the last you see of him! That is pretty much the end of that storyline, except things are made better because she goes to a Christian rock concert in the end and is jamming her ass off, after getting the shit beat out of her by her dad and thrown out of the house, 'cause she's effectively homeless now.
Brad: And you are like... The main plot was that, like, Kevin Sorbo—who actually is kind of amazing in the movie. He plays this atheist college professor, and there's a kid in the movie. He says, like, "all right, Introduction to Philosophy. I want you to write down on a piece of paper that God's dead," and the kid is, like, "I'm not gonna do that, I'm a Christian." He's, like, "okay, well, then, I want you to get up here and prove that God's not dead, or you fail."
It's a straw man movie. It is a straw man movie. That's it. And it isn't so much that the professor's atheist. Okay. But he physically, like, grabs the student, is, like, screaming at him, is verbally abusive towards his wife. It would be like if, okay, it would be like if some atheist filmmaker put out a movie, and its general view of Christians was a guy who's gonna go blow up an abortion clinic. Like, that's this movie. I'm not even an atheist, and I'm sitting there, like, "okay, this is a straw man movie." This movie is, in no way, shape, or form, trying to have any conversation about God, about religion, about atheism, any of that. This movie is just literally preaching to the choir of, if you are a religious person, if you are a Christian, great, you are aces; and if you are not, you are an abusive fucking sonofabitch who beats your children, who is just the biggest scum on the face of the fucking planet, and that's it. Just black and white, right there. Like, that's this movie. And it's #2 on my list, even though... It's #2 on my list, but...[can't quite get it out] it is the most, single-handedly the most offensive thing you would've seen it theaters this year.
Brad: All right, are we...
Jake: Really? We know what it is.
Brad: Yeah, should we both just talk about it? It's the same thing.
Jake: It's the same thing.
Brad: It's the same fucking thing, let's just get into it. #1.
Brad and Jake: Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas.
Jake: Goddamn, Kirk!
Brad: But one of the most enjoyable movies I've seen all year.
Jake: Oh, wow, that was. That was so...wow. I mean, just speaking of...like, of all the movies, which was a surprisingly high amount, animated or not. Just all the movies this year that just visually did not look like they belonged on the big screen, like they're just lacking.
Brad: This movie didn't even look like a movie.
Jake: This one took the cake because it wasn't really a movie. This was like a Christian public service announcement that made no fucking sense!
Brad: And a bad one at that!
Jake: Yeah, it was a terrible one!
Brad: Like...beyond...talk about straw man movies!
Brad: Yeah, talk about a straw man movie! This movie is...it's the Room 423 of fucking movies. It is the conspiracy theory, Alex Jones bullshit of fucking religious movies! That's it. It's Kirk Cameron spouting off insane crap for, like, 40 minutes, and the rest of it's just padding. For 40 minutes to the world's dumbest person, who is just eating all of this shit up left and right.
Jake: With a spoon.
Brad: Trying to severely...
Jake: "Hey, buddy, why are you being a dick? I just want you to know that you're wrong. Everything you know is wrong."
Jake: "Yeah, you're fucking wrong, bro."
Jake: "No, shut up, you're wrong. And I'm gonna prove you why."
Brad: "This is my house!"
Jake: "No, you're wrong. You're wrong. This is now my house. You're wrong. This is God's house."
Brad: "Whatever. I'm gonna fuck your sister."
Jake: "You're wrong. I'm gonna fuck my sister."
Jake: Yeah. This movie...
Brad: This movie made me think, what if he is trolling us? What if that is all that this has been?
Jake: Like, what if, like...
Brad: What if?
Jake: That would just be the greatest troll ever. Like, Andy Kaufman level of just fucking with everyone. He'll just be, like, "no, man, I'm just fucking with all of you."
Brad: He would take the cake from even Andy Kaufman, I think, because this has been years in the making.
Jake: This has been years. You have no argument, Kirk. There's nothing to what you're saying at all.
Brad: "I want you to picture a cross. Whenever you see a tree, picture a cross."
Jake: "Every time you see a tree, I want you to see a cross."
Brad: "Naked, just like a fucking cross. Just like a cross, 'cause you know, they're both made of wood. And there's apples on the tree, which represent original sin, which Jesus was saving us from."
Jake: I still have never heard of the "look at a tree and see a fucking cross."
Brad: I've never heard of anything in this movie. Not even like, "the presents look kind of like the skylight of the new Jerusalem."
Jake: What?! They look like fucking presents, dude! The sky...whoa. Kirk, what's wrong with you?
Brad: "Dude, St. Nick was bad!"
Jake: "St. Nick was a bad motherfucker! He was a bad mother..."
"Shut yo mouth, Kirk!"
Brad: Think more Lord of the Rings, if Lord of the Rings Gandalf beat the shit out of somebody who didn't believe in Jesus!
Jake: If he just beat the fuck out of someone who just had a differing opinion than him!
Brad: And then, it cuts back to World's Dumbest Person, "whoa..." having him mind blown. "Whoa, Santa was awesome!" Fucking sliding into, like, the presents, rap dance-off at the end with the Godtown Singers, whatever the fuck they're called.
The single-handedly most pro-gluttony, pro-greed, pro-consumerism movie...religious movie that I've ever seen in my life.
Jake: Ever. Everything that Christianity is supposed to be, like... If you have a lot, give. Don't be an arrogant asshole. You know, all those good, wholesome things that Christianity is supposed to spout, this asshole shows up, he's, like, "no! Keep all the money and keep all the food! After you're done eating ham and you get full with it, shove it up your ass so the poor can't have it."
Brad: You know, there's part of his message that I kind of get, if it wasn't a crazy person doing it with all of the weird shit, like everything links to the cross and the trees represent the cross. Okay, beyond all that, take that shit out. Okay, you have a movie where it could be about a guy who's talking to his curmudgeon brother who basically wants to say, like, "look, man, we're just trying to have a good time. It's not...mopiness and all that, I'm just trying to cheer you up." Okay, you would have that. And then you could have.. the brother, Christian. Christian's argument for...I forgot that's what the brother's name was. Christian's argument is, "this stuff isn't in the Bible. This comes from a pagan tradition. This comes from this, that, and that." Okay, I've seen videos that say the same thing. I've done episodes on DVD-R Hell that kind of makes fun of that kind of thing. I sort of get the message here, in the extent of, like, "okay, some of that traces back to maybe something you don't necessarily believe in, but we're all a family here. We're all exchanging presents. Let's just look at it like that."
But unfortunately, it's Kirk Cameron doing this movie, so it's not really about that. It's the most batshit way of debunking actual...trying to debunk actual pagan origins of a lot of this stuff.
Jake: Actual Christian origins.
Brad: Actual Christian origins to say, like, "hey, well, you know, God created the winter solstice. So, you know, dibs." What?!
Jake: I hate that.
Brad: And because of this movie, is pretty much why The Identical is on my list, because this movie... Normally in the past, I've been, like, if I get some enjoyment out of this, I won't put it on my list of the worst of the year. But I can't...
Jake: Saving Christmas, I have to.
Brad: It is barely even a movie. It's arguably a movie, it's arguably a full-length movie. This is a 45-minute movie that's just padding. This movie was made solely because of greed, because they saw that the Christian movie boom was happening, and seriously wanted to get this in in the last minute. And between that and all the shit with him trying to up the vote on Rotten Tomatoes and stuff like that—which The Identical tried doing the same thing, too—between all of that...
Jake: Come on, vote for us please.
Brad: All right. I can see The Identical being, like, "all right." 10!
Jake: Woo! Fuck you, Saving Christmas.
Brad: But this movie, I can't, in good conscience, not say that this is not the worst movie of the year. Because objectively speaking, acting, characters, film-making, everything.
Jake: Everything about this is so sub-par and amateurish and just laugh...not even laughably bad, just...
Brad: Oh, I laughed. I laughed my ass off.
Jake: There are several times where I laughed, but it was more like, "that didn't ha..." Where is our wholesome Christmas, Christian film, bro?
Brad: I'll make one.
Jake: Let's do this.
Brad: A religious spoof movie?
Jake: No, not even spoof. Genuine. I want a genuine movie.
Brad: [laughing throughout] This is gonna be like on South Park, when they wanted to come up with their own Christian rock band.
Jake: I want this to be genuine. You know how hilarious that would be?
Brad: Especially if we get it to star the atheists in our group.
Jake: All of them, which is pretty much all of us.
Brad: Starring Dave and Brian. But yeah, yeah, this was...if you want to know more about what we have to say about this movie, there's three videos worth of it.
Jake: Three. A movie so bad, all of the regulars had to see it.
Brad: And I guarantee you that this movie will probably be on their lists, too. Because again, objectively speaking, this is one of the worst movies I've seen in theaters in a decade. It is, even beyond the stuff that I've put at #1 in previous years.
Jake: Oh, yeah.
Jake: They are. They're bad, but they're movies.
Brad: Yeah, this isn't even that. This is just insane ramblings of a conspiracy theorist, but it's advertised as a movie. It's not even advertised as the movie that it is. It's advertised as if it's supposed to be like this anti...
Jake: War on Christmas
Brad: Like Jingle All the Way, but about the War on Christmas.
Jake: Yeah, about the War on Christmas because of that explosion with him throwing candy canes and shit on the cover.
Brad: It's not that. If anything, this movie actually makes fun of the War on Christmas, which, okay, bravo for that; the War on Christmas is dumb. Whatever, I'm actually glad that's not what this movie was about, 'cause that would've made this miserable to sit through. Like, at least what it is, like, now it kinda does make fun of that a little bit, which really made it even more confusing, because I know Kirk Cameron himself, like, is always on Fox talking about a lot of things about the War on Christmas, or what those two guys at the party were talking about. So there was this weird moment of almost self-parody in the movie that made it very confusing 'cause I don't know why these characters are in it. It was weirdly ADRed. And plus, that racial, kinda gay stereotype of the black dude. Wow!
Jake: That was bad.
Brad: The biggest stereotype I've seen since Skids and Mudflap.
Brad: This is going back to, like, Mantan Moreland. Holy shit.
Jake: Overly effeminate gay black man, wow!
Brad: This is what Kirk Cameron thinks black people are.
Jake: Closeted, too. And all he appears to be, this awkwardly closeted homosexual black guy.
Brad: Who compares Wild Shirt Friday, or whatever it was, to the March on Washington. Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Well, I think that's it. Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas, you knew it was gonna happen. Maybe. There were some people who thought that was gonna turn up on my Best list.
Jake: Why the fuck would they think that?
Brad: Probably 'cause I sent everyone to it, and I technically did recommend it. I technically still do recommend it, but you know, in the same way, "go see The Identical," in the same of, for me anyway, "go see Winter's Tale."
Jake: Man, I can't even recommend, "go see Winter's Tale!"
Brad: Oh, I can.
Jake: You're gonna be mad at me.
Brad: I can, I totally can.
Jake: Of course you can, but you're an asshole.
Brad: I am, I'm an asshole. I gave so much money to Saving Christmas.
Jake: I know, dude. And not only was Saving Christmas technically quite possibly the worst movie I have seen, just in an all-around fashion, it brought me, fucking, that terrible coffee that you made me drink, and then Mr. Sun, so I have to deal with this shit well after that movie.
Brad: Jake, it's your old friend, Mr. Sun.
Jake: Goddammit, Mr. Sun, please go away.
Brad: I got a gander at your list. Sounds like someone needs a good ten cups of some happy coffee.
Jake: I don't need ten cups of happy coffee, Mr. Sun. Take your coffee and shove it up your ass! Stop bothering me, you big yellow bastard! I don't want your coffee, I don't want your happiness, I don't want your rays of goldenness, I want you to disappear!
Brad: So I take it decaf.
Brad: Well, it's coming up probably when I get back from...tomorrow, I'm leaving for MAGFest. Well, okay, I'm posting this three or four days from now. I'm already in Washington at this point.
Jake: You're a wizard.
Brad: I'm a wizard. As soon as I get back, we'll get together and do the Dave, Brian and Sarah list.
Jake: I'm not invited.
Brad: Oh, you can still come, see how our lists line up.
Jake: No, fuck those guys.