The Worst Films of 2014 (Brian, Sarah and Dave)
February 12th, 2015
Brian: All right, how do we look as a unit?
Dave: I...you two look fantastic. I feel so little between you guys, 'cause I'm sitting in the hole. Like, I am as tall as both of you; what the fuck is happening?
Brian: Well, she's sitting up really straight.
Sarah: I have good posture, what do you want from me?
Dave: [leaning forward] I'm just gonna be like this the whole time. Hi.
Brian: That's a good angle.
Sarah: Join us, won't you, as we count down our ten worst movies of the year.
Dave: Is that the cold open? Are we going with it?
Brian: We're going for it.
Dave: Yeah, ten worst movies of the year. It's almost February, it's about fucking time we did this.
Brian: I look at it like this, 'cause I know we had kind of like a delay of game doing ours. I just figure, ours is closer to awards season.
Sarah: Ah, yeah, yeah.
Brian: So there's that. It's also closer to the Super Bowl, so I don't know if that counts for anything either.
Sarah: Should we, like, give a silly name, then, to the dubious awards we're about to bestow? Like the Badsies or the Don't-Wanna-Goes?
Brian and Dave laugh
Dave: I like the Don't-Wanna-Goes.
Brian: And the I-Don't-Wannas.
Dave: That's my reaction almost every week. "Hey, buddy, would you mind?"
Sarah: I don't wanna go.
Brian: I just figure this'll make a good halftime show for anyone who doesn't wanna watch the actual halftime show.
Dave: Or the Puppy Bowl.
Brian: You know, those people are fascists if you don't wanna watch the Puppy Bowl and the Kitten Halftime Show.
Sarah: The Kitten Halftime Show and the Puppy Bowl both have the problem where the first five minutes, it's the best thing ever, and after that, you're like, "fucking puppies again?"
Brian: No, but then at the very end, there's like, glitter bomb.
Sarah: Yeah, and the Kitten Halftime Show, but the thing is, the kittens, nine times out of ten, don't give a shit about the glitter bomb.
Brian: Especially the one that, like, eats the glitter.
Sarah: He's the winner.
Brian: So I promise, we actually did watch movies this year.
Sarah; So who wants to go first?
Sarah: Okay. So, for #10, I've got Winter's Tale. And honestly, I didn't really see that many bad movies this year.
Dave: We sure did.
Sarah: Some of the middling bits...
Brian: I can't imagine how that feels.
Dave: Yeah, what's that like, Sarah.
Sarah: You should probably feel sorry for me.
Dave: This is your first year doing this horrible list.
Brian: Yeah, yeah.
Sarah: [holding up book] I'm pretty excited; I wrote them all down in my book.
Dave: Welcome to the club.
Brian: Yeah, technically, this was supposed to be my year to see good movies.
Dave: Same here!
Brian: I had a list that I had to whittle down to ten.
Dave: Same here. After last year, we were promised good movies this year. I think he lied to us.
Brian: Three of the movies on my list that I had to look through were from January.
Sarah: Most of the movies on my list, I had to re-watch the video so I could remember what my opinion was.
Dave: But anyway.
Sarah: #10., Winter's Tale. And the reason it's so long down, even though it's objectively one of the worst movies this year, because I enjoyed it so much that I actually made other people watch it.
Dave: Twice. Twice. Made me watch it twice.
Sarah: It got pretty high on Jake's list, and he didn't even see it in theaters, he saw it at my Christmas party, when I sat everyone down and was like, "time to watch The Winter's Tale!"
Brian: I didn't know we could include movies we didn't see in theaters.
Dave: Oh, yeah, there's a few on mine.
Brian: Well, that objectively changes my whole list. I'm not gonna change it though. I'm not gonna go to the trouble.
Sarah: So #10., A Winter's Tale. I don't know how in-depth you're supposed to go on these things.
Dave: As much as you want to.
Sarah: Well, you've heard my opinions on Winter's Tale. It's batshit insane, but I've been quoting it all year. So that's the reason it's not higher up, because I'd watch it again in a heartbeat.
Dave: There's nothing like walking out of the bathroom in the morning and just hearing Sarah scream, "HORSE!"
Sarah: Horse! Found the goddamn horse...while he was in the bathroom apparently.
Brian: I can see that being a little jarring at 7:00 AM, like, goddammit, I just woke up. Can't he find the horse tomorrow? I'm trying to sleep.
Dave: My #10 was Dracula Untold. Of the bad movies I've seen this year, I mean, it was pretty horrendous, but it was not the most horrendous, by any means. It was just a really bad Dracula movie. It would've been a really cool, like, action movie if it wasn't Dracula.
Brian: Yeah, that was one, I think, there's a really fun video game in there somewhere.
Dave: Yeah! That would be an amazing video game for the N...a great 8-bit video game. Like, weird Castlevania-type fucking game. But it was not a fun movie to sit through. It had elements that I thought were really fun, like the dude from Game of Thrones being the fucking Nosferatu was great.
Brian: Charles Dance.
Sarah: Okay. Kinda looks like Nosferatu anyway.
Dave: But the rest of it is just so fucking batshit weird and out there, and the idea that they're trying to build a universe on top of that, of great, beloved, wonderful things, on top of that...that's why it got #10 on my list.
Brian: Yeah, that one was another misfire, like The Wolfman a couple years ago. It had all of the makings of being a success, and it just wasn't.
Dave: Well, The Wolfman a couple years ago.
Brian: I'm still unconvinced that Benicio Del Toro isn't a wolfman.
Dave: No, he was great in, like, there was some weird stuff about that. Overall, I thought that was a good-looking movie in a much...if that had been like, "we're gonna make this and we're gonna build a universe on top of that movie," I would've been much more game for it.
Sarah: Well, if I had gotten a #11, it would've been I, Frankenstein. 'Cause again, it had the problem of being not as insane as I expect it to be, while still being pretty dumb.
Dave: It was dumb, but it was fun, that's why it didn't make my list.
Sarah: I made notes next to the ones I wrote my opinion ones on, and this one I have, "unapologetically dumb; Sarah had fun; written by a five-year-old; not remotely good."
Brian: My #10 was actually the first movie I saw last year. Legend of Hercules.
Dave: Oh, yeah, with King Ed Glaser
Brian: With King Ed Glaser. That is the one redeeming quality that that movie had, was goddamn King Ed Glaser.
Sarah: I have not heard of this.
Brian: The main villain of the movie is Scott Adkins...
Dave: With a beard.
Brian: With a beard, looks surprisingly like Ed.
Sarah: Oh, okay.
Brian: So, that movie starts with him, like, killing the former king and, you know, usurping the throne and all that. So yeah, for the rest of the... I don't even remember what his character's name even was; I just know that that is how I remember that character. That's how Ed is in Lettie's phone. If he calls, it comes up King Ed Glaser.
Sarah: When he calls me, it comes up as Doctor Kamaze
Dave: Ed never calls me.
Brian: That got sad. But it's...of the...it's dumb that I'm saying this. Of the two big-budget Hercules movies this year, this one...it just felt really tame, and then when things would happen, it was just so goddamn stupid. Like, it was basically Gladiator for most of the movie. It was just a ripoff of Gladiator if it was shot like 300 or...what was that other one? Immortals?
Dave: Yeah, that one was all shiny.
Brian: And then, like, towards the end, this, like, weird shit started happening, like he's got, like, a sword and he gets hit by lightning, but he contains the lightning, and then suddenly, he's got, like, this giant lightning sword that's 30 feet long, so it more so looks like a big electric whip.
Sarah: And Neil deGrasse Tyson gets on Twitter and explains why that totally couldn't happen.
Brian: Buzzkill. Smartest man currently alive.
Dave: He's my fucking hero right now. Watch Cosmos.
Brian: Yeah, watch Cosmos, not any of the three movies we just listed.
Dave: Anything we're gonna talk about. Well, maybe some things.
Brian: Well, yeah. But Legend of Hercules. If you're gonna watch either of them, watch the one with Dwayne Johnson in it.
Dave: The Rock.
Brian: He's a professional.
Sarah: Oh, 'cause the end of the preview for that one always gave me giggle-fits.
Brian: No, it's actually a fairly decent movie that's actually...like, it had some decent layering to it. It's like, oh, turns out he's not this man of legend, it just happens he's got a team of people who work with him to help him pull off these big cons on all of these people.
Sarah: Oh, okay.
Brian: Like, the hydra's not a big mythological serpent with multiple heads. No, it was like a group of bandits who wore weird snake masks. But to keep up the myth, they purported that it was a big beastie. You know, it was like all these different things until weird shit starts happening, and then he's like, "oh, shit, we do need to be able to do all this stuff we make up bullshit about."
Sarah: Kinda like A Bug's Life?
Brian: [long pause] Sure. But, you know, of the two Hercules movies, that one was way fucking better. It was a much more enjoyable sit. It wasn't that great of a movie, but it was fun. The other one, it felt...it felt like you were doing the Labors of Hercules yourself.
Sarah and Brian share a laugh while Dave pets him on the head
Dave: Oh, you're so pretty.
Brian: Good thing.
Sarah: #9, I've got Before I Go to Sleep.
Brian: The fuck was that?
Dave: What the fuck was that one?
Brian: I honestly have no recollection of that movie.
Sarah: A problem that we're gonna be in this video, and that's that a lot of you guys' stuff will be like, "oh, yeah, I remember we went and saw that one."
Brian: Remember, we saw that one together?
Sarah: Before I Go to Sleep, remember that one? When Nicole Kidman had amnesia?
Dave: Oh, that one! I remember you told me about that one. Okay.
Sarah: The first note I have is, "barely remember it," because, well, Brad sent me a list of the "bad" movies I'd seen this year, and I'm like, "I don't recognize half of the stuff on this list," and I cited Before I Go to Sleep because the name of it is just so not a very good description of the movie. But it's basically the one where Nicole Kidman got bonked across the head by the guy she was having an affair with so many years ago, so it's basically if 50 First Dates was like a mystery-thriller. And Colin Firth beat the unholy shit out of her halfway through it.
Brian: I like to think that 50 First Dates is a mystery-thriller...
Brian: What's going on with Sean Astin's love of, like, mesh half-shirts?
Dave: Oh, I forgot about that.
Brian: Remember? He's, like, the overly butch, potentially gay brother, but he's always wearing mesh half-shirts and, like, Zubaz pants.
Sarah: But it's basically like at the end of 50 First Dates, when she wakes up on the boat all pregnant, and she's basically fine with it after it's explained, like, via video montage; whereas, you know, any normal woman would wake up screaming 'cause, why the fuck am I pregnant? It's basically like that, where she keeps waking up and trying to piece her life back together via, like, a hidden camera she's got in a drawer. But it made it on the list because...
Dave: It's good she remembers that camera.
Sarah: It's got that Memento factor where, even if it's a relatively good movie, I'm still not gonna like it 'cause that's like a phobia of mine, of losing your memory like that.
Brian: Other people just taking the piss?
Sarah: Yeah, exactly. People are fucking with her throughout the entire movie, and you try to figure out who's fucking with her the most; turns out it's Colin Firth.
Brian: That was, like...one of your favorite scenes in Memento was, like, Carrie-Anne Moss, like, threatens him.
Sarah: Where he, like, punches her and forgets that he punches her, she's like, "somebody punched me!"
Brian: Yeah, it's like, takes all the pens and is like, "I'm gonna walk outside and come back in, and I'll be your best fucking friend, 'cause you won't know it 'cause you're a goddamn retard."
"Oh, what happened?"
"He beat me."
Sarah: Yeah, it's like that, 'cause in the middle of the movie, you find out that Colin Firth is actually the guy that punched her in the brain, and she forgot about stuff, and has just been pretending to be her husband. And so, he's, like, keeping her in the house, putting himself in all of her pictures, and Photoshopped a wedding photo. And she finally figures out that, like, what had happened with her and Mark, and so she, like, explains it to him and shows him the camera, and he's like, "oh," and then starts punching her in the head. It's fucking awful.
Sarah: I've got, "barely remember it; better than Trespass; good acting; gave me a stomachache; well-made."
Brian: Well done.
Sarah: Thank you.
Dave: So, for my #9, I'm doing that thing where people actually get annoyed about this shit, but I'm putting two movies in the same spot.
Sarah: How dare you?
Dave: Yeah, because they're on the list for the exact same fucking reason. Those two movies are Let's Be Cops and Knights of Badassdom. And they're on the list because they were...they could've been so much, much more, but they were completely... Decent casts, decent concepts, some good funny bits, both of them, but overall, just complete wastes of everything that they had going for them. And I know you liked Let's Be Cops a little more than I did.
Brian: Yeah, I got around to watching it here a couple weeks ago. I didn't... it's not a great movie.
Dave: No, and it's not a bad movie. The other reason both those movies are on my list is because I really wanted to like them. Like, I was earnestly looking forward to both of them, and they were both...not even...didn't live up to a tenth of my expectations. Which...neither of them are terrible movies. And objectively, are they two of the ten worst movies...or eleven worst movies of the year? No. But they let me down, so they're on my list.
Brian: I can get that.
Dave: Yeah, just had all the right elements, but didn't hit the right notes.
Brian: No, I can get that 'cause I have, I think, one or two on my list that kind of fall into a similar category on there. Like, not that it was the worst movie of the year, but just like, it was a fucking letdown.
Dave: Yeah, and Let's Be Cops, even from the trailers, I knew, like, these are the funniest bits in the movie, but I was hoping there was gonna be more to tie them together. And in retrospect, I probably do like that movie a little more than the initial review was, now that I think about things. And Knights of Badassdom had some great parts in it, and a lot of good, funny actors doing good, funny things, but it was...the pacing was so fucking off. And there's weird elements of it...if you're gonna watch a movie about LARPing and shit, watch Role Models. It's funnier.
Brian: My #9 was Devil's Due.
Sarah: Which one was that?
Brian: It was the found-footage version of Rosemary's Baby.
Sarah: Okay. Did you guys see that together?
Dave: Nope. I just remember that.
Brian: It's beyond fucking stupid. But it's one of those movies where...okay, it's found-footage, but it seriously stretches the fucking concept. And the entire thing hinges on the fact that hopefully, no one who's filming ever gets around to watching their own fucking videos. Because they have video proof of all of this happening, they just never fucking watch it. Like, it's...this couple gets married and they go to, like, Haiti for their honeymoon, and end up getting abducted by, like, this Satanic cult, and, like, the devil impregnates this dude's wife. And then the devil worshipers put them back in their hotel room, and they just think it was, like, a weird night of drinking. And it's, like, she starts acting more and more erratic 'cause, like, the baby's growing, it's doing weird shit. But it's the sort of thing where, like, half the time they're filming, there's no reason they should be filming. Like, he'll come into the room with his camera running and set it down, and then they'll just have a conversation about like, "how was your day"-type bullshit.
Sarah: Capture that for posterity.
Brian: Yeah, 'cause, like, the tenuous setup they go for is that he's recording on their wedding day, and then he's recording their honeymoon, and then as soon as they get back from their honeymoon, that's when they find out that she's pregnant. And then he's decides to start filming everything to have, like, "here's, like, your parents before you were born" video.
Dave: Look how much happier we were.
Brian: And it gets so fucking weird, and it's really, really bad, and it's one of those movies where, by the end of it, despite the fucking mountains of video evidence showing all of this, the husband ends up getting, like, arrested for his wife's murder because, by the end of it, the devil, like, gets bored and she dies. And then that's when the cops show up. It was like, "oh, the house is mostly blown apart, which is weird, and all these Satanic symbols carved everywhere, which is also weird, but she's dead and you're alive, so you must have killed her." So the dude gets arrested.
It's a dumb movie, it's a terrible premise. It sequel-baits itself, which, hopefully, there's not another one. As far as found-footage movies go, it really fucking pushes the premise. I get the whole recording thing, but every five minutes when they realize that the previous reason they gave you is running out, they'll come up with a new reason. You know, "oh, it's the wedding. Oh, it's the honeymoon. Oh, we're recording this for the baby. Now there's weird stuff happening, well, I'm gonna keep recording just in case something weird happens to you while I'm at work. Oh, now I know there's weird stuff happening, so I'm gonna keep recording to see what I can find out. Oh, now there's people, like, attacking our house; I'll put in a security system that records everything." It's like you're running out of reasons why you have a camera in your hand for over nine months.
Sarah: Look, I just bought this GoPro; I wanna get some use out of it.
Brian: It's not even a GoPro, it's like...he's just carrying around a standard, pretty decent camcorder. But yeah, that's the thing, too. Most found-footage movies take place over a couple days. No, this one takes place over a full-term pregnancy. Nine months.
Sarah: Sex Tape. Were you at Sex Tape with me?
Brian: I was. It was on my list, but I didn't pick it.
Dave: If that had been a found-footage movie.
Brian: [looking at the list on his phone] Oh, wait, no, I did pick it.
Brian: It's actually my #8!
Dave: Go for it, fellas!
Brian and Sarah high-five
Sarah: Okay, so for Sex Tape, I have written, "not as bad as expected, rich white people problems."
Brian: "Comma, hey look, everybody! Apple products!"
Sarah: Oh, no, our Apple products are too good, and that has caused problems of their own.
Brian: Seriously, that was a fucking commercial.
Sarah: Uh-huh. It was basically like, oh, no...
Brian: There's product placement, but...
Sarah: iPads are so inexpensive and easy to use that when I buy a new one, I just give my old ones away to my friends and family, and have them interconnected, so I can give them music easily and conveniently.
Brian: It's like, wow, what a great idea! What's that, you can do remote things on your iPhone to your iPad?
Sarah: It's so easy, I just did it accidentally.
Brian: Man, like, you should totally show us how and demonstrate it a few times over the course of this movie.
Sarah: It's lower down on my list than it would've been, but I think, at the time, I was just so grateful that it wasn't as bad as I was expecting, 'cause it could've been a lot more embarrassing than it was. But, like, in retrospect, it had some pretty fucking embarrassing parts, like when he fell off the balcony because he thought his child was gonna play the sex tape on a monitor in front of the entire school in an auditorium. That was awful.
Brian: Like, his nemesis in the whole movie is...
Sarah: ...an eight-year-old boy. The son of one of his friends, no less. Wasn't that friend in on it, too? Like, he knew that there was a sex tape? I bet at that point, you could say, "hey, your kid has caught on to the sex tape thing and is trying to blackmail me. You should probably have words with him."
It was just a really stupid movie, it was not remotely enjoyable. #8., Sex Tape.
Dave: [sitting back with his arms outstretched] Yeah, that was bad, wasn't it, guys?
Brian: I'm pretty much right there with you. The only enjoyment...
Sarah: [to Dave] You're getting awfully handsy.
Dave: I'm right in the middle.
Sarah: You have nowhere to put your hands.
Dave: I could do the T-rex thing.
Brian: The only really enjoyable part was her boss, who was Rob Lowe.
Sarah: Yeah, the Rob Lowe part was pretty funny, where she ended up, like, doing blow with him to distract him.
Brian: Yeah, he had all those weird paintings around his house of, like, moments from Disney movies, but with his face superimposed onto everything. So he had a painting of him, like, presenting Simba at Pride Rock, but it's his face, still a lion cub, but his face; or like, Bambi frolicking in the woods, and again, it has his face on it.
Sarah: Yeah, Rob Lowe is comedy gold right now.
Dave: That's pretty fantastic, actually.
Brian: Yeah, and he starts having this weird breakdown, like he's such a stiff-upper-lip, conservative character, and then they meet him at his house, he's doing drugs and listening to, like, early '90s gangsta rap. He's got all sorts of weird, obscene tattoos.
Sarah: Okay, so I will give to you. I will give you that, that that part was funny, but the rest of the movie was so...
Brian: Yeah, it wasn't enough to hold up the rest of the movie.
Sarah: ...lackluster. The only funny part was the fact that they were touting Apple products.
Brian: Yeah, and the fact that the movie itself became a joke, and it wasn't even a joke that was supposed to happen. Pretty much objectively terrible to me. Like, I fucking hate product placement, especially when it's blatant, but this was a fucking commercial.
Sarah: Product placed in the plot.
Brian: There's literally a scene where he's sitting there at his desk, he's like, "oh, no. Where all is this file at?" Looks at his...he has his son's iPod, sets it down; looks at his iPhone, sets it down; pulls up his iPad, sets it down; opens up his PowerBook, oh, no, slams that shut; turn on my iMac, shit, it's on here, too!
Sarah: It's like the whole range of products is arranged in front of his on his desk.
Brian: On one desk, he has all of these things. It's like, wow, that's the full lineup there.
Dave: Yeah, wow. My #8 is Winter's Tale, because I have seen it twice, because Sarah has made me.
Brian: I've seen it twice now, but that's because it was presented and I was like, "sure, this movie sounds really dumb."
Dave: And it is! It's so fucking dumb! Not a bit of the movie makes fucking sense at all. At all. The horse is a dog? Fucking Will Smith is Satan wearing a Jimi Hendrix shirt in the, fucking what, the '20s?
Sarah: "Don't talk to me about time!"
Dave: Yeah, no, it's just baffling nonsense. And, like, these two...he kills a woman with his dick! He kills a woman with his dick!
Sarah: He straight-up fucked her to death.
Brian: Dick to bomb.
Dave: And how he didn't know that was gonna happen, with her weird fucking disease.
Sarah: He's, like, [puffs three times] blowing on her to keep her cool the whole time. Like, fanning.
Dave: They should've left the love scene in then, or more of it.
Sarah: 'Cause I remember too, 'cause I've seen this movie multiple times at this point, when he's humping her, he's not just humping her, he's, like, laying on her and humping her, so she's might as well have been fucking a bearskin blanket. Ah, Winter's Tale.
Dave: Fucking horrendous, and it would be higher on my list if it weren't so goddamn funny. There's two movies on my list this year that I honestly enjoy because they're that awful, and this is one of them. I don't know that I ever need to see it again, but it was fun to watch. It was just a bad movie, and it has to be on there.
Sarah: Well, I showed it at the Christmas party because it was kind of like, what's the silliest Christmas movie I could...oh, I know. But next year, I think it'll probably be a different movie.
Sarah: #7., Brick Mansions.
Brian: Shit, I got #7, Brick Mansions!
Dave: Wow, you guys are doing what me and Brian did last year.
Brian: Yeah, like, the last three on ours last year were, like, the same things.
Sarah: Okay, I have written, "District Brick 13," which I think was a quote from you. "Aggressively sexist changes; dumbed down; and uneven action scenes."
Brian: You have some very distinct talking points there. This one, like, I threw it on my list because...
Dave: I'm gonna take a nap; you guys go ahead. I'm here.
Sarah: Well, have you ever seen District B13?
Dave: Yeah, you showed it to me.
Sarah: Yeah, it's basically, they remade that, point-for-point...
Dave: With Paul Walker.
Sarah: With Paul Walker...
Brian: And an overly stuffed plot. Like, you're doing a remake, just do the same thing again, but with an American this time. They didn't have to do anything else, but instead, they changed, like, half of the movie. And they're not good changes.
Sarah: Yeah, and they introduced that awful lesbian character.
Brian: Yeah, instead of, like, K2 from the original.
Sarah: Plus, it had K2 as a character. It's just that they didn't want him punching the sister, I guess, for some reason. She wasn't even the sister in this version, she was the ex-girlfriend. So they introduced this vaguely Grace Jones-y, lesbian, crazy bad guy character. She was basically only there to beat up the female protagonist.
Brian: Yeah, this movie just... it baffles me that, you have a movie that you're remaking, it's being remade by the same guy who made the original, starring one of the actors from the original. Like, you know, it had two male leads, and one of them's still the same guy. It strikes me as so weird that it could be so different and terrible. Like, it just...it was one of those movies that was highly fucking disappointing to me. I didn't think it was gonna be great; mostly what I was expecting was just the same thing, but with different faces in it.
Sarah: Plus, like, this was Paul Walker's last movie, except for the Fast and the Furious that hasn't come out yet. And it seems sad to have this movie take that position, 'cause he's easily one of the worst parts of it. It's not because he's a bad actor, it's because it's a kung fu movie, and he can't friggin' kung fu fight.
Brian: No, which they point out several times. In the original, it's two equally matched in skill and talent guys; in this one, it's Paul Walker and a guy who can jump off buildings.
Sarah: Like, parkour, parkour, parkour, parkour. Meanwhile, Paul Walker standing there with a steering wheel surrounded by bad guys, and they're just coming up and taking turns trying to punch him.
Brian: Yeah, dude's like, "oh, man, we need to get outta here." Like, he climbs up on somebody's shoulders and he, like, jumps through a tramsill window...
Sarah: Like a little window this big.
Brian: Makes it out of the room, Paul Walker's standing there like, "I don't know what the fuck to do. Punch a guy, then break through the door, I don't know what to do."
Sarah: Maybe he just, like, fell through a wall at one point.
Brian: Admittedly, there's a scene, like, halfway through where they both simultaneously jump up on—like, they're in handcuffs—they jump up on the guy in front of them's... Like, they're surrounded, front and back, by guards.
Sarah: So they kinda, like, climb up the guy in front of them.
Brian: Yeah, they jump up on the other guy's shoulders, and then, like, fucking backflip over the other guy. I am not gonna believe he can suddenly just do a backflip.
Sarah: That's 'cause that scene was from the original, and they wanted to recreate it, but they forgot that they made the character not able to do that anymore. Fucking Brick Mansions.
Dave: Well, my #7 is Heaven Is for Real.
Sarah: Heaven is for real, yo.
Dave: Totes real, you. I don't feel the need to dive into it, I don't I need to explain why it's on the list. It was bad. It was not, by any means, the worst Christian movie of the year, but it was bad.
Brian: There was a whole lot of Christian movies this year.
Dave: There was a fucking ton of Jesus this year. But it was a weird, soaky...sorry...hokey, sentimental, just bullshit coated in sugar and a creepy little kid.
Brian: That kid is fucking weird. Like, that kid, the first time I saw one of the trailers, I'm like, "fuck no."
Dave: The kid, in real life, find his Twitter feed. It's amazing.
Sarah: Amazingly bad?
Brian: How does a fictional character have a Twitter?
Dave: No, that movie is "based on a real story." That person, the real person...the kid in real life is 19 or 20 now, and he's a fucking wackjob.
Brian: Didn't the family in that have some really weird last name, like Buttstuff or something like that?
Dave: Oh, my God, that movie would've been so much better if their last name was Buttstuff.
Sarah: [laughing] Mr. and Mrs. Buttstuff, and the wee Baby Buttstuff.
Brian: Like, I remember in that movie, they had some really weird last name. The actual people had a weird last name, they kept that for the movie version, which is the sort of thing that, for a Hollywood movie, you usually change. But it's like, "oh, man, their real last name is Buttstuff. Why don't we change it to, like, I don't know, Smith...and not Buttstuff."
Dave: It was a fucking Lifetime movie that ended up in a theater.
Sarah: [as Brian goes on his phone] Google "Buttstuff".
Brian: I've done that before. It's exactly what you think it would be.
Sarah: #6 is Vampire Academy. Now, this is one of those movies, I had to go back and re-watch the video.
Dave: Oh, that was February.
Sarah: Yeah, it was way back at the beginning of the year.
Dave: Burpo, yes.
Sarah: I reject that because Buttstuff is so much funnier.
Dave: Doesn't he should be, like, a sidekick character in the fucking Shazam comics?
Brian: Yeah. He's also a tiger.
Dave: No, he'd be the hippo, dude.
Brian: That makes sense.
Sarah: Vampire Academy was basically like a tween movie based on a tween book about a vampire academy, with way too involved a backstory, 'cause there was, like, this...from what Past Sarah has told me, there's, like, two different kinds of vampires. There's evil vampires and there's good vampires. The good vampires turn into an evil vampire if they eat another good vampire. And then there's also humans, and the humans protect the good vampires, but then the good vampires will eat humans, 'cause you don't turn bad if you eat humans. So the movie spends a lot of time explaining that...
Dave: That sounds fucking convoluted as fuck.
Sarah: ...interspersed with tweens making out with each other.
Brian: So if you're a person, they're all bad vampires.
Sarah: I guess so, except that the good-guy vampire lady has, like, her best friend is a person, and the best friend is, like, her bodyguard, 'cause I guess there's, like, these servitor positions where they have a human who acts as their bodyguard.
Dave: If they're a vampire, what the fuck's a human gonna do to protect you? Besides, like, stand over your casket at night.
Sarah: Well, the vampires also have, like, elemental powers they can use, and they're, like...
Dave: Where the fuck are they getting this shit?
Sarah: It's, like, a book series, I guess
Dave: I...I'm not okay with this at all. I feel so little.
Sarah: You didn't have to sit, that's 'cause you kicked your feet up.
Dave: It's like that video where Brad looks like a mannequin sitting in my lap.
Sarah: So, for Vampire Academy, I have written down, "gave me a headache; all exposition and making out; terrible acting," and yes, the acting was terrible in that movie, 'cause it was... They were having to deliver lines from a book that was really poorly written, so it all sounded exactly like how you're imagining it.
Brian: I'm just picturing Twilight in my head.
Sarah: It's not Twilight though, it's like...'cause in Twilight, it's like dramatic pauses...
Brian: It's still terrible writing.
Sarah: ...and meaningful glances and walking down the street expositioning at each other. And I seem to recall the main character girl actually having kind of a good sense of humor, like she had some funny lines in it.
Dave: My #6 is Tammy with Melissa McCarthy, need I say fucking more. I saw that with Irving. Brad sent me with Irving...
Brian: That's 'cause he's such a big Melissa McCarthy fan.
Dave: Probably 'cause we had such a violent, hateful reaction to Identity Thief the year before. And Tammy is not that bad, compared to Identity Thief. It's still a godawful fucking movie with someone who... She showed a little more depth and actual skill as an actor in it, but still not enough to where I think she should be carrying a movie at all. She's not that fucking funny. The "I'm fat and gross" jokes are...
Brian: That's all she's got. Like, I've already seen trailers for her next one, and that's the joke that's the entire run of it.
Dave: But I've seen her in enough other shit playing bit parts that she can do something besides fat and gross. She is capable of it, but that's what she sticks to because, well, it's like Will Ferrell does dumb all the time, and that shtick, for me, has gotten old too. I've seen things with him where it's like, fuck, he's a great actor.
But overall, it was just a dumb, bad, fucking horrible road trip movie with Susan Sarandon playing her grandmother, who's barely old enough to be her fucking mother.
Sarah: Yeah, Susan Sarandon's aged way too gracefully to play a grandma.
Dave: But even age-wise, in real life, she's barely 20 years older than Melissa McCarthy, and she's playing her grandmother. And it's, like, you guys really...Melissa McCarthy is...like, she's not old, but she's...
Brian: She's no spring chicken.
Dave: Yeah, she's not...
Brian: If there was a spring chicken around here, she'd probably eat it.
Dave lets out a loud laugh
Dave: Just a stupid fucking movie.
Brian: Plus, Susan Sarandon's daughter looks half Melissa McCarthy's age, and she still looks like Susan Sarandon's daughter.
Dave: The best part of the whole movie was...what's her fucking face? Never mind, I can't even...it was that bad.
Brian: There was one good spot, and it's blotted out.
Dave: Yeah. It's one of those things, like, overall, as a concept for a movie, not that bad, just not executed very well. And a lot of movies I saw last year, elements of something that could've been a whole lot better, but it just had no interest in trying to live up to that at all, and just stuck to the same fucking shtick that just doesn't work. And it's getting...I fucking hate Melissa McCarthy. It has nothing to do with her fucking weight. It's her persona now, and it's just...fucking...what a waste.
Brian: #6 for me was Need for Speed.
Dave: Which one was that?
Brian: Jesse Pinkman drives a car.
Dave: Oh, yeah. The littlest action hero ever.
Brian: It's, like, God bless him, he tries. It's just...Aaron Paul is a really good actor, but he is not a leading man.
Dave: Well, he could even be a leading man, but I just don't think in the type of movies they keep wanting to put him in. Like, I think he could be a leading man in the same way that Christian Slater could be a leading man. Like, give him the right role.
Brian: Yeah, but this one, like, putting him as, like, you know, you're supposed to buy him as an action-y lead and, like, as this gruff and rough-and-tumble badass and everything, it's just...I can't buy it. I spent, like, what, five, six years of Breaking Bad watching him as just, like, the kind of guy who can't handle himself in any situation, and now I'm supposed to believe he can handle no matter what gets thrown at him. It's just...I can't buy it.
Dave: Yeah, I understand.
Brian: And it's just...again, it's a fucking commercial. The entire premise of the movie is just to show off the new 2015 Ford Mustang.
Sarah: Those are pretty sweet, though.
Dave: Yeah, Brian. Really. Was it? Tell me.
Brian: I don't know. We were looking at that one the other day at the fucking dealership.
Dave: It's, like, 12 miles per gallon in the city.
Brian: And he uses that car in a cross-country race. Like it's the fucking Cannonball Run.
Dave: Did he strap a fucking extra gas tank on top of the car?
Brian: No, but he did have people along the way, like...at one point, they're, like, refueling mid-drive and stuff like that.
Dave: That seems dangerous.
Brian: A guy with a souped-up pickup truck kinda, like, reaches over and...he also has his navigator in the car, like, go back and is helping, you know, plug in the fuel line and refuel while they're driving.
Dave: That seems really dangerous.
Brian: Yeah, you're not supposed to refuel while you're driving.
Sarah: That could ignite, couldn't it, or did they disprove that on Mythbusters.
Brian: I have no idea. I know that, at the gas pump, it still says turn your car off before you start refueling. But yeah, it's just such a dumb movie that stretches a lot of fucking premises. Like, at one point, he drives it off a cliff because a friend of his manages to talk the Air Force into loaning him a helicopter.
Brian: He's a former...he worked in, like, the Air Force or something. He goes to, like, a base...out-of-state base halfway across the country from where they live, talks them into letting him borrow one of their cargo helicopters. So then, while there's this big chase scene going on... He's racing cross-country so he can take part in another race just as soon as he gets there, but you have to apply for the thing in person; and he lives in New England, and it takes place in, like, San Diego or something. So he's getting cross-country and his...
Sarah: So he had a "need for speed"?
Brian: His nemesis in...no. His nemesis in the movie kinda orders a hit on his car, so other people are trying to, in their own souped-up race cars, trying to take him out. It steals a lot of bits from, like, Vanishing Point and stuff, too. Like, Michael Keaton's, like, a radio guy who's sponsoring the race and is, like, encouraging him to get there so that he can race in it and all this stuff.
At that point, he drives the car off a cliff to get away from all these cars that are chasing him. After this cargo helicopter has gone overhead and strapped a couple of...like, [demonstrates with his hands] they reach out and grab these straps on this thing and connect them together inside the car and drive it off the cliff, and then it just, like, hangs by the roof of the car...
Brian: ...until they can, like, set it down and they take off again.
Dave: That would rip right the fuck off.
Brian: Yeah, 'cause it would. It's a really fucking dumb movie.
Sarah: Let's Be Cops.
Brian: You guys really didn't like that movie.
Sarah: I didn't laugh once. I think I got a little back of a chuckle when Natasha Leggero showed up.
Dave: See, I hated her in that fucking movie.
Brian: I don't know who that is.
Sarah: She was the hooker lady whose apartment they were in when they were on the stakeout.
Brian: Oh, okay.
Sarah: I just wrote, "tone-deaf; not funny." I don't have much else to say about it that I didn't already say in the video. I think it had the opposite problem from Sex Tape, which is that it was so much worse than I expected it to be that it kept going in that direction of the spectrum just from sheer momentum, if that makes sense.
Dave: Well, that's how it ended up on my list as well.
My #5, The Best of Me.
Brian just nods
Sarah: Which one was that?
Dave: Exactly. It was the Nicholas...
Sarah: Oh, that your guys' Nicholas Sparks movie.
Dave: Yeah, that was our Nicholas Sparks movie, which...we got a trailer for a new Nicholas Sparks movie the other night, which yaaahh!
Brian: Which, I was really surprised at the beginning of it, it wasn't like...
Sarah: Was that the Alan Alda one?
Brian: Yeah. The Longest Ride. I was really surprised at the beginning of it. It was like, "from the writer of The Notebook and Dear John." I was like, "why not mention the last one he did?"
Dave: Because it was a steaming piece of shit.
Brian: It was fucking awful.
Dave: Farfetched, ridiculous bullshit. Like, if the movie had even an ounce of realism, the main character would've died in the first fucking scene. Just...bad. Like, everything wrong with romance movies personified and just condensed. Bad casting, bad ideas, bad everything.
Brian: Yeah, I have to wonder if that was, like, a thing that he wrote in his spare time or something. Like, not one of his big, you know, commercial hits; just something that he was, like, dicking around on, didn't plan on publishing until like, "we'll give you this bag of money," and he's like, "a'ight."
Dave: Kind of like Stephen King and The Shawshank Redemption? Like, "oh, yeah, I remember doing that."
"You wanna make a movie?"
Dave: It's a great movie. Awesome.
Brian: I put As Above So Below.
Sarah: Do tell. Apparently, that's the movie they pushed back The Loft for, so it must be good.
Brian: Yeah, it must be good. That was one that, it wasn't a good movie, and the viewing experience of it made it that much worse. 'Cause that's the one we were at the night that we had, like, a freak monsoon come through.
Dave: Oh, I remember that. What friggin' movie was I at that night? Yeah. Oh, we were at November Man.
Brian: Yeah, you were at November Man. Yeah, As Above So Below, yeah, that's the one where we were watching it, and that crazy storm came through that actually knocked the power out in the theater. The theater started flooding. Lettie was calling me from the house that we didn't have power and there was 15 inches of water in our basement.
Sarah: Oh, no. Is that when all of your boxes floated and tipped over.
Brian: Yeah. Fun fact about Storage Totes. They'll totally keep things dry...
Sarah: But they're also full of air.
Brian: ...until they reach that buoyancy point to where they're floating, and then everything that's inside of it that you didn't think about needing to float is suddenly uneven, and it tips over, and then fills with water, and then it just sinks with all of your belongings in it. Kinda sucks.
Sarah: That was a sad story.
Dave: It's been that kind of year, kids.
Brian: Lost a lot of good action figures in that one.
Sarah: You can just towel 'em dry.
Brian: No, they got, like, mold all over 'em.
Dave: Hit 'em with a hose.
Brian: Paint started coming off of some of them, accessories started rotting.
Sarah: Well, it feels like a situation where, if you've got a box, you full, that's full of good stuff, but is also full of sludge and mold, you can just throw the box away.
Brian: But yeah.
Sarah: Like that episode of Friends with Monica's boxes in the garage. Got...never mind.
Brian: And that's my opinion of As Above So Below—it was so bad, it ruined my actual life. No, it was just a very stupid fucking movie. Like, even with their own premise, it made no sense.
Dave: [after yawning] Sorry, you're just boring me.
Brian: You're boring me.
Dave: One of those days.
Brian: It was a terrible premise that didn't...like, it didn't do itself any favors. It was one of those, like, ultra-convenient sort of things like, "oh, man, we're searching for the philosopher's stone underneath Paris, down in, like, the catacombs."
Sarah: ...at Hogwarts.
Brian: Right? But it's like, aw, man, their camera guy they have on staff, he can hook up everybody on the team with a little micro-like spy-sized camera that he mounts to their headlamp. But the problem with that idea is that if you put a camera on someone's headlamp, in order to see them when you're looking at them, you have to have the headlamp pointed directly at them. So you have a lot of scenes where the actors are having a back-and-forth conversation, and anytime they're not the one who's talking, their headlamp is pointed straight up. So really, they'd just be having a conversation where you can hear audio and you can see the fucking ceiling.
Sarah: That makes a lot of sense 'cause you can't have conversations with people [points her head down] looking like that.
Brian: No. But if they had it pointed forward, all you would see is just somebody's bright flashlight at you. But then when they're talking, you can clearly see that other person's face is lit up. Yeah, they make mistakes like that constantly throughout the movie. Like, it'll be like a scene where someone's, like, looking at someone talking that's filming, but then it'll flip to, like, a third person who wasn't prior in the conversation looking at them having the same conversation. You can see that they their things pointed straight up, or they're not even wearing it. It's like, really?
Sarah: #4. Moms' Night Out.
Dave: Fuck yeah, baby.
Dave and Sarah high-five
Sarah: Did you get it for #4?
Dave: Oh yeah.
Brian: [presenting his hand, then drawing it back] You have the floor. I didn't see it.
Dave: Well, you can be in anyway. [Takes a five from Brian] Yeah!
Brian: I'll five you, though. I love high-fives. [Brian and Sarah high-five] Yeah!
Dave: Yeah, Moms' Night Out. Wow, that was a fucking misogynistic, just misrepresentation of mental illness, horrible piece of shit.
Sarah: I re-watched it. I still don't think it was misogynistic. I think it was extremely mean to people with anxiety issues.
Dave: Oh, very much so.
Sarah: "Insensitive," that's the word I was looking for.
Brian: Which one was this one?
Sarah: This is the one where, it was, like, the red-headed lady, the pretty red-headed lady, and she wants to just have a moms night out, just her and her girlfriends go out and everything goes to shit and their husbands lose some of the babies and one of them sits on and kills the family bird, and it's all hijinks-y and secretly Christian. Sean Astin plays her husband.
Brian: I don't remember any of this.
Sarah: Well, you weren't at it.
Brian: No, I mean I've never heard of this.
Sarah: I'm surprised you didn't get a preview for it at one of your Jesus-y movies.
Dave: [briefly putting his arm around Brian's shoulder] Well, I know what we're gonna do later this month, buddy
Sarah: No, fuck that. I don't wanna watch this movie again.
Dave: Aw, baby, why not?
Sarah: Moms' Night Out, I've got written, "anxiety issues; uncomfortable; implications; Sarah didn't hate as much as Dave and Brad." Honestly, I re-watched the video, and I seemed to kinda be playing devil's advocate in it. But with time having passed, it was a terrible piece of shit.
Dave: It was fucking horrible. It was just one of those movies where, okay, yeah, I can get behind a movie where, like, here's the situation and things go awry and someone's gotta clean up. But...it was meant to be a comedy, but it wasn't funny, it was just kind of sad and depressing.
Sarah: It was super-sad, 'cause the lady was having crippling panic attacks where, like, she would get so stressed out that she would cramp down to a ball and hide in her closet and watch this video of an eagle taking care of its babies, and so they decided that the best solution to that is that she should have a girls night out 'cause that'll solve everything.
Brian: You know what you need? You need to go out, treat yourself to a nice Cobb salad and maybe have a couple Mai Tais.
Dave: Also, she was a blogger.
Sarah: Yes, a mommy blogger.
Dave: Yes, a mommy blogger.
Sarah: So every once in a while, they would show her typing and the blog would play across the screen like Doogie Howser.
Brian: [singing] Doo-doo.
Dave: Yeah, not only with voice-over, but so you could read it. Just a horrible woman.
Sarah: It was an awful, terrible movie. I got one other note written here on Moms' Night Out, but I shall address it in a little bit.
Sarah: [as Dave tries to peek] It's a secret.
Brian: Well, I didn't go see Baby's Day Out. Instead, my #4 is A Million Ways to Die in the West.
Dave: Oh, yeah, you hated that movie.
Sarah: Yeah, Brad was saying that didn't even make his list, but that was 'cause he'd seen a lot of bad movies this year.
Dave: I'm surprised that was only #4 for you.
Brian: 3, 2, and 1 are that much worse.
Dave: Break it down for us.
Brian: Yeah, 'cause this movie, it was just absolutely fucking terrible. Like, it's the sort of movie I think made sense on paper, and as soon as it was off of paper, they should have stopped it. I still believe that this movie was made because Ted did so fucking well that they gave Seth MacFarlane, like, carte blanche to do what he wanted with another project, and what he made was an over-two-hour-long Family Guy episode that was live-action and kind of a musical.
Sarah: What's the plot of it? I knew, like, it was a western, and Neil Patrick Harris was in it.
Brian: Yeah, basically, the plot is that Seth MacFarlane is a worthless human being. Literally, he has no worth. No one likes him, and he's not good at anything.
Dave: I know people like that.
Brian: And he ends up meeting this gal who's pretty badass, played by Charlize Theron, and they end having sort of a relationship. But it turns out she's there because she's hiding from her murderous husband, who's Liam Neeson.
Sarah: Can I ask, what accent Liam Neeson?
Brian: Liam Neeson. He could've just as easily been filming Taken or anything else. It's not like he tried for a western accent. And he basically, like, shows up in the town, and Seth MacFarlane's like, "I'll protect her," and ends up getting caught in a situation where he has to duel him in, like, one week's time, and he has no idea how to use a gun. She has to train him, and then they get in a gunfight. He wins the day.
Sarah: And meanwhile, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke.
Brian: Yeah, meanwhile, it is just a string of non sequiturs and one-liners. And mostly, it's like...it's basically...picture a two-hour mash-up of...just go through, like, an entire season or two worth of Family Guy, and just cut out every scene where it's just Brian walking around doing, like, pissy commentary on things. Two and a half hours of that.
Brian: Yeah, that's all he does, is, like, point things out. Point out how ludicrous a thing is, and it'll happen, and have, like, exaggerated reactions to everything that happens. They're watching...they're making this deal of like, "oh, man, look, they're delivering the big block of ice of town. Wow, let's all stand here and watch it because nothing ever happens, so this is the most exciting thing we've ever seen. Man, that's so much ice." It's a piece of ice the size of a refrigerator, and they're lifting it up into a loft in a barn. And...oh, no, one of the ropes snapped, and it crushes a guy to death. Like, just explosion of blood out from the bottom of this thing. And then five minutes of him like, "OH! OH MY GOD! AH! AH! OH MY GOD! Holy shit! That just fucking happened! It just fucking happened! That just fucking happened! AH! AH! AH!" Five minutes of that. Like, every time anything would happen in the movie, there's five minutes of that.
Plus, they stick in a reference to Back to the Future III.
Dave: Of course they did.
Brian: Turns out this takes place in the same town as Back to the Future III. Like, halfway through the movie, he's stumbling home drunk, and he comes across a barn, and Doc Brown's in there working on the fucking DeLorean.
Dave: Was it actually Doc Brown?
Brian: Yes, and it was a DeLorean.
Sarah: The DeLorean...they didn't fix the DeLorean in the third one; they ended up doing the train.
Brian: He was modifying it so they could put it in front of the train. But then, it was stupid, 'cause later on, they had a scene with a train, and they didn't bother putting the DeLorean in front of it, which would have made so much more fucking sense.
Dave: Just a long sight gag.
Brian: It's, like...that would've been a really clever thing to do. Have the rest of that movie revolve around the events of Back to the Future III.
Sarah: Yeah, just make Back to the Future III again.
Brian: Well, no, just like... You don't need to see, like, fucking Clara walking around in the background or anything like that. But, like, you've already done that, then set that up, like... There's a scene later where there's this big chase, and halfway through the chase, like, he races ahead so he can get on the other side of the train so the bad guys can't follow him. It's, like, why not have that be...
Sarah: Make it a DeLorean.
Brian: Well, the train with the DeLorean strapped to it.
Sarah: Yeah, sorry, that's what I mean.
Brian: Stuff like that, that would've been really funny. Bizarre little behind-the-scenes jokes. I know that he likes making ones like that. So, it just seemed dumb that they stopped short. I know that...Brad once told me, there's a whole episode he saw of Family Guy in the past couple years where, like, the entire thing is him trying to track down George Wilbur, the guy who played Michael Myers in Halloween 4.
Dave: That's pretty obscure.
Brian: That a pretty behind-the-scenes fucking obscure joke to try to make. Why not just go ahead and have the train he's running past be the Time Train? Or anything else, like have the fucking clock tower in the background, or something like that. But no, instead, it's just a bunch of really shitty jokes. The worst thing is that this movie would've felt long at an hour and a half; it was, like, two hours fifteen. I think the extended cut they have out on DVD now is a full two and a half hours, which, I don't care what fucking comedy you're watching, that's just too much for a comedy. Ninety minutes—it's a sure thing you're not gonna wear out your welcome, nothing is gonna get stretched thin, you're not going have to try to build too much going on. It's a nice, even mark to hit.
Sarah: #3., Son of God. Did you get #3, Son of God?
Dave: No high-five!
Sarah high-fives herself
Sarah: So, Son of God was a movie that Brian and I went and saw at the beginning of the year, which I've got written, "boring; good acting; horrifying crying; smugasshit..."
Brian: Is that one word?
Sarah: "...disappointingly not as awful and jarring as the trailer was." Because this is the thing we were touting as the "Rock Me Sexy Jesus" movie because...
Brian: I'm coming soon.
Sarah: ...the whole trailer was Jesus just...
Brian: Smoldering at you.
Sarah: Just being as white as shit in front of the tiny brown people. But in the actual movie, he was just boring, boring more than terrible.
Dave: That whole movie, if I'm not mistaken, there's was that TV series, The Bible, and they cut out all the Jesus scenes and made them into a movie.
Sarah: Exactly. It definitely felt like that, 'cause every once in a while, they show little clips of the other scenes, like the Adam and Eve and the apple bit. But for the most part, it was just the Jesus-y bits. And honestly, re-watching the review we did of it, it seemed like the most entertainment we got out of it was the different horrible ways that the different actors cried, 'cause we recreated several of them.
Brian: There was a lot of ugly crying
Sarah mocks crying
Dave: My #3 was Think Like a Man Too, which was one of the most grating, annoying, horrible, just hard to fucking sit through movies I think I've ever seen. It's basically, "hey, Kevin Hart's getting really popular. Let's make a sequel to a movie he was already in and just let him be loud." I like Kevin Hart. I think he's a funny comedian, and somewhat charming as a leading man. This movie was ridiculous. Just ridiculous. Like, he talks throughout the entire thing. When other characters in the movie are having a conversation, instead of letting that conversation play out on screen, they interrupt them with Kevin Hart's voice-over to explain what they're talking about.
Brian: Well, thank God 'cause I never would've been able to follow.
Dave: And end it with a sports reference.
Dave: It's a slam dunk! And it might have been the theater Brad and I were at for it, but every time the voice-over comes over, it's, like, 20 times louder than the rest of the movie, so it's like he's screaming in your ear about everything. And it's just ridiculous.
Brian: It's like Real Genius. It's like, "I'm God."
"I'm listening, Lord."
Dave: It was just ridiculous and horrible, and there was nothing about the movie at all, in any way, that was redeemable. It was bad. Some weird reverse racism in there. Like, they had a token white friend.
Brian: They actually have two white friends in the first one.
Dave: Yeah, in the second one, they have the token white friend, and he's a Republican, so there's lots of little jokes about that.
Brian: Yeah, there's two white friends in the first one, which I found out, and they actually riff on each other, along with all their, you know, black friends. It's like, "what, guys? I'm with you. I hate white people too."
Dave: Just ridic... I think Brad and I went in with, like, kinda high hopes for it. Like, maybe this will be as batshit insane as, like, The Best Man Holiday, which was amazing. That had everything.
Brian: Literally everything.
Sarah: I still need to watch that movie.
Dave: Twice everything. Just Terrence Howard wearing, like, a fucking open silk robe, a head scarf...
Brian: And a candelabra.
Dave: ...aviator sunglasses, and holding a lit candelabra.
Dave: Just fucking perfect.
Brian: Well, I might be jumping the gun on you guys, so I apologize, but my #3 was Saving Christmas.
Dave: How the fuck is that only #3?!
Sarah: Who beat Saving Christmas?
Dave: What could possibly beat Saving Christmas?
Sarah: It's a surprise.
Brian: Two other movies.
Dave: Dude...fine, go ahead. I'll save my rant for the end.
Sarah: Well, 'cause I figured that you've gotta have Son of God as one of your top two since you haven't mentioned it yet, so I gave you kind of the abbreviated version so we could talk about it when we get to yours. So how about we do that for your Saving Christmas.
Brian: Yeah, Saving Christmas, I'll just kind of give the high points, and then we can all bash it.
Dave: Brian's reasons for it only being #3.
Brian: For me, it's coming in at #3 instead of #1, like I think everyone else on this site who went to see it. Because...it's a terrible movie. There is literally no redeeming quality to this movie other than its brief runtime.
Dave: And batshit insane entertainment value.
Brian: Yeah, like, it's the sort of movie that, you know what? It'll probably end up being the movie we watch for Christmas next year.
Dave: Yeah, it will.
Brian: But as dumb as it is, and literally preachy as it is, and non-fucking-sensical and just the insane ramblings of a crazy person... I mean, it wasn't a terrible experience, is the thing that's setting it apart from these next two for me. It's a shit movie, no one should watch it. If you've got a group of people like-minded, and you just wanna rip the shit out of something, by all means, watch this. It doesn't have to be Christmas, that just adds to the flavor. But don't, for one second, think that this is a movie that if you just decide like, "oh, I heard it was bad on the Internet, I'll give it a watch," don't watch it alone; you'll be fucking miserable, I'm sure. Like, if any one of us have to go see individually instead of, like, as a team, we would've hated it even more so. Even, like, slightly ludicrous parts would've been insufferable. I can guarantee you that. It would've been one of those kind of experiences. That's why it's coming in at #3 for me. We'll touch upon it more here in a little bit, 'cause I'm sure that that's where this thing is going.
Dave: Well, I mean...maybe.
Sarah: Yeah, you don't know. You can't see my list.
Dave pulls out his list and "writes"
Brian: I can't even make your list out, it's like a shopping list. The hell paper is that on?
Sarah: It's my pretty bird paper.
Dave: It's got a little bird on it. Isn't that pretty?
Sarah: That's my grocery list paper.
Dave: [holding paper up to camera] See the little bird? Having this paper with a fucking bird on it. This'll be the first time someone in the comments will call me a hipster and I won't get upset about it.
Brian: You heard it here first, kids. Comment below.
Sarah: Oh, Hipster Dave.
Dave: If anyone in our group is a fucking hipster, Brian.
Brian: Just 'cause I was wearing a fur coat earlier, doesn't mean shit.
Sarah: It means so much shit.
Sarah: So for #2, I have Single Moms Club.
Brian: That's the one I thought you were talking about, when you said Moms' Night Out.
Sarah: No, because that was the other note I had on Moms' Night Out, because between those movies, I couldn't remember which one was more atrocious. And when I was watching the Moms' Night Out video, we actually said, "more tolerable than Single Moms Club." So...
Dave: Well, Single Moms Club was the Tyler Perry movie this year.
Sarah: It was.
Dave: Which...dodged that bullet.
Brian: I was gonna say, this is the first year I don't think I've seen a Tyler Perry movie.
Dave: Brad...I think what he said, we got to see better movies this year, just meant we didn't have to go see Tyler Perry movies.
Brian: Although I think I did end up, after St. Party's Day...
Dave: Who's St. Party? Oh, St. Patrick's Day?
Brian: Yeah, I called it what it is.
Sarah: I call it Lost Wages!
Brian: Yeah. I think we were all, like, laying around, like, mostly drunk after that. I was trying to convince Brad how terrible it was, so I just downloaded it and proceeded to watch the entirety of it while drunk laying on the living room floor. Like, "look at how bad this is!"
Dave: What, Madea Christmas?
Dave: Oh, God, that was the clear and present winner last year. But back to Sarah's movie.
Sarah: I wrote Single Moms Club. And my first note on this is, "only thing keeping us there was, Dave and Brian would murder us if we left."
Dave: Yeah. No, we paid our fucking Tyler Perry dues.
Sarah: Seriously, like, halfway through the movie, we were like, "I bet we could just leave and just fake our way through the rest of the movie."
Brian: The whole movie, I was standing behind you like Sam Neill in Event Horizon: "Do you see?!"
Sarah: 'Cause it's basically, I have, "exploits and victimizes and doesn't understand women."
Dave: Yeah, that's Tyler Perry. Exploits, victimizes, and doesn't understand black people, women, men, white people...anybody.
Brian: Mostly just people, yeah. That's usually the thing he doesn't have a grasp of, or camerawork.
Dave: Ugh. Editing.
Sarah: It's basically about a bunch of single moms, and I think Past Sarah said in the review that it makes two points: 1., all men are terrible; and 2., you need to get yo'self a man.
Brian: That seems like contradictory information.
Sarah: It doesn't understand women. It doesn't understand the publishing industry 'cause the one woman, like, at the end says to the other, "I've decided to publish your book, and here it is," already bound and in production with a cover and everything.
Brian: It's, like, wow, it's a good thing you started that months ago?
Sarah: Without my permission.
Dave: Oh, Tyler Perry, you horrible...
Sarah: Godawful. It had Clemmie from Reno 911 in it as the token white lady, and she was the business mom who wanted to have it all. And it had Terry Crews basically mouth-raping a woman.
Brian: I love that man.
Dave: I do too.
Sarah: Well, 'cause, the...the fat black lady, he keeps trying to hit on her like, "oh, girl, I want to get in them knickers," and she's like, "nope, nope," even though it's Terry Crews and he's built like a brick shithouse, and he brought her flowers at one point, but he'd stolen them from a cemetery, so it was like a big horseshoe.
Brian: Funeral wreath: "Mom".
Sarah: But then, like, towards the end, they're standing outside a car arguing, 'cause, like, one of the moms had...her daughter had gone missing or something. And he just grabs her and slams her up against the car and starts, like, furiously making out with her, and she's like...[flails arms]...and then she gets into it. 'Cause you know, if you kissed a lady and you kissed her well enough, she starts to enjoy it. And then, he sets her back down and says, "from now on, you're gonna be nice to me," and she says, "yes, daddy."
Sarah: It's awful. Single Moms Club is my #2.
Dave: Let's see. My #2...ah, yes. The most vile, hateful, horrible thing I've seen probably in decades—God's Not Dead.
Sarah: Who'd you see God's Not Dead with?
Dave: I saw that with Brad. It was a Jesus movie, it was mostly me and Brad this year. God's Not Dead...well, if God's not dead, after that movie, I really hope He dies.
Brian: Isn't that the one that was funded by the Duck Dynasty guys?
Dave: Yep. They're in it.
Sarah: That's the one with the evil atheist professor.
Dave: Played by Kevin fuckin' Sorbo, who is hands down the highlight of the movie. He is just chewing scenery like it's...
Brian: I take it back; maybe this is the worst Hercules movie this year.
Dave: Just the level of sheer fucking bullshit arrogance on the part of those filmmakers, to basically make a movie that implies that anybody who is not Christian is evil, horrible, beats their children, verbally abuses everyone around them...
Brian: But Dave, you do all those things.
Sarah: Yeah, but not because he doesn't believe in Jesus. It's like an autonomous character trait.
Brian: Just 'cause two things happen at the same time, doesn't mean there's a relation.
Sarah: Correlation does not denote causation, is the voice I use to say that, apparently.
Dave: And then to top it all off with, like, a Christian concert. It was...it's just...
Brian: You have all the fun.
Sarah: I've actually been to a Christian concert one time. "They don't serve cereal in Hell."
Dave: It was truly unspeakably bad and hateful. That was the whole about this movie, was...throughout half the thing, there's one dude going, "God loves you, God loves you, God loves you." Apparently fucking not. It was the movie that made me the most uncomfortable and sad all year, that people actually think like that, and that people went and saw this and bought into it. It was just depressing. I'm sad. [Sarah comforts him by patting his shoulder] With all the other shit in this room, there's gotta be a bottle of whiskey somewhere, right?
Sarah: Maybe it's under the stuffed squirrel puppet.
Dave: What's your #2, buddy?
Brian: Well, keeping on with our religion-bashing, my #2 was Son of God.
Brian: You were right—I just hadn't gotten to it yet. Yeah, my #2 was Son of God just because...like you've already mentioned, it's a movie that's, basically, they took scenes from a TV show and spliced them together so that it was just those parts to make a movie. Not an unheard-of thing, like how I know there's a site book to, like, Game of Thrones where they do the same thing. They just cut out, you know, like, the Dothraki and everything across the Narrow Sea, and put it into one book. So you don't want to read about that King Landing bullshit, you just wanna know what's going on with the fucking horse people.
Sarah: They just wander across the desert for a book and a half.
Brian: You can just read that book. It's a concept that's not unfamiliar, but doing that to a TV miniseries that has already been out, and then putting that into theater to see is weird. It would be like if...
Sarah: With the plot for a story that, like, everybody knows.
Brian: It's almost like it's the greatest story ever told.
Sarah: Ugh. I'm not saying that to be Christian-centric. I'm just saying that even as a not-Christian...
Dave turns toward Brian and smack him upside the head.
Sarah: Even as a not-Christian, you're vaguely aware of the "Jesus died and then came back to life that one time."
Brian: Well, yeah, that's the main reason I say that when you do a Superman movie, you can skip the origin. Who doesn't know who the fuck Superman is?
Sarah: Ditto for Spider-Man.
Dave: Yeah, we already had that one for Spider-Man.
Brian: But yeah, it was the sort of thing where it's just like...if you took any other TV show and tried doing that, you would just be a fucking crazy person.
Dave: [leaning forward] I'll let them talk over my shoulders.
Brian: It'd be like if you just took of, like...
Sarah: [after Dave sits back] Dave, you're in my line of sight.
Brian: It'd be like if they just took, like, a season of, like, The Office, because I can't think of many TV shows off the top of my head suddenly. If, like, they took a season of The Office...
Sarah: ...and just stuck together, like, the Jim and Pam scenes and made it into a romantic comedy.
Brian: Yeah, with only the Jim and Pam scenes.
Dave: It'd be adorable.
Sarah: It's just, it wouldn't be worth going to the theater to see because, guess what, they've already shown it on the TV.
Brian: Exactly, so it just felt really weird. But honestly, it was one of the more packed movies we went to. There was, like, entire...
Sarah: Exactly, 'cause it was just, like, when He was gathering His disciples, just like, "you and you and you, and walking across the water, you guys."
Brian: But it's, like, there were tons of families that were there, youth groups that were there, Bible study groups that were there. It was a very packed house, but just dreadfully fucking boring. This one made my #2 on the list just based on the fact that it not only put me to sleep literally, but put me to sleep hard enough that I woke myself back up because I was snoring so loud. How can...
Dave: You do snore like a fucking wildebeest.
Brian: Yeah, but I don't notice it. This movie, I snored loud enough that I startled myself awake.
Sarah: I remember that.
Brian: And it was at that point in the movie that I looked at my phone and realized, "oh, my God, we're only an hour into this movie." That was, what, almost three hours long?
Sarah: Something like that.
Brian: So it was one of those, like, fucking heart-wrenching moments like, "oh, my God, there's still so much more of this left. But, yeah, that one earns a special place on the list just based on the fact that it not only put me to sleep, but wouldn't allow me to stay that way.
Sarah: I think your sleep apnea wouldn't allow you to stay that way.
Brian: You don't know that; I'm totally undiagnosed.
Dave: Since I think we know where Sarah and I are going with our #1...
Sarah: We should go with our #1 first, and then his #1 could be like a surprise.
Dave: I'm kinda curious. I kinda wanna hear his before we go into ours, 'cause I think ours is gonna have a longer, three-piece conversation than Brian's.
Brian: Yeah, I'll touch on mine, and then we can get into Saving Christmas, 'cause...
Sarah: [hiding the book in front of her face] You don't know. You don't know at all.
Brian: Or whatever it might be. Could be a surprise. My worst of the year is actually one you had a couple entries ago—The Best of Me.
Dave: Really? That for #1. I mean, it was horrendous, don't get me wrong. But that's your #1.
Brian: Yes, based on several key factors that I did weigh. But yeah, it was a miserable experience.
Dave: Oh, dude, that was awful.
Brian: It was terrible to sit through, it was mind-numbing to try to get around the leaps in logic they were trying to make. But one of the biggest offenses it made was the fact that... See, Brad texted me over a list the other day. He said that we were gonna be doing the worst-of, and I said, "cool." He asked if I could have a list; I said, "yeah, shoot it over." And I was looking over the list and I had to stop and think of what the fuck movie...[stops to look at phone]
Sarah: The Best of Me.
Brian: ...The Best of Me was.
Dave: I did that this morning, when I looked over my list that I made a week ago. I went, "oh, yeah."
Brian: I have seen this movie, I have talked about this movie. I have bitched about this movie. I've seen trailers for it, I've seen trailers for other things by the same author since then. I cannot make myself want to remember what this movie is.
Sarah: So what was it about?
Brian: Every Nick Sparks story ever.
Dave: It really was.
Brian: It was like a mash-up. It was like his greatest fucking hits catalog.
Sarah: Oh, my God. The Best of Me.
Brian: Wow. If that's the best he's got,
Sarah: Mind blown.
Dave: I completely get where you're coming from with that, where it's so forgettable, and it does have a lot wrong with it.
Brian: It has everything wrong with it. It is one of the dumbest fucking movies I've ever had to sit through.
Dave: I'm right there with you, bro.
Brian: And so many weird things with it, like the fact that even, like... The guy playing the younger version of him does not even remotely look like the same guy. Like, the older version is James Marsden, and the younger version of him looks like...I don't know.
Dave: Fucking Remar, man.
Brian: Yeah, like a cross between James Remar and Liam Hemsworth. Okay, so, in the past twenty years since they've seen each other, he got, like, a foot shorter, and has a different face shape. Yeah, I get that you're not always gonna find a perfect match, but you know, I've seen plenty of movies where I'll watch and I'll be like, "man, that's really fucking close. Like, I could buy that those two are brothers." I've seen movie pairings where some were supposed to be brothers or, like, father and son, that are more convincing. Shit, going back to him. Look at Chris Hemsworth standing next to Liam Hemsworth. They look like, maybe they're, like, third-cousins; they don't look like they're brothers. Shit, Charlie Hunnam looks more like Chris Hemsworth.
Sarah motions that that went over her head
Brian: Sons of Anarchy looks more like Thor.
Sarah: Okay. Sons of Anarchy, as far as I'm concerned, is just...
Dave: Maybe the guy from Pacific Rim.
Brian: Pacific Rim looks more like Thor. But no, it's just the sort of thing that's jarring. It keeps going back and forth, and it's, like, I cannot... It might as well be stories about two different couples because that guy doesn't look anything like him, so much so that it's actively distracting. Like, they might as well cast, like, a black guy for all the good that it did him getting another white guy who looks nothing like him.
Dave: And these are all incredibly valid points, and I agree with you. It was one the worst movies I've ever him. But honestly, our shared #1 has to be, on every technical level...[looks over and barks off to the side]
Brian: There's a tiny dog out there, if you can't hear it.
Sarah: Arguing with Dave. [Barks a little]
Brian: He thinks that the last of us...
Dave and Sarah: The best of us...
Sarah: The Best of Me, Nicholas Sparks.
Brian: Like I said, the fact that I know the next one coming up is called The Longest Ride and I still cannot remember the name of this movie.
Dave: Even though it's written down on your phone and we've been talking about it for...
Brian: We got out of the theater from watching it, and we sat in the car like, "what the fuck was the name of it?" I had to pull the ticket stub out of my pocket so that we could remember what the hell it was called. And that was not acting, that was not mugging for the camera. I legit could not even fucking make myself remember. It's like, "oh, shit, what the fuck did we just watch?"
Dave: It was The Best of Something.
Brian: [as Dave pulls him in to comfort him] For me, it was the best of the worst movies I saw. Or the worst of the worst...I don't know.
Dave: I love you, baby, it's okay.
Brian: It's not the best of anything.
Dave: I know, I know.
Brian: Everything sucked.
Sarah: So I put Saving Christmas as my #1.
Dave: Same here, baby.
Dave and Sarah high-five
Sarah: Pop! And now, I wanna say something first. When I originally did my first draft of this list, I actually had Saving Christmas tied for #10 with Winter's Tale because I felt they were both bad, but in an entertaining way. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that, while Winter's Tale, the badness was kind of, like, enchanting, if that makes sense, in Saving Christmas, the badness was something I was having fun making fun of. It wasn't like, [in wonder] "oh, my God, what's happening?" It was like, [in horror] "oh, God, what's happening?!"
And like, the parts when he's in the car and talking to his brother-in-law, the lines weren't quotable; there were just so bad, it was funny.
Brian: See, that's why mine was low on the list, but not #1, because it was a fun experience. Like, we sat there the whole time just fucking riffing the movie. Loudly, 'cause no one else there gave a shit.
Sarah: Any movie that I actually say, "fuck you," to multiple times needs to be high up on a list like this, to elicit that sort of reaction.
Dave: The reason it's #1 on my list, and it's nothing to do with my enjoyment of it because of all the movies I saw all year—like, if I had to put a Top Ten list together of movies I enjoyed watching, it'd be right up there. Because when Brad and I went, I don't know about you two, but Brad and I had a whole lot of fun watching the fucking batshit insane crazy movie.
Sarah: And I'm still mad that everyone but us missed the freestyle rap battle.
Dave: I'm upset about it, too.
Brian: Let me see if I can find it.
Sarah: Oh my God, yes. Google "Kirk Cameron".
Dave: But the honest truth of it is, on every technical aspect, it was one of the worst-made movies I've ever seen in my entire life. Like, Madea Christmas was a better quality film than Saving Christmas.
Brian: Yeah. Saving Christmas, it came across more as...
Dave: ...an amateur home movie.
Brian: Like something you'd watch during Bible study.
Sarah: Like a church group made.
Dave: That's what it felt like and what it looked like, and I had to sit and weigh, like, with things like The Best of Me and God's Not Dead, which is still a horrible, hateful movie, and I dislike it a whole lot more than I dislike Saving Christmas. And I had to think, what's the greater sin—the movie that's terrible and I will remember it forever in striking detail, or the movie I completely forget about? And to be, the bigger sin is Saving Christmas. Just Kirk Cameron's eyes staring in crushing my soul from the inside.
Sarah: He loves big hams and big fams.
Dave: Fucking mouth fucking chocolate.
Sarah: Mouth fucking hot chocolate, you mean?
Dave: Probably anything chocolate, except for woman 'cause, you know...
Brian: No, no, he had that one token black friend.
Sarah: Yes, but he was a dude.
Dave: And also, that's the other thing...completely racist and horrible. Batshit insane flights of fancy and bullshit logic. You know, God's Not Dead was pretty hateful and mean-spirited. Saving Christmas was a madman's manifesto, and that's why it's my #1.
Brian: Yeah, that was basically Kirk Cameron's thing, like, "I've got more money than you, so..."
Sarah: This is happening.
Dave: Yeah, and I'm okay with it, and so is God.
Brian: He's got a direct line to the Big G.
Dave: So, Saving Christmas, that's why it's specifically my #1, and I'm a little amazed it's not yours, but I understand. To each his own. It's God's will.
Brian: I had my reasoning, and I gave it...
Dave: It comes down to the personal experience.
Brian: I gave it consideration, and for me, like, that's one of the biggest qualifiers for me. Like, I can go see a dumb movie, but if it's an enjoyable sitting, I will enjoy it. There have been several that I went to last year where it was, like, was it a good movie? Fuck no. Was it fun, though? Fuck yeah. I've given several terrible movies a pass based on that.
Dave: Yeah. Hell, Brad and I liked Saving Christmas so much, we made you guys go.
Brian: Yeah. Assholes.
Sarah: But again, you know, as much as I enjoyed it, it was the kind of bad that I can't forgive so easily.
Dave: Well, and that's the thing. It's the kind of bad that I can re-watch and suggest people watch, but that's because it's the kind of bad that is so striking and apparent and fucking laughable, that something that horrible was not only made, but marketed and made it into theaters across the country.
Sarah: And it's a cynical kind of bad. It's like, Winter's Tale is bad because they had a preponderance of plot, and they overextended their reach in terms of what we could take as far as our imaginations were concerned. Whereas Saving Christmas was bad because they wanted to make money around Christmastime, and because they wanted it to be okay for Christians to spend money around Christmastime. Like, that's what it effectively boiled down to.
Sarah: And that's, you know, it's laughable, but it's also really sad.
Dave: I think when anybody has to go to those lengths to defend their... It's cool to defend your beliefs, please do. As I've had to say many times this year, I've got nothing against Christians or the Christian faith whatsoever. It's just that weird fucking mentality that comes from that deep fucking right, that not only do I find it baffling and strange, I find it downright fucking scary. And Saving Christmas, honestly, those are the type of people that are scary. Like, truly, truly scary 'cause they think they can enact change.
Sarah: Well, it's that kind of, you hypocrisy that means that they're not...it denotes a lack of empathy, and I think that's what frightens me.
Dave: Well, that was the hateful part of God's Not Dead, is there's all that shit going on, and it's all non-Christians' fault. It's like, "NO, man!"
Brian: These are my crazy beliefs and they are absolutely right, and if you don't agree with that, then you obviously are the problem.
Sarah: How dare you not respect my crazy beliefs, while at the same time, I don't remotely respect your beliefs.
Brian: Well, this got politically and religiously charged.
Dave: It was that kind of year.
BBrian: Yeah. My worst movie was...
Dave: Show them your butt.
Sarah: And the wee baby Buttstuff.
Brian: And the Buttstuff.
Sarah: Thank you for joining us on this year's Bottom Ten Movies of the year. We shall see you next year with #1., The Loft.
Brian: I like how you say that like we're not gonna be seen until then.
Sarah: Oh, no, I'm going into hiding.
Brian: Yeah, you probably should.
Sarah: I'll be doing the midnight reviews with a bad on my head, so watch out for that.
Dave: Please do that.
Brian: Aw, man, it's time for a midnight review.
Sarah: With Brad and Crazy Baghead.
Brian: Starring Brad and potentially Cobra Commander.
Sarah: I'll draw big, angry eyebrows on it.
Dave: The Amazing Bag-Man.
Brian waves, Dave tosses his torn-up list, and Sarah gets up to turn the camera off.