The Worst Films of 2015 (Brian and Sarah Edition)
January 11th, 2016
Sarah: [her list on a bag] So, yeah, no peeking, but you already know my Top...my Bottom 3.
Brian: [doing his list on his phone] Well, I don't because I was not party to that.
Sarah: You were not crowdsourced. I don't think you saw a lot of these with me.
Brian: I think the few that I did see with you were usually, like, good movies.
Sarah: Well, my #10, you saw with me. I'll do my #10 while you're finishing up your typing. It was The Wedding Ringer, or more accurately, the second half of The Wedding Ringer.
Brian: Yes, that was actually the first movie I saw of the year.
Sarah: Because it's basically—[to camera] I don't know if you guys remember, if you saw the video—that was the one with Josh Gad and Kevin Hart, where Kevin Hart plays, like, a best man for hire. And the first half of the movie was, like, really kinda charming and funny and off...you know, off-center. And then the bachelor party happened where a dog bit Josh Gad on the peen, and then after that, it just, like, devolves into nonsensical madness.
Brian: Yeah, just kinda wacky slapstick bits that you could throw in the trailer.
Sarah: Yeah, like Kaley Cuoco kinda becomes this harried and hateful person, and they introduce some other woman to be a love interest, like they made that decision halfway through making the movie.
Brian: Yeah, halfway through, it was like, "and then you fall in love with her sister."
Sarah: Yeah, even at a wedding, as I recall, because this was one we saw in January.
Brian: Where all the good movies live.
Brian: That why there's so many in theaters now.
Sarah: It was kind of interesting to watch, 'cause I think a lot of these were in January and February, to kind of watch my hair grow and my chin kind of get chubbier. Turns out I like cookies and cake around the November time.
Brian: Well, there was a lot of holidays.
Sarah: It is my wont. But yeah, even at the wedding in The Wedding Ringer, they had the whole big tense moment of, "I'm not in love with you, we shouldn't be together," but it was kind of like, "ah, I'm not in love with you, we shouldn't be together. Meanwhile, this chick with the cowboy hat..."
Brian: But in Josh Gad's creepy, screechy, still going through puberty voice.
Sarah: I still love Josh Gad. I think this is the one where he sings "Everybody Wants to Rule the World." Maybe?
Brian: My #10 was Seventh Son, that I debated for five minutes. It was like, "but why wouldn't I put that as #7? 'Cause he's the seventh son of the seventh..."
Sarah: You have to remind me of what that one was.
Brian: That is true for most people that went to this movie. That's the one where...it's...like that sort of high fantasy... Jeff Bridges is in it, he's like this old, curmudgeonly, like, you know, used to be badass Hagrid, like, "you're a wizard, kid," and trains him in the course of five days to be his replacement and also his better at this job of, like, going around hunting supernatural bullshit. Basically, it seemed like, if you watched this movie the same day that you watched...oh fuck, what was that...goddamn it, I lost the name of it. That Nic Cage one.
Brian: Season of the Witch.
Brian: Sorry, I was thinking of The Last Witch Hunter, then like, no, that's the Vin Diesel one.
Sarah: I was thinking Halloween III.
Brian: If you were to watch those two movies on the same day, and then try thinking about it two weeks later, you would swear you only saw one movie.
Brian: Like, even at the beginning of this one is a scene that's directly in that movie's well.
Brian: It was...it was just a very flat movie. It was one that they tried numerous times to save it. It was gonna come out... that's the one that we saw trailers of for, like, two years. It's like, "coming out in two months," you know, "Seventh Son." Okay. Then a couple weeks later, nothing. And then a while later, it was like, "we're starting to get trailers again; didn't we see that already?" And then eventually, it came out, and like, I was still waiting for the moment we walked into the theater, and instead, it'd be like, "sorry, no movie tonight, guys."
Sarah: Do we know why they put it off? Was it like, happened after something significant happened, so they had to put it off, or was it just general terribleness?
Brian: There was a lot of...this one was...a whole big to-do about it. Like, they ran out of funding for it partway through the movie, or the company that was making it, like, went bankrupt or something. And then they managed to get enough money to keep, like, keep filming, keep, like, doing the visual work for it. And then that company had to, like, completely fold. And then eventually, they were able to put this fucking movie out. And the visual work is...average at best. Companies went out of business that had been operating for 20 solid years. This thing took two attempts to get it into a theater, and it's...meh.
Sarah: It's only the tenth worst, though, so that's saying something.
Brian: Yeah, that's honestly why I put it at #10, because of just the fact that...
Sarah: It's the little engine that could.
Brian: Yeah, this movie probably...it's not good. It's pretty just, like, blah crap. It's like, it's witches and stuff and whatever, it's a guy that turns into a dragon. Like, honestly, the trailer for that movie doesn't look that dissimilar from the trailer for that...Huntsman 2. It's almost the exact same trailer.
Sarah: Yeah, I heard that the first Huntsman was pretty good, so I'm actually looking forward to the second one. I think that...Brad really liked Charlize Theron in it.
Brian: Well, I mean...
Sarah: [looking over] I think we trapped the cat in here with us. Oh no!
Brian: [opening door behind him] Hey, buddy. Trying to go that way? [Floyd leaves, Brian shuts the door] That's like the main reason it made the list for me, just the fact that, like... Was there probably one that I bumped off the list that may have been actually worse than it? Yeah. But the fucking lead-up to, like, making us wait for, like, two years to finally see this movie, not that I was chomping at the bit for it. But, like, all that time and effort, and they still couldn't manage to make it more than mediocre. At that point, just call it a fucking loss, put it on a shelf, accidentally set the shelf on fire, and file an insurance claim. "Oh, that was the only one copy we had! Oh no!"
Sarah: Ah, bummer.
Brian: And call it a fucking day. Like, don't even bother putting it out. Or, you know what? Have it run like, it's a special. Like, "Seventh Son, finally out! Ticket prices: $5.00."
Sarah: I feel like that's gonna be the difference between your list and my list, 'cause like, I'm gonna be explaining why these movies were bad, but not so bad that they'd make my Bottom 5, whereas you'd be explaining why they were bad enough to make the list at all.
Brian: That's how my list was last year. One of the ones I had on there was like, "this movie was terrible, but mostly it was also because it was a terrible remake!"
Sarah: Yeah, 'cause I didn't watch as many bad movies as the rest of the people, I think. So my movies are pretty terrible, but not movies that made anyone else's lists.
Sarah: So, #9, I've got Fifty Shades of Grey, which I remember being pretty awful, but also vaguely sexy. And also, I re-watched, [holds up bag] for all these, I didn't have time to watch...like, re-watch the entireties [sic] of each review, but I watched the first five minutes of each. And Past Sarah's impression of Fifty Shades of Grey seemed to be, "it wasn't as bad as the book," so I'm inclined to give it a pass, because the book is awful, and the characters are despicable; and in the movie, they actually managed to, like, put in some laugh points and make you actually sort of enjoy them as people, you know?
Brian: I have seen a majority of this movie at this point.
Sarah: You have!
Brian: Yes. I don't agree with that statement at all.
Sarah: Okay, well, read the book, then, and then come back and have this conversation with me.
Brian: I'm sorry...
Sarah: First of all, explain to me why you've seen the majority of Fifty Shades of Grey.
Brian: Well, one night...one night, for the site, we were out at a movie, and Lettie and her sister Mary decided to watch that—actually, I think more so Mary decided to watch it and Lettie was just in the living room. And it was godawful, so as soon as I got home, it was like, "oh my God," and there was this whole, like, she keeps just, like, throwing herself at walls, and she, like, [demonstrates]. There was, like, this whole contract scene where she's like, "anal fisting, no."
Sarah: Do you understand that, in the book, you have to read the entire sexual contract?
Brian: "Oh...what's a butt plug?" 'm sorry, you know what anal fisting is, but you're lost on the concept of a butt plug?
Sarah: She doesn't know what anal fisting is, she just takes it out entirely, which is one of...'cause I live-tweeted the book when I did it, and that was one of my favorite lines, that she was gonna be really bummed out when she found out it was just going [shakes fist in air Arsenio Hall-style] "roo! roo! roo!"
Brian: Thanks, Arsenio.
Sarah: It took a really long time to fit into 140 characters, but it was well worth the effort.
Brian: But, no, I remember watching something about it, and it was like, this is godawful shit.
Sarah: It is awful, which is why it's on my Bottom 10, but it's not as bad as the book, which is why it's up here somewhere. You see my explanation process.
Brian: I can see where you're coming from on that.
Sarah: Yeah, 'cause, see, like, towards the middle of the list, it was less, you know, "this one's definitely #9 and this one's definitely #6," and more "which of these was worse: Fifty Shades of Grey or The Wedding Ringer?" Turns out, Fifty Shades of Grey.
Brian: My #9 is Project Almanac. It's a movie that is just absolutely frustrating to watch.
Sarah: Is that the one with the...time travel?
Brian: Yeah, that's the one where, like...one of those movies where every coincidental chance is the one that gets the payoff, you know?
Sarah: So like Butterfly Effect.
Brian: Well, kind of. It's like, "oh, man, we're gonna lose our house unless, you know, like, something happens," and then they go outside and it's like, "what? A blank check for a million dollars?"
Sarah: Ah, I see. Butterfly Effect was more like, "I'm gonna go back in time and change this one thing," and turned out to be the one thing that makes your friend's leg get blown off in a mailbox bomb accident.
Brian: Yeah, this one has a lot of Butterfly Effect stuff in it, where they keep going backwards and they'll change one thing, then head forward and it's like suddenly, everyone hates them. But it's stuff that is so convoluted. Like, they were trying to go for the extreme...like...furthest reaches they could go with some of that stuff. One of the things is, like, they go back in time so they can go to, like, Bonnaroo or something like that.
Sarah: That's a group that kinda have their priorities straight.
Brian: Yeah. Like, he bought, like, backstage passes off of eBay, like, after the concert happened, and then they went back in time, and now, "hey, we got backstage passes."
Sarah: That's actually really smart, though.
Brian: But then, it's like...
Sarah: ...his friend's leg gets blown off in a mailbox accident?
Brian: ...because of that, like, they go back to the present, and some people are acting weird about some stuff, and...one of their friends, or one of the people at their school, like, his leg's broken now. Because his leg's broken, he can't compete in, like, the...homecoming game. And because he's not competing in the homecoming game, his dad doesn't take off work to watch his son at the homecoming game, so instead, he's flying a plane. And because of him having a medical condition, causes the plane to crash.
Sarah: [long pause] That's dumb.
Brian: All right, well, go on with your eighth bluiest.
Sarah: All right, so the eighth bluiest was The DUFF. So The DUFF is...DUFF stands for "Dumb Ugly Fat Friend," and the premise of the movie is that, in each group of friends, there's always a DUFF, that being the friend who is either dumber, uglier, fatter than the rest of the friends, and that they play a vital social role in a group dynamic.
Brian: 'Cause you've always gotta have someone who takes one for the team.
Sarah: Yeah, it's basically like She's All That if, instead of turning out to be all that in the end, she turned out to be okay with her dumb, ugly fatness.
Brian: So this is a movie based on the concept of maybe just accepting your station in life.
Sarah: Yes...only she's in high school, and she's keeps getting, like, picked on by her girlfriends, and meanwhile, she's trying to mack the dude, and then at the end, she makes herself a dress out of flannel a la Pretty in Pink to show that, hey, she's good at sewing. At least she's not dumb, ugly, fat, and doesn't know how to sew.
Brian: Yeah. That'll... This is like, here towards the middle is where we get into movies where I don't remember a whole lot of the plots of them, I just remember my takeaways, and my takeaway from this one is, I hate everyone who made it for the opinions they have on people.
Brian: It sounds deplorable.
Sarah: Yeah, it was pretty awful. The main girl in it, I seem to recall that she had some pretty funny pratfall-y moments. And there's a scene where she's in a montage in a mall, where she's, like, trying on clothes to try and make herself look less dumb, ugly, and fat, and she's like, during this montage, she's, like, grabbing the store mannequin, pretending it's, like, the boy she has a crush on, like, [sticking tongue out and moaning] and just making a complete ass of herself in the middle of a department store. And then she's getting really surprised when one of the popular girls videos her on their cameraphone and then puts it on the Internet.
I re-watched the video for this one, and something that I mentioned in it which I think still holds true, is that if, somewhere during the course of this movie, she had killed herself because of all the cyberbullying, and this movie turned out to be just a prequel to the movie Unfriended, it would've made a lot of sense.
Brian: Sinister II—a movie that no one was asking for, and no one enjoyed. That movie was like the...one of the grossest examples out there of, here's a movie that shouldn't have been made, and somebody still did it fucking anyway.
Sarah: This theme is gonna carry nicely to my #7s
Brian: 'Cause like...plural?
Sarah: Yep! I had a tie for #7.
Brian: Tie for middle-worst. But no, it was...the whole point of the movie was basically to try and build up and bulk up and explain this mythology of this bullshit, like, Scandinavian hair metal band-looking villain Bughuul, who apparently permeates all known cultures throughout the entirety of history, but only, like, four people at a community college had ever heard of. And the first movie, it had set up, like, there was this...like, Ethan Hawke finds this old projector and these old, like, reels, and each one of them has some murder happening on it, and it's super-ass spooky. And it kind of plays more and more into, like, eventually, that happening to his family. The end. That was okay, it wasn't great, at least it was vaguely original idea, kinda took care of itself.
And then the sequel comes out, I was like, "no, we need to world-build, we need to expand on his mythology, we need to give, like, make more examples, like..."
Sarah: Make him super-ass spookier.
Brian: Exactly. [screenshot] Honestly, in my opinion, the way that they did a lot of stuff in the second one, actually diminishes the impact the first one had.
Sarah: This is the problem that I have with horror movies, and why it's probably a good thing that those tend to be yours and Brad's purview, is that, like, if you came to me three months later and said, "Sarah, now you watched Sinister II, Insidious 3, The Love Below [sic], and...Darkness Intertwined," I'd be like, "I don't remember a thing about any of those movies. Which...which one did I see with Brian? Ask him, he'll tell me."
Sarah: So my #7ses are Paul Blart and Pixels, which is important that we're discussing this now because first of all, when Brad sent me a list that said Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 and Pixels on it, I immediately remembered what the fuck those movies were about and how much I hated them. And I've got them both under #7 because I didn't feel like one was worse than the other, and I feel that it's indicative of how even a terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible Kevin James movie is just as bad as a pretty charmingly premised movie with Adam Sandler in the middle of it.
Brian: Don't make me pick just one!
Sarah: Don't make me choose between my children! My terrible, horrible children!
So Paul Blart 2, I saw with Ryan, and that was one where I'd never...I haven't seen Paul Blart 1, still have not seen Paul Blart 1, but he did, so he was explaining it to me...
Brian: I think, from what I've heard, it's essentially the plot to Die Hard.
Sarah: Yeah, I guess, but he's got, like, a...
Brian: Except he's fat.
Sarah: ...he's got a love interest in it and a mom and a daughter, and at the beginning of Paul Blart 2...
Brian: John McClane had a wife and kids.
Sarah: ...his wife divorced him, and his mom got hit by a milk truck and died. So this is basically about him and his chubby daughter going to, like, a mall cop convention in Vegas.
Brian: That sounds like a thing.
Sarah: Yeah, and his daughter, like, makes a boyfriend, and she's going away to college in another state, he does not approve of either of those two things. But mostly, it's...the casino that they're in getting robbed, and the only man that can stop them is Paul Blart 2.
And then Pixels is about, Adam Sandler has to save the world from video games. And also, it's Josh Gad and...oh, fucking Tyrion Lannister.
Brian: Yeah, I was gonna say, isn't Peter Dinklage in that?
Sarah: Yes, Peter Dinklage and the girl one.
Brian: And the girl.
Sarah: And the girl one, who I'm supposed to believe that even after...'cause it's like, the "meet cute" between her character and Adam Sandler at the beginning of the movie is, he's, like, a cable repairman who happens also to be friends with Kevin James, who plays the President of the United States in Pixels. And so, he's at her house trying to fix her cable, and she's in her shoe closet crying because her husband's cheating on her. And he basically goes in there, mocks her, awkwardly tries to kiss her, and then when she's like, "no, dude, don't!" he's like, "oh, too good for the cable man! Little Miss Priss! Little Miss Princess Priss!" And that, for some reason...becomes a relationship between these two people.
Brian: Now I'm unfortunately drawn to you, says the script.
Sarah: And then it's got this whole bit...Josh Gad's character is like a...'cause, like, him and Kevin Har—not Kevin Hart—him and Kevin James and Adam Sandler were all, like, childhood friends, and Josh Gad grew up to be a weirdo, like a conspiracy theorist, and like, still in love with the girl from this video game. And so what ends up happening is that the girl from that video game comes to Earth to, like, be part of the fight, to fight for the bad guys' side, and he refuses to fight her. He's like, "I love you, you've never spoken to me, I love you," and she's like, "I love you back," but then she dies. And then, at the very, very last scene of the movie, they have Q*Bert, had come to life. Q*Bert, who was, like, part of the good guy team 'cause...reasons. And so he realized, I guess realizes that Josh Gad misses his video game girlfriend, and turns into her, and then they get married.
Brian: [long pause] What?
Sarah: [laughs] So that is...
Brian: The fuck is any of what you just said?!
Sarah: That was Pixels, and when I see the title Pixels, I remember exactly what happened in that movie, for the most part.
Brian: What the fuck?
Sarah: But the thing is, it's like it had some...
Brian: That's your...that's your 7th.
Sarah: That's my...one of my 7s. And the problem is that it had Adam Sandler in it being horrible and hateful and the main character, and everyone in this movie was like, "oh, Adam Sandler, your character—the character Adam Sandler is playing—you are so important and likable and intelligent. You need to save the world for us," and he's like, "ah, all right."
[Poster of Sandler]
Brian: 'Cause it said so in the fucking script.
Sarah: It says so in the fucking script. And now, you'll notice on this thing that I had next to Pixels, I have a 1, a 6, and a 7, because I originally remember hating this movie with a fiery passion, then I re-watched the video for it, and I opened it with saying, "I can't tell if I liked this movie or not." Because apparently, there was so much charming stuff going on in the periphery that it almost made up for the Adam Sandlery-ness. Plus, this was in the middle of the Brad and Sarah Show, which was right when Lettie got her wrist surgery.
Brian: Oh, okay, yeah.
Sarah: And Dave was out of town, and Irving was planning for his wedding, but there was like a string of videos where it's just me and Brad. [Poster of Trainwreck] During that period, we saw Mission: Impossible and we saw Trainwreck. We also saw Pixels, and I think we also saw a different terrible one, but I can't remember. Didn't make the list, at any rate.
Brian: There were a couple terrible ones that he asked me to go to at that time. The only one I regretted missing was Mission: Impossible.
Sarah: Mission: Impossible was really good.
Brian: Yeah, I finally saw that here the other day. My #7 is The Longest Ride.
Sarah: Okay, that was the Sofia Vergara? No.
Brian: No, that was...fuck me, I have no idea what that movie was.
Sarah: Deepest Impact?
Sarah: Just the shittiest movie. I should remember, I got the poster for that movie for Dave, because I was there when they were taking them down. I was at the movie theater, and I was like, "ooh, that one!" And I got home, I'm like, "I got you a poster," he's like, "oh, sweet, really?" Flap!
Brian: He's like, "you take that poster and you go straight home!"
Sarah: [laughing] I got a poster!
Brian: No, my #7 is The Longest Ride. That was the Nick Sparks movie for the year. And...I'm sorry, the premises for these movies are just getting so fucking thin and so trite.
Sarah: Okay, so I've seen the previews for that one, and all I remember is that it had a really pretty song during it, and that lady's button jeans was poppin'. He was, like, a cowboy, right? He was gonna teach her how to rodeo ride, but he got a brain problem, like, "you can't rodeo ride anymore," he's like, "but I must!"
Brian: No, no, he says, "but it's all I know how to do."
Sarah: [laughs] Well, he can read, I'm sure he can eat with a fork and knife.
Brian: That one...that's Clint Eastwood's son.
Brian: But no, these romantic movies like this are just... you know, I've seen The Notebook, I liked it. It was an okay movie. I've seen several, now, of these Nick Sparks movies that are dogshit. And this one for this year was again, like, no exception to that newer trend. Like, it felt like every plot I've seen in one of these before, but it...it always comes back to things being like, and then, the best, most improbable conclusion happens. This movie is, like...these two get to a relationship, and...[turning towards scratch at door] he must be out there, I'm not just crazy. Like, they get into a relationship, and then everything's good, and it's like, "oh, I'm gonna go off for school," it's like, "oh, no, stay here," he's like, "oh, I'm a rodeo guy." He gets injured; like, "you've gotta stop rodeoing"; he's like, "I don't know how to do anything else." Literally has no other marketable, useful skills apparently.
Sarah: Is that true, that you found, in the movie?
Brian: What, that all he knows how to do is rodeo?
Brian: No, he seems like he can do anything he wanted to do probably.
Sarah: Like a handyman or gigolo [screenshot] or teach at a rodeo college. Well, if it makes you feel better, I think the one that comes out this year is just, like, the girl finds the dude's dog, and then his dog gets them pregnant, and then shenanigans.
Brian: No, I've seen the trailer for that one a couple of times, and the thing that I'm not looking forward to with that one, for when Brad inevitably says, "hey, do you wanna go see..." whatever the fuck that one...
Sarah: Dog Preggo?
Brian: ...is, I've now only seen the main guy in that one in one other movie, and he was thoroughly unlikable in it.
Sarah: My #6 has jumped around on my list probably more than any of my other ones, and it is Jurassic World. [Brian gasps] It is the only one on my list...
Brian: Shock and gasp!
Sarah: Well, it's not "shock and gasp"; I didn't like it. It was just, like...it's not a surprise I didn't like it, I mentioned it at the time, but it's one of those movies where...
Brian: Well, people have probably forgotten. They liked it, though.
Sarah: Well, yeah, that's the thing, it's, like, the other stuff on my list, like Paul Blart 2 and The Wedding Ringer, it's not...you know, there's not a whole lot of argument about it. But, like, when we saw Jurassic World, Brad didn't like it and Jillian did, so it ended up being a bit of a debate. And so, like, I feel...I wonder whether that moved it up my list somewhat because I am not a shit-stirrer, but I also wonder if that moved it down my list somewhat because I'm also a little bit of a shit-stirrer. But like, ultimately...
Brian: [pointing to pen in Sarah's hand] Is that the shit-stirrer?
Sarah: This is my shit-stirrer. Ploop! Doodle-doodle-doodle... How do you stir shit?
Brian: Apparently, I'm doing it wrong 'cause I don't use such whimsical sound effects.
Sarah: Ploop! Doodle-doodle-doodle-doo.
Brian: I prefer to be laying down in the prone position.
Sarah: Well, you're not the one without the shit-stir-ee.
Brian: I know, but I don't wanna be, like...
Sarah: Let it all fall out on you. Anyway, I did not like Jurassic World, but it wasn't like...I didn't...I left coherently upset, if that makes sense, whereas some of the lower ones on my list I left like, "[angry sounds]. Why even would..." It's basically, like, I didn't like the two main characters, and I didn't like the plot, and I didn't like the...themes. I listened to an interview with Lauren Lapkus recently, and she plays one of the...she plays a little girl in the control room with Jake Johansson, and there's a...have you seen Jurassic World?
Brian: Mm-hmm. Jake Johnson.
Sarah: Yeah, Jake Johnson, sorry. The part at the end where they go to kiss, and then she's like, "oh, wait, no, I have a boyfriend," which is my favorite part of that movie. Apparently, had to make that up because when they first wrote the movie, Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard's characters were not supposed to end up together, and they decided halfway through doing it, that, "oh, yeah, okay, no, we'll make them kiss, and they're, like, a couple now. But that means that we can't have these two control room people kiss and become a couple, so we'll have to figure out a different way of playing it."
Brian: I thought that was a really good moment for them, and I love Jake Johnson with a mustache.
Sarah: And I liked him in his little Jurassic Park shirt. And I love Lauren Lapkus, I like seeing her in stuff.
Brian: "You don't think all of that's offensive, you wearing that?" He said, "no." Loved the shirt.
My #6 was Home.
Sarah: Was that one a horror movie?
Sarah: Is that a horror movie?
Brian: Depends. This was that piece of fucking shit movie that was an animated feature starring Rihanna as a little girl with J-Lo as her mom.
Sarah: Oh, right! Yeah, "I'm waving my arms as if I just don't care."
Brian: Yes. Thank you. I needed that.
Sarah: You're welcome. That was my "that guy" impression.
Brian: I...I do not, do not fucking enjoy him.
Sarah: [all too well...] We know. You've mentioned. Which is...[to camera] the problem with that is that, whenever we see something that says Big Bang Theory on it, the first thought in mine or David's or Brad's is, "I should buy that for Brian. Yes, it's $150."
Brian: The Bang.
Sarah: It's the Lego set for The Big Bang Theory, and it'd be a very expensive joke, but it'd be worth it for the look on his face. It'd be something like...[makes a very sour face]
Brian: That's like when Brad sent me a photo, he was somewhere, like a costume shop back around...Halloween, I think. And he sends me over this photo of just this blank-faced white guy mask.
Sarah: Was it a Sheldon Cooper mask?
Brian: It was a Sheldon Cooper mask. It basically looked like if you took...
Sarah: If you turned it inside-out, you could start committing serial killings.
Brian: You don't have to flip it inside-out. It looked like if you took, like, the big paper-mâché head for, like, Frank, and just deflated it. It's just this really sad, like, expressionless white man. Yes, that is definitely a person mask.
But no, this movie was just...
Sarah: I should've bought it. I would've worn that for Halloween.
Brian: This movie was just fucking intolerable, from first frame 'til the end. It's vaguely a musical just because, at times, it's like, "ooh, we should put on the radio," turns on the radio, and it's a Rihanna song, whether it's one of her classic songs or a song that was done for the movie. [Poster] 'Cause it's just so fucking stupid, 'cause everything he says is because he doesn't understand, like, Earth-lingo, like... Yeah, I get it, colloquialisms don't really translate to other cultures. But you know what? It's like, like you said, "ooh, I should wave my hands around as though I do not seem to care where they are waving" bullshit. Like, shut the fuck up. The entire movie was such inane bullshit like that. And just the sound of his fucking voice alone. It doesn't even matter that it was animated; it's still insufferable to hear that man's fucking voice. I do not like him as a person.
Sarah: Okay. What about in The Muppets, where it's him, but it's not his voice?
Brian: I have not seen that.
Sarah: Oh, okay.
Sarah: Push the button.
Brian: It's not pushed, we're recording.
Sarah: Push it again.
Brian: Then we're not recording.
Sarah: Push it three times. My #5...I ate a light bulb while we were gone; it was delicious. My #5 was Vacation.
Brian: Vacation, all I ever wanted to?
Sarah: We were discussing this downstairs...
Brian: Vacation, had to get away?
Sarah: ...had to get away from that movie. Earlier in the video, we were trying to remember what other movies we saw during the Brad and Sarah Show, and I was like, "I thought there was a third one and I thought it was terrible." It was, and it was. Vacation. There was four movies that we saw, and two of them were on the Worst list, and two would be on the Best list if I was doing a Best list. So...have you seen Vacation?
Brian: No, and I have zero plan to ever make that mistake.
Sarah: Have you ever seen the original Vacation?
Sarah: Okay, and you enjoyed them, I'm sure.
Brian: I thought they were okay. I've honestly long held the belief that Chevy Chase is overrated.
Sarah: I concur, but he was the highlight of this movie, 'cause there were two moments that I laughed during it, and one of them was, Chevy Chase's character is running a bed and breakfast now, and instead of washing the sheets, he just Febrezes them.
Brian: I worked in a hotel, I know how that works. Some days you get really busy.
Sarah: Yep. Aloha fresh. So Vacation was basically...I knew that I was gonna have to go see it, and I knew that I wasn't gonna like it 'cause it's exactly that sort of movie that I don't like, where it's just a series of horrible and embarrassing things happening to a group of people who are just trying to keep it together. And lo, it came to pass!
Brian: How could this be?
Sarah: There was a scene in it where—I'm sure you've seen the previews—where they're...they, like, pull over to stop at a...they're gonna swim in a lake and they're like, "oh, Hot Springs, sulfur is good for your skin," and it turns out it's poop and medical waste. [Fake laughter]
Brian: It's like, why is that just off from the main road?
Sarah: I don't know. And there's, like, a different scene where they stop at Christina Applegate's old college, and it turns out she was like a big old ho-bag when she was in college. And they have this obstacle course, the girls will drink the pitcher of beer and then run the obstacle course, and it's for charity. And she's like, "oh, I don't do that sort of stuff anymore," and they're like, "what are you, chicken?" And she's like, "oh, I got this," and she chugs the thing of beer, and she barfs her way across the obstacle course. And it's gross, and it is not funny, and it just makes you feel really bad for everyone involved, and it is a very good indicator of how the rest of this movie was going to go.
Brian: And that was the first five minutes.
Sarah: That was the first twenty minutes. They had this car that they had rented that had expensive bits keep falling off. There was buttons on the console that's just like a rabbit wearing a hat, and you press it and the tires fall off.
Brian: Yeah, I remember seeing that in the...in one of the trailers for it, and the only thing I could think was like, what possible purpose is this? Like, this is a joke that would barely work in a comedy.
Sarah: Well, it is a comedy...
Brian: Oh, I'm sorry, I mean a cartoon.
Sarah: Yeah, no, certainly not.
Brian: That's some, like, Looney Tunes...you know, like, Wile E. Coyote gets a fucking...you know, like, he bought a fast car from Acme to keep up, but...
Sarah: Maybe that's what they're going for, sort of like a cartoony element of it, but it wasn't funny.
Brian: Yeah, it was like, from what I saw, this whole car subplot is ridiculous. I remember, I think, in the trailer, there was one where he pushes a button, and all the seats just start shuffling around like it's a fucking...
Sarah: Mm-hmm. And they're all screaming and they almost die, and it's not funny.
Brian: My #5 is Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension. It's one of those where it's just like, every time they make a sequel, it's fundamentally worse than the one before it. [screenshot] They've got a fucking camera from the '80s, like this modified VHS camcorder that has, like, twice as many picture tubes as a normal camera should have and all these extra buttons on it that allows it to...see ghosts. Who built this camera? It seems like...it's in the box of stuff that's, like, from the videographer guy who was in the third one, but he never built a ghost camera that we saw.
Sarah: So...so we have this technology, apparently, to see...
Brian: So they could put this one found-footage movie into 3D, 'cause later he uses the ghost dimension button.
Sarah: That makes it three-dimensional?
Brian: Basically, yeah. Literally, the only parts in the movie that are in 3D are when they are using that specific camera. But like, one of the main characters in it is one of the guys in The Wedding Ringer.
Sarah: Okay. Is it Josh Gad?
Brian: The guy with the mustache. [Sarah tries to remember] He was, like, the lazy one that they told, "oh, and you're, like, the cripple guy." He's like, "I can walk." He's like, "nope. Crippled guy."
Sarah: [laughs a little] That's right.
Brian: Yeah, he was, like, one of the main characters in this movie. They even gave up trying to find, like, faceless actors. And it's just so fucking stupid. It starts, like, world-building and, like, expanding on a concept that no one gave a shit about. And, like, all of the sudden, this little girl...them being able to see the demon thing, like Toby does nothing for the movie, doesn't add anything. It almost makes it vaguely worse.
Sarah: Like, what does Toby look like?
Brian: A big, swirly, kind of black thing. It's still indecipherable to see what the fuck it even is.
Sarah: So my fourth worst movie was Aloha. I assume you've seen the preview for this movie.
Brian: It seemed like just an endearing rom-com from the people who brought you Silver Linings Playbook.
Sarah: No, not at all what it is about. So, it's about Bradley Cooper is, like, a independent government contractor who's in Hawaii working for the government. I guess...I think he's kind of like an attache 'cause he seems to be mostly doing, like...social events and, like, showing up for ribbon cuttings stuff. Emma Stone has been assigned to be his kind of like a...sidekick/handler.
Sarah: She's half-Hawaiian in this movie...because she looks so half-Hawaiian.
Brian: The same as we do.
Sarah: Yes, we are also half-Hawaiian, we should've mentioned.
Brian: From the waist down.
Sarah: The whitest people in Christendom.
Brian: [laughing] She's like a fucking albino. She's not even tan in the movie, she's just that same Emma Stone color.
Sarah: I don't think she does any other colors. I think that that's the one she comes in—that and freckled that.
Brian: That's like me.
Brian: I have another color—fuck-off sunburned.
Sarah: So she's like...he's being...irascible dirtbag, and she's being adorable and knowledgeable about the Hawaiian culture. He's trying to talk the Hawaiian guys into letting the government build a thing on a sacred mountain, and they're like, "fucking no because it's a sacred mountain." And then...
Brian: None of these translate to the trailer.
Sarah: Nope, sure doesn't. And then Bill Murray shows up, and he's like, "come work for me, and I'm also secretly shooting a satellite into space so that we can have, like, shooting the enemy before they can shoot us." It'll be like this military satellite that's privately owned, which is super-dangerous and wrong for a number of reasons. And he's gonna turn him in, but then he isn't gonna turn him in, but then he does turn him in, but he isn't gonna turn him in, but then he sabotages the satellite so that it gets shot up into space, but then it doesn't work. This is the main plot of the movie. Meanwhile, his ex-wife lives on Hawaii and is married to John Krasinski, who is the high point to the movie, even though he has, like, a line. 'Cause he's basically, like...his ex-wife married John Krasinski and had this daughter, and the whole movie's like, is this daughter John Krasinski's daughter, or is it Bradley Cooper's daughter? Turns out it's Bradley Cooper's daughter, which is most of the reason why it made it so far down on my bottom list, is how this movie ends, which is that...'cause the ex-wife was gonna break up with John Krasinski, get back together with Bradley Cooper, but then she doesn't, but she does tell Bradley Cooper, "by the way, this is totally your daughter." So Bradley Cooper goes to the little girl's ballet class, 'cause she's at ballet in this kind of like corner studio, and he's standing outside the glass just staring at her. And she looks out—this is the man she's met, like, two months ago; interacted with him maybe three times. She looks out the window, and they have this eyeball conversation where she's like, "oh, hey, it's you. Wait, are you my father?" And he's like, "yes, yes I am." And she's like, "oh, thank Christ." And so she runs outside and she gives him a big old hug. Like, "fuck the man who raised me; you're my new daddy now." That's the end of the movie.
Brian: [trying to take it in] What?!
Sarah: Also, he ends up with Emma Stone.
Brian: My #4 is...a complete piece of shit.
Sarah: [waving bag list] They've all been!
Brian: But even in a list of shit, this is getting into, like, the shit of the shit.
Sarah: I know.
Brian: My #4 was Knock Knock.
Sarah: Knock Knock, was that a horror movie?
Brian: [deep breath] Depends.
Sarah: It sounds like a horror movie, and I have no idea what it's about from the title. Just sounds vaguely creepy.
Brian: It is...it is the epitome of guy-getting-shit-on-unfortunately-type movies.
Brian: Okay, so you know the movie The Strangers.
Sarah: [pause] Yes.
Brian: Okay, now instead of Scott Speedman and Liv Tyler, it's just Keanu Reeves.
Brian: And instead of three masked individuals who are trying to lure them out of the house to kill them so that they can have this bizarre game of cat-and-also-cat, instead of that, it's two, like, bisexual party girls who want to bang the shit out of Keanu Reeves, and then fucking torture him to death.
Sarah: Okay...how far into this plan do they get?
Brian: All of that.
Sarah: Oh, they torture him to death. [beat] Spoilers.
Brian: It's...no, he's still alive at the end of the movie, when we leave off, but it's...so fucking stupid. He's like this...he's married and has a couple of kids, and his wife and kids are going to like, the beach or something for the weekend, and he's gonna stay at home and work. He's like, an architect or something like that. And like, they're planning like, this trip. It's right after his birthday, so his wife's like, "I'll take the kids and get outta here, we'll let you work. You can just...have the run of the house." Like, he's also a musician, and uses that as his one time of the year free pass to just like, get high as fuck and not have to worry about his kid seeing his dad like, out of his fucking mind, like trippin' balls. So he's just at home, working on some fucking plats and gettin' hella high. And then, these two...these two fucking party girls show up in like, [screenshot of the girls (Ana de Armas and Lorenza Izzo)] the middle of the fucking rainstorm wearing like, next to goddamn nothing.
And then it slowly keeps rolling this way. It's like, "stay here, I'm gonna grab something," and then he comes back, they're not there. They're just like, running through his house doing doofy shit. It's like, "sorry, we were looking for towels." He's like, "here's some towels." It's like, "oh, but our clothes are so wet." He's like, "fine, here's something to put on, I'll throw these in the dryer." And then it keeps building the awkward. There's this huge scene, like, Brad and I talked about it a lot in the video we did for that one. He's in his living room, and there's an absurd number of chairs in this living room. It's like that scene in Knocked Up. "Why are there five chairs in this room, and they're all different?"
Sarah: I like this chair. Let's line the chairs up.
Brian: There's a lot of chairs in this room, and they just keep like... He sits on the couch, and he's having a conversation, they're across the room saying like, vaguely leading things. He's like, "yeah, I used to be in a band." Like, "I think musicians are so fucking sexy. I fucked the shit out of this one musician."
Sarah: I think this is the point where you'd text your wife. "Hey, these girls came to the door, I let them in so they could get dry, but now they're really creeping me out, so...I'll keep up posted so you know what the situation is."
Brian: And then one of them would come sit on the couch. [Putting arm around Sarah] "You're so in shape." And then he'd be...
Sarah: Text text text text text text text text!
Brian: ...like, "yeah, I work out a little bit," and then he'd stand up, walk over, and sit in an armchair across the room. And then, they'd just be sitting there like, "yeah, like me, I try to work out a lot," and they'll start walking over there, like, put the leg up on the chair.
Sarah: If you guys can't see it, Brian's doing like, the ballet tippie-toe.
Brian: He'd be like, "uh, yeah..." and then he'd get up and go stand by the window, and they'd come over and start leaning against the window and start like [paws with his right hand] against the glass. And like, "uh, yeah," and then go across there. It keeps happening like this until eventually like, he's getting like, fucking cornered by them, like...he kinda yells at them to cut the shit, they're like, "sorry, we're just playing." And then he goes to do something, like, "I want you to fuck out of my house! Get your fucking clothes and get the fuck out of my house!" And he goes to get their stuff, he comes back, he can't find them again. They're like, in the bathroom. He finally gets the door open to the bathroom, and they're just in the shower getting all soapy like, "come on, your wife will never know." He's like, "fuck no!" And they start like, forcing themselves on him, so...he bangs them.
Sarah: So it's one of those "eventually, they start liking it" situations.
Brian: Yeah. But then, it's like, they end up like, basically kidnapping him. Like, he wakes up the next morning, and they have just destroyed his home. Like, breaking shit, doing all kinds of fucking shit all over the place, like, make a huge goddamn mess. And they start tormenting him with all this shit. Like, "I want you to get the fuck out of my house!"
"Okay, we'll have to call for a ride,"
"Who should I call?"
"I don't know. You could call my parents. They're probably worried that I never made it home last night."
"What the fuck are you talking about?"
"Oh...well, she's 15, I just turned 16."
Sarah: Oh, no.
Brian: And they start hitting him with that kind of shit. They keep beating him up and tying him to stuff, torturing him. [screenshot] And they start like, giving all this shit how like, they've done the exact same thing to a bunch of other guys in other neighborhoods like, this whole same thing to like, see if they're like good husbands or not, and no one ever says no. And one of them had recorded him banging one of them, even though he was tied down under duress. Like, they were basically threatening to murder him right there unless he performed. And they recorded that and posted it to like, his Facebook wall. He left his phone sitting next to his face, so he can see all of his friends and family like, "dude, what the fuck is this?"
"This had better not be real."
"Oh my God, man!"
"Your fucking marriage is over."
And he's sitting here like...this is how the movie ends, with him like, rocking back and forth trying to like, hit...some magic version of Facebook where there's a big delete button next to the post. He keeps rocking forward, trying to hit it with his face, he finally hits the phone, and he accidentally hits the like button.
Sarah laughs hysterically
And he just kicks his head back like, "AAAHHHH!" screaming, and that's the end of the movie. So what, this turned into some weird, goofy fucking comedy in the last five seconds?
Sarah: Oh, my God, that's making my stomach hurt, just thinking about this movie.
Brian: It's goddamn terrible. It's just like...every bad thing that could happen, happens in this movie to him. Every time he gets free, he ends up getting caught again in a matter of seconds. At one point, he even gets free of them and starts running out the front door, he makes it about ten feet, then trips and cracks his head on the ground. They just go out there and just drag him back into the house.
And what's terrible is, after seeing...this is the next movie he did after John Wick, which is really good.
Sarah: Why would he do this?
Brian: And this is just terrible. Plus it's an Eli Roth film, and it's a remake, I guess, of one from the '70s that goes by the same premise.
Sarah: Only back in the '70s, he posted on Proto-Facebook.
Brian: Yeah, I don't know, "I took all these Polaroids and mailed them to your friends. Come get you in four weeks."
[Screenshot of the girls and a bound Keanu Reeves]
Sarah: Rocking chair to hail the mailman like, "don't mail those Polaroids!" I'm done talking about this movie; my stomach hurts.
Brian: I had to watch the fucking thing.
Sarah: [patting his shoulder] I'm sorry. There, there.
Brian: What's your #3?
Sarah: My #3 is no Knock Knock, I'll tell you that.
Brian: No Knock Knock, I don't think I've seen that one.
Sarah: It did have singing in it. My #3 was Pan.
Brian: I've heard a few things of this movie.
Sarah: You heard about Pan, have you?
Brian: Nothing favorable. I heard it was critically panned.
Sarah: Well, it was panned by me, I'll tell you what. So basically, it's Peter Pan before Peter Pan happened, where it's like...we're finding out how Peter Pan went to Never-Neverland, how he got captured and sold into slavery by the pirate of the time, Hugh Jackman.
Brian: What a very specific name he had.
Sarah: Yes, Captain Hugh Jackman. I think like Blackbeard or Redbeard or something similar...
Brian: Didn't he just have a sinister mustache in the movie?
Sarah: No, he had like, red eye shadow and a moo-stache, and I want to say a Van Dyke goatee, and then like, a wig, a Hook-style wig.
Brian: A big feathery piece, like a Final Fantasy character.
Sarah: It turned out he'd been murdering fairies because fairitonium, which is like the rock form of pixie dust, you could like, grind up and inhale...
Brian: [laughing] And get crazy high.
Sarah: ...in a gas mask-style face attachment, and it gives you eternal youth. So he'd been using this to become younger again.
Brian: I just feel like that would make you hella high.
Sarah: So he's been like...yeah, it would make you hella high...'cause he flies, 'cause of pixie dust.
Brian: Sorry, so he's after unobtainium.
Sarah: Yes, he's been after unobtainium, so he's been stealing children from like, Blitzkrieg-era Great Britain. Well, apparently, he's been stealing children from all eras of time because Captain Hook is a cowboy who's also been stolen to help mine fairitonium.
Brian: So he's taking impoverished, vaguely famished British children, and also strapping young lads from the American West.
Sarah: Yes, to mine until they die.
Brian: I kind of feel like getting more strapping young lads would be productive than half-dead orphans.
Sarah: Well, they're British, they're scrappy, so you know...keep their chin up.
Brian: He's just a wee bit gamey, come on. Stiff upper lip.
Sarah: So anyway, the way that he greets these newly stolen children—which apparently, the route from Great Britain to Never-Neverland is like a weird acid trip where, at some points, you're flying off of a boat on a balloon string, and at some points, you're "bigger than Saturn." So they get there...
Brian: That's how you get from the chocolate river back to the factory rooms at Willy Wonka's factory.
Sarah: Yeah, but then they get there, and it's like Mad Max: Fury Road, so it's just like they're in this canyon, and he's like, up in this platform kinda looking down on them, and they're all against the wall, and they're like, chanting, and you can't figure out what they're saying until you make out, "here we are now, entertain us," and you realize they're singing "Smells Like Teen Spirit," and they go through basically the entire song. And he's standing there like, "ha ha ha! Yes, children, just as we practiced!"
Brian: Are you not entertain us?
Sarah: So later, I think they did "Blitzkrieg Bop."
Brian: You know, cause the blitz was on.
Sarah: I have trouble the first time I did this. I called it the "Blitzkrieg Pop," I had a bad pronunciation, but it's Bop, right?
Sarah: Yes. So, he's murdering children for not following the rules, so he's got three children up on top because Peter Pan has found unobtainium. But then, some other guy, like a beardy prospector is like, "ahh, that's my unobtainium!" So he knocks him over, steals it, and Peter Pan's like, "he stole that," and beardy guy's like, "no, you stole it," so he's gonna drop them off the scaling. So he goes, and then he flies. Not so much flies as he does not plummet entirely. And so it's discovered that it's because...
Brian: Like the Jessica Jones thing: she doesn't fly, she just falls with purpose.
Sarah: She just falls and doesn't die. So it turn out it's because his father...his mother is a fairy princess...
Brian: Of course she was.
Sarah: ...or his father was a fairy princess, and his mother was a pirate. I can't...they told this story through this whole weird computer-generated wood. Like, they're all sitting on this stump. "Now the magic stump will provide us some plot exposition," and then bloop-bloop-bloop-bloop, and it had like, little stump puppets, and it told the story of his origins.
Brian: What the fuck?
Sarah: And then later, they're like...in a...in a lagoon, and it's like, "now the magic lagoon will give us more exposition," and then bloop-bloop-bloop-bloop, and there's like, bubble people told more of the story of like, his plot origins. And so he's basically, like...he gets rescued by Captain Hook, and then they, like, steal a boat, and they find Princess Tiger Lily, who's Rooney Mara.
Brian: What is with you seeing movies with people the wrong race?
Sarah: The thing is, it's not as racist as you would expect it to be, seeing as that they're the "savages," because it's like, instead of making them all like, white people dressed as Indians, like it was in the cartoon, it's white people dressed as all sort of aboriginal cultures, but they're aboriginal cultures as depicted with craft items, so she's got this headdress made of yarn, and all the tepees are like, knit and have hanging fringes on it, like if you took...
Brian: If Pinterest threw up?
Sarah: Yeah, so if Pinterest threw up, and it was a savages' village. Like, the head guy, he looks like an actual aboriginal fella, [poster] and he's supposed to be the grandfather of Rooney Mara. It's all very confusing. You shoot 'em, and they explode in a cloud of purple smoke, so it's very pretty, but that person's not alive anymore.
Brian: That same thing happened in Kingsman.
Sarah: And they find the fairy place and he talks to it. It must've been his mom, yeah, 'cause he's talking to his mom, and I think his mom is Emma Stone. [Makes a weird face] But her face is made of fairies 'cause she's actually not alive anymore, but it's like the ghost of a whisper of her life, and so she's back to tell him she loves him, she's always loved him. And throughout the entirety of the movie, it's trying to be all like, you know, high fantasy, but it keeps like, reverting to weird slapstickiness. So he's fighting Captain Hugh Jackman on the flying boats when they're in the fairy town and people keep falling over, like "whooaaaa!!!" [Poster] At the beginning, when they're being stolen by pirates, the kid just gets squarely punched in the nuts.
Brian: I look forward to seeing how that pays off in the sequel.
Sarah: Yes, I'm sure they're gonna make a sequel.
Brian: Still waiting for Last Airbender: Chapter Two.
Sarah: Book of Earth. "As you know, John, when we went to the second library in the middle of the desert and fought a giant owl scholar." What's your #3?
Brian: The Gallows.
Sarah: The Gallows.
Brian: And I felt guilty saying it at the time, and I still feel kinda guilty comparing it that way, but it's the only thing I got, guys. It seemed like the sort of like, horror film like, whenever guys are like, shopping around like...you know, their made-at-home horror films at horror cons. Like, dude running around with a guy wearing like a baby doll head on top of his...you know, like a giant baby doll mask on his face or something. "Hey, come to Viewing Room C on the second mezzanine at 5:00 tonight. We're doing a screening of..."
Sarah: "...The Gallows, starring my friend Christine!" And then Christine's wearing a bra that looks like hands. "Hey, guys, I'm in The Gallows."
Brian: Exactly. That is what this movie felt like. It was made by like, five people, seemingly over the course of a weekend in a high school.
Sarah: Uh-huh. I'm remembering more and more about this movie as you're talking.
Brian: It's found-footage...
Sarah: It's that Charlie one, right?
Sarah: Yeah. Okay.
Brian: Well, the found-footage aspect of it is terrible, it's done really poorly, it's confusing at times, certain people are having voice-over as it's being recorded, but like...it's clearly like, dubbed in. They'll yell at somebody like, "hey, Chet!"
They're like, [covers mouth] "Hey, what's up?"
He's like, "we're still going to the movies, right?"
[Covers mouth] "Yeah, totally, let me just ask my mom."
It's like, "there was no one over there, so we recorded that on a totally different mic and looped in it." It doesn't sound like anyone is there.
Sarah: "Someone I can't see, nor will I ever see. Just fall on their bottom into some pudding."
Brian: "God, is that You? Who's there?" Yeah, it's amateur hour at its finest. The people have very set roles. The main guy is...honestly, the main guy in the movie is, in any other movie, he would be the bad guy. It'd be like if Karate Kid was all about Billy Zabka's character, just thoroughly shitting on this new kid. Like, "what's up, new kid? Nice bike," kick! Like, "ha ha, totally showed his jerk ass! [Gives the deuces] Puh!"
Yeah, like, if you followed him around, if you just followed around like, whatever he did for the rest of his day. Like, there are several scenes of him going around actively bullying the weirdo kids at school who are in the drama club. He keeps joking that this one kid's gay and mocking him about him. It was like, we're sitting there watching it like, "this is fucking deplorable." That's our lead guy. That one came out like, still during a big time of bullying and cyberbullying and all that being a huge issue. This is like a reverse PSA.
Sarah: Does he end up dying?
Brian: The movie makes zero sense. It's back in like, the '80s or '90s or something, like...yeah, it was during the '90s, during the school play. Part of it involves this gallows, and for whatever reason, they built a fully functioning gallow, complete with trap door.
Sarah: Because why wouldn't you? You're gonna get your wood shop credits.
Brian: So they're doing this play, and surprise, he gets hung to death.
Sarah: That'll happen. C-.
Brian: And then, like, they're putting on this play again for the first time since that happened to show, like, "yay."
Sarah: Well, they still got the gallows.
Brian: They build a new one.
Sarah: Oh, also still works.
Brian: Yeah, it's more substantive-looking, and works even better. Like, you already know what happened the first time they did this. Why would you build another one that works? It's a fucking stage play, it doesn't have to actually open. [screenshot] Eventually, they all just...like, what'll happen when one of them dies is, they're standing there like, "I don't know what's going on," and they'll look back and dude with a hangman's hood on will just put a noose around one of their necks, bzzzzzzz!, and then they'll just fly up into the fucking ceiling.
Sarah: Pfft, okay.
Brian: It's like, what the fuck? And eventually, it comes to pass that the girl that the guy falls for, the leader of the drama club thing, is actually the daughter of the guy who got killed.
Sarah: So...I thought they were in high school. So he had a teenage pregnancy.
Sarah: And then immediately died.
Brian: And no one knew about this.
Sarah: I feel like someone probably should've known about it.
Brian: Well, 'cause they even mentioned like, his girlfriend was at the school that night for the play, and then after that happened, she dropped out of school and never came back. And apparently, no one has ever asked this girl in the course of 18 years, "hey, who's your mom?" So yeah, it turns out that like...
Sarah: In their defense, I don't ask a lot of people, "hey, who's your mom?"
Brian: But I mean, in a small town like that, it would come up.
Sarah: Well, you'd know better than I.
Brian: Well, yeah. [screenshot] Suddenly, random ending. Not twist ending, just ratchets over to a totally different subject.
Sarah: Can I have a sip of your Pepsi?
Brian: [handing over the bottle] Yeah. It was so out-of-fucking-left-field. Yeah, it felt like a movie that should've come like, straight to Netflix after somebody finally got enough money to distribute it on there. It felt like a thing we'd pick on at a con where somebody's going around like, "hey, five bucks, copy of our movie."
Sarah: Is that actually Pepsi?
Sarah: Is that Dr. Pepper?
Sarah: Did you just trick me into drinking Dr. Pepper?
Sarah: That is the worst thing...that is the worst thing you've done today.
Brian: I drank all my Pepsi, I bought this thing to bring over, I ended up drinking it, and like, "shit, it's a lot more Dr. Pepper," 'cause I needed something to drink.
Sarah: And Sarah said, "hey, can I have some of your Pepsi," and you're like, "yeah, sure."
Brian: To be fair, I forgot it wasn't Pepsi.
Sarah: You've been drinking it!
Brian: I forgot. I don't have a problem with it.
Sarah: Dr. Pepper's so gross.
Sarah: Okay, so between my #2 and my #1, I've been going back and forth a lot because these are both very, very bad movies in very different ways. But I think, for my #2, I'm gonna have to go with The Loft, and it's been a while since I've seen The Loft, so you'll have to bear with me because I was so angry when I came out of it that it can't not be at least #2. Are you familiar? 'Cause you got Brad that poster, right?
Brian: Yeah, yeah, I think Dave and I were walking across the parking lot and we looked over, and this was the week after The Loft opened, and they'd already taken the big one-sheet out of the light box outside and didn't even take it inside to throw it away. They just stuffed it in the trash can outside the parking lot. Like, we were walking away, I looked over and it was like the...have you seen the poster?
Sarah: Like the swirly-do? It's actually a really cute poster.
Brian: It's purple and black and going in this spiral thing.
Sarah: Looks like a Criterion sort of thing.
Brian: Yeah, that they used to trick people into thinking it was better.
Sarah: I'm still burping Dr. Pepper.
Brian: I saw that like, "I think that's the poster for The Loft," and pulled it out, sure fucking enough. So that was our present to him.
Sarah: Yeah, 'cause you were talking about that Nicolas Cage one being...not Nicolas Cage, the one after it, how it didn't deserve to be in movie theaters, it played like a direct-to-video movie.
Brian: The Gallows? The one I was just talking about?
Sarah: Yeah, that's the one. There's a reason I had to look all these up again after I got my list together. It's because me memory is shit.
So The Loft is very similar in that it didn't deserve to be in the movie theaters one iota. It didn't even seem like an On Demand movie, it seemed like the kind of movie where you'd, like, go to the movie rental place late at night, and then you'd rent it strictly because the cover looked really cool.
Brian: Because of the cover? Yeah, that seems interesting.
Sarah: Like, "ooh, sexy thriller," and then you'd watch it and you'd be angry at yourself for deciding to watch it.
Brian: I got duped. That's how The Perfect Guy was. It was one that was on my list of ones that I didn't like this year, but I didn't rank it. But from beginning to end, it just felt like you were watching like, a fucking Lifetime movie. It had fade-to-blacks every so often that it felt like, and this is where the commercials go.
Sarah: And it didn't feel like a Lifetime movie, but it definitely felt like a made-for-TV movie where they were trying to make a thriller, and then they put boobs in it, so they're like, "well, I guess it's gotta go in the movie theaters."
Brian: Well, what else can we do?
Sarah: It's about these five guys who are all kinda terrible human beings and they decide, 'cause Karl Urban plays an architect, and he had designed this building to have this "loft" in it that's basically like this vestigial cube hanging off the side of the building. In the video, I described it as like when you have like, a Jenga tower, and then you like, boosh, push of the little blocks out, that's what the loft looked like on the side of this building.
Brian: Like you're making a skyscraper out of Legos and you're like, "I'm at the top, I just need one more 1x2 piece," and then you're like, "shit, I just have a 1x3."
Sarah: Yeah, it's just hanging off with a little post on. So these five friends decide that they're gonna go in together to have this secret loft, a secret man-loft, and they're gonna take their mistresses there so that they can have a place where they can have sex with their mistresses, and their wives will be none the wiser.
Brian: It seems like that's a bad idea for a secret loft, considering how it looks like a building with a tumor.
Sarah: Mm-hmm, and also, there's immediately a murder. So Karl Urban comes to the loft with groceries for the loft, and there's like, a dead woman laying in a pool of blood in the one bed that apparently, thinking about it, they all use to bang their mistresses on.
Brian: And...I'm assuming this place has a really nice washer and dryer and a fully stocked linen room full of sheets...
Sarah: I don't know, the bed was kind of just in the middle of the living room.
Brian: ...that they just change frequently.
Sarah: Yeah, I don't know, I think they're just all gross.
Brian: Maybe they also have a bang-maid.
Sarah: Yeah, that comes through, they also sew her lips shut so she's sworn to secrecy.
So, yeah, there's a murdered lady and they're trying to figure out who done it, and they think that it's Karl Urban's creepy brother, but then they think it might be the other friend who might be gay for Karl Urban, but then it turns out he's not gay for Karl Urban, he...videos the stuff that goes on in the room and is secretly in love with Karl Urban's mistress? Maybe? It's right about this point that things get foggy 'cause they are like 20 plot twists in this movie.
Brian: I remember Brad saying that, that there's just so many things going on in this movie, and they don't follow through with any of them.
Sarah: No, they don't. And the problem is, they want it to be sexy and they want it to be thrilling, and it's neither. It's just stone cold boring. By the end, you don't care who murdered this girl; you just want it to end, and you also want them all to go to jail and be caught up by their wives. Because that's...all five of them have wives with varying degrees of reasons why they should be cheated on. Everywhere from "is verbally abusive," which, like, the fat guy has a fat wife whose pet name for him is Tubby. But then there's the other one whose wife has diabetes, so..what else could you do?
Brian: [laughing] You're genetically flawed to me!
Sarah: Or like Karl Urban's wife's big sin is getting older.
Brian: It's like, "why are you cheating on yours, man?"
"She just chews really loud. We had to go to dinner with her tonight, and it was like...I gotta unwind."
Sarah: And they're like, really bad at hiding the fact that they're cheating on their wives, so that there's one dinner party that they're at where all their mistresses are at, so they're doing concentric circles around each other, doing the telenovela stares, and their wives are at this party.
Brian: One of the guys goes up to one of the other ones. "Do you have the ey-kay to the oft-lay?"
Sarah: "So I can ick-day," wait..."ick-day my istress-may?" "Ick-day my istress-may." It's Bang Latin. So yeah, if I was at a party, and Dave was at the party, and he was doing concentric, portentous glare circles with some woman, well obviously, he's sleeping with her.
Brian: I'd be like, well that seems weird.
Sarah: I should probably ask him about that or I can just frame him for murder. That's probably the best plan. So, yeah, sometimes when I go back to these movies for the Worst-Ofs, I kind of re-watch, as I've mentioned, the reviews to try and figure out what my opinions of the movies are in relation to what I think my opinions of the movies were. Like I was saying that Pixels, I'd originally thought like that was the worst movie of the year, but then I re-watched the video, and Past Sarah thought it was fine, it wasn't nearly as bad as she expected it to be, so it moved up the list. And The Loft, I remembered very little about it, but then I watched the review of it, I was like, "oh, right, that piece of shit!"
Brian and Sarah: Fucking bitch! I hate that fucking bitch!
Brian: My #2 was a fairly recent one. Jem and the Holograms—a movie that was made with no one in particular in mind. This is a movie that didn't need to be made. I get it, there's these sweeping waves of '80s nostalgia, you know? I get it. Like, everyone who's making movies now is like, our age and has like, the same life experiences.
Sarah: From what I've heard, the Jem and the Holograms movie has like, nothing to do with the original cartoon.
Brian: Absolutely dick. It's...
Sarah: Maybe it's a prank on the children.
Brian: Prank on somebody. No, it's filmed...part of it is filmed...part of it is filmed like... I mean, it was done by the same guy that did that Justin Bieber documentary, and a lot of it is filmed like that. There's like, parts where you're just watching YouTube videos, and there's weird cutaways to show you things like, they're having this big conversation like, "your video has more likes than that water-skiing squirrel," and then it cuts...
Sarah: Remember that water-skiing squirrel?
Brian: It cuts to that, and you watch that video, and it cuts back to them talking. [Picture of Jem (Aubrey Peeples)] And it's ridiculous, the way that this...from what I was reading in some interviews about it, the way this movie was made was basically, they wanted to make it as essentially having the first movie be a prequel, which, there's a concept for you. The first movie is essentially just the origin story of how she came to be called Jem, and her friends the Holograms.
Sarah: Why were they called the Holograms?
Brian: Just a fucking name they came up with. And the plan was, then when they get to the second movie, to really kick it up into lie, the sort of stuff that people remembered from the old '80s cartoon, sort of like how the first GI Joe movie was about a bunch of guys versus a bunch of other guys, and over the course of the movie, it was like, "oh, no, a thing happened," and now instead of being, you know, fairly threatening Christopher Eccleston, he now has metal grafted to his face, so now he is Destro, like you remember him. It's like, okay. Oh, here's Cobra Commander, he's just a guy. And then in the second one, he's finally wearing a face plate. Stuff like that, it's like, "hey, here's this girl, and now she can play an instrument, and now she's Jem and the Holograms." And then in the next one, she'll actually get to be Jem and the Holograms.
So it's made with no one in particular in mind. Fans of the show from back in the day, this isn't gonna satisfy them either 'cause it's not showing them anything that revolves around that. It'd be like if whenever Michael Bay first got around to doing like, the first Transformers movie, if it was just about Sam Witwicky and his family, and eventually they come across a semi-truck.
Sarah: At the very end of the movie, the headlights go [makes sound like lights are coming on]
Brian: But then in the next one...yeah, fucking exactly, and then in the next one, it turns out it's Optimus Prime. It's like, "okay, cool."
Sarah: "I don't care anymore."
Brian: That's not how you make a movie. It'd be like if the first Amazing Spider-Man was just Andrew Garfield fucking around for two hours, and then it ends with him going to the science fair and getting bit. Ta-da! And then in the next movie, he gets to be Spider-Man.
Sarah: My #1 movie of the year—and at first, I was thinking we were gonna have the same thing, but I don't think you went and saw this one—was War Room.
Brian: Psych! No, I saw War Room too. They knew that, you didn't.
Sarah: Psych on me.
Brian: It's also my #1.
Sarah: Yay! Let's discuss it together! [Brian gives a smiling thumbs-up] 'Cause I knew that...did you go see it with me? I know that Dave and Brad went and saw it...that's right, we did see it together.
Brian: Remember me?
Sarah: It's been a long year! I just re-watched the review of this movie today!
Brian: And you still didn't think I went and saw it.
Sarah: I'm sorry.
Brian: No, that's the one that I went to, and I was in excruciating pain.
Sarah: That's right, 'cause I went to the lobby to see if anyone would give us some ibuprofen, and the lady in the lobby was super mean to me, so I managed to get you a cup of water with some ice in it, and you were just holding it onto your face.
Brian: Yeah, I had a really bad toothache when we were there at that one. Did not make the viewing experience for that one any goddamn better.
Sarah: War Room is one of those where I re-watched the review, and it's...my reaction to it at the time seemed fairly lackluster, I think just because it wasn't as bad as I was expecting it to be; it wasn't Single Moms Club bad. But upon reflection, it has gotten worse and worse in my mind, and I think that is the correct reaction.
Brian: Yeah, that...again, like, a lot of the movies on my list this year were ones that like, there's not really a reason why it was at a theater, this one especially.
Sarah: Yes. It seems like someone that Brad would've bought on DVD at a Christian store and been like, "hey, everybody, let's watch this."
Brian: "This looks hilarious. It's Jesus and jump ropes."
Sarah: The jump ropes were not advertised; they were a bonus.
Brian: But yeah, just...everything about that movie was terrible, even looking at it as like, religious propaganda. It's...sorry, I call it like I see it.
Sarah: It's not just religious propaganda, it's relationship propaganda.
Brian: "Oh, you think your relationship's goin' bad? Well..."
Sarah: "Stop bitching, go do something about it."
Brian: "Go with God, I guess."
Sarah: "Throw your shoes at the devil."
Brian: Take that, you devil.
Sarah: This is my house, you devil. Do an old lady dance. Yeah, devil get on out of her house.
Brian: You have to think that that lady's daughter was sitting there looking at her out the window like, "what the fuck is going on? Why is my mom dancing in the yard, yelling at the devil?"
Sarah: "God, I can smell her feet from here! Awful!"
Brian: "P.U.!" Fuck, I forgot that feet were a subplot.
Sarah: Yeah, remember how everyone kept mercilessly teasing her about her feet and how terrible they smelled, to the extent, the point that her self-esteem was so low that she didn't...she couldn't fathom a circumstance where her husband would rub her feet because her feet were so godawful and smelly?
Brian: Wash your feet.
Brian: Get some fucking insoles or something.
Sarah: Get some of that Monkey Butt powder.
Brian: Put some talc or something in there, I don't know. Some fucking baby powder.
Sarah: Yeah, if you got foot smell problems, that's something a doctor can help you with.
Brian: Yeah, you should maybe see a podiatrist. Like, you might have something wrong.
Sarah: Foot thrush.
Brian: I was gonna say like a toenail fungus. Just pull it up there and just get in.
Sarah: Or gangrene. Could be gangrenous. You could've accidentally bathed in a pool of raw sewage and not realized it.
Brian: I guess that's always a possibility, I suppose.
Sarah: [screenshot] You guys remember War Room, right? Better than I do, apparently.
Brian: I just remember, the main guy in it, his face, like, he looked like the devil.
Sarah: He did look like...he was the devil.
Brian: And the one thing of the movie, too, the subplot of he knows how to do a backflip, so they just keep finding excuses for him to do a backflip.
Sarah: [laughing with Brian] I forgot about the backflip! So proud of himself.
Brian: Like his one friend who was super hood. Like, he always talked like he fell out of a fucking sitcom.
Sarah: Are you talking about the one that was a preacher?
Brian: I don't know, his workout friend.
Sarah: Yeah, yeah, he was like, "you'd better treat your wife properly."
He's like, "I don't have to, I'm rich."
Brian: Yeah, he'd go to her. Like, "man, she's always bugging me."
He's like, "man, you got to be good to your woman, otherwise..." Why.
Sarah: Yeah, 'cause he was like, "man, why haven't I ever seen you in church?"
Brian: Yeah, he was very much on that shtick.
Sarah: There's a despicable...despicable moral to that story.
Brian: Every person in it was a terrible person...or just insufferable.
Sarah: Like the little old lady.
Brian: It's like, "I'm just gonna sit here and eat this ice cream."
"But ma'am, you were just assaulted."
"I don't care. Jesus got his own, I'm gonna eat this ice cream. I'll eat yours, too. You're too slow!"
Fuck off. This is so goddamn stupid.
Sarah: They're like, "oh, you want some coffee, honey? Here's some coffee."
"This is cold."
"Yeah, Jesus don't like it cold."
Why did you have a cup of cold coffee on deck specifically for that metaphor?!
Brian: You just kept a pot of coffee overnight just to be petty.
Sarah: Probably had mold in it. Jesus don't like it moldy either!
Brian: It's just so fucking stupid. That whole like, "he'll probably go to jail."
Sarah: He probably deserves to go to jail.
Brian: "As the white man, I appreciate and value your honesty. I shall not press charges."
Sarah: "I walked the streets all night trying to figure out why you would be so honest with me, and it would not permeate my brain, this information. I cannot imagine a man being so good as to admit he stole from me."
Brian: I love that he shows up so disheveled.
Sarah: Like, he just got back from walking the street contemplating life.
Brian: He looks like he just got back from living in the streets for a couple days. He's like, "I...I couldn't even find my house. I had to keep thinking about this."
Sarah: "Where am I?!"
Brian: Like, you've been walking for days.
Sarah: "Do you remember my name?!"
Brian: "Did you come from the city? Did you walk all the way here?"
Sarah: I think he must have.
Brian: "I just wanted to tell you that, in the middle of the night. I've gotta go."
Sarah: "I've got that big and beautiful house," and he gets arrested and he takes a job at like, the learning center for half...
Brian: A fraction.
Sarah: A fraction of the pay. There's no way in hell they're gonna keep that house.
Brian: Oh, no way, unless he takes out another mortgage, which yeah, that's always a good idea.
Sarah: Maybe he should get a job throwing shoes. I don't remember anything about this woman other than she threw shoes at the devil, and she made poor life choices.
Brian: At the end of the movie, it was like, a Sunday and a foot rub. The end.
Sarah: "You deserved it, Larry. All that praying you did."
Brian: For whatever reason, I remember the woman in that. She was an idiot, but...I think it was her look and her tone. It kept reminding me of those times that you see Michelle Obama pop up on Sesame Street.
Sarah: Yeah, just a lot of mugging. [mugs]
Brian: She's like, "I don't know." Her acting in that reminded me of that video of Michelle Obama you can find where she's talking about vegetables. I know there was...
Sarah: To Cookie Monster?
Brian: And it was worked into a thousand Vines an hour when that came out, her talking about sweet potatoes and turnips.
Sarah: So basically, your acting was like one talking to a child.
Sarah: We were the children in this scenario. And the turnips were the devil, and the sweet potatoes were Jesus.
Brian: So what's the sweet potato pie?
Sarah: Jesus pie.
Brian: Hippie pie!
Sarah: I got the brain! So that was our #1: War Room. I'm glad we agreed. High-five. [Brian and Sarah high-five] I'm sure you'll be seeing Brad and David's Bottom 10 soon enough. I'm gonna bet money that their Bottom 1 is also War Room.
Brian: As soon as I walked in the door, Brad's like, "I bet I can guess your worst one." No.
Brian: I don't know how. I'm just waiting for a year from now when I have to sit here and talk about The Forest again.
Sarah: Was The Forest a Bottom 10?
Brian: It's gonna be. It's the first movie I've seen so far this year, and it's a January horror film, like several of the movies on my list now.
Sarah: I'm not sure what I'll see...I have no idea what I've seen so far this year. No, I saw Sherlock Holmes, which was good.
Sarah: Holmes. Sherlock Holmes.
Brian: Yeah, that's the worst of the year.
Sarah: Join us in 2016, where we'll be watching some more movies.
Brian: Which is now, by the way. It's 2016 now.
Sarah: Ssshhh, you're getting...you're pulling back the curtain. You're showing how the sausage gets made. We filmed this at 11:59 on the 31st of December, 2015, all under one minute.
Brian: Then how have we already seen The Forest and Sherlock Holmes?
Sarah: We're prescient. Screeners.