(We open with Nash going out to check his mail to the tune of Zip A Dee Doo Dah. Once he opens it, he gets a face full of fire. He comes back to his room, face blackened from the fire)
Nash: So... I suppose this means it's viewer submission time again?
(We do our opening intro, then back to Nash's room)
Nash: Hey kids. I'm Nash, and I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. At the end of these videos, I provide you with the means by which to submit stories for use on the show. I should not do this. It is akin to being a masochistic whipping boy of the first order. And the minute I say these words, I realize fanfic will arise depicting me as the gimp from Pulp Fiction. In short, I am dumb, and you are awful. With that in mind, we'll tackle all your latest efforts to make me stroke out and die, but we've reached the point where I usually elaborate on the episode's theme. Since that doesn't apply here, it's time for another Great Moment In Stupid History.
(We come to our animation, Great Moments In Stupid History, with the theme being "The Electric Slide")
Nash (vo): Most of you are familiar with Thomas Edison, the man who is credited with creating the lightbulb. Popular misconception, however, is that Edison is responsible for the technology that gives power to the computers you're using to watch this. But, then again, just as many people seem to think that their dvd tray...is a cup holder. In reality, Edison pioneered what's known as direct current, which we use for many battery powered devices. The power you get from the wall comes from alternating current, advanced by George Westinghouse and Nikola Tesla, among others. This was pretty much the Bluray vs. HD-DVD of it's day, and it was more or less settled in the early 1890s, with a/c winning. But this did not prevent Edison from going full-on Yosemite Sam. For almost a decade afterwards, Edison conducted a PR campaign against a/c power, including lobbying Congress, lying about a/c fatalities, and perhaps the most batshit insane move of all, publicly electrocuting any goddamn thing that would stand still long enough. (Stick Boy is at a lever when a cat falls onto the metal panel next to him) Cats. (Meow. Stick Boy pulls the lever and zaps the kitty) Dogs. (Woof. Stick Boy pulls again to zap the dog) And, last but not least, a fucking elephant! (the elephant falls on Stick Boy and trumpets) I'm not kidding! (old footage is shown of an elephant being electrocuted) The son of a bitch even made a movie about it which, (then the movie gets censored) I'm not gonna show uncensored, because it's one of the most disgusting things comitted to film. And I'm including Southland Tales in that assessment. And even after all that, today, Edison is known as a household name while Tesla is known as... David Bowie.
Nash: Now that we're in the proper frame of mind... God help us if there is such a thing, it's time for our first story. This one comes from Samantha Hein, and she sends us a story about one teen's dream to become a doctor. He just omitted all that pesky medical school stuff.
(The report is titled "Florida Teen Charged With Impersonating Physician's Assistant")
Nash (vo): Oh hey, we're starting off with Florida, who coulda guessed? Seventeen-year old Matthew Scheidt worked at Osceola Regonal Medical Center as a part-time billings clerk. But with a little photoshop and a big pile of bullshit, authorities alleged the teen posed as a physician's assistant, complete with emergency room exams. Bad enough that that's compounded by the fact that the hospital staff didn't catch on for almost a week!
Nash: People, if someone suddenly shows up in the ER out of the blue and claims to be a medical professonal, there's a few procedures to follow: Talk to him, get to know your new coworker, find out who he is as a person. And, most importantly, find out if he actually works there! Do you know what happens when you don't?
(We get a clip from The Dark Knight where Nurse Joker is walking away from the exploding hospital)
Nash: That's right! Just see if Batman bails your dumb ass out! Add to this the fact that he was looking through confidential medical records, and when confronted, claimed to be working undercover for the Sheriff's Department. No, really, he did this. And you might wanna take that $500 you charge me for an asprin and invest in a KEYCARD SYSTEM! And we're not done with Florida yet. User Ryan sent in the next story about a babysitter who took her charge out in a stroller...and then put the stroller in the back of a pickup truck.
(The report is titled "Police: Daytona Beach woman rode baby in stroller in bed of pickup")
Nash (vo): 23-year old Keyona Davis was tasked with looking after someone else's infant. Unfortunately, Super Nanny she is not, as not only did she go out for a drive without a car seat, she didn't bother with a seat seat. Several other drivers on the road called 911, likely to report some variant of "get the hell down here and get this baby away from the crazy lady!" And we got video! (a clip is shown of the pickup truck driving the woman and baby in the stroller in the bed of the truck)
Nash: What the fuck is wrong with you, lady? You know those little chairs they make for kids when they ride in the car? Yeah, they're not just there to look cute. They're not optional! They're kind of a big deal! Here's a scientific demonstration of what happens in an accident if an infant isn't properly secured. (A clip is shown of someone tossing a watermellon off the roof of a building, splattering it on the sidewalk) On top of that, this was someone else's baby. You ever let someone look after your plants while you're away, and your come back home and all the plants are dead? Yeah, it's kinda like that, only except a plant, it's a freaking baby! You can't just pick up a new one down at Home Depot, so be more careful! Next story, Sebastian Riefkohl sent us this one from a bit further north in Georgia. Ever tried to get someone to go out with you, but you just couldn't seem to get them to come around? Well, 24-year old Jason Dean had a novel solution to this dilemma: jewelry! Sort of!
(The report is titled "Man arrested for handcuffing self to co-worker")
Nash (vo): Dean had his eye on a co-worker at Taco Bell, but the unnamed object of his affections just wasn't responding to his advances. But, Dean was a romantic, so he went down and brought her a pair of bracelets...which happened to be nickel plated. Also, they were handcuffs. Ain't love grand?
Nash: Now, I know what it's like to be in love and be rebuffed, but the phrase "no means no"... yeah, that came into the parlance of our times for a reason. And while it might seem like a grand romantic gesture to handcuff yourself to someone until they agree to go out with you, in practice it's kind of--
(Static interrupts, revealing Obscurus Lupa)
Lupa: Nash, shut up!
Lupa: Shut up. He'll hear you!
Lupa: Odd-tay in the Adows-shay.
Lupa: Look, I've had the stereo of my car rigged to play nothing but "Making Love Out of Nothing At All," I've endured more drunk dialing than anyone who has ever dated Charlie Sheen, and I have had live bunnies airdropped onto my house! My front yard looked like the cliffnotes for Watership Down!
Nash: But I was just--
Lupa: No! If you give a new idea, I will find you, and I will tie you to the back of a moving vehicle by your hippie hair! You got it?
Nash: Well yeah, but I've got a show to--
Lupa: (now having a demonic echo) I said have you got that?!
Nash: (quite scared) Yes, ma'am!
Lupa: Damn right. (and her end cuts off)
Nash: Um, well, uh...oh look, another story. Uh, this one's from Tony Salazar, and it's about... argle fargle blargle! And in a minute, you'll see why I couldn't come up with a better segue!
(The report is titled "Tenn. police: W.Va man streaked at NASCAR event, had wild raccoon in his car")
Nash (vo): Meet 27-year old Joshua Greene who looks as confused as you're going to be. At a NASCAR event, Green went walkabout with a big bottle of hooch, and without anything resembling clothing! All well and good, but as he was being arrrested, officers searching his car did not discover pants. They discovered instead, a feral raccoon!
(The Chicken Dance comes on)
Nash: Okay, time to do the math! This (a clip of NASCAR is shown). plus this (a clip of an old show (anyone wanna ID it?) as a streaker runs on stage), plus this (a clip of a raccoon on top of someone's kitchen cabinet eating a cracker), equals... (record scratch) I have no fucking idea! What the hell happened here!? How does one get to this point in their existence? You got a 40 in one hand, your junk in the other, and a rabies machine in the back seat! Most people have to make an effort to create that much weird! Fuck, on Bravo, you get paid for it! But, unless you are pitching a reality show called "Naked, Drunk and Foaming," next time, perhaps you better leave it to the pros! Our final story this week comes from Artemus Cain and comes from Seattle, and it looks like--
(Cut to the report titled "Man In Crotchless Spandex Outfit Sets Fire, Tries To Cook His Own 'Weenie' In City Park")
Nash (vo): --it's a story about a man...who, in crotchless spandex who...tried to...
(Nash is stunned silent, followed by clips of What said by The 10th Doctor, Skeletor, Hurley, Don Draper, Lil Jon, Brett from Pulp Fiction, a Minion from Despicable Me, and the Nostalgia Critic from his review of Sonic the Hedgehog)
Nash (vo): It, ugh, it seems the man set a fire in a broken park fountain, then straddled the flames with nothing between the inferno and his junk, save for a cool morning breeze. But, that's not all. Police report he was thrusting his hips back and forth over the fire, while muttering, quote, "We are having a weenie roast!"
Nash: What in the entire fuck is wrong with you!? Because I can't just write this off as crazy! This took planning! Purchasing supplies, shopping for assless chaps, setting up a fire... this was premeditated batshit! Next time you find yourself with a burning need for a side project, no pun intended, build a bird house. Preferrably without the involvement of your penis! Here we are again. Another episode, another blood clot forming in what's left of my brain! And yet again, I'm left here sitting, wondering...why? Why why why why WHY!? Why, when faced with the choice to stuff meat in one's pants, or to not stuff meat in one's pants, what makes a person opt to gird their loins in steak? If we can put a man on the moon, then surely someone, somewhere has the answer. It's high time I found it.
(Nash gets out of his room as "I've Been Everywhere" plays. First stop on his world tour has Nash go into a bad looking neighborhood and catches a bad smell. he looks around and sees a sign saying "Welcome To New Jersey." He then passes out from the smell. Next stop is Tokyo. He's reading a street map when tentacles sneak up behind him. he looks around and sees the tentacles, eyes go wide, followed by a black box censoring him saying TOO HOT FOR BLIP TV! Next stop is Jerusalem where he's eating a KitKat. He crumbles up the wrapper and gets struck down for it)
(Final stop is Delphi, where Nash has hiked up a mountain)
Nash: Uh, hello? Hello? Anybody here? Looking for an oracle...answering great questions about...stuff. Hello?
Oracle: (her voice has an echo) Fucking what!?
Oracle: I'm not a fucking cricket! Can't an oracle take a nap without some jagoff truthseeker screaming like his nuts are in a vice? I bet you're the guy who keeps pushing the button because he thinks it makes the elevator go faster.
Nash: Hey, wait a second, it's a well known fact that the speed of an elevator is inversely proportional to...waitaminute. You're an oracle, how did you not know I was going to come here and wake you up?
Oracle: Oh, you wanna call me out on my own doorstep, buckwheat? Because I will throw down on your white, pasty ass!
Nash: You're an insubstantial voice in the sky. What are you gonna do? Sing Manilow until I die from awful?
Oracle: Oh, well, I don't know, I could start telling you about when, where and how you're gonna die maybe. Want a hint? It involves a boombox. Want details? It all starts when you tell your--
Nash: Okay okay! Sorry. I'm sorry.
Oracle: I noticed. Fine. I am the all-powerful Oracle of the Mount. See all, know all, yadda yadda yadda. Seek and you will find, blah blah blah. One question only, no purchase required, void where prohibited.
Nash: Let me guess, someone sued you.
Oracle: I'll put it this way, M. Night Shyamalan is a cockgoblin. You gonna ask or not?
Nash: Oh, right, um, given all the ridiculous, horrible things that people do week in and week out, all the things that could be easily avoided, things that could be mitigated with the slightest amount of rational thought, things that could--
Oracle: Skip to the end!
Nash: Why do people do stupid things?
Oracle: Um, because they're stupid.
Oracle: What, you wanted some deep, cosmic truth? Some zen bullshit? Try this: roses are red, violets are blue, people are idiots, the end!
Nash: Yeah, but what about the--
Oracle: Sorry, one question per customer. Next time when asking your once-in-a-lifetime questions, consider your phrasing.
Nash: But I didn't get a--
Oracle: Listen, skippy, I have places to see, people to do. I got a two o'clock with Seth Rogen. He's gonna ask why he sucks so hard and I get to tell him in graphic detail. Really looking forward to it. So get lost.
Nash: Hey, just who do you think you--
Oracle: Disappear, or I will recite to you exactly what your parents said while conceiving you. It starts off with (clearing her throat), "oh big daddy, let me ride your throbbing love hog!"
Nash: Going! Going! I'm...going!
(Nash is now back in his room)
Nash: Dumb oracle! What's she know? "Because they're stupid," what the hell kinda answer is that? (The Safety Dance plays in the background) Guess it's back to the drawing board. I'll just have to keep--(he looks over to see Stick Boy walking in with a boombox playing the song) Will you turn that racket down?! Trying to do a show here! (Stick Boy stops the song and walks off) Asshole. Jesus. Well, anyway, that's all the time we have for this week. Until next time, this is Nash saying if I have to hurt, so does everyone--(Stick Boy throws the boombox at Nash's head) Fuck me! (it goes to black as it crashes, then goes to the credits)
Final quip: No, I'm not dead. Thanks for asking. Really. Very sweet of you.
(One last clip of Nurse Joker as "We are having a weenie roast" is repeated)