(Nash's chair is empty as he comes into the room singing)
Nash: (singing) Cause I steal pets from the popular people, dress pets up like me. I steal pets from the...(looks around, then talks normally) Huh. Has it been awhile? Where'd the time go, huh? (he looks around for the usual gang) Hello? Helloooo? Huh. Wonder where everybody is?
(We cut to Space Guy singing "Stand By Your Man" in a Karaoke Bar)
SG: Sometimes it's hard/To be a woman/Giving all your love/To just one man.
(We now cut to Arlo P. Arlo riding around on a scooter before seeing on the back, it says "BONNAROO OR BUST!" Now we go back to Space Guy)
SG: Cause after all/He's just a man/Stand by your man/Give him two arms to hold to/And something warm to come to/When nights are cold
(Now we cut to Linkara standing next to a light like he's grilling someone)
Linkara: Alright, punk. I have questions. Questions that need answers. (he pushes the light forward) YOU are gonna give them to me! Understand? (turns out he's grilling Stick Boy who's confused by all this) Oh don't you dare give me the silent treatment! I've finally got a person of the two-dimensional variety to hold accountable, and that's exactly what I'm gonna do! (Stick Boy still confused) Now...(pushing the light forward again) Roy Harper is a shmuck, Starfire's character is inconsistent from issue to issue, Jason Todd is headlining a title!? How did this happen!? Talk, you pen-and-paper putz! (Stick Boy looks around, then holds up a sign saying "I NEED TO GO POTTY.")
(Back to Nash)
Nash: Hm. Well, nobody's here and frankly I've been so busy I haven't had any time to research any news stories, so I guess we'll just call it a day. (just as he said that, the YOU'VE GOT MAIL sound plays) Said I'd just call it a day. (the sound plays over and over, his inbox flooding with horrible news stories) Fuck.
(Now we do the usual opening, then back to Nash)
Nash: Hey kids. I'm Nash, and I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. Well, here we are, back again to plumb the depths of human misery and oh, the plumbing you have sent me! In our long gap between episodes, you guys sent me barrels and barrels of human misery. Including one actual barrel of human misery. His name is Dave. He sells cars. Back on point. You guys filled the mailbag so much that there was a lot of overlap, so I'm gonna use the stories that were sent in the most. Now, normally this is the point in the episode where I'd elaborate on the theme, but since we don't have one, it's time for another Great Moment In Stupid History.
(We come to our cartoon, "Great Moments in Stupid History")
Nash (vo): In the 1960s, the United States and the USSR were locked in a bitter rivalry over who would be the first to reach the moon. This was, of course, back in the days when scientists either believed the moon was either a ball of green cheese, or a bizarre man who watched you in your sleep, so the impetus to reach it was considerable. The United States had the impressive Saturn-5, destined to take Apollo to the moon and back. (Stick Boy in a fur cap with the red star as well as a hammer and sickle) The Russians had...bupkis. (the losing horns from the Price is Right play) So, not to be outdone, they set about planning the creation of the N1 Rocket. (Stick Boy has a thought bubble forming that has the rocket come in) But this was the Soviet Union at the height of the Cold War, so corners were cut. An example? Whereas the Saturn-5 used liquid-hydrogen for fuel, the N1 was powered by...kerosene. To put that in perspective, this is akin to fueling a 747 with moonshine. (A tired Stick Boy is tightening a bolt) But perhaps the biggest foul-up happened during the construction. Someone didn't drink their Ovaltinolvitch one morning, because one little bolt was assembled to the frame just a wee bit loosely. (Stick Boy falls asleep) But surely, one little bolt couldn't cause any problems, right? (Video footage of the N1 Rocket launch is shown) Well, when that little bolt gets sucked into a fuel pump and manages to trigger a shutdown of 29 of the rocket's 38 engines, yeah, that might be a problem. (the rocket then crashes and burns back to earth) What's Russian for "Oh fuck, the sky is angry?" The N1 was eventually scrapped, and the guy who neglected his wrenching duties (Stick Boy huddling for warmth, icicles hanging on his body) presumably lived out the remainder of his days in Upper Siberia. (and one of Stick Boy's arms falls off)
Nash: Well, we've played the music, we've lit the lights, now it's time to get things started on the Fuckmuppet Show tonight. And where else do we begin, but Florida? You know, in the digital age, information is really hard to get rid of. You can delete it, derez it, magnetize it, stab it with a sword... Jesus Christ, we're jumping in feet first, aren't we?
(The report is titled "Florida man stabs his computer as police search for kiddie porn")
Nash (vo): 21-year old Kamil Mezalka had a problem: porn. Specifically, a hard drive full of child porn. And when police pulled a Chris Hansen on steroids to deal with him, he tried to destroy the data by...stabbing it. With a sword. Did I mention during his samurai pervert sketch, he was clad in naught but his tightie whities?
Nash: One second. (he puts his fingers to his throat, trying to get the right pitch) Mi mi mi mi, mi mi, mi mi. (voice now echoing) What the fuck is wrong with you!? (normal volume) Sweet monkey Jesus in a bowl of bananas, boy! You got a hard drive full of child porn in one hand, and a sword in the other, and the only thing between you and the world is Fruit of the Loom! That point not even the Hubble Telescope could provide perspective. (a shot of the Hubble telescope with a word bubble saying "Oh, fuck all of that.") But beyond the cavalcade of nasty that is the inside of this guy's skull, I'm drawn back to the central premise of his actions. (he takes out a laptop in one hand and a knife in the other) A hard drive cannot be trepanned. (he sticks the knife into the laptop) You can't pierce it to release the evil spirits. A sharp object is not...(porno sounding music plays as a PG-13ish picture leaks out of his computer) Um, I only read it for the articles. (he looks back and forth between the laptop and the audience) Next story!
(The report is titled "'Suspicious' Passenger Arrested After Paris-to-Charlotte Flight Diverted to Maine")
Nash (vo): I wonder, if I do enough stories about airplane crazy, can I earn bonus miles? Anyway, a flight from Paris to Charlotte, North Carolina was diverted because one of the passengers informed the crew that someone had taken her insides out, and replaced them with pretty, pretty lights. No, I'm serious. The unidentified woman passed a note to the crew stating there was a bomb inside her. But in a twist that only Andy Kaufman could love, the only thing she was full of, was bullshit.
Nash: *sigh* Let's get this out of the way. Play the clip.
(A clip from Total Recall with the head bomb)
Head: Get ready for a surprise! *boom!*
Nash: Happy? Don't care. Look, I understand the need to seek attention. Really, I do. Look at what I'm doing with my life, for christsake. But telling a flight attendant you've got a stomachache this big, and it's got nitroglycerin written all over it... No! No no no! How about karate? Maybe a bowling league? Or how about...(a clip of someone on a unicycle wearing a kilt, playing the Star Wars theme on bagpipes and wearing a Darth Vader helmet is shown) Yeah, still a better plan. Next up, it's over to Chicago. We've seen all manner of criminal ingenuity in our time. Everything from malware to credit card skimmers. But 50-year old Michael Younger did it the old fashioned way: smashing the fuck out of things!
(The report is titled "Cops: Charges filed for man who used Bobcat to break into store")
Nash (vo): Younger got himself a Bobcat. The vehicle, not the animal, but given that it's my show, I can see how you'd think that. And proceeded to drive right the fuck into Family Dollar! (the picture of the Bobcat and wreckage is shown) So what did he make off with? A stack of worthless, yet-to-be-activated gift cards, and...two cans of deodorant?
Nash: What? (quite confused) Guy used a frontloader to steal deodorant. Guy used a... What? Guy used a frontloader to steal deodorant. (he's still quite confused, then gets up. He goes to JesuOtaku's room) Hey!
Nash: Guy used a frontloader to steal deodorant!
Nash: Guy used a frontloader to steal deodorant! (he leaves the room)
JO: (she thinks of it, then turns to the computer) Hey, guy used a frontloader to steal deodorant?
(Turns out she was talking to Tara)
Tara: Guy used a frontloader to steal deodorant?
(Now we come to PushingUpRoses)
Roses: Guy used a frontloader to steal deodorant?
Holly: Las Vegas comptroller used eels for oven mitts?
(Now over to Todd in the Shadows at his computer)
Todd: *gasp* Kyle dated Kurt Loder and still not over it?
(Finally, Oancitizen reading a book called "Kazan on Directing" when he puts it down)
Oan: Oh, well, I, um...uh... Well, you see, it was a while, um... (covering his mouth in shame) Oh my god, how did you know!?
(Nash walks back to his computer, then thinks of it)
Nash: Nope, still stupid. Dude! Rite Guard retails for about two dollars a pop! Next time, before you take a piece of heavy machinery, and run it through the front doors of Family Dollar, save yourself the trouble, and check the cushions of your couch for loose change! If you smell that bad, prison is not going to help the situation! Next up, Fort Worth, Texas. The woman in our story went to Wal-Mart for an oil change, and left with a little something extra. What could it be? Could it beeeee...Satan?
(The report is titled "
Nash: While Jessica's car was being serviced, the technician came back to hand her the bill. And also an itemized description of satanic symbols written on the underside of her car written by a previous technician in blue sealant. The same type Wal-Mart always uses. Wal-Mart: Always low prices. Also Satan.
(The room starts to shake as "Oh you touch my tra-la-la" comes on)
Nash: Oh no. Seek shelter, little ones! It's a douchequake of Biblical proportions!
(The words "Biblical Douchequake" flash along with sirens as clips of movies involving Samson And Delilah, the Ten Commandments, and Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade)
(Test pattern, then Nash comes up)
Nash: Aah! Huh. Wow, we haven't had a douchequake that bad since David snuck a glance at Bathsheba. Look it up. Back to the story. Really? Really? You're gonna leave pseudo-satanic gibberish on the bottom of someone's car during an oil change? At a Wal-Mart? Where the keep records! Of who serviced which car! THIIIIIIIINNNK! Well, time for our final story. So, what's it gonna be, audience? What was the most requested story placed in my inbox? What was the one thing you were absolutely dying to show me?
(The report is titled "Naked Mom Ate Ice Cream, Ditched Kids After Car Crash." Nash is stunned quite silent)
Nash: Please, excuse me a sec.
(The A-Team theme plays as Nash goes to his garage, gets a hammer and automatic screwdriver, hammering nails and screwing screws to boards. He then spraypaints a wall board blue. He steps back to look at his creation, a wall. He then bangs his head on the wall quite a bit before coming back to his room)
(Back to the report)
Nash (vo): I know you're looking for some hidden twist here, but what you see here is what you get. And, boy, did people see a lot! After 34-year old Stephanie Dillard crashed her car into a bus, she left her three children behind at the scene, strolled over to the CVS, and enjoyed a frozen treat. Naked. Like you do.
Nash: Did she have head injuries? Uh-uh. Stroke? Nope! But according to the arresting officers, what she did have was a mean right hook! I suppose my rallying cry here of "what the fuck is wrong with you" is not so much for Miss Dillard, as it is for the human brain. See, what this demonstrates is that with just the right factors, just the right nudge, just the right stressor...well my friend, you may find yourself with your own 31 flavors. And then some. And, speaking of stress, fucking ow! Migraine. Again, the stress of this show, and these stories, is intolerable! Can't keep this up! (Stick Boy comes into the room) Hey, Stick Boy, you do on this as much as I do. How do you deal with the stress?
(Stick Boy gets mad and walks over to a doll with Nash's face taped to it, points at it, then bashes it in with a bat until he's breathing heavily)
Nash: Yeah, I don't think that method's gonna work for me. (Stick Boy facepalms) I just need to get all of this stuff externalized. Get it out of my head somehow.
(The Duck Hunt theme play along with the words "Three hours and a soldering iron later." Nash has a headband on, goggles, holding a game controller and a USB cable)
Nash: Okie dokie. If I've done everything properly, I just have to hook up this USB cable, and... up up down down left right left right b a select and start. (a flash comes from the headband) I've done it! I've downloaded my stress into a computer algorythm. But what to do with it?
(Nash gets an idea about it. He's outside with a controller to a rocket. He pushes the button that makes the rocket launch off into space going "fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck." Space Guy is on his ship reading "The Zombie Survival Guide" when he hears the Fuckrocket passing his ship and off into outer space. Space Guy ponders it, shrugs, then goes back to his book. Nash is in his room, quite relieved)
Nash: Wow. That, that is so much better. All the tension, all those soul twisting stories is just...gone. I feel free. Like I'm never gonna know stress again. (just as he said that, his inbox fills right the hell up again, bringing him right back down) This is Nash saying if I have to hurt, so does everyone else.
(Two million years later, a couple aliens are talking on a distant planet when the Fuckrocket crashes onto the planet with one last FUUUUCK. The aliens start saying fuck before one strangles the other, then we go to the credits with Me First and the Gimme Gimmes' version of "Rocket Man")
Final quip: Yes, I built a wall. Did YOU build a wall? Because I did. So there.
(We get an outtake of the rocket on a green screen falling off, then Nash going to pick it up)
JO (offscreen): Let's just use that first take.