(The Disneycember logo is shown, before showing trailer clips and screenshots from Thor: The Dark World)
Doug (vo): So, like most people, I wanted to see a Thor movie that took place in his home turf. No "fish out of water" stuff, no trying to blend in with any funny lines, just Thor being Thor. But after watching Thor: The Dark World, I might find myself going back on that remark. I know I'm kind of an outsider on this, but...I'm sorry. I did not see this as a very good film. It just kinda felt like in-between pointless exposition on a character that really could be a lot of fun to explore, in an environment that could be a lot of fun to explore. And when we do finally explore it, it's just kind of...dull-looking. (The landscape of Svartalfheim is shown) Really? This is the Dark World? The Dark World is fucking boring! (The villain of the movie, Malekith, is shown) Really? This is our bad guy who's going to replace Loki? (One of the film's side characters, Darcy Lewis, is shown next) Really? We have this dumbass comic relief again?! Okay, let...let me start from the beginning.
Doug (vo): Some evil jerk who looks like a reject from the new Star Trek movies (A picture of Eric Bana as Captain Nero from Star Trek (2009) is shown briefly) is trying to capture the Infinity Stones. What are the Infinity Stones? Oh, God. I don't want to explain. Just...powerful things. That's all you need to know. And it's up to Thor to stop him from getting the stone and, of course, conquering Earth.
Doug (vo): Natalie Portman is once again roped in, and sadly, she gets way too much screen time, more than actually his other warrior friends have, which is really not fair. I like these warrior friends, I think we need more of them, but instead, not only do we get a ton of Natalie Portman, but Kat Dennings. Good fucking God! Do I hate Kat Dennings in this movie! I didn't like her in the first one, but at least Thor was onscreen. We could see them sort of interact, and if she said something stupid, whatever. Thor's there, and he's charming and cool. Here, every time she's onscreen, she's either alone or with her scientist friends, and she is so beyond annoying. (A poster of Star Wars: A New Hope is shown) It's like, remember in Star Wars where the comedy kind of came from the interaction off of people like the way Luke Skywalker worked off of Han Solo and he worked off of Chewie and Chewie worked off of C-3PO and stuff? It was the interaction. (Back to stills of Darcy) This is the Jar Jar Binks of the Star Wars movies. All the comedy is just put into one person, and just like Binks, she's not funny. Hell, the film opens up with a scientist running around nude. Yeah, they create some sort of bullshit explanation for it, but it's entirely pointless! You don't need it! The comedy is beyond desperate in this. Every line that is trying to be funny, unless it's said from Loki, is painful, beyond painful!
(We are shown stills and clips of Asgard)
Doug (vo): But that's not the only bad thing about it. Remember how grand and huge the worlds looked in the first Thor? Here, they look...nice, at least the palace. But aside from that, it's just kind of typical fantasy stuff that you'd see anywhere. Again, look at this Dark World. The movie is named after this, and it is so incredibly not interesting! There's a major character who dies in this movie. I remember thinking to myself, "God, I should be a lot more invested in this." And I guess I felt bad seeing Thor's reaction to it, but I personally didn't miss the character that much, 'cause they just didn't make that person that interesting. Nobody is that interesting in this movie. The villain? What a yawn. The scheme? Seen it a million times.
(Many stills and scenes showing Thor and Loki together are shown)
Doug (vo): The only thing that's kind of enjoyable is when Thor has to team up with Loki again. This is as great as it sounds. You like seeing these two together, you like seeing them work off each other. But, what do they do? Halfway through the movie, they get rid of that idea. And they don't even really start that until the end of the first third, so that's one third of the movie. Hell, less than one third. If this was the prime focus, maybe it would've been a lot more fun. But, nope. We got to make room for Natalie Portman and Kat Dennings saying all their stupid, unfunny stuff that nobody wants to see. The movie gives you no time to really settle down and feel like you can get attached to these characters, which is so weird, because there was a whole movie dedicated to them that did so well at doing that. Everybody talks like they just kind of want to get the story going, nobody really relates to each other...again, with the exception of Loki. But that's in the movie so little, it can't really save it.
(Stills of the movie's final battle are shown)
Doug (vo): I guess the only other thing that's kind of enjoyable is that the climax does have some creative ideas. It's this device that's kind of like a portal gun and that you can go through a hole and come out another area and it can zap you in all sorts of different places and, yeah, they do some cool things with it.
Final thought Edit
Doug (vo): But again, did I really care if Thor stopped this guy? Did I really care if he succeeded in his quest? I didn't give a shit. As dumb a setup as the first film was, at least I cared for those people, at least I wanted to see Thor get back home. I don't know. This isn't the worst movie, by any means, but it's the time that I felt we could really see Thor being Thor, going out into the fields or traveling through the stars or going the other worlds, just swinging that hammer, doing the cool stuff. Once again, I could see those operatic landscapes really taken advantage of. But instead of feeling like a really grand, big comic book, it just kind of feels like a very dull, standard comic book. But like I said, I know I'm in a minority and a lot of people really like this film. I don't get it, and there's certainly nothing in it that's straight-up offensive, again, outside of maybe Kat Dennings and...weird naked scientists running around for no reason...but in my opinion, I'd rather save my money for Avengers 2.
(A scene showing Thor confronting a large army led by a huge troll is shown)