To Boldly Flee: Part 1
August 23rd, 2012
Our movie begins in space. We see a satellite orbiting over a nearby planet as it forms the new Channel Awesome logo. We then fade to black as we hear dialogue from Suburban Knights.
Ma-Ti: (weakly) Team out of danger?
The accompanying scene then begins to slowly zoom into the screen in a blue tint.
Ma-Ti: Don’t grieve, Critic. It is logical. The needs of the many outweigh…
NC: …the needs of the few.
Ma-Ti: Shut up, I’m talking.
NC: Oh, sorry.
Ma-Ti: I never had much use for that stupid ring until now. What do you think of my solution?
Cut to Luke and Film Brain, looking distraught, Luke shaking his head.
Ma-Ti: I have been, and always shall be, your friend. (Ma-Ti’s hand comes up to smack NC in the face) The power is yours. (Ma-Ti’s hand falls, dragging NC’s glasses off his face with it and catching on NC’s lip. Ma-Ti’s head falls to the ground)
NC: (seeing that Ma-Ti has died) No… (He turns away, heartbroken. We dissolve to another scene where, at the end of his line, the image is now full-screen) Of all the souls I’ve ever met on my travels, his was the most...hearty.
The honor guard draws their weapons. NC picks up the oatmeal canister. Handsome Tom throws it into the sky. The reviewers watch the sky as the sun sets, and we end the Suburban Knights footage. Ma-Ti’s canister is floating in space as it passes Jupiter. Suddenly, an explosion occurs. The opening credits roll showing a mysterious circular anomaly and clips of the Channel Awesome reviewers and villains floating in space. Appropriate space-themed epic music accompanies. Title sequence fades to black.
We cut to a parking lot near a stream with a satellite in the background. We see PawDugan crouched on the hood of his car with a laptop by his side. Suddenly, a pounding sound is heard. Paw lifts up his head and opens his eyes as he continues to listen to the sound from the satellite. He then checks his laptop to see an image of Earth and some graphs, shuts it, hops in his car, and races out of the parking lot.
We then see the anomaly in space before cutting to the Nostalgia Critic waking up in his bedroom looking shocked. He briefly looks around before he begins to dress himself in his normal attire and head to his filming room. His voice-over begins:
NC (vo): Critic’s Log. Star Date: Umm... Thursday. It’s been one year since our battle with Malachite. We won, and yet I feel a certain unease. The death of Ma-Ti left a hole in my heart that can’t be filled. The critics have returned to their jobs, and, for them, life goes on. But for me, the house feels empty, like my 26-year old freeloading Indian child has just left for college never to return. (He looks at a portrait of Ma-Ti, a still where he's screaming from the Battlefield Earth review) It’s a feeling I’m not used to. (He then dials his phone)
Film Brain: Hello?
NC: Hey, Film Brain.
FB: Nostalgia Critic! How wonderful to hear your voice! (worried) What have I done wrong?
FB: Well, it’s just that whenever you contact one of your reviewers, it’s either to criticize them or fire them. PLEASE DON’T FIRE ME, MR. CRITIC!
NC: No. No. No. It’s not that. I just… I just need somebody to talk to.
FB: Oh, well, anything in particular?
NC: I don’t know. It’s just… You ever wonder what it means to be forgotten? To be cast aside?
FB: Well, now that you mention it…
NC: I didn’t think so. It’s just... (sighs) Ma-Ti, you know. I’d never thought I’d end up missing him.
FB: You’re probably feeling guilty.
NC: Nah, that’s not it.
NC: I feel… powerless. It’s like everything I do has a negative impact on somebody. I... (long pause) I just wish there was a way I could fix it.
FB: How? You dumped his ashes into an oatmeal can and then launched him into space.
NC: Yeah, that was a weird request in his will.
FB: Which you wrote.
NC: He would’ve have wanted it that way.
FB: After his death.
NC: As I had to.
FB: In his blood.
NC: Well, if you had a pen...
FB: Critic, you have to come to terms with the fact that Ma-Ti is part of that complete breakfast in the sky now.
NC: (sighs) Look, I can see I’m bothering you. Just go back to making reviews.
FB: Of course, and if you ever need someone to talk to again-
Critic hangs up and looks at the portrait again when the doorbell rings. He answers it to see a man in a suit.
Man: (played by Jim Jarosz) Nostalgia Critic?
Man: You’re under house-arrest.
NC: What? Under what charges?
Cut to a courtroom.
Terl: Terrorism! Murder! And a complete disrespect for absolutely brilliant filmmaking. These are the crimes by the internet personality “Nostalgia Critic,” and I will not rest until he faces the cool hand of JUSTICE!
Judge (played by Barney Walker): …Who are you?
Terl: I am Terl. Last survivor of the once proud and mighty Psyclo empire, and I am here to prove the Nostalgia Critic is a renegade and terrorist. Roll the footage. (Cut to footage of the Battlefield Earth review, as well as Kickassia and Suburban Knights, all dubbed as 'File Footage)
Terl (vo): Not only is he responsible for the destruction of my home planet, but he also invaded a micro-nation, stole valuable goods, and besmirched my cinematic masterpiece, Battlefield Earth.
Terl: I demand the execution of the Nostalgia Critic! I demand justice!
Judge: Mr. Hurl…
Judge:…Whatever. From what I understand, your movie got 2% on Rotten Tomaters.
Terl: I demand justice! These internet reviewers clearly have too much power.
Judge: It’s a moot point, anyway. The Judiciary Committee has already voted. When they pass the SUCKA Bill…
Terl: SUCKA Bill?
Judge: Stop the Unstoppable Copyright Killers Act, reviewers like the Nostalgia Critic won’t even be in business anymore.
Terl: Then the Critic goes unpunished?
Judge: The Nostalgia Critic will be charged with 17 hundred and 64 violations of the FCC regulations.
Terl: FCC REGULATIONS?!? That’s outrageous! (Stands up and points at the judge) Remember this well, stupid humans: There will be no peace between our planets as long as the Nostalgia Critic lives! I vow that I will fol…
He is then suddenly interrupted by a random ad. Announcer: (voice of Brentalfloss) This vow has been brought to you by Energoda. It’s not an energy drink. It’s not a soda. It’s Energoda.
At this point, we see the proceedings on a TV set being watched by a mustached man.
Terl: Wait. Did you just place a commercial over my dramatic speech?
Judge: Cut backs. Governments sometimes get extra money for advertisements. (He smiles as the phrase “Eat at Mega-Pizza” appears below him; a bell dings as well)
Terl: Well, how many times is that going to hap…
Announcer: This question is brought to you by Energy Chips. They’re not energy. They’re not chips. Actually, yes, they are.
The mustache man turns off the TV.
Cut back to mustache man, known as Lame R. Prick (played by Jim Troken), talking with a man in glasses (played by Orlando Belisle).
Lame R. Prick: This is an abomination. These critics are consummate snowball artists.
Glasses man: (in a nerdy voice with a slight lisp) Yes, sir.
Prick: People think they’re watching reviews, so they tune into these bozos who put on scatalogical rants filled with pop cultural references.
Glasses: Sssome people might think you’re overreacting. Some are asking if there’s a need for SUCKA. I mean, I know you’re their sponsor and all; but a lot of people don’t see Internet critics as a threat.
Prick: These charlatans are threatening freedom and making it harder to protect our corporate oligarchies. Smurfs 2 may have to be canceled.
Prick: And what about the Alvin and the Chipmunks movies? There could be no more squeak-quels.
Glasses: With all due respect. I think audiences' disinterest…
Prick: Inconceivable! Chipmunks eating poo is the epitome of high art!
Glasses: You paid someone to write that?
Prick: I wrote it myself! Find this Terl fellow immediately. He may be of some use to us. Now to draft some Internet policy. (Prick starts tapping his computer screen; he has no clue what he's doing) Oh, I can’t turn it on. Someone call the IT guy. (Picks up the phone as the glasses guy looks on) I know. I can’t turn it on. No, really. I don’t know where the 'on' button is. Really. Really.
Cut to Paw’s room as he rushes to his laptop.
Paw: (putting on a headset) Emergency mee-Emergency meeting, guys. Emergency meeting. Somebody wake up Joe. (Cut to a drowsy Angry Joe) This is an emergency meeting of the Space Research Committee. Roll call.
CR!: CR, present.
That Sci-Fi Guy: (yawns) That Sci-Fi Guy, present.
Paw: Angry Joe?
Joe: (still drowsy) Ready to kill you.
Paw: Then let this meeting commence. Astro Semper Fidelis!
Joe: Yeah, uh, what they said.
Paw: OK. Since we started the Space Research Committee, we have had one goal on our minds.
Joe: To get rich.
Paw: No, to boldly find what no man has ever found before.
Joe: And get rich off it.
Paw: And for all the time we spent night after night, what have we encountered?
SFG: A shitload of rocks.
Joe: Then there was that thing you thought was a UFO...
CR: But that was a rock.
Paw: Well, take a listen at what I heard today.
He plays the pulsing sound as everyone intently listens.
SFG: OK, I am running a scan.
Joe: I’ll see if I can use my satellite to get a lock on it.
SFG: Uh, all preliminary scans check. This is legit.
CR: Listen to the pulses on that thing.
Paw: The gravitational pull on that thing has to be stupendous.
SFG: Whatever it is, it’s gigantic.
Joe: OK. Tracking complete. Source point is confirmed as… Jupiter.
Joe: Yeah, and, uh, is it me or does it look like it’s getting bigger?
Paw looks puzzled as we cut back to the Critic’s house. NC checks outside for someone, then checks his ankle bracelet. He takes a deep breath and tries to leave his house but gets shocked in the process.
NC: Doh! Stupid bracelet! (He then shuts the door as his phone rings) Hello?
Terl: (in his spaceship and shot at a slanted angle; sound familiar?) Greetings, you pathetic pile of man-animal!
Terl: Oh, you may have evaded intergalactic law, Rat-Brain, but you’ve not evaded me.
NC: Mom, have you been drinking again?
Terl: It’s Terl!
Terl: Terl! You did a review of my movie. You blew up my planet. You practically destroyed my entire species.
Terl: Terl, your arch-nemesis! T-U-Double R-Double L. You know what that spells?
NC: Oh, you’re the dick you got me under house arrest! I have to wear this stupid-ass bracelet because of you.
Terl: It's the least you deserve, Rat-Brain!
NC: Where are you calling from, anyway?
Terl (vo): (we see an exterior shot of his ship floating through space) My ship, of course. Not quite as cozy as your home, (back inside the ship) but it will suffice until I see your day in court.
NC: And when's that?
Terl: Uh, last I looked... 20 years.
NC: What the fuck? Why so long?
Terl: Apparently, they didn't think the case was very important.
NC: Or they thought YOU weren't very important. Did they even believe you were an alien? You look like Coolio trick-or-treating as Jack Sparrow.
Terl: Oh, so that's how it is. Well, I will make you pay for destroying my life. Consider this my vow.
Critic suddenly hears a thump downstairs.
Terl (vo): I will not rest until your body is in ashes. Oh, there's no place high or low. I've marked every by-way and path you know! I will climb every mountain, ford every stream, follow every rainbow!
NC: (Starting to head downstairs) Hey, listen, can you legally do anything to me?
Critic hangs up. Ominous music plays as he walks downstairs but he sees nothing. He starts to head back upstairs when suddenly...
The Critic turns around to find a shadowy figure sitting in his chair. He slowly approaches the figure and grabs him, revealing a possessed-looking Spoony.
NC: Spoony! What are you doing here? Have you lost your mind?
Spoony: (sounding a bit like Ma-Ti throughout this scene) Help me, Critic! Take me home!
NC: Spoony. Spoony, we are home. My home. Get out.
Spoony: Then there's still time. Search for my body. Find the hole.
NC: OK, there is no way I am reaching for your hole.
Spoony: The hole. It's coming!
NC: Please say no more about your coming hole.
Spoony: (putting his hand on Critic's head as Ma-Ti did before) Remember. Remember.
NC: I think you need a doctor. (Spoony falls on him, his hand still on NC's face as they both lay on the floor) Ah. Now I need a doctor.
Cut to Linkara reading a comic on his couch.
Linkara: I just don't know, Paw. You want to take my spaceship to go investigate some beeps in space?
Paw: It's not just beeps in space! The government's trying to cover it up! I tried calling NASA about this, but they treated me like I was crazy.
Linkara: What'd you tell them?
Paw: That I'm an internet reviewer who needs a spaceship.
Linkara: Sounds sane to me.
Paw: Oh, come on! You're the only reviewer I know who has a spaceship. Where'd you get that thing anyway?
Linkara: Oh, it's explained in my videos. ...You have watched my videos, right Paw?
Paw: ...Course I do...
Linkara: Then tell me, what's Mechakara?
Paw: ...Jambi's magic words?
Linkara: It's my psychotic robot double! How does my theme song go?
Paw: Um... "I met you on a Thursday..."
Linkara: What do I review, Paw?!
Linkara: Goodbye, Paw. (Hangs up)
Paw goes back to work, trying to find out more about that mysterious sound. Back in Minnesota, Linkara then sees a news report on TV.
Reporter (v/o by Holly Christine Brown): And in other news, police are baffled by a string of shootings in the Minneapolis area. The targets are all white males in their 20s who work online from home and have ties to the comic book industry.
Linkara: Huh! Glad that doesn't affect me any. (There is a knock at the door) Coming! (at his front door) Lamps. Who is it?
Robot voice: Special delivery.
Linkara: I didn't order anything.
Robot voice: ...Candygram.
Linkara: Must be from another admiring fan. Well, buck up.
(We see the front of the door with Post-It saying "RENT DUE! -Management")
Linkara: Yes I'm... (As he opens the door, he finally notices who it is) gonna go get him. (He tries to leave, but Mechakara's hand blocks Linkara from shutting the door)
Cut to Spoony being examined by Dr. C. Tease (Elisa Hansen) and Dr. C. Block (Antonella "Nella" Inserra)
NC: Yeah, the doctor's looking at him now. We don't know what's wrong with him. Oh, hold on, I got a call on the other line, Sage. Hello?
Linkara (vo): (lasers shooting in the background) Critic!
Linkara (vo): Critic! Help! He's gonna kill me!
NC: Look, Linkara. I need to go. The doctors need to talk.
Linkara (vo): Critic, NO! (NC hangs up as the doctors begin to discuss their findings)
Dr. Tease: Well, from all outward appearances, Spoony seems to be completely normal.
Dr. Block: Yes. "Normal."
Tease: All except for his saxophone-shaped penis.
Tease: But we all know about that.
NC: We did?
Block: Of course.
Tease: The problem seems to be inside his head.
NC: Which head?
Tease: His brain.
Block: Not his penis.
Tease: No, but thanks for offering.
Block: We shall have to examine Spoony's head.
NC: His brain?
Tease: No, his penis, but we should do that too. Make a note of that.
Block: I think we'll find that Spoony is suffering from an acute case of CCFCP.
NC: Which is?
Tease: Coo-Coo For Cocoa Puffs.
Block: It's a technical term. You can find it in the DSM-4 right next to Fruity As A Nutcake.
Tease: And when abbreviated, it has the exact same number of letters as the word "penis."
Tease: Maybe later. Don't worry. (The doctors lift up Spoony from his chair, placing each of his arms around their necks) We'll take good care of Spoony. Especially his head.
NC: You mean penis.
(Tease slaps him)
Block: Pervert! (The doctors leave to take Spoony to their examination room)
NC: (out loud to himself) Why do I talk to people?
Cut to Terl's ship
Henchman: Sir, direct call from... you-know-who.
Terl: (obviously concerned) Send it to my office.
We see a brief shot of Terl's ship before cutting to Terl inside a dark metallic room. He kneels down before a hologram of an Emperor Palpatine-esque character played by Rob Walker.
Terl: What is thy bidding, Executor?
Executor: There is a great disturbance in the hole.
Terl: ...Have you tried Preparation H?
Executor: Not that hole. (Points up) It.
Terl: Oh, that.
Executor: Yes. I sense a great disturbance in the Spoony One. The hole's reach is strong in him. He must not be allowed to turn.
Terl: He's just a critic.
Executor: In our line of work, critics are a dangerous thing.
Terl: But if he could be turned?
Executor: Then he could be a valuable ally.
Terl: Yes, and with the Critic under house arrest, there'd be no one to stop us.
Executor: Then so be it. Everything must go according to plan. The hole must remain anonymous. Soon there will be a new order. Without a critic to stop us, the Internet will be ours, and then we shall have ... peeaacccce.
Terl: Soon the Critics will be crushed, and the Spoony One will be one of us!
Executor: Wait, that's totally my line.
Executor: We're doing Jedi now, right? You totally stepped over my line.
Terl: Oh, I'm sorry! I thought you were doing Sith!
Executor: No, we're doing both. See, you're doing Vader. I'm doing the Emperor. Sorta of a catch-all.
Terl: Oh, I get it now. Maybe we could start over and...
Executor: You know, I think that ship has sailed. Just forget about it. Find Spoony.
Terl: It'll be difficult. I'm not exactly sure where he is. Hold on, I've got Hologram Waiting.
Executor: You will not put me on hold-
(The hologram switches to Lame R. Prick)
Prick: Hello. My name is Prick. Lame R. Prick, and I hear you're having a problem with... critics.
Terl: Yeah. So?
Prick: I think we can come to an arrangement that has both our interests in mind.
Cut to Linkara being thrown to the floor with a finger trap on.
Mechakara: Don't worry, you pathetic organic vermin. (He holds up Malachite's Hand) Once the secret power behind this is deciphered, (we see Mechakara standing) all of your petty meat-bag troubles will be over with. Nobody will even know you're gone. (He shuts the door, leaving Linkara, who faints on the floor)
The anomaly continues to grow as an image of Gort the Robot appears.
Robot: IT'S CALLING YOU...
The Critic wakes up in his bed shocked again.
NC: Who? Who's calling me?
He lies down then looks to his side to find The Last Angry Geek wearing a Jedi robe lying next to him.
LAG: (in a British accent a la Sir Alec Guinness) I think you know.
The Critic screams three times and gets out of bed.
NC: Last Angry Geek! What are you doing here? How'd you get inside my house? Didn't you try to kill me last year?
LAG: This is about Ma-Ti. Your front door was unlocked. And yes, I would've gotten away with it too if it hadn't been for you pesky kids.
NC: Well, why are you here to talk now?
LAG: All in good time, Critic. First, there is urgent business I must take care of. (They both intensely stare at each other. Cut to Critic looking pissed off in his room as we hear a toilet flush. We see LAG come out of the bathroom) I apologize for any horrors you may face in there, Critic. Taco Bell is a harsh mistress.
NC: Well, thank you for the lovely gift. Can you go now?
LAG: No, there is something important that we must discuss.
NC: Tft. Yeah. Ma-Ti, right? What do you have to say about him?
LAG: Why, Critic? Why did you leave Ma-Ti in that oatmeal can?
NC: We all thought he was dead. We cremated him. That usually does the trick.
LAG: Only his body was dead. Critic. His character survived.
NC: His what?
LAG: His character. That part of him that lives on in his role. Darrin from Bewitched. Becky from Roseanne. Doctor Who. James Bond. Clarice. Dumbledore. Different bodies, but the character survives. As he survives... (points at NC) in you.
NC: (after a long pause) What the hell are you talking about?
LAG: Share your thoughts with me. Critic. A Nerd Meld: our minds as one.
NC: You want to go inside my mind?
NC: ...Do I have to?
LAG: (quickly) YES!
NC: Okay, okay. (LAG reaches for him when Critic grabs his arm) Just, if there's any naked images of Orlando Bloom in there, just know I thought he was a girl.
LAG: We all did, Critic... We all did.
NC: All right. All right.
LAG places his fingers on the Critic's head. He melds with the Critic as we see Ma-Ti's death again.
LAG: He spoke of your friendship. The needs of the many... outweigh...
NC: ...the needs of the few.
LAG: Shut up, I'm talking.
NC: (annoyed) Sorry!
LAG: (continuing to meld; after a while, he concludes:) There's nothing in there.
NC: Oh, come on. That's a little harsh.
LAG: No, I mean, there's nothing of Ma-Ti in there. I apologize, Critic. I did not know. He never melded with you. (starts to walk away) And thus, everything he is or ever was... is lost.
NC: (thinks for a moment, then goes after LAG, saying this off-screen) Wait. Maybe not.
Cut to a house exterior as we move into space.
SFG (vo): You know, guys, this could be the greatest discovery of our time. Something this massive and powerful could change everything.
CR (vo): Hey, uh, you don't think this thing could be related to Spoony, do you?
Paw (vo): I don't know, but until we do, we may want to keep this thing under wraps. You never know who might be listening.
SFG (vo): Oh, come on. Nobody's listening to a bunch of geeks, and besides, I got all the equipment to study this thing.
A giant laser looking contraption starts warming up.
SFG (vo): If something goes wrong, we'll still have everything documented. God strike me down if I'm wrong!
The laser shoots down towards Earth and blows up that house - Sci-Fi Guy's house.
Paw: (getting concerned) Sc-Sci-Fi-Guy! Sci-Fi... What happened? Joe, satellite feed.
Joe: (looking at his terminal) ...Dude, you are not going to believe this: His house just wiped out. It came from wherever that signal came from. (looks at his camera) I think he's dead.
Paw: (in a dramatic manner) No. No. No. (looks up to the sky and shakes his fist) SCI-FI... (is quickly interrupted; his demeanor changes on a dime) Oh, hang on. Hang on. I got another call. (he's happy and smiling) Hey hey hey, Mom. Hey, hey, everything's good. I'm kinda in the middle of something, Mom. Can you give me a call back? Ok. L-Love you. Bye Bye. (blows a kiss; he then quickly reverts back to his original demeanor, looking up again) ...GUY!!!
Cut to "security footage" in blue tint of Ma-Ti at the final battle from Suburban Knights as he approaches Gandalf Spoony. The Critic and Last Angry Geek watch from NC's computer bay.
Spoony: Just where do you think you're going, Ma-Ti?
Ma-Ti: I'm here to help the Critic!
Spoony: It's far too dangerous...
Ma-Ti: (Vulcan pinches him) I have no time to explain, Spoony. (Holds his hand to Spoony's head and whispers into his ring:) Remember.
NC: Spoony. Of course! Spoony has his character.
LAG: One dead, one flown over the cuckoo's nest. Both lost. I do not like this, Critic. Something's amiss.
NC: Amiss? What do you mean something's amiss? Everything's finally starting to add up.
LAG: Where did you get that battle footage? Who filmed it? Why is so well edited? When did Ma-Ti find the time to do this? There's no continuity. Things are starting to unravel, Critic. I sense a disturbance in The Plot.
NC: The what?
LAG: The Plot. Think of it as an unseen hand writing our every move. It guides us, surrounds us, directs us, gives our story arcs purpose. I've been studying The Plot for some time now, hence the smelly robe.
NC: Yeah. (waves his hand in front of his face) I was going to ask about that.
LAG: In a perfect world, The Plot should flow, but now... I have to go.
NC: Again? God, how many chimichangas did you eat?
LAG: (annoyed) No, I mean, I must leave! I'm sorry.
NC: Leave? But why, we're finally starting to solve the problem here.
LAG: No, Critic. They're only beginning. (Turns around to reveal he's wearing a Hawaiian shirt) I sense a great evil. I must confront it alone, but if I should fail - (in his normal voice) and given how I'm dressed, that seems more than likely - (back in his accent) it will fall to you and your friends to defeat it in a suitably heroic fashion. Find Spoony. Listen to everything he has to say. All hope now lies with him.
NC: (quickly looks away for a half-second) But I can't with the...
He turns around to see LAG's not there anymore.
LAG: (Pops up from below, speaking normal again) No, just kidding, I'm still here.
NC: Oh! (chuckes) That's good.
LAG: See ya. (he leaves)
NC sees the footage again and ponders.
Cut to Spoony being examined by Dr. Tease and Dr. Block as Dr. Tease hooks up wires to his head.
Tease: Now, I don't want you to be alarmed, Spoony. This is just a device to monitor your conscience. Whatever you think will appear on the screen.
Block: Oh, and just so you feel comfortable, we invited a few of your friends.
Cinema Snob, Luke Mochrie, and Bennett the Sage enter. They all say their lines at the same time.
Snob: Hey, sexy.
Luke: Hey! You're looking good. How are ya doin'?
Sage: Hey, how's it going, man?
Spoony: Cinema Snob. Sage. Luke. What are you doing here?
Luke: Oh, uh, Cinema Snob is taking me under his wing. He's teaching me how to be a, um, (reads his notes) "pompous, slimy, cynical know-it-all", just like a real critic.
Snob: And you've chosen a very good teacher.
Block: OK, here's how it works-
Luke: That read was flat and unconvincing!
Snob: Nicely done.
Luke: Thank you.
Block: (confused) ...Here's how it works. You subjects will ask Spoony a series of questions so that his subconscious will answer them here. (motions to the computer screen they have)
Tease: We'll begin with some rudimentary questions. Gentlemen, proceed.
Sage: OK. (Holds up a card) Um, Spoony, what are you thinking about right now?
Computer Screen: Friday by Rebbecca* Black._
(*Yes, Rebecca is spelled wrong. This is how it shows up in the movie.)
Spoony: Wait a minute, I never said that!!
Tease: But your mind did!
Block: Isn't science embarrassing?
Spoony: My mind did not say that.
Computer: Yes, It did._
Spoony: No, it didn't!
Computer: Yes, It did._
Spoony: No, it didn't!!
Computer: You're still thinking about it._
Spoony: Well, now I am because the damn machine put the song in my head!
Snob: All right. All right. Now, let's get real. Spoony, how often do you listen to Rebecca Black?
Computer. 12 Times a Day._
Luke: Why do you like her so much?
Spoony: I don't!
Computer: She reminds me of my long lost sister._
Sage: Wait a minute. You had a sister?
Sage: And she reminded you of Rebecca Black?
Spoony: (getting frustrated) This isn't happening!!
Snob: Spoony. Were you sexually attracted to your sister?
Spoony: What the fuck kind of question is...
Tease: (writing down notes) This is gold!
Spoony: (agitated) Can we change the subject, please?
Sage: All right. All right. All right. All right. ...Spoony, what do you really think of Highlander 2?
Computer: Wasn't that bad._
Snob: Mazes and Monsters?
Computer: Tom Hanks is dreamy._
Luke: The last 4 Final Fantasy games?
Computer: Guilty pleasures._
Luke: Wow. You are such a phony!
Spoony: (angry) Moving on, please!!
Block: Uh, the machine works. Get to the real questions.
Snob: Hmm. (To Luke) Remind me to ask him if he's a transvestite.
Spoony: DAMN IT!
Snob: I love this thing.
Cut to Critic's front door where someone holding lingerie and other kinky clothes - S&M outfit, perhaps? - knocks. The Critic opens the door. We see it's...
Nostalgia Chick: Hello! What part of Rocky Horror Picture Show crossover review did you not understand?
NC: Uh. Come on in, Nostalgia Chick. It's a long story. (she enters but briefly stops when NC points at those clothes) You're gonna wear those, right?
NC sighs as they both go into the house. Cut to NC walking downstairs with a cup of coffee.
NC: Yeah, I always knew I'd pay for my crimes against humanity. I just thought it would be someone from humanity, you know. I mean, I really... (Sees the Chick at his computer) Who are talking to?
NChick: No one.
Todd in the Shadows: (On the other end) I swear to God, if you call again, I will get a restraining order-
Chick shuts him off.
NC: (Sighs) Really? You're still after that Todd in the Shadows guy?
NChick: I don't know. (almost becomes infatuated, thinking of Todd) There's just something about a guy in a mask whose clearly hiding some deep emotional damage. Sexy, you know?
NC: (sits down in his recliner) Oh, you mean, like the mystery about why he has the hots for Obscurus Lupa?
NChick: Uh. That Bozo the Cow? What does that 10-dollar box-dying hair tard have that- I mean, he has the hots for her?
NC: (after giving Chick a puzzling look, he sets down his coffee) What really concerns me is this whole Spoony/Ma-Ti thing. That and these weird dreams I've been having.
NChick: Oh, you're concerned about your dreams now?
NC: Yeah, I know it sounds stupid but at the same time, a lot of weird, stupid stuff has been happening, it's kinda hard not to notice. The especially weird thing is that every time I get one of these dreams ... I feel like it's calling me someplace.
NChick: Calling you...
NC: I know. I know it sounds crazy. It's totally insane, but every single time I get one of these dreams, I feel like it's calling me to someplace important, someplace where I belong, someplace ... where I can make a difference. (grows really concerned as Chick looks on) I don't know what's going on, but... I just want to find out what's calling me.
NChick: (goes over to NC and kneels next to him) Critic. Do you think that maybe you could ... find the energy in you so you could ... give me Lupa's phone number so we could prank call her?
NC: (after a few seconds) Yeah, I could use the entertainment. (Chick is happy as they both go to prank Lupa)
Cut to Spoony's interrogation.
Block: Spoony. I want you to try and remember what happened when you entered the Critic's house.
Spoony: Well, I, um...
The lights start flickering, and the computer starts becoming static-y.
Tease: Increase span width to his brain! Get us back in sync.
Block: That's what I'm doing!
Spoony: What's going on?
Tease: It's all right, Spoony. Everything's fine! (To Dr. Block) Everything's not fine. (To Sage) Ask him the questions from Set B.
Sage: (holding up the cards) OK, um... What is your name?
Everyone looks confused.
Tease: Keep asking!
Sage: After the fight with the Gauntlet, you left Arizona. Where did you go?
Spoony: What do you mean? I never left.
Computer: Orbiting the Planet Jupiter._
Snob: Why were you at the Critic's house that night?
Computer: Phone Home._
Sage: Phone Home?
Snob: Spoony, where do you think we are right now?
Spoony: What? In this room.
Computer: The Jovian Moon of Europa._
Cut to Obscurus Lupa as we hear the Chick's voice before cutting to her.
NChick: (Southern accent) And so, as the head of the FAA, we would like for you to stop dying your head that horrible red so our pilots will no longer be blinded by your hellishly slutty colors.
Lupa: Ooh. Thank you, Mrs. Secretary, and so long as we're talking about air space, you might want to put Nostalgia Chick on your maps. Her obviously padded bra is much too large. And if an Argentinian soccer team crashes under her breasts and are forced to eat themselves...
NChick: (hangs up) Damn, she's good. (Critic curiously checks out her bra then looks away) Hey, what's that?
She sees the black computer with only the phrase "Hello.".
NC: Did you push anything?
Sage: How did you get to Europa?
Spoony: What are you talking about??
Computer: Through the hole._
Snob: The hole?
Critic and Chick
NC: (Typing, not speaking) Hello?
Computer: Is this the Critic?
NC: That depends. Who is this?
NC (both he and Chick look disbelieving) Ma-Ti, huh? Back from the dead?
Computer: Ask Spoony, He'd Remember. (Critic and Chick look concerned) Why did you abandon me, Critic?
NC: Turn this off.
NChick: (presses a button) I can't.
NChick: (starts frantically hitting many buttons) I can't. It won't let me!
Computer: Why did you leave me to die?
Block: Of course, wormhole theory! It's the only way he could travel.
Tease: It's the only logical explanation.
Sage: But how does that work?
The computer starts showing mathematical equations.
Luke: What's going on?
Block: He's... showing us...
The Critic's computer says "Remember," which then repeats itself on the screen.
NC: See if this is happening on your computer.
NChick: Yeah. (Heads upstairs)
Back to the doctor's office, as the equations become more complicated.
Snob: Looks like Stephen Hawking's grocery list.
Tease: Who knows what's in this guy's head?
Block: It could take eight Will Huntings to decipher this hole.
Spoony: (becoming worried) I don't think I like this...
The Chick goes to her laptop computer to find the same equations and Remember screen.
Block: Spoony, where is the hole?
Black out. The pulsing sound from the "hole" starts pounding again. Spoony now looks possessed as star charts start showing up on the computer.
Snob: What's he doing?
Tease: He's searching through star charts.
Block: Our computers don't have this information!
Spoony starts shaking. Meanwhile, the Critic stares angrily at the "Remember" screen then tries to turn off the computer. He can't. He then tries to unplugs it but struggles doing so. Eventually, he pulls the plug out of the socket and sighs relief, tilting his head back while sitting down, but the images keep popping up, much to his dismay. He stands in fear. Spoony continues to shake vigorously as the computer zooms in on the "hole." The others in that room being to fear for Spoony's safety. Chick returns downstairs.
NChick: It's on all of the compu... ters... (notices the computer screen)
They back away slowly from the computer as the Critic starts to hide behind Chick. Snob tries to restrain Spoony as the computer comes closer to the hole's location.
Tease: Spoony, is this the hole? (She points to the screen as the anomaly from before comes on screen and grows bigger)
Both computers explode. Spoony has now passed out. NC and Chick come back up from ducking out of the way of the explosion.
NC: (pointing at Chick) That was definitely meant for you.
NChick: (looks back at NC, giving an exasperated sigh) Uh!
To Be Continued...