To Boldly Flee: Part 3
August 29th, 2012
The screen is black as we see flash cuts of a diagram of some contraption in blue before we cut to moving through the stars. The Gort Robot suddenly appears in a dream-like state.
Robot: SEE THE DREAM. BUILD THE DREAM.
Cut to CR in Engineering who appears to have been daydreaming. Startled, he turns around to see Film Brain and Lupa working. Nostalgia Chick walks by them, suddenly bumping into Lupa.
NChick: (bored sounding) Sorry, whore!
CR leaves after a few seconds, still unsure of what's happened to him, and we cut to him at a desk sketching out the "dream" device. A sleepy JesuOtaku enters.
JO: Oh. Oh, hey!
CR: Oh, hey, JO. What are you doing up here?
JO: Um, I was looking to get some more pens. Uh, what are you doing up here?
CR: I-I don't know. I just had this oddly specific daydream. I had to get it all down on paper. It was almost like a voice was...
JO: (interrupting him) ...talking to you?
CR: (chuckling) Yeah, and it was giving me blueprints on building...
JO: ...building a machine.
NOTE: this next bit is done with quick editing.
CR: (concerned) ...But...
JO: ... ...of...
JO: ...Does your half look like my half?
She hands him a sketch of half the machine that she's been holding onto for some reason. He puts his half together with hers, and they fit perfectly.
CR: You had the same dream.
CR: How can we both have the same dream?
They both look deeply concerned as they look back at their drawing. Cut to a static transition to Paw on video, entitled Pawavision - yes, this IS the Panavision camera logo, just SLIGHTLY changed.
Paw: Hey, everybody. Paw here. I figure as long as we're going to the outskirts of the universe to fight evil that might possibly destroy all of humanity, I might as well make a V-Log about it. Anyway, like I said, my name is Paw, the most logical member here (points to his Vulcan ears), and, uh, we found the Nostalgia Critic, who's still trying to get his ankle bracelet off.
He zooms in on NC sitting in a chair with Phelous holding his leg in one hand and a saw in the other. JewWario and Film Brain watch.
NC: All right. Are you sure this isn't going to hurt?
Phelous: Oh, of course not.
NC: 'Cause it looks like it's gonna hurt!
Phelous: Oh, no. It'll be like ripping off a band-aid...with a saw.
NC flinches as Phelous is about to cut until...
JewWario: Wait a second. I think I have a better idea.
Video footage cuts to NC's ankle bracelet being teleported off with the beaming device.
NC: Hmm. Nice.
Phelous: (dejected) Ah, I can still cut your foot off, right?
CR: Huh. That was easy enough. But I can't quite tell where it went to...
Film Brain groans as the camera moves on him. He farts out the ankle bracelet, which disgusts both him and JewWario.
Paw: (To JewWario) Hey, uh, that was pretty good thinking.
JewWario: Oh, well, thank you very much! I've been learning all sorts of sci-fi details. Well, you know, I figured that since I'm the ship's navigator, I'd learn from the expert.
Paw: Buzz Aldrin?
JewWario: No- (Pulls out a book) The "Tao Ta Kei." (the book is subtitled: The Only Way To Be Takei) Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm on Chapter 3: "Loving Your Joystick." (He opens and finds something intriguing, like it's a Playboy centerfold. Phelous and Film Brain look on, both bug-eyed. J-Dub says with his best George Takei impression:) Oh my!
Static transition to Snob and Luke.
Paw: Well, as you can see, Cinema Snob has been teaching Luke the ways of the Z-Grade movie reviewer.
Snob: Yes. You see, Luke, there's one secret to making any low-budget film tolerable.
Luke: Clever writing?
Snob: Tits! Take this for instance. This is a little project I've been working on. (Snob shows Luke a book filled with... well, let's let Luke describe it:)
Luke: Oh, those look like zombies ...dressed in Confederate uniforms ... fighting women in bikinis.
Snob: It's a period piece. I need a little something to fall back on once reviewing... takes its course.
Luke: (concerned) What do you mean?
As Snob is about to explain, Mechakara walks by them both, muttering to himself.
Paw: Oh, hey, hey, hey. It's everyone's favorite comic book reviewer. (Mechakara slowly turns to Paw's camera) Oh, come on, Linkara. Say something crazy, like this is all like a really bad comic book.
Mechakara: Death is only a shadow of what awaits you. (he walks away)
Paw: Ha ha. Always a funny guy.
Static transition to CR and JO on a bed working on the "dream" device, or "plot device" as dubbed by a fan. CR is also wearing a Geordi LaForge-like visor on his eyes.
Paw: And here's CR and JesuOtaku! (they do a quick wave) Hey, what are you guys working on?
JO: Uh, well, we both had the same dream like someone was telling us to build something, so we decided to... literally start building it.
Paw: Really? You both had the same dream?
CR: (he lifts up the visor, but he's still wearing his glasses underneath) Um, yeah. It was mostly just visions of blueprints and, uh, some sort of low-incoherent voice.
JO: Uh, yeah. It was like being stuck in shop class with William Hurt.
Paw: So, uh, what will this thing do? (reaches for the machine)
CR: (swats Paw's hand away) Well, we don't know. We think it's supposed to either read or manipulate brain waves, but, as you see, we're still putting it together.
JO: Yeah, uh, it's kinda funny 'cause I'm not really good with all this technical...
There is a suddenly burst as the camera shakes. Paw puts the camera back on JO, who is now dressed as Radical Edward from Cowboy Bebop.
Paw: JO? You OK?
JO: (hyperactive) Edward is fine, thank you!
Mambo music starts playing; this is pretty familiar music, but I don't know the exact song title. HELP!
JO: Why are we just focusing on one project when we can be working on several? I'm gonna make an engine that not only works on water but also replicates it into 32 different flavors!
CR: JO? Are you OK?
JO: (taking CR's visor and zaps it a few times with her... whatever it is she normally carries with her; imitating said device:) Peew! Peew! Peew! (she then the visor back to CR)
CR: (putting the visor back on) Holy smokes! I can see so much better with these. It's like I can see right through the wall that- (is a bit taken aback) 8-Bit Mickey's watching My Little Pony?
Mickey: (offscreen from the next room) And damn proud I am!
JO: Oh, cold fusion. (as she zaps another machine part four times) You are easy, peasy, lemon-squeezie. Ha ha ha ha!
CR incredulously looks at her. Cut to Terl's ship floating in space.
Zod: (vo) The critics are quite adept. (cut to inside the ship as Zod looks around at the screen in front of him; Terl is behind him) Their homeowner strategy obviously puts them at quite a distinct advantage. Yes! We must fight fire with fire! (he turns around to address Terl) Terl, order your men to transform this vessel into a house!
Terl: A what?
Zod: A house. A fortress of solitude mighty enough to make the son of Jor-El cream his tights.
Terl: But why?
Zod: The critics got it right. They must make their work their home and their home their work. Transform this place at once.
Terl: But that would take hundreds of hours and manpower we don't have.
Zod: Nonsense. It can be accomplished with a simple George Lucas-style wipe. Observe!
The scene does a "Lucas-style" circle wipe into the duo in their new living room/ship, as they look around.
Terl: Wow! That was amazing!
Terl: I especially like the plant in the corner. (They look left as we cut to the houseplant in question)
Zod: (v/o) Yes. It really ties the room together.
Terl: But we still aren't any closer to catching the critics!
Zod: I am working on a plan even as we speak.
Terl: Ha ha ha. Well, while you were busy working on your plan, I've already set mine into motion.
Zod: Oh, and what plan is this, Chia-Head?
Terl: Well, General Crud, while you were off playing Martha Stewart, I've been busy inserting a traitor into the Critic's ranks.
Zod: Traitor? You used your brain. (Terl smiles boastingly) And just who is this traitor?
Terl: Oh, I won't tell you who the traitor is or when he'll attack, but he's close. REAL CLOSE! The Critic will DIE before these eyes and he'll know, HE'LL KNOW that it is I, General Ferdinand Von Terl, who encompasses his doom!! Ha ha ha ha ha! (Zod holds in a chuckle) Ha ha ha ha ha! (cut back to Terl; after a long pause...) What's so funny?
Zod: Ferdinand? Your name is Ferdinand?
Terl: Yes! It's a proud name. One that commands respect.
Zod: (laughing) Maybe in a flower shop.
Terl: Shut up!
Zod: (girly voice) "Oh, could you help me with my bouquet, Ferdinand?"
Terl: Shut up!
Zod: (girly voice) "Oh, everyone, could you please flee? Flee in terror from the terrifying Ferdinand!" (starts to crack up)
Terl: (pissed off, he leaves the room) I HATE THIS TEAM-UP!
Zod: (reaching for his smart phone) Oh, I am totally tweeting that!
Cut to the Exit Strategy moving through space before we cut inside to the ship's bridge. Everyone is asleep on the floor with the Critic sleeping in his command chair. He adjusts himself and hits the right arm rest.
Computer: Oxygen disabled. (Critic adjusts himself again and hits the left arm rest) Oxygen enabled. (and again, the right side) Oxygen disabled. (...and again, after a pause, the left side) Oxygen enabled.
Cut to Todd sleeping next to Lupa. He sits up to talk to her.
Todd: Uh, OK, Lupa. (she opens her eyes and looks ahead, not back at Todd yet) I think it's time I tell you something I've been keeping a secret for a while: I'm madly in love with you.
Lupa: (sarcastically) NO!
Todd: Yeah, I know. I know I've hidden it well, but I think it's time I let you know how I feel.
Lupa: Well, that's good.
Todd: So, um, will you go on a date with me?
Lupa: Well, you know, Todd, that's kind of a tough question to think about.
Todd: Well, if you need time to think about-
Todd: ...Well, that was quick.
Lupa: (she sits up and looks at him face-to-mask) Look. I'm sorry, Todd. I-I just wouldn't feel right seeing someone who hides his face.
Lupa: It's just... well, you know, it's hard to feel secure with someone who's insecure about himself. You know what I mean?
Todd: (obviously feeling broken-hearted) Yeah, I guess so. Sorry I woke you.
Lupa: Really, I'm sorry-
Todd: Good night, Lupa.
He lies back down, as does she. As he tries to settle in, NChick suddenly lies down next to Todd.
NChick: I, on the other hand, totally respect your need to hide your poor broken soul.
NChick: You just need someone to help you lower your defenses. (she starts caressing his hoodie) Someone to understand you. Someone who loves a project. Mystery is sexy- (she grabs the hoodie as if she wants a kiss) Oh, God! Let me fix you.
Todd: (holding her back) Look. I'm flattered. Maybe even a little creeped out, but it's just a phase.
NChick: A phase?
Todd: You don't really like me. You just wanna know what I look like.
NChick: You know what? I will prove to you that I love you more than any woman ever has or ever will, or, by God, I will kill in the process!
She gets up and leaves. 8-Bit Mickey suddenly lies down next to Todd.
Mickey: Look, Zorro. Can you take your love triangle outside?
Todd: Outside is a cold, heartless vacuum.
Mickey: Yeah, and so is Lupa. (they both head back to sleep)
NChick moves past NC, who lets his arm fall on a panel.
Computer: Now deploying all food rations.
We pan down to Snob and Luke next to each other.
Luke: Hey, Snob.
Luke: I was thinking about what you told Paw. You know, about the future. You really think our time is at its end?
Snob: The world is changing, kid. The internet is changing. Even if we survive this witch hunt, we can't chase the Zeitgeist forever.
Luke: Yeah, I guess. But we're critics, right? I mean, the world always needs critics
Snob: People say that, but, in the end, they'll go see whatever stupid crap that gets put out. Look at Michael Bay.
Luke: Sure, he's got his millions. Big deal. We've got something better.
Snob: What's that?
Luke: A family. (Snob gives him a strange look) A very dysfunctional family, but ... look at it this way. There are thousands of people all around the world united by a few ethernet cables, a keyboard, and a hatred for Michael Bay. That's a beautiful thing.
Snob: I suppose. He is a douchebag.
Luke: Snob. Promise me something.
Snob: (looks over at Luke) Yeah?
Luke: Don't let it end. Not like this. We have a right to bitch and moan like anyone else.
Snob: True, true. I'll tell you what: you get my back, and I'll get yours. (extends out his hand).
Luke (shakes his hand) Deal.
JewWario: (leering at them) Oh, that is so Takei. (Goes back to reading that book again)
We cut to another spacecraft flying through hyperspace. It is being piloted by the Gort Robot. He sees his computer say: "Target Acquired. Destination: Europa" Hmm...
Cut to NChick at her computer. Film Brain enters, groggily.
FB: Hey, Nostalgia Chick- Are you chewing coffee?
NChick: (she does indeed have a cup of grounds on the table and a spoonful in her hand; she looks back at FB) Hmm? Oh, um, (looks back at her laptop) I was just up all night writing a very heart-felt emotional email to, um, Todd.
FB: (looks a bit taken aback) It's over 3 gigabytes!
NChick: Yeah, I'm having a really hard time sending it over this crappy internet connection.
JO: (popping up, still as Edward) That's because Linkara was using the bandwidth all night long, hogging it like a bee! (she skips around, snorting like a pig) Oink. Oink. Oink. Oink. Oink. (she leaves)
NChick: We'll see about that. (she pushes Film Brain aside as she heads to the Internet room. Cut to the outside where she pounds on the door) Hey, Linkara! Stop hogging all the bandwidth! Some of us have things to obsess over...
She sees an extension cord coming from the door. She enters in the room and finds it going under the bed. As she stands on one side of the bed, Mechakara pops up on the other side. He's talking on an intercom, holding Malachite's hand.
Mechakara: All right. I have it here. Now tell me the secret of its power.
Terl: (vo, on the other end) Not yet. Lay low for now, and when the time is right, STRIKE! And then the galaxy will know the fearsome name of Ferdinand Von Terl!
NChick: (quietly) Ferdinand?
Mechakara spots her saying this. She does a quick wave and runs for the door, but he closes the door and block her way. He holds up a drill as she looks terrified. Cut to outside the room again.
Film Brain: (knocking on the door) Nostalgia Chick. Linkara. You know there's a meeting downstairs and... (There are mechanical sounds and NChick screaming as the lights flicker. FB looks disgusted) I'm gonna leave you two alone. (and he does)
Cut to everyone in the basement: Snob and Luke continue gawking over Snob's 'period piece', Paw is bopping away on his headphones, Edward Otaku is still acting giddy, ...and the Critic is growing bored.
NC: What the hell is taking them so long?
A shocked-looking Film Brain enters and stands next to SadPanda.
SadPanda: Film Brain. You look like you heard two people having sex.
FB: How would you know?
SadPanda: I'm French. We know.
NC: (to FB) Well, are they coming?
FB: Well, that's a loaded question.
FB: Oh, nothing. They're getting busy- KEEPING busy with heterosexual- EXTRACURRICULAR ass-tivities- ACTIVITIES!
NC: (looks over weirdly) Whatever. I'm just making sure we all know what the plan is before we start going in.
Mickey: Yeah, get to Europa, save Spoony, see what's up the hole, then have a sexy dance party.
NC: I don't recall a sexy dance party.
Mickey: Are you saying we don't need a sexy dance party?
NC: Well, I didn't say that, but...
NChick: (offscreen with a now mechanized voice) Apologies. (Everyone looks over to the stairwell. We zoom in to see her now dressed as Seven of Nine from Star Trek Voyager; Mechakara is with her) We were distracted.
NC: It's about time. Where were you?
Mechakara: Counting the approximately four hundred and twenty five point six two billion stars that comprise this galaxy.
Lupa looks suspicious.
NChick: And using that number to estimate the travel time to Jupiter.
Joe: (to Sage) Dude, they were so doin' it. (Sage nods)
NC: Fine. Lupa, fill them in. The rest of you, back to your posts.
JO: Look, everybody! I built a thermal detonator!
Sage: Oh, goody! Let's play!
JO: Go long, Bennett! (she goes to throw the device to Sage)
There is a small explosion off-screen as Lupa approaches NChick.
Lupa: All right, uh, Nostalgia Chick, we need to...
NChick: The carbon unit known as Nostalgia Chick is now void. I am Seven of Eleven.
Lupa: (long pause) Okay... All right, the plan is that we approach...
She and Mechakara leave. Lupa looks on, as J-Dub enters.
JewWario: Everything OK?
Lupa: Does something seem strange about those two?
JewWario: Pfft. It's just the after-glow. Just bask in their shimmering hormones. Mmmm....
Cut to Terl's house ship.
Henchman: General. The Critic's ship is about to reach Europa.
Terl: Excellent! Set a course for-
Zod: (quickly interrupting) Set a course for the Jovian Moon.
Terl: What are you doing?
Zod: My ship, my rules.
Terl: It was my ship before you turned it into Better Homes and Gardens.
Zod: Go to Yellow Alert.
Terl: No. That's too soft. Go to Magenta Alert.
Zod: There's no such thing as Magenta Alert!
Terl: Yes, there is. It's a like an Orange Alert, but not quite a Red Alert.
Zod: Is there an alert for an annoying anus who won't shut the hell up?
Terl: Yes, it's called a Your Face Alert!
Zod smacks him; then Terl twists Zod's nipples, which prompts Terl to scream before they start bitch-slapping each other.
Terl: Ow! Watch the neck beard. (cut to the henchmen looking embarrassed) Stop it! Not so rough!
The Exit Strategy approaches Jupiter, with the appropriately placed piece "The Planets - Jupiter" by Gustav Holst playing.
NC: (looking at his ship's screen with Sage leaning in) There it is. Planet Jupiter. And behind it: Europa.
Marzgurl: (she leans in) Actually, that's Europa, and Jupiter is behind IT. ...You did go to school, right?
Mickey: Uh, Captain. I'm picking up life signs all over the planet.
NC: But that's impossible. Europa is an icy moon with an iron core. It always has been since its discovery by Galileo in 1610. (Turns to Marzgurl to flick his thumb behind his teeth to boast)
Mickey: Well, that's what the scanner says.
Paw: Wicked fascinating!
Mickey: I've also located the base where they're most likely holding Spoony.
Sage: Captain. As ship's counselor, I must warn you: I'm sensing hostility from that moon.
NC: OK. First of all, just because you hung out for more than two seconds with those scientists on Earth doesn't make you ship's counselor. Second, being ship's counselor doesn't give you psychic powers like Counselor Troi.
Sage: Don't doubt my powers! I'm sensing cynicism.
NC: All right. If you're so psychic, why don't you go down to the moon and locate Spoony with your "psychic" powers?
Sage: (suddenly worried) I'm sensing that's a bad idea.
NC: Get down there, Dionne Warwick. You too, SadPanda. You said you're a doctor of some sort.
SadPanda: Actually, I just said I watch Doctor Who a lot.
NC: It'll have to do. (Standing up) I, of course, will lead the away team with...
Phelous: (comes over, getting angry - when is he not?) Oh, no, you don't, Critic! Not this time!
NC: What do you mean?
Phelous: I'm sick of playing second banana to you!
NC: You wanna do what to my banana?
Phelous: Kickassia. The quest for the gauntlet. I'm sick of it! This time, I'm in charge.
Paw: (coming over and putting his hand on Phelous' shoulder) Uh, buddy. I don't think that's such a good idea...
Phelous: Why not?
Paw: Well, look at what you're wearing. (Phelous is wearing his usual red polo shirt)
Phelous: Yeah, so?
Paw: Well, it's just... the guys in the red shirts, they tend... to be...
Phelous: To be Captain, yeah!
Paw: Well, maybe in Next Gen, but in the old series-
Phelous: Oh, SHUT UP, Wesley! Now, as Lord Commander High Crown Captain, I'm demoting you all to petty officers. Any problem with that?
NC: (after a long pause, he scoffs) It's your funeral, Captain Canuck.
Phelous: All right, now I'm in charge. Panda, Sage, you're with me. (he walks off to, I assume, Engineering to be teleported; Sage and Panda follow)
Paw: Did that fucker just call me Wesley?
Cut to the aliens' control center.
Henchman: Sir, the critic reports have just reached Europa.
We pull back to see Zod pushing Terl's face into the couch.
Zod: Excellent! Go to Red Alert!
Zod: Shut it!
Cut to the basement where Spoony's box is located. Phelous, Sage, and SadPanda teleport in. Sage is doing a Charlie's Angels pose, Phelous holds up his fists, and Panda, now dressed as the 11th Doctor, is covering his head.
Phelous: All right, as your newly elected supreme squad commander, I say we split up. Now this may take a few hours...
Sage: Hey, uh, Phelous? (Whistles to motion to the box behind them)
Phelous: Huh. That works.
They shake the box, and Spoony falls out.
Sage: (putting his hand over Spoony's arm) I'm sensing very little life in him.
SadPanda: Stand back. I am apparently a doctor. (checks his pulse while touching Spoony's shoulder) He's dead.
Spoony twitches; the other three react.
Sage: I thought you said he was dead!
SadPanda: He's dead to me. As are you.
Sage: (sad) Oh...
Cut back to the Exit Strategy.
NC: Phelous, SadPanda, Sage: Come in.
Paw: Sir, we've lost contact.
NC: Ah, great.
Back to the basement.
Sage: Spoony. Spoony. Just relax. You've had shipping and handling sickness.
Spoony: (still a bit distraught) I can't see.
Sage: It's probably because your eyes are closed. (which they are)
Spoony: (opening his eyes) Oh, hey!
Sage: Are you OK?
Spoony: I don't know. My mind's been feeling really crowded lately.
Sage: You have Ma-Ti's character inside your brain.
Spoony: That red-blooded son-of-a-bitch! It's his revenge for all those impressions I did of him. (as Ma-Ti) Those were terrible impressions. (as himself) Shut up! (as Ma-Ti) You shut up! (as himself) Shut up!
Sage looks at SadPanda, confused. Panda shrugs. Back to the Exit Strategy.
Mickey: Captain, incoming ship. Apparently, it's another house.
NC: What? On screen.
We see the exterior of another house floating in space. It's Zod and Terl in their mansion.
To Be Continued.