To Boldly Flee: Part 4
September 1st, 2012
Back on the Exit Strategy.
NC: Paw, report!
Paw: Uh, three-bedroom, two-door garage, siding could use a little work...
NC: I mean who's on it?
Paw: Oh, um, yeah, um... (checking his scanner again)
Cut to Terl.
Henchman: Sir, the Critic's ship is requesting contact.
Terl: Let them eat static.
Back on the Exit Strategy.
Paw: Sir, all I'm getting is static.
NC: Go to Spoiler Alert!
(The siren for Spoiler Alert goes off. It also says "Plug Ears. Close Eyes")
Snob: Should I arm the photon red shells? (to Luke) It is so cool we have that.
NC: Not yet.
On the villians' ship.
Terl's henchman: They still haven't raised their shields, sir.
Terl: Of course. We are one big happy home-owners association. Ah, Critic, my old friend. Have you not heard the PsyClown proverb that says that revenge is a dish best served luke-warm with a side of mashed potatoes and that gravy that gets a little skin on top that gets stuck in your teeth? (Zod looks confused) Well, it's very luke-warm with a side of mashed potatoes and that gravy that gets a little skin on top that gets stuck in your teeth... (whispering) in spaaaaace! (Zod still looks confused) Oh, bite me. It's fun.
Cut to the basement, when Phelous and SadPanda put Spoony's arms on their shoulders as the guys prepare to leave.
Phelous: All right, let's get you out of here.
They stop to see three of Terl's henchmen are holding guns. The other three look at Sage.
Sage: (remembering) Oh, um. I'm sensing impending danger.
Panda smacks his head. Back on the Exit Strategy, Mechakara looks at NChick/Seven of Eleven as she inconspicuously places her hand on a device. On the villians' vessel...
Zod: Are you sure this is going to work?
Terl: You give these critics too much credit. They're not smart. They're just a pile of pop-culture referencing peons. Watch this.
On the Exit Strategy.
Paw: Sir, incoming transmission from the mystery house. They say they're fellow critics.
NC: What? From where?
Paw: From ... the Food Network?
Cut to Terl and Zod. Zod is pressing his eyes, facepalming as Terl speaks.
Terl: (with girly voice) Hello! This is Rachael Ray. Yummo! We were, um, out of sugar, and we were hoping we could borrow a cup of yours.
8-Bit Mickey: What are you doing in space?
Terl: (vo) Uh, it's a special crossover with, um... ...Oprah!
Terl motions to Zod to play along. Zod is hesitant.
Zod: (woman voice) Um, that's right, girlfriend. You win a car!
Marzgurl: (To NC) If we give them the sugar, we'll have to lower our shields.
Terl: (vo) Oh, come on. Lend us a cup, and I'll show you how to make a chocolate tart in 30 minutes.
JewWario: Ooh! That does sound good.
Paw: Scanning. Their sucrose levels are normal.
Mickey: I don't buy it.
Zod: (vo) Oh, just give us the sugar, you little shit, or I'll disembowel your goddamn guts and chew on it like a Soylent Snickers bar in Hannibal Lector's candy factory!
Paw: Well, that does sound like Oprah!
Mickey: Yeah, we better do what she says.
NC: All right. Put some sugar in the laser banks and fire it over.
Marzgurl: (clenched teeth) But then our lasers will be useless!
NC: (to Marzgurl) You want to mess with the queen of daytime talk? (back straight ahead) Lower our shields.
Lupa continues to stare suspiciously at NChick. As NChick turns some dials on a device, Lupa motions to Joe.
Lupa: Does that look suspicious to you?
Joe: Hmm. (Looks at Mechakara) Oh, no, he always wears that brown hat. (Lupa can't believe what she's heard)
Terl's henchman: Sir, they're lowering their shields.
Terl: Raise ours.
Mickey: Their shields are raising!
NC: That bitch! Fire red shell torpedoes.
Snob: I can't!
Snob: The torpedoes are down!
Snob: You turned them into PIXIE STICKS!
NC: Raise shields!
Marzgurl: Too late.
Their mansion fires lasers at the Exit Strategy, which carves into the outside panels. Everyone shakes around. Film Brain screams. JO is gleeful.
Terl: Ah, ha ha! Stupid humans!
Mickey: Weapons offline! (quickly looks at his panel, then back to NC) Shields are down! (and again) And we lost Dish Network!
Mickey: I know, I really wanted to see Game of Thrones, too.
NC: Cinema Snob, can we fire back?
Snob: Um, according to this red light that means "no", um... no.
CR: (vo) This is CR. I'm not available right now because the engines exploded. Please leave a message at the blood-curdling scream. (screams)
NC: JewWario, you're the navigator! Do something!
JewWario: Well, if there's anything Nintendo has taught me, it's ... "Do a Barrel Roll!"
He does so with everyone screaming. Once they stop rolling, NC points at J-Dub.
NC: Don't do that again! Report!
Mickey: I'm nauseous, Captain. (collapses on the floor)
Paw: Sir. The enemy wishes to discuss the terms of our surrender.
Everyone looks concerned.
NC: (hesitantly) Onscreen. (Zod appears on screen; NC gets up from his chair and walks to the front of his screen) Zod!
Terl: (offscreen) No, no, no! (pushes Zod aside as he enters the picture) I told you before. This is my show. My show! (Zod is not amused throughout this whole scene)
Terl: So, Critic! You remember me. I can't help but feel touched.
Terl: TERL!!! OH MY GOD!!! I JUST TALKED TO YOU A FEW DAYS AGO!!!
NC: Curl, what is the meaning of this attack?
Terl: Ha. Methinks the lady doth digest too much! Ha ha!
Zod: That's "protest," you moron! Your Shakespeare is terrible.
Terl: Shut it, Spandex!
NC: (sighs) What do you want?
Zod: We wish for you to beam aboard this vessel and face the wrath of Zod. (Terl bumps him) And Terl.
Terl: But mostly Terl!
NC: And if I refuse?
Terl: Then you can say goodbye to one of your friends down below.
NC: Ha, like they'd be stupid enough to...
Sage: (vo) Critic, uh. we (as soon as he speaks, NC grimaces; cut to Sage and the others) kinda sorta got ourselves captured. But don't worry, I'll use my psychic abilities to control them. (puts his hand out; one of the henchmen hits it with his gun) Ah!
NC: Listen, Wurl! You can't be serious.
Terl: Oh, but I am. And just to show you just how serious my intentions are, I will now kill one of the hostages.
NC: Wait. Don't you want to haggle?
Terl: Guard. Kill one of them. I don't care which.
In the basement, one guard draws a knife. The other three back away from Phelous.
Phelous: (sarcastic) Uh, yeah. I feel the love in this room! (the guard repeatedly stabs him with the others watching in horror the whole time as blood starts flying everywhere) Oh, ah! Ah! Ah! (as the guard starts to get up, Phelous coughs) Oh, why would you do that? (the guard returns and stabs him some more with him groaning and choking more) Oh, that hurts so MUCH! (the guard can't believe it, so more stabbing) Oh, COME ON- (the guard looks relieved) Oh, that wasn't so bad- Ow! Oh, I think I'll be all right, though. (even MORE stabbing as the others are now annoyed) Yeah. I'm dead. Go away. ...I shouldn't have said that, should I? (and STILL more of the same)
NC: Sage! SadPanda! Phelous! What's going on?
SadPanda: Sir, Phelous is... (another stab) thankfully dead.
NC backs away in horror and falls in front of his chair.
NC: You Psyclone bastard. You killed my flunky! Oh, you Psyclown bastards! You killed my flunky!
Phelous then stands next to NC on the ship.
Phelous: You were saying? (NC stands up)
NC: Phelous? What are you doin' here?
Phelous: I'm a red shirt: every time one dies, another one always comes back.
NC: Huh! That explains a lot actually.
Terl: There are other hostages, Critic! Some not so easy to resurrect. Do you want them to die, too?
NC: All right. All right. Just give me a minute to inform my crew.
Terl: I give you 60 seconds for you and your valiant crew.
Zod: Yeah, that's a minute!
Terl: "Yeah, that's a minute!" That's what you sound like, you know. (to NC) But never you mind! For whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the dings and vowels against the Wheel of Fortune or to take arms against...
NC: Yeah, cut off his audio.
Terl: ...Jeopardy- (He is put on mute)
Mickey: Well, you heard the man. Get over there, buddy.
NC: (Snob and Marzgurl grab him) Hey, hey, hey. (he shakes them off) We're not doing that!
Mickey: Well, what are we doing?
NC: Paw, what do we know about these guys?
Paw: Well, according to the Junior Woodchucks Guide to Astronomics, they are highly specialized.
Paw: Well, logically, no one knows how to do anything except their own job.
Snob: So, their tactical weapons officer...
Mickey: ...can only fire the weapons.
Marzgurl: And nobody else can.
NC: Engineering. (we cut to Engineering where CR and Joe are) Does the transporter still work?
CR: Yeah, but I'm afraid it's very badly damaged. I can only put rough coordinates in, and I'm afraid we can only beam in two at a time right now.
NC: Joe, would you like to shoot something?
Joe: Why, yes, Critic. Yes, I would.
NC: Good. I have a plan. Let me get my battle armor on. Something... dreadful.
Marzgurl: You mean...?
NC: Oh, yeah! Meet me in Engineering.
JO: Wait, Critic! I have invented these: power enhancing energy gloves! They increase your body strength by 12 hundred percent. I shall now demonstrate on... Paw Paw! (punches Paw who gets blasted to the wall)
NC: (grabbing the gloves from JO) OK, I think I like this crazy Otaku! All right. Joe, meet me in Engineering. Everyone else... (looks back at his screen) Act like you're still listening to him.
Terl: (unmuted) ...to sleep, perchance to cream! Aye, there's the tub.
Sage, Panda, and Spoony look worried as they still face the guards.
CR: (to NC and Joe) You guys ready?
NC and Joe: (offscreen) Ready.
CR: Energizing. (and he begins the teleportation process)
Terl: ...and the play's the thing, wherein I tickle the ball sack of the king and...
Joe is teleported into Terl and Zod's living room; once he speaks, Terl and Zod look behind them.
Joe: Excuse me! Which one of you is the tactical weapons officer?
Terl and Zod point to the henchman on Joe's left. Joe shoots him in the head, holsters his gun, smiles, and quickly teleports out. Zod and Terl are confused. Cut to Sage's group as the energizing sound is heard again. The henchmen turn around to find the Critic... totally decked out in a Judge Dredd uniform (with a really huge right eagle shoulder pad, I must say.)
NC (doing his best Stallone impression): I AM THE LAW!
He starts rapidly firing his gun killing all the henchmen and conveniently not killing Sage, Panda, or Spoony. He then continues to yell while still shooting the dead henchmen.
NC: (Stallone voice) Court's adjourned.
Cut to Zod and Terl.
Zod: What the hell just happened?
Terl: He just shot our tactical officer.
Zod: Well, get another one!
Terl: We don't have another one!
Terl: Well, if we had one, why would we need another one?
Back to the Critic.
NC: CR, I'm sending you their coordinates. Beam them out and then me.
SadPanda: Well, this was fun.
The three are teleported out.
Zod: Well, what are we supposed to do now?
Terl: You're the pajama-wearing big shot. You think of something!
Zod: Well, the more we stand here talking about it, the more we give them a chance to think of something!
They suddenly realize the critics are still listening. Terl motions to be cut off. Marzgurl then takes charge.
Marzgurl: All right. This side, get all weapons back online. This side, try and get into contact with the Critic.
Phelous: (interrupting) Wait a minute. I'm in command here! Everyone- do what she says.
Terl: (to the henchmen) You have five minutes to find somebody who understands our weaponry!
Zod: Or, at the very least, get us the ship's owners manual.
Three more henchmen fire at the Critic, who fires back, and somehow no one is falling dead. The Critic blocks some shots with his shoulder pads but someone shoots him in the helmet. He continues to fire rapidly and then hides behind a box.
NC: CR! Where's that damn beaming?
Cut to CR with JO, Film Brain, Joe, and Paw all over his shoulders.
CR: Um, I'm sorry, Critic! The teleporter has a high energy bearable matrix.
NC: ...What does that mean??
CR: IT WON'T WORK!
NC: Well, make it work, dammit! (shoots some more)
CR: All right, um, I think this might work. Energizing!
NC: Ha ha! (stands up) Now you see me, now you don't! (nothing happens for a few seconds. So the Critic shoots the middle henchman, who falls dead; the others retaliate as NC hides again) CR!!!
CR: Damn it. OK, um, I think I figured out the problem. Try this one.
NC is successfully teleported out.
Terl: (to one henchman) You there. Report.
Henchman: Well, this guy (motions the other henchman standing next to him) used to flush cherry bombs down the toilet.
Terl: (shaking his hand) Congratulations, you're our new tactical officer. Zod, how's the programming coming?
Zod: (reading a manual, almost sounding like Marvin the Martian) "Congratulations on purchasing your new Illunium 36 Explosive Space Modulator. We're glad you had the..."
Terl: Don't read the first page! (Rips it out) It's filler!
Zod: "After completing the parts on page one, you will next want to..."
Terl: Oh, Goddamit!
They both hunker down to get back the ripped page. Meanwhile, NC is teleported to an open field on Europa; he looks around.
NC: ...Still not the ship.
Joe: You're outside the building, Critic. It's OK. The scanners say there's no guards out there. (some guards start shooting NC) Oh, wait. The red dots are THEM, and the green dot is YOU! Oh, there are a TON of guards out there! LOTS. (more guards pop up from the field, and the Critic frantically fires) Oh, look, there's more of them! The screen looks like a cherry pie!
On the main deck.
Marzgurl: Cinema Snob, how are those weapons coming?
Snob: Well, the popcorn maker's working. We could always steam their faces with it.
Marzgurl: Phelous. Suggestions?
Phelous: Oh, NOW someone wants advice from the red shirt, huh? Well ... (he is struck down by lightning)
Marzgurl: Clean up!
Terl and Zod are frantically flipping through the manual.
Zod: Oh, this is taking too long! Put on the video tutorial. No. no, you got it in French!
The tutorial announcer speaks in French; the graphics are in French as well.
Terl: Oh, mon dieu!
Zod: Find someone who speaks French!
The guards shoot at the Critic some more when, suddenly, a few laser blasts come out of nowhere, attacking the guards. NC turns to see it's the mysterious spaceman dressed as Gort.
NC: What the hell?
The Gort Spaceman gives him a salute and leaves. The guards continue to fire as NC hides behind a bush. He feels around his uniform and finds the energy gloves.
Joe: (vo) Good thinking, Critic!
The guards overhear this and spot him.
NC: Remind me to kill you later!!
Joe: (to others) ...I don't really have to remind him, do I?
The others shake their heads "no." NC struggles to get the gloves on. He then faces them.
Gloves: Bullet Dodge.
NC blocks all the guards shots with the gloves. The guards then throw their guns down and charge towards the Critic. He then continues to punch them around with the gloves. Naturally, NC starts to get a little cocky.
Gloves: Battery Low.
NC: (continuing to punch them) Woah, Yeah. Come on. Come on. Come on. Woo hoo!
Gloves: Battery Dead.
Another guard charges at him; and the Critic throws a punch, only to slightly pat him on the chest. He tries to punch some more, but he's still there. NC then pats him frantically and nervously until he pats him on the back.
NC: You know, um... (punches the guard in the jaw and runs away)
Cut back to the French tutorial.
Zod: I can't understand a thing he's saying!
Terl: Engage the French translator.
The translator suddenly appears on screen, and it just happens to be...
Benzaie: Bonjour! I am your French instructor! To continue this lesson in French, please press 1!
Terl: That doesn't even make any sense!
Zod: Why would we want to learn French in French?
Back in Engineering.
Film Brain: Isn't there something we can do?!?
CR: I'm trying, but right now, we can only beam objects and not people.
JO: Ooh! I'll be right back. (she leaves)
The guard catches up to NC as they struggle a bit. JO suddenly reappears with a large silver gun.
JO: This is the OMG-WTF 9000. It can shoot 9,000 volts in one smackeroo! I think I shall test it on... Paw Paw! (shoots Paw, shocking him in the process as he falls to the ground) And that was just a minor setting.
Film Brain: (shocked) I'd say that works.
CR: Bombs away.
The OMG-WTF 9000 is teleported out of JO's hand, who continues to giggle. The gun then lands out in the field near NC and the guard. As it lands, it shoots a blast at a rock, disintegrating it. NC and the guard look at each other before making a dash for the gun. They both reach it and struggle for it as more guards run towards them.
Terl: No. Push the buttons up here. The red ones. Maybe they do something. (Explosion) That just blew up Venus. Fuck. They're going to miss that. Zod, how is the video coming?
Zod: I don't even know what he's doing right now! He's just dancing around naked!
Benzaie: (rapping) Yo! My name's Benzaie / And you know that I'm always kissing guys ...
Cut to Todd looking at Mechakara and NChick as they just stand around.
Todd: Hey, we could use a little help, you know!
Mechakara: We are providing tactical moral support.
Seven of Eleven: (blankly) Go team. (Todd doesn't know what to think as he gets back to work)
NC and the guard continue to struggle for the gun. Critic finally gets it and disintegrates the guard. The other guards flee in terror.
NC: Don't run, don't run! I want to be your friend!
Marzgurl: Jut all of our auxiliary power into laser cannons. Luke, get me an update on those torpedoes. Phelous- (he holds up his finger only to get shot in the head) ...Clean up!
Terl: (onscreen) Ha ha! Well, my withering subjects, it seems we have our weapons systems back online! (the guard behind him gets blasted across the room) Two minutes. (screen shuts off)
NC continues to fire until the gun suddenly stops.
He tries blowing on it as the guards chase after him. He gets cornered by another guard and shockingly tosses the gun. The guard catches it and fires another guard who disintegrates next to NC. NC runs away as the guard has trouble controlling the gun as it fires at three more guards; they're eliminated as NC continued running. They finally corner NC as one guard hits the head of the one with the 9000.
Henchman: Sir, the Critic has been spotted on the moon.
Terl: What?? Beam me down there. This time the day will be mine!
Zod: (flipping through the manual) Come back here, you Muppet!
CR: OK. I think I figured it out. Energizing.
NC is teleported out as Terl is teleported in his place.
Terl: Ah ha! Oh! (he ducks from a blast from the 9000)
NC is teleported in ... Zod's location.
Zod: What the hell??
Zod: Fill his dangly bits with holes!
He is teleported again ... to the door on the other side of the room.
Zod: Shoot him!
NC: Oh, for God's sake, CR!!!
He is teleported once again, with Terl taking his place again and being shot at. NC is successfully brought back to Engineering with his back to everyone.
He turns around and flinches; then the others flinch. He sighs relief and walks up to CR.
CR: Well, you're welcome. (NC smacks him) Ow, bitch!
NC suddenly gets a gun pointed at him by the just-teleported Terl.
Terl: Ha ha. Got you now, Rat-Brain! How are you gonna get out of this one? (Paw and Todd point their guns at him; after a few beats, Terl timidly replies:) Beam me back.
He is teleported back to Zod, who looks at his screen when he hears NC.
NC: (v/o) Guess what, buckaroos?
On the villains' screen, we see NC without his jacket on, resting his left arm on Snob's shoulder.
Snob: Our weapons are back online.
NC: Our weapons are back online.
Snob: And I know how to use them.
NC: And he knows how to use them.
Snob: Unlike the idiot who put sugar in the laser banks.
NC: Fire when ready!
Terl frantically presses a few buttons. Cinema Snob is then teleported.
NC falls down. Snob is teleported to Zod's location.
Their house ship escapes.
NC: What else could happen? (Spoony falls down on him) I hate sci-fi!
To Be Continued.