To Boldly Flee: Part 7
September 10th, 2012
Luke is on his bed at his laptop. He suddenly hears a voice as the spirit of The Last Angry Geek appears.
LAG: (phony spooky voice) Luuuuuuke! Luuuuuuke!
Luke: Last Angry Geek?
LAG: Luke, you must go to the internet. There you will find Master Oan, the high brow reviewer. He will teach you the ways of the Plot.
Luke: Internet? High brow reviewer?
LAG: There you'll find the means to defeat Darth Snob, the douchebag who defeated me.
Luke: I-I can't do that. I can't kill my best friend. That's impossible.
LAG: Luke, nothing's impossible. You simply have to swallow your humanity, leave your body and shove a molten laser sword down your best friend's esophagus. It's the only civilized way.
Luke: Maybe there's another way. Maybe there's still some good in him.
LAG: He is more corporate now than man. Twisted and evil, while you're still pure and innocent.
Luke: I can't do it. Isn't there anyone else? I'm surprised Film Brain wasn't interested.
Cut to Film Brain sitting and screaming in the corner of a room, rocking back and forth.
FB: AAAAAHH!!! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAHHH!!! (he does this throughout the scene)
LAG: Will you calm down?! I'm not trying to scare you! I want to... inspire you to help you defeat the dark side! (getting frustrated) Stop yelling, you British sissy boy! Oh, forget it! (he waves up his hands and leaves)
Cut back to him with Luke.
LAG: Heeeee wasn't available. Find Master Oan, listen closely and guard your emotions (phony spooky voice) for they could be made to serve the Executor... Woo! I'm a ghost, Luke... (fades out)
Luke starts to search the internet as we cut to Terl and Zod's ship.
Terl: (v/o) Executor, we- WOAH! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU!?! (Executor appears on the ship's screen) You look like a melted candle!
Executor: My battle with the critics has left me scaaaaarrrred! [that's "scarred", by the way, not "scared"]
Zod: The Death Bomb is nearly complete.
Executor: Goooooood! Then your work here is finished, my friends. Remain on the command ship and await my further orders. With our vast armada, nothing can defeat us now.
Terl: What of the critics and the Snob?
Executor: It is of no concern. Soon the critics will be crushed and the Snob is now one of us. This calls for a celebration. Throw a big Hollywood coke party. Funnel all that money that we should have been giving to those screenwriters.
Zod: Excellent! We'll need a reliable source of entertainment. I'll put an ad on Craigslist!
Terl: With all due respect, Executor, I don't feel safe throwing a party while the Critic still lives.
Zod: Nonsense! You heard the man. We're invincible! It's party time!
Terl: I don't want a party!
Zod: Well, we're going to do a party!
Terl: (whiny) We never do anything I want!
Executor: Hey! Don't make me separate you two.
Luke manages to find Oancitizen aka Master Oan at his home, reading the Encyclopedia of Science Fiction. Oan suddenly notices Luke.
Oancitizen: Oh, hi, um... Luke, right?
Luke: Hey, Oancitizen. Um, this is going to sound weird but ... I'm in space, and this ghostly apparition just came to me and said that you should be a mentor, and I...
Oancitizen: Wait. Wait. You want me to be... a mentor? You want me to allure over to you my intellectual prowess and always be right in your eyes? (he starts to get giddy, as only he can) I knew this day would come. One moment.
He dons a headset of Yoda's ears. He then leaves his room and suddenly appears sitting next to Luke on the bed.
Oancitizen: Hi there.
Luke: Wait, how did you do that?
Oancitizen: Nothing can stop my true calling of being a mentor.
Luke: Yeah, but how did you get here?
Oancitizen: Jump cut. (says this pretty fast) Well, technically, jump cut combined with parallel action; it's ver- very Stephen Scharf. I'll give you the book later. Anyway, jump cut. One of the many tools of the Plot.
Luke: The Plot! Yes, that's what I need to know. Master Oan, will you teach me the ways of the Plot?
Oancitizen: Of course. Help you I can. (does a flat Yoda impression) Mmm hmm hmm hmm. (stands up) But it will take months of training. Long grueling hours spent in the swamp, hauling me around, eating lousy porridge, giving me a sponge bath whenever I-
Luke: (stands up to interrupt him) Uh, I only have a few minutes.
Oancitizen: Oh. Well, in that case, take this.
He tosses Luke a syringe; Luke reads the writing on it.
Luke: "Alex Proyasac -- A Lifetime of Training in a Single Syringe." (holding the syringe with both hands with the needle sticking up in the air) Is it safe?
Oancitizen: (grabbing Luke's hands) I certainly hope so.
He thrusts the tube into Luke's head as a blinding light takes over. Luke finds himself flying through space as Oancitizen shows him several images and clips of films as he speaks.
Oancitizen: (v/o) You're probably wondering why I keep appearing in your thoughts. It's because I've inserted myself in them. I am here to teach you about the Plot. (we see clips from A Trip to the Moon) A character's strength flows through the plot, but beware the dark side. (pictures on money appear) Protectionism. Stifling creativity. Selling out. These lead to the dark side. (we see...) Darth Snob was seduced by the power of the Dark Side of the Plot. (The Executor appears, as does a Manos clip) He thought infamy would make his work last forever, but he forgot something very important.
Luke: (v/o) What's that?
Oancitizen: (v/o) Bad art is a distraction. Great art changes people.
Luke: (v/o) But how can we change people if there's so much crap?
Oancitizen: (v/o) Patience. For every two dozen Phantom Menaces, there is a Return of the King. For every two-bit Shyamalan, (here, we see...) a Stanley Kubrick is born. For every poor soul who groans during (likewise, pics of...) an Adam Sandler-funded Rob Schneider vehicle, there is a child (cut to a silhouette of a stag in shadow) crying life-affirming tears when Bambi's mom is shot. (at this point, we see Luke look around at more clips of films like Birth of a Nation, Night of the Living Dead, and A Trip to the Moon again) Somewhere out there, a film student is finding out what Rosebud means for the first time. A man is pausing as Fredo prays the Hail Mary on a boat over Lake Tahoe. A woman grasps her heart as Bogie's love flies off into the foggy night. All it takes is one moment to change a person. And that one moment... no matter how fleeting... is worth a thousand Transformers.
Luke: (vo) I think I understand.
Oancitizen: (vo) That's it, Luke. I know you can beat them, but you must stay true. Remember- ...the plot can be what you make of it.
More art house cinema is shown as Luke (and the audience for that matter) beholds their greatness. A blinding light brings Luke back to his room as he pulls the tube out of his head.
Luke: I'm ready.
Oancitizen nods as they leave together. Cut to the reviewers gathered in the basement.
NChick: Todd, um, I really don't think this is going to work out.
Todd: I know.
NChick: You know, you're a really nice guy...
Todd: I know.
NChick: And it's not you. It's me.
Todd: I know.
NChick: I'm glad we had this talk.
Todd: I'm glad you did, too. (They shake hands)
Lupa: (to Todd) Can you imagine if you ever did date her?
Todd: Pft. Yeah. In what parallel universe would that happen?
We see Marzgurl in front of JO, who is holding a cardboard drawing of their plan attack that looks like it was drawn by a kindergartener. It even says "Drawn by Edward!!!"
Marzgurl: The Executor has made a critical error and the time for our attack has come. Based on our information, we know he has constructed a space station: a Death Bomb designed to destroy the critics and to seize control of the plot hole orbiting Jupiter. It is located near the hole. It is relatively unguarded... except for this ginormous armada of heavily armed ships. (Joe and Lupa gulp) We believe that a stealthy assault will cripple the fleet and expose the Death Bomb to our attacks, but most importantly, we have learned that the Executor himself is personally overseeing the final stages of its construction. (in a serious tone) Many Bothans died to bring us this information.
Sage: (after a long pause, confused) What the hell's a Bothan?
Marzgurl: Nobody knows. They're all dead.
SadPanda: All right, well, what's the plan then?
Marzgurl: For that, we go to "God Emperor... (reads her hand) ...Most High Major Captain Lord Phelous."
Paw: We have really got to stop letting him promote himself.
Phelous: (with that should-be-trademarked sarcastic voice) Using the information provided by Film Brain (Angry Joe clears his throat) and the Bothans, we'll use a special attack force led by Marzgurl. (Continually tapping the board with the marker) Now this attack force will sneak aboard Zod's ship and disable the armada from the main control room. But to do this, we'll need a distraction.
Marzgurl: Any volunteers?
NChick: I'll do it.
NChick: Yeah. Dealing with ... (flicks her hand at Todd's face) that has made me realize: why get stuck with a man when I can stick it to the man?
Joe: Count me in.
Luke: (v/o) Me too.
Luke and Oancitizen enter. Luke is now dressed as, you guessed it, Luke Skywalker.
Joe: Oh, hey, Oancitizen. You want to go on a violent sneak attack with us?
Oancitizen: Sure. I can milk this cameo for a few more scenes.
Marzgurl: Excellent! Phelous, since you're leading the space attack, I guess that means you're promoted to ... Jesus. Are you capable?
Phelous: Capable? This is the greatest day of my red shirt life...
He suddenly explodes. The camera pans over to see that he reappears on Marzgurl's other side.
Marzgurl: Think you can handle it?
Phelous: Oh, yeah.
FB: Wait a second. We didn't give the Critic a chance to offer his contribution.
The crew looks to the side to find the pondering Critic in his chair in the corner.
NC: My contribution I'll give swiftly, once I think of it, in the confines of my triple protected bunker.
Everyone rolls their eyes.
Sage: I sensed he'd say that.
Joe: Well then, let's DO this! For the Bothans!
Everybody: FOR THE BOTHANS!
NC nods approvingly but suddenly looks concerned as he continues to ponder.
Meanwhile, over at the Death Bomb, we see the armada of ships as well as Zod and Terl's house ship. We cut to inside the ship as the henchman are seated on the couch holding Coca-Cola cans and looking bored.
Terl: You know, when he said "big Hollywood coke party", I'm not exactly sure this is what I had in mind.
Zod: Come on, guys. It's a party! Don't you guys know how to act at a party?
Terl: Oh, is that what you're calling this? I've seen Amish funerals more exciting.
Zod: Oh, come on. We have music! We have dance!
Terl: Music? Look at this place! It's like a rave run by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.
Zod: Oh, please! On Planet Krypton, Zod threw many a wicked kegger.
Henchman: Do you have any keggers here?
Zod: No drinking while on duty!
Zod: Come on, you guys! Perk up! (they are still bored and Zod sighs) I'll go get Apples to Apples. (he leaves)
Terl: Well, you enjoy the festivities. I'm off to scour the lonely recesses of deep space for more D-List internet critics.
Henchmen: Take us with you! Take us with you!
Terl: No! Stay here and party! (he leaves)
Henchmen: (dejected) Oh!
Back on the Exit Strategy.
Mickey: Sir, we're within range. Two sectors away.
Phelous: (he's cocky throughout this whole part, sitting in the Captain's chair very lazily) Can they track us?
Mickey: Not yet, sir.
Phelous: Good. Prepare the away team for beaming. (hits the intercom on the chair arm) Critic, I hate to interrupt your bunker time, but the real heroes are ready.
NC's chair is empty.
Phelous: (v/o) Critic?
NC heads upstairs, making sure no one sees him, and is about to head out the door. But someone does notice...
FB: Critic! Where are you going?
NC: ...You know where I'm going.
FB: You can't just leave us now. We need you! I need you. You're like a hero to me.
NC: Oh, come on, Film Brain. I'm no hero.
FB: Yes you are! You're the best critic there is.
NC: I'm not even a good critic! All I do is yell and scream at things I don't like. What kind of critic does that?
FB: You gave us a voice, a place to call our own.
NC: And how many Ma-Tis will it take? How many crappy laws were invented because of my bullshit? Cinema Snob was right. Nothing lasts forever. What are you gonna do when the bottom falls out of this bullshit?
FB: That's for us to decide.
NC: Well, I've made my choice.
FB: And what if it's the wrong choice?
NC: (sighs) Something is out there, Film Brain. Something is calling me. Maybe it's nothing, but maybe it's something. Maybe it's something where I can be useful. Maybe it's something where I can make a difference. Maybe it's something where I can actually do something meaningful and not just hurt people! Whatever it is, it has the answers I'm looking for. It has the truth.
FB: What if the truth will haunt your dreams for all time?
NC: Did you really just quote Orlando Jones from The Time Machine?
FB: Pft. No, I was quoting the trailer. No one saw that piece of crap.
NC: My point exactly. Nobody needs me. (goes towards the door)
FB: Critic, if you go in that thing, you may never return.
NC: (sighs and looks back) Return was never an option. (FB's eyes widen, startled) Goodbye. (we cut to FB's reaction as the Critics opens the door and we see the air being sucked out, but the Critic walks back past Film Brain because...) Forgot that leads to space.
Film Brain looks sad as CR! comes upstairs.
CR: Hey, you're looking chipper. Listen, can you watch Engine Room for me? Uh, much like James Kirk in "Space Seed," I've got something big, burly, and revolting I need to, uh, exile. You know what I mean? OK.
Cut to a still-despondent Film Brain in Engineering, where Luke appears at his side.
Luke: It's the Critic, isn't it?
FB: The team's not here. Wait outside.
Luke: I know. I'm not going with them.
FB: What? Where are you going?
Luke: (hands him a piece of paper) You need to beam me there.
FB: (he reads it) But that's...
Luke: You MUST!
FB: But they'll kill you!
Luke: Listen to me. You're not going to believe me, but you need to hear me out. This goes against everything that life, the universe, and everything says is common sense; but if I don't make it back and the Critic gets stuck there, you're the only hope for the internet.
FB: (after a pause) You're right. I don't believe you.
Luke: You're going to have to try your best.
FB: But what do you want me to do?
Luke: Trust in the Critic, then trust in me, then trust in yourself... to do the right thing.
FB: And what IS the right thing?
Luke: Keep a close eye on Spoony. You'll figure it out.
FB: (hesitantly prepares the teleportation) See you around, Dudley Do-Right.
Luke: Later, Spotted Dick.
Luke is teleported out as CR! comes back in.
CR: All right, now that that's done, strike team... (pats FB on the shoulder; FB leaves as CR sits back in the chair) Let's get rolling.
Back on the house ship, Zod is reading the Apples to Apples box.
Zod: "A hilarious game where everyone's opinion counts..."
The teleportation sound is heard outside Zod's door. He slowly approaches the door and opens it to reveal Nostalgia Chick and Oancitizen dressed as Ursa and Non from Superman II.
Zod: Ursa! Non! I haven't seen you since Planet Houston (pronounced "Hoosten"). What a wonderful surprise!
NChick: Darling. So good to see you.
Zod: Kisses. (they exchange a couple of air cheek kisses) Oh, well I simply must introduce you to everybody. Everyone! I want you to meet two of my closest friends: Ursa- whose cruelty even extended to the children of Krypton- and Non. He's a mindless apparition whose only means of communication is wanton violence and destruction. (Oancitizen is about to speak...) He's also a mute. That's very important to know. (Oan is disappointed; the henchmen clap their cans) So tell me, tell me. What are you doing here? Oh, don't let me know. You're the entertainment. Oh ho! Craigslist, you've done it again. Tell me, will you sing?
NChick: (as Oancitizen nods) No.
Zod: But Non is nodding "yes".
NChick: That means "No" on Krypton.
Zod: No, it doesn't.
NChick: They changed it.
NChick: After you left.
Zod: But you were with me when we l-
NChick: WIKI it!
Zod: Oh, well, I simply won't let you leave until you sing the number one 1983 Kryptonian single. Oh ho! Let the musical mirth begin! (he leaves for a minute)
Oancitizen: (to NChick, smugly) Oh no. We have no choice. We have to sing.
NChick: I'm singing. You're not. It will give us away.
Oancitizen: But they need to hear my musical pipes.
NChick: They're gonna break your musical pipes if you don't keep quiet.
Oancitizen: Fine. ...Do you even know the number one Kryptonian hit from 1983?
NChick: Well, thanks to Mechakara... (a computer screen appears in front of her face as her Borg-ness downloads the song) ...I do now.
Oancitizen: You should get that looked at.
Meanwhile, Darth Snob approaches the Executor.
Executor: I thought I told you to get me an Egg McMuffin.
Darth Snob: A small rebel force has reached its way into the sector.
Executor: Yes, I know.
Darth Snob: I feel that my apprentice is among them.
Executor: Young Mochrie? Strange. I did not feel his presence. Are your thoughts on this matter clear, Lord Snob?
Darth Snob: Clear as Pepsi. Crystal Pepsi.
Executor: Yuck. That shit's nasty.
Darth Snob: (obviously upset) I'm gonna pretend that I didn't hear that!
Executor: Very well, then. When he comes before you, you will bring him before me.
Darth Snob: He will come to me?
Executor: Yes. I have foreseen it.
Darth Snob: How?
Executor: He's standing right next to you.
The camera pans over from Darth Snob to reveal that Luke is indeed next to him.
Darth Snob: (trying to fool the Executor) My master, I have brought you my apprentice.
Executor: Sure you did. (to Luke) Welcome, young Mochrie. I look forward to completing your training. By now, you must know your friend can never be turned from the Dark Side of the Plot.
Luke: Your over-confidence is your weakness.
Executor: Your faith in the internet is yours.
Darth Snob: My hope that Crystal Pepsi will make a resurgence is mine! (Luke and Executor are both confused) What? I feel like I hand to contribute something.
Back on Zod's ship
Zod: OK, we're starting this party over. Hit it!
This will lead us into the film's signature musical number, "Distraction." During the first four instrumental opening bars, we see a teleportation in the house as the guards ready themselves. We see it's Angry Joe and Marzgurl dressed respectively as Solid Snake from Metal Gear and Major Kusanaji from Ghost in the Shell.
Joe: Snake's in the house, bitches!
NChick: (Singing) (Verse 1) There’s a fire going on / But the party’s just begun / So keep your focus looking at me tonight
A guard sneaks up behind them, but Joe shoots in the head without looking back.
NChick: (Singing)So the world’s about to end / Gonna party with my friends / And ain’t nobody gonna say it’s not right
Oancitizen dances behind NChick throughout this as Joe and Marzgurl continue to shoot the guards. The Critic is also seen exiting the ship through his garage inside his car, which is modeled just like Doug's Mazda 3.
NChick: (Singing) (Pre-Chorus)And I know... nothing’s gonna stand in my way / No matter the people may say / Just don’t turn around and keep looking straight / And I see... that everybody’s starting to yell...
Marzgurl: It says the control room is this way. (shooting occurs as they run away) Detour!
NChick: (Singing) How the world around you’s going to Hell / I’m here to tell you all it’s just fate / (Chorus)I’m a distraction / Of pure satisfaction / Keep your eyes all on me / For what you’re gonna see / Will redefine the height of attraction
NC approaches the plot hole, but Terl shoots at him with his own personal ship. NC is not happy.
NChick: (Singing)I’m a distraction / And I’m ready for action / So the world’s gonna blow / Stop complaining and go to the show / (Verse 2) There’s explosions in the sky / And the neighborhood is fried / But you don’t have to join them in all the fuss / Act like nothing’s going wrong / And just keep playing my song / Until there’s nothing left around here but us
Oancitizen picks up a microphone wanting to sing, but it's taken by...
Zod: (Singing) (Pre-Chorus 2)And I know... something’s gonna happen tonight / All the stars around us start taking flight / But there’s something that invites me to stay / (The henchmen applaud as Zod pauses them; Oan is naturally upset that he can't sing)'Cause I’m drawn... to the rhythm of the music they play / And we’re all gonna die anyway / So enjoy it while you can, come what may
Zod and NChick: (singing) (Chorus 2) We’re a distraction / Of pure satisfaction
Meanwhile, with the strike team...
Marzgurl: More guards are coming.
Joe: Stealth mode.
Marzgurl turns invisible, and Joe hides under a box.
Zod and NChick: (singing)There’s a war going on / But in here, we all won / ‘Cause nobody is slowing the traction
The guards pass Joe's box.
Guard: Hey, did we always have a human size box here?
Joe shoots him and gets out only to find the other two ready to shoot. They're both knocked out by Marzgurl, who turns visible afterwards.
Joe: They always said I could see through women.
Marzgurl: At least it's not a box.
Joe: Hey! That box is like family. (pats the box) She didn't mean it.
Zod and NChick: (singing)Take a step, come inside / Buy a stub, ride the ride of your life
Zod: (singing) (Bridge) Nothing ever will come from saying never / So join the fun wherever it is
Oancitizen fights with NChick over the microphone as NC continues to be shot at by Terl. He then stops as Terl passes over him.
Zod: (singing)There’s a power that’s growing by the hour / I’m positive I don’t want to miss / I’m a distraction…
Joe and Marzgurl enter another room.
Joe: Did you see that plant?
Marzgurl: Yeah. It really tied the room together!
Joe: All right, CR. We're in.
CR: Override code: 723485. And you have to remember to turn the manual controls both at the same time.
Joe and Marzgurl: 1-2-3 Turn.
The duo turn the controls, but the guards come back.
They close the doors as the guards ready their guns on the other side; but they don't know what to do:
Guard 1: Should we break it?
Guard 2: I don't know... Does he have home owner's insurance?
A grenade rolls out of the door. The guards scream as it explodes.
Zod and NChick: (singing) (Final Chorus)We’re a distraction / Of pure satisfaction / Keep your eyes all on me / For what you’re gonna see / Will redefine the height of attraction
During this line, NC and Terl face each other as they prepare to joust. NC's car lets out some smoke. (We also see an Autobot symbol on the trunk lid, as well as a Coexist bumper sticker and a personalized TGWTG Illinois license plate).
Zod and NChick: (singing) I’m a distraction / And I’m ready for action
NC and Terl charge at each other, lasers a-blazing.
NChick: (singing) So the world’s gonna blow / Stop complaining and go / Just start watching the show / 'Cause there’s no more to know / Here we go!
NC: (his lasers stop) Shit. I'm out.
Terl: Ooh hoo hoo! And now, Critic, revenge will be mi- (a laser shoots his ship that sends him hurtling through space) Ah hoo hoo wee!
NC turns to see the mysterious Gort spaceman in his ship.
NC: Yeah. Klaatu Barada- Whatever.
He continues to head for the Plot Hole.
Zod: (singing) I’m a distraction,
NChick: (singing) He’s a distraction,
Zod and NChick: (singing) We’re a distraction,
Oancitizen: (eventually takes the mic from Zod, singing) We're a distraction!!!
The song ends. Everyone is shocked as NChick smacks Oancitizen in the head.
Henchman 1: Hey, he spoke!
Henchman 2: Non doesn't talk!
Zod: Destroy that fantastic tenor!
NChick: (to the ship's intercom) Time to go.
As Oan mouths to himself, "Fantastic!", the two are teleported out. The other guards catch Joe and Marzgurl as they are also teleported out.
Joe: (as they leave) We're not retreating! You surrendered!
Back on the Exit Strategy.
Phelous: All right, let's begin this attack. JewWario, take us into firing range.
JewWario: (ecstatic) Yes, sir!
Phelous: And no barrel rolls.
JewWario: (disappointed) Yes, sir...
Back with Zod.
Guard: Sir, enemy ships closing in.
Zod: What? Put it on screen. (the Exit Strategy comes onscreen) Well, we'll show them who gets the best of Zod. All ships, target that house and FIRE!
The entire armada aims at each other and starts shooting itself apart.
Zod: (shocked) WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?!
Terl: (walks in) Well, I hope you've been having better luck than I have. I've been having a bit of a losing streak. Oh, by the way, (as he now notices what happened out there) DID WE JUST DESTROY OUR OWN ARMADA?!?
Zod: We'll assign blame to you later. Man the weapons!
The two house ships start firing at each other as we cut to Film Brain watching Spoony. All of a sudden...
Spoony: (in a trance) It's a trap, you know. Going into the hole won't solve anything.
Spoony: He's been lying to you. Nothing in the hole can save us. It's going to destroy us all.
FB: What do you mean?
Spoony: (Ma-Ti voice) NOTHING! Nothing. He'll get what's coming to him.
FB: What? What's coming for him? Tell me what's in there. TELL ME!!!
Film Brain tries shaking Spoony to wake him but to no avail. He sits back down as he eyes the Dream Amplifier. Cut to the Executor.
Executor: That's right. Your friends are walking into a trap. It was I who allowed them to know the secret location of this base. It is quite safe from your pitiful bandwidth.
Luke: But many Bothans died to provide us with that information!
Executor: You don't even know what a Bothan is, do you?
Luke: Sure I do... They're those three eyed things.
Executor: That's a Gran.
Luke: A pancake face?
Luke: Not a Tribble.
Executor: That's Star Trek, you fool.
Luke: Well, whatever they are, a lot of them died because of you.
Executor: It matters not. If you do not join me, you will meet your Bothan friends soon enough.
The Exit Strategy continues to fire lasers and Mario Kart red shells.
Phelous: Yes. Fire the photon red shells. Arm the lasers. Do as I say! (a safe falls down from the roof, but it misses him) Oh, no. Not this time. (avoids a missile) Yes! Finally a red shirt is going to do something- (blocks lightning with a pie pan) OTHER THAN DIE! (a car drives right by him) Who let that in here? (he sits back in the chair) All right, full impulse, shields on maximum, (to the camera) and shake that camera more for dramatic effect!! (he nods approvingly as the camera shakes more)
The Critic drives his car straight INTO the plot hole.
To Be Continued