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To Boldly Flee: Part 8
September 13th, 2012
Back on the Death Bomb.
Executor: Your fleet is lost; and soon, the hole will be ours.
Darth Snob: It is useless to resist.
Luke: You're wrong. So long as someone resists, you haven't won.
Executor: Oh, we shall see. Now witness the fire power of this fully armed and Windows-compatible battle station! Fire at will, Commander!
The Death Bomb's laser cannon comes out and charges up, ready to fire at the Exit Strategy. The critics look worried as the Executor looks with glee. All of a sudden, the cannon shuts off.
Executor: (stunned) What the hell?
Luke: Oh yeah. I should've told you: I put sugar in the laser cannons. Apparently, they're great for taking out laser banks.
The cannon coughs out a smoke of sugar dust.
Executor: (upset; after a few seconds, he says...) Snob.
Darth Snob: Yo!
Executor: Kill him.
Darth Snob: 'Kay!
Snob and Luke activate their lightsabers and battle. The two houses continue to fire lasers at each other.
Zod: The Death Bomb is non-functional! Our ships are gone! I-I-I think I'm having an asthma attack-
Terl: Move aside, son of Joe! It's time we do things MY way! Maximize power to the shield! Intensify forward fire power! Target that bridge only! And SOMEONE get me the complete works of Shakespeare! I've got some quoting to do! (the house ship hits the Exit Strategy) Ha ha ha ha! From smell's fart, I stab at thee! Ha ha ha ha!
Film Brain straps himself back into the Dream Amplifier and activates it, putting him back into the realm with Ma-Ti / The Plot Hole.
Ma-Ti: Welcome back, Film Brain. I didn't think you had it in you.
FB: (undeterred) What's in the plot hole?
Ma-Ti: Oh, nothing much. Just... a reckoning.
FB: With what?
Ma-Ti: The past, the present, the future, and the Critic's... destiny.
A blinding white light fades in. Once it fades out, we see the Critic asleep on a couch as he awakes in shock. He sits up to find that he is back on Earth... in his regular living room.
NC: Where am I? (a plot hole portal hovers nearby as he looks around the room) I'm in my living room. ...Really? So THIS is the big twist? The plot hole was my home the whole time? Yeah, real original, guys! Real nice! I totally didn't see this coming. You "blew" my mind. What a let down. (he notices his laptop on the couch) Well, I might as well check my email while I'm here.
While on his laptop, he finds a page entitled "To Boldly Flee by Doug and Rob Walker." He also sees what he just said written down (*except for a few changes) in a script format. The reaction is obvious:
NC: What the hell?
He then hears a noise nearby and stands up nervously waiting who it is. A figure walks in brushing his teeth and it turns out to be ...himself?
Doug Walker/The Writer: Oh my god!
Meanwhile, Snob and Luke continue their battle as Luke kicks Snob's knee.
Executor: Goooood. Use your aggressive feelings, boy. Let it flow mindlessly through you like a Youtube commenter.
Darth Snob: Master Oan has taught you well.
Luke: (bringing down his saber) I will not fight you, Cinema Snob.
Darth Snob: Really? 'Cause my bruised kidney disagrees with that.
Luke: I feel the good in you. The dramatic conflict. You feel there's still hope for real cinema.
Darth Snob: It's too late for me, Luke. Not after Transformers 3!!!
Snob slashes at him some more.
Executor: (off-screen) Good. Gooooood. (on-screen, now seen eating popcorn) Hey, listen. You all want anything? Maybe some, uh, hot dogs or some more popcorn? (looks briefly down off to the side) Oh crap! I forgot my wallet. You know what? Don't go anywhere. I need to take a pee break. I got a bladder the size of a thimble and a prostate the size of a grapefruit. I'll be right back. (he wheels his chair off screen)
The Exit Strategy continues to get ravaged while Terl gleefully celebrates.
Terl: Ha ha ha ha ha! This is the hour of our crepe suzette! Ha ha ha ha ha!
Phelous: Fire photon red shell!
Some more Mario Kart shells are fired, but they bounce off the house ship.
Mickey: It's no use. Their shields aren't weakening. The red shells aren't strong enough!
Phelous: Damn it! Isn't there anything stronger than a red shell?
JO: I have an invention!
Paw: Aaaaahhhh! (he promptly runs away)
Edward JO holds up a diagram of a Mario Kart flying blue shell, which she gives to CR.
JO: It's the only thing more powerful than a red shell. If we simply build...
The ship is rocked, which causes JO to fall into a broken panel. This shocks her, which reverts her back to her normal self.
CR: JO, these are brilliant!
CR: Do you think you can build it under a minute?
JO: What are you talking about?
CR: The... The plans. The torpedo.
JO: Badass. Who made these?
CR: You did!
JO: Hon, I can't even make toast.
Another explosion occurs that shakes the crew.
CR: (grabbing JO by her shoulders) Damn it, JO. You did this! You! Now think! There has to be a way!
JO: I don't know. OK, if, uh, everything I said before was right and everything I'm saying now is wrong, ...maybe you should do the opposite of whatever I say?
CR: (after a beat) JO, you're a genius.
JO: Heh. Your glasses are funny.
CR: (hands her a screwdriver from his inside jacket pocket) Can you use the tool? (she quickly drops it - MAN, she's uncoordinated) No. Paw, you ever wanted to do surgery on a red shell?
Paw: (scared) Is she gonna test it on me?
Paw: (relieved) Fascinating.
CR: All right, let's go.
The three go off to construct the blue shell torpedo. Back with the Critic and the Writer; both are still wondering what the hell just happened.
NC: Who are you?
Doug: (stammers) I-I-I-I'm the writer.
NC: Then who am I?
Doug: I guess the character. It's a little surreal and kind of terrifying. (starts to leave) I'm gonna get a shot of Rumple Minze. You want anything?
NC: Tell me what's going on here!!
Doug: (sighs, then sits down on the couch while NC remains standing) OK, um, you were a character that I created for an online media show. I don't mean to brag, but it was a pretty big hit. (he chuckles, but NC still looks confused) And so I was writing the yearly anniversary of the creation of your character and the site it was on. And in the anniversary, I write in that you go inside this anomaly; and the only thing I could think of that'd be really cool inside that anomaly is if you meet up with the writer: Me. (after an awkward pause...) ...And here we are.
NC: So I'm just a character?
Doug: Well, you were at first, but now... you're something else.
NC: What do you mean?
Doug: Think about it. Would the dictator from Kickassia actually give a shit about his friends? Would the money-grubbing egomaniac from Suburban Knights actually give a crap about a dead Indian boy? (NC wiggles his hand and rocks his head back and forth as if to say, "Maybe") I didn't expect that when I started writing you long ago; but ever since then, you've changed. You've literally leapt off the page and taken on a life of your own. It became less of me writing you what to do and you telling me what to write. (NC is still confused) And seeing where we are, I guess that leaves us with one last choice. (he briefly shifts his eyes off-screen; NC notices and looks in the same direction to see the front door leading to the outside)
NC: What's out that door?
Meanwhile, the Ma-Ti plot hole fires a laser at Film Brain that knocks him to the ground.
FB: Why are you doing this?
Ma-Ti: Because I want you to suffer. I want EVERYthing to suffer, just as I have suffered! And I want it to happen by the Critic's hand.
FB: We came to save you, Ma-Ti. The Critic cares about you!
Ma-Ti: You cared about NOTHING! And the critic was the worst. I was a joke to him. A pansy! A pussy! You think I didn't know? Always sending me on stupid missions? Goat porn? REALLY? Well, now his final mission will be his last.
Back with Snob and Luke. Snob is looking around, trying to find Luke, who is hiding.
Darth Snob: You cannot hide, Luke. It's not that big of a room.
Luke: I will not fight you.
Darth Snob: You know there is nothing left for us, Luke. Only failure. Join me and I can complete your training. Imagine what we can accomplish in the Hollywood system. Together, we can rule the film world as total corporate sellouts. (Luke starts to tremble a bit) Yes. Your thoughts betray you. You have concern for your friends, especially for... the Critic. (Snob realizes what's happening) So, the Critic's in the hole. Your failure is now complete. Once we have him on our side, we'll turn him into the next Tommy Wiseau!
Luke: (comes out of hiding, whipping out his lightsaber) SNOB!!
Darth Snob: Aw, shit.
They clash some more as Luke brings Snob down to the floor and knocks his lightsaber out of his hand. Luke raises his to strike him down, but he hesitates.
Executor: (clapping) Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Goood. Gooooood. This is better than Dancing With The Stars. Now, strike him down and take his place by my side.
Darth Snob: (raising his head up from off the floor) Wait, what?
Darth Snob: Uh, that wasn't in the company contract.
Executor: Oh, come on. You know I've gone through 14 other assistants already. (to Luke) But you... you, Luke. Yes, you. I've got a feeling about this one. You're going to be my number one guy.
Luke sees Snob's empty hand, looks at his own hand and remembers that handshake from before.
Snob: (in flashback) I'll tell you what: you get my back, and I'll get yours.
Luke: No. (tosses his lightsaber aside, which apparently lands on a cat on the ship since we hear a yowl of some sort) You failed, your highness. I'm a critic. An artist... like my father before me.
Executor: Your father was just an improv comedian on Canadian television.
Luke: And Whose Line is it Anyway?!
Executor: That wasn't exactly Citizen Kane, kid.
Luke: Hey! That man did things with Richard Simmons that nobody else would do, and I'm just as brave.
Executor: (after a long, dramatic wait...) So be it... critic.
The crew struggles on the Exit Strategy as CR, JO, and Paw attempt to put together the Blue Shell.
CR: OK, JO. Uh, what wire? Red or blue?
CR: Paw, go with blue.
Paw: (sighs) What angle on the sensor array?
JO: Positive 12.
CR: Negative 21.
As Terl continues gloating, Zod is seen behind him with folded arms, rolling his eyes.
Terl: Ha ha ha ha ha! Pickle me. Do I not laugh? Prick me, do I not squee?
A screen on Terl's computer that shows the battle also says "Intruder Alert". We see a disfigured and really pissed off Mechakara roaming the halls of the ship and looking directly at the camera. Zod leaves with concern as Terl continues to laugh.
NC: What do you mean, "reality"?
Doug: Out there is a world that has no structure, no plot, no story arcs, no themes, no purpose. (points at his computer) In this world, I've given you purpose. You have reason to exist, a point in being here. But out there, you'll be the dealer of your own destiny. Everybody's future is unknown. Just reality, the great mystery.
NC: Yeah? What happens in the story?
Doug: Then the world I've created for you and all the people in it... will disappear.
Doug: Every character has a purpose. If not, why would you write them? Every single detail., every single word, everything in the background all serves a greater goal. But if even one of those elements leaves, if one evolves beyond the story, then the story disappears. It's like a house of cards: You take one out, the entire thing falls apart. You're that card.
Sage enters where Film Brain and Spoony are, holding up an empty pill bottle.
Sage: Hey, do we have any more painkillers? (he suddenly notices FB hooked up and shakes him, trying to wake him) Dude! Film Brain. Film Brain! Come on, wake up!
He looks around then takes off his hat. Meanwhile, FB is still reeling from the laser blast.
Ma-Ti: Soon the Critic will make his choice, and I know what that will be. It'll be the choice that destroys us all. His fame will die, as will we. A useless joke long forgotten.
FB: But Ma-Ti, the Critic's changed!
Ma-Ti: You LIE!!! There's no room for change in his heart! There isn't even room for a fucking heart! The Critic is cold and HEARTLESS! Just like his friends.
FB: You think I don't understand? To be the lackey? To be the butt of everyone's jokes? For goodness sakes, I'm British! Our only contribution to culture is comedic cross-dressing and spotted dick!
Ma-Ti: Yeah, that stuff's nasty.
FB: But I've seen the good in him. People can change.
Ma-Ti: Just like you will change. From living... to dead.
The Plot Hole charges up, but then the background changes to storm clouds as a figure drops in.
The figure is Sage, now dressed as Tetsuo from AKIRA.
Sage: My psychic powers can't do shit in the real world; but here, it's a whole other story!
Ma-Ti: Back off, Dragon Ball Z!
Sage: (bursts out energy) RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ma-Ti: (being shaken) Woah! Woah!
Ma-Ti: Wooah! Aaaaah! (He disappears)
Back on the Death Bomb.
Executor: If you'll not be turned, then you will be destroyed! (he shocks Luke with lightning bolts from his fingers; Luke drops to the ground, writhing) You cannot fight what we have bought. (Snob stands next to him and looks on) You cannot protest what we have silenced! (shocks Luke again) You will pay the price for your lack of vision. OUR vision! One vision and none other. (more shocking) Ah, made you look. (flicks a small shockwave before shocking him more at full blast)
Luke: Cinema Snob, help me!!
Executor: Now, young Mochrie... You will die.
Darth Snob: (thinking) Hmm. He did try to kill me; then again, he does have a damn good dental plan. (Executor rolls his hands gleefully while he shocks Luke, but Snob eventually decides to do the right thing) Nooooo!
He tries to pick up Executor, but he's too heavy.
Executor: Uh, what are you doing? What- stop that! This is really embarrassing for you. It's not like you can lift me. You're like 5-foot-nothing.
Darth Snob: You know something? You're right.
He turns Executor, pointing his shockwaves towards a mirror that reflects the waves right back at him.
Executor is hit by his own electricity, which sends him flying into a wall. Snob helps Luke up.
Snob: Come on, kid. (takes off his helmet) Some films are worth fighting for. (the two leave the room)
The crew continues to shake in the ship as Terl continues to laugh.
Terl: Fire! Death! Burn! Bleed!
As Terl says this, Zod exits a room only to be choked by a hand.
Mechakara: Remember me?
Mechakara tosses Zod onto the guards and slams his head into the couch; Terl, meanwhile, is oblivious to all this.
Terl: All the world's a page! Our skittles now have melted, Critic!
Paw, CR, and JO continue to construct the Blue Shell.
JO: Tab A into Slot B.
CR: (to Paw) Slot A into Tab B!
Terl: You got to know when to hold them, know when to fold them, know when to walk away and know when to DIE!!!
Mickey: Shields collapsing! One more hit, and this ship is sunk!
Phelous: Doesn't anyone have any bright ideas??
Linkara: (vo) Oh, I do!
We see the front of the Exit Strategy as we zoom out to find what's coming up behind it: Comicron-1.
Linkara: Nimue. Raise the force wall. Clear the neutron blasters firing and charge the forward lance. All right, now they got something else to shoot at.
Comicron-1 fires at the house ship.
Terl: Ah. Game's a footloose, eh? Fire!
They fire a laser at Comicron-1, damaging it.
Marzgurl: Sir, Linkara's been hit!
Terl: Cry "Halibut" and let slip the cods of war!
Mechakara: (grabbing Terl by the back of his neck) Remember me? "Metal moron," I believe, were your words.
Phelous: CR, where's that damn torpedo?!
CR: (as he, Paw, and JO finish construction, he loads the weapon into the launch bay and shuts the door) Lock and load.
Phelous: (as we dramatically zoom in on his face, he quietly commands:) FIRE.
The flying blue shell fires out and starts swerving towards the villains. They look on... and know they're whipped.
Zod: (to Terl) Come on, let's hear it.
Terl: ...You know, for once, I got nothing. Sucks to be us.
The Blue Shell hits dead on. setting the house ship on fire. We then cut to the Death Bomb, where the Executor stands up from being blasted with his own lightning.
Executor: (on intercom) General Zod.
Zod: Yoo hoo!
Executor: Get down here this instant.
Zod: Uh, don't think that'll be a problem actually.
The crashing house ship is seen outside Executor's window, heading straight toward him.
Executor: ...Oh, it's just as my fortune cookie predicted.
The house ship crashes into the Death Bomb right under the wick. Linkara, Snob, and Luke teleport onto the Exit Strategy. Both Snob and Luke look at the screen and see the crash remnants.
Snob: Boy, did I bet on the right horse!
Terl, Zod, and Mechakara emerge from the wreckage.
Terl: (dazed) Ha, it'll take more than that to stop me!
Mechakara: Where is the Executor?
Zod: (he points to various places around them) There... and there... and there... and a little there.
SadPanda: (picking up a device found on the floor) Hey, what does this thing do? (he presses the button)
A buzzer suddenly begins going off from inside Mechakara's chest- the thermal detonator he had swallowed earlier.
Mechakara: To be...
Zod: Or not...
Terl: To BE!!!!
The thermal detonator... detonates... setting off the Death Bomb's wick and causing a massive explosion, which destroys the entire station.
SadPanda: Well, whatever it is, (tosses the detonator behind him) it wasn't mine.
Back with the Critic.
Doug: It's up to you, Critic. The world of endless possibilities, the great mystery... or a world where you know you have meaning and purpose. It's up to you.
Critic stares at him before moving slowly to the door. Sage helps Film Brain up.
Ma-Ti: It doesn't matter. You're too late. The Critic will leave us... as I knew he would.
FB: No, he's better than that.
Ma-Ti: We shall see.
The Critic approaches the front door. He opens it to reveal a bright light and steps outside with a smile on his face to see the bright new world ahead of him. He then checks his ankle and finds no bracelet on. He prepares to step outside. Throughout this whole part, we hear Holst's "Jupiter" piece again (*The same music adapted to "I Vow to Thee, My Country").
Ma-Ti: And here... we... go.
He puts his leg out in front of him but finds that something is stopping him. He holds this position for a long time. He soon sighs and puts his leg down.
NC: Eh. It was probably just as phony anyway. (he then walks backwards and shuts the front door)
Ma-Ti: What? Impossible! It simply isn't POSSIBLE!!!
NC: (returns to the living room, to Doug's surprise, and confronts the plot hole; we can see Film Brain and Sage inside of it) Ma-Ti? I know you're in there, and I know you can hear me! I just wanted to say: I'm sorry. All right? I'm sorry for everything I did. I'm sorry for the way I treated you. I should've treated you like a real person, like with some respect and shit. And I didn't. I know that I made a lot of mistakes in the past.
Ma-Ti: Yeah. No shit.
NC: Dick. But hurting you was the biggest one. I know you need closure just like I need closure. So, for God's sake, Ma-Ti, let's close this fucker!
Sage: Ma-Ti, people can change. And so can you. You can make the choice to leave this place and be at peace.
FB: There's nothing more to hold onto. It's time to let go.
NC: You saved the world, Ma-Ti! You saved us all!
Ma-Ti: ...All I ever wanted was to be useful.
NC: You can be useful, Ma-Ti! You have been useful! Just see it! (pause) You did good, Ma-Ti. You did real good.
Ma-Ti: ...You're right, Critic. You and your friends. You were right about everything. ...Goodbye.
The plot hole disappears into the image of Spoony's neck as everyone smiles with relief. Suddenly, the world darkens as shaking sounds start happening. The Plot Hole starts growing more outside the two ships.
NC: (to Doug) What's happening?
Doug: Uh, well, since Ma-ti left, there's no one in the plot hole to keep it stable. It's totally out of control. You're kinda screwed.
NC: OK. Your story sucks!
Doug: You suck!
Sage: (pulling Film Brain away) Come on, we got to go.
FB: But what about Spoony? He'll die if we leave him!
Sage: It's too late. Come on!
The plot hole continues to grow out of control...
Phelous: JewWario, get us away from that thing. Maximum warp!
JewWario: I can't! We're out of mushrooms!
Back to the Critic.
NC: (to Doug) Come on, come on! Think of something!
Doug: I'm just as lost as you are. That's why it's a plot hole.
NC: You're the writer! Tell me what to do!
Doug: You're the character. You tell me what to do!
Back on the Exit Strategy.
Marzgurl: It's getting bigger!
Sage: (entering with FB) It's unstable. It's out of control.
Mickey: ...We're not gonna make it. Are we?
The Plot Hole grows closer...
NC: Well, there's got to be some way of stopping this thing. HELP ME!
Deep Voice (off-screen): Well, you know what they say: If you can't beat them, join them.
The Gort spaceman teleports in. He takes off his helmet revealing... ...The Angry Video Game Nerd!
Nerd: That's right! It was me the whole time!
NC: (not surprised) Oh.
Nerd: ...Oh? What do you mean "Oh?!"
NC: Well, I think the audience figured it out pretty early. I mean, who else could it be?
Nerd: (flabbergasted) It could've been anybody! Like, maybe... LordKat?
NC: Oh, please, in that outfit?
Nerd: All right, smart ass. Well, how do you expect to fix the situation, then?
NC: ...Kay, that I don't know.
Nerd: All right, well, good luck with that. (starts to put his helmet back on)
NC: No, wait, wait, wait! (Nerd takes his helmet off again) Do you have any pointers?
Nerd: Well, if you can't shrink it...
NC: (realizing) That's it... If you can't beat it, then... I need a radio. Can you get me a line to Earth?
Nerd: Sure. Radio Dead Air. Do you copy?
Sure enough, at his post is...
Nash: Operator. I mean- This is Nash, ready to assist you.
NC: Nash, I need you to transmit a message to... the universe.
Nash: OK, well, I could, yeah, um... but I got a Hot Pocket in the oven, so...
NC: Just DO IT!
Nash: All right, Jeez! (turns on his camera, which says "Live to the World") Dick.
NC: Right. People of the World. Critics everywhere! There's only one way to officially stop this thing once and for all: we have to make the plot hole bigger!
The Crew: ...WHAT?
NC: You heard me! It feeds on things that don't make sense. I want you to point out every inconsistency, every film flub, every mistake that has never made sense to you in your entire life! And it doesn't have to be movies. Every mystery, every bitter confusion, every little thing that has never made sense to you, every lack of logic! Shout it! Shout it as loud as you can! Trust me! It's the only way!
Linkara: (pause) In Justice League: Cry for Justice, why did they put Prometheus' helmet back on? That's the source of all his power!
Phelous: Why is it that when Kevin Baugh's hitting people with swords, I pop out from behind the shed...?
Everyone starts discussing various things- not only those aboard the ship, but everyone, everywhere...
Dena: The Silent Hill movie?
Blockbuster Buster: Oh my God, in Spider-Man 3, when the butler comes out of nowhere...
Dena: What is up with that Underground Cult fire?
Blockbuster Buster: ...it was the Green Goblin all along!
MikeJ: That wasn't a ghost in Three Men and a Baby!
Blockbuster Buster: I mean, the butler had like one minute of screen time!
MikeJ: It was a cardboard cut out!
Y Ruler of Time: Mr. Miyagi says that...
Smarty: Well, there was Dragon Wars when...
Y Ruler: ...lost in the second movies...
Smarty: ...armed during one of the big fight scenes in the middle of the film...
Bjork (Victoria Turner): I believe in Santa Christ! ...Wait...
Chester A. Bum: Why is it CR says he can only beam out two people when later he clearly beams out three?
MegaGWolf: Why is called American Football when they primarily use their hands??
Everyone's voices start reverberating all over the city and all over the globe. The plot hole approaches the ships as the crew watch on the bridge with concern.
JO: (vo) I guess this is it...
Luke: (to the group at large) Hey, remember your first review?
FB: Mine was Equilibrium.
Sage: That wasn't smart.
FB: No. The fanbase absolutely hated it...
Snob: I liked it.
Todd: Blah Blah Blah by Kesha was mine.
Marzgurl: The Last Unicorn.
Joe: I don't even remember my first review. I just remember being really angry, and loving every minute of it.
Linkara: Hey, remember the Man Who Fell to Earth review? That was brilliant!
Oancitizen: Thanks. Alone in the Dark was pretty good, too.
Lupa: That was a great crossover.
Mickey: So was this.
Phelous: For the Bothans.
Everyone: For the Bothans!
Epic music starts to play as the two ships head into the plot hole. Everyone watches nervously. Todd and Lupa hold hands. NC and Nerd watch as the Exit Strategy goes through.
NC: My God... What have I done?
Nerd: What you had to do, Critic. Like you always do. Turn death... into another chance to blow shit up.
NC: Well, I guess this is it. (Nerd nods) So, where did you get that device to communicate with JO and CR?
Nerd: Stole it from Insano.
NC: Pft. Of course. Guess he was good for something.
Nerd: Hm. Yeah.
They both shake hands.
NC: See you on the other side, man.
Nerd: Nice working with you, Critic.
He puts his helmet back on and teleports out. Critic approaches the Plot Hole as it starts to pound again.
NC: (vo) Somebody has to merge with it. Somebody has to keep it safe.
He punches the plot hole as it starts to bond with him as Doug looks on. A bright light starts surrounding the entire world. Finally, the Nostalgia Critic fully merges with the plot hole and disintegrates. A blinding light brings us to an open field where the rest of the critics, all out of costume, stand up confused.
FB: Where are we?
Snob: We're back on Earth. This is where Ma-Ti fought Malachite- where the Critic started this whole mess.
JewWario: Is there any sign of Spoony?
Sage: (somber) I guess he didn't make it.
Film Brain looks saddened. Suddenly, Christmas bells are heard.
Luke: What the hell?
A blinding explosion occurs and the critics see something in the distance.
Santa Christ: Ho ho ho ho ho!
Mickey: Santa Christ!!
Marzgurl: What are you doing here? (Oancitizen is confused beyond belief, mouthing "What the fuck...?")
Santa Christ: Well, I was making my toys up in North Jerusalem when I heard a knock on the door. Now I'm not sure where it came from, but the name tag said "To Santa Christ, From The Nostalgia Critic." Tell me- Do you know who this is?
A figure wearing a white sheet behind him reveals himself to be Spoony.
FB and Sage: Spoony!
Santa Christ: Oh ho ho ho ho!
Film Brain and Sage run over to Spoony.
Spoony: Santa Christ tells me you all risked your lives to come save me, but why would you do this? It is illogical.
Sage: Because the needs of the plot outweighs the needs of the logic. Hey, I am good at this!
FB: Don't you remember?
Spoony: Remember. Remember. (To Film Brain) Clarence. Your name is Clarence.
Santa Christ: ...Close enough! Ho ho ho ho ho!
Spoony reunites with everyone, with the "I Vow to Thee My Country" music playing again.
JewWario: But, but Santa Christ, I don't get it- How did we get here?
Dr. Insano: (emerging from behind Santa) I can answer that one.
Lupa: Dr. Insano! We thought we'd never see you again!
SadPanda: Some of us hoped we'd never see you again.
Insano: Well, you can't keep a good mad scientist down.
JO: But how is that possible? I thought the plot hole destroyed everything.
Insano: No! It merely swallowed everything!
CR: But, but I don't understand.
Insano: The plot hole created havoc because we used to live in a universe that made sense, but now the hole is the universe, there is no conflict!
JO: But that doesn't make any sense.
Insano: Nothing does! Isn't it great? Crazy is the new normal!
CR: But, but what about the inconsistencies?
Insano: Oh well, there will always be inconsistencies. More plot holes to find, but it's the little surprises that make life worth living! So celebrate them. Enjoy them. Without them, life would be boring!
Luke: But I don't want to live in a giant mistake.
Insano: Well, tough shit! Nothing's perfect, kid. Your movie's just begun, just like all of ours, so make it a good one, mistakes and all.
FB: So that's it? You just hitched a ride here to give us this giant plot dump?
Insano: Well, there's that, and ... (Points a machine gun at them) GIVE ME BACK MY STUFF!
The Exit Strategy flies off into the sunset.
Luke: Well, I guess that's that.
Spoony: (To Luke) John!
SadPanda: Well, what do we do now?
The critics look behind them to see...
AskThatGuy: My place isn't too far away from here. You know what that means?
Snob: Big, low-budget, independent film Coke party!
Cut to AskThatGuy's house where rock music is heard and everyone is partying in the basement, including a shirtless Mickey.
Todd: You know, I think this is the beginning of something beautiful.
Lupa: Yeah. (She waves at Phelous who waves back)
Todd: Yeah. Something beautiful.
JO: Hey, hold on just a second, yeah. (On the phone) Uh, hey Nash. Hey, hey hon. You know what, I will be- I will be home very soon. You know what, when I get back, we'll watch some Cowboy Bebop together. How's that sound? Yeah. I know you don't like the Edward episodes, but you know what, that's Ok. We can skip those. (Turns to her side to reveal red highlights in her hair) Edward doesn't need to watch Edward on TV!! (Back to normal) What? No. What, What did I say? I didn't say anything.
Linkara: (To NChick) So you think you'll ever find true love again?
NChick: I don't see that happening at the moment. I really got to stop chasing all these jerks who just reject me anyway. (Joe flaunts his Superman shirt next to her and put his arm around her) Uh, as if!
Joe: Bitch! (walks away)
NChick: (suddenly interested) ...Hey... (Goes after him)
Snob: (To Luke, after putting cocaine on his teeth) OK, so if we're going to do this movie, we need 20 confederate soldiers to wear zombie make-up and 20 women to wear nothing.
Luke: Yes, sir!
Snob motions to Mickey to dance. Film Brain looks off to the side. The spirit of the Nostalgia Critic appears, followed by The Last Angry Geek, followed by... Hayden Christensen? They look confused, but LAG shrugs. Sage pats Film Brain on the shoulder as they leave. The three spirits disappear. We then leave the critics as we move into space one more time. The plot hole comes in view.
NC / The Plot Hole: I... am the Nostalgia Critic.
The end credits roll as we watch some more takes from Rob Walker as the Executor.
Executor: Oh, it's just as my fortune cookie predicted. I can't believe my hairstylist predicted this. And here I thought it was going to be throat cancer. Oh, grape nuts. Oh, I wish there some way to blame this on pirates. Well, at least he's punctual. I always knew I'd go out like the Wizard of Oz. Mommy! The only thing I regret is the series of events that lead me to this moment. And here I thought it was going to be natural causes. Houses. Why did it have to be houses? Really? I'm going out like this. My psychic predicted the housing market would crash, but I never figured it would fall on me. Hey, I think that's my time share. Oh, hey look. It's the plant in the corner. Oh, I didn't foresee this. Oh, wait. There it is. Crush my house. Still got it. Oh poop. My sister always said I would have a house drop on my head. If they make a movie about me, I want myself played by Anthony Hopkins. Silence of the Lambs. Really. Good stuff. Remains of the Day. Did you see that one? Marvelous. Marvelous. Good bye. If they make a movie about me, I want my part played by Will Smith. Independence Day. Doesn't get any better. I don't know about you, but I'm looking forward to MIB3. True, you couldn't get Tommy Lee Jones, but he looks about 112 now. He looks older than me. It's gonna be good. See it. Goodbye. Well, at least I go out looking gorgeous. *smiles*
He and Doug laugh as the credits finish.
In an after credits scene, That Sci-Fi Guy emerges from the rubble of his destroyed house.
That Sci-Fi Guy: Ah, man! The land lord is gonna be pissed...
The new Channel Awesome logo closes us out.