Eminem: I knew I shouldn't gone and get another tattoo of you on my arm. But what do I go and do? / I go and get another one. Now I got two. Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh.
Mark Mues: Simple math aside, that has to be some of Eminem's laziest writing to date. But appropriately enough, this song has a lot to do with puking. It makes you feel like shit, and just as you think it's over, huh, surprise! (Sound of Eminem vomiting) But, unfortunately, unlike Puke, you can't just pour pink sawdust on the song to make it go away.
Eminem: Now I'm sittin' here with your name on my skin. I can't believe I went and did this stupid shit again. / My next girlfriend--now her name's gotta be Kim. SHI-I-I-I-I-I-I-T.
Rap Critic: Y'know, sometimes you need raw energy on a song to make people understand how you feel, but other times, you need to sit down and take the time to properly craft your lyrics to fine-tune your message. This is a time where he needed that, because this is just sloppy. This song wasn't designed for people to listen to. It was designed for him to listen to and wallow in his sorrows, and didn't care to actually make us feel anything.
Mark: Oh, no, I feel something, all right. Mainly disappointment. Eminem made a name for himself back in the day rapping about hatred, but this song just feels like a cheap call back minus the attitude and intensity. It'd be one thing if he was trying to turn over a new violence-free leaf, unlike KRS-One. But, and I'm sure I don't need to tell you this, that just wasn't the case.
9. Evil Deeds
Eminem: Father, please forgive me for I know what I do. I just never had the chance to ever meet you. / Therefore, I did not know that I'd grow up to be my mother's evil seed and do these evil deeds.
Mark: It's the first song off Encore, and much like an overture of a popular musical, Evil Deeds spells it all out, giving you a little taste of everything wrong with this dreadful album--all in one stage-setting piece.
RC: This song's main problem is that it sounds like a man trying to do what he did before, with bouncy, elaborately flowing, intricate lyrical delivery. But something's cracked, something broken, and he just can't do it!
Eminem: Momma had a baby and it's head popped off. (Head popped off, head popped off, head popped off, head popped off, head popped off.) My momma don't want me. The next thing I know, I'm gettin' dropped off. (Gettin' dropped off, gettin' dropped off, gettin' dropped off, gettin' dropped off.) (RC looks unamused) Ring, ring, ring on the doorbell of the next door neighbors on their front porch. (Their front porch, their--)
RC: I think you see our problem with this first verse.
Eminem: Predominantly, predominantly. Everything's always predominantly. / Predominantly white, predominantly black. / Well, what about me? Where does that leave me?
Mark: With predominantly white fans in a predominantly black genre?
Eminem: Well, I guess that I'm between predominantly both of 'em. / I think if I hear that fuckin' word again, I'ma scream.
Mark: You're the one saying it! Who the hell is annoyed at the word "predominantly"? It isn't THAT common. And it's not nearly annoying as "moist" or "phlegm" or "slurry".
Eminem: What do I look like, a comedian to you? Do you think I'm kidding? What do I look like, some kind of idi--? (cut to RC's smug face) Wait a minute. Shit, don't answer that. / Man, I'd hate to have it as bad as that Mr. Mathers claims he had it.
RC: And here, he's addressing the fact that you've heard this all before, and that he is recycling. But like I say, acknowledging that you suck is not an excuse to keep sucking. In fact, now it's worse, because we KNOW that you know you suck and you are actively not doing anything about it. And THIS is how you start your album: by rattling off the same crap. And you know where on his other albums, he would joke about his conventions? There was a certain energy, quick-wittedness and INTELLIGENCE about his self-awareness. This just sounds like he's bored, but completely unwilling to break new ground.
8. My Band by D12
RC: You know, I actually liked this song when it came out. But now that I look at it, this is the first song that signified his newer, corny style. And sure, Eminem only has one verse, but that one verse, plus the stupid corny beat and the chorus are enough to pull it down. Make no mistake: the first minute and a half of this song belongs to Eminem. It's his song and it's horrible.
Eminem: These chicks don't even know the name of my band. / But they're all on me like they wanna hold hands. / So I get off stage, right, and drop the mic. / Walk up to these hot chicks and I'm all like "What's up, ladies? My name's Slim Shady. I'm the lead singer in D12, baby."
RC: And while the rest of these guys here are pretty much mediocre, which does nothing to hurt the song necessarily, Proof is the only one with an actually funny verse.
Proof: I'm gonna let the world know that Proof is hot. / I should cut his mic off when the music starts. (Hey, yo, it's-- *audio cuts off*) / Ready to snap on a dumb ass fan every time I hear, "Hey, dude, I love your band!" / We ain't a band. We don't play instruments.
Mark: But then, Bizarre comes in… and brings it right back home.
Bizarre: I told you I made the beats and wrote all the raps / 'Til Kon Artist slipped me some crack. / Lose Yourself video--I was in the back. / Superman video--I was in the back.
RC: No, you weren't. Th-that's just untrue. Like, it's not even the funny kind of untrue. Like there's some joke to it or something. This is just lying for the sake of lying.
Bizarre: Fuck D12. I'm outta this band. / I'm gonna start a group with The Real Roxanne.
RC: …Why? Why would you start a rap group with the chick from the Roxanne Wars of 1984? What is the joke here?! Why was I supposed to find that funny?!
Mark: I don't even think they knew what they were going for here, but the song wraps up in a neat little package which I'm sure they thought was comedic gold.
Eminem: (with Mexican accent) I'm the lead singer of my band, my salsa. / Makes all the pretty girls want to dance. / My salsa. Well, look out for my next single. It's called My Salsa.
Mark: Why is this on the album? I think that's a fair enough question. I guess I can see how it would fit in the music video. Y'know, for a cheap laugh. They're all in costumes. You got the cute little dog there. But I don't think I see anyone blasting this in their car, or better yet, singing along.
RC: And many people have said this is supposed to be some kind parody of My Milkshake by Kelis. Which is fine, but unfortunately, that doesn't make it sound any less stupid.
Eminem: Where'd everybody go?
7. My First Single
Eminem: Here comes the bucking bronco, stomping and stampeding up the damn street like them buffalo soldiers. / I told ya I'm bout' to blow. / So look out below. Geronimo. Motherfuckers is dominos. / I'm on a roll. Around and around I go. / When will I stop? I don't know.
Mark: Did you catch any of that? He didn't say anything there besides string together a bunch of haphazard, irrelevant words with zero meaning behind any of them.
RC: Oh, and by the way, this is the song with quite realistic sounds of someone crapping in your ear. On the chorus.
Eminem: Eri-Eri-Eric swallowed some generic sleeping pills / And woke up in bed next to his best friend Derick bare naked. Chaka-chak-chak-chak. / Janean just turned 16 and used a fake ID / To sneak in V.I.P. to see R. Kelly. Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee.
RC: So?! What the hell are you talking about?! How do these stories relate in any way?!
Eminem: Am I a jerk or just jerk chicken? / Or chicka-chicka-chicka-chicka, jer-jer-jerkin' the chain? / 22 jerks and a jerk circle / Or is it a circle jerk, or--? Wait a minute? What am I saying?
Mark: Good fucking question, Em. And again, the joke here s supposed to be, "Oh! Look how aware I am of how little sense I'm making!" To which I say, "Okay! I don't care! You have given me no reason to care!" It's just random scatter-shot lyrics with no intent of telling you--the listener--anything. These are lyrics from a man who has nothing to say, doesn't give two shits about how sloppily he presents it. Did he cut any songs off the album? Did he really think these were worth releasing? Why didn't anyone stop him?!
Eminem: Just recently, somebody just discovered Britney [Spears] and Justin [Timberlake] videotapes of them fucking when they were just musketeers in the Mickey Mouse Club / And dusted them and went straight to The Source with them / Cause they could've sworn someone said "Nuh-" / And then tried to erase and record over it / But if you listen close enough to it you can hear the "Ga-uh" / And then the come to find out it was Justin saying "I'm gonna cum!"
Mark: Why did he just spend half a verse talking about someone discovering child porn of Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears? In such detail, no less? Why the hell would you waste this much time to tell us something that has absolutely NO significance? What's the logic here? Lemme try to guess. Is this fake story of child pornography being randomly sent to Source Magazine that includes Justin Timberlake supposedly saying the N word supposed to be a joke that Source Magazine isn't a reliable source and that they'll report anything? And is this story supposed to parallel the old tape they found of you saying the N word? That's the only reasoning I can make of it. And how contrived would that be if it were the truth? Besides, that old tape of you saying the N-word turned out to be pretty real. So if this whole convoluted verse was supposed to be you trying to discredit them as a magazine, well, on execution alone, you failed. And I'm pretty sure it won't be the last time.
Eminem: So fuck a chicken, lick a chicken, suck a chicken, beat a chicken, eat a chicken like it's a big cock. Bawka-bi-kaw. / Or suck a dick, and lick a dick, and eat a dick, and stick a dick in your mouth. I'm done. You can fuck off, fucka-fucka-fuck off!
(Mark, horrified, looks off to the side covering his mouth)
6. Big Weenie
RC: So this song is supposed to be a diss track to Ray Benzino. And you know how if you're making a diss track to someone, you usually try to sound like the better, smarter, more clever person? Well, not when you're going through the infantile stage Slim Shady was going through.
Eminem: You're just really jealous of me / 'Cuz I'm what you want to be so you just look like an idiot when you say these mean things / Cuz it's too easy to see you're really just a big weenie. Big weenie.
Mark: Does anyone else thinks this sounds like an Eminem song written through the eyes of SpongeBob SquarePants? Big Weenie? More like Big Pussy. What the fuck happened to you?
RC: So, yeah, with that in mind, check out some of the witty quips that no doubt put Benzino in his place.
Eminem: You're droolin'. You have tooth decay. / Your mouth is open. You're disgusting / What the fuck you eat for lunch? A bunch of sweets or something? / What, you munch a bunch of Crunch 'N Munch? / You look like I sound like: singing about weenies.
RC: Uh… Shots fired?
Mark: Yeah, I guess, but who did this song hurt more? First of all, this song is wack as hell. And secondly, it's Eminem dissing someone we really shouldn't care about in the first place. It's like when he wasted time dissing ICP [Insane Clown Posse] on his second album! Get the fuck over it!
RC: I know a lot of people like this song,and it sounds all sentimental and stuff, and some lyrics are really bittersweet.
Eminem: (blandly)It's funny I remember back one year when daddy had no money Mommy wrapped the Christmas presents up And stuck 'em under the tree and said some of 'em were from me
RC: But I'm sorry, but I still expect some modicum of lyrical dexterity or at least a flow that sounds like it took time to craft, and here, he sounds like he just wrote a midnight confessional and any rhyming that happened was purely coincidental
Eminem: And it seemed like everything was just startin' to fall apart Mom and dad was arguin' a lot so momma moved back On the Chalmers in the flat one bedroom apartment And dad moved back to the other side of 8 Mile on Novara
RC: And seriously, listen to this vocal delivery and tell me it wasn't recorded at 4 in the morning
Eminem: We did not plan it to be this way, your mother and me But things have gotten so bad between us I don't see us ever being together ever again Like we used to be when we were teenagers But then of course everything always happens for a reason I guess it was never meant to be But it's just something we have no control over and that's what destiny is
RC: The pure lackluster delivery murders this song's sentimental tone. Also…
Eminem: (singing rather badly) "I know momma's not HERE RIGHT NOW, AND WE DON'T KNOW WHY"
RC: Couldn't you get… ANYONE to sing these choruses for you? Like, it was endearing on "Hailie's Song", but now it's getting painful
Mark: I didn't like any of these Hailie songs, myself. I hate to sound unsympathetic to Em's plite, but I just never cared. And you know she couldn't possibly like them either, especially as she gets older. These songs are the rap equvillent of showing embarrassing baby photos to dinner guests
4. Rain Man:
"Song intro, *fart noise at the beginning*
Mark: You know, I think I found the inspiration for that South Park episode where parents listen to their kids music and it sounds like nothing but shit noises
RC: An appropriate sound for this song, though, because this is the one song off of Encore with absolutely NO irredeemable value: there's no main theme or point, it's just him farting around for 4 minutes, unfiltered and with no structure or purpose. His flow is as stilted as ever, and his rhymes are aren't even laughably bad, because that would imply that you could possibly squeeze a quantifiable amount of enjoyment out of this waste of studio money
Eminem: Listen to shit now cause I won't stand for this And Chirs-stiff-pher Reeves won't sit for this neither And let's clear this up too I ain't got no beef with him either He used to be like a hero to me I even believe I, had one of those 25 cent stickers on my re--frigerator
Cause I ain't got no legs! Or no brain, nice to meet you Hi, my name is... I forgot my name!
In football the quarterback yells out hutt-hutt While he reaches in another grown man's ass *Mues, rubbing his head in disgust* Grabs on his nuts but just what if It was never meant it was just an accident But he tripped, fell, slipped and his penis went in His teeny tiny little round hiney *RC, Looking down, sucking teeth in anger* But he didn't mean it But his little weenie flinched just a little bit
Mark: No more sarcasm, guys. I just have to say it straight out: *quieted anger* This, is not, fucking, funny. It isn't offensive. It isn't conterversial. This is unexceptable
Eminem: And I don't gotta make no god damn sense I just did a whole song and I didn't say shit
Mark: Aw! But see, it's COMPLETELY OKAY because I ACKNOWLEDGED HOW POINTLESS IT WAS!!!
RC: Yeah, by the end of the Encore album, you will wish death upon the bastard who invented the concept of "self-referential humor"
3. Just Lose It
RC: I already did my review of it, so honestly, I refuse to listen to it again for the purpose of reiterating my disgust for it. You wanna hear what I had to say, go watch that review
RC: I'm serious. YOU talk about it, I'm not coin' this again *gets up*
Mark: Oh, okay... *he improvises a quick review*
RC: *After he's done* Ah, okay, I'm back. You're done, right?
Mark: Yep. You don't have to listen to any part of that song now
RC: Oh, thank Go-- *Mark plays laugh from the song*… I don't like you...
2. Ass Like That
RC: Okay, now this song was yet another dis track, this time to Triumph the Insult Comic dog. That's right: the rapper who could be contending for best rapper alive made a dis track to a puppet. This was an embarrassing time to be an Eminem fan
Mark: But wait: Triumph the Insult Comic dog is IN the video! That's his voice! So did they, like, make up or something?
RC: I don't care if this feud was real or fake: the point is, some publicity battle resulted in this annoying excuse for a song
Mark: Yeah, remember how "Just Lose It" had random parts about pedophelia? Well, apparently that was just so fucking hilarious, he had a WHOLE FUCKING SONG dedicated to statutory rape…
Eminem: "you make my pee pee go Doing, doing, doing"
RC: My pee-pee?
Mark: And if that isn't enough, he's going to piss on girls too, because, ya know, that's what the song was truly missing all along...
Eminem: I just like to pee, pee, pee Yes, I make r&b, I sing song it go Ring-a-chong, a-ching-chong-chong-chong-ching
Mark: Because… R. Kelly, and stuff. I mean, it has absolutely nothing to do with Triumph the insult comic dog, but it was 2004, so…i guess you had to be there...
Eminem: For I am Triumph, the puppet dog, I am a mere puppet I can get away with anything I sing, you will love it
RC: So, you're rip on the voice behind Triumph is that people let him get away with saying offensive things because he's hiding behind the puppet? WEll, couldn't you make the argument that YOUR fans are letting you get away with saying offensive things just because you hide behind the alter ego of an angry rapper? I mean, I'm still a fan, but dude, don't be a hypocrite
Eminem: I am Triumph, Britney Spears has shoulders like a man And I can say that and you'll laugh cuz that is a puppet on my hand
Mark: How do you not see the irony in judging someone because they take cheap shots at celebrities? Have you not heard… every lead single of every one of your albums?
Eminem: Get to the chopper, everybody get out I am not Triumph, I am Arnold, get down
Mark: And… Arnold Schwarzenegger reference… because… 2003 California election…you know what, fuck it, I can't make excuses for this anymore
RC: So yeah, this song is crap, it's reprehensible, and completely inexcusable as the guy who once brought us "The Way I Am" and "Stan", but my friends… NOTHING can prepare you for this number one song. Nothing
Mark: I want you to imagine, if you will, someone who, in late 2005, is trying to get into Eminem's music, but doesn't know where to start. So, he's at a record shop, and he sees Eminem's name, but he doesn't know which album to buy, so he takes a safe bet and goes with his greatest hits album, "Curtain Call". So he takes it home and pops the CD in. And, imagine you are that person, and the very first track you hear, before "Lose Yourself", before "Stan", before "Sing For the Moment", before even "The Real Slim Shady", the very first impression that you get of Eminem is a previously unreleased song called:
Eminem: Fack fack faaaack, Fuck I am, I am I'm going to cum, I'm cumming
Oh ohh fack I'm gonna fucking cum *spurting sound*
I'm so fucking hot and your so fuckin hot Oh my God I wanna facking fack, No, not fuck, I said fack
*part where Eminem mumbles*
Ah Your finger just went in my ass'
Now See that gerbil, Grab that tube Shove it up my butt, Let that little rascal nibble on my asshole
Mark: Dude, I don't know what the fuck to say about this. But after hearing this, people stopped saying "Eminem, please come back". I know for me personally, after I heard this, my response was, "Eminem, go away. Get lost. Don't call. Don't write. Leave. And never come back."
RC: I mean, what the hell was the point of this song? The whole thing is based around a sexual activity that NOBODY did. He might as well have made a song about "Rainbow Parties". *show the book cover*. I mean, who the hell was this song supposed to be for? It only serves to highlight a gross sexual activity that people of course accused homosexuals of doing, because, hey, they're the demographic you could still pick on in the early 2000's without worrying about losing any money
Eminem: Shove a gerbil in your ass Through a tube Shove a gerbil in your ass Through a tube
RC: Are we supposed to be singing along with this? Because… no
Mark: This is absolute trash, with no redeeming quality whatsofucking ever. There should have never come a day where I would take listening to an Insane Clown Posse song over an Eminem song, but this is that fucking day
RC: Now, some fans like to use the excuse that he was on drugs
Mark: *cuts RC off* "On drugs" my ass. "Puke" was made while on drugs. "Rain Man" was made while on drugs. The only possible excuse there can be for a song like this to come from any being of sentient thought is that that person has in mind the specific intention of eliciting pure, unadulterated disgust and hatred from anyone listening. In other words; attempted career suicide. And unfortunately for us, you managed to fuck that up too