Top 11 F*ckups
September 1st, 2009
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. As you all know, I am a perfect god among men who makes absolutely no mistakes whatsoever. Why?
Pictures of scientists investigating things along with various machinary sounds.
NC (Voiceover): Because I have a crack team of researchers and scientists who make sure that every single, solitary thing I put in my video is absolutely perfect. (chuckles) Not that I need them, being the messiah that I am, but even I like to be sure that everything is absolutely per...
There is sudden static in the video
NC: What? What was that?
The static continues to cut to a new character named Douchey McNitpick on the show who looks an awful lot like the Nostalgia Critic, except he has long, greasy black hair, large glasses, and a buttoned up white shirt.
Douchey: Hold it right there!
NC: Ugh! It's my most obnoxious fan, Douchey McNitpick.
Douchey: I've watched every single one of your videos 37 times and have a shitload of mistakes that you should be hanged for. HANGED for!
NC: OK, OK. As you probably guessed, I don't have a team of researchers and scientists who check over everything I do. It's all just me or the occasional onlooker. So, every once in a while, I make one or two little mistakes.
Douchey: (holds up a list) 35,670 to be exact!
NC: ALL RIGHT! So, to make up for all my little faults, what do you say we take a look back at all the times I messed something up.
Douchey: Let's, Nostalgia Critic! Let's!
NC: So, sit back and enjoy this laundry list of my greatest failures. This is the Top 11 Nostalgia Critic Muck-Ups.
Douchey: It's Fuck-Ups, you fuck-up!
NC: (very quietly) Thank you.
The opening sequence features a clip of Ren and Stimpy, with superimposed words, including "Stupid!", "Moron!", "Idiot!", "Dumb Ass!" "Nitwit!", "Bastard!", "Fool!" and "Goat Cheese!", etc. are shown, and then somehow meld themselves into new words. It also plays to the Weird Al song, Everything You Know is Wrong.
Each numbering of each entry includes the Critic saying the number and Douchey saying the entry.
NC (Voiceover): Number 11.
Douchey (Voiceover): The actors from Power Rangers didn't leave because of their race!
NC: (Voiceover) Although I sorta knew this to be true and was really making more of a joke about it, I said in my Power Rangers review that two of the actors left because the black boy was in a black suit and the Asian girl was in a yellow suit, which wasn't very PC. The actual leaving of the actors was NOT for that reason. In fact, the red ranger disappeared at this time as well. Why did they leave? I'm not really sure. Some say it was a money issue, others say it was because they weren't popular enough. I personally don't know, and to be honest, I don't really know why you would need an excuse to leave the show, but the one that I gave wasn't into it. However, I still think it was a little more than a coincidence that the black kid was put in a black suit and the asian kid was put in a yellow suit.
NC: It's like giving a Mexican Power Ranger a sombrero.
A picture of a Power Ranger toy, that is painted orange and given a sombrero.
NC: (Voiceover) It just doesn't seem right.
NC: So, again, apologies if anybody got the wrong idea.
Douchey: You should be water-bordered in cow urine.
NC: Shut up!
Douchey: You shut up!
NC (Voiceover): Number 10.
Douchey (Voiceover): The banshee isn't the scariest nostalgic moment, ya frickin' idiot!
NC (Voiceover): Again, thanks for the comment. Now, to be fair, this was the VERY FIRST Top 11 List I ever did, so it only makes sense that it wouldn't be necessarily the best. I put the banshee from Darby O'Gill and the Little People as Number 1 because it really did scare the shit out of me, and still kinda does.
NC: I just wet myself right now, it's that scary.
NC (Voiceover): But the more I look at it, the more I realize it IS a pretty cheap effect. If you didn't see the movie, like a lot of people did, you didn't have any time to let the atmosphere build up, which I think is a big part of it. It probably would've been wiser to put Willy Wonka's demon tunnel at Number 1, and then maybe throw the Wheelers in from Return to Oz in the other spot. But I don't care. I still find this bitch scary, even if no one else does. Still, I should've thought more about it and what would be universally scary as opposed to what just scares me. If I just went by what scares me, half the Pauly Shore movies would probably be on this list. Not one of my better picks, but just keep in mind that it was quite literally my first pick.
Kuni (from UHF, played by Gedde Watanabe): STUPID! YOU'RE SO STUPID!
NC (Voiceover): Number 9.
Douchey (Voiceover): Why were you wearing eyeliner in the Superman countdown?
NC: (Voiceover) This is one of my more embarrasing fuck ups. I actually filmed this review right after I filmed ANOTHER certain sketch.
NC: A certain sketch that will never be named again!
The theme from Melvin, Brother of the Joker is played
NC: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! At least play a different song!
NC: (Voiceover) So, yeah, I thought I got all the makeup off from that sketch, but obviously a dozen emails saying I look like a goth drag show proved me wrong. So I had to do the whole review looking like a pussy, end of story.
NC: I mean it's not like I walk around wearing other women's apparel all the time.
A picture of the Critic's head pasted onto Marilyn Monroe's body
NC: Douchey! WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?
Douchey: From my deepest hate of you. I also have a picture of you kissing Divine and doing the can-can with Hitler. Look! He's doing the can-can with Hitler. Ah ha ha ha ha ha! I'm funny. Ah ha ha ha ha ha!
NC: I really hate you.
NC (Voiceover): Number 8.
Douchey (Voiceover): Those weren't all Drew Struzan posters!
NC: (voiceover) Yeah. It's pretty bad when a tribute to someone's work doesn't have a good chunk of their work. For example, this Star Wars poster wasn't his, and neither was this one for Follow that Bird. This and a couple of others were actually done by Steven Chorney, who's also a wonderful artist working in that same sort of Struzan style. In fact, I found out that he actually IS often mistaken for Drew Struzan. So you can understand the messup. It's good work, though. If you don't know his stuff, definitely check out his website (StevenChorney.com). It really kicks ass. With me saying it was Drew Struzan, however, it was just another one of my fuck-ups. But to be fair, Drew Struzan himself sent me an e-mail—I'm dead serious about this—and said that most people that do interviews or stories about him always get the wrong posters. He also said, if anything, I was one of the closest he's ever seen to getting them all right.
NC: So, (bites his thumb) UNH!
Man: You moron!
NC (Voiceover): Number 7.
Douchey (Voiceover): The secret passage way in Bebe's Kids isn't impossible!
NC: (Voiceover) Now this one I will always defend, because I don't think I was wrong on this.
NC: If you don't remember the bit, here's how it went.
Past NC: Well, apparently, going to the left side of the bookcase drops you off in one room and going to the right side of the bookcase drops you off in another. THAT'S JUST IM-POSSIBLE! I mean, THINK about it! If a bookcase opens up, it spins around in a circle, so that means that there can only be one room, because if there's a wall separating the two rooms, the bookcase wouldn't open!
NC (Voiceover): Now, a lot of people have told me it CAN open up and lead to two different rooms if the wall dividing the two rooms stops at just where the bookcase stops turning.
NC: True, but here's my argument.
NC (voiceover): If the wall only goes that far, then technically you could just turn the bookcase back a bit, and easily squeeze into the other room, meaning you're NOT just limited to where the bookcase leads you. The only way you couldn't get through this room is if you were the size of a hippo or something. And you're not. You're the size of a fucking little kid. So, in my opinion, this still makes no sense.
NC: I fucked up? No! (deep, warped voice) YOU FUCKED UP!
NC (Voiceover): (normal voice) But to the credit of those who complained about this, I guess I could say that MAYBE I could've explained it a little better, and that technically can count as a fuck-up, then.
NC: That's a horrible game anyway, so who gives a shit?
Douchey: I do! If I can't trust an internet celebrity who watches cartoons and shouts obscenities, then who can I trust?
NC: People with some expertise?
NC (Voiceover): Number 6.
Douchey (Voiceover): That was a forklift in Barb Wire, not a bulldozer!
NC (Voiceover): Yes, this is one of my more obvious mistakes. You don't have to be a construction worker to know the difference between a goddamn bulldozer and a forklift. Yet for some reason, I in fact did call a fortlift, a bulldozer. I don't know what I was thinking, it's so obviously a forklift. How could I get that wrong?
Past NC (mocking the villain in the movie): Ha ha ha ha ha ha! A bulldozer! I'm driving a bulldozer! Hoo hoo hoo hoo!
NC (Voiceover): Plus as many people pointed out, it forced me to leave out probably one of the most obvious jokes I ever could have put in a review.
"He tried to kill me with a forklift!" from MST3K
NC (Voiceover): It wouldn't be so bad if I just said it once, except for the fact I said it over and over again.
Past NC: A bulldozer! Bulldozer? Bulldozer. I'm driving a Bulldozer!
NC (Voiceover): So obviously, I couldn't just say it with a slip of a tongue, my tongue would be more slippery than a banana peel skating on greasy black ice.
Douchey: That was forced.
NC: SHUT UP!
Douchey: You shut up!
NC and Douchey yell and give swearing gestures to each other.
NC: Next number!
NC (Voiceover): Number 5.
Douchey (Voiceover): That wasn't Art Carney in Last Action Hero!
NC (Voiceover): Now, some of you might not even know what I'm talking about. First of all, he WAS in Last Action Hero, wasn't he? He's the guy dies before he gets blown up. A little redundant, but whatever. Well that's not what I said when I first did the review. Somehow I got it mixed up and thought that the actor who played that theater custodian was Art Carney and the other guy was someone else. When in fact the actor's real name was Robert Prosky. And of course, this is the guy Art Carney played. Now, I actually caught this mistake fairly early on and actually switched the names around before I sent it out to be posted. But the switchings of the name was pretty obvious.
The Audio from the Last Action hero review is played. The italicized words are the ones patched up by NC with the original audio. The words have totally different tone from the original audio.
Past NC (Voiceover): Danny's friend, who's a projectionist at the movie theater, played by Robert Prosky. Prosky offers him an advance screening. Danny heads to at the movie theater where Prosky is waiting. Kid has an amazing adventure, reunites with the Prosky character.
NC: Well, luckily I'll never do something like that again. I mean I'm never gonna mistake Robert Prosky for someone like Art Carney ever again.
Douchey: But wait a minute! I was the first person to see that review because I waited till 3 AM to watch it. And I heard you saying Art Carney!
NC: Suck. It.
NC (Voiceover): Actually, he's right. Because for a whole entire day, the wrong version was out. So thousands of people constantly heard me calling the wrong guy Art Carney over and over and over. But in all honesty, this wasn't my fault. I send the corrected version in but the person who was posting videos at that time accidentally posted the wrong one.
Happy-looking Mike Ellis is sitting next to NC.
NC: And the person who posted that review is Mike Ellis. Now Mike Ellis has done lot for the site and he's a lot behind the scenes stuff and technical stuff. But, nevertheless, he made a mistake. (Looking at Mike Ellis) So, do you have anything to say, man?
Mike Ellis: I certainly do. I was new with putting videos up and you can't blame me for making a mistake every once in a while. So, for what it's worth, I do apologize.
NC: There now. You see? There's no problem too big that can't be solved by a humble apology. Unfortunately, that apology wasn't good enough.
NC grabs Mike's head and bangs it onto his desk. Mike bleeds and cries in pain.
NC: APOLOGIZE AGAIN!
Mike Ellis (sobbing): I'm sorry!
NC bangs Mike's head again to the desk.
NC: APOLOGIZE AGAIN!
Mike Ellis: I'm sorry!
NC bangs Mike's head on the desk again, then pushes Mike away. Mike disappears under the NC's desk. He kicks Mike several times. Mike cries harder.
NC: NOW LICK MY FEET! LICK MY FEET!
NC pulls out his pistol and starts beating Mike ruthlessly who is still under the desk.
NC: Now clean up your own blood!
Mike Ellis: OK...
NC (Voiceover): Well, water under the bridge. A mistake that didn't last long but certainly last a long impression.
Mike whines under the desk. NC kicks him to quiet him down.
NC (Voiceover): Number 4.
Douchey (Voiceover): Lizards DO eat fish, you big moron!
NC (Voiceover): Uh-huh. This is from my Godzilla review. I pointed out that luring Godzilla with fish really didn't make any sense because lizards don't eat fish, they eat bugs! But after I heard there actually are some forms of lizards that do in fact eat fish, which of course makes my statement wrong. But really, does that excuse this horrible line?
Dr. Niko Tatopoulus: That's a lot of fish.
NC: I still don't get it!
Mike (Under NC's desk): Get what?
NC strikes Mike with his pistol.
NC: Nothing too much to really say about this one. I said lizards don't eat fish, they do, so let's move on.
Napoleon Dynamite (played by John Heder): Idiot!
NC (Voiceover): Number 3.
Douchey (Voiceover): How DARE you make fun of Mako, you ignorant bastard?!
NC (Voiceover): Yes, I'll never hear the end of THIS one. This all started with the TMNT review, which I like to point out everybody requested me to do and yet got really pissed off when I did it.
NC: Does my audience just have multiple personality disorder?
NC (Voiceover): Well, anyway. It got to the part where Splinter shows up, and I simply didn't think his voice matched. It just sounded way too shaky for me, it wasn't like the Splinters I heard before.
Clip from the Red Sonja review: Picture of Mako is shown while the comments of angry viewers are displayed.
Comment 1: "You don't mess with Mako, Mother fucker."
Comment 2: "Leave Mako alone, he is the Man!"
Comment 3: " You should crucify your privates for making fun of Mako!"
NC (Voiceover): Well, this started an outrage from Mako fans. I didn't know who the guy was but I quickly found out. Apparently, he's an incredibly beloved actor, having been nominated for an Oscar and doing constant voiceover work in the hit show Avatar [The Last Airbender]. It also didn't help that the guy died from esophageal cancer and I made a freaking cigarette joke in the review.
Subtitle: From TMNT Review
Past NC despairs when he hears Mako's voice acting.
Past NC (Voiceover): Oh, God. What did they do to Splinter's voice? He sounds like Mr. Miyagi if he smoked a million Marlboros.
Past NC mimics Mako's voice and says gibberish. Current NC nervously laughs adjusts his tie.
NC (Voiceover): I actually posted a video explaining that I had no intention of insulting the guy and even joked about it in my Sidekicks review. I guess some good came out of it. But the damage was done and the message was clear. Nobody fucks with Mako.
Jesus Quintana (from The Big Lebowski): You said it, man.
NC (voiceover): Number 2.
Douchey (Voiceover): Your constant spelling mistakes, jackass!
NC's past spelling mistakes are shown during NC's voiceover such as "So I have to do the whole review like this. It blows monkies!" and "Apologies to Jamacans EVERYWHERE!".
NC (Voiceover): Yes, if you watch my videos, you may notice a pattern that there's a lot of spelling mistakes.
NC: It's sorta like if you cross a dyslexic with a complete idiot.
NC (Voiceover): I do my best to try to correct my many spelling errors, but no matter how hard I try, they keep getting through. I especially love the one at the end of A Kid in King Arthur's Court. I smashed my head to make myself forget about the horrible movie and then misspelled one of the words in the credits.
NC's past spelling mistakes: A Kid in King Arthur's Court is oqned by Disney
NC (Voiceover): A lot of people thought this was part of the joke, that I smashed my head so hard that I got the spelling wrong.
NC: Uh... yeah, that was it.
NC (Voiceover): But my other spelling errors proved me wrong. There's even an incident where I spell my OWN NAME, Nostalgia Critic, wrong.
NC's past spelling mistakes: A Nostaglia Critic Production
NC (Voiceover): That, is inexcusable.
NC: I SUCK!
NC (Voiceover): I almost thought about making it a contest whoever spots the first spelling error in every future review would get a fucking Xbox. The only downside is there wouldn't be enough Xbox in the world to give out. What can I say? I'm not a bad writer, I'm just a piss poor editor.
Winston Zeddemore (from Ghostbusters): That was really stupid!
NC (Voiceover): And the number 1 Nostalgia Critic Fuckup is...
Douchey (Voiceover): How could you not put Optimus Prime in the Top 11 Saddest Nostalgic Moments? You're the devil!
NC (Voiceover): This is gonna haunt me 'till the day I die. When I did the Top 11 Saddest Nostalgia Moments, I left off what many considered to be the saddest one of all time, the death of Optimus Prime from the Transformers Movie.
Douchey: How could you, you ignorant ass?!
NC: Well, it's just a...
Douchey: He died for your sins!
NC: Well, I kind of...
Douchey: You're going to hell!
NC: No, I mean...
NC (pause): Let me explain.
NC (Voiceover): You see, I never actually saw the Transformer Movie in theaters. I didn't even know there WAS one until I was a freshman in high school. By that time I wasn't really in the Transformers much anymore, but a friend of mine forced me to watch it anyway. When Optimus Prime died, I thought it was more weird than it was tragic. In fact, the whole film is a bloodbath. Or... oil bath, whatever you wanna call it. I mean, everyone seems to die. It's like it was the theme of the movie or something. Live life and then fucking die! The end! Buy our products!
NC: So I guess it never really left an impression as much as just left me confused. However, it definitely left an impression with other fans. And they were certain to let me know about it. I felt so bad for leaving it out that in my next review, I turned Optimus Prime into Jesus Christ. Now give me credit! That was nice of me.
Optimus Prime: Remember, I died for your sins.
NC (Voiceover): But people still to this day can't believe that I made such a huge mistake.
Various footages of people protesting
NC (Voiceover): There were protests in the streets, nations went to war, it tore the world apart. Clearly, there was only one possible thing I could do.
NC: To give the situation the dignity that it deserves, I hired one of the greatest generals to read the notable apology that I personally wrote.
Subtitle: Optimus Prime Memorial Service.
Patton (apologizing to his troops after the "slapping" incident): Now, I freely admit that my method was wrong, but I hope you can understand my motive. And that you will accept this explanation... and this... apology.
NC: I know that looks like a clip from Patton but... It wasn't.
NC (Voiceover): Optimus, dear Optimus. Can you ever forgive me?
Optimus Prime: I died for your sins.
NC: And clearly, I will only die for mine.
Footage of the past mistakes of NC is shown while Everything You Know is Wrong is played.
NC (Voiceover): So, that about does it. I made a lot of mistakes in the past and I'm sure to make lot more of them in the future.
NC: And as always, if I ever make a mistake, don't ever be afraid to bring it up. It's the only way I'll learn. Just don't be a Grade-A asshole like Douchey McNitpick here!
Douchey: You forgot to mention that the guy who sang in How the Grinch Stole Christmas did sing in the Haunted Mansion...
NC who cannot take this any longer pulls out his gun and goes offscreen to take care of Douchey.
NC: Oh, that's it! I'm coming over! I'll fucking whoop ya!
Douchey: Ha! Well, that, too, would be physically impossible! How could you find me if you don't even know where I live?
Sound of windows being broken can be heard.
Douchey: Oh, shit, shit! Oh, my god! Oh, my god!
A shocked Douchey goes offscreen. Then we hear NC firing his pistol while fighting with Douchey.
NC (Offscreen): Come here! You fucking little dick cheese! Don't run! Don't run! I wanna be a friend! I will make you clean up your own blood!
Douchey (Voiceover, overlapping NC): Aaah! Ow! Aaaah! No! Wreak! Please don't kill me!
In the credits, a deliberate f*ckup by Nostalgia Critic is shown: Sorry for all the mistakes I've maid.
Douchey (Voiceover): Made is spelled wrong!
A gunshot is heard.
Douchey (Voiceover): Ow!
Blooper: Douchey is sitting in front of his computer.
Douchey: Oh, shit, shit, shit, shit! Oh, my god!
Douchey goes offscreen to fight NC.
Douchey (Offscreen): Please don't hurt me! Please don't hurt--!
Douchey trips offscreen.
Doug Walker (Offscreen, laughing): Ow! Fuck! I hurt myself. God dammit!