Linkara: Hello, and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. Well, 2009 is drawing to a close. While admittedly this show started in 2008, the majority of the episodes were in 2009, so I can't help but feel nostalgic of the fact that I've actually had this show going on for well over a year.
(A montage of shots of comics that Linkara reviewed over the last year or so is shown)
Linkara (v/o): It's been a long ride, and I've been amazed at the amount of people who actually like this weird Minnesotan comic book nerd. But as I look back at all these episodes, I have to kick myself here and there, since there were some damn good joke opportunities that I just didn't catch or were pointed out to me later.
Linkara: Well, no longer! To close out 2009, we're gonna right the wrongs and make proper jokes! This is the Top 15 Missed Opportunities of Atop the Fourth Wall!
(A montage of clips of Linkara's past episodes are shown, set to Frank Sinatra's "My Way", before showing the title for this; this will be the interlude footage throughout the video; cut then to AT4W opening titles)
Linkara: Actually, I've got a couple here for this one. See, even I knew the length of the video was getting ridiculous, so I had to skip over a whole bunch of stuff in order to end it as quickly as I could. Rather an apt metaphor for the Clone Saga, actually.
Linkara (v/o): Before Spidey and the Clone Gwen go to the Daily Bugle, they head over to the Jackal's lab. Here, they meet a giant, floating, hologrammatic head of the Jackal.
Jackal: You've made a big mistake breaking in here!
Linkara:(as Jackal) I was just in the middle of assembling five teenagers with attitude!
Spider-Man: Seems like we've triggered an automatic security system! Gwen... get out of here!! She's safe.
Linkara:(as Spider-Man, pretending to push something) Here, let me just shove your completely freakish, eyeless body into a wall! That'll keep you safe!
Linkara (v/o): For that matter, this brief fight scene is yet more pointless padding to the whole thing. Another fight scene added in, because this was supposed to be some big finale, when all it did was waste our time. Anyway, another scene is where Spidercide and the Jackal are fighting inside the Daily Bugle. The Jackal, evidently keeping a gun under his coat – don't ask – dissolves the wall and they fall out the window!
Linkara:(listlessly, his head cradled on his hand) No, please, stop, you have so much to live for, live, dammit, live, you've never given up on anything before, oh, I can't look, please, think of the children, oh, the humanity.
Linkara (v/o): As Lauren unlocks the door, a shadow puppet appears from nowhere.
Lauren:(narrating) But... what have I unleashed from Whately's corpse?
Linkara:(frustrated)WHO THE HELL IS WHATELY?!?!
(Cut to a shot of the poster for the movie version of The Dunwich Horror)
Linkara (v/o): Well, apparently, Whately, pronounced "wait-ly", is actually a character from H.P. Lovecraft's "The Dunwich Horror". Let's ignore for a second that this is "Silent Hill" and not Lovecraft.
(Cut to a shot of the antagonist in the story)
Linkara (v/o): Let's instead point out that the big villain in your horror story is based on a guy who didn't even get defeated by the heroes, but by the freaking guard dog, without us actually seeing it either!
Linkara: But that's assuming he's supposed to be a reference to Whately. But I have a hard time believing that anybody gave this story a second thought, outside of (dopey voice) "Duuhhh, let that Christabella use the F-word more often! That's scary!"
Linkara (v/o): Yes, not only do they have their eyes tightly shut, but their mouths are clamped firmly down, even though there are both speech bubbles and caption boxes that indicate that people should be talking. The speech bubble for the news announcer doesn't even have an arrow connecting it to him. For all we know, they're just putting Bob Squarebody there on the screen while he took some NyQuil and someone else is trying to make it look like they're actually talking.
(Linkara is seen sitting with his eyes closed, while a news announcer's voice is heard offscreen, presumably Linkara's own voice)
News announcer: In the weather today, a cold front is moving in through the north and generally making things unpleasant. (Linkara starts to fall over) In other news, celebrities embarrass themselves by being utter incompetence when it came to their sex lives, and somehow, gossip about rich people qualifies as news that you need to be concerned with. (Linkara falls over completely) In the world of sports...
(Cut to Linkara's review for this comic, starting with a shot of the cover)
Linkara (v/o): In the comment section for this one, it was pointed out to me that I missed a great chance to make fun of the Mr. T comic because of a letter column. The publisher, Now Comics, actually made up letters for the column! I hadn't noticed since, after the "Doom's IV" incident, I never wanted to check letter columns again. Well, in preparation for this review, I went back to find the letter column and...
(Cut to a shot of other Now Comics advertised in the Mr. T comic)
Linkara (v/o): ...it's not there. Seriously, it's just an advertisement for other Now Comics. Maybe mine's a reprint or something, but that irritates me! I could've made so many jokes out of that!
Linkara: As a consolation prize, though, enjoy the letter column for "Mr. T and the T-Force #4".
(Cut to a page showing this column, labeled as "T-Time")
Linkara (v/o): Now, the laughable part about this are referencing "Mr. T and the T-Force #3". The problem is that comic books are usually completed months in advance of when they come out, and while there was indeed a three-month delay between issues 1 and 2, it's highly unlikely they were actually able to squeeze it in there when the others came out from month to month. As a result, let's enjoy the madness.
Letter #1:(Linkara reading) The art was super, and I love the message that it sends about drugs.
(Cut to a panel from "Mr. T and the T-Force #1", where Mr. T proclaims...)
Mr. T: It's a crack baby... fool!
(Cut back to the letters)
Letter #2: When I saw Mr. T on the Home Shopping Club selling his first issue, I loved what he said about not using any weapons in his comic...
Linkara: Yes, coercion and blackmail are the real weapons to use, kids!
Letter #3: Issue 3 of MR. T AND THE T-FORCE was T-RIFFIC!
Linkara: I suddenly understand why some publishers have stopped printing letter columns.
Letter #3: Not only was it packed full of (Linkara's voice turns dramatic as the following words pop up) POWERHOUSE EXCITEMENT, but when I was done reading it, I learned that this comic is teaching people to do something useful with themselves instead of fighting!
Linkara: I would just like to point out that Mr. T is perfectly willing to use violence to beat up drug dealers and smash cars.
Letter #4: Dear T-Force: I wanted to know if Mr. T has any super-powers...
Response to letter #4: No. Mr. T has no super-powers. In fact, he's just a regular person like you or me. Rather than relying on super-powers, he relies on the T-Force...
Linkara:(as this letter responder) Which we haven't really explained what that is, but it's totally not a super-power.
Response to letter #4: ...the communicator watches...
(Suddenly, Linkara's watch beeps to the Power Rangers theme and he answers it)
Linkara: Yes, Zordon, I'm on my way to the command center now!
Response to letter #4: ...and his trusty vid-cam. Rather than having super-strength, Mr. T uses his head to get him out of tricky situations.
(Linkara smirks, then snaps his fingers, showing a quick montage of the Mr. T Superpower Count, going up to 8)