Linkara: Hello and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall: Where Bad Comics Burn. Aaah, 2014 is coming to a close, my friends. AND THANK FRICKIN' GOD IT IS! THIS YEAR SUCKED BALLS AND I'M GLAD WE CAN WIPE OUR HANDS CLEAN OF IT! I DON'T CARE IF I'VE SUNG THIS SONG BEFORE, I'M DOING IT AGAIN!
(sings) Maybe this year will be better than the last!
Linkara (v/o): And what has happened in this glorious year of ours? Well, I concluded several series I've been looking at for years including Marville, S.C.I. Spy, Kamandi: At Earth's End, and The Thing From Another World.
Linkara: Surprise! They were all terrible!
Linkara (v/o): I've failed to find Lord Vyce, but I did find the King of Worms, or rather he found me and replaced half of my staff with robots.
Linkara: The other half were already robots.
Linkara (v/o): I finally reviewed Red Hood and the Outlaws, I learned the best ways to survive a zombie apocalypse from the Center of Disease Control, I covered movie adaptations from Xanadu to the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers Movie.
Linkara: Both of which featured a rainbow color scheme, awesome music choices, and roller skating. Separated at birth? You make the call!
Linkara (v/o): I went on an adventure that broke the rules of time and space, broke my sanity with Jello-themed adventures, and broke my rule about reviewing Sonic comics. I celebrated my 300th Episode of the show before any of my fellow Channel Awesome producers.
Linkara: But maybe if you guys became comic-book-reading shut-ins without social lives or prospects like me, you'd have gotten there by now, too.... Why do I suddenly feel really sad?
Linkara (v/o): I put out two DVD's, I fought my mirror duplicate, and I said farewell to a friend that I kind of screwed over originally. I finally started my own website, Channelawesome.com finally launched, hell, I've started my own Patreon and got called a scammer for it. I'm a scammer because... um, I did what I said I would do.
Linkara: Yeah, I'm such a scammer that I took that quote saying I was a scammer and put it on the back of the DVD that I promised I'd make. 2014 is the year where words have lost all meaning and we just make up what they mean to suit our purposes. Indigo Laffy Taffy.
Linkara (v/o): Although, I think we can all agree that the most important thing that I did this year was that I contributed to Twitch Plays Pokemon! PRAISE DOME! STRENGTH AND UNITY!! UNITY AND DOME-OCRACY!! ALL HAIL FLAREON!!
(Static; cut to technical difficulties sign, a cartoon of Linkara in the restraint room wearing a straight jacket; static)
Linkara: Uh, clearly I went a little insane there. You can all just ignore that.
Linkara (v/o): Anyhow, it's been a long year and an even longer 6 years. That's a lot of bad comics. And as such, I decided to look back at the crap and pick out the 15 worst of them.
Linkara: SPOILERS! Holy Terror is the worst comic I've ever reviewed! Sorry, but I think it's pretty obvious in that regard. And, as such, because it is so obvious, I'm taking it off the table. I want to have SOME surprise in this list.
Linkara (v/o): However, "Top 15 Worst Comics I've Reviewed (Aside from Holy Terror)" is not that spiffy a title, so pardon me if this episode's description is misleading in that regard. We're also laying down a few more rules for this list. I mean, let's face it, if I didn't, every issue of Marville would be in the Top 10. Basically that means any multiple issues of a series only gets one horrible issue to be its representative and I'll justify why that one over others. Some of these are probably going to confuse people, since my rage during the episode doesn't reflect how I feel about them now. I should note that I'm judging these not only by how much anger they inspired in me, but also just from a narrative standpoint and how utterly confusing and baffling they are, how nobody would be able to understand it just picking it up and reading it. It's not just worse because they're infuriating, they're worse because I don't understand anyone else figuring them out either.
Linkara: And if you're upset about this essentially being a clip show. (chuckling while taking off his glasses) Last week I had two Christmases with my family, a regular episode, the Channel Awesome holiday video, a live stream, and three History of Power Rangers videos. You'll forgive me if I don't feel like hunting down a crappy New Years comic.
Linkara (v/o): There may also be concerns that, with as many episodes as I've done and how busy I've been this year and even more busy next year, I may just lose the flame of doing this or exhaust myself to death. Rest assured, none of you need worry about me burning out, because I don't burn out. I set more things on fire.
Linkara: So, let's check out the cream of the crap, put the putrid on a pedestal. These are my Top 15 Worst Comics I've Ever Reviewed.
(Titles w/ music set to Michael Jackson's Bad and Intro )
Number 15: Santa the Barbarian Edit
Linkara: Yeah, it might seem a little odd that I'm still talking about this after last week, but that's the reason why it's number 15. I cannot begin to tell you how awful this thing is!
Linkara (v/o): Santa the Barbarian is one of the most incomprehensible stories ever made, ostensibly inspired by what was barely a joke from a Rob Liefeld trading card for Wizard Magazine. And as a joke, it's only funny in that its existence is so laughably terrible. The plot makes no sense, even as a dark comedy or in a surreal kind of way. Santa is pissed that so many are naughty and goes off and kills some people whose crimes are unknown to us, well, except for maybe this guy, whom many suspect is supposed to be Hitler.
Linkara: And their suspicions would be right from the looks of it. So, there's a plus we can give to Santa the Barbarian, kills Hitler... and a bunch of other people.
Linkara (v/o): And then there's the second part, where the elves are protesting their unfair treatment and sweat shop conditions, despite the fact that the previous story indicated that there were only enough kids on the nice list to fit on a 3x5 card. How many toys could they be making? Is there a quota so each of these kids gets like 300 toys? Or do all the elves work in a coal mine? How much coal is there in the North Pole anyway? No robot fights so we don't know what happened there, or why the elves are delivering presents now instead of Santa, or what the exact complaints were. It's just violent, confusing, and stupid, full of references to Conan the Barbarian and half-hearted holiday jokes. That's not getting into the tongue thing. The first story is full of people sticking out their tongues for no reason. Why? You'd think Jim Balent drew this thing with as many tongues they're sticking out. Was this the unofficial sequel to Catwoman: Guardian of Gotham or was this just that comic's reinterpretation of Mr. Freeze?
Linkara: Santa the Barbarian: ruining Christmas in every panel and God help us everyone.
Number 14: Superman at World's End Edit
Linkara (v/o): Some of you may be confused why this, one of the most often referenced on this show, would not be on the Top 10, but the answer is simple. As an Elseworld story, it has no connection to the actual continuity. Don't get me wrong, it's still terrible. It's just that instead of making any real difference for Superman's character, it's just a really awful story that doesn't know what it's doing and is throwing everything at the wall, while Superman punches chicken robots and proclaims how he's a man; because that is how you solve arguments. It's especially laughable when it's placed alongside what is essentially the moral of the story: Guns are bad. Guns don't solve anything, so just punch people; that resolves the issue, except for the fact that guns totally resolve the situation. So, your anti-gun message is drowned in the spent shell casings of guns that totally fixed everything when they killed the twin clones of Hitler.
Linkara: First two on the list and both involve Hitler and guys with big beards. Coincidence?
Linkara (v/o): Add on to that ridiculous stilted dialogue, bizarre proportions for human beings that make them indistinguishable from the mutations in it, the aforementioned twin clones of Hitler, and that this story is a sequel that nobody asked for to another horrible post-apocalyptic story, and you have recipe for a comic that I was more than happy to set on fire ... eventually.
Number 13: Future Five No. 1: Edit
Linkara (v/o): YOUR LIFE WILL NOT END IF YOU DON'T GO TO COLLEGE, PERIOD. Nor is college some kind of massive guarantee of a successful career, nor will you necessarily figure out what the hell you want to do with your life if you go to college.
Linkara: Or, you could always ask five lame superheroes about it, who will insist that if you don't go to college, you're an idiot being brain-washed by some asshole and you have no future.
Linkara (v/o): And thus, we have the craptacular PSA comic Future Five. Go to college and become a chef, or else you will work in fast food and only losers work there.
Linkara: Yes, let us shame those who just want to make a living for themselves. Thanks for insulting 3.6 million people.
Linkara (v/o): I especially love the bit that implies you have to have your life figured out by the age of 25, what you want your future to be like, and how your going to get there.
Linkara: Because I totally planned to be spending the rest of my life complaining about Sultry Teenage Super Foxes when I entered college.
Linkara (v/o): Wanna know what I was doing when I started college? Selling patio furniture and Christmas trees. The only reason I stopped after three years was because the store was closed down, after that Barnes and Noble.
Linkara: And I'm one of those bizarre abominations who liked working retail. Clearly, I was just under the control of a rich guy trying to take over the world.
Linkara (v/o): Oh, did I forget that part? Yeah, apparently, in the comic, this rich entrepreneur's ingenious plan to conquer Earth is to make people not go to college, become idiots, and therefore he will rule. Also, video games are a tool of evil too, according to this panel, which apparently "contains all the necessary tools to carry out his plans for complete and utter domination of the world."
(Cut to Linkara playing on his DSL. He looks up at the camera.)
Linkara: Hmm? We're still doing this? Sorry, I was in the middle of breeding Bulbasaurs in different Pokeballs to wonder trade them. That is the sole purpose of my existence now.
Linkara (v/o): Future Five: assuring that you will never afford the college that it wants you to go to, because it shames you out of trying to earn money.
Number 12: Youngblood No. 5 Edit
Linkara (v/o): Youngblood is the story of Rob Liefeld's attempt to convince us he has an original idea in his head and failing miserably at it. Ostensibly created as "a next generation of heroes," Youngblood's team members featured drab costumes, black hole crotches, impractical and stupid-looking guns, and lots of people opening their mouths wide enough to swallow their own fists. The idea was that they were superheroes who were also celebrities, which is demonstrated to us in one issue where they're talking briefly about toy-licensing for, like, a single page. The rest of it is shooting, killing things, poorly-rendered fight scenes, and never focusing on the actual main characters of the book because they're too busy introducing other derivative characters in the mix. But it's Issue No. 5 that deserves the most scorn out of this dreaded series. Okay, it's the big finale to your five-part, possibly six since I never read Issue 0, opening storyline. It's huge, homaging, Jack Kirbian with the concept of the new gods that he made for DC, which are totally not rip-offs. It's an homage. So how do you conclude it? Well, how about sticking that finale as the flip book of an entirely different comic, cutting down the length to about fifteen pages, make half of them splash pages and the other half no more than two or three panels? Don't have any backgrounds, just have Shaft narrating most of it without actually showing us most of the battle and then having your big villain be defeated by simply staring at him. Oh, and don't actually draw or write it, Rob. That's hard work. You gotta get to work on Blood Gun and Gun Blood and Gun Gun, your new group of characters.
Linkara: 'A' for effort. (beat) Or 'A' for ass which is where they pulled this thing from.
Number 11: The Culling Part 4: Teen Titans No. 9 Edit
Linkara (v/o): Ahh, my first foray into The New 52, and a perfect example of how misguided, badly-written and badly-drawn so much of it was. The Culling, a crossover between the Teen Titans and the Legion Lost, despite neither book being a year old against a new mysterious villain and his stupid, secret organization that kidnaps children for confusing and nonsensical reasons, but most especially to try to rip off The Hunger Games and Tron Legacy. Said crossover is a four-issue fight scene where there is little to no character interaction that actually advances those characters, kills off a character who had been brought over from Young Justice...
Linkara: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know that she existed in the DCU before, but not in that form. They were explicitly trying to make the Young Justice version of her, since, before that, she was an ADULT VILLAIN.
Linkara (v/o): The story is bad even as a fight scene, since it's sometimes confusing what's going on. Visually it's a strain on the eyes and the villain won't shut up about how clever he is, baffling the reader's brain as they try to understand why he needs these heroes if he's so much better than them. Part 4 was tied with Part 1 for a while in just how bad it is, with Part 1 initially having the edge because of its truly atrocious artwork and the aforementioned killing of Artemis, which was later undone in Teen Titans Annual Number 3, concluding the book and storyline in a tale that should have been called, "All of this was supposed to happen much later." However, Part 4 overtook the badness of Part 1 by being the finale to the story and nothing having been accomplished. Nobody's character is made any better by this experience, the fight with the main villain is not at all satisfying, and said villain escapes with only a minor setback to his stupid plan. Oh yes, and this was supposedly part of his plan, too.
(Yu Gi Oh! TAS)
Paradox: Yes, there was a little collateral damage, probably not important.
Linkara (v/o): It's also the start of the idiotically titled Ravagers book.
Linkara: Speaking of that, and our previous entry, Youngblood: yet another name better than Ravagers.
Linkara (v/o): The Culling: evidence that you can have a major crossover and a fight with your supposed main villain that in the end meant absolutely nothing.
Number 10: Raver No. 1 Edit
Linkara: Yeah, bit of a lesser known episode to be on this list. It's not like I bring it up or reference it or joke about it very often. But it's mostly because I have no idea what the hell happened in it.
Linkara (v/o): Best guess? Some dude called Norman has a superpower that only comes about when someone yells at him causing reality to warp around him.
Linkara: Norman soon learned to never discuss politics on the internet.
Linkara (v/o): During that warp, he becomes Raver, who has a different superpower in every warped reality. In this case, it happens because of a bullying kid breaking a cat statue so that the entire world has become a totalitarian dictatorship under the police control. Mind you, I only figured that out because I searched on the internet. The book itself never gives any backstory or explanation. And even then, there are random bits of dialogue sprinkled throughout the book that lack content or setup, implying that huge swats of the comic are missing. Also, we never learn why his name is Raver.
Linkara: I imagine his usual tactic for fighting supervillains is to go up to them with Glo Sticks and jump up and down in front of them.
Linkara (v/o): Raver, a comic so confusing you'd think Walter Koenig wrote it as Chekhov in Russian then used Google Translate to have it in English.
Number 9: Future Shock No. 1 Edit
Linkara (v/o): I thought for a bit about whether any of the movie adaptations I've reviewed deserve to be on this list. Afterall, it's really not the comic's fault that the movie is that bad. A-a-a-and then I remembered the worst adaptation I have ever seen. Future Shock is a bizarre anthology film featuring surreal stories of a paranoid woman, a meek guy being tormented by his new roommate, and a paranoid guy coming close to his own death. Tying this all together is a super duper machine that apparently screws with their heads, or blows them up as seen in the tacked-on beginning. Of course, if you had never seen the movie, you were confronted with an awful comic missing multiple scenes, but adding on an element of the psychiatrist wanting to use the machine to, you guessed it, take over the world.
Linkara: I would just like to say that I'm quite proud to be first producer on the new Channelawesome.com to use the M Bison clip and probably the first in a while to use it because this show is where memes and running jokes go to become zombies.
Linkara (v/o): An hour-and-a-half movie condensed to twelve pages in a serious attempt at said adaptation is insanity and makes the experience not surreal, but utterly confusing and head-scratching. Nothing makes sense, characters reference things that supposedly happened but we never see, and all that you're left with is a prevailing sense of "what the hell did I just read?" Future Shock: AKA diet Raver.
Number 8: Spiderman: One More Day Edit
Linkara (v/o): Yeah, you shouldn't be surprised to see this on the list, though probably not in the middle of it like it is. You all know my complaints about it: the story structure is awful, the narrative is full of holes and pointlessness, particularly concerning how difficult it is to heal a bullet wound in the Marvel universe, and the ending where Spiderman makes a deal with a literal demon to save his aunt's life is offensive to me as a Spiderman fan. This act killed the character in my eyes, and he has never recovered from it, to the point where I have not bought any Spiderman comic since then. Spiderman is dead to me.
Linkara: Although I must say that I am quite impressed with their ability to keep his corpse propped up Weekend-at-Bernie's-style.
Linkara (v/o): So why is it in the middle instead of closer to number one? Well, it's because, while it had negatives that I still complain about, ultimately good things and ongoing storylines did spawn from it, it created lots of discussion amongst people, and despite me not liking all of the artwork, it's still very strong in the mood department, which I quite like.
Linkara: All of which could have been without the deal with Satan, and doesn't excuse all the negatives from it, but hey, at least someone could read the book and understand it...I mean, after the second time they bought it, because the first time they destroyed it in a fit of blacked-out rage.
Number 7: Maximum Clonage Edit
Linkara: Now, if you want a Spiderman story that isn't so hot on comprehensibility and is just utter crap from start to finish, look to the Clone Saga.
Linkara (v/o): Of all the anniversary Clone Saga reviews I've done, Maximum Clonage remains the worst of them. Everybody is stupid and annoying, with Kane's loyalty shifting between issues because of different writers, the artwork at times just straining your eyes, and the story itself utterly ludicrous and dumb. The Punisher is in it for a bit and then forgotten. Gwen Stacy's clone is brought in to wrap up her storyline and is forgotten by the end. The cliche of saving Gwen from a fall is used again, even though it had been done before during the Clone Saga already. The Jackal has become psychotic and wanting to mutate people or clone them, or something, with some kind of gene bomb, I have no idea at this point and I don't want to look at it again. And somehow a high school teacher, or possibly a college professor, it's kind of vague in that respect, has enough money and resources to have literally dozens of Spiderman clones just standing in a room for absolutely no reason, but all melt into each other because clones are made of ice cream or something. The best part is that this was supposed to end the Clone Saga and instead it was so badly botched that it just extended things again. Can you imagine if this was the end of the Clone Saga? Behold, Peter Parker's final hoorah before Ben Riley took over. He spends half the book working for The Jackal, acting like an idiot, and then leaves because he's just too embarrassed over this whole mess.
Linkara: Maximum Clonage: so stupid they had to make up a word to fully express their idiocy.
Number 6: All-Star Batman and Robin No. 3 Edit
Linkara (v/o): Ahh yes. You all knew this one was coming, just not which issue. And it's certainly hard to pick which one goes on the list. You go with the one where Batman calls a traumatized child retarded? How about the one where he tries to force said child to eat rats? Or perhaps the one that features some kind of temporal distortion warping reality so we don't know what time it is?
Linkara: No, no. I went with the one that barely involves the title characters: Issue 3.
Linkara (v/o): All Star Batman and Robin is the story of Crazy Steve and Dick Grayson at age twelve. Or maybe it's about Black Canary, who isn't even a Bat family member, getting the spotlight in Issue 3 as an Irish ninja who works as a waitress at a Hooters. Except not really, since I'm pretty sure Hooters has more class and respect for its workers than this place, which is a bar where guys can reach over the countertop to pinch someone's ass and there aren't any bouncers. Black Canary here has training because, and isn't even inspired to take action because of the rampant sexism and abuse she has to endure on a daily basis in an outfit more akin to Playboy Bunnies than anything conducive to bartending. No, no, she only takes action because of the example of Batman, the murderer who has been awake for several days straight and, again, insults children in the same predicament as he once was. Because this version of Batman is not a Dark Knight, but a teenager acting out his revenge fix.
Linkara: (as Batman) Leave me alone, Alfred. People are feeling happy about the ending of Legend of Korra. I have to call them gay, now. It's the only way I can get an erection. Umm, wait. Did I just say that?..... I AM THE KNIGHT!!
Linkara (v/o): But yes. Issue 3 is the true sign of how badly botched the book is; that Miller apparently thinks that the two main characters aren't interesting enough to focus on, so instead he switches it over to Black Canary just so she can come in three or four issues later and have sex with him in the rain. All Star Batman and Robin Number 3, a comic that makes Barb Wire look subdued and nuanced.
Number 5: Justice League: Cry for Justice No. 1 or No. 7 Edit
Linkara (v/o): Yes, here we have a legitimate tie because I could not decide which of these issues is worse. One is awful from start to finish, while the other is awful but more of a personal awful than anything else. What's so wrong with Issue 1? Well, mostly because the dialogue goes something like this:
Linkara: (as Green Arrow) JUSTICE!! JUSTICE JUSTICE JUSTICE!! JUSTICE! JUSTICE JUSTICE JUSTICE!! (as Atom) Justice? (as Green Arrow) JUSTICE!!! JUSTICE, JUSTICE!!! (as Congorilla) I am a talking gorilla. (as Green Arrow) BUT JUSTICE!!
Linkara (v/o): Whereas Issue 7 can be summed up like this...
Linkara: (as Prometheus with a colander on his head) I am so smart, look at how smart I am. (as Justice League) Damn! He is smart! (as Prometheus) I am so smart that even my pants are smart. That is how smart and evil I am. Oh, whoops, it turns out my super-smart devices are actually not that smart. But I am totally still smart. (as Justice League) Damn! If only we were smart! (as Narrator; deadpan) Child death of character never featured in comic before! (as Justice League) Well, we better let the villain go. He's just too smart. (as Prometheus) Ha-ha-ha! Back to being smart in my lair of smartness. (normal) Boy! This is going to result in a hilarious spinoff mini-series.
Linkara (v/o): Both are mind-rotting in how they ever gotten past even the first draft with the quality of writing on display. Issue 7 would've been bad enough, but killing off Lian, a character from a book that got me to read comics to begin with, was so bad that it is still one of the books I hated out all the others that I reviewed, even One More Day; and I ranted over an hour about One More Day's crapitude. Cry for Justice Number 1 and Number 7: smart villains, smart heroes and even smarter writers, as long as we're keeping up our trend of making up words or having them mean whatever we want to anyway.
Number 4: Silent Hill: Paint it Black Edit
Linkara (v/o): The Silent Hill comics, aside from the ones written by Tom Waltz, are bad, really bad. Only the smallest of superficial elements from the games appears in them. Otherwise, it's about some guy named Whately trying to spread the evil of Silent Hill to the world, I think. That's the main thing about them. Even if you pretend it's a different horror series called Loud Valley or something, as horror stories, they're not scary and their plots are incomprehensible, hidden behind layers and layers of terrible, scratchy, sketchy, unreadable artwork. However, Pyramid Head and shoulders above the rest in terms of awfulness is this one, Paint it Black. Only one of Scott Ciencin's Silent Hill comics features a main character that could be considered likable, but he usually took a little bit of time for us to realize what dickheads they were. Paint it Black though? Behold Ike Isaacs, a free-loading jackass who cares more about his painting than paying the rent and, after rightfully getting tossed out of an apartment, he goes to Silent Hill in the hopes of mooching off food. However, despite supposedly only being interested in his art, he happily tries to leave the town and gloats about all the expensive crap he's gonna get when he learns that his paintings are popular. After he's unable to leave, a group of cheerleaders arrive out of nowhere and prove to be even more assholey than Ike, invading his home and redecorating it while fighting monsters in combat gear and cheerleader outfits. I hate everyone in it and the story feels like somebody ran over several script pages, covering them in dirt, and, instead of trying to rewrite them, it drew inspiration from it to make sure ALL the Silent Hill comics looked as dirty as possible. And then, just to leaving out the now-indistinguishable sequences with a shrug, since they were getting paid either way.
Linkara: Not that the sequences left in were all that distinct, just that there may have been some kind of actual story here before the commando cheerleaders arrived.
Linkara (v/o): Silent Hill: Paint it Black: instructing you to actually paint over every page in black since it will be a more satisfying read than what was actually given.
Number 3: Bimbos in Time Edit
Linkara (v/o): Bimbos in Time is one of the most unique experiences I've ever had when reviewing a comic, since its creator was actually trying to make the worst comic ever. The thing is that there are some pieces of media that are never meant to be taken seriously: Sharknado, Snakes on a Plane, awful lot involve animals now that I think about it, that kind of thing. They're trying to produce a decent product, but nothing that will end up sweeping the Academy Awards, just something fun and stupid. In order to make something deliberately BAD, something that people actually hate, is whole different kind of process. And thus Bimbos in Time, a post-apocalyptic sequel to a movie, or possibly a movie tie-in to an actual Bimbos in Time that's still up in the air. The artwork is amateurish at best, featuring writing beyond amateurish, a cast of characters who all look the same traveling through time because of radiation, or something. This leads them to randomly meeting people from history, be they fictional or real, and then there's the Energizer Bunny for some reason. It features a character named Larry the Male Bimbo. I should note that none of these characters actually act in a bimbo-like manner.
Linkara: Is the English language so complicated that nobody understands what words mean?!
Linkara (v/o): Bimbos in Time features nothing of value or substance. It's a bunch of idiots chasing two people through time and ends with those two people being pooped on by a dinosaur. It's an accurate representation of how the reader feels after having finished it.
Number 2: Marville No. 3 Edit
Linkara (v/o): The thing I brought up in almost all of Marville reviews is that every issue of Marville is worse than the one before it. So, why isn't Issues 6 or 7 the worst here? Well, for starters, Issue 7 isn't really an issue of the book. It's just guidelines for an out-dead imprint and is easily forgotten. Issue 6 is a recap of everything that happened, but it condenses all the stupid from those into a single comic, so you don't even have to read the other five issues to get the general idea. Plus, it's basically just a long essay in the form of a comic book about Bill Jemas's thoughts on superhero comics and the world at large. It's stupid, but ultimately the worst it really did was insult its competition. The first two issues are just unfunny parody comics, so they're out of the running. That leaves us with Issues 3, 4 and 5, the comics that proved the former vice president of Marvel does not know anything about science, history, or religion.
Linkara: So why Number 3? Simple. If for some unfathomable reason you liked Marville, you could at least read Issues 4 and 5. Not so with Issue 3.
Linkara (v/o): For reasons known only to the creative team in this thing, there are no word balloons or narrative captions in the book. Instead, all the dialogue is printed along the side, covering up many panels and making it a complete and utter pain in the ass to read; not that the panels were all that great to begin with seeing at sometimes the sequential art was flimsy in its execution, but most of the time it was fine. In addition, above all else, comics should not be boring, which this one most certainly is, thanks to it's focus on talking philosophically about genetic structure, cells, and atoms. It's also the comic that told us that "we should feel sad about dead molecules." Worrying about the fate of molecules is truly the definition of "too much free time on your hands."
Linkara: Marville Number 3: the comic that teaches us that we should protest our own existence because of all the molecules in history that died in order for the molecules in our bodies to be around.
Dishonorable Mentions Edit
Linkara (v/o): Before we get to Number 1, here are some dishonorable mentions that came close to making the list but for one reason or another didn't.
Almost made the list and probably would have been on it if not for Santa the Barbarian. The only advantage it had, with its bizarre use of fumetti style, is given that style it's pretty much automatic that it will look stilted and awkward.
The problem with Countdown is that really the entirety of it is bad, so it's difficult to single out one issue that's worse than all the others. Maybe Number 24, where Superboy Prime kills an entire world.
Linkara: Countdown, the comic where joy itself is tortured by Superboy Prime "because it was better on his Earth."
Linkara (v/o): Like Superman: At Earth's End, it's an Elseworld story, so its effect on the grand scheme of things is negligible. But, the characters are stupid or evil for evil sake and all the women are too busy bending over for Jim Balent's amusement and his tongue fetish to be interesting.
Warrior No. 1 Edit
If I counted it, this one would be closer to the number 1 spot, but I'm not counting crossovers here. That being said, if anyone has figured out what the Samuel Langhorne hell happened in the Warrior comics, well, don't tell me. I just need to get foked to understand it.
One of the dreariest and worst drawn I've ever had the unfortunate pleasure of reading. Even for the Liefeldian standards of the day, this and its second part stand as some of the worst examples of over-muscled superheroes ever. Mix that in with the pedestrian, uninteresting story, and it's a disaster. However, dull as it is, at least you know what's going on during all of it.
AKA, the one where Superman and Big Barda are mind-controlled into making a porno. Oh, this one probably should have been on the list... But, I'm only letting it pass because most of it is implied. We never see them actually naked and screwing without their consent. The same cannot be said for this; the Number 1 WORST comic I've ever reviewed that isn't Holy Terror.
Number 1: The Avengers No. 200 Edit
Linkara (v/o): There is so much wrong with Avengers Number 200. The dialogue is insipid. As an anniversary issue, it's underwhelming. As a team book, most of the characters don't contribute anything meaningful. The creators are all embarrassed to have worked on it. It gives an unceremonious departure to a beloved character. The action is not all that great. The plot makes no sense, the villain's plan is ridiculous, and, most important of all, Ms. Marvel is raped, gives birth to her rapist, and then goes off with her rapist, having now fallen in love with him, despite no memory of meeting him because said love erased her memory for no reason. Avengers Number 200 is THE quintessential BAD COMIC. The only thing that doesn't suck about it is the artwork, which even then isn't anything to ride home about despite the presence of the ever-awesome George Perez. But when you think about everything that is wrong in mainstream comic books: sexism, poor planning, poor writing, dubious drama, and horrible implications, you will find no better example than this story. Cry for Justice is laughable in is ineptitude, but its affects are more personal to ME than most other people. Marville insults the intelligence of anyone reading it, but it's just one guy's dimwitted views on religion and history. Future Five is easily tossed aside as a rubbish PSA. All Star Crazy Steve is both hilarious and infuriating. But Avengers Number 200, there is no reaction to it other than revoltion and the desire to throw it in a trash can. It truly is the worst thing I've ever reviewed that is not Holy Terror.
Linkara: And that's 2014... and a few other years behind us too. 2015 probably won't bring hover boards and Evangelions, but I will bring you Patreon-backed reviews, a retrospective on Rom Spaceknight, a look back at Stan Lee trying to create the DC Universe, and wars of both the star and steam variety. See you then.
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Linkara: Another thing that kept Action Comics Number 593 off the list, Dark Seid on a couch. That will never stop being stupidly hilarious.