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Brows Held High - Tromeo and Juliet - w The Cinema Snob

[Episode begins with the Cinema Snob wandering across the hallway talking on his cell phone.]

Cinema Snob: The hell do you mean my beard isn't thick enough? What? You want me to wear a prosthetic beard?

[Meanwhile, Oancitizen is walking across the same hallway reading Make Your Own Damn Movie by Lloyd Kaufman.]

Oan: "Chapter Four, Get Your Women Naked and other Valuable Casting Tips."

CS: Listen, I can't act if I feel like I have somebody's pubes glued to my face. [Notices Oan walking in front of him.]

Oan: "Chapter Five, Pre-Production: A Key to Your Future Therapy."

CS: Listen, I'm going to have to call you back. I've got a bone to pick with this guy. [hangs up] Hey!

[Oan puts his book down and sees Snob in front of him. He responds in shock. They stare at each other as the suspense music stirs up.]

CS: Aren't you that guy who ...

[Oan makes a clean getaway and runs back down the hall opposite of Snob's direction. In the next shot, Oan appears again this time from the hallway behind Snob. He looks behind to see Oan.]

Oan: These hallways curve back around.

CS: Don't try to run away from me. You and I have something we need to talk about.

Oan: [Trying to avoid Snob] Um, yes, so I've inferred.

CS: [He's got Oan pinned against the wall] And I just have to say, how DARE you! How DARE you! How dare you threaten the good people of Serbia for making such a courageous political satire as A Serbian Film.

Oan: Well, I guess I got carried away there.

CS: And whats more, I demand an apology.

Oan: Um, sorry I tried to attack Serbia.

CS: No, not for that, for bashing Gerry.

Oan: Um ... What?

CS: I know that it's difficult film to read, but Gerry moved me to tears with its vision of two guys walking in a desert for ninety minutes. It is a piece of such depth and humor that deserves none of your petty, baseless slander.

Oan: While still fairly derivative of Tarkovsky, but still ...

CS: Also, you're a pussy for taking down that Sasha Grey video.

Oan: Look, as flattered as I am that you're familiar enough with my work to hate it - Frankly, I don't want to be seen with you.

CS: What?

Oan: Nothing personal.

CS: What the hell, am I not pretentious enough for you?

Oan: Well, no, that's the thing. You're plenty pretentious, and bearded and dark-haired, and suited and you're known for having a very ... lovely voice.

CS: Look, if this is about what I think it's about ...

Oan: Frankly, it is. And the more distance between us, the better.

CS: Oh, come off it. We're nothing alike. Your suit is ... green.

Oan: [unimpressed] Dankeshön.

[In the middle of the conversation, Linkara walks by.]

Linkara: [monotone] Hey, you two, everyone loves crossovers and they all want you to do one together.

CS: Who the hell is "they"?

Oan: And how are we defining "everyone"?

Linkara: I don't know, everyone, they, do something together. Something pornographic AND pretentious. So, here. [Linkara gives a DVD to Oan] Do it. You crazy kids knock yourselves out.

[Oan and Snob look at the DVD and moan.]

Oan and CS: Oh, fuck!

[Title sequence; a hybrid of The Cinema Snob's opening credits with Brows Held High's opening credits, meaning Brows Held High credits with "The Greatest American Hero" theme.]

[Cut to Snob and Kyle in their hotel rooms sitting in front of the camera.]

CS: Tromeo and Juliet? Tromeo and Juliet? You're telling me that the people who crapped out "Curse of the Cannibal Confederates" made a Shakespeare adaptation because of a really stupid pun?

Oan: What he said.

CS: As if Shakespeare hasn't been mishandled enough, you're going to wrestle the greatest love story of all time into a giant mashup of gore and tits.

Oan: What he said.

CS [v/o]: For those of you fortunate enough to have never watched the breed of film that I am often subjected to, Troma Entertainment is an exploitation movie company that stayed afloat since 1974.

Oan [v/o]: ... by making their films cheaper than oxygen.

CS [v/o]: Don't interrupt me, newbie. This literary corpse desecration was the result of a script by Slither 's James Gunn, with the revision by director and Troma founder, Lloyd Kaufman. Tromeo was released in 1996 to generally favorable, if not tolerant, reviews. Oddly enough, that was the same year we were graced with Kenneth Branagh's epic version of Hamlet.

CS: I can only wonder what Kenneth Branagh had to say about this far lesser Shakespeare adaptation.

Oan: Actually, you don't have to wonder.

[cut to an interview with Kenneth Branagh, who's reading the tagline from the poster.]

Kenneth Branagh: Body piercing, kinky sex, dismemberment, the things that make Shakespeare great. The have a point there, I'll be interested in seeing that. Manic rock and roll with Motorhead and Ass Ponys. So, maybe I can get Ass Ponys to do the soundtrack for Hamlet.

CS: hmm ... Good find.

[Cut to opening credits]

CS [v/o]: The film starts with a moving public domain song and [Cut to a noosed squirrel with a tearing from a paper bag reading "Monty Q Sucks"] Tahh-ah! They killed Sandy Cheeks.

[Cut to Time Square where Lemmy narrates the film]

Lemmy: Two households, different as dried plums and pears, in fair Manhattan where we lay our scene.

CS [v/o]: Wait, that's Lemmy from Motorhead. [Caption underneath reads "Lemmy: House of Motorhead".] Oh, I'm sorry, Lemmy House of Motorhead.

Oan [v/o]: I think we're to assume that in this universe, metal bands each have their own fiefdoms.

CS [v/o]: The cast is introduced to us in seventies sitcom style giving us their names and their relations.

Oan [v/o]: Well actually, it's a visualization of how folios traditionally started with the list of the drama-

CS [v/o]: I was joking!!

CS: You gonna be this pedantic about Shakespeare through this whole thing?

Oan: It's kind of my shtick.

CS: Alright, alright, just get it all out of your system. "Contextualize" this shlocky Troma film, Bard Boy.

Oan: Oh, quite happily.

Oan [v/o]: After the great success of Kenneth Branagh's 1989 Henry V, and the popularity of the Franco Zeffrelli/ Mel Gibson Hamlet, the 1990's saw a big new wave of hip and middle-brow adaptations of The Bard's plays, often taking them to new and exiting territory. There was "Henry IV" with rent boys [My Own Private Idaho], a fascist Richard III, Taming of the Shrew in high school, Hamlet with lions, and Romeo and Juliet with seizures, all part of a movement to cash in and popularize the Stratfordian's plays. Mr. Kaufman's Tromeo can be seen as the grindhouse's response to mainstream Hollywood's literary ambitions.

Oan: And in conclusion, Tromeo and Juliet is yet another attempt by the masses to turn [sophisticately English] Shakespe-ah into [unsurely American]... S-h-h-haa-a-a-a-kespe-e-e-e-eaare.

CS [v/o]: And they do so by changing everyone's names to make them sound less Elizabethan. Let's see: Monty Que? Cappy Capulet? Tyrone? Murray? Ness? Do nurses not exist in this universe?

Oan [v/o]: I'm just struggling to figure out why we needed a shot of a guy slowly unglueing rubber ears from a guy's head. [Cut to a shot of Tromeo] Good to see Egoraptor getting work.

CS [v/o]: Good to see "insert name of generically beautiful blonde actress here" getting work.

[Cut to a mouse wandering in the sand. The caption "Mouse" appears beneath it. A lizard comes from behind and catches the mouse with its mouth. Cut to shot where Lemmy sticks his tongue out. Cut to shot of lizard eating the mouse. The word Mouse is crossed out and replaced with the caption "Lizard."]

Oan: [pause] We just saw the death of a live animal onscreen, didn't we?

CS: We have just witnessed Mouse Snuff.

Oan: [scoff] At least they're certainly not wasting any time vandalizing a classic tragedy.

CS [v/o]: Hey look, the credits are doing just that.

Oan [v/o]: Opening at a nightclub, we follow a gentleman, who resembles a meerkat whose fur got burned off. The character's name is Sammy, which likely makes him the equivalent of Samson, the Capulet who bites his thumb at people.

Sammy: Oh, come on, Georgie. Maybe you'll get lucky, if you know what I mean. [Sammy takes Georgie's hand and places it on his balls. She squeezes his balls in return.]

Georgie: I'm your sister. You're not supposed to do that. Not to me.

Sammy: But hey, you know the way the world is now! We've got gang bangs, we've got perverts, we've got anorexia, everything's in style. If you just throw in a little bit of incest into the mix, pretty soon, the world will be like one great big hug! [Georgie punches Sammy in the face.]

Georgie: Yeah, I'm sure Sammy, me and you and our mutant inbred children.

CS: The hell? Is this movie just going to throw incest in our faces?

Oan: How do you throw incest?

CS: Don't... deconstruct... my phrasing.

[Cut to Tromeo and Murray at a tattoo parlor where they see a girl getting a nipple piercing.]

CS [v/o]: Okay, tits, tits are much easier to throw in people's faces.

Oan [v/o]: Ah, you see, the auteur realized that the scene would otherwise be a dull bit of exposition. So, he decorated the frame with a bit of... exoticism.

CS [v/o]: A live nipple piercing is exotic, I'll give you that.

Oan [v/o]: Also, you'll notice that the Ques, in general, have a certain... strange way of saying things.

Murray: Bad monkey!

Oan [v/o]: Even the other actor was confused by that line.

CS [v/o]: Speaking of confusing, Poof! They're all at the club now.

[Murray is laughing loudly at Sammy, who flips the bird in return.]

Oan: I'm assuming that this counts as thumb-biting.

CS: How the hell else can you turn thumb-biting into an insult.

Oan: I don't know [Each one experiments with different flipping the bird and thumb-bitting gestures.]

Oan [v/o]: Antiquated insulting aside, you have to admire the way they modernize the Elizabethan dialogue.

Sammy: No, fuck you!

Murray: No, seriously, Sammy, fuck you!

Sammy: I said it first!

Oan [v/o]: Poetry.

CS [v/o]: And it leads into a fight scene so shocking it causes the director himself to spit take.

[Cut to an office where a desk clerk is making out with a hooker at his desk. The hooker sucks on the clerks fingers.]

Hooker: Oh fingnuts! I love fingnuts! Give me fingnuts!

Oan: Odd thing to say when you're doing the act.

[Murray puts Samson's right hand into a paper slicer and cuts off his pinky and ring finger. The hooker starts screaming in anguish.]

CS: Foreshadowing!

CS [v/o]: As if this film was written right after the writer learned what foreshadowing was, but before he learned subtlety.

Rosaline: [played by Jacqueline Tavarez, getting head from her lover] That's it, baby. Oh! Only you can do it, baby. Tromeo sucks at it.

CS [v/o]: This is Rosaline, Romeo's previous girlfriend given a very Troma makeover, the same Troma makeover given to Benvolio and Mercutio.

Benny and Murray: You'll fucking Diiiiiiiie!!!

Murray: You're an asshole!!

Oan: If you'll recall from ninth grade English, Mercutio was a neutral party who looked down on the feud between Montagues and Capulets and Benvolio always struggled to keep the peace.

CS: Really, so The Bard had always intended them to be Montague trolls.

Oan [v/o]: Though, I do like how they sneaked in this addition of "The Yale Shakespeare" in Juliet's room. It gives the illusion that someone in this film actually read it. Clearly, they just read the Cliff Notes and figured out which characters they can make sexy.

CS [v/o]: I see, Juliet's nurse is apparently Liz Salander.

[Cut to Tromeo searching in a stack of porn movies and CD's]

CS [v/o]: Meanwhile, Tromeo drowns himself in loneliness with... Oh, what the hell? "Et Tu, Blow Job," "The Merchant of Penis," "As You Lick It," "Much To Do About Humping?"

Oan: Please, no "Titties Andronicus?" "No Glory Hole Anus?" No "A Midsummer Night's Cream?"

CS: [who was visibly holding laughter the whole time] That one already exists.

Computer: Like eating shit and drinking piss?

CS [v/o]: ...Then buy the Pasolini-themed expansion pack.

Oan [v/o]: It's worse. Somewhere along the line, they decided that true love was a fetish.

[Tromeo starts masturbating in front of his computer.]

Computer: You chose: True love.

[A female model appears in the computer screen in a sexy wedding dress. Tromeo cums as she speaks.]

Female model: Would you like to get married? Married, then you can see my bosom.

CS [v/o]: Well, if that's as kinky as these two carrots get, then... [Cut to Juliet and Ness making out] Oh, come on!

CS: Really? You're gonna spice up this Shakespeare adaptation with girl-on-girl action?

Oan: Well, in the play, the nurse was implied to be a wet nurse, the one who suckles the child when a mother cannot.

CS: So you're telling me that in the canon of the play, Juliet sucked on this character's tit?

Oan: I'm sure that was their justification, too.

Oan [v/o]: And one of the more ingenious [scoffs snobbishly] additions to this adaptation is a backstory for the feud.

CS [v/o]: Far from being an ancient grudge brought to new munity, this feud started when Capulet stole Monty's wife and company. That company, PORN!

Lemmy: Dedicated to the artcraft. French babes, sore focus, lots of sheer curtains - classy stuff. And you should see the trash that Silky puts out now. The worst motherfuckin' films in the world.

CS: Oh my, he's a monster.

Oan: [interrupting] He destroyed the artworks of a budding young auteur.

CS: I was gonna say that!

Oan: Were you? I thought it would be like something I would say.

CS: Of course! Because it's pretentious and condescending. I never do that.

Oan: And, what? Do you have a monopoly on condescension.

CS: I invented being condescending on the internet!

Oan: I knew it would come to this. I knew it! You think I'm useless, don't you!!

CS: Look, you little pissant, you wanna make yourself useful?

CS [v/o]: Then why don't you interpret this dream sequence that Juliet has.

Oan [v/o]: Alright I will.

[In this said dream sequence, Juliet is making out with a Fabio-looking man. She feels around the man's penis as it grows into a giant erection monster. She gazes in horror as it growls.]

Oan: .... Wild guess....... I think she's afraid of men.

CS: Thank you, that was very insightful.

[Cappy appears beside Juliet, molesting her curling iron]

Cappy: Oh, pubescent Capulet, leaving your sex toys all over your room.

Oan [v/o]: That's a curling iron.

CS [v/o]: He knows less about women's sex lives than Rush Limbaugh.

Oan [v/o]: Oooh, topical.

Cappy: And who are you?

Juliet: ... Daddy's little Crenshaw melon.

Cappy: Who?

Juliet: ........ Daddy'd little Crenshaw melon.

CS: The hell? Did James Gunn just pick the funniest sounding fruit he can think of?

Oan: [looking into his laptop] It's an incestuous subtext.

CS: What? Why are you reading incest into this? This is Shakespeare, not Greek Tragedy.

Oan: I just Google Image searched Crenshaw melon. Look at how it's shaped.

[An image of said melon appears on screen for a few seconds. It looks rather... yonic]

CS: Yikes.

[Cut to a scene where Sammy's head gets caught in the car window. Benny drives off with Sammy still hanging. Cappy chases them both with a crossbow.]

CS [v/o]: And on top of being subconsciously attracted to his daughter, he's also guilty of another great sin, pretension.

Cappy: You villanous, abominable kidnapper of youth! [to camera] Henry Four, Act 2 Scene 4.

Oan: Your jest will savour but of shallow wit, when thousands groan than he did laugh at it. Henry V, Act 1, Scene 2.

CS: [Condescending] Good for you.

CS [v/o]: Sammy gets killed and it's barely as moving as when the mouse died.

Lemmy: Act 2, the ball on Tromeo's agony and bliss. His balls be blue and young man pray think on this.

Oan [v/o]: His balls be blue?

CS [v/o]: Ignore it!

Oan [v/o]: Um, okay. Um they're preparing for the Capulet ball and we're introduced to Juliet's husband-to-be, Paris- em...... London.

CS: Get it? Paris? London? See? They did read the play.

Oan: Ah, my fears of their ability to get the play right are completely assuaged.

London: I finally figured out something to do with these pig's ears. It's new and it's oh-so-deliciouso.

Oan [v/o]: London is... I don't know how to put it into words yet, but I assume that two of those words would be "death" and "mask."

London: It's Raisinloaf. It's like Oliveloaf, but it's not. It's Raisinloaf. Why? Because there are raisins in it.

CS [v/o]: For historical context, keep in mind that this movie was made at a time when Jim Carrey was considered "funny."

Oan [v/o]: Later at the Capulet's ball, populated with... huh? Who the hell are they dressed as? What kind of dumpster did they get these getups from?

[Snob takes off his glasses and glares at Oan. long pause.]

Oan: [confused] What?

CS [v/o]: As the partiers dance about in costumes that are clearly Troma characters, Murray arrives dressed as the title character from "Day of the Tentacle." Tromeo wears a cow costume, which makes cowbell sounds despite not having cowbells on it, and then Tromeo gets a cartoon erection.

[Said cartoon sound effect plays as Tromeo sees Juliet depressingly sitting on her chair next to Ness. Tromeo then slams his hands against his cheeks. This shot is done three times in different camera angles.]

Tromeo: Oh...... She doth teach the torches to burn bright.

Oan: Oh, NOW they start quoting the actual play.

CS: Oh, you don't find the modern banter scintillating or clever?

[London trips and meets Juliet at her chair. He comes toward her and pinches her cheek. She is obviously not interested.]

London: My little head-cheese.

Oan: How many vaguely comical food stuffs can Juliet get compared to in one movie?

CS: Oh, Juliet, my precious... toad in the hole.

[Cut to Juliet dancing with London, while Tromeo walks around them. Juliet gazes at him cheerfully.]

Juliet: Who are you, cow?

Tromeo: My name is Tromeo.

Oan [v/o]: Why yes, do tell her your real name with an earshot of a man who has the ear of your mortal enemy.

CS [v/o]: And it works. There's irony for you, a butcher getting cuckolded by cattle.

Tromeo: Two blushing pilgrims, ready stand to smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.

Juliet: Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much.

Oan [v/o]: Ah, The Bard. Nice of them to suddenly remember that this is a Shakespeare adaptation. Let's see if if they can remember another line.

Juliet: My only love sprung from my only hate.

[Cut to Oan and Snob silently and snobbishly applauding.]

Lemmy: Act 3: Love and the Glass Box Revealed.

Oan [v/o]: Wait, is it love IN the glass box or love AND the glass box?

CS: [snobbishly] Who fucking cares?

Oan: I'm sorry, it's just that Lemmy is a bit inarticulate.

CS: Out of all the things to complain about in this movie, you're peeking on how the narrator slurs his words?

Oan: Well, I just don't think that the gentleman from Motorhead is necessarily the best chorus for this film.

CS: Look, eh, you want to be useful or not?

CS [v/o]: We're coming up on a dream sequence. You wanna be a snob? Interpret this.

Oan [v/o]: [pause] Well, I don't want to be a snob per se...

CS [v/o]: [interlapping] Just do it, Mini Me.

Oan [v/o]: Um, Okay. Um, Tromeo wakes her up crouching like Edward Cullen. Something about bathing in her skin, toe-sucking. Stuff that sounds like Shakespeare but isn't. Lumpy belly. Troll 2 reference, gives birth to rats.

CS: Oh my, an attempt at surrealism? I like this movie now.

CS [v/o]: Clearly this film is a modernist take on Elizabethan... wait, Capulet's back?

Cappy: You horny little cow, probably dreaming about getting fucked in the ass, hmm?

CS [v/o]: What the fuck? He drags her to a back room, locks her in a glass cage, shackles her, rubs his man tits, makes.... THAT fucking face.

CS: Is this exploitation movie getting exploitative? I dislike this movie now.

Oan: Your criteria for quality are very specific.

Tromeo: What light from yonder Plexiglas breaks? It is a right-angled cosmos and Juliet is its sun.

CS [v/o]: The correct first response is: “Oh, sweet Jesus, who locked my girlfriend in a glass cage?!”

Tromeo: See how she leans her cheek [her ass cheek, that is] upon her hand? Oh, that I were a glove upon that hand, that I might touch that cheek.

CS: How dare this hack sully one of the Bard’s most beautiful lines with such a vulgar… [looks at Oan, who has facepalmed] What the hell’s wrong with you?

Oan: …I thought it was kinda clever.

CS: [scoffs] It’s like I don’t even know you.

Tromeo: But your father?

Juliet: He never comes back until after The Regis and Kathy Lee Show. And this room was soundproofed when I was eight. He didn’t want the neighbors to hear me scream.

Oan [v/o]: JESUS!

CS [v/o]: Ha, ha. Back to being offended, I see.

Juliet: That which we call a rose, by any other name would smell as sweet.

Tromeo: Let’s go. Tonight. Come with me.

Oan [v/o]: Okay, they’re clearly cutting and pasting the text where they see fit. It’s like a middle-school essay written by a guy who read the play’s WikiQuote entry.

CS: Ah, but my boy, the director is clearly making the necessary cuts to the script in order to make room for the more dramatically necessary action.

Oan: Like…?

CS [v/o]: FUCKING!

Oan [v/o]: Oh, yes, this is key information. The movie would just fall apart without it.

CS [v/o]: Of course! Without this shot, we wouldn’t know that this actress possessed breasts.

Oan [v/o]: This scene is vital!

CS [v/o]: After the lovers [ahem] cross each other’s stars, they wake up to the sound of The Regis and Kathy Lee Show.

Oan [v/o]: Which is impressive, since we already know that this room is soundproof.

Juliet: Oh, fie.

Tromeo: You look like you’ve seen a Subhumanoid.

Oan: Two sentences that do not go well together.

CS: [chuckle] Speaking of two things that don’t go well together…

CS [v/o]: This actor [playing London], and fucking SHAKESPEARE.

Oan [v/o]: Wait, I’ve got it: he looks like a sun-bleached, dead turtle.

CS [v/o]: Or maybe he was cast as London Arbuckle due to his resemblance to Odie Arbuckle.

Juliet: …but I can’t marry you.

London: [makes dismayed faces] What?

CS: Scratch that, he was cast because of his ability to make his face nearly fall off.

Oan: Well mugged, London.

CS [v/o]: Meanwhile, Father Kevin James is asked to marry the two of them.

Father Lawrence: Tonight? [Tromeo nods] [Father gasps at the same time a church bell rings]

CS [v/o]: And the sound effects agree!

Oan [v/o]: And as we continue to meander through the dull bits, we’re treated – and I use the word “treated” loosely – to Juliet masturbating while calling a phone-sex line. During which she –

[Cut to the phone-sex operator]

CS and Oan [v/o]: AAAAAAAUGH!!!

Phone-Sex Operator: I’m fucking faster. That’s right. We’re having major sex.

CS: Christ! He looks like you, if you swallowed me!

Oan: … thank you.

CS [v/o]: This scene’s all the better, since Juliet only calls the line because Tromeo is playing phone tag with her. And he calls her right afterward, with this plot point never coming up again, making the fat phone-sex guy completely pointless.

Oan [v/o]: Like your little jab at me just there.

CS [v/o]: Oh, SACK up! They get married, and hey, here’s something that Shakespeare couldn’t pull of onstage: a montage.

CS: Cute. Like Annie Hall, but with tattoos.

Oan: But without Marshall McLuhan.

CS: But still retaining the people locked in glass cages.

Oan: [puzzled] What?

CS: It’s … actually been a little while since I’ve seen Annie Hall.

Lemmy: Act 4. Kill, Tromeo. Kill and be resolved.

CS [v/o]: Moving on, as London cries into a pig’s corpse, and stabs himself.

Oan [v/o]: Unfortunately, NOT taking himself out of the movie for good.

CS [v/o]: Our Not-Tybalt plots to take out the Ques with a club that looks like Hitler. Heh. I wonder if he’s named it “Der Führer’s Face.”

Murray: A word for Tyrone Capulet:

Lady: [offscreen] You gonna take this, Tyrone?

Murray: Boofball. Dickbrain? Peon. Freak! Cocksucker! Loser, rat catcher, geek. Doofus, anus, fruitcake, runt. Fiddle-fucker, dweeb, feeb, cunt.

Oan: I should use this soliloquy the next time I audition at the Folger.

CS: Ha! As if YOU could act.

Oan: I’ve trod the boards, yeah.

CS: [points to a script in Oan’s lap] You didn’t even memorize your lines!

Oan: [looks down at the script] “I have no idea what you mean.”

Tyrone: We just wanted to track down Tromeo, okay?

Benny: Hey, like if we knew we’d tell you anyway, huh?

Murray: If I had to guess, it wouldn’t be so tough: I’d say he was in your cousin’s muff!

Oan [v/o]: Wait, wait, hold it. Did Murray just end his speech with two lines of rhyming couplets? Was that technically a sonnet?

CS [v/o]: And, of course, Tybalt kills a dummy that looks like Mercutio. Ironic, using a Hitler club to kill a blond, blue-eyed, Aryan.

CS: Ah, yes, the death of poor Mercutio. A plague on both –

Oan: [interrupts] Actually, can we go back and hear his speech again? I-I need to count the meter.

CS: Not now. We need to see how Romeo kills Tybalt in this version.

[Cut to Tyrone and Tromeo fighting]

Tyrone: Die!

Tromeo: Happens to everyone, sooner or … ladder!

[Tyrone is then killed in an extremely over-the-top action sequence. Cut to Snob and Oan staring silently at what they’ve just seen. Oan eventually recovers enough to speak.]

Oan: So, to recap:

Oan [v/o]: Tyrone is thrown into the path of an oncoming car. We learn that he is probably filled with mozzarella. Tyrone gets beheaded by the ramp of a moving van. For no reason, someone shouts “Cry havoc!” as if his beheading was the signal to lay siege to Harfleur or something. The head lands on the hood of a car family who … just discovered Charlie Brown, causing them to hit a ramp and flip over.

Oan: All that for a really convoluted finale. [scoffs] I can only hope that crashing that car was worth it.

CS: Actually, it was.

CS [v/o]: That is the car that was trashed in Sgt. Kabukiman, and it was trashed again in Terror Firmer, and Citizen Toxie.

Oan: How do you know so much about Troma movies? I thought you hated this sort of thing.

[Snob makes “stop talking” gestures at Oan]

CS [v/o]: So Tromeo is on the run. Juliet pleads to Father Kevin James to help them out of their situation, so he mentions an opium lord named Fu Chang.

Oan: I’m dreading the soon-to-come racism.

CS: Stay strong, we have lazier and more offensive jokes to get through.

Father: It’s its own reward, dear. I, too, know what it’s like to care for somebody.

Oan [v/o]: And of course it cuts to him frolicking with a small boy. Of course it does.

CS [v/o]: In other comedy news: aw man, lawyers sure do suck, amirite?

Oan [v/o]: Of course, those jokes are still preferable to the racist joke that is Fu Chang. No doubt some buck-toothed, squinting caricature ripped from a forties Bugs Bunny cartoo – wait. That’s him?

Fu Chang: I’m Fu Chang. Get OVER it, girl!

Oan: So Fu Chang is a Rastafarian stereotype, rather than a Chinese stereotype.

CS: Hm. So it’s bait-and-switch racism, eh? I see what game they’re playing at here.

Lemmy: Act 5. Juliet made over.

CS [v/o]: Juliet, having gotten a potion, takes it before her wedding, causing her to seemingly die.

Tyrone: [suddenly appearing beside Juliet] You didn’t think a potion could do what he claimed, now did you, Juliet?

Oan [v/o]: Or start hallucinating that every character that’s died in the movie so far is haunting her. That works, too. Huh. It’s like if Rosencrantz and Guildenstern got a chance to tell Hamlet off to his face.

Oan: And I’m reminded of how much I’d rather watch Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead.

CS: Pwuggh! Roger Ebert gave that zero stars, therefore, I hate it!

Oan: [in a small voice] What?

Sammy: Kick it fellas!

Sammy, Murray and Tyrone: [singing] ♫ Shall we gather at the river? ♫

Oan [v/o]: I question the logic of using this song as their leitmotif.

CS [v/o]: It’s in the public domain, so why not? And even if the song doesn’t make sense, at least it speeds up the potion’s transformational powers.

Oan: Transform…? No, it’s supposed to make her appear dead.

CS: Keep watching.

Capulet: [to London] You’ll find that after your marriage, she’ll become a docile little bovine.

CS [v/o]: Heed the unsubtle foreshadowing.

Oan [v/o]: What do you mean?

[London discovers that Juliet is now a cow-person]

Oan [v/o]: Ohhhh.

CS [v/o]: Yep.

Oan [v/o]: Oh true apothecary, thy drugs are fucking moronic.

CS: Ignoring how little sense this potion makes, wouldn’t London’s immediate reaction be to ground her up into patties?

Oan: They’re really laying on the cow motif, aren’t they?

CS:Cow motif”?

[Cut to various scenes in the movie that mention cows]

Monty Que: I was having myself a dream about these cows.

Murray: [to Tromeo in his cow costume] If I lived on a farm, I’d fuck you.

Juliet: [to Tromeo in his cow costume] A cow?

Capulet: [to Juliet] You horny little cow!

[Tromeo’s cow costume makes its cowbell noise]

London: Look at all the cows! Moo, moo, moo, moo!

CS: Dear God! They’ve been setting this up for the entire movie!

[Oan smiles and nods]

Oan [v/o]: After London finally, finally, leaps to his death, Capulet, um, tenderizes the beef.

[Capulet smacks Juliet-cow across the face]

Oan [v/o]: But hold it: if she doesn’t pretend to die, then how will this lead to the misunderstanding that leads to the lovers’ tragic deaths?

CS [v/o]: Well, clearly, it doesn’t. It just leads to Capulet getting beat up with tampons and hair curlers and, well, feminine stuff. SEE? It’s a feminist movie!

Oan [v/o]: Don’t give this movie credit, please. Ah! And he’s beaten over the head with a copy of Shakespeare.

CS and Oan: [both starting to talk at once] It’s just like…

Oan: Oh, sorry, you go.

CS: Nah…

Oan: I feel weird…

CS: [soothingly] No, no, no…

Oan: All right. Um, together?

CS: All right.

Oan: All right. On three, two, one…

CS and Oan: [in unison] It’s just like watching this movie.

[Juliet smashes a computer monitor on top of Capulet’s head]

CS [v/o]: Cornering the two of them in the room with the glass cage, Capulet gets ready to –

Oan [v/o]: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, no. No. Hold it. No. You’re kidding me.

Juliet: I’m not Daddy’s little Crenshaw melon any longer. [She plugs in the computer monitor, which is still on Capulet’s head, electrocuting him.]

Oan [v/o]: You’re kidding me.

Oan: Romeo and Juliet LIVE?

CS: Are you all right?

Oan: Yeah, I-I just need a minute. You rant for me.

CS: Okay, okay.

CS [v/o]: How do you make a Romeo and Juliet adaptation where Romeo and Juliet fucking LIVE? You might as well end Hamlet with a dance party! You might as well end A Midsummer Night’s Dream with the fairies going to the wedding and EATING everybody!

CS: [whispering to Oan] How’m I doing?

Oan: Oh, you’re fine.

CS: [whispering] Okay. [ranting again] How do you so completely miss the point of the original that you make the main conflict fucking useless?!

CS [v/o]: Their main enemies are dead, the feud is over, and they’re fucking alive! There is no reason they can’t be together happily ever after.

Ingrid Capulet: Tromeo! Your father and I, we need to tell you some things.

[Cut to Snob and Oan giving the movie the side-eye]

CS: [suspiciously] What?

Ingrid: It all started when I was married to your dad.

[flashback]

Past Ingrid: [to Past Monty] And if you want to know the truth, this baby don’t belong to you. These days they can prove it in a lab. Cap is, you’re not the real dad.

[Cut to Snob and Oan continuing to stare]

Oan: [suspiciously] What?

Ingrid: And so now Monty signed, like Cappy asked. Cap agreed we’d never take Tromeo back, and we would never breathe a word of the fact that I was your mom, and Cap, he was your dad.

[Snob and Oan keep staring]

CS and Oan: [suspiciously] Whaaat?

Tromeo: So, we’re …?

Monty: Son, perhaps you haven’t noticed, but I’m black.

Tromeo: I wondered about that.

CS [v/o]: Soooooo, if the two of them have the same parents, thennnnnn…

[Snob and Oan look at each other significantly]

Tromeo: Well?

Juliet: Sweet are the uses of adversity, which like the toad, ugly and venomous, wears yet a precious jewel in his head.

Benny: What are you guys talkin’ about?

Juliet: Fuck it. We’ve come this far.

CS: This is so messed up.

Oan: Yeah, they’re clearly quoting As You Like It in this Romeo and Juliet adaptation.

CS: You’re concerned about the severed head landing on the family car, but NOT the incest?

Oan: To be fair, it was foreshadowed.

CS: WHAT?!

[We flash back to one of the first scenes in the movie]

Sammy: If we just throw a little incest into the mix, pretty soon, the world will be like one great big hug!

Oan [v/o]: Add to that the father-daughter plot between Capulet and Juliet, and the incestuous theme is pretty solid. What’s more, as we move into the epilogue, we learn that one line about “mutant children” was also foreshadowing.

CS [v/o]: Well there’s your fucking tragedy. These children were born into an unnatural, genetically-damaging marriage, and then forced into horrible makeup.

Lemmy: So this is the dawn of the twenty-first age, where love ever rules, and all is insane. And all of our hearts free to let all base things go, as taught by Juliet and her Tromeo.

CS: How dare these talentless goons try to rewrite one of the most heartbreaking —

Oan: I thought it was kinda fun.

CS: Really?

[Oan gives a sheepish shrug]

Oan [v/o]: I’m going a bit out of character here, but Tromeo and Juliet is clearly meant to be an extremely loose adaptation of the play done for purposes of sex and violence, and on those notes, it succeeds. It holds up to its own insane internal logic, and overall, it tells a fairly decent story. The story sure as hell ISN’T Romeo and Juliet, but for all its outlandish moments, it stands on its own feet as stupid, schlocky fun, regardless of its relation to the Bard.

CS [v/o]: I will stick with REAL Romeo and Juliet movies, like Valley Girl, thank you very much.

Oan [v/o]: … thank you.

Oan: Hell, if they wanted to do an adaptation of ’Tis Pity She’s a Whore, then just do an adaptation of ’Tis Pity She’s a Whore.

CS: What the hell is ’Tis Pity She’s a Whore?

Oan: It’s a play. Uh, same deal as this: Romeo and Juliet, but Romeo and Juliet are brother and sister.

CS: It’s an off-Broadway thing?

Oan: Oh, no. This was done in sixteen twenty-… nine, I think.

CS: Was it any good?

Oan: Well, it ends with the Romeo character blood-soaked and carrying his sister-slash-lover’s heart on a dagger, and then throwing it at a priest. It’s actually attracted quite a bit of scholarship in recent years.

CS: [takes of his glasses and rubs his eyes] Wait, wait, wait, wait a goddamn second...

Oan: Yes…?

CS: You're telling me that there's a 400-year-old public-domain script involving incest and murder called “’Tis Pity She’s a Whore”, and the intellectual crowd likes it?

Oan: …Yeah.

CS: [puts his arm around Oan] I’ve got a camera ready. If we film this, we can corner the market on both the arthouse and the grindhouse.

Oan: I knew there was a reason I respected you.

[Ending music: Prokofiev’s “Dance of the Knights” from Romeo and Juliet]

Tromeo and Juliet is owned by Troma Entertainment.

[Channel Awesome tag]

Stinger: The final shot of the movie – Shakespeare, laughing.

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