And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Twilight."
OH MY GOD, THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!
There's this kid who's a vampire.
Only nobody seems to know he's a vampire.
He just has pale skin, sunken-in eyes, and never goes out during the daylight.
Oh, and he travels with other people who have pale skin, sunken-in eyes, and never go out during the daylight.
And all the kids are like, "Why is that kid so strange? He stopped a car with his bare hand and can leap high into the air."
Then the kids are like, "Oh my God, I got it! That kid is Superman!"
But then, this one girl is like, "I don't think he's Superman."
So, she starts doing some computer research.
And the computer is like, "He's a bloodsucker. A creature of the night. Nosferatu."
And then, the computer's like, "Do I have to spell it out for you? A vampire!"
And the girl is like, "Oh my God! ...That is so hot!"
So, the girl and the vampire start going out on a date.
That sounds like the beginning of a joke, doesn't it?
And the vampire's like, "You must keep my secret because no one must know!"
And I'm like, "People from Egypt can tell you're a vampire!"
Ya don't hide it very well!
All that's missing is a shirt that says "I am a vampire. Bite me!"
And the boy and girl are, like, so weird!
The girl is like, "I think I'm tortured, but I'm just pretentious."
And the vampire boy is like, "I will just stare at you..."
"...For some reason, I find that very attractive."
So, at first, the girl is like, "Ew! You're a vampire. I don't like that!"
But the guy is like, "It's okay. I'm a vegetarian vampire!"
He says it's like eating tofu.
That's not very scary, y'know!
You don't see Dracula going around saying, "Look out! I'm going to attack whole foods!"
So then, he goes in the sunlight...which I guess doesn't kill him.
Because they're vegetarian vampires. They get more Vitamin D.
And his skin starts shining like diamonds!
And the girl is like, "Boy, some girls are lucky if their boyfriend gets them a diamond. But my boyfriend is covered in diamonds!"
Can I just wear you on my finger?
But then, the real, evil vampires come.
And they're like, "We want to eat your girlfriend."
And he's like, "Why?"
And they're like, "Because!" (Gasps)
So, the good vampires are trying to hide away the girl.
But then, the bad vampires are like (Sniffs twice), "I smell pretentiousness. She's that way!"
So, an evil vampire bites the girl on her arm.
And, apparently, he puts poison in her body!
So, he's a cobra...vampire killer.
Didn't I see one of those on "G.I. Joe"?
So, the good vampire has to suck the evil out of her arm.
And the father is like, "You have to stop sucking. You're sucking too much!"
And the boy vampire is like, "That's nothing. You should see what she sucked on me!"
Thank you, I'll be here all week.
So, the girl and the vampire go to prom.
And the girl is like, "Turn me into a vampire."
And the boy is like, "I can't."
And the girl's like, "Why?"
And the boy's like, "'Cause we have, like, five more sequels. I'll do it then." "Oh, okay."
But then, one of the evil vampires is watching them.
But she overheard that there were gonna be sequels.
So, she's like, "Oh, okay. I'll just get 'em then."
So, I really liked the vampires, even though they're kinda the most pussified vampires I've ever seen.
But what I wanna see is a vampire bum!
I would make a good vampire bum!
Except I wouldn't drink blood. I would drink alcohol.
And I wouldn't fly. I would just do drugs.
And I wouldn't be interesting. I would just be incredibly repulsive.
Just like a real vampire!
This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?? Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!
I promise I'll buy tofu with it! The children of the night have to stay healthy.