And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1."
OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!
(Mimes holding out ring) Will you marry my-- Spoilers!
There's this girl who's marrying a blood-sucking vampire.
That's what most women think they're marrying anyway.
But it turns out her other boyfriend, a werewolf...
Boy, she knows how to pick 'em.
...is jealous because he wants her too!
Aw c'mon, guy, keep your shirt on.
No, seriously, keep your shirt on-- (throws up arms) There it goes! One second and it's gone!
That has to be a new record for these movies!
But Bella is still so happy that she's marrying the vampire Edward.
It's kinda weird.
It's the happiest day of her life, and she looks like she has a lip twitch! (Mimes this)
Girl, it's your wedding! Finally smile for once!
Look! Even Edward is smiling that awkward smile, and that's really uncomfortable!
But at least he's smiling!
(Mimes walking down the aisle) "How can I smile when there's just so much drama and grief in my life? Oh, oh, it's so sad."
(Over the last part) Oh, Edward, you can keep her.
So Edward and Bella finally get married.
And Edward has a little surprise for her.
"Hey, Bella, remember when I dumped you for a while?"
"And you started getting the hots for that one boy?"
"And he had the hots for you?"
(rolls eyes) "Yeah."
"But you totally dumped him because you're a cocktease?"
(rolls eyes and shrugs) "Yeah."
"And yet for some reason you constantly act like you're interested in him, even though you're getting married to me?"
"And he got so frustrated with that that he decided not to show up to your wedding at all?"
(more annoyed) "Yeah."
"Well, here he is!"
"...I totally have no idea how to feel right now!"
"Well, the script says happy."
"Okay!" (Smiles as a "ding" sound is heard)
So, Edward and Jacob are like, "Dude, I'm totally gonna lay that girl that you have the hots for..."
"Yeah, thanks, but aren't you afraid that's gonna hurt her?"
"Don't worry, we're using protection."
"The trust that I will never endanger her life."
"Wait a minute. You're not even using birth control?!"
"Well, what if she gets pregnant?"
"Oh please. How many couples who have sex without protection actually get pregnant?"
"Well, I'm a teenager. It's my job to make stupid mistakes like this and blame my parents for it." (walks off)
"What does she see in that guy?!"
So Edward and Bella go on their honeymoon and rock the bed.
In that it looks like someone threw rocks at the bed.
I mean, holy smokes, the room looks destroyed!
Imagine what sex with a female vampire is like! (Nothing is shown on screen, then his hands come up like teeth as he makes munching sounds) Ahhhhh!
But then it turns out that Bella gets pregnant.
Hey, those bats can swim!
And both Bella and Edward are like, "How is this possible? Can it be possible?"
"Well, sex does usually lead to kids--"
"Oh, geez, you sound like just like that Jacob guy!"
(under breath) "Wish I'd married him..."
But it turns out they don't exactly know what's growing inside her!
"Really? Nobody knows what's growing inside me?"
"Never in the history of mankind has a vampire ever made love to a human and gotten her pregnant." "I find that very hard to believe."
"Oh, that's right."
So Bella is possibly giving birth to a half-human, half-vampire hybrid.
OH MY GOD, she's giving birth to Blade!
"It's open season on all sparklers!"
Please do that twist! I would love you forever if you put that twist in there!
It turns out the baby inside is trying to kill her!
I imagine anyone that close would want to kill her.
But Edward is like, "Don't worry. We're going to get that thing out of you."
"Clearly you're behind me on this because I'm your husband, and you just agree with me."
"You see, ah..."
"Because obviously nobody has any other say, and there's no other choice in this situation."
"Well, legally I make the choice--"
"I'm so glad we agree to get rid of that little abomination inside of you."
"Abomina-- It's half yours!"
"Don't try to make me better. I'm so distraught."
"How do you think I feel?!" (Gets shushed)
"Oh my God! Who would've thought getting married at such a young age would somehow work against me?"
But Bella decides that she does wanna keep the baby.
And so she's like, "I know it's a boy."
"No, it's not."
"But I feel it! It feels like a boy."
"No, really, it's not. I looked ahead in the script. It's a girl."
"Oh! ...Should probably have crossed that out of the script, but we're stuck with it, so okay..."
So Edward has a little talk with Jacob.
"I want you to talk to her to get rid of the baby."
"Because for some reason she trusts you even more."
"But aren't you married to her?"
"This is turning into a real marriage!"
"Get in there!"
So Jacob tries to talk to her, but it turns out she's not getting rid of the baby.
So Jacob decides to fight on their side!
You see, all the other werewolves want to kill her because of this, but Jacob is gonna stand by her side and he still gets the shaft, doesn't he?
"I still get the shaft, don't I?"
"Even though clearly I'm risking much more, sacrificing much more, I love you much more..."
"Ah, but you forget! Edward stares at me." (Mimes staring, then smiles happily)
"When am I gonna get over you?"
So there's this big battle between the werewolves and the vampires.
All while the baby is beating the shit out of her mother just to get the hell out.
(Mimes punching) "I want out of this pretentiousness!"
And so the baby is born, but it kills Bella in the process.
All the girls start crying, and all the boys break out the champagne.
But then Edward is like, "Maybe if I bite her after she's dead that'll somehow bring her back to life!"
"I...don't think that's how it works--"
"It's Twilight, yeah."
So while Edward starts biting her, Jacob imprints himself onto the baby girl.
Meaning the wolves can't harm her anymore, and Jacob is bound to her forever!
How Freudingly odd.
So all of the werewolves go away, the baby girl is totally safe, and Bella finally turns into a vampire.
"I'm going to suck... (long pause) ...your blood--"
So I'm really excited to know that this is only part one.
Because so many teenage girls deserve to see part two!
After all, we talked about marriage, sex and abortion, all the things we know Twilight will be fantastic at talking about!
Clearly it has a mature, logical understanding of the teenage female mind.
Or at least how to make a profit on it.
This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?! Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!
Hey, Bella, I have a question. Does he sparkle...down there?