And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Twilight Eclipse"
OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!
Will you marry my spoilers!
There's this girl named Bella.
Who's like the greatest role model I've ever seen in my life!
She abandons a caring boyfriend for a boyfriend that just stares at her all day.
Always throws herself into danger and waits for the boy to save her.
Is psychologically tortured for no reason that makes it everybody else's problem.
And dozens of people are dying because of her, and she's like "Sucks."
I wish I could be that good of a role model!
But, unfortunately, I have real problems.
I slept in a box of pudding!
She's a white suburbanite with two handsome boyfriends going after her!
Ooooohhh, the pain!
But I digress.
So she's sitting in a field of flowers with her vampire boyfriend.
And he's like "Marry me."
"Wait, did you say yes?"
"Yes, but I changed it to no now."
Isn't that just like a male? Always pressuring the female into marriage.
But her other boyfriend, who's a werewolf, keeps trying to win her back.
And he's like "I know you love me. Will you come back to me?"
"Yes, if you put on a friggin' shirt!"
(points to sky) "NEVARRRR!"
So Bella finds out about the history of the werewolves.
And I guess this one vampire was hunting the werewolves.
And the wife of one of the werewolves stabs herself in the stomach so that blood will come out to distract the vampire!
That way the other werewolves could kill her!
Couldn't she just have cut her arm or something?
Why does she need to stab herself to show a bit of blood?
Because you don't go to see Twilight to get logic!
That requires thinking.
And I hate that!
So they go to their high school graduation.
And the speaker is like "Graduation is all about not knowing who you are, making mistakes. So venture into that world of uncertain possibilities and discover who you are!"
And Bella is like "I wanna get married!"
Because even more possibilities open up to you when you're married...
Glad those words really sunk in.
But before they get married, Bella is like "I wanna have sex with you!"
"Okay, let me get my clothes off. Wait, what?"
"I knew it. You're gay. You know, it's pretty obvious. I can't believe I didn't catch on-"
"I mean, I won't have sex with you until we're married. It's how I roll."
HOORAY! So he's a...Christian vampire...
...Didn't see that one coming!
But it turns out this female vampire named Victoria is out to get Bella!
Why? Because she's the reason her boyfriend is dead!
"Hello. My name is Victoria. You killed my boyfriend. Prepare to die."
So she's raising an army of newborn vampires to kill her.
So the good vampires and the werewolves decide to join forces to protect her!
Dozens of people will die because she was pretentious!
And she's like "Whatever."
So the werewolf boy and the vampire boy decide to hide her in the mountains.
But the werewolf has to keep her warm because she forgot to wear a coat!
That's right! She forgot to wear a coat in the mountains!
I forgot to wear a coat in the mountains once!
Oh wait, no I didn't. Because even a bum knows to bring a coat into the mountains!
So it turns out Bella really does have feelings for the werewolf, and she kisses him.
And so she walks back to the vampire and is like "I kissed another boy."
(shrugs) "It's cool."
Because the vampire boy is like "You think of others too much. You have to think of yourself more often."
YES! Because if there's anything I was thinking to myself, it's that she doesn't think of herself enough!
God, I'm high.
But then the female vampire finds them in the mountains.
And they have this great big battle for who can stare the most pretentiously!
(Stares and moves head around, making ghostly oohs)
"Oh, screw it!" *punches him and knocks him out*
But then Bella has a brilliant idea!
"I'm gonna do what the wife in that story did."
"No, are you kidding? That would require caring. I'm just gonna cut my arm." *Does so, making whoosh sound*
(Looks over with ding sound)
"Take this, diamond head!" *Judo chops, knocking out*
So it looks like the fight is over.
Except for the fact that there's a little newborn girl that has to be killed.
"Do we have to?"
"To show that Twilight is edgy and can go to dark places even if there's no point for it!"
"Cool. I'm down with that."
(Screams, cut to black as thump is heard)
YAY, pointless, disturbing, gratuitious violence!
So Bella decides she will marry the vampire.
But the werewolf says he'll still be waiting.
Boy, good thing there's not a mummy in this movie, or else there'd be a three-way!
This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?! Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!
C'mon, I'll use it to fund Twilight 4! ...Whaddaya mean the fans don't even wanna see that?!