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Watchmen

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Announcer:

And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Watchmen."


Chester:

OH MY GOD, THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!

They are a bunch of superheroes led by President Nixon!

I didn't even know President Nixon was still president!

They say he was elected five times!

And I voted for him twelve!

I even voted for him after he died.

Because you know what they say: Great men don't die, they just...don't live anymore.

So, these Watchmen have all sorts of heroes.

And one of them is called The Comedian!

And he's hilarious!

He shoots women and children.

And abuses the American dream!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Hilarious.

And there's another hero called Nite Owl.

And he's an awful lot like Batman, only...an owl!

"Who are you?" "You mean, who who are you?"

Thank you, I'll be here all week.

And there's a man called Rorschach.

He fights criminals by distracting them with his face!

"Tell me what my face looks like!" "Oh, it looks like a butterfly!" (Punches) "Eugh!"

And there's a woman dressed entirely in latex.

She looks like Xena: Warrior Slut.

And there's this atomic guy who looks like he's trying out for the Naked Blue Man Group!

I was in the Naked Blue Man Group once!

Apparently, I wasn't Jewish enough.

Whatever that means.

And this blue guy can stop anybody he wants.

Because everybody is distracted by his giganto penis!

Seriously! Doesn't the guy put on any pants?!

My penis is blue too, but you don't see me flaunting it around!

Okay, okay, once or twice.

Every Tuesday.

So, the Watchmen are out to stop the evil Russians!

I was a Russian once!

Only they said I wasn't Jewish enough.

Or maybe that was a brothel.

It was a Russian brothel!

(Russian accent) I will go down on you for 20 wubles.

They're a dime a dozen.

So, the Russians are about to unleash the Cold War.

And this one superhero is like, "I will stop the Russians from blowing up America."

HOORAY!

"Because I'm going to blow it up first!"

Haroo.

So, they're trying to stop the evil superhero from blowing up New York.

And the heroes are like, "You can't blow up New York City!"

And the villain is like, "It's done." "Crap!"

So, it turns out the superheroes aren't really that super.

One superhero blows up New York.

Another one kills women and children.

And the last one just flashes everybody.

Superheroes are assholes!

You never see Superman going around flashing everybody!

Though, his outfit does leave very little to the imagination.

I thought superheroes were supposed to save the day!

But these heroes are like, "Well, we didn't save the world. Just half of it." "Okay."

That's bullcrap!

None of this would have happened if Bum Man was here!

That's right! There's a Bum Man!

He leeches off of Superman, Batman and Santa Clause.

And he vomits on evildoers!

Na na na na na na na na, Bum Man!

In fact, can you keep a secret?

(Looks around and whispers) I'm Bum Man.

Nobody knows 'cause I'm not wearing my glasses.

Or have my traditional theme music.

(Puts on glasses as Indiana Jones theme music plays, then quickly takes them off.)

You see?

The only downside is that now that you know, I'm gonna have to kill you.

(His eyes glow red. There's a red flash of light.)

Heh heh, no, I'm just kidding! I just made you impotent.

Unlike the Naked Blue Man Group.

Of Jewish descent.

This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?? Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!

C'mon, I'll put you in touch with my anchorman! That's the guy who's really more powerful than a locomotive.


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