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Waterworld

Nc waterworld by marobot-d33z09t

Released
November 30,2010
Running time
22:33
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NC: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. Let’s talk about “Waterworld.” (A woman’s scream is heard off-screen) You know that’s always the reaction I get?

(The title screen for “Waterworld” is shown, followed by a montage of clips from that movie)

NC (voiceover): I mean, this film is known as one of the great all-time bombs. It was the most expensive movie made at the time, and it didn’t even come close to making its money back. But is it really as bad as everybody makes it sound? Does it deserve all the bad press it continues to get even to this day? What’s in this movie that just pisses people off so much? Aside from the obvious number 1. (An image of Kevin Costner is shown briefly)

NC: Well, there’s dangerous waters up ahead, let’s see if we can get through them. This is “Waterworld.”

(The movie begins)

NC (voiceover): So after we get the traditional Universal logo—with Earth still having no visible clouds—we take a quick glimpse into the future.

Narrator: The future: The polar ice caps have melted, covering the earth with water. Those who survived have adapted.

NC: Aw, great. It’s a trailer for another Al Gore movie.

NC (voiceover): (as an announcer with the following fake movie title and an image of Al Gore) “An Inconvenient Truth 2: Somebody Listen to Me!”

NC (voiceover): (normal) So we see that mankind has adapted into the Kevin Costner of blandness, Kevin Costner. We see him take a piss, put it through a machine, and proceed to drink it. (Beat) There’s a fitting metaphor for this movie in here, but I can’t quite figure it out. And just to give you an idea how boring Costner’s acting is, just look at this scene. (A few shots of the Mariner’s (Costner) raft are shown) He’s actually in these shots. He hasn’t left the frame. He just leaves such a small impact on the audience that you can’t even see him. Heh, that takes talent. (Cut to the Mariner climbing back into his raft out of the ocean) He then comes across a drifter and makes some chit-chat.

The Mariner: Well, I owe you, then.

Drifter #1: No, thanks. I got all the supplies I need.

The Mariner: Two drifters meet, something needs to be exchanged.

Drifter #1: I know the code.

The Mariner: Nothing’s free in Waterworld.

NC: Hey, it’s the motto the producers of this movie always said.

NC (voiceover): But it turns out the drifter stole his plant, and an evil band of water terrorists called the Smokers are out to get him. (The Mariner goes to push on a lever) And now we see exactly what takes up the majority of time in this movie. (After the lever is pushed, the mechanics of the Mariner’s raft become activated)

NC: Stuff! Just…just stuff!

NC (voiceover): Ooh, look at that stuff go! Have you ever seen so much stuff happening at the same time? Ooh, now he’s spinning some stuff. That stuff must be important, because that stuff allows him to do this stuff! Ooh, look out for that stuff. Knock that stuff over so you can pick up that other stuff while you’re busy trying to handle this stuff.

NC: Stuff! Stuff! Stuff!

NC (voiceover): So he knocks out the other drifter’s boat, and the Smokers catch up with the drifter and shoot him…which begs the question why they didn’t just shoot Costner, but let’s leave the small plot hole for the bigger plot holes. He reaches a city that sort of looks like a papier-mâché toilet seat and sells a jar of dirt for a ton of money. He comes across Hulk Hogan’s barber here as he’s told about a map to dry land that apparently is tattooed on the back of a little girl.

The Mariner: (requests another drink) One more.

The Nord: Make it two. A man this rich will buy for a fellow outwater, I’m sure.

The Mariner: One.

The Nord: That’s an interesting pair of boots you got.

NC (voiceover): I’m confused. Is he trying to establish himself as the arch-nemesis, or trying to ask Costner on a date?

The Nord: You ever have a freshwater bath—?

The Mariner: Why are you talking to me?

The Nord: Just being friendly.

NC (voiceover): Before Costner heads out, though, he’s offered an Asian chick. (Beat) That’s nice.

Asian Man: We can look to our own for impregnation, but too much of that sort of thing gets…undesirable.

(A quick bit of banjo twanging is heard here)

Asian Woman: When she’s pregnant, you go on your way with all the supplies you’ll need.

The Mariner: I don’t have anything. Goodbye.

NC (voiceover): That was a good read, Costner, but, uh, why don’t you try it once more and this time, FUCKING CARE?!

Old Asian Man: No man stays out that long and turns down a woman.

Black Man #1: He’s hiding something.

Asian Man: Maybe he’s a Smoker spy.

NC: Maybe he’s gay. Did they not survive “Highwater”?

NC (voiceover): So upon closer inspection, they find out that Costner is a mutant.

Black Man #2: Gills. (He calls out to the others) Mutation!!

Old Asian Man: He’s a mutant!

NC (voiceover): What are mutants in this world? Well, we’re never given a full explanation, but apparently, they’re half human, half fish people that evolved over time, and everybody hates them.

NC: Um…why?

NC (voiceover): I mean, I know prejudice is a staple of mankind, but you have an apocalyptic world underwater and a guy who can breathe underwater! FUCKING USE HIM! He shouldn’t be put in a net; they should be treating him like royalty! He could solve, like, a bajillion problems in this world, and you’re treating him like a criminal? What’s wrong with these people?!

NC: Seriously, what’s with the hate against mutants?

Professor Xavier (from “X-Men”): The mutants out there with incredible powers…

NC: OK, OK, I get the idea.

NC (voiceover): So because the really cool guy that can breathe underwater and has a lot of healthful elements to him has gills, I guess he must be destroyed.

Asian Man: Therefore, in the interest of public safety, he is hereby sentenced to be recycled.

NC: Into what? Keanu Reeves?

NC (voiceover): But suddenly, the Smokers attack to take over the city, led by an evil man named Deacon, played by Dennis Hopper.

Koopa (from The Super Marios Bros. Movie): A monkey!

NC (voiceover): Actually, something I never quite got is how come they’re called the Smokers. I mean, OK, I guess I can see that everybody smokes, but why does that make them a terrorist group?

NC: Is there another evil organization out there called the Vegetarians? The Shop-aholics? (Photoshopped images of such groups are shown quickly) Or how about the deadliest forces of them all, the Trekkies? (A Photoshopped image of that is shown, followed by the sound of nerds snickering and laughing)

Man #1: To your posts!!

NC (voiceover): Alright, Costner, I want you to watch very closely what these people are doing. This is called giving a shit. You should try it sometime, and maybe your acting will improve.

(Cut to the Smokers on skis ready to jump a ramp and into the city with a seaplane flying above them)

NC (voiceover): (chuckles) OK, now this is turning into a water show. Just slap the Universal Studios Florida logo at the bottom and the advertising takes care of itself.

NC: Look out! They’re about to do a human triangle!

(Footage from a water show with skiers doing the human triangle is shown)

NC (voiceover): So an old man named Gregor accidentally pushes the lever that launches his hot-air balloon that he had in his room. This forces him to leave his friend Helen and a little girl named Enola behind.

Helen: No!

Gregor: I’m sorry! It was an accident!

The Wizard (from “The Wizard of Oz”): I can’t come back! I don’t know how it works. Goodbye, folks!

NC (voiceover): So Helen and Enola have no choice but to free Costner and have him lead them out of the city.

(The Mariner dives into the water and quickly swims up to a raft before leaping out of the water (with a dolphin noise added in by NC) and landing on the raft to punch a Smoker)

NC (voiceover): (as The Mariner, speaking like Captain Falcon of the F-Zero video game series) Dolphin PUNCH!!

NC (voiceover): (Normal) This of course leads to—you guessed it—

NC: MORE STUFF!!

NC (voiceover): Oh, look, he’s pulling that stuff! If you start cutting that stuff, that’ll allow you to start swinging on this stuff. Push that stuff! Pull that stuff! Look out for that stuff.

NC: Oh, I’m out of material. Uh, little girl, you take over.

Enola: That! Come on, push it! Go! Go! Push it hard! Now pull left!

NC: STUUUUFF!!!

(Cut to The Mariner, Helen and Enola on his raft)

The Mariner: (to Helen) Hey! Can you steer?

Helen: Can I trust you?

NC (voiceover): Lady, you’re on his boat! What’s he gonna do, surrender?

The Mariner: Can you steer?

Helen: Can I trust you?

NC: (as the Mariner) No, you can’t. (He shrugs) Whatcha gonna do about it?

NC (voiceover): So he tricks one of the boats into firing at Dennis Hopper, which results in him losing an eye. But our heroes get away on Costner’s boat, as he shows his appreciation to Helen for saving his life.

The Mariner: The kid we gotta pitch over the side.

Helen: What?

The Mariner: It’s better one of you dies now…than both of you die slow.

NC (voiceover): Our hero, everybody! When he’s not busy killing kids, he spends his time stealing from charities and burning down puppy farms. You got another hour and a half with this guy, folks!

Helen: Enola, go below. (Enola does just that)

NC (voiceover): Helen tries to offer herself to him, but that would require him having an emotion, so he turns her down.

(Helen takes a harpoon and aims it at The Mariner threateningly)

Helen: You’re taking us to Dryland.

The Mariner: Killing is a hard thing to do well.

NC: (as The Mariner) It’s not like acting.

(The Mariner activates a lever to bring down the sail onto Helen, covering her; he takes an oar and beats on Helen once before resuming his sailing duties; Enola watches all this from hiding, and he stops to notice her)

NC (voiceover): So I guess…her trying to kill him softens him up, apparently, as he decides not to finish the girl off. But she soon turns out to be a nuisance as she draws all over his boat and continues to pester him.

Enola: I’m not afraid of you. I told Helen you wouldn’t be so ugly if you cut your hair.

The Mariner: (picks Enola up and threatens her) In fact, you talk all the time. It’s like a storm when you’re around! (He tosses her into the ocean)

NC (voiceover): Once again, our hero, everybody! Tired of hating the Nazis so much? Why don’t you try the main character of this film? There’s plenty of jerk to go around.

Helen: You bastard! She can’t swim! (She dives in after Enola)

NC: Wait, wait, wait, w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-wait. (Beat) She can’t swim. (Pauses) She’s in a place called WATERWORLD, AND SHE CAN’T SWIM?! Isn’t that kind of like being in the Antarctic and not knowing how to put on a coat?! (A Photoshopped image of a man in only his underwear and in the Antarctic with penguins is shown) I mean…HELLO! Some things go without saying!!

NC (voiceover): So Costner swings around and picks them both up. Before they could, I don’t know, build character, two of the Smokers arrive and try to destroy them.

Smoker Airplane Pilot: (to his co-pilot) That’s a nice touch. That’s them!

NC (voiceover): By the way, that’s Jack Black piloting the plane there. You’ll remember him from such future disappointments as “Gulliver’s Travels.” (The poster for that movie is shown briefly)

(Helen fires a machine gun at the plane, hitting the co-pilot)

Prince Regent (from “Blackadder”): Hurrah!

(However, the ammo that came out of the machine gun has a wire attached to it, causing the gun to be pulled up to the top of the sail and cling onto it)

Prince Regent (from “Blackadder”): Hurroo.

NC (voiceover): So the plane is stuck swinging around the boat as the pilot tries to cut the wire.

(The pilot uses his gun to break the wire and is free; this results in the raft landing flat on the ocean surface (after being pulled toward its side from the ammo’s wire) and catapulting The Mariner into the ocean (The Goofy yell is heard here))

NC (voiceover): Upset at her actions, Costner does the balls-iest thing he can think of! He gives her a haircut! (Beat) I’m not even joking. That’s really what he does.

The Mariner: (to Helen) Don’t…ever touch anything…on my boat again.

NC: (as The Mariner) Next time, it’ll be a perm with blonde highlights. BLONDE HIGHLIGHTS!!

NC (voiceover): He does the same thing to the girl—turning her into Haley Joel Osment—just as they come across another drifter.

Helen: I thought you all stopped each other. (The Mariner looks at her for a bit before returning to view the drifter through his binoculars) Maybe if we had some FOOD!!!

NC: (reacts in surprise) Jesus, lady! Did you pass a kidney stone on that line?

Helen: FOOD!!!

NC: (mocks Helen) FOOD!!!

NC (voiceover): They meet up with the drifter, who I swear to God is played by a perverted Robin Williams.

Drifter #2: Got yourself a wee harem goin’ here now, do ya say? What do you want for the women?

Helen: We’re not for sale.

Drifter #2: Are they a pair, or would you consider sellin’ ‘em separate?

Jake (from “The Blues Brothers”): Your women, I want to buy the women. The little girl, your daughters…sell them to me.

The Mariner: Half an hour.

Helen: Don’t!

The Mariner: Shut up.

Drifter #2: 45 minutes with the wee one right there. I like to do the talkin’, if you know what I mean.

NC (voiceover): So just to backtrack, everybody, the most expensive film at the time included incest, child murder, and now pedophilia. How is it this film didn’t connect with the mainstream audience again?

(Drifter #2 stands behind Helen)

Drifter #2: (whispers as though in lust) Half an hour, half an hour, half an hour, half an hour, half an hour, half an hour!

NC (voiceover): But just as the drifter is about to rock her boat, Costner changes his mind and saves her. (The Mariner and Drifter #2 fight down below with Helen and Enola standing above them) I think it’s safe to say this isn’t worth any amount of (as Helen) FOOD!!!

(Drifter #2 peeks out, sees Helen and Enola, and starts to approach them; we see there is a red streak painted down his back, presumably blood)

NC: Oh, no, he painted his back red! That’s just annoying!

(Drifter #2 grows weak and collapses, dying)

NC (voiceover): (as Drifter #2) Nanu-ing is such sweet sorrow.

NC (voiceover): (normal) So Costner goes to try and get some (as Helen) FOOD!!! (normal) by using himself as bait. He kills a…sandworm in the water—that’s a bit of a paradox—as he finally manages to feed everybody.

(Enola hums to herself as she’s eating before she stops to look at The Mariner, who stares at her)

NC (voiceover): (as Enola, whispers) I see dull people.

Enola: You don’t like my singing, do you?

NC (voiceover): So Costner…rather sporadically, decides he does like the kid now and is going to show her how to swim.

The Mariner: Let the water tell your arms and legs how to move. We’re going down. Hold your breath. (He dives under water with Enola holding onto him)

NC (voiceover): So we get a good minute and a half of just the two of them swimming, which, after you introduce the idea of pedophilia in this world, it’s starting to look a little suspicious.

NC: Now, hey, I’m not saying anything! I’m just saying that once you drop that bomb, you drop that fucking bomb!

NC (voiceover): OK, so they come across another trap set by the Smokers as they turn around and try to hightail it out of there.

NC: This looks like a job for—you guessed it!—

(Insert a clip of the spin cycle that starts off the Adam West “Batman” TV series with the word “STUFF!” superimposed over Batman’s head; NC, in a voiceover, sings to the rhythm of the Adam West “Batman” TV series theme song with the word “Stuff” spoken on every note and the same word flashing at the bottom of the screen during the scene of The Mariner getting his raft’s mechanics ready; Cut to NC singing the last notes of the song with “STU-UFF!” as the word flashes below him)

NC (voiceover): But Hopper gets a good shot and it wounds Costner pretty hard.

Enola: He’s hurt.

NC: (in a dumb voice) Doyyyyy!

NC (voiceover): But Costner heals pretty fast—in fact, I dare say it…doesn’t affect him at all—as Helen demands that Costner takes her to see Dryland.

The Mariner: Get in. (He dives into the water)

Helen: Well, what about Enola?

The Mariner: There’s only air for one. Get in the water.

Helen: (to Enola) It’ll be alright.

NC (voiceover): Oh, yeah, she’ll be fine. Just ignore the fact that you JUST ESCAPED THE TERRORISTS, THEY’RE MOST LIKELY TRACKING YOU RIGHT NOW, AND LITERALLY YOU’RE NOT MOVING!

NC: Let’s just put the Idiot Clock up there to count down what a dumb idea this was.

(A digital clock labeled “IDIOT CLOCK” appears above NC’s right shoulder with 21 seconds on it which begins to count down)

NC (voiceover): So he drags her underwater in this safety bubble only to show her that Dryland is all washed up. Of course, you could make the argument that the air pressure would kill her and if not, she’d probably run out of oxygen eventually, but like I said, let’s keep this one plot hole at a time.

NC: And speaking of which, the Idiot Clock is almost up. HOW’S ENOLA?!

(Cut to the Deacon (Hopper) capturing Enola)

NC (voiceover): WHAAA?! The Smokers got her?!

NC: Well, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you two were IDIOTS!!!

NC (voiceover): They jump in the water and Costner breathes oxygen into her mouth, leaving the Smokers to destroy the boat and take Enola away to try and figure out the map on her back.

(The Mariner returns to the surface to find his boat has been destroyed)

The Mariner: (in monotone) My boat.

NC (voiceover): (as The Mariner, mocking his monotone delivery) You maniacs. You blew it up. Damn you. Damn you all to hell.

NC (voiceover): (normal) So as they sit there stranded, Helen asks Costner a question.

Helen: When I offered myself to you, why didn’t you take me?

The Mariner: ‘Cause you didn’t really want me.

NC (voiceover): Well, it’s good to know he’s an ethical savage. Trying to murder children, sell women and drowning little girls is fine, but when a lady says no, he knows it means “no.”

(The Mariner and Helen kiss)

NC (voiceover): So while participating in “Post Boat Burning Stepdaughter Kidnapping Inevitable Death” sex…

NC: Which, let’s be honest, is the best sex.

NC (voiceover): The mother of all friggin’ coincidences takes place.

(Gregor appears above the boat in his hot-air balloon)

Gregor: No, no, no! Helen, up here! Above you!

NC: WHAAAAA?!!

NC (voiceover): Yeah, I guess he got that whole “controlling the balloon so he can pick up people” thing figured out, but it turns out other people survived as they band together and try to figure out what to do.

(Cut to nighttime as the people gear up and figure out a plan)

Helen: (to the other people) There is land. It’s right under our keel. None of it is dry anymore.

The Mariner: Some is. Enola’s been there. I know that now. I saw what she drew.

Man #2: (laughs) So that’s why he’s going after Enola: to find Dryland.

The Mariner: I don’t care about Dryland.

Man #3: This is ridiculous.

NC: (laughs) I don’t think he’s talking about the plan. I think he was talking about Costner’s acting.

The Mariner: I don’t care about Dryland.

NC: (mock’s The Mariner’s monotone) I don’t care about Dryland.

Man #3: This is ridiculous.

NC (voiceover): So Costner decides to go after Enola alone, finding the Smokers’ ship and being lucky enough to find a series of holes that just happen to lead right up the boat. Lucky, lucky!

The Nord: (to Enola while pouring a drink) You’ve got your pet freak coming to rescue you.

Enola: He’s not a freak, and he can take you anytime. (She narrates while the film intercuts with The Mariner heroically finding his way through the ship) He’s killed dozens of people. He doesn’t have mercy or anything. He even kills little girls. He doesn’t have a name so death can’t find him. He doesn’t have a home or people to care for. He’s not afraid of anything, men least of all.

NC (voiceover): You know, it’s pretty bad when a little girl has to be your spokesperson in a movie. It doesn’t make the hero look especially tough. I mean, can you imagine if Samuel L. Jackson from “Pulp Fiction” had a kid as a spokesperson?

NC (voiceover): (as a kid, serving as spokesperson over footage of Jules Winnfield (Jackson)) His furl can block out the light of a thousand suns! His teeth can take out even the biggest of Kahuna burgers! And his constant use of the “N” word makes my mommy so angry, that he’s well worthy, all right— (Jules Winnfield fires his pistol) Ahh!

Jules Winnfield (from “Pulp Fiction”): Oh, I’m sorry. Did I break your concentration?

Enola: (continues narrating over The Mariner, who strangles one of Deacon’s men) He’s fast and strong like a big wind. He can hear a hundred miles and see a hundred miles underwater. He can hide in the shadow of a noon sun.

(Cut to Black Dog Bill (from NC’s “How to Be a Pirate” sketches))

Black Dog Bill: Kevin Costner is so mighty that they say even Bloodbeard Joe can’t defeat him! (Other bar patrons boo him from off-screen) No, no, I didn’t say that. I didn’t say—no. Somebody else thought it up. No, no, it was a little girl. She’s totally crazy. (A patron throws a parrot at him, making him collapse)

(Back to the review)

NC (voiceover): So Hopper hypes up the crew by showing them that he has the map to Dryland. This encourages the crew to keep on rowing, which—let’s be honest—looks unbelievably silly. But Costner comes in after the crowd has left to get his friend back.

The Nord: (chuckles) It’s him.

Enola: (smiles) It is him. You guys are in so much trouble.

(Deacon slaps Enola)

NC: Thank you! Annoying little brat. Can I see it again?

(The clip of Deacon slapping Enola is shown again)

NC: God, that’s satisfying. Can I see a cycle of that? (The same clip is shown in a repeated cycle; He giggles) Such pleasure.

Deacon: (to The Mariner, who is down below) I thought you were stupid, friend. But I underestimated you. You are a total freaking retard!

The Mariner: I want the girl. That’s all.

Deacon: But what on this screwed-up earth makes you think she’s gonna get hurt?

NC (voiceover): Hey, uh, just out of curiosity, um, why aren’t they shooting him?! Isn’t this just giving him time to whip out a flare, light it up, drop it down a pipe and blow up the entire ship—? Yes, it is! (The ship does blow up in flames as a result of The Mariner’s actions) Now, to be fair, this does lead to a very funny scene where the one guy who lives a very tortured life looking after the oil sees the flare drop.

Oil Man: Oh, thank God. (The flare causes an explosion)

NC (voiceover): OK, you gotta admit that’s really funny.

Deacon: Don’t just stand there! Kill something!

Enola: Was this your big vision?

NC: …Alright, show me the scene again. (The clip of the Deacon slapping Enola is shown again) Thank you.

NC (voiceover): So Hopper gets the girl to the plane as we finally get the showdown between Costner and Goldilocks here.

The Nord: (chuckles) You should’ve stayed under water. (He tries to fire at the Mariner, but nothing happens; The Mariner shoots him)

NC (voiceover): Well, wasn’t that a thrilling build-up to an unbelievable letdown? So we see that Hopper is getting away with Enola on the plane. What’s Costner to do??

NC: (speaks like Michael Buffer) Let’s get ready for stuuuuuuuuufffffffffff!

(The word “Stuff” appears and grows in front of NC before it flashes all over the screen during the scene of The Mariner strategically using a hook to bring down the plane and rescue Enola; all the while, we hear the fighting theme music from Mortal Kombat)

NC: (gives a salute) God bless you, stuff. (He sniffles) We love you.

NC (voiceover): So Costner gets Enola to the balloon, but again, Hopper—being the world’s greatest shot—knocks her off.

(Enola yells and falls into the water from high above)

Helen: (while Enola falls) No! Enola, no!

NC (voiceover): He and some henchmen try to get to her as Costner thinks up a plan, which leads to—and let’s be honest here—one of the STUPIDEST rescue scenes ever!

(The Mariner bungee jumps from the balloon to grab Enola and bring her back up)

NC (voiceover): WHAT THE FLYING FUCKBUCKET?! This whole movie is spent on showing us all the technical aspects and exactly how it works, and yet the last action scene comes down to a Wile E. Coyote scenario?! Oh, and I just love how they happen to have the exact amount of bungee cord from the balloon to the water to pull this stunt off! What a bloody douche, man! What a bloody douche!

(Deacon and two of his men are on their jet skis and are about to collide into each other and scream)

Koopa (from “The Super Mario Bros. Movie”): Bob-omb.

(All three collide into each other, causing an explosion)

NC (voiceover): So Gregor finally figures out the language on her back and figures out the way to Dryland. And of course—wouldn’t you know it?—they eventually come across it.

(All our heroes start to explore Dryland and laugh joyously)

NC: Alright, I want to end this review, so…insert “Lost,” “Blue Lagoon,” “Swiss Family Robinson,” “Jurassic Park,” and/or “Gilligan’s Island” joke here. (A Photoshop mash-up of the characters from the aforementioned movies and TV shows is shown briefly) Get creative.

NC (voiceover): So Costner, of course, says he doesn’t belong in this world and decides to go back to the sea. I guess he prefers drinking his own piss. He says goodbye to the girl, gives the most non-caring kiss ever given to a woman, and sets out to let people down again in “The Postman.” (The poster for that movie is shown briefly)

NC: Whew! Okay. That’s “Waterworld,” one of the biggest bombs of all time. (Beat) But is it one of the worst movies of all time?

(Clips from the movie play again as NC speaks)

NC (voiceover): Well, let’s look at the bad stuff. Costner’s a bore, there’s a ton of little plot holes that do start to add up, and as far as the expensive movie at the time goes, yeah, I’d probably expect a lot more, too. But for what it is, just a basic shoot-‘em-up action film, it’s not that bad. The sets are a lot of fun, you really get an atmosphere for this world, Dennis Hopper is enjoyably over-the-top…

NC: And to be honest…I kinda like stuff!

NC (voiceover): Watching the technicals of this world is really enjoyable. I like seeing how everything works and functions as it makes the world seem a lot more practical and real. But does that make it a good movie? No. But I don’t see how that makes it an awful one, either. Maybe in a way, that’s its worst crime. One of the most expensive movies of all time, and it’s just OK. It’s not spectacularly bad, it’s not spectacularly good; it’s just OK. For many moviegoers, simply being an OK movie is the biggest letdown. But for me, it simply means it’s OK. Take what you will from that and decide on your own.

NC: I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. (He starts to get up and leave, but then stops) One more time.

(The clip of Deacon slapping Enola is shown one last time)

NC: Thank you. (He finally gets up to leave)

THE END

Channel Awesome Tagline—Helen: FOOD!!!

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