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Whistle

Whistle by krin

Date Aired
August 30th, 2012
Running Time
13:38
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Todd plays "Whistle" on his piano.

FLO RIDA - WHISTLE
A pop song review.

Todd: For several months now, pop radio has been dominated by a very small number of gigantic megahit chart toppers.

Clips of the following songs
fun.: Tonight...

Todd (VO): First we had fun., taking over the chart for six weeks with their out-of-nowhere breakthrough smash "We Are Young". That oddity was bested by an even stranger hit single, "Somebody That I Used to Know" by Gotye, which did it one better by resting at #1 for eight weeks. But of course, even that was bested by a nine-week stay at the top of the Hot 100 from the unstoppable juggernaut that was "Call Me Maybe". These three songs dominated the year, and they felt like it. They were completely and totally inescapable, dominating the popular consciousness with instantly memorable videos, endlessly earworming lyrics, [picture of Darth Vader] memes, [picture of Gotye driving: "You didn't have to cut me off"] parodies. Whether you liked them or not, they all left a complete and thorough imprint on the popular consciousness.

Todd: And I have been watching intently to see who would be the next artist to come along and grab America's heart and clutch it tight and mercilessly? Who is our next star?! [Picture of Flo Rida. *raspberry*] ...What?

Video for "Whistle"
Flo Rida: Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle baby
Let me know

Todd (VO): This is Flo Rida. If you don't remember him from the last time I reviewed him, well, don't worry, that's perfectly understandable because Flo Rida is a walking contradiction in music history—[Pop Dust article: "Flo Rida: Anonymous Occupant of the Top Ten"] the superstar who isn't famous. With his latest, he now has eight Top Ten hits, and yet still probably wouldn't get recognized on the street.

Todd: I didn't expect to ever review this guy again because...well, really, once you've reviewed one Flo Rida song, you've reviewed them all. But more importantly, I just assumed he would go away. He's...

Clips... of "Club Can't Handle Me"

Todd (VO): ...he's got no skills, and unlike most talentless celebrities, he's got no personality either. And yet somehow in 2012, ["Wild Ones"...] he's more successful than ever. I can only assume that's because people can't get sick of somebody when they mostly don't realize he's here to begin with.

Video for "Good Feelin"
Flo Rida: Yes I can

Todd (VO): Now I figured I had already analyzed all that can be analyzed from this beefy slab of walking stupid, but his continued success deserves some scrutiny.

Todd: And I will say this. Listening to his latest hits, I do understand at least a little why his last couple songs have been so big.

Todd (VO): You see, there are some artists who make album-length statements—we call them [album cover of Radiohead's The King of Limbs] album artists—and we distinguish them from singles artists, [single cover of Rihanna's "Take a Bow"] who don't put out coherent albums and are best listened to one song at a time.

Todd: Flo Rida is somehow even less than that. A hook artist.

Clip of "Low"

Todd (VO): He's kept himself relevant by continuously finding good collaborators to write those hooks, working with [pictures of...] T-Pain, will.i.am, David Guetta, and now even EDM stars like Avicii right at their commercial peaks.

"Good Feeling"
Etta James: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, sometimes I get a good feeling

Todd (VO): "Good Feeling" sampled a very good techno song that itself used a very good Etta James sample.

Clip of "Wild Ones"
Sia: Hey I heard you were a wild one

Todd (VO): "Wild Ones", meanwhile, was instantly striking, due to the unique vocals of Sia.

PawDugan: The Sia I know is dead. Dead!

Todd: Shut up, Paw.

Clip of "Club Can't Handle Me"

Todd (VO): Unfortunately, Flo's talent for finding interesting hooks only means that his music is evolving, but he himself is not. For "Good Feeling" and "Wild Ones", I had the same complaint that I issued about the first Flo Rida song I reviewed, "Club Can't Handle Me".

Flo Rida: You know I know how

Todd (VO): These songs have wonderful choruses, but they're ruined by Flo Rida's lack of personality or talent.

Todd: And then there's newest song, which is called "Whistle" because of course it is.

Video for "Whistle"
*whistle*

Todd (VO): We've already got a billion songs in the past year with whistling in them, so of course now we have a song called "Whistle". And while we're capitalizing on obnoxious trends, why don't you just release a song called "Stupid Lyrics"?

Todd: But anyway, this song in particular. Well...despite the fact that I don't think Flo Rida is very talented, I can say this—it defied my expectations. Flo Rida actually manages to not ruin this hook.

Flo Rida: Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle baby
Let me know
Girl I'm gonna show you how to do it
And we start real slow
You just put your lips together
And you come real close
Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle baby

Todd: Because it was already terrible.

Flo Rida: Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle baby

Todd (VO): I'm putting it right here on the table, this is Flo Rida's worst song. Yes, worse than [clip of...] "Right Round". Not mediocre, not wasted potential, just full-on, complete suck. I wish I could say that's because that, for once, the hook isn't catchy, but...no, Flo Rida still has a knack for that.

Todd: This is still catchy.

*whistle*

Todd: It's very catchy.

Flo Rida: Whistle baby, whistle baby
Hey!
*whistle*

Todd: If you were feeling uncharitable, you might call it insufferably, obnoxiously catchy.

Todd (VO): You might even call it a brain-destroying, hamster-dance-level irritant of biblical proportions catchy

*whistle*
Flo Rida: Whistle baby, whistle baby
Hey!

Todd seethes and groans, pulling his hood down

Todd (VO): What's wrong with catchiness? Catchy is the first and most important quality in a pop song, right? If that whistle gets stuck in your head, doesn't that mean it's a good thing? Don't you want a song in your head?

Todd: Well, see, here's the thing, and this is a secret, so try to keep it on the down-low. [Whispers] This song is not actually about whistling.

Flo Rida: Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle baby
Let me know
You just put your lips together
And you come real close

Todd: See, it's not really a whistle, it's his penis. So whenever you whistle that catchy tune, what you're actually listening to is the sound of Flo Rida's orgasm.

[Gets up and walks upstairs to the bathroom. The sound of running water is heard]

  • sobbing* Get it off me, get it ooooofff!

[He returns to his chair]

God, never be clean. I thought that Drake song was bad.

Clip of Drake - "Best I Ever Had"
Drake: But I can make your pussy whistle

Todd: So let's talk about whistling...in relation to blowjobs.

Flo Rida: You just put your lips together
And you come real close

Todd: Obviously, this is a take-off of the famous Lauren Bacall quote from the film To Have and Have Not.

Clip from same movie
Marie Browning: You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve? You just put your lips together and...blow.

Todd (VO): Question: why does this sound so much better when she says it?

Todd: Maybe it's because Flo Rida does everything in his power to drain the entendre out of it.

Todd (VO): Now check out Bacall—smooth, smoky, seductive. Meanwhile, Flo Rida may as well be air-humping with his tongue hanging out of his mouth. [Todd demonstrates] That's right, I said it. Flo Rida is no Lauren Bacall.

Todd: [thumps chest] These are the controversial statements that make me so widely admired for my honesty.

Todd (VO): It's not just Flo Rida that doesn't work here, it's the whistling too. Like, this is some serious Andy Griffith shit right here. Whistling usually isn't sexy, but it can be. Not this one, though. This is a bright sunshiny day, walking to the corner general store to get some milk kind of stuff.

Todd happily walks out with a big smile on his face

Flo Rida: Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle baby

Todd (VO): Of course, Flo Rida also ruins the metaphor by making it more explicit and literal.

Flo Rida: You just put your lips together
And you come real close

Todd (VO): You know, now that I think of it, when a girl gives a blowjob, they're also supposed to keep their mouths open.

Todd: ...I think. [pause] I know! I know. I mean, I know. [pause] Moving on.

Todd (VO): And then, of course, there's the other lyrics. Now keep in mind, I'm fully aware that no one cares about the verses to Flo Rida songs—they're useless, easily ignorable, and basically only exist because courtesy dictates you have something else besides the chorus in your songs.

Todd: On top of that, I can't be entirely sure what they actually are.

Flo Rida: I'm betting you like feet bowl

Todd (VO): I'm relying on lyrics websites here, but everywhere I look has different interpretations because no one can understand what the hell he's saying. He raps like he has a mouth full of Novocaine, and he does something to his voice in production that makes him sound like he's singing through a [picture of...] damn fan.

Todd: So keep in mind, when I review these lyrics, I could be getting them completely wrong. I mean, you can make the case that an honest review would just ignore these verses entirely because they don't matter, but...no, I'm drawing the line.

Todd (VO): I'm drawing the line here. You can't just mumble your lyrics at high speed and just assume that no one will care enough about what you're saying, that you can even get away with whatever.

Todd: I'm gonna sit here and I'm gonna take him to task for every lazy, stupid line. Alright, let's see what you got.

Flo Rida: I'm betting you like people
And I'm betting you love freak mode
And I'm betting you like girls that give love to girls
And stroke your little ego
I bet you I'm guilty, your honor

Todd: Um...Flo, are you talking to yourself?

Flo Rida: I bet you I'm guilty, your honor

Todd (VO): Well, someone's got to talk to you, I guess. Actually, the idea that this is all happening in Flo Rida's head is quite funny to me. He's imagining being a hot club icon, talking to himself while he's being ignored at the bar.

Flo Rida: I bet you I'm guilty, your honor
That's just how we live in my genre

Todd: Yeah, well, your genre sucks. Sorry I had to be the one to tell you.

Flo Rida: That's just how we live in my genre
Who in the hell done paved the road wider?

Todd: What?

Flo Rida: Who in the hell done paved the road wider?

Todd (VO): "Done...paid the rottweiler"?

Todd: Well, I don't know who paid the rottweiler. Do you have some kind of business manager that takes care of your rottweiler services?

Flo Rida: Who in the hell done paved the road wider?

Todd (VO): Oh, okay, "paved the road wider." "Who done paved the road wider?"

Todd: Well, you are a pretty beefy guy. I do imagine we'd have to dig out a few extra lanes for you.

Flo Rida: Who in the hell done paved the road wider?
There's only one Flo, and one Rida

Todd: Yes, I agree, there is only one Flo. Unfortunately, [Picture of Flo from the Progressive commercials] it's not you. I mean, who are you trying to kid here? Flo Rida—[picture of Flo Rida with question mark over face] often imitated, never duplicated, Flo Rida is a [picture reading: "Even I don't know who I am!"] unique, incomparable personality the likes of which we shall never see again! Although this is progress. Flo Rida has acknowledged the existence of someone named Flo Rida, meaning he's taken the first step in forming an identity. It's a start.

Flo Rida: I'm a damn shame

Todd: Correct.

Flo Rida: Order more champagne, pull a damn hamstring
Tryin' to put it on ya

Todd: Translation: Flo Rida's attempts at seduction are so pathetic and desperate, he causes physical injury to himself.

Todd (VO): Geez, this isn't getting any better, is it?

Flo Rida: It's like everywhere I go
My whistle ready to blow
Shawty don't leave a note
She can get anybody low

Todd (VO): Ugh, this hurts.

Todd: Like, here's one of the most amazing things about this guy. Some artists will stretch a word's pronunciation to make it sort of rhyme, or they'll use a colorful metaphor to make a rhyming word fit the song. Flo Rida somehow mispronounces words to make them fit the rhyme scheme even though, and here's the big thing, they still don't make any sense. Now my personal favorite is here.

Flo Rida: Girl I'm losing wing, my Bugatti the same road
Show me your perfect pitch, you got it, my banjo
Talented with your lips, like you blew out the candles

Todd: Okay, first off, your banjo? [Clip of man playing banjo on Late Show] Sexy. Okay, I thought you were calling it your whistle. That was easily to visualize, at least. Or can we just substitute any musical instrument in there?

[Man playing polka on accordion]

[singing] Can you play my accordion, baby
Accordion, baby, let me know
You just squeeze the box together
Then you press the keys and the appropriate bass note with your opposite hand

Secondly, I'm not sure Flo Rida understands his own innuendo.

Flo Rida: Talented with your lips, like you blew out the candles

Todd (VO): Flo Rida, I...I hate to break it to you, but blowjobs don't actually involve blowing.

Todd: I think. Also, blowing out candles isn't difficult. Five-year-olds can do it. You're one step away from complimenting this girl for breathing.

Flo Rida: Go on girl you can twerk it
Let me see you whistle while you work it

Todd (VO): This is bad. This is all bad. At a time when even the most serious music critics seem to be falling all over themselves to treat the newest pop song with the same level of scrutiny and respect as a new Arcade Fire album, [Tweet from Slate: "Flo Rida's 'Whistle' is number one on the pop charts. Why???"] no one has anything good to say about Flo Rida, except that he sells records. Saying this is a Flo Rida song doesn't even feel right. It's like calling [image from...] Avatar a Sam Worthington movie—he's there, but you wouldn't really notice if he wasn't. And it's not like he contributes anything.

Just...here's a question—what do you do with this song? The goofy whistling and guitar, I mean, what the hell is this? It's not a club song 'cause you can't dance to it, you can't sing along because no one knows any lyrics, you're not exactly gonna turn it on for lovemaking purposes. I mean...y...you think people realize that this song is explicitly about a blowjob? I can't wait for this to show up on [cover of...] Kidz Bop.

Todd: What is this song good for? Anything? No, I'm done. I'm done. I'm done with this. [Gets up and leaves]

Video ends

Todd is playing The Legend Of Zelda: Twilight Princess, muttering, then starts whistling the hook.

Todd: [catching himself] Oh, God damn it! [Pauses game and hits himself on the head five times with a bat] Okay. [Back to the game]


Closing tag song: Cliff Edwards & Dickie Jones - "Give a Little Whistle" (from Pinocchio)

THE END
"Whistle" is owned by Warner Music Group
This video is owned by me


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