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Why Is Loki So Hot?

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Released
May 21, 2013
Running time
8:02
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(The shortened opening)

(NC sits there, his head looking up at something above)

NC: (looking down to the camera) Really? That's the title we're going with? (looks up again, pointing) I already have enough erotic fan fiction questioning my sexuality, I don't need to give them any more fuel! All right, well, let me clarify a little bit more what I'm talking about.

(Cut to footage of The Avengers)

NC (vo): Since the premiere of The Avengers, one star in particular has stood out the most in terms of attractiveness. Not Hawkeye, not Thor, not even Iron Man.

(Loki, one of the supervillains in the movie, appears)

NC (vo): Nope, I'm talking about Loki. That's right – Loki.

(Cut to a montage of clips featuring Loki)

NC (vo): All the fangirls seem to have the biggest crush on the villain.

(Cut to a montage of images of Loki by fans, such as artwork, cosplays and fan fiction)

NC (vo): There's been fan art, cosplays, fan fiction, you name it. The women just love him.

(Cut to a clip of The Avengers showing Loki confronting Iron Man)

NC (vo): And I'm just gonna be honest: I don't get it. I mean, even something as stupid as...

(Cut to a clip of...)

NC (vo): Edward from Twilight I get because I see they're manipulating the teenage female mind.

(Cut back to Loki)

NC (vo): But why the hell is Loki such a big heartthrob?

(Cut to a shot of the Avengers looking on toward Loki)

NC (vo): I mean, especially when you have all these other attractive people to choose from?

(Cut to a montage of clips featuring Loki)

NC (vo): He's not traditionally good-looking, things almost never go his way, he's not especially manly.

(Cut to a clip of the trailer for Thor: The Dark World)

NC (vo): But when he appeared at the end of the trailer for Thor 2, women went crazy. So what the hell am I missing?

NC: Well, obviously, I'm not the one to answer that, because Scarlett Johansson's boobs...

(Cut to a shot of Black Widow's breasts)

NC (vo): ...won't let my eyes go!

NC: So I posed the question on my Facebook...

(Cut to a shot of the NC's Facebook, in which he asks women what makes Loki so attractive, and 1,207 comments from the post)

NC (vo): ...asking all my nerd ladies out there what it is about Loki that drives them so wild. And seeing how over 1,200 people responded, I think it's safe to say he's still quite the Nordic God-muffin.

(Cut to a montage of clips with Loki)

NC (vo): And after looking through many of the replies, here are some of the common reasons that keep popping up. One is (to a ding, the words "1. The Actor" appears in green) the actor. And granted, Tom Hiddleston is obviously having a ton of fun playing this character. I mean, look at him mug with that smile; look at how much he owns that phenomenally retarded helmet. His confidence in bringing the role to life could play a major part of this. But I'm not sure if that's entirely the reason, because, A) I hear women use the name Loki more than they do Tom; B) while he's not bad-looking per se, I don't think he's good-looking enough to win women just based on his looks; and C) he appeared in Thor first, and nobody went nuts for him there. If anything, a lot of people thought he was one of the weaker villains in the Marvel movies. Something about Avengers in particular seemed to get the Loki train steaming. Well, first off, maybe just the size of the audience can play a big part, but again, you have so many of these heroes to choose from; why is he suddenly the sex object? Well, maybe because in Avengers, he had another quality that's often considered attractive: (to a ding, the words "2. Power" appears, again in green) Power. Power is always sexy, because the more of it you have, the more you can get whatever you want. And when Loki's focus is the entire world, that's quite a bit of power you got there. He has the ability, he has the manpower, he has a massive alien army on his side; this guy means business.

(Cut to the first Thor movie)

NC (vo): In the first Thor movie, he was powerful but still serving someone else, someone who ruled everything that everybody valued most.

(Cut back to Avengers)

NC (vo): In Avengers, Loki goes Zod on everyone's asses and orders the entire world to (dramatically) KNEEL! (normal) This assurance of power gives him more an assurance of himself, leading to much more confidence than he had in the Thor movie. And confidence, of course, is quite attractive, too. This obviously leads to an abusing of his power, and thus logically drawing us to the next reason of attraction, (to the same ding, the words "3. Bad Boy" appears in green) the bad boy. Loki is the villain, and he loves to be the manipulator, the guy with the plan, the man who always works his way inside your head. Bad loves him, and he loves bad. And as many of you know, a lot of ladies love the bad boys. Why? Because they're abusive, and tough, and dominant, and defiant, and fight off anything they feel is in their way. Well, that sounds... awful! Like a big, insecure brute who punches first and ask questions never. Why would anybody want to be with that?

(Cut to a piece of fanart involving a woman dressed as Loki snuggling with the real Loki)

NC (vo): Well, because if that certain someone can work their way into his heart...

(Cut back to Avengers)

NC (vo): ...maybe he'll be abusive, tough, dominant, defiant, and fight off anything for that certain someone; a person who can be "that one", and the only one to ever find the good in him, and of course, his gratitude would be so great that you never gave up on him, he would have no choice but to love you forever. (beat) Or, he could turn you into vapor and force you to KNEEL!

NC: (holds up index finger) But for many ladies, it's worth the risk.

NC (vo): But absolute power and evil can lead to absolute boredom and become way too one-note.

(Cut to clips of Loki being attacked by different Marvel heroes, such as Iron Man and the Hulk)

NC (vo): That is, unless there's something there to balance it out. This brings us to our next commonly-seen attraction to this character, (to the same ding, the words "4. Whoobie" appears, as always, in green) the woobie.

NC: What's that? You don't know what a woobie is? (laughing) Oh, come on, you noob! C'mon, everybody knows what a woobie is! Are you really so young to the Internet? (pulls out laptop computer) I'm just gonna type that in right now (starts typing) to confirm to you what it is word for word just so you can know specifically what it is... to confirm how stupid you are. (stops typing) Ah, here we go. A woobie obviously is (reads) "a type of character who makes you feel extremely sorry for them". (looks up) So there you go! (looks at laptop again; looks shocked) Hey, how come I'm in that trope?!

(Cut to footage of Marvel films featuring Loki, centering on his conflict with Thor, his brother)

NC (vo): Loki is definitely no stranger to the affectionate female "awww". He has a tragic backstory of never living up to his brother's potential, never getting the love he thought he deserved, finding out in his adult years that he was adopted, and, particularly in The Avengers, just having things constantly go wrong for him. In many ways, Loki is only as powerful as he is pathetic. I mean, this guy is always getting his ass handed to him, usually in the middle of what's supposed to be an intimidating speech.

(Cut to footage of Loki's speeches)

Loki: I don't think I– (his shield explodes, knocking him backwards; cut to another scene) And I will not be bullied by– (the Hulk grabs him and slams him against the ground repeatedly)

(In another scene, Loki grabs an arrow that was fired at him and looks it rather smugly, only for it suddenly explode, knocking him off his jet board)

NC (vo): Yeah, this ultimate ruler of power is usually a punching bag, so why would someone who constantly gets the shit beat out of him constantly be considered sexy? Well, my guess is, so that certain loved one can be there to nurture and love him back to proper strength. And we all know he does have proper strength, again kinda working back to the bad boy element in that the loved one can be the only unique person who can give the emotional support he needs to pull himself out of his evil slum and back into power again, obviously resulting in thanking her for saving him from the terrors of his own dark depression, and being even more thankful that she's the only one who could do it.

NC: And my guess is, in the end, this'll be the lucky lady to do it. (briefly cut to a shot of Thor) Wait, that's a dude? (the words "His Brother" appears in yellow; NC becomes incredulous) They're brothers?!

NC (vo): But again, there doesn't seem to be one particular element that everyone can agree on is the one element that makes him attractive.

NC: And that's when it hit me: maybe it isn't (all of the four reasons of attraction are displayed in front of him) one of these elements, maybe it's (the four reasons of attraction all come together into one) all of these elements. (the four words all turn into an image of a smiling Loki, one of whose teeth shines with a ding)

NC (vo): Loki seems to be that perfect combination of dominant and submissive, weak and strong, intimidating and pathetic. And because they picked an actor who can balance all those elements so well while also maintaining a good dose of humor, I guess there is something that can probably be considered attractive about him. It's strange, even downright bizarre, but I guess it's better they have a character that can be appreciated for his many complexities as opposed to just one simple attribute. And the fact that he's not a hero makes his failings all the more relatable because, well, we know he supposed to fail; he's the villain. But it's in what way he fails and how much control, or lack of control, he has when it happens. I don't know, he still looks like Marvin the Martian's reindeer to me, but if that's what floats the boat for so many ladies, at least some of us can understand a little bit more why.

(The Who's "Won't Get Fooled Again" briefly plays as Loki walks toward the camera confidently)

NC: (girlish sigh, pretends to faint on the table, then gets back up looking confused) Seriously, that was a dude? (a shot of Thor appears in the corner; NC looks up) I'm not making that title any better for me, am I? (the word "No" appears in yellow)

(The credits roll)

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