Wolverine: Adamantium Rage
May 15, 2009
When Linkara learns that Spoony is going to review a comic book, he decides he has to create his very own COMPLETELY ORIGINAL video game show!
(Open on Linkara irritably walking up to The Spoony One, who is playing a Nintendo DS)
Linkara: Spoony, what's this I hear about you doing a comic book review? (Spoony shrugs) Oh, you think you can do comic books now? You think you're the big comic expert now? Is that what you think? How would you feel if I did a video game review? (Spoony doesn't answer; he is too engrossed in his game) Oh, I see how it is. Well, you know what? I'm gonna do a video game review. I'm gonna make a whole new show about video games! And you know what? It's gonna be ten times better than yours, and ten times more original! Huh?! How do you feel about that, huh?! (Spoony doesn't pay attention, but just gestures slightly) Yeah, that's what I thought. (walks off)
(An AT4W title sequence in the style of the Spoony One's show, theme by the Irresponsibles)
Linkara: Mellow greetings from Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad games fall. Back when I was a little kid, my mom would bring my mother and I to Blockbuster...
(Brother, Not Mother. Idiot.)
Linkara: ...or Hollywood Video, and we were allowed to pick up a game and a movie each. Now, while I did grow up playing video games, I'm not what you would call a gamer. For the longest time, while technology advanced and new consoles were released, I stuck with a single console. Sorry, I know that isn't the most "in" thing to do, but bear in mind, I was, like, eight or nine years old when CD-based consoles started to appear. I didn't have a job, I didn't have the patience to save up my allowance for a console, plus affording games for it. And don't even think that my parents were ever gonna pay for one. There's no way in Hell they were gonna slap down 300 bucks for a PlayStation, especially when there weren't even any games on it that appealed to my puny little brain. So, as a little kid, I grew up on a Commodore 64, moving up to an Amiga, and then eventually to PC games and my first real console, the Sega Genesis. (holds up a Sega Genesis console) Yeah, this thing is (?), something (?) gave to me earlier, I don't have any cables for it. (puts console down) Yeah, I'm not gonna throw this thing. And yeah, it's the Genesis, not the Mega Drive. I don't care what they call it in Japan, they call it the Genesis here; it's the freakin' Genesis!
(Cut to a shot of the cover for the X-Men comic "Age of Apocalypse")
Linkara (v/o): Anyway, despite the fact that I didn't read comic books at that point, I was still a fan of the Spider-Man and X-Men TV series being aired on FOX, and I had some word-of-mouth knowledge on some of the stuff that was happening in stories like "Age of Apocalypse" or "The Clone Saga" or etc.
Linkara: So I played the X-Men Genesis games and the awesome beat-'em-up Spider-Man: Maximum Carnage, but there was one game in particular that I remember being the height of frustration. Now, I figure it's because I was a little kid and my reflexes weren't the sharpened, toned gamer senses you have as an assault. (gestures toward Spoony behind him) And because that jerk back there thinks he can review a comic book, I might as well try out a game. So let's dig into Wolverine: Adamantium Rage and find out if I can actually play this.
(The game's opening cutscene is shown)
Linkara (v/o): We start off with this cutscene of Wolverine getting his Adamantium skeleton. He's apparently suffering from Chia Pet Disorder, and he breaks out of his confinement.
Scientist: It seems our Mr. Logan is something more than human.
Linkara: (singing) More human than human... More human than human... (looks toward Spoony behind him) C'mon, Spoony, join in! (Spoony, playing his game, shakes his head and waves dismissively) You suck.
(In the game, Wolverine is displayed in green and roaring as he breaks out of his chains)
Linkara (v/o): (as Wolverine) LOGAN SMASH! (beat) And suddenly, he's in his costume. Weird.
(The game's cutscenes end and the game proper begins, with Linkara playing)
Linkara (v/o): Okay, let's test the buttons to see what does what. A is jump, B is kick, C is claw. Now, the one thing I'll give to you for this, game, is that it does have a nice variety of moves from claw strikes to– (Wolverine keeps bumping into a flying robot enemy that he can't seem to fight) Okay, what the hell is this?! I'm getting my ass kicked by this stupid little robot! This is only the first enemy in the game! Well, get used to this, folks; this thing is the most annoying bad guy I've ever encountered. While it has a limited range, it will follow you and attack you at every opportunity! It's fast as hell, which means that while you're pounding the C button trying to claw-strike the little bastard, he's either moved out of range or he's knocked you on your ass. (in the game, Wolverine battles a scientist who throws a test tube at him) Nothing dies in one hit, by the way, and I'm on the "easy" setting. Look at this! Second enemy in the game are these lab coat-wearing dorks who throw these test tubes at you, and yet it takes at least two hits to take them down! I got freakin' adamantium claws, indestructible metal, and this dork isn't getting sliced in half?! Okay, I should note that this game is nice enough to get Wolverine's healing factor into it. While there are health power-ups to give a nice big jolt to your health meter, you do slowly recover health – "slowly" being the key word. You charge one percent every six seconds. Let's say you're down to twenty percent. That means, in order to recover full health again, you've got to sit on your ass and wait eight minutes to get there. And in truth, you don't have to wait that long, but you might as well if you're gonna have to sit and wait to get your health back anyway. So, almost right away, I come to this big jump I have to make in order to get to the next stage. All righty, just leap across and... (Wolverine somersaults through the air, but misses the jump and lands on a lower level) I miss. Okay, back up again, after generating the dissolving platform, running to the jump again that I... miss. Okay, I run again and– (Wolverine misses the jump again) DAMMIT! (a montage is shown of Wolverine missing the jump several more times) Miss! MISS! MISS! MISS!!
Linkara: Damn it all, how am I supposed to get over there?! (Spoony gets up from his seat and walks over to Linkara) It's impossible! It's just not physically possible to–
(Spoony pushes Linkara aside and helps him out, by having Wolverine do a flying leap across the gap that Linkara had so much trouble with; he makes it this time)
Linkara: (stunned) What the–?! (Spoony sits back down) HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW I COULD DO THAT?! (waves dismissively and resumes playing)
Linkara (v/o): Okay, next section, and– (in the game, Wolverine gets attacked by...) Ugh, a robot dog. Why do video game designers always include dogs? They're one of the most annoying enemies ever. It always takes several hits to kill them, and they always drain a ton of life just by leaping on you and tearing your throat out. And I only managed to kill this one because I cornered it. There's also this rather annoying factor: turning. You'd think that it'd just be a simple matter of hitting left and right, but nooo. The game designers decided to add this little graphic of Wolverine turning, so every time you switch from right to left, you have to kind of tap the direction first and then go in that direction. It's just tedious, especially if you're fighting enemies on either side. Now, let me give a positive: the graphics are awesome. And despite the little panther jump earlier, I like the fact that you have a lot of combinations of moves to perform, giving you tons of options for strategies... though you'll end up most of the time just hitting stuff. (suddenly, the screen goes black) What the– There's a time limit?! WHERE'S THE FREAKING CLOCK?!
(The screen zooms in on what the manual refers to as the Elsie Dee Meter, which acts as the game's time limit)
Linkara (v/o): Wait, it's that thing at the bottom?! I thought that was my progress meter! So you can't sit and recover your health? What's the point of having a regeneration if you can't use it?! (in the game, Wolverine gets attacked by someone with a whip) Oh, what, you're gonna frickin' whip me?! Eat adamantium, bub!
Linkara: (now wearing his normal getup) Okay, no more BSing around here. I'm gonna do it my way. Totally, completely my way! (he takes a can of Coke and sips it; he looks up, staring) What?
Linkara (v/o): You have to time these jumps exactly. Moving from one to the next, you don't get any margin for error with these things. They disintegrate almost immediately! (Wolverine misses the jump and falls in a green pool) Damn it. (Wolverine tries again, but again fails) Damn it! (and again) DAMN IT!! (Wolverine does it one more time before Linkara has had all he can take)
Linkara: (roars) ADAMANTIUM RAGE!!!
(A montage begins, in which Linakra roars "ADAMANTIUM RAGE!" and hits random things. First, he punches Spoony; then, he punches a Kirby doll. He then punches Spoony's comic book offscreen. He then has a hold of the Sega console, holding it over the bed. He starts to slam it down on the bed, but then slows down abruptly to set it down gently. He then hits a baseball cap down on the ground. Then he tries to smother his face in a pillow. After a beat, he pulls it away from him while he takes a deep breath before pulling it back to him, where he roars the phrase in a muffled tone. He then smacks the now-empty soda can against his forehead, but reacts in pain. Then he throws open the front door and steps out in the hall to shout the phrase again. Finally, he runs up to the Angry Video Game Nerd and roars the phrase in his face. But this time, before Linkara can punch the Nerd, the Nerd punches him instead, knocking him down)
(Several hours, three ice packs, and two anger management sessions later... Linkara is seen playing the Wolverine game again)
Linkara (v/o): So, I die and have to do it over and– What, the time limit doesn't reset?! I just lost two lives in a row!
(In the game, Elsie Dee clings to Wolverine, much to his annoyance; she says (in a word balloon), "Why did you wun from me Wogan?")
Linkara (v/o): What the– Elsie Dee?! What the hell does she have to do with this?!
(Shots of Elsie Dee in the comics are shown)
Linkara (v/o): For those who are unaware, Elsie Dee is a robot designed to kill Wolverine. She was given an artificial intelligence that far exceeded expectations, developing a consciousness in the process, and decided not to kill him because he was an old person. Why the hell she's suddenly killing him in this game is as vague a detail as any other part of the plot.
Linkara: I hear the Super Nintendo version didn't have a countdown timer and actually explained the plot of it better, but like I said, I played the Genesis version as a kid, so here I am!
Linkara (v/o): After Brute Forcing my way through enemy after enemy, save state after save state, I finally reach the last boss of the level: a big gun. Yeah, whatever. (in the game, Wolverine jumps up a flight of stairs and is immediately knocked back by gunfire) You have got to be kidding me! I did that gun thing, like, three times before I finally got it, but right afterwards, we have this bald jackass with a huge gun that I can't get past?! Oh, as if this game isn't thoroughly done screwing me over, they actually have the balls to add in an electric fence I have to cut through, too. I'm using an emulator, which means I have save states, but when little kids had this game, it was just ridiculous!
(The next level begins)
Linkara (v/o): Next is a snow level, and I immediately come upon a wall I can't pass. (suddenly, Wolverine clings to the wall and climbs up) Oh, apparently, I can climb walls. How nice of the game to let me know that. Seriously, I never would've known I could do that if not for the fact that I looked it up on Wikipedia.
(Okay, I got to da choppa. Now what?!)
Linkara (v/o): So, at one point, you have to fight a clone or a robot or something of yourself, and the guy's nearly impossible. He's faster, he does more damage, and basically, he's just a pain in the ass. I finally manage to beat him by staying perfectly still, crouch down, and just whale on him whenever he got close, but he still hit me.
(The password screen is displayed)
Linkara (v/o): Any time you switch between levels, just write down the password and reset. It'll give you your full lives and health back. Sure, you won't get a high score, but who the hell plays a console game for just a high score?
(Back to the game)
Linkara (v/o): Damn it all, these enemies are just too freakin' hard! There's a point right here where there are these four guys with guns in a row! You're still suffering from the fight with Clone Wolverine, and any time you hit them, they get knocked back, so of course, since it takes multiple hits to kill them, you knocked one guy right into another giving both of them a chance to hit you, since one is going to be out of reach of you, but within reach of his swiping move.
Linkara: A regular comic book takes about ten minutes to finish, but one level on a 16-bit game is taking me over an hour! I get more enjoyment out of the comic! But you know what? I don't have to take this. The great thing about emulators is that most of them have Game Genie built right into them, so screw this pain and suffering!
Spoony: (looking up from his game) You're gonna use a cheat code? What a pussy!
Linkara: Screw you, hippie! You think you can do it?! (Spoony gets up and walks over to Linkara, who moves aside) Yeah, go ahead, do it, try!
Spoony: (sitting in Linkara's chair) I'll do it. One side, comic boy.
(A montage is shown, alternating between the game and Spoony. In the game, Wolverine keeps getting hit by the one guy giving Linkara, but Spoony just laughs)
Spoony: (as Wolverine tries in vain to jump over an enemy) I like it... I like it... I like it, too...
(In the game, Wolverine can't seem to get past anyone)
Spoony: Okay... (Wolverine gets knocked away) It's getting funny now...
(Wolverine still keeps getting beaten)
Spoony: Okay...! Fuck you...
(Spoony hits the controls in frustration, as Wolverine still has trouble; Spoony laughs. As Wolverine keeps getting hit, Spoony takes a huge sip of Coke, while Linkara sits in Spoony's place, smiling smugly. Eventually, Wolverine keeps getting hit so much that Spoony tries to strangle himself with the console's power cord, followed by trying to cut his own wrists. At last, he is a wreck)
Spoony: Okay, you can use the fucking cheats!
(Linkara chuckles smugly; in the game, Wolverine now jumps MUCH higher than usual)
Linkara (v/o): All righty, add some higher jump... Okay, that's too high a jump; let's try a different code... (Wolverine is now has the ability to jump high and be invincible) Okay, a higher jump, near invincibility, and removed Elsie Dee from the equation.
(A cutscene in the game is shown: Wolverine meeting Storm)
Storm: Why won't you let us help you?*
- NOTE: Storm actually says, "...let us help?", not "...help you?".
Linkara: Because he's the best there is at what he does, bub!
Linkara (v/o): So in one level, I'm in space... for some reason... Huh... where I fight tiny versions of Sabretooth. Okay...
(Cut to a clip of Yor: Hunter From the Future)
Pag: We will need a lot more hemp before we're through.
(Cut back to the Wolverine game)
Linkara (v/o): I dunno, maybe I'm on a movie set or something, but look at how much crap is flying at me! And again, this is the easy setting! If I didn't have cheat codes on, I'd be dead by now. The boss is a neat change of pace and requires strategy. You've gotta force him into some acid. Next up is the Hellfire Club.
Linkara: You know, it's hard to believe that these guys are actually trying to fight me, considering the pants-wetting Wolverine gave them the last time he was there.
(Cut to a clip of an episode of the animated Wolverine TV show)
Wolverine: (confronted by a masked gunman) I know what you're thinking, punk. Question is: could I get Wolverine before he turns me to shish kebab with those claws? (draws his claws and advances on the now-terrified gunman) Well, bub, seeing how these claws are adamantium, the strongest metal known and can slice through vanadium like a hot knife through butter, buddy, you gotta ask yourself: do I feel lucky?
(Cut back to the Wolverine video game)
Linkara (v/o): Okay, the last level has this flying woman. Okay, whatever, lady. (sees something written on the wall) Wait a second. "Paul wuz ere"? Who the hell is Paul? Paul Warner?
Paul Warner (v/o): I heard that, Linkara!
(In the game, Wolvere is now in a sewer)
Linkara (v/o): Oh, goody, a sewer level. What a great metaphor: the game ends by wallowing in its own crap. (at one point, Wolverine battles Bloodscream) And you fight this guy. Is he Paul? (now Wolverine fights another enemy, a guy in a huge coat who shoots at Wolverine) Oh, get out of my way, Tim Burton! (finally, Wolverine battles Fitzroy in a huge mech-suit) The final boss is... um, mecha-Nostalgia Critic with green hair... All right... All right, we beat him, and then... (the screen fades out) Wait, that's it?
(The game's ending is displayed, showing Professor X telling Wolverine, "Well done, Wolverine.")
Linkara (v/o): "Well done, Wolverine"?! WHAT THE HELL KIND OF ENDING WAS THAT?! WHO WAS THAT GUY?! WHY DID HE HAVE GREEN HAIR?! WHAT WAS I RAGING ABOUT?! (game credits roll) WHO THE HELL WAS PAUL?!?
Linkara: (holding up an empty hand, thinking he's holding the cartridge) This game sucks! (realizes he's holding nothing and waves dismissively) The graphics are nice, and it could have been a great game, but its insane difficulty and nonexistent story just bog it down! And who the hell was Paul anyway?! It's just insane! In fact, it's so insane that the only reason it would be is because...
(Suddenly, Dr. Insano jumps out behind Linkara)
Dr. Insano: SCIENCE!! (cackles)
Linkara: (angrily confronting him) Dr. Insano!
Dr. Insano: Oh, of course!
Linkara: Finally come to confront me in the flesh, eh?
Dr. Insano: I couldn't let an opportunity like this pass me up.
Linkara: How did you even know I would be here? (stops as he realizes something) Wait a second...
(Linkara takes out a piece of paper and looks at it as Dr. Insano giggles. From Linkara's perspective, the paper shows a picture of Spoony from "The Spoony Experiment")
Linkara: Oh, my God! (points at Dr. Insano) You're Bennett The Sage!
Dr. Insano: Spell done, Linkara, you finally under– (beat) What? No!
Linkara: Oh, wait, I know this one! You're ThatChickWithTheGoggles!
Dr. Insano: What? I'm not freaking black!
Linkara: But you are a woman, eh?
Dr. Insano: Yes, well– No! Screw this!
(With that, Dr. Insano zaps Linkara with a huge blast of energy from his hands that knocks him down, but, to his confusion, it doesn't kill him)
Dr. Insano: Weird, it killed all the lab rats.
Linkara: Oh, you stupid sack of science.
(The words "Cheat codes are still enabled!" appear as Linkara jumps up and punches Dr. Insano in the face, knocking him down)
Linkara: (arms crossed) Ha! Victory is mine! Now, where is Spoony? I gotta go see what kind of a crap job he did reviewing a comic.
Dr. Insano: So, you think you've beaten me? Well, I still have one last weapon.
(Cackling, Dr. Insano takes out a Nintendo DS like what Spoony was playing and pushes a button on it. There is an explosion and the screen flashes white)
(To Be Continued... In The Spoony Experiment!)
(Don't you just hate cliffhangers?)
(Stinger: Dr. Insano is up again and looking down at the ground, trying to fire another blast of energy from his hands, only for nothing to happen and for him to fall over)