(We hear a cheering crowd as the usual title screens appear without the announcer)
Title Card: Bum Reviews with Chester A. Bum
Title Card: Tonight's Review: Wreck-It Ralph
(Chester appears before a crowd of screaming fans at convention hall)
Chester: HELLOOO!!! OH MY GOD! THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!!!
(Chester screams in apparent sadness)
(Cut to Chester entering his hotel room with Linkara not far behind)
Linkara: Damn it, man! You got to get out there. They're waiting for you.
Chester: I don't owe those people anything.
Linkara: You owe them EVERYTHING, bum!
Chester: No. NO MORE! I can take it anymore!
Linkara: God damn it, man. You're such a sellout now. You used to be about the reviews.
Chester: (softly) Get out of my room.
Linkara: No. You are not leaving until you get out there.
Chester: Get out of my room!
Linkara: You get out there.
Chester: GET OUT OF MY ROOM! GET OUT! GET OUT! OUT!
Linkara: What happened to you, man?! (He leaves)
Chester: (slamming on the door) Ah.
(Chester lies down on his hotel bed. He then sits up and addresses the camera)
Chester: There was a time when reviews seemed magical, when it seemed like I was only doing them ... for me. Now, over the past several years, people have demanded to see me all over the world. I've become a sensation as they like to call it. ... BUT AT WHAT PRICE? At what price does that sensation come by. I'll tell you. It comes at your soul. It comes at the loss of your art. The loss of love. The loss of something beautiful that you created. (Sadly and silently) With these hands. With these hands. And yet, through the process of becoming bigger and more famous, they take it and they CRUSH it. THEY CRUSH THE LIFE OUT OF YOU! AND I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM! They seem to love me, BUT I DON'T LOVE ME! So how can I love them? Take for example this latest movie, Wreck-It Ralph. (Relieved) Wreck-It Ralph. There was a time when I could go through the entire movie without playing to an audience of millions, but those days are gone. What would I say, you ask yourself? Well, it'd probably go somewhere along the line of:
(He starts to do his usual routine but with less energy)
There's this guy named Wreck-It Ralph.
And he is in a video game called Fix-It Felix, Jr., which if Mario and Luigi finally did it, this would be their offspring.
And Wreck-It Ralph is angry because he does not get the recognition that he deserves.
And he's like, "I want to be a hero."
"You're not a hero. You're a Ralph."
Thus he goes and talks to a bunch of video game characters that costs Disney millions of dollars every single time they take a breath.
And he says to himself "I don't want to be a villain anymore."
So he leaves his game and goes to another game called Hero's Duty.
I would make a reference to feces right there, but it would be too below me and the film does it for me anyway.
Then Ralph comes across this commander lady who is like, "I'm gonna mock you soldiers by calling you all ladies even though technically I am a lady, though there is some debate about whether or not I'm tucking."
So Ralph gets a medal in this game and he thinks it gonna make him a hero.
But then he loses the medal when he goes into Sugar Rush.
I had a sugar rush once.
I'm diabetic now.
But he comes across this little girl in the game who is actually a glitch and the glitch is like, "They won't let me play in the game because I am a glitch."
"Hey, watch it, kid. It's a Disney movie."
"No. No. I said glitch."
"Oh good. For the second, I thought we would have to make this PG."
"No. I didn't say bitch."
So the glitch steals Ralph's medal and she thinks it's a coin that can get her in the race.
"All I want to do is race."
"Well I could go to NASCAR but they won't let me see past the ads on the vehicle."
"That and it sucks!"
But there's this evil villain known as King Candy and he's like, "I'm Ed Wynn if I mutated into Larry Fine."
And he doesn't want that little glitch to win the race.
But then Wreck It Ralph is like, "I'll help you win."
"Because you're marketable enough to sell a lot of toys."
"It's true. I do look like a Bratz doll if they had a soul."
"Don't ever compare anything anywhere to a Bratz doll."
But then King Candy is like "If she wins the race, she'll die!"
"Ah no. I guess I can't let her win the race. By the way, you're not lying, are you?"
So Wreck It Ralph wrecks her car up.
And she's like "No. Not my candy car. That was not only my vehicle. It was gonna be my dinner."
But King Candy is like "Hey. Remember before when I said I didn't lie?"
"Throw her in the dungeon offscreen."
(Throws himself on the bed)
But then Wreck-It Ralph is like "I'll save ya."
"Hooray. You saved me."
"Actually, seeing what your glitch powers could do before, couldn't you just glitch your way out of those chains?"
"Hooray. You saved me."
So then the race gets started and it's really exciting. The cars are like...
(Starts "driving" around the room making reving noises)
But the aliens from Hero's Duty is out to eat them all.
(Makes chomping motions and sounds with his hand)
But Fix-It Felix, Jr. and the commander are like, "We have to stop this."
"Indeed and while we're at it, let's have a romantic interlude in which we have very little chemistry."
"I'm sorry but I have a Mrs. Fix-It Felix Jr over there."
"No you don't. It's just you wearing a bow."
So there's racing and shooting and racing and shooting.
(Jumps all over his bed doing random things)
But then the villain King Candy reveals his evil identity.
"I was Turbo the whole time."
"Turbo as in the video game character?"
"No. Turbo as in Turbo Grafix-16. We had a good system, dammit and now we're going to make the others go down with the ship."
"Come on. You had Bonk and that was it."
(Suffocates himself with the bed sheet)
But Ralph figures out a way to create a beacon to destroy all the alien bugs and ... he does.
And the people in Sugar Rush are like "It turns out the glitch was a princess of the land the whole time."
"Why a princess and not a queen?"
"Would you buy a product called Disney Queens?"
"Actually. It sounds like a drag club."
So wait. If the glitch was a princess the whole time, does that mean that King Candy was ... her father?
Chun Chun Chu... No it doesn't.
So Wreck-It Ralph goes back to his game, the glitch is the hero of her world, and they all live happily game over.
Yeah, that's what I would say if I reviewed it like the old days. That's what I would say. You know what the funny thing is? This is usually the part where I would be asking you for change, but you know what? No change necessary. (Gets up and leaves) I have an adoring public to see.
(Cut to him back in the convention hall)
Chester: THIS IS CHESTER A. BUM SAYING "CHANGE!" (The crowd screams again) CHANGE! CHANGE!
Linkara: I hate his reviews.