And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "X-Men: Days of Future Past."
OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!
(Singing to "X-Men" theme) Da-da-da-da-da, spoilers! Da-da-da-da-da, spoilers!
There's this guy called Wolverine.
And in the not-too-distance future of the not-too-distance future, every single person has been taken over by machines!
Unlike today! Ooh, that reminds me. (holds up iPhone) I have to alert every bit of social media that I'm standing up right now.
But Wolverine is like, "We have to stop this horrible future that we've seen in every other movie from happening!"
"Oh c'mon, what other movie has a future taken over by machine-- (is glared at) That story was written in the 80s, man. What can you do?"
So they go to Junocat to send them back in time.
Because she woke up one morning and realized she could just do that now.
I woke up one morning and realized I could fart rainbows!
Though, maybe that's because I smoked a laxative with Skittles.
And so Wolverine is gonna be sent back to the past!
But Magneto is like, "You must find me in the past as well. I'll be able to help you."
"Really? 'Cause given your track record in all the other movies, I find that very unlikely."
"No, really, I get the feeling just at the prime of my angriest I'll be okay."
"Oh, hush up. It's time to show the ladies my butt."
(Chester flexes as ladies scream wildly)
So Wolverine and his butt are sent back in time.
To find that Xavier used to be a drunk, walking Mr. Tumnus.
And Wolverine is like, "What happened to you?"
"I got addicted to legs!"
"You need to get off that addiction and get your life together!"
"Once you get off the addiction of showing your naked body in every movie!"
"Never." (Chester flexes as ladies scream wildly again)
So they find out that they have to get Magneto out of jail.
Because, apparently, he was the second gunman who killed JFK.
Oh, come on, guys. I'm a bum on the street and even I find that hard to believe.
But then they tell us he was trying to save JFK because he was a mutant all along.
Okay, that's easier to swallow.
So they break Magneto out of the Pentagon and go looking for Mystique.
But Magneto decides she's too dangerous to be kept alive, and so he tries to kill her.
And Mystique is like, "Why are you trying to kill me?"
"Haven't you guys ever learned yet? I'm the bad guy! I will always be the bad guy!"
"Well, I guess the real question is why do I keep following you in sequels?"
"Because our continuity is as straight forward as a porcupine's back!"
"Oh, that's why I never acknowledge Xavier as my brother in the future."
"That's also why in the future I should be like a bajillion years old."
"And that's why in the Wolverine movies, they never--"
(Interrupts) "Whoa whoa whoa! We're not even touching those! Those are like the cannibalism of continuity!"
So they have to try and stop That Tyrion with the Glasses from making these giant robots.
And Tyrion is like, "President Nixon, if we want this program to work, we have to convince the people that it's a dark, scary, fearful world out there."
"Well, you've come to the right president for that."
But Magneto gets to the giant robots and switches around their wiring.
So the robots are shooting all the humans while Magneto raises a stadium over everybody!
With Harry Caray still inside.
"I'm flying! I knew one day it would finally happen!"
But Mystique knocks out Magneto, decides not to kill That Tyrion with the Glasses, and the future is changed so all the shitty moments in the other X-Men movies never happened!
And then, in a very bizarre move, the writers of the movie come out!
"Dear audience, we're sorry for all the stupid mistakes we made to butcher these movies in the past. Please accept this cop-out that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, but you don't care because for once you'll actually see a goddamn X-Men movie. None of them will be knocked out, captured, or dead - they will actually just be the friggin' X-Men."
OH MY GOD, the X-Men are here! They're all here! They're actually going to be faithful to the comics! Maybe Rogue can go and get flying powers and super-strength! Maybe they can bring Nightcrawler back! Oh my god, it's like the comics are finally coming to the screen! So, movie, tell me. What are you gonna do with the next one?!
They're going to fight Apocalypse who is a sixteen-year-old boy.
So, "X-Men: Days of Future Past" is a really, really good movie.
And so much better than that awful X-Men 3!
All they did in that one was kill people off from the other films, move giant monuments around, and not stick to the comic book story!
Where this one is totally different!
This one they kill people off from the other films, they move giant monuments around, and they totally don't stick to the comic book story!
My friends, they are finally starting to learn.
This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?! Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!
C'mon, I'll use it to make the X-Men their appropriate age! Or, at the very least, appropriate breast size.