You're a Rotten Dirty Bastard
We open to Skitch's instrumental of "We Wish You A Merry Christmas" in the key of F, which plays throughout the opening, along with some CGI snowfall in front of a red background and the title of our episode: You're a Rotten Dirty Bastard in big yellow letters, A Christmas Special in smaller white letters. We next dissolve to Santa Christ sitting in a chair in a room somewhere adorned with holiday decor; he holds a book in his left hand.
Santa Christ (SC): HO HO HO, boys and girls! I'm Santa Christ, and Merry Christmas to you all! Ho ho ho! It certainly is the most wonderful time of the year! Ho ho ho! (cut to a close-up) But did you know there was a Christmas that almost wasn't? (finishes with raised eyebrows; cut back to original angle, as he opens his book) Well, this has nothing to do with that story. This is the story about a little boy named the Nostalgia Critic (cut of a graphic of the page from SC's storybook; it's a sepia-toned picture of the Nostalgia Critic in mid-yell with fists in the air. Underneath this are the words: "It all started with a little dick-shit named the Nostalgia Critic. He was not..." - that's all that could fit on-screen) and how he was having (we zoom in on NC) a not-so-jolly Christmas... (once NC takes up the whole screen, the color shifts to normal and the festive music fades as we hear...)
Nostalgia Critic (NC): I'VE HAD IT! (slamming his fist on the table) I'VE REALLY HAD IT! I mean, it's Christmas time; and I'm not given ONE good thing to review! (slams hands down, then holds them up in disgust) I mean, WHAT IS THIS?! (cut to a Peanuts drawing of Charlie Brown and Linus from that TV special. NOTE: for the DVD release, we don't see CB or Linus. We just see a real close-up of snow. The drawing has the title:) "A Charlie Brown Kwanzaa"?! (NOTE: Doug misspelled that - three A's, Doug, not two. Cut back to NC) FUCK that shit! No, I'm done! I am TOTALLY done with this gig! I am (with his right index finger, he brings THAT down hard on the table) NEVER doing Nostalgia Critic again! (points at us) Fuck this shit, man! (gets up and leaves) FUCK this shit!
Cut to NC's hallway, low-angle, where Ma-Ti is waiting in the doorway. He stops NC as he passes him.
Ma-Ti: But, Critic, you can't just leave!
NC: Hey, I can do whatever I want.
Ma-Ti: But who's gonna run the show?
NC: Hey, I'll tell you what: (puts his right index finger on his chest) you're so concerned, (throws his hand in Ma-Ti's face) YOU run the show! (he walks away)
Ma-Ti: (looks at NC in wonder for a bit, but he then looks in the direction where NC came and says:) OK. (He then holds up a right-hand puppet of Wembley from Fraggle Rock and walks out of shot.)
Cut to another hallway in NC's house, regular angle. We see NC come out of one hallway and go straight up some stairs. As soon as he leaves, a small light of some kind enters the hallway as ethereal music begins to play. Once it settles down, it turns into a large, bright light, blinding everything. When it retracts, we see what appears to be an angel, perhaps, in a white robe looking right at us for a few seconds. He then turns to the stairway where NC went just prior and waits for him. Cut to a shot of the stairwell where this figure stands at the bottom, back to us. We see NC walk out of his room with his phone in hand, starting to dial. After taking a step or two, he is startled to see this being in front of him.
Angel [Orlando Belisle, Jr.]: Hello, Critic. (cut to shot of us following NC down the stairwell) I am your guardian (back to previous angle) an- (NC punches him in the face - quick flash of light added, too - as he watches him fall to the ground)
NC: Had enough Jehovah's Witnesses today. (he walks away. Cut to likely NC's dining room where there is a dayplanner on the table... along with a small vise wrench, for some reason. NC finished dialing, sits down at the table, opens the planner, and turns a page in it. He then speaks on the phone:) Uh, yes, I was wondering if I could make a listing in your want ads? Ah, yes, I want it to read: (apparently reading from the planner page) "Available: one cynical, pompous Internet celebrity ready to criticize for boatloads of cash." Oh yes, I'm sure that'll get plenty of responses! All right, thank you so much! Bye. (he turns off his phone, sets it on the planner and waits for one whole second before picking it up again and re-dialing)
Angel: (comes into the shot in front of the big window with his hand on his jaw, in pain from the obvious) Excuse me. Perhaps you didn't hear me. (an ignoring NC grabs the wrench while still on the phone) I am your guardian an- (he is stopped because NC has crunched his testicles with said wrench, hence a cracking sound effect. The angel makes a painful face but doesn't say anything for a while. NC's call comes through again:)
NC: Yeah, I was wondering if there were any responses yet on that want ad. No? Okay, I'll try again later. Bye. (he sets down the phone, looks at the angel, and applies more pressure to the wrench. This causes the angel to yell and fall down. NC picks up his phone a THIRD time and thinks of another re-dial but stops and eventually sets it back down again) Mmm, maybe I should wait a minute.
Cut to close-up of the angel, getting up from the floor and panting. He kneels at the table and addresses NC.
Angel: Oh, my, but you are a protective one. But, in all seriousness, though, I am your guardian angel.
Cut to NC, who looks at him while scrolling his phone.
NC: You still here? I gotta say, guy, you got balls.
Cut to Angel.
Angel: (looks down) Well, I used to. (briefly stammering, he looks back at NC) But this isn't about me. This is about making you realize how truly important you are to the world.
Cut to NC, who looks back.
NC: What are you talking about?
We cut back and forth whenever someone speaks, unless noted.
Angel: I come from on high to show you the love and affection this world has to offer. Whether you realize it, you played a big part in keeping that love going.
NC: (looking skeptical) Who do you say you are again?
Roger [note the name change]: My name is Roger, and I am your guardian angel.
NC: My guardian angel?
Roger: (with wide eyes and a little sarcasm) YES! Heard me that time! (chuckling a bit)
NC: Well, if you're a guardian angel, where's your wings?
Roger: (mimicking MC) "If you're a guardian angel, where's your wings?" (speaking fast and becomes more irritated) Yes, never heard that one before. What, I don't have any wings? I NEVER NOTICED! It's not like that's the FIRST question (cut to NC leaning back a bit with a WTF face) anybody asks me... Sorry, (back to Roger, who has calmed himself down) sorry. I just get that question a lot. No. I'm an angel-in-training; (back to NC and that face) and once I prove myself worthy, (back to Roger) then I get my wings.
Normal cuts again.
NC: Well, okay, why the hell are you with me then?
Roger: To show you just what this world would be like if there was no Nostalgia Critic.
NC: Oh, come on! It wouldn't be that different.
Roger: Oh, but you're wrong. You make a difference in SO many people's lives. If you just let me show you...
NC: (not buying this) Oh, I can't. I'm... coming down with something. (fakes a cough) It's very contagious, you could die at any minute. (no cut yet)
Roger: Critic, (NOW we cut) I can show you just what an impact you make.
NC: (after a sec, he sighs and says, dejectedly:) All right, but this better be worth it.
Cut to close-up of Roger at first; the camera pulls back as the dreamy music from before enters again.
Roger: (stands up at the table) Grab on to my robe. (HE then holds out his left arm. NC stands up next to him and, skeptically, touches Roger's arm. We hear a glissando of bells and a swelling of music as the bright light returns. Once it engulfs the room, we see and hear a "warping" sound effect and see that NC and Roger are gone. NOTE: Doug says that effect was lifted from Super Mario Bros. 2. After a few seconds, we see a shot of a basement somewhere as the bright light enters. NC and Roger appear in the shot, transparent with a blue-tint to them. NC looks around and wonders:)
NC: Where are we?
Roger: We're in a world where you never existed.
NC: You mean, I was never born?
Roger: Yes. The world is a far different place. (motions over to screen right) Take a look at your beloved Cinema Snob, for example. (NC looks over as well. We cut to another angle of the basement, looking down, as someone walks in front of a stove, wearing a blue buttoned shirt and black track pants - REALLY? - holding a cordless drill and case. He holds the drill up to his face as he presses it a few times. The camera track up, as we see that it is indeed The Cinema Snob himself - complete with a crude Post-It nametag on his shirt pocket that says "SNOB". He looks around waiting for something)
NC: He's a plumber?
Cut to NC and Roger.
Roger: Well, without you being there to inspire him, he never made the transition into Internet reviews. This is the life he leads.
NC: Well, gee, I guess that is pretty tough.
Quick cut to someone's hand turning on a small industrial light. Cut back to NC and Roger, who both lean their heads at the same time as we hear someone speak:
Director [Jerrid]: (off-screen, we don't know who he is) OK, we're ready for you. (Cut to the Snob standing while someone who appears to be a director of some kind enters the shot; he wears a black suit coat and wears cheap sunglasses) All right, now, you remember your lines? (cut to a closer shot of the two) You're a plumber? You're gonna fix a woman's sink?
Cinema Snob (CS): Sir, sir, I've done this a hundred times. I can do it blindfolded.
Director: All right, well, here's the woman (motions the woman over) you'll be working with: Jillian.
Cut to Jillian, who enters the scene with excitement. She's dressed in a black teddy.
Jillian [Jillian, Brad Jones' real-life wife at the time]: Oh my God, I can't believe I'm about to do a scene with the World's Greatest Porn Star! You are an inspiration to me, sir!
Cut to NC and Roger.
NC: This is the terrible life he leads?! (Roger looks as if to say, "Well...")
CS: Well, all you need (cut back to CS and Jillian) is a penis the size of a lightsaber, and the rest is done for you.
Jillian: Ah! (guess what happened?) I just orgasmed at the sound of your voice.
CS: (walks up to Jillian and strokes under her chin with the drill) It's to be expected.
Cut to NC and Roger,
Roger: Well, okay, maybe that's wasn't a good example. Why don't I take you to another place? (is about to snap his fingers when NC holds him up)
NC: Wait. Wait, I wanna see this.
Cut to CS and Jillian, CS is holding up the drill while Jillian looks intently into his eyes. The director comes into shot from screen right and says...
Director: Action. (he retracts back out of shot)
Cut to NC and Roger looking off. We hear a zipper and then "something" hitting the floor. Hard. NC's mouth is agape, and both soon cover their mouths with their hands.
NC: OH MY GOD, that's not HUMAN!
Roger: How does that fit into his pants?!
NC: (looking quickly back at the camera) Let's go, let's go! (he hurriedly grabs Roger's left arm as Roger snaps his fingers. Just as they do, we hear CS laughing off-screen and Jillian getting aroused while CS keeps pressing the drill's power button. The warping effect from before plays, and the two are gone. The porn scene continues for a few seconds.
Cut to a close-up of the wall from likely Ask That Guy's bar. The visual and audio effects enter as NC and Roger reappear and look around)
NC: Where are we now, some kind of bar?
Roger: Yes. (finally notices something off screen-left and motions NC to look as well) And I believe one of your friends is sitting there in the shadows.
Cut to a close-up of someone whose head is down on the bar top. A bottle of Jameson Whiskey is next to him, and a hat is lying on the other side.
Roger: Yes. (cut back to NC and Roger) Doesn't look too happy, does he? Obviously, he's hit on some hard times... and has driven himself to drink his problems away..
NC: Ah, jeesh, poor guy.
Linkara: I just (cut to him, shaking his head on the counter top and sounding very bleak) don't get it. I just don't get it.
Cut to NC and Roger.
NC: Oh, Linkara, I'm so sorry-
Cut to Linkara, who quickly raises his head off the counter. He's wearing sunglasses (smarter ones that Jerrid) and a sportcoat, but has his usual buttoned shirt underneath, and is on a cell phone. He sounds angry.
Linkara: Who said that they could make Iron Man vs. Batman 3 (cut to NC and Roger, who both look on in woonder) without my permission? (cut back to Linkara) Don't they know that I'm the president of both Marvel AND DC Comics?
Cut to NC and Roger.
NC: He owns Marvel AND DC Comics?! (Roger has that "Well..." look on him again)
Linkara: Look, I didn't drag myself (cut to Linkara) into a bar because of the snowstorm outside, and THIS is the news you give me? (cut to NC and Roger looking on) You tell Robert Downey Jr. that (cut back to Linkara) he has to be patient! Until I get a script that I think is a faithful representation, it ain't gonna HAPPEN! (closes up his phone, still looking mad. Cut to a reverse shot, where he see Linkara's back as he sits at the bar. A familiar face comes into view from screen-left, holding a familiar glass:)
Ask That Guy (ATG): Will there be anything else for you, sir?
Cut to Linkara.
Linkara: Nah, that should be everything; but here, (holds up some money) have an extra hundred for your troubles. (he offers it to ATG; cut to ATG, who takes it)
ATG: Thank you, sir. Gosh, (looking at the money) there's a gaggle of hookers with your name on it. (he leaves screen-left. Cut back to NC and Roger)
NC: By God, he's doing a billion times better than me! He owns two comic companies!
Roger: Now, let's not jump to conclusions...
Linkara (off-screen): Hot damn, it's good owning two comic companies.
NC: You see?
Roger: All right, all right, so two people are doing better if you're never around. But what about the Nostalgia Chick?
NC: Yeah, that's a good point. If I never existed, there never would have been a spin-off character! Yea, yea, let's see how the Nostalgia Chick is doing! (NC holds Roger's arm again as Roger snaps his fingers. The usual light and sound effect happens.
We then cut to the interior of an apartment's living room somewhere; and right away, we hear a baby crying. NC and Roger appear as usual. They look around, and NC finally notices the crying)
NC: Aha! Aha! (shaking his finger) You hear that? You hear that? Yeah, I bet the Nostalgia Chick is a single mother living in this crappy apartment; so that means that she could never complete her dream of becoming a famous movie director! (they both look happy. Once we hear a lullaby from a baby mobile, NC suddenly has a WTF face. The lullaby plays during the rest of this scene. We then cut to a shot of some place inside the apartment. We see the Nostalgia Chick exit a likely bedroom quietly, followed by a man - her HUSBAND? - wearing a nice sweater as he closes the door behind him.)
Nostalgia Chick (NCh): Oh, darling, thank you so much for looking after our little girl.
Husband [Robert Panico, I believe]: Hey, what are stay-at-home dads for?
Cut to close-up of NCh.
NCh: It's just a shame that you have to stay in this apartment building.
Cut to close-up of the husband.
Husband: Yeah, it was a shame the million-dollar condos had to get the reservation wrong; but it was kind of you to buy the entire apartment complex.
One of those cut-away deals again.
NCh: Well, I just wanted to make sure you two were comfortable. Now it is time that we did complete my greatest challenge yet: Twilight: The Good Version.
Husband: I can't believe you entitled it that.
NCh: Well, if I'm directing it, that makes it true by default, doesn't it?
Husband: All of America knows that makes it true. (cut back to NCh, who smiles at him a bit cheesily. We cut to the initial shot where we see Nella come in from screen left)
Nella: Hey, Lindsay, so, um, (looking at her naked right wrist) based upon the watch I don't have, ah, we gotta leave now if we're gonna make it to the set on time.
NCh: Oh, Nella, you're the best producer ever.
Nella: Well, I wouldn't have been that way if it weren't for you. (cut to NC and Roger looking on) You know, I'm just so glad we have this (cut back to previous shot) friendship based upon mutual respect and dignity.
NCh: I know! (raises fists in triumph) Let's go! (she walks off-screen with Nella following. The hubby looks on smiling and chuckling. He then gives the two ladies two thumbs up)
Husband: Go team! (he then heads back into the bedroom to look after the baby. WE cut back to NC and Roger. Roger's the one now with the WTF face, but NC looks pissed)
NC: NNNNNNEXT! (Roger is startled and quickly grabs NC's arm and snaps his fingers. Usual effects occur.
Cut to a room painted yellow with old-style architecture and tulips in the windowsills. NC and Roger look around)
NC: Now where are we? Cuz Lord knows those last three didn't blow me over!
Roger: (sighs) We're at the residence of the one you call Angry Joe.
NC: Angry Joe. Well, good. That little pipsqueak wouldn't be anywhere if it wasn't for me- (does a double-take when he looks off screen-right. Why? We cut to Angry Joe, who enters from screen-right wearing a white dress shirt, a red tie, and a gray vest. The background, we now see, is the Oval Office of The White House. As such, we hear "Hail To The Chief" playing throughout this scene. Joe is on his cell phone, talking to someone and living up to his name)
Angry Joe (AJ): No! No, absolutely not, no! No! No, I'm through dicking around here, Canada! You get rid of that snobby little province of Quebec, or I'm gonna get rid of it for you, you understand? You see, the American people, they didn't elect me to be some kind of pushover!
Cut to NC and Roger.
NC: He's the fucking PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES?!?! (Roger is at a loss for words)
AJ: What's that? Oh, (cut back to AJ) you think it'd be manslaughter? Well, I think it would be the greatest thing to happen to Canada (now he's holding the phone right in front of his mouth) since I publicly executed Tom Green! (upset, he turns off the phone and throws it down presumably onto a table. He then takes out some sort of detonator from his vest pocket and, with authority, pressed a button. We cut to a CGI shot of Canada being blown off the face of the earth. Cut back to AJ who heartily laughs at what happened. Cut to NC and Roger, looking on in disbelief. Cut back to AJ, whose laughter sibsides as he picks up his cell phone and makes a call) Yes, Press Secretary. Yes, let the good people of the world know that they no longer have to fear the tyrannical rule of the once-evil empire of Canada. (a massive roar of applause is heard as we cut of NC and Roger, still looking stupified) Yes, that's right. (cut back to AJ) Oh, thank you! (laughing and chuckling, he looks off-screen both sides, waving to his supporters. He points at them two times and then does Richard Nixon's Victory salute when he left the White House for good, even smirking like Nixon. Cut back to NC and Roger, Our angel is frozen in fear. NC eventually notices this as AJ continues feeling the love) Vote for Joe. Vote for Joe. (the applause continues at NC grabs Roger's hand and shakes it, sending them out of the Office; NC is not looking very happy.
Cut to NC's living room, in front of a large bookcase. After the usual effects, NC and Roger appear, NC looks petrified, while Roger has regained his cheery disposition)
Roger: Well, this next one will show you-
NC: (backing away from Roger) NO!! FORGET IT! I'M DONE! This trip has been a nightmare! (cut to close-up of NC) Nobody's better with me! They're all better without me!
Cut to close-up of Roger. Usual cut-away deal again.
Roger: But surely you can see one more!
NC: Forget it! This is the most uninspiring ass-shit I've ever seen in my life! You really, really SUCK at this!
Roger: Oh, come on! Things can't possibly be as bad as Joe being President of the United States?
NC: I suppose you're right. I mean, it CAN'T get any worse. (cut back to the bookcase, where Roger's arm is out again. NC angrily slaps it, as Roger snaps his fingers sending the duo to their next destination.
Cut to the inside of a room that looks awfully familiar to NC, as the two look around)
NC: Must've made a mistake. This is where I film everything.
Roger: Yeah, that's weird. (looks a bit unsure himself) We're supposed to see Spoony's life. I don't quite understa- (they eventually look straight ahead and suddenly react to seeing something out-of-place. Cut to NC's usual set-up; only this time, someone's in the chair. That person spins around, and we see that it's...)
Spoony: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic! (wearing NC's usual hat, jacket, and tie) I remember it, so YOU don't have to! (cut to NC and Roger. NC holds his hat and screams, while Roger says nothing and looks bug-eyed, Cut back to Spoony) Today, we're gonna look at Last Action Hero. As we all know, Schwarzenegger can do no wrong.
Cut to NC and Roger. Usual cut-aways again.
NC: YOU take that back! (pointing at the camera)
Spoony: And I found this to be an absolutely delightful movie.
Spoony: It's a clever send-up to all those action cliches we know and love.
NC: That film was clumsy and unnecessary!
Spoony: It's a wonderful thrill ride from beginning to end, and I enjoyed every minute of it!
A half-second of static appears, followed by...
Douchey McNitpick (DM, in his lair): HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!
NC: Aha, aha! Let's see how he'll deal with one of those pesky Internet trolls!
Spoony: Ah, hey, Douchey! What are you up to?
DM: Oh, nothing! I just wanted to say, "What a fantastic job you're doing!" (cut to NC and Roger; NC's look is now one of WTF) You're an inspiration to the Internet and, (cut back to DM) gosh darn it, a treasure to us all!
Spoony: (with his hand over his heart) Why, thank you, Douchey! I always look forward to your calls.
DM: Oh, by the way, are you still doing that crossover review with Phelous?
Spoony: I was going to, but Canada seems to have disappeared off the map; so I'll gonna have to get back to you on that one.
DM: OK, no rush. Take care, my friend!
Spoony: So long, Douchey! (looks off-screen) What a charming young lad.
DM: Beautiful man.
Spoony: And you know, I didn't think Junior was that bad. I mean, Schwarzenegger pregnant? That was kinda funny! (starts laughing, which eventually almost borderline on cackling)
Cut back to Roger and NC, the latter getting very angry.
NC: (grabbing his gun and cocking it) I'll kill you, you job-stealing HORSE ANUS!!! (NC fires four shots at Spoony. Cut to a close-up of Spoony hsterically laughing with a frozen expression, moving from side to side in the chair. As we see, NC's bullets don't hit him; nine shots are fired, but they're deflected as if Spoony has a Plexiglas shield in front of him. Cut back to NC still firing while Roger looks on)
Roger: (shaking his head) You can't hurt him, Critic. He can't even see us.
NC: (fed up, he bites his gun and throws it on the ground in disgust. He then throws up his hands) GET ME OUT OF HERE! (NC slaps Roger's hand, Roger snaps his fingers, and they leave. All the while, Spoony is STILL laughing.
Cut back to NC's living room, as they arrive. No more laughing. We're at a low-angle short as NC walks forward, dazed and distraught, eventually bowing to the front-right of the camera)
NC: My God, My God, My God, My God, My God, My God, My God, MY GOD! (looks ahead of him and pants, as Roger approaches him. Skitch's instrumental version of "Noel" then starts)
Roger: See, Critic, you really were a rotten dirty bastard, All the people you came in contact with would have led a better life (places his left hand on NC's shoulder) if you had never met them at all.
Cut to reverse shot where NC turns his head back to Roger as the "Noel" music stops.
NC: Is this a pep talk? Cuz let me tell you, it's not helping! (Roger removes his hand as NC stands up and walks towards Roger) Pep talks are supposed to make you feel peppy, not want to take a shower with a FUCKING TOASTER!! (when he shouts those last words, Roger is thrusted back a bit)
Cut to a reverse of the last shot (with NC's back to the camera) as we slowly zoom in on Roger.
Roger: (obviously becoming distraught, almost in panic mode) I'm sorry, it's just... This has never happened before! I mean, somebody always misses the person whenever I do this! I mean, SOMEBODY! Statistically, this doesn't seem possible!
Cut to profile shot of NC, looking at Roger, as we slowly zoom out.
NC: (coming up with an idea) What about you?
NC: Yeah. Yeah, (grabbing Roger's shoulders) what about you, Roger? If I never existed, maybe YOUR life would have been totally screwed up! (pan over to Roger, who starts to think about NC's suggestion)
Roger: You know, I never thought of that. Take a look at my life and see what it would've been without you! (all the while, NC's face is hopeful yet... idiotic) It's not a bad idea! All right then, let's take a look and see what my life would have been like without the Nostalgia Critic!
NC: Yeah! (they both smile and get into position as NC holds Roger's arm, Roger snaps, and the two are again transported away.
We cut to what appears to be a sky-like setting, with a rainbow in the background, as our duo arrive. Once they do, they both look off to screen-right; and their faces simultaneous change from happy to worried)
Alternate Roger (AR): (off-screen, unknown yet) Yes, God, (we cut to what is actually Heaven, since there are pearly gates in the background. Alternate Roger is talking on a cell phone. He's dressed in all black - but looking very handsome - and wearing shades) according to my calculations, we should achieve world peace in about two weeks!
God [guess who?, off-screen]: Good job, Roger, good job! (cut to the duo looking on) I don't know how I could have done all this (cut to a close-up of AR, smiling and listening) without you. You're my number-one angel.
AR: Oh, come on, God, I'm blushing!
God: No, I'm serious! If anything was to ever (cut to the duo) happen to me, or if I was ever to retire, (cut back to AR at original angle) you would be first in line for the job!
AR: Oh, God, you know how to make an angel feel needed! Send my best to your Son!
God: I will. Take care, buddy!
AR: You too!
AR: Later! (chuckles as he puts down his phone) I LOVE that guy! (laughing, he leaves off-screen left. Cut back to NC and Roger. NC looks as if to say, "Okay...", while Roger says nothing. With jaw agape, he snaps his fingers; and the duo leave.
Cut back to NC's living room as our duo return. Some creepy music starts playing as we cut to a close-up on Roger, intensely thinking about what just happened. NC looks on)
Roger: (talking to himself) I was his number-one guy. No one's ever been his number-one guy... but I was his number-one guy... and he called me his "buddy." (turns around slowly to face NC. We cut to a different angle as Roger still turns; the music swells as he stops. Cut to previous angle where NC reacts, trying to make the situation lighter)
NC: Heeeey! You.. got a good thing going on now, don't you? (cut to other angle where Roger's "wheels are turning" in his mind) I mean, what, with the white robe and the ponytail holder? (cut to other angle) Whew! Got it made.
Cut-away scenarios again.
Roger: What did you say you were sick with again? (slowly walks towards NC)
NC: (starts shifting his eyes and getting fearful) Oh, something.... contagious, I'm sure.
Roger: Life-threatening, no doubt.
Cut to a wide shot, where NC backs away from Roger. Roger is about to get angry, while NC is increasingly on edge. The camera pans right as the two keep moving.
NC: No, no, I'm actually feeling a lot better. I just seem to have this horrible sneeze. (faking a cold and looking around in vain to see if anyone responds) Uh, POLICE! Uh, POLICE!
Cut to Roger with NC's back to camera.
Roger: (laughs eerily and smiles as he continues approaching NC) If you go, all will be at peace.
Cut to NC with Roger close-up at left.
NC: Wait a minute! What am I afraid of you for? You're just a two-bit angel without any wings! (touches Roger's nose with his right index finger) What are you gonna do to me?
What follows are a series of quick cuts. Roger swiftly grabs NC's right hand. The music has suddenly changed to some hyper-fast, action-movie music, heavy on percussion. Roger twists NC's hand behind his back; we see NC bending over and screaming in pain. Roger lets go of NC and pushes him forward. NC heads towards the dining room. Once he turns around, we zoom in on NC's tense face. Cut back to a low-angle shot of Roger in his robe. But then, a bright light appears. Once it fades, we see Roger without his robe; he's in a black tank-top shirt and sweats and lets off a martial-arts-style wail, with fists clenched. NC in close-up reacts accordingly - with a face like that of Macaulay Culkin's in Home Alone, without the hands on his face. Cut to a fast-edit sequence as Roger moves closer to NC, who just stands still. Roger then repeatedly punches NC in the face while holding his head with his left hand. Cut to another low-angle shot where Roger gives NC an authoritative punch in the stomach and throws him to the ground. Cut to NC falling on the floor.
NC: (getting up off the floor, facing Roger) Alright, Clarence! YOUR ass is going DOWN!
Cut to a quick zoom-out of Roger, who suddenly brandishes a pair of katana swords. He strikes an attack pose. NC looks bewildered. Roger quickly spins in front of and behind himself, while NC looks on trying to keep up. Once Roger stops and does another stance, NC yells and charges towards Roger, ready to punch him. Roger himself does another battle cry. As the two meet, NC is prepared to punch Roger; but he suddenly stands still. In another fast-edit sequence, Roger circles around NC twice, constantly beating him with the katanas. When Roger is finished, he leaves, leaving NC still standing briefly. NC then collapses to the ground, falling backwards. NC tries to sit back up, holding his head, but he suddenly stops.
We see Roger in close-up and serious face. He then smiles; when he does, we hear a lion's roar. Roger raises up his right knee to attack. NC lets out a brief whimper. Roger then gives NC a number of kicks to the face - barefoot, mind you - as NC just takes it. After one last huge roundhouse kick and accompanying yell from Roger, NC is thwarted to the floor. We cut to a shot where the camera is on the ground. NC reacts by trying to find his gun. Cut back to Roger.
Roger: You die, I get heavenly bliss: fair trade.
Cut to NC still on the ground, who finally grabs his gun and gets up off the floor to confront Roger. We cut to a pan-around shot of NC holding his weapon.
NC: All right, Tae Kwon Dick, that's FAR enough!
Cut to a zoom-in on Roger.
Roger: Ha! What, you think you can kill an angel? I've heard from God Himself: NOBODY can kill an angel!
Intense zoom-in on NC.
NC: Well, it's worth a shot.
Cut back to Roger.
Roger: Hmph! Go ahead. (smacks his hands against his chest) Shoot me.
Cut to an extreme close-up where NC points the gun at the camera and fires. Once it does, the customary flash appears; and the intense music stops. NC slowly brings down the gun to his right side. Cut to a close-up of Roger, who has some blood on his forehead. He looks up and notices it, touches it, and looks while he rubs it on his fingers.
Roger: Hmm. So God lied to me. (after a few seconds, he sighs) Well, that seems like a dick move. (he then collapses and falls down dead. Cut to a reaction from NC, a shot of Roger on the ground from above, then back to NC who looks around and sighs. Cut to a wide shot of the whole living room with Roger lying dead. We then cut to a slow zoom-in on NC still holding the gun, looking serious, and surveying his surroundings; plaintive music begins)
NC: My God. I never realized just how many lives I've made miserable. But there is one life that I can safely say I made better... (the music stops as he says, in a very happy tone:) MINE!! (cut to the wide shot where, in a euphoric state, he hurriedly leaves the living room. As he does, Skitch's version of "Deck The Halls" starts playing)
Cut to NC's regular room with Ma-Ti now in the chair, accompanied by the Wembley puppet over his right hand.
Ma-Ti: (in a high voice, operating the puppet, as he looks at it) And that's how Mary Poppins had an abortion, and later she became a revolutionary! ("normal" voice, looking at the camera) Wow, that's really interesting, Giggles.
NC: (coming in from off-screen-right, shoving Ma-Ti out of the chair) Hey-hey-hey, get out of here! GET OUT of here!
Ma-Ti: Hey, what the... (high voice, operating the puppet) Hey, you're a bastard! Th- (NC grabs Ma-Ti's puppet hand and slams it twice onto the table) OW! OW! Nooo... (NC sits back down and collects himself)
NC: (settling back into his perch) The fuck was that? (addressing the camera) HEY, people, I'm back; and I'm here to stay! And I just wanted to say one thing to all of you: MERRY CHRISTMAS! MERRY CHRISTMAS, you porn- (cut to CS in his living room) reviewing fucktard!
CS: Blow me!
Cut back to NC.
NC: MERRY CHRISTMAS, you self- (cut to NCh on her bed, filing her fingernails) righteous activist for anything, you!
NCh: (looks up) I so wish you'd die.
Cut to NC.
NC: MERRY CHRISTMAS, you pasty, (cut to Linkara on his couch, reading a comic - I don't know which one) comic-book-reading ass magnet, you! (wearing a Santa hat over his fedora, Linkara says nothing. Looking angry, he gives us "the finger." Really. Cut back to NC) MERRY CHRISTMAS, you over-excitable Puerto Rican (cut to AJ in front of his set, wearing a strap of machine-gun ammo over his usual jacket) jumping bean!
AJ: Oh, I am so working on a hand grenade with your name on it.
Cut to NC.
NC: MERRY CHRISTMAS, you pompous reject of everything likable, you!
Cut to Spoony in his regular room, with Burton wearing a Santa hat.
Spoony: Thanks a lot. I'll see you in hell.
Cut back to NC.
NC: MERRY CHRISTMAS!! MERRY CHRISTMAS!! MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!!! (the picture freezes and turns sepia-colored. We slowly zoom out, revealing that this is part of the last page of SC's book. Underneath NC are the words: "And he made everyone miserable ever after.")
Cut back to SC in his room, as he closes his book.
SC: Ho ho ho ho! So, as you see, boys and girls, the moral of this story is... (stops, as does "Deck The Halls," and thinks about what that really is, shifting his eyes back and forth. When he realizes there is no moral, he raises his eyebrows with an "Oh, snap!" look. Cut right to black as the end credits start with a faster version of "We Wish You A Merry Christmas" from Skitch - in the key of A-flat)
Channel Awesome tagline - Ma-Ti: And that's how Mary Poppins had an abortion...