Standard opening, except that Zod wears a Christmas cap.
General Zod: Greetings, Planet Houston. And may I, on this very special day, wish you all… a Merry Zodmas.
Standard opening graphic.
As many of you know, I do not celebrate Christmas. I celebrate Zodmas. But some of you might be wondering, “How do I celebrate Zodmas?”
I’m glad you asked… Houstonian slave. It’s very simple.
First of all, there is no Jesus. Or God. There is only Zod.
And we do not huddle around a dead tree.
We huddle around a rock.
And you carve the rock into a makeshift statue of me…
If, for some reason, I am not there.
But, rest assured, I will try to be there. To punish you. For not seeing me on Zodmas.
Actually, black is one of 50 traditional Zodmas colors.
Which include: jet black, / obsidian black, / charcoal black, / midnight black, / licorice black, / Jack Black, / “Shaft” black, / weapons-grade black, / gray, / steel gray, / cloudy gray, / ocean gray, / steel gray, [yes, he says it twice] iron gray, / grey gray, / and puce.
Instead of Christmas lights, we will stuff people with pure uranium.
And then hang them from our ceiling.
Instead of mistletoes, I will finally get my toes that fire missiles.
And instead of kissing people under them, YOU WILL DIE.
Candy canes will be replaced by cinnamon handcuffs.
They shall be used to corral people into the Worship Centers.
[leans in] Wait till I tell you about the Worship Centers.
Inside, there will be shows and entertainment all dedicated to me.
I will have the Rockettes. They will all be dressed as Zod.
All Christmas movies will be replaced by the film Baby’s Day Out.
Because I really like that movie. / [wiggles his hand in front of him] Underrated.
Stockings will be stuffed with more stockings.
Socks will be stuffed with socks.
And the rest of your clothes will be hung by the chimney with care.
To humiliate you.
If you are petulant, you will be sent outside naked in the cold.
Zodmas cookies will have no raisins in them.
And, instead of milk, I require a cup of liquid nitrogen.
I will come down the chimney to every house and scream at you.
Those who do not follow my orders will be beaten.
Those who do follow my orders will be beaten. Slightly less severely.
Christmas carols will all be replaced by Zongs.
Or the occasional dirty limerick about the Son of Jor-El.
The Salvation Army will be replaced by The Damnation Army.
All proceeds will go to The Children’s Fund to Get Me More Money.
And all of this will last throughout the entire Zodmas season… which lasts 364 days of the year.
One day off for my birthday.
That’s right. Zodmas is upon you. There is no escaping it!
[breathes deep and does the pointed left-hand motion] KKNNNEEEEEEEEELLL!!! [and again] KKNNNEEEEEEEEEEELLL!!! [and again] KKNNNEEEE- [but is interrupted by whispering off-screen-left; Zod looks over that way] What? [whispering continues] Well, of course, that’s the only word I can use. What other word would I use? [more whispering] What? Of course I haven’t though about, “What else could it mean?” I mean, what else could it mean? [still more whispering] Huh? [leaning out of shot, the whispering continues. Then he realizes something and slowly shifts his eyes to the camera. He then comes back into frame. During this part, he frequently pauses, hoping that he gets his message across. He uses a lot of gestures as well to accentuate his point] Okay. Um… Let’s get one thing perfectly clear. I’m not! I me- I-I’m just not! Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but… I assure you I’m not! Straight arrow!
I mean…. okay, the clothing can kinda be deceiving, but… it’s, it’s really not what you think!
Listen, when I say “Kneel!”, I mean it as in… a submissive pose- [quickly stops and puts his fingers to his temple] Okay, that’s not helping.
Not that I care! Cuz I don’t! [pauses] There’s nothing wrong with that! It’s all cool!
I mean, ask yourself: “Would that kind of man [takes off his cap to show his slicked-back hair] have this kind of hairst-” [quickly stops himself and puts his cap back on] Okay. Um, well, ask yourself another question: um… “Would… that kind of man travel around with a person who looks like th-” [brief quick cut to a photo of Non from Superman II; quickly back to Zod]
Okay, also a bad example. Um… [becoming distraught] Here’s a woman [cut to a shot of Ursa from that movie] I travel with! She doesn’t look at all like a lesbian, does she? …Actually, she does. A lot. [back to Zod]
Okay, look! I spend most of my time chasing a big, strong man who wears blue and red Spande- [speaks quickly an puts his fingers to his temple again] I’m just digging my hole deeper.
[just about gives up] You know what? Fine! Go ahead and think it. Doesn’t matter to me. I’m SO NOT THAT that it… doesn’t matter! I’m not, so it doesn’t matter! It’s like calling me… a banana! I’m NOT a banana! And it’s weird of you to think that! But… I don’t care! …So you think I’m a banana! Whoo-hoo!
[more off-screen whispering] What? [getting fed up, he gives a “Seriously?!” expression] I’m being forced to tell you that “kneel” is not a guy’s name either! [like “Neil”]
You know what? [throws his hands at us in disgust] You can have the stupid planet.
This is General Zod, saying: Merry Zodmas…
Happy New Standard Solar Year…
And… [is about to do the “Kneel!” thing again, but he stops himself] I’M NOT!! [he gets frustrates and walks out, screen-left. After a few beats, he yells out one last…] I’m not!!
Dissolve to standard credits.