General Zod: Greetings, Planet Houston. I am General Zod. And may I wish you all… a Merry Zodmas.
Standard opening graphic.
Now, let’s talk about a person that they tell me is of some importance: Jesus.
We dissolve to the words “Jesus” in cursive letters, slowly zooming in over CG snowfall. Cut back to Zod.
Who is this “Of Nazareth” you speak of?
They tell me that He is the Savior and is supposed to bring peace to this world. [looks off screen-right, then back at us and sarcastically says:] Bang-up job.
Who is this fool? Where is He?
I see His image everywhere, yet I do not see Him. [pauses] Shy, isn’t He?
[looks around] Certainly, He knows that He [back at us] cannot compete against the power of Zod.
You honor Him for Christmas when, clearly, you should be honoring me.
People talk about how impressed they are that He was born in a simple, humble manger.
Well, I was born in a lava pit on the fiery surface of Krypton!
Take THAT, “Of Nazareth!”
It’s totally boss. [throws up “deuces”… cuz he can]
They say that He can perform miracles. I can shoot lasers from my eyes.
I can also walk on water.
In fact, the more I think about it, this Jesus fellow is probably just a lost Kryptonian who crash-landed on your planet.
He came down, did some magic tricks, and YOU treated Him as your Lord and Savior! Well, here I am!
What about me, Poor Zod?
Nobody brought me shiny metals, perfume, or embalming agent that’s supposed to preserve my corpse.
I like myrrh! I like it a lot!
In fact, I use it as my daily deodorant.
Its bitter sting make humans’ eyes water.
Now, you might be asking the question, “If he was a Kryptonian, how did he ascend into Heaven?” [pauses] We can FLY!
If I was to tell you, “I’m the Son of God; I’m gonna burrow to the bottom of the earth,” I can do that very easily! Watch! [he spins around fast - sped-up, of course - as a sawing effect is played while he ducks down. When he comes back up and stops spinning, we see he’s holding a Buddha statue]
I have plundered this ancient Buddhist bust from the temples of Tibet.
In my SPARE FIVE SECONDS!
Let’s see [tosses it off-screen out of shot; we hear glass shatter] Jesus try that one on for size!
“Jesus of Nazareth.” His real name was probably Joe.
Why would you even celebrate such a person? It sounds like all He did was get nailed to a tree!
[smack his fist against his chest] I commanded armies! And I’m still around!
He couldn’t even punch out a few dusty Romans.
I’m not dying for your sins. YOU’LL die for MINE!
Clearly, I’m the more qualified Lord and Savior.
[shows off his coat] And a snazzier dresser.
[poses like a fashion model] Black goes with anything.
Final sum-up: [graphic appears to the right of him that says:] Jesus Does Not Belong in the Zodonian People’s Republic of Houston.
He belongs in a Kryptonian cell for making people believe that He was the Son of God!
When, in reality, it was most likely a janitor in one of our mid-level office buildings.
And YOU FELL for it!
If you’re going to get duped, get duped by me!
[with his hand on his chin] There is no substitution for Zod.
Say “no” to God; “yes” to Zod.
This is General Zod, [leans in] and you will all kneel before me.
[does the pointed left-hand motion] KKNNNEEEEEEEEELLL!!! [he finishes with a dramatic look on his face]