General Zod: Greetings, Planet Houston. I am General Zod. And may I wish you all… a Merry Zodmas.
Standard opening graphic.
Today, we’re going to talk about something that should shed a little light… Lights.
We dissolve to the word “Lights” in cursive letters, slowly zooming in over CG snowfall. Cut back to Zod.
[shaking his head] Your Houstonian traditions simply get stranger and stranger.
[looks up screen-left] Am I to understand [back at us] that you take things like trees and bring them inside and then take things like lights and put them outside?
[looks up screen-left, speaking quickly] So you take something that belongs outside and bring it [back at us] inside and something that belongs inside and put it outside.
On Krypton, we have a word for that. It’s called “dumb.”
Why would you want to light up your house?
Don’t you know it’ll only draw more attention for my cybernetic warriors and nailmen?
[as he points off screen-right, in big red letters at screen-bottom, we see:] DEPLOY! [we hear a missile-launching sound effect]
[looks up screen-left] What I find particularly ironic is that you do it [back at us] during the only time of year where you never go outside.
[brings fingers to his temple] Who are you impressing? The snow rabbits?
The one raccoon that got out of his hibernation and said, [pointing off screen-right] “Ooh! Look at that! Pretty!”?
Maybe there’s a bird flying south for the winter, saying, [looking down and pointing screen-right] “Ooh! Hey looky! I should take a shit on that!
A nice, warm, lit toilet!”
[back at us] And who decided that Christmas colors should be white, red, and green? [pauses] Was Jesus Italian?
Your Christmas decorations get even stranger, like this celebration of the one you call Snoopy.
He has done nothing to impress me.
As far as I can tell, he has come from a very depressing comic strip about a boy with leukemia…
Who was given much good grief by his dour friends.
But the little pipsqueak with the blue blanket has a point: Christmas should not be commercialized.
So the next time you buy this electric glowing Snoopy, just remember the damn cartoon that told you not to buy it in the first place!
[looks up in disgust, then back at us] Stupid Houstite FOOLS!
I also hear there is much trouble when one of these lights [does air quotes] “blows a fuse.”
On my planet, [brings up his left hand and clenches it into a fist] all small lights are run by a giant computer named Brainiac!
[points at us] No fuses are blown there, I can tell you.
He was genius until Windows Vista came out!
Final sum-up: [graphic appears to the right of him that says:] Lights Have No Place in the Zodonian People’s Republic of Houston.
Instead, [brings up his left open palm] we will light our way with inanimate carbon rods…
That, when dropped, will create giant fortresses of crystal and ice!
[points at us] That will impress the snow rabbits and shitting birds, I assure you.
This is General Zod, [leans in] and you will kneel before me.
[does the pointed left-hand motion] KKNNNEEEEEEEEELLL!!! [he finishes with a dramatic look on his face]