General Zod: Greetings, Planet Houston. I am General Zod. And may I wish you all… a Merry Zodmas.
Standard opening graphic.
Today, we’re going to talk about a poisonous white berry that apparently gets people in the mood: …Mistletoe.
We dissolve to the word “Mistletoe” in cursive letters, slowly zooming in over CG snowfall. Cut back to Zod.
A mistletoe is neither a missile nor toe. [shrugs] So of what use is it to me?
I could use toes that were missiles.
That way, if I kick someone, they would explode.
As it stands, I only have my heat-ray vision. And it dries my eyes out.
But this strange plant, apparently, [he demonstrates] you hold over somebody’s head; and it forces them to kiss you.
[walks up to the camera] I can force people to kiss you. With my God-like powers!
What do you need a plant for?
It’s not even a sensible plant; it sounds like a sexual harassment suit waiting to happen.
If you were invited to one of my parties - and they are quite epic…
But you’re not on the list -
And I hung up a big wad of poison ivy in the corner…
What would make you think, “Make-out corner!”?
Most sensible animals avoid poison ivy, / poison oak, / poison berries… / ANYTHING BEGINNING WITH “POISON.” Like “POISON.”
Most sensible humans would logically avoid anything beginning with “MISSILE.”
But NO! They get horny.
And why does anyone need to follow the orders of a weed, anyway?
If you want that person, [brings up his right hand] you TAKE THEM! [clenches his hand] And conquer them.
[brings up hand again to gesture] And then enslave them for the rest of their lives in the matrimony we call marriage.
You don’t need a berry to tell you how to do that.
Normally, it just takes a few drinks.
Final sum-up: [graphic appears to the right of him that says:] Mistletoes Have No Place in the Zodonian People’s Republic of Houston.
Toes that fire missiles, though: approved.
[in big red letters at screen-bottom, we see:] DEPLOY! [he points off-screen right, but we don’t hear the missile-launch sound effect; he brings down his arm] What? We don’t have those? [graphic disappears; he points again… and again] Well, WORK on those! And then DEPLOY!
I am General Zod, [leans in] and you will kneel before me.
[breathes in loudly and does the pointed left-hand motion] KKNNNEEEEEEEEELLL!!! [he finishes with a dramatic look on his face]