General Zod: Greetings, Planet Houston. I am General Zod. And may I wish you all… a Merry Zodmas.
Standard opening graphic.
Let us talk about another particular oddity that bothers me about your holiday: Presents.
We dissolve to the word “Presents” in cursive letters, slowly zooming in over CG snowfall. Cut back to Zod.
Am I to understand that you give presents to your offspring simply because they are your offspring?
Why? Merely because they have been good all year round?
They’re SUPPOSED to be good to begin with!
What is this rewarding of what they’re already supposed to do?
If the mailman gets your mail on time, do you give him a cookie? NO! You sic your dog on him!
Why do these little pipsqueaks deserve presents anyway?
You’re the one who created them…
Carried them in your womb…
Pushed their [brings up his hands to demonstrate] giant, dome-like skulls out of your tiny birth canal…
I’ve seen videos; it’s quite horrific.
Clearly, [pointing at us] they should be giving a present to YOU!
And, in return, you shall not kill them!
On Krypton, children who are good are given the reward of knowing they are good.
Children who are bad are dead.
Evolution has weeded them out; they have no place among us.
The reward for being good on Krypton is that you [drawn out a bit] get to live.
THAT is a good reward, my friend. They shall not forget it.
[looks off-screen left and strokes his beard] ‘Course it doesn’t do much now with a blown-up planet.
[shakes his finger at us] But I blame global warming for that one.
The globe was so warm, it exploded.
And, once more, how do you give the presents? You store them under the tree you mercilessly killed.
You know, that tress that’s dressed like a pine-needley prostitute.
And what you don’t stuff under that dirty, decaying corpse of a tree, you put in somebody’s sock!
Here’s an idea: be practical.
Why don’t you buy some socks? And then, put them in the sock. That way, you’ve doubled your socks!
[shakes his head] No. I do not approve of this gift-giving at all.
Final sum-up: [graphic appears to the right of him that says:] Presents Have No Place in the Zodonian People’s Republic of Houston.
It shall be replaced with more practical things. Like socks.
Maybe a new pair of slacks. Paying your electric bill!
Or finally putting that back deck together.
That’s a present your child can get started on.
I have spoken!
This is General Zod, [leans in] and you will all kneel before me.
[still leaning] You and your socks.
[breathes in loudly and does the pointed left-hand motion] KKNNNEEEEEEEEELLL before my new socks!!! [he finishes with a dramatic look on his face]