General Zod: Greetings, Planet Houston. I am General Zod. And may I wish you all… a Merry Zodmas.
Standard opening graphic.
Let us talk about another strange oddity of your holiday: Snow.
We dissolve to the word “Snow” in cursive letters, slowly zooming in over CG snowfall. Cut back to Zod.
On Krypton, it does not rain snow.
It rains [looks up, then back at us, as he brings up his right hand that he curls into a fist] the hot, flaming ashes of many a meteorite!
[nonchalantly] And an occasional light drizzle… [dramatically] OF ACID RAIN!
And we don’t play in it. We die in it!
We retreat to underground caves.
The few children that go outside return. Without any heads.
We call this Kryptonian Natural Selection.
It [curls his fist again] made us FIERCE! And PROUD and STRONG! And sometimes headless!
We do not have the fun that you people have on Planet Houston.
We do not have… snow cones.
We drink enriched uranium slurries.
But they make us strong. And, sometimes, our heads grow back.
We do not have sledding.
We sail the stars in our [brings his hands together to demonstrate] weird, little crystal cocoon thingy…
Where we are serenaded with the sounds of our elders, who are teaching us boring school lessons for a thousand years.
Have you ever heard Kryptonian Economics 101 on audio book?
[stern expression] NOT FUN.
[looks up screen-left and strokes his goatee] The more I think about it, maybe snow is a trade-up.
[looks back at us] Lord knows, it’s better than the Double-sided Mirror of Banishment.
All right, you can [points at us] keep snow. But I’m confiscating all the world’s snow cones.
They’re yummy and tasty and better than uranium slurries. And they’re ALL MINE.
[holds his hands up to his temples and wiggles his fingers as he says, in a somewhat blank tone:] Na na na-na na.
Final sum-up: [graphic appears to the right of him that says:] Snow: Approved. [as he points off screen-right, in big red letters at screen-bottom, we see:] DEPLOY! [we hear a missile-launching sound effect]
And bring me [does the pointed right-hand motion] all of your snow cones!
[looks off screen-right, bringing up his hand and gesturing] For they shall have a place of honor [back at us] in the Zodonian People’s Republic of Houston.
Also known as the [graphic appears to the right of him that says:] Z.P.O.H. Or, as I like to call it… Z-puh! [almost looks like he spat on us]
This is General Zod, [leans in] and you will all kneel before me.
[does the pointed left-hand motion] KKNNNEEEEEEEEELLL!!! [he finishes with a dramatic look on his face]