General Zod: Greetings, Planet Houston. I am General Zod. And may I wish you all… a Merry Zodmas.
Standard opening graphic.
Let us talk about this religious ritual that you all gather around and watch every year: …the television.
We dissolve to the words “Christmas Specials” in cursive letters, slowly zooming in over CG snowfall. Cut back to Zod.
What better way to celebrate a man who wanted you to help the poor by staying inside your warm cozy house and watching your very expensive cable?
First of all, it should be known that, on Krypton, we do not have television.
We mostly just stare at walls. Brightly-colored walls, mind you.
We have giant holographic images of our elders that stare at us in consternation.
But, thankfully, no commercials.
The first Christmas special I watched was called A Christmas Story.
It was about a child who wished to procure a weapon.
I admired his exuberance.
But when he finally gets the bloody thing, the pipsqueak shoots his eye out!
He would make a poor soldier indeed in my army.
He would be peeling spuds while all my cyber warriors and nailmen do my bidding.
Though I must admit, I think I got caught in a time loop.
For this Christmas special seemed to keep playing over and over and over for exactly 24 hours.
I fear it might have been the son of Jor-El, flying around the planet 24 times just to mess with me.
[does the pointed left-hand motion] YOU WILL STOP FORCING ME FROM WATCHING THAT DAMN [What the hell is that word? - ed.] GROUP AND THAT OVALTIME COMMERCIAL, SON OF JOR-EL!!
[looks up and off-screen left] However, I did find a strange attraction to this [back at us] one special called The Grinch.
I admired this Grinch and his constant determination to try and take over Christmas.
A goal I respect.
He is resourceful; but I fear I will not be able to shake his hand, as he seems to be covered in a Kryptonite dust.
[whispers] Clever boy.
The next one I saw was called It’s a Wonderful Life.
Well, apparently, it wasn’t because he tries to off himself in the first part of the movie!
I wouldn’t mind except I wanted him to jump!
That would have been the happy ending.
The half-man, half-chair person would assimilate the town, and I can respect that!
[looks up and around] Instead, we get some nonsense about, [back at us] “Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings.”
Well, on my planet Krypton, we have a saying, too.
“Every time a Tarlactian Blarg-Blarg roars, …you get mustard on your sandwich.”
You’d have to be a Kryptonian to get that.
Or at least half-Kryptonese.
Then there came A Christmas Carol, again, named after this strange woman I’ve never met.
Though it did have an old man and his servant.
Apparently, Mr. Cratchett did not understand the whole master/servant relationship.
You do not complain about a lack of coal; [does the pointed left-hand motion] YOU KNEEEEEEEL!!
You do not complain about your child’s debilitating disease; [and again] YOU KNEEEEEEEL!!
You do not shed tears when your child dies; you thank him for his benevolence!
That’s one less mouth to feed!
That two pence will go much farther now!
Why would you have so many children if you were a pauper to begin with?
On planet Krypton, we are only allowed two children.
The rest are sent off to backwater planets in crystal cocoons.
We call it No Child Left to Get Rid Of.
[looks up screen-left] The only Christmas special I found myself enjoying [back at us] was the one called Die Hard.
That had death, destruction: a perfect Christmas film.
The only downside is: they killed the person in the goatee dressed entirely in black. I did not like this.
Baldy McCan’t-Hold-Down-a-Marriage gets off fine.
But the terrorist gets killed?! Now I’ve seen everything!
Final sum-up: [graphic appears to the right of him that says:] Christmas Specials Have No Place in the Zodonian People’s Republic of Houston.
Unless, of course, they star me.
In the Alan Rickman role. And I live.
Now, that’s a happy ending.
This is General Zod, [leans in] and you will all kneel before me.
[breathes in loudly and does the pointed left-hand motion] KKNNNEEEEEEEEELLL!!! [he finishes with a dramatic look on his face]