General Zod: Greetings, Planet Houston. I am General Zod. And may I wish you all… a Merry Zodmas.
Standard opening graphic.
Today, your ruler and savior wishes to talk about… Trees.
We dissolve to the word “Trees” in cursive letters, slowly zooming in over CG snowfall. Cut back to Zod.
What better way to celebrate the birth of life than going out into the woods and killing an innocent plant…
Dragging it back to your home and decorating its desecrated corpse?
You humans are SICK!
What is your people’s obsession with decorating things from outside?
You are embarrassing your tree, dressing him up like a prostitute.
The other trees are looking in and laughing at your tree, calling him a WHORE!
A sad, encrusted lady of the night.
Luckily, your tree cannot hear them because he is dead.
Much like my home planet, [looks off screen-right] rest in pieces.
Why decorate your tree in the first place? Were the pine cones not enough?
Or the supple berries that fed the woodland birds.
[looks off-screen left] Or the hole that provided comfort [back at us] for the wayward squirrel.
I have slaughtered millions on my home planet of Krypton.
But you people are just CRUEL.
That’s why, in my new Zodonian Republic, Christmas trees will be made out of [points at us] YOU!
The birds will decorate your fear-filled bodies with brightly colored trinkets and lights!
And the wayward squirrel will take comfort in [points at us] YOUR hole!
And don’t ask me where he gets the nuts!
While I will be dining on Zodmas goose.
Yes, I don’t care if they die. They are a slow race. Stupid.
One of them bit me in the ass last week.
I punted him halfway across the pond and then vaporized him…
With the heat vision [looks off screen-right and clenches his fist in front of his face] drawn from your mighty yellow sun!
Final sum-up: [graphic appears to the right of him that says:] Trees Have No Place in the Zodonian People’s Republic of Houston.
Human trees with wayward squirrels living in your rectum: approved.
[in big red letters at screen-bottom, we see “DEPLOY!” as he points at the camera:] DEPLOY, my bushy-tailed children! [we hear a squirrel chattering]
This is General Zod, [leans in] and you will kneel before me.
[does the pointed left-hand motion] KKNNNEEEEEEEEELLL!!! [he finishes with a dramatic look on his face]